book summary 5 love languages

Sam Thomas Davies

The 5 Love Languages by Gary D. Chapman

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The Book in Three Sentences

• People speak different love languages
• After many years of marriage counseling, Chapman’s conclusion is that there are five emotional love languages—five ways that people speak and understand emotional love.
• Chapman believes that once you identify and learn to speak your spouse’s primary love language, you will have discovered the key to a long-lasting, loving marriage.

The Five Big Ideas

• We have been led to believe that if we are really in love, it will last forever. However, once the experience of falling in love has run its course, we return to the world of reality and begin to assert ourselves.
• Some couples believe that the end of the “in-love” experience means they have only two options: a life of misery with their spouse or jump ship and try again.
• However, there is a third and better alternative: We can recognize the in-love experience for what it was—a temporary emotional high—and now pursue “real love” with our spouse.
• Your partner’s complaints are the most powerful indicators of her primary love language.
• There is nothing more powerful than loving your partner even when they’re not responding positively.

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The 5 love languages.

• Words of affirmation
• Quality time
• Receiving gifts
• Acts of service
• Physical touch

The 5 Love Languages Summary

Chapman is convinced that keeping the emotional love tank full is as important to a marriage as maintaining the proper oil level is to an automobile.

When your spouse’s emotional love tank is full and they feel secure in your love, the whole world looks bright and your spouse will move out to reach their highest potential in life.

Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love.

Giving verbal compliments is one way to express words of affirmation to your spouse. Another dialect is encouraging words.

We must first learn what is important to our spouse. Only then can we give encouragement.

Sometimes our words say one thing, but our tone of voice says another.

We can choose to live today free from the failures of yesterday.

When you make a request of your spouse, you are affirming his or her worth and abilities. You are introducing the element of choice. This is important because we cannot get emotional love by way of demand.

If your mate’s primary love language is quality time, your spouse simply wants you, being with them, spending time.

Spending time with your mate in a common pursuit communicates that you care about each other, that you enjoy being with each other, that you like to do things together.

One of the most common dialects is that of quality conversation. By quality conversation, Chapman means sympathetic dialogue where two individuals are sharing their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context.

Words of affirmation focus on what we are saying, whereas quality conversation focuses on what we are hearing.

We must be willing to give advice but only when it is requested and never in a condescending manner.

Ask yourself, “What emotion is my spouse experiencing?” When you think you have the answer, confirm it. For example, “It sounds to me like you are feeling disappointed because I forgot.”

One way to learn new patterns is to establish a daily sharing time in which each of you will talk about three things that happened to you that day and how you feel about them. Chapman calls this the “Minimum Daily Requirement” for a healthy marriage.

The essential ingredients in a quality activity are:

• At least one of you wants to do it
• The other is willing to do it
• Both of you know why you are doing it—to express love by being together.

A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, “Look, he was thinking of me,” or, “She remembered me.”

Physical presence in the time of crisis is the most powerful gift you can give if your spouse’s primary love language is receiving gifts.

By acts of service, Chapman means doing things you know your spouse would like you to do.

Love is a choice and cannot be coerced.

Each of us must decide daily to love or not to love our spouses. If we choose to love, then expressing it in the way in which our spouse requests will make our love most effective emotionally.

People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need.

Don’t make the mistake of believing that the touch that brings pleasure to you will also bring pleasure to her.

A common mistake many men make is assuming that physical touch is their primary love language because they desire sexual intercourse so intensely.

Most sexual problems in marriage have little to do with physical technique but everything to do with meeting emotional needs.

If your deepest pain is the critical, judgmental words of your spouse, then perhaps your love language is words of affirmation.

Chapman suggests three ways to discover your own primary love language:

• What does your spouse do or fail to do that hurts you most deeply? The opposite of what hurts you most is probably your love language.
• What have you most often requested of your spouse? The thing you have most often requested is likely the thing that would make you feel most loved.
• In what way do you regularly express love to your spouse? Your method of expressing love may be an indication that that would also make you feel loved.

Almost never do two people fall in love on the same day, and almost never do they fall out of love on the same day. Chapman calls this “The disequilibrium of the ‘in-love’ experience.”

Love is not the answer to everything, but it creates a climate of security in which we can seek answers to those things that bother us.

Can emotional love be reborn in a marriage? You bet. The key is to learn the primary love language of your spouse and choose to speak it.

• How does your spouse respond when you try to show affection?
• On a scale of 0–10, how full is your love tank?
• Can you pinpoint a time in your marriage when “reality” set in? How did this affect your relationship, for better or worse?
• What would you most like to hear your spouse say to you?
• What in your marriage detracts from spending quality time?
• Reflect on ways to give gifts even if finances are tight.
• Many acts of service will involve household chores, but not all. What are some non-chore ways of serving your mate?
• Recall some non-sexual “touching times” that enhanced intimacy between the two of you.
• Do you think by now you have a good sense of what your spouse’s love language is? How about them for you? What more could you do to explore this?
• A key thought here is the idea of speaking our mate’s love language whether or not it is natural for us. Why is this so fundamental to a healthy marriage?
• What does your spouse do to make you feel more “significant”? How about what you do for them?

Recommended Reading

If you like The 5 Love Languages , you may also enjoy the following books:

• Awaken The Giant Within : How to Take Immediate Control of Your Mental, Emotional, Physical and Financial Destiny by Anthony Robbins
• Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs
• The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change by Stephen R. Covey

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The 5 Love Languages

30 pages • 1 hour read

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts

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Summary and Study Guide

Gary Chapman’s text on love and intimacy, The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts , was first published in 1992. Over the next three decades it would go on to be translated into dozens of different languages and sell more than 20 million copies worldwide. It is the first in what might be dubbed the “love language extended universe”; other titles by Chapman include The Five Love Languages of Children and The Five Love Languages for Singles , among others. The Five Love Languages is one of the most popular books of the last 50 years to cover love and relationships. Stemming from his many years as a marriage and couples counselor, the text is based primarily in personal experience and case studies that bolster theoretical principles and suggestions. This study guide was written using the 2015 reprint edition by Northfield Publishing.

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Throughout The Five Love Languages , Chapman aims to answer a single question: “why is it that so few couples seem to have found the secret to keeping love alive after the wedding?” (14). The book is divided into three major sections. The first three chapters make up the introduction, laying out fundamentals. The second section comprises the next five chapters, each of which discuss one of the five love languages in detail and use examples of real couples to illustrate practical implications of theoretical principles. The last five chapters make up the final section of the text, synthesizing the material that came before and addressing a number of obstacles that could occur within marriage. These problems could be solved (or at least softened) by employing the love languages with sincerity.

At the start, Chapman provides the working metaphor that will appear throughout the text: the emotional tank that we use to bank the love we receive from our spouse. The love languages are the means by which we fill our spouse’s emotional tank and assure them of our continued and lasting love. These languages are especially important when we move past the euphoric feelings of love that characterize the start of any romantic attachment.

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The first love language is “words of affirmation,” using our words to regularly affirm and encourage our spouse in the things they are good at or for which they need support. The second is “quality time,” wherein one feels most loved by the simple act of spending time together. While some may feel that the act of being together is not enough, one’s time is invaluable and a commodity that can never be regained.

The third love language, “receiving gifts,” is the easiest to learn fluently. All love is essentially an act of gift-giving. Sometimes the easiest way to express this is with a physical gift that can act as a tangible symbol of love. The fourth is “acts of service,” by which we demonstrate our love by accomplishing tasks that we know will assist our partner and make their life easier or more enjoyable. The final language is “physical touch,” perhaps the most universal of the languages.

The final section of the book focuses on the reader’s ability to discover their own love language and the reality that love is always a choice. Discovering one’s own primary love language is necessary to effectively and tactfully communicate needs and desires to one’s partner. When love becomes difficult, the reminder that love is a choice is of the utmost importance. We can choose to love our spouse even when they are temporarily unlovable or when we do not have the euphoric “in love” feelings.

While the book may serve as an academic work for counselors, anthropologists, or sociologists—especially in its recounting of case studies and personal anecdotes—Chapman reiterates that he wrote the book with real married people in mind. The text is meant to be a practical guide to help relationships flourish, using the five love languages to communicate love. The book concludes with a series of answers to frequently asked questions and a double questionnaire for readers to learn their own love languages.

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The 5 Love Languages Summary

1-Sentence-Summary: The 5 Love Languages shows couples how to make their love last by learning to recognize the unique way their partner feels love.

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Anyone who has experienced romantic love can tell you that falling in love is easy. The hard part, especially in today’s world, is staying in love . So many couples drift apart. Distractions , conflicts, miscommunications , and boredom can get in the way of what was once a magical relationship. Staying in love takes work. Relationships need careful and attentive nurturing.

In The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts , we learn the remedy for all problems modern couples face. Dr. Gary Chapman is a marriage counselor who has found a proven method for making love last. He has given 15 million people improved relationships by teaching them their love languages, and he will help you identify yours.

Here are 3 of the most lovely lessons from this book:

• As your relationship matures, communication is key.
• There are 5 different ways people give and show love.
• Identify your and your partner’s love language to deepen intimacy.

Are you ready to learn how to grow closer to the people you love most? Let’s learn how!

If you want to save this summary for later, download the free PDF and read it whenever you want.

Lesson 1: As your relationship changes, communication will make it last.

Falling in love is amazing. There’s blushing, butterflies, flirting, and infatuation. We see the world through rose-colored glasses that can blur even our best judgment. As unromantic as it may sound, it’s driven by the instinctual drive to continue our species.

After around two years, however, those relationships based purely on romance will deteriorate. Reality creeps in, and couples start to have to work to meet each other’s emotional needs .

How do we make sure that we meet these necessities? Cultivate a relationship that allows for open and honest communication. As the excitement of new romance fades, we need to make sure that we can understand each other.

The best way to communicate as love matures is to find your companion’s love language.

Just like talking to someone who speaks an unfamiliar language, effectively communicating with your partner when you don’t speak the same love language is hard. The next lesson introduces us to the five different love languages to help you understand your significant other on a deeper, more intimate level.

Lesson 2: The five love languages are the different ways in which we express that we love someone.

Most languages have ways beyond words to express yourself. The same goes for love: There are different ways to show it. Here are five Chapman describes:

• Words of Affirmation . Words of praise and encouragement are a powerful way to share love for someone. To speak this language, you give verbal compliments often. Make sure they know you love their smile, their sense of humor, or that new outfit.
• Quality Time . Work and busy lives can get in the way of this love language all too easily. We can be in the same room as our partner and still fail to actually ‘be’ with them because of our electronics. The key to quality time is undivided attention. It can either be quality conversations or quality activities with your partner, like date night.
• Gift Giving . For some, gifts are a physical symbol of how their partner feels about them. Remember that it doesn’t matter how much it costs; it’s just the act of going out and getting or making a gift for your partner that will show them how you feel about them.
• Acts of Service . This is helping your partner with the things with which you know they would appreciate help. It can be things like helping the kids with homework, doing bills, or vacuuming, and will be different for everyone.
• Physical Touch . Even in infancy, humans need physical touch to thrive. We often forget, but this carries on into adulthood as well. Some ways you can express love in this way are holding hands, cuddling, kissing, or sex . Of course, find out what kinds of physical contact they like most, and this will deepen your intimacy.

Remember: There are many ways to show someone you love them . Be sure to use them all!

Lesson 3: To be closer with your significant other, learn each other’s love languages.

Now that you know the five love languages, you can figure out what your primary language is. Then, with the help of your partner, discover what theirs is.

Pinpointing your own is pretty easy: ask yourself what you most often request from your partner. Maybe you have been asking for help with the laundry or asking your partner if you both can put the kids to bed a little earlier so you can spend time together.

It can also help to think of what has made you feel most loved and appreciated in the past, whether it was a physical gesture, a gift, or a compliment.

Once you figure out what you enjoy, it’s time to find your pain points. Hurtful relationship experiences from your past can guide you to your love language. Think of times your emotional needs went unmet, or you were disappointed in a relationship.

It’s helpful to think of family relationships in childhood, because these shape the way we are as adults. If these experiences fall into the same category as a love language, like disappointing gifts, or a lack of time spent with you, then that is probably your love language.

After discovering your language, share it with your partner. Help them discover theirs. Once you both understand each other’s primary language, it will be much easier to meet each other’s needs.

You can help your partner feel more loved, appreciated, and understood the way it means most to them. Best of all, you can communicate to them how much you love them, and this will be the groundwork for building a fulfilling relationship that lasts.

The 5 Love Languages is essential for anyone who is in a serious relationship or ever plans to be in one. It will help couples understand each other better by teaching them how to find what their love language is. By explaining the love languages, it serves as a guide so couples can communicate better and build a relationship that lasts.

Listen to the audio of this summary with a free reading.fm account:

The 40-year-old married couple who feels that their love is waning, the 26-year-old newlyweds who are wanting to set solid ground for their marriage, and anyone in a relationship or considering one.

Last Updated on August 16, 2022

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With over 450 summaries that he contributed to Four Minute Books, first as a part-time writer, then as our full-time Managing Editor until late 2021, Luke is our second-most prolific writer. He's also a professional, licensed engineer, working in the solar industry. Next to his day job, he also runs Goal Engineering, a website dedicated to achieving your goals with a unique, 4-4-4 system. Luke is also a husband, father, 75 Hard finisher, and lover of the outdoors. He lives in Utah with his wife and 3 kids.

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Book Summary – The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts

Home > Personal development & success > Relationships & Parenting > Book Summary - The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts

To have a lasting relationship, we must learn and speak our spouses’ primary love language. When their love tanks are full, they are in a better position to reciprocate your love, and are free to grow to their full potential.

The Five Love Languages

We’ll now take a brief look at each of the five love languages.

To learn how to express love and what to avoid for these love languages, do get a copy of our complete The 5 Love Languages summary.

LOVE LANGUAGE #1: WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

Words of affirmation are words that build someone up. If this is your primary love language, it means the world to you when you receive unsolicited compliments, hear the words “I love you” and the reasons behind that love. Insults can break your heart and leave lasting scars.

In our full version of The 5 Love Languages summary, we’ll explain how you can express Love Language #1 through verbal compliments and encouraging words.

LOVE LANGUAGE #2: QUALITY TIME

If this is your primary language, you deeply value doing things together and receiving full, undivided attention from your spouse, including sharing quality conversations and activities. Distractions, postponed dates, or not being listened to can be especially hurtful to you.  In the book, Dr Chapman shares tips on how to enjoy quality conversations especially if this is your spouse’s primary love language but not yours, and and make time for quality activities.

LOVE LANGUAGE #3: RECEIVING GIFTS

If this is your primary language, you deeply treasure a gift or gesture that shows you are being thought of, cared for, and prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring you the gift. Gifts are visual symbols of love. You feel hurt by the absence of daily gestures, a missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty/ thoughtless gift.

The value of the gift is often less important than the significance of the gift. If you are not intuitive at giving gifts but your spouse’s primary language is receiving gifts, you can start by making a list of all the gifts that your spouses has been excited about – this will give you an idea of what gifts he/she appreciates.

LOVE LANGUAGE #4: ACTS OF SERVICE

If this is your primary love language, you feel loved when your spouse says “let me do that for you”, and helps to ease your burdens or share your responsibilities e.g. cooking a meal, washing the car. Broken commitments, unwillingness to help, laziness/ sloppiness, or taking your spouse for granted, all send the message that your spouse doesn’t matter.

Even if you and your spouse share the same primary love language of Acts of Service, you make speak different “dialects” or value different types of support being rendered (e.g. she may prefer that you wash the dishes while you may prefer that she irons your clothes. Try asking your spouse to list down the tasks that he/she considers most important, and do them.

LOVE LANGUAGE #5: PHYSICAL TOUCH

Physical touch can bring a sense of security and connection to any relationship. If this is your primary love language, you crave shows of care and love through is thoughtful touches, hugs, kisses, pats on the back, and/ or sexual intercourse. Neglect or abuse can cause serious damage and hurt to you emotionally.

Like other love languages, there are different dialects in physical touch, such as loving touches on the arm/ back/ shoulders, a back rub, sexual foreplay and intercourse, sitting closely on the couch, holding hands etc.  Even if you share the same love language of physical touch, don’t assume he/she speaks the same dialect as you.

Getting Started

To discover your primary love language, ask yourself:

• What makes you feel most loved by your spouse? What do you desire the most from your spouse?
• What does your spouse fail to do or say that hurts you deeply or brings you deepest pain?
• What do you do to express love to your spouse? You tend to do what you wish he/ she would do for you

In our complete 10-page summary , we also share these powerful tools to help us express love more effectively and to feel loved in return:

TANK CHECK GAME

If you wish to develop your understanding of and stimulate the love expressions in your relationship, this is a great game to try out with your spouse and watch your love deepen!

TURNING THINGS AROUND

Even if you and your spouse have had an empty love tank for a long time, it is still possible to turn things around. Find out how you can restart your love engine with Dr Chapman’s suggested approach.

FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES AND CHILDREN

Find out how to identify your children’s love languages and how to develop a strong and loving relationship with them.

A Guide from Your Readingraphics Founder

Looking for more details and practical tips for using the 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman? Our founder Angela Lam has explained the concept in full detail and provided actionable tips to help you discover yours and your partners:

You can also check out similar deep dives on our founder’s Youtube channel, GrowthGarden . Use this guide along with our summary bundle to further grasp the key ideas of this book and turn your learnings into real-life application.

Other Details in “The 5 Love Languages”

Are the 5 love languages applicable at the workplace? Read  The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace summary   to find out!

About the Author of The 5 Love Languages

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts is written by Dr. Gary Demonte Chapman — an author and  relationship counsellor. He is the director of Marriage and Family Life Consultants, Inc, and also hosts radio programs about marriage and relationships, airing on more than 400 stations. He speaks to thousands of couples through his weekend marriage conferences. He currently live in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, where he serves as senior associate pastor at Calvary Baptist Church. Dr. Chapman holds BA and MA degrees in anthropology from Wheaton College and Wake Forest University, respectively, MRE and PhD degrees from Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary, and has completed postgraduate work at the University of North Carolina and Duke University.

With the success of his first book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate , he has expanded his Five Love Languages series to reach out specifically to singles, men, and parents of teens and young children. He also co-authored The Five Languages of Apology with Dr. Jennifer Thomas, and The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace with Dr. Paul White. He is also the author of numerous other books on marriage and relationships.

The 5 Love Languages Quotes

“At the heart of mankind’s existence is the desire to be intimate and to be loved by another. Marriage is designed to meet that need for intimacy and love.”

“Love doesn’t keep a score of wrongs. Love doesn’t bring up past failures….Forgiveness is the way of love.”

“If we are to develop an intimate relationship, we need to know each other’s desires. If we wish to love each other, we need to know what the other person wants.”

“Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love.”

“Love doesn’t erase the past, but it makes the future different.”

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Book Summary The 5 Love Languages , by Gary Chapman

Maintaining emotional love and connection in a relationship can be hard. Often, the problem is in the way you are communicating love to your partner, and vice versa. Have you ever demonstrated a gesture of affection, only to not have it appreciated? Does your partner ever say they don’t feel loved enough?

These conflicts happen because every person receives and experiences love differently. The way you experience love dictates your love language . There are 5 love languages: Word of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. Learning to speak your partner’s love language can help you understand how to make them feel loved. And learning your own love language helps you understand what makes you fulfilled in a relationship.

1-Page Summary 1-Page Book Summary of The 5 Love Languages

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman is a guide to understanding how to love your partner better and create a deeper emotional connection in your relationship. This book helps you learn to speak your partner’s love language, providing the tools to effect the right kind of change in your relationship that will allow it to last.

What Happens to Love?

All relationships, even the best ones, will experience a decline in the euphoria of first falling in love. The period of being in love can last up to two years. The loss of that love high may leave some feeling like they’ve failed or the relationship was not meant to be. But maintaining a loving relationship is vastly different than falling in love .

We each have a love tank. Our love tanks are similar to gas tanks, in that, we operate best in a relationship when our love tanks are full .

When you are falling in love, the object of your affection is all consuming. You want to stay in that warm and exciting space with them, and you go out of your way to do things for them or support them. You do this so they know you are falling for them and want them to be in your life. When you are falling in love, everything the other person does feels magical and fills your tank.

When that initial burst of love begins to fade, you and your partner revert to the people you were before the relationship. Only now, you must find a way to be you within the long-term relationship . The focus tends to turn from their happiness to your own, and your measure for it stems from your expectations of what a loving relationship should look like. This reality can leave you and them feeling unloved when those expectations aren’t met , draining your tanks.

How to Rebuild Love

The problem lies in the way you each understand love. There are five languages of love each person speaks: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. Each language corresponds to the types of actions or behaviors that make someone feel the most loved.

Likely, you speak a different language than your partner. Communicating love through different languages is like trying to have a conversation in English with someone who only speaks Italian. Once you learn which language your partner speaks, you can start to address them through that language and fill up their love tanks .

The 5 Love Languages

Words of Affirmation are words or phrases you say to your partner to make them feel good about who they are and what they do. These words can be compliments, words of encouragement, remarks that express kindness, or those that signify your faith in them.

• For the person whose love language is Words of Affirmation, a compliment about their appearance or what they do for the family will fill their tank.
• Telling your partner you appreciate them in your life will make them feel loved.
• Supporting their hopes and dreams by saying, “I believe in you” or “You’re so talented, you can do whatever you want,” will bolster them and give them courage.
• Asking for their help in a way that stresses their skills or the benefit it would bring to your life can make them feel trusted and appreciated.

Quality Time is time dedicated solely for the purpose of being with your partner without distractions. A person with this language wants to simply be with their loved one. The activity is secondary to the actual act of being together. Time may mean actively engaging in meaningful conversation, participating in an activity that they like, even if you don’t, or having dinner together without watching TV or using electronic devices.

• An evening walk together, whether talking or not, can make your partner feel loved.
• Taking a cooking class or biking together can express a willingness to be with your partner, which translates into a full...

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The 5 Love Languages Summary Chapter 1: When the Honeymoon Is Over

Society is built around the idea that marriage is the ultimate culmination of love. This type of committed relationship feels necessary, even required for a happy life. Although there are many ways to be happy, many agree that a loving relationship is advantageous.

Keeping love alive is the topic of seminars, books, television, movies, and conversations with friends and family. Yet, the divorce rate highlights the lack of success many couples have in maintaining love after marriage.

• Many couples think that finding love is all there is to it.
• Or they don’t have the stamina or desire to do the work that keeps love romantic and fresh.
• Possibly, people don’t know what it means to be loving to their partners.

If a long-term loving relationship is desired, learning how your partner understands and receives love is necessary. But first, you must understand the difference between falling in love and maintaining love.

The Most Important Truth of Love

The problem with many relationships is not that love has dissolved, but rather that love is misunderstood . When we understand that each person speaks in their own love language , we can start to...

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Shortform Exercise: The Tell-Tale Signs of Language Compatibility

Now that you understand that different ways of communicating love exist, you can determine whether you are speaking the right language in your relationship.

Think about the last time you did something out of love for your partner that didn’t receive the desired outcome of appreciation. What was it?

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The 5 Love Languages Summary Chapter 2: Everyone Has a Love Tank

Our love tanks are the parts of us that represent our emotional need for love . The desire for love stems from a primary urge within us to fill our tanks.

When our love tanks are full, everything seems possible. The world seems more open and beautiful.

When our love tanks are empty, our worldview can become narrow and pessimistic.

Our Primal Need for Love

We are animals in nature. Just as the lion has a primal urge to hunt, humans have a primal need to experience intimacy and affection . Committed relationships are sought to address that urge and keep our love tanks full forever.

But being in love is not the same thing as living with love .

When we fall in love , we are experiencing a temporary filling of our love tanks because of the love high , regardless of how it is delivered. In this early state, we feel euphoric and understood. We feel powerful and confident.

But the in-love experience is short-lived . As the euphoria wanes, our...

Shortform Exercise: Checking Your Love Meter

Think of your love meter as the gas gauge on your car’s dashboard.

When you imagine your relationship, visualize your love meter. Where does it sit between full and empty?

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The 5 Love Languages Summary Chapter 3: The Joys of Beginning a Relationship

We all enter long-term relationships via the emotions created during the first few weeks or months or years of the union. When we meet someone we find attractive or mesh with, we feel a spark inside. Like lightning, that spark electrifies our dormant heart. We begin to take in every word, action, or look as fuel for our tanks.

• If the spark becomes more intense after a few dates, we attribute it to falling in love.
• If the spark burns out quickly, we explain it as “not meant to be.”

When we find the person we feel is “meant to be,” we become preoccupied with the feeling of love. All we want to do is swim in the sea of that new love—hugging, kissing, doing everything together. When we are without them, our thoughts of that person distract us from the realities of life.

We put on rose-colored glasses when we find love , and the world appears in that perfect hue until we are unable to remember what the world really looks like.

We assume this is how the world will look from now on with this person by our side. If we are old enough or experienced enough, we understand that love requires compromise and arguments will happen. But the person who is in love will...

Shortform Exercise: How Has Your Love Changed?

You now know that losing the high of falling in love is universal and nothing to be ashamed of. From this position, you can examine the ways in which love has been created or lost in your relationship.

Think about falling in love with your partner. Name one feeling or action by your partner you recognize as causing that sensation to dwindle?

The 5 Love Languages Summary Chapter 4: Love Language: Words of Affirmation

For people whose primary love language is Words of Affirmation, supportive and complementary words make them feel the most loved . Actions and physical intimacy are not as important as affirming words. Speaking this language to your partner means finding small or large ways of expressing approval and gratitude for who they are and what they do .

Affirming words are immensely useful when trying to express love.

• When you receive a compliment or words validating your person or actions, you feel good and respected. The same is true for the people you give affirming words to.
• When you show appreciation for your partner, those words embolden them with confidence and contentment.

Within the language of Words of Affirmation are varied dialects, meaning there are different categories of affirming words. Certain types of affirming words will strike different chords depending on the dialect your partner speaks . All Words of Affirmation are beneficial to one who speaks this language, but learning which particular dialect they speak will make the effort more fruitful.

The Dialect of Compliments

**Complimentary affirmations can be simple expressions of...

Shortform Exercise: Kindness Begets Kindness

You know how it feels to receive a compliment or receive kindness from your partner. If you know your partner speaks the language of Words of Affirmation, imagine what it would feel like to them if you reversed the direction of those words.

What is one thing you would love for your partner to say to you?

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The 5 Love Languages Summary Chapter 5: Love Language: Quality Time

People with the love language of Quality Time require moments of undivided attention from their partners . Spending time together is good. But more than just physical proximity, this language thrives on intentional and focused communication without outside distractions . When you spend quality time with your partner, you are telling them they are important.

Everyone is busy. There is a limited amount of time in every day. You may work during the day and have children to look after in the evenings. You may be pulled in ten different directions daily. You may feel too tired at night to do anything but watch TV.

When time is set aside for the one you love, it may feel like a sacrifice. To the person with this love language, that sacrifice speaks volumes. You are giving your partner a dedicated part of yourself, which is a powerful symbol of love.

Limited Time Depletes the Love Tank

When a person with this love language does not receive dedicated time, the love tank begins to drain. Even if you say nice things or do nice things for your partner, they will never feel satisfied or truly loved.

If you don’t share quality time with your partner, **they may come to...

Shortform Exercise: Keeping Track of Time

It can be hard for couples to find time to be together. But if this aspect of the relationship is important to one or both of you, learning to find that time is essential.

What was the last activity you and your partner did that was solely geared toward quality time together?

The 5 Love Languages Summary Chapter 6: Love Language: Receiving Gifts

You’ve heard the phrase, “It’s the thought that counts.” For the person with the love language of receiving gifts, that thought means more than anything else in the relationship.

A gift is a representation of thought. When you choose a gift for someone, you consider who they are and what they like. When you receive a gift, you know that person was thinking about you.

The act of obtaining and giving a gift symbolizes effort. The receiver of the gift feels love because that effort was made for them. It is not the size of the gift that matters. The gesture is everything.

Think about gifts you gave your parents as a child. Or, if you are a parent, think about how you feel when your child draws you a picture or makes you breakfast in bed. It warms the heart to feel that kind of love from them. It makes you feel special. You know their love is real and deep.

A gift can be considered a tangible symbol of love. The person with this language cherishes that symbol. Seeing it and feeling it reminds them of your love. If there is no tangible evidence of your love, your partner may have a hard time feeling it or believing in it.

**The type of gift holds little...

The 5 Love Languages Summary Chapter 7: Love Language: Acts of Service

The language of Acts of Service encompasses the act of one partner doing things for the other person . These actions are made without prompting and with the sole intention of pleasing the other. Whether an act of service makes life easier for your partner or simply fulfills a known desire, your partner’s tank will fill with love.

Acts of service may be large or small.

• They may include watching the children for a night by yourself or picking up takeout on your way home.
• Menial tasks like taking out the garbage, clearing the table after dinner, or feeding the cat can inspire feelings of love as much as changing the oil in your partner’s car or fixing the leaky showerhead.

The main message of an act of service is forethought and consideration. The thought and action together, when done without resentment, signifies love to your partner.

Finding The Right Acts

Speaking the language of Acts of Service means performing the right acts for your partner. Not every act will be taken as an act of love. Discovering what your partner’s particular desires are will ensure the maximum benefit of your actions.

If the actions performed do not match the...

Shortform Exercise: What Can You Do for Them

It can be hard to know how to help you partner in a way they will appreciate. Learning what is important to them requires thought and understanding.

What is one thing your partner frequently complains about having to do around the house?

The 5 Love Languages Summary Chapter 8: Love Language: Physical Touch

Physical touch is recognized by everyone for its bonding effects, but for the person with this love language, physical touch is the supreme representation of love . With consistent physical contact, this person’s love tank is full. Without touch, this person feels unloved, and the love tank begins to drain.

The act of touching is a surefire way of expressing emotional connection. You hug your friends when they are upset. You hug and kiss your children to show you love them. You cuddle and are physically intimate with your partner.

The stimulating effect of touch has a wide scope. The body holds tactile receptors throughout, which send signals to the brain through the nerves when activated. The brain transforms these signals into sensations.

• A touch might feel rough or gentle, loving or aggressive, warm or frigid.
• Through touch, these sensations communicate elements in a relationship.
• The right kind of touch will stimulate the right kind of feelings.

If you or your partner speak this love language, the act of touching will communicate emotions more than mere words could do.

• A loving touch affects you or your partner more deeply than...

Shortform Exercise: Your Relationship Touch Patterns

Even if you or your partner does not speak the primary love language of Physical Touch, all relationships involve tactile intimacy. Now that you are thinking about the nature of touch, you can see how it plays a role in your relationship.

Beyond sexual intimacy, what is one way you recognize that your partner likes to be touched?

The 5 Love Languages Summary Chapter 9: What Is Your Primary Love Language?

Understanding what love language you speak is just as important as knowing your partner’s language for the relationship to remain loving and happy. Even if your partner’s love tank is full, if yours is not, a happy relationship will be hard to maintain.

You may find it easy to identify your language and that of your partner. Or, you may feel you speak more than one, and narrowing it down to a primary language may be hard .

For instance, many people use the gauge of sexual desire to determine their primary language. For men, sexual desire is more biological. For women, sexual desire tends toward a more emotional sensation. Either origin may cause a person to assume their love language is or is not physical touch.

However, a strong libido does not necessarily indicate a preference for touch . If you or your partner is very sexually active but can take or leave other forms of touch, Physical Touch is not the primary love language. Likewise, if you or your spouse is not overly interested in sexual intimacy but feels love most through subtle touches, Physical Touch may be the primary language.

When you determine the correct love language and adjust behavior to speak...

Shortform Exercise: Which Language Are You?

Now that you know a few ways to determine your language, let’s see if you can narrow it down to one or two.

What is something your partner did recently that made you feel loved more than usual? Which language does that action fall into?

The 5 Love Languages Summary Chapters 10-11: Why Love Is the Key

At the basis of all other emotions within a relationship is the sensation of love. When you feel loved, you feel less pressure, less alone, less anxiety, more secure, more confident, and more important.

Self-worth is tied into feeling loved.

• If you are loved, you feel like at least one person believes you are worthy.
• When you don’t feel loved, you may interpret that as a lack of worth or significance.

Deep love gives you poise and strength.

• If you are loved, you feel secure in your relationship. Security allows you to argue without fear.
• Security allows you to feel free to be individuals outside and within the relationship.

Love can ease anxiety about the future.

• When you are in a loving relationship, you feel as though you have someone by your side. Confronting the future is easier when you have someone to do it with.
• If you feel unloved, you may feel your partner has the power to destroy whatever bits of happiness you do have. You may begin to...

Shortform Exercise: Filling Your Partner’s Love Tank

If you’ve read this far, you probably believe it is important for your partner to feel loved. You probably want to be able to show them love in a significant way.

What do you assume your partner’s love language is?

The 5 Love Languages Summary Chapter 12: Loving through the Hard Times

Learning to speak each other’s love languages can have staggering effects on any relationship, even those on the brink of death.

Most relationships end because of negative patterns. Past hurts or resentments cloud our ability to love or feel loved.

• Negative cycles or patterns in arguments preclude any chance for progress. Phrases such as “You always do ” or “You never ” place people in boxes with no way out.
• A long committed relationship may be failing because each person forgot how to love the other in a way that made them feel good.
• Relationships also end when partners stop trying to make the other feel loved.

Whatever the issues or patterns are, immediately learning and communicating through each other’s love languages can go a long way to rebuilding love in your relationship .

Love is a process. Even if you make the choice to speak your partner’s love language, they may not respond positively right away. The choice is yours to continue loving them and filling their tanks. As their tanks begin to...

Shortform Exercise: Changing Reality

Feeling the ending of a relationship approaching can be devastating and debilitating. Now that you understand the love languages, is there a way the negative patterns in your relationship can be improved?

What is a complaint your partner always brings up about you?

The 5 Love Languages Summary Chapter 13: Final Thoughts

You and your partner are different, even if you have been together for a long time. As individuals, you bring your histories and baggage into your relationship . You have expectations for what you want or should receive from your partner. You have different ways of coping with anger and pain. You have different priorities.

When your love tank is full, you can meet your partner in a positive place to deal with your differences. With a full love...

The 5 Love Languages Summary FAQ: The 5 Love Languages

1. What if I can’t figure out my love language or my partner’s?

If the information in Chapter 9 doesn’t help you understand your language or your partner’s, consider the 5-week experiment . Monday through Friday, try speaking one of the languages consistently with your partner. Take Saturday and Sunday off.

Try a different language in each week. You may notice a stronger reaction in your partner one week than another. Whichever week they seem to respond more strongly may indicate which language they speak.

The week you were most comfortable speaking one of the languages or found the most joy in performing the specific acts can also speak to your preferred language.

2. Will my love language change over time?

Like any inherent part of our personalities, our preferred love language tends to be developed when we’re young and stays with us. However, changes could occur if your priorities change.

• You may love to be touched, but if you have a demanding workload, you might find you desire or appreciate acts of service by your partner more.
• You may seek quality time with your partner and desire that most often, but if your schedules don’t allow for it, or you...

Shortform Exercise: The 5 Love Languages in Your Life

With the knowledge you’ve gained from this summary, let’s see how it might apply to your current circumstances.

Which love language do you believe best represents you and why?

Table of Contents

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts Summary and Quotes

Gary Chapman

2.3 minutes to read • Updated May 22, 2024

Download summary as PDF, eBook/ePub, DOCX

What it's about in one sentence:.

A transformative guide that helps individuals understand their partner's love language and create a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.

Bullet Point Summary

• Love is essential to a fulfilling life. Research shows children that receive little love and affection become emotionally unstable later on.
• Love has many definitions, but the definition that's most important is the one you define for yourself. Find what brings you emotional fulfillment so that you can keep your love tank full. When your love tank is empty, nothing (wealth, success, etc.) can replace the void.
• Fancy houses and expensive cars are pointless if your partner doesn't love you.
• The first phase of a relationship is the in-love phenomenon . This refers to the passionate, obsessive, and instinctual love that drives us to reproduce. Research shows that relationships that are based on this type of intense romance only last two years on average.
• For a marriage to be lasting, we need to redefine our expectations of marriage, and focus on each other's emotional needs. Learning how to communicate our emotions effectively is key to nurturing real love.
• The languages of love are complex and different people perceive and express love in different ways. Your primary love language might be physical touch, while your partner's might be quality time.
• Misunderstandings can arise even between long-time partners because their love languages may be mistranslated. Understanding your partner's love language is crucial for building a strong and happy relationship.
• The first love language is words of affirmation . It involves giving verbal compliments, praise, and encouragement to express love. “Praise is the sweetest of all sounds.”
• Complimenting a partner is a more effective way to motivate them than criticizing them. It prevents your requests from sounding like demands.
• The second love language is quality time , which involves giving your partner undivided attention, whether through quality conversations or quality activities.
• Quality activities are less about the event itself and more about expressing love for each other. Simply spending time near each other while engaging in separate activities does not constitute quality time.
• The third love language is showing affection through the act of gift-giving . Throughout history, giving gifts has been a part of every marital process and is a physical symbol of love.
• Pay attention to what your partner likes. Surprising your partner with regular gifts is a great way to express love.
• The monetary value of the gift is not the focus for those who speak this love language, but rather the process and meaning behind it.
• One of the greatest gifts one can give their partner is the gift of self during hard times, by simply being there for them throughout difficult periods.
• The fourth love language is acts of service , which consists of intentionally doing helpful things for your partner, such as cleaning, grocery shopping, or taking care of the kids. This might challenge traditional gender roles, but it shows love and respect for your partner, so it is important to overcome any stereotypical views (e.g., household chores are for women).
• Acts of service must be voluntary, and not demanded. Frequently ask what you can do for your partner, and it will likely be reciprocated.
• The fifth love language is physical touch . Physical touch is an important way to show love, and it can be the primary love language for some people. Research shows babies that were caressed and kissed have healthier emotional lives later on.
• Gestures such as holding hands, hugging, kissing, and sexual intercourse are all ways to communicate love through physical touch.
• Try experimenting and exploring unexplored places to understand what feels good to your partner and learn how to please them. Remember to ask for feedback. It is crucial to respect boundaries and avoid or report physical abuse.
• To find your primary love language, first, ask yourself what you most often request of your partner, and what comes to mind when you want to feel fulfilled. Secondly, consider what your partner does that hurts you the most.
• Your upbringing affects the development of your love language. Reflect on how your parents or guardians showed you love or didn't. For example, Ella's primary love language is gift-giving. She traces the source back to when she felt unloved on a Christmas morning because her family just found something random around the house to gift her.

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What Are the Five Love Languages?

Knowing your partner's love language could strengthen your relationship

Sherri Gordon, CLC is a published author, certified professional life coach, and bullying prevention expert. She's also the former editor of Columbus Parent and has countless years of experience writing and researching health and social issues.

Ivy Kwong, LMFT, is a psychotherapist specializing in relationships, love and intimacy, trauma and codependency, and AAPI mental health.  

Adah Chung is a fact checker, writer, researcher, and occupational therapist. 

Verywell / Alison Czinkota

• The 5 Love Languages
• Identify Your Love Language
• Benefits of Love Languages

Love Languages in Everyday Life

Frequently asked questions.

The five love languages describe five ways that people receive and express love in a relationship. These are words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and receiving gifts.

Knowing your partner's love language and letting them know yours is a way to help you both feel loved and appreciated. Author and pastor Gary Chapman describes how to use these love languages to show your partner you care for them in a way that speaks to their heart.

The Five Love Languages

Chapman's book "The 5 Love Languages" was first published in 1992. Before writing the book, Chapman began to notice patterns in couples he was counseling. He realized that the couples were misunderstanding each other's needs.

That led him to come up with five love languages, or ways that people in relationships express love. They are:

• Words of affirmation
• Quality time
• Physical touch
• Acts of service
• Receiving gifts

Words of Affirmation

"Words of affirmation" is about expressing affection through spoken words, praise, or appreciation. When this is someone's primary love language, they enjoy kind words and encouragement, uplifting quotes, love notes, and cute text messages. You can make this person's day by complimenting them or pointing out what they do well.

Quality Time

Someone with this love language values your full presence when you are together. They feel most loved if you give them your undivided attention and spend time together in meaningful and interactive ways. This means putting down the cell phone, turning off the computer, making eye contact, thoughtfully interacting, and  actively listening .

People with this love language are looking for quality over quantity.

Physical Touch

A person with physical touch as their primary love language feels love through physical affection. Aside from sex, they feel loved when their partner holds their hand, touches their arm, or gives them a massage at the end of the day, for example.

This person's idea of a wonderful date night might be cuddling on the couch while watching a movie, slow dancing together with a lot of physical contact, or taking a long walk together while holding hands. They feel most loved when physically interacting with their partner.

Acts of Service

Acts of service are nice things you do for your partner that make them feel loved and appreciated, such as:

• Helping with the dishes
• Running errands
• Putting gas in the car

If your partner's main love language is acts of service, they'll notice and appreciate little things you do for them. They tend to perform acts of service and kindness for others, too.

Receiving Gifts

For someone who resonates with this love language, gifts symbolize love, care, and affection. They treasure not only the gift itself but also the time and effort the gift-giver put into selecting it.

People who enjoy receiving gifts as part of their primary love language do not necessarily expect large or expensive presents; it's more the effort and thoughtfulness behind the gift that count.

When you take the time to pick out a gift specifically for them, it tells them you are thoughtful and really know and care about them and their preferences. People with this love language can often remember every little gift they have received from their loved ones because it makes such an impact on them.

Are There Other Love Languages?

According to Chapman's framework, the original five love languages have stayed the same, but that doesn't mean there aren't other ways to express and receive love.

This is just one framework, and there have been several proposed additions over the years. For example, ideas like shared experiences and emotional security. The more we think about ourselves and what fills our relationship tank, the more ways we have to help our partner love us in the way we most want to be loved.

How to Identify Your Love Language

In a relationship, do you feel more loved when your partner:

• Tells you, "I love you," or praises something you did?
• Surprises you with a meaningful gift?
• Plans a trip for just the two of you?
• Runs the errands or does the laundry?
• Holds your hand while you're walking?

Answering these questions could give you a hint as to what your love language might be. You could also try to recall the sorts of things you ask for in a relationship or consider how you express love to your partner.

Your partner's love language might not be the same as yours. When couples have different primary love languages, there are bound to be misunderstandings. However, if your partner learns to speak your love language (and you, theirs), they will likely feel loved, appreciated, and, ultimately, happier in the relationship.

Take our fast, free quiz to find out your love language:

This love languages quiz was reviewed by Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD.

How Love Languages Benefit Relationships

We all express and receive love differently. Learning and understanding those differences can have a meaningful impact on your relationship. According to Chapman, this is one of the simplest ways to improve your relationships. Here are some other ways learning your respective love languages could be beneficial.

Love Languages Promote Selflessness

When you are committed to learning someone else's love language, you are  focused on their needs rather than your own. This is the central premise of Chapman's theory. Couples should make an effort to learn and respond to their partner's love language rather than trying to convince their partner to change to their own. Ideally, both people will want to express and share love in a way that is meaningful to the other..

The entire purpose of exploring your love languages together is to learn how to love your partner in a way that is meaningful to them.

Love Languages Create Empathy

As you learn more about how your partner experiences love, you learn to empathize with them. It helps you step outside of yourself for a moment and take a look at what makes another person feel significant and loved.

When couples are committed to learning and using the love languages, they increase their emotional intelligence and learn how to put someone else's needs above their own. Instead of speaking their own love language to their partner, they learn how to speak in a language that their partner understands.

Love Languages Help Maintain Intimacy

Regularly talking about what keeps your love tanks full can build more understanding—and ultimately,  intimacy —in your relationship. You'll not only learn more about one another, but you'll also connect in more meaningful and significant ways. When this happens, your relationship deepens in intimacy.

A 2016 review published in the Global Journal of Health Science concluded that improving communication skills can aid intimacy in a marriage.

Love Languages Aid Personal Growth

Focusing on something or someone outside of yourself can lead to personal growth. Loving your partner in ways that are outside your comfort zone can inspire and motivate you to grow and change , and to look at ways of thinking and being beyond yourself.

Love Languages Help You Share Love in Meaningful Ways

When couples start speaking one another's love language, the things they do for each other become more intentional and meaningful. They are saying "I love you" in ways that make sense to their partners, who then receive that love and feel more noticed, content, and appreciated.

According to Chapman, love languages also apply to relationships between parents and children, among coworkers, and among friends. For example, if your child's primary love language is words of affirmation, they'd like to hear verbal praise or, "I love you." It's highly individual: A coworker might feel more appreciated if you use one love language instead of another.

Your love language can also change occasionally. For instance, if you had a bad day at work, you might prefer a hug from your partner rather than an encouraging word.

The key is to regularly communicate and ask  what your partner needs to feel cherished , heard, appreciated, and loved. Once you have checked in, you can take the information learned and put it into practice.

Criticisms of the Love Language Theory

Though learning the love languages helps many people communicate better with their partners, there are limitations to the theory and how people apply it to their relationships.

Many People Misuse the Languages

Some people get a bit competitive about using love languages, which can actually strain a relationship. For example, you might start keeping track of all the times you use your partner's love language and compare it to how many times your partner used yours.

The love languages are intended to give you more awareness and options when it comes to giving and receiving intimacy, not to be used for control, punishment, or manipulation.

Love languages can be a way to open up communication and compassion, but you shouldn't use them as games or weapons against your partner. Some people continue to use their own language (instead of their partner's) to show they care—and that's OK.

You can be in a relationship with someone who doesn't share your love language. Try to be understanding and open. You can recognize and appreciate your partner’s actions even if they don’t match your own language perfectly.

They Don't Fix Other Relationship Problems

The five love languages won't fix all of your relationship issues ; they are simply one tool of many you can use to improve communication with your partner.

Research shows that couples who use each other's love languages feel the happiest within their relationships when they also use self-regulation tools to handle their own emotions. While the love languages were a tool, the couples' accountability for their emotions and behavioral changes contributed the most to their overall happiness.

Your love language can change, too. It's important to accept and expect that love languages can change over time, especially given life stressors or major changes such as having children.

They May Lead to Pressure on Partners

Many people talk about love languages in the context of committed relationships or marriage. Remember that learning and understanding your own love language is an important tool for you to practice self-love.

You want to avoid putting too much pressure on your partner to consistently express your love language to you.

One study found that the biggest obstacle for couples who were using each other's love languages was that the recipient often didn't recognize that their partner was trying to use their love language.

It's important for the giver to communicate and for the recipient to recognize and show appreciation for their partner's efforts, even if they don't exactly meet expectations. This positive feedback will allow learning to happen and changes to continue instead of shaming which leads to shutdown

They Perpetuate Heteronormativity

Chapman’s original model focuses on heterosexual couples even though the theory can apply to any partnership regardless of their sexual orientation. If you're reading "The 5 Love Languages" and you aren't in a heterosexual relationship or you aren't heteronormative, it might feel frustrating to be excluded from the text.

What is heteronormativity?

Heteronormativity is the assumption that all people are straight and that romantic and sexual relationships are always between one man and one woman. It assumes that heterosexuality is the default sexual orientation and that it's the only normal or natural way to express sexuality and attraction.

Keep in Mind

Once you and your partner know each other's love language, you both can benefit. Speaking your partner's love language can take a bit of effort and intention, though, especially if it is different from yours. Remember, healthy relationships aren't born; they're developed through attention and effort.

The good news is that you can enhance your relationship by learning your partner's love languages and putting them into practice. And, if you both are committed to loving one another in the ways that speak to both of you, you will find yourself not only deeper in love, but also in a more meaningful and fulfilling relationship.

In 1997, Gary Chapman wrote a book with Ross Campbell, MD, about how the five love languages can apply to children as well. In it, he describes methods of observing which love language your child may resonate with. There is also a quiz that a parent can take on behalf of their child. It is available on the Five Love Languages website .

The easiest way to determine your partner's love language is to have them take the quiz. You could also consider what they ask for or do most in a relationship. Do they frequently bring you thoughtful gifts? Or tell you they love you? This could be a hint as to what their love language might be.

Kardan-Souraki M, Hamzehgardeshi Z, Asadpour I, Mohammadpour RA, Khani S. A review of marital intimacy-enhancing interventions among married individuals . Glob J Health Sci . 2016;8(8):74-93. doi:10.5539/gjhs.v8n8p74

5 Love Languages. Frequently asked questions .

Hughes JL, Camden AA. Using Chapman’s five love languages theory to predict love and relationship satisfaction . PsiChiJournal. 2020;25(3):234-244. doi:10.24839/2325-7342.jn25.3.234

Bunt S, Hazelwood ZJ. Walking the walk, talking the talk: Love languages, self-regulation, and relationship satisfaction . Pers Relationship. 2017;24(2):280-290. doi:10.1111/pere.12182

Campbell R, Chapman G. The 5 Love Languages of Children: The Secret to Loving Children Effectively . Moody Publishers.

Chapman G. The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts . Moody Publishers.

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The 5 Love Languages: How to Receive and Express Love

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The 5 Love Languages refer to five ways people express and experience emotional affection in relationships. Understanding these languages can benefit any relationship by ensuring partners effectively communicate care in a way most meaningful to each other.

Originally developed by marriage counselor Dr. Gary Chapman in his 1992 book, the five love languages are:

• Words of Affirmation : communicating affection through spoken and written praise, appreciation, encouragement, and frequent “I love you’s”.
• Quality Time : expressing love by fully focusing attention on your partner through shared activities, conversation, and togetherness.
• Physical Touch : showing care through intimate and affectionate physical contact like hugging, kissing, and sex.
• Acts of Service : doing thoughtful deeds and gestures to help make your partner’s life easier by relieving burdens.
• Receiving Gifts : giving meaningful surprises and symbolic presents to celebrate affection.

“I discovered the five love languages out of my counselling. They would sit in my office and one of them would say I just feel like he doesn’t love me or she doesn’t love me and the other person would say I don’t understand that, I do this and this and this, why would you not feel loved?” Dr. Gary Chapman on The Five Love Languages

Words of Affirmation

Someone whose love language is words of affirmation prefers love to be expressed through spoken words, praise, or appreciation.

Specific examples include:

• Compliments about their character or accomplishments
• Frequent “I love you”
• Words of praise when they do something well
• Encouraging text messages
• Thoughtful love notes
• Pet names or terms of endearment

People with this love language may feel hurt by excessive criticism or lack of verbal appreciation.

Partners can make them feel cared for by consciously expressing affection through spoken and written words.

Little comments that recognize their efforts like “dinner was delicious, thank you for cooking” go a long way.

They may say ‘I love you,’ ‘I’m proud of you,’ and ‘I appreciate you’ to connect with their partner on a deeper level.

Quality Time

If someone’s love language is quality time , they really appreciate love and affection being expressed through undivided attention from their partner. 

Those with this love language feel most loved when their partner is fully engaged, such as:

• Making eye contact when speaking
• Actively listening without distractions
• Partaking in activities together
• Having meaningful conversations
• Sharing thoughts, feelings and desires

They dislike when their partner seems distracted, disinterested or frequently cancels plans.

Partners can fulfill this need by putting away phones, turning off the TV, facing each other, and asking open-ended questions to nurture intimacy through quality conversation. Planning regular date nights is also hugely meaningful.

Dr. Gary Chapman offers the following advice to express love as quality time:

“Quality time for example, an old-fashioned handwritten letter speaks to the person who has quality time as their language because they’re sitting there reading it and they’re thinking, man they took time to write this thing. And then again, they can read it again and again and hold it in their hand. So that really does speak to quality time people.”

Physical Touch

Those whose primary love language is physical touch feel the most love and appreciation through physical affection.

This includes:

• Holding hands
• Cuddling on the couch
• Stroking their arm/face casually in passing
• Sexual intimacy
• Sitting close together

A lack of physical connection causes someone with this love language to feel distant or unloved.

Partners can make them feel secure through small regular touches, such as a squeeze of the hand when out to dinner or an affectionate neck rub when relaxing at home together in the evenings.

Simply put, people who prefer physical touch want to feel emotionally connected to their partner physically, and it may be important for them to feel physically close to their partner every day.

Long-distance couples can also portray quality time and physical touch. Dr. Gary Chapman offers the following examples when a member of a couple is undertaking military service:

Physical touch, you would think that would be impossible half a world away. Well, one lady said this: “I knew my husband’s love language was physical touch, so when he was deployed, I put my hand on a sheet of paper, I traced my hand, and mailed it to him with a note that said put your hand on my hand, I want to hold your hand. When he came home, he said to me, every time I put my hand on that paper, I felt her. It’s not literal touch, but it’s emotional touch, and that’s what we’re talking about.”

A man said, “I knew her love language is physical touch so before I left I said to her, I’m gonna leave my jean jacket here, any time you need a hug, you put it on and I’ll hug you. She said, every time I put it on I felt his arms around me. So there are practical ways that we spell those out in that military edition.”

Acts of Service

If someone’s primary love language is acts of service , they may want love expressed to them through their partner helping them out through helpful deeds.

These can be:

• Doing chores like laundry, dishes, or cleaning without being asked
• Preparing their partner coffee in the morning
• Making their partner’s favorite home-cooked meal after a stressful day
• Volunteering to run errands like grocery shopping when busy
• Helping with tasks at work by proofreading or staying late
• Taking on extra childcare duties to allow partner personal time
• Planning date activities requiring effort like crafting or hiking

Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for their partner may communicate to their partner that their feelings do not matter.

Noticing when someone’s tired and proactively relieving their workload demonstrates caring better than just talking about helping. Following through reliably also builds trust.

Receiving Gifts

The final love language is  receiving gifts . Those with this as their primary love language feel most cared for by receiving gifts and cherish tangible symbols of love. This includes:

• Picking up a drink or treat for no occasion while out during the day
• Buying personalized gifts like a mug with a shared private joke
• Remembering favorite candy and surprising them with it
• Bringing home something that reminded them of their partner
• Making meaningful mix CDs featuring songs representing relationship moments
• Writing heartfelt cards celebrating milestones, achievements, or feelings

Even very small, frequent gestures (as opposed to large expensive presents) show the partner was thinking fondly of them.

Partners can nurture this need through spontaneous, unique gifts that reference inside meaning, not just generic presents on obligatory holidays.

People with this love language treasure not only the gift itself but also the time and effort the gift giver put into getting the gift. Gifts could be physical items or even the gift of the partner themselves, such as going to surprise them when they do not expect it.

Someone with this love language may feel hurt if their partner never brings them meaningful gifts or forgets to give them a gift on special occasions such as birthdays and anniversaries. 

What is My Love Language?

The five love languages are different ways that people express and experience love. Understanding your primary love language can enhance communication, deepen emotional connection, and foster a greater sense of intimacy in your relationships.

Ready to discover your love language? Let’s get started!

Words Of Affirmation

• Do you feel loved when someone compliments you or appreciates something you’ve done?
• How do you react when someone frequently says “I love you” or expresses their feelings towards you in words?
• Do verbal expressions of gratitude make you feel valued and respected?
• Do you feel most connected to your partner when they express their feelings for you verbally?
• Does it make you feel special when your partner expresses their love for you with special names or terms of endearment?
• Do you find written notes, letters, or messages expressing love particularly touching?
• Do you feel most connected to your partner when they spend uninterrupted time with you?
• How important is it for you to share experiences, activities, or hobbies with your partner?
• Do you value deep, meaningful conversations with your partner?
• How does it affect you when your partner is physically present but seems mentally distracted?
• Does it hurt you more when your partner cancels plans or doesn’t spend time with you compared to other disappointments?
• Do you feel more loved when your partner expresses affection through physical touch, such as holding hands or hugging?
• How important is physical intimacy to you in a relationship?
• Do you feel more connected to your partner when they casually touch you, like a hand on your shoulder or a brush of your arm?
• Is your first instinct to physically comfort your partner when they are upset?
• Does a lack of physical touch make you feel distant or unloved?
• Does physical closeness, like sitting next to each other or cuddling, make you feel loved?

Acts Of Service

• Does your partner assisting you with your responsibilities make you feel cared for?
• How important is it for you that your partner steps in to lighten your workload when you’re overwhelmed?
• How do you feel when your partner goes out of their way to do something that makes your day run more smoothly?
• Would you feel more loved if your partner cooked your favorite meal or cleaned up without being asked?
• Does it upset you more when your partner doesn’t follow through with something they said they would do, compared to other disappointments?
• Do you often express love by doing things for others that you know they would appreciate?
• Do you feel loved when you receive a gift that shows your partner was thinking of you?
• How important is it for you to receive tangible symbols of love from your partner?
• Does receiving a gift, regardless of its cost, make you feel appreciated and valued?
• How do you feel when your partner remembers special occasions with a thoughtful gift?
• Does the thought and effort behind a gift matter more to you than the gift itself?
• Does it hurt you more when your partner forgets to get you a gift for a special occasion compared to other oversights?
• Do you feel more loved when your partner surprises you with a small gift for no particular reason?
• Do you still keep and cherish gifts given to you by your partner a long time ago?

Love Languages in Relationships

Chapman concluded that people don’t give and receive love in the same ways and that everyone has a primary love language that speaks to them most deeply.

He found that patterns emerged in what his clients wanted from their partners. Five consistent patterns were found, which then became what he termed the 5 Love Languages. 

Essentially, Chapman found that his client’s partners may have been expressing love, but it was not in a meaningful way to their partners. They may instead have been receiving an expression of love that is not connected to their love language.

By finding out people’s love languages and the love language of their partner, Chapman suggests that this can help people ensure that they both truly feel loved.

Chapman explains that falling in love is a ‘temporary emotional high’ and that after the initial emotional obsession has died down, partners must put in the effort to pursue what he terms ‘real love.’

He stated that after time in a relationship, couples might forget how to have meaningful connections with their partners. However, through understanding and practicing their partner’s love language, they can rectify and revive these relationships.

All five love languages are equally important, but people differ on the ones they prefer. Some people may appreciate all five, while others may actively dislike one or more.

Chapman suggested several methods in his 1992 book for discovering people’s love languages. He developed the Five Love Languages Profile, which is an online scale ( found here)

Alternatively, individuals can ask themselves some of the following questions:

• ‘What does your partner do or not do that hurts deeply?’
• ‘What have you requested that your partner do more often?’
• ‘How do you regularly express love to your partner?’
• ‘What would your ideal partner be like?’

These types of questions allow people to see what is important to them and to pinpoint the desired ways they wish to receive love.

Although Chapman’s book was written in 1992, it has continued to help couples today.

How Love Languages Help Relationships

Promotes empathy and selflessness.

Using and being committed to understanding another’s love language encourages people to learn to focus on their partner’s needs rather than their own.

Selflessness can be promoted through knowing a person’s love language via time, effort, understanding, and emotional openness. This also encourages partners to step outside themselves and look at what makes another person feel significant.

Being able to view things from someone else’s perspective can promote empathy . If people can empathize with their partner, then they are likely to understand another’s love language and why their partners’ may be different from their own.

Creating empathy for another person can also increase emotional intelligence .

Emotionally intelligent people often put others’ needs before their own, as well as being considerate of others’ perspectives, experiences, and emotions.

Creates more meaningful actions

When couples start to understand and use each other’s love languages more often, the thing they do not only become more intentional but also more meaningful.

By focusing on actions that are known to be more valuable to their partner, time is not wasted on actions that their partner does not appreciate as much.

Encourages self-awareness

Becoming more knowledgeable about how their own and their partner’s love language works can promote self-awareness.

People can become more considerate about how they communicate with their partners, understand what they should or should not do, and make a conscious effort to improve their relationships.

Helps with personal growth

Personal growth can stem from someone being focused on something or someone outside of themselves. Being focused on someone else’s love language can force people to grow and change for the better, to the benefit of their relationship.

The five love languages can also encourage people to love others in ways that they may not have considered before or that are outside of their comfort zone.

Stronger relationships

Putting in time and effort and creating meaningful activities with a partner can strengthen relationships. As they learn more about each other, the intimacy levels, security levels, and happiness of couples should be increased.

Chapman used an analogy of ‘emotional love tanks’ to describe the levels of a couple’s relationships. He stated that low or empty love tanks could cause romantic withdrawal or falling out of love, harsh interactions, or inappropriate behaviors.

Couples with full love tanks, who speak in each other’s love languages, can deal with conflict and cope with their differences. Problems can arise when partners do not know their partner’s love languages or how to use them, so the love tank can empty over time.

However, understanding and learning to use each other’s love languages are necessary for filling the love tank and strengthening relationships.

Are The Love Languages Valid?

Chapman states that the five love languages are a universal construct that can be found in various countries.

Karandashev (2015) argues that love is indeed universal, but it can manifest differently according to different cultures.

For instance, physical touch, such as hugging, can express love in some cultures, but in others, it can be seen as a sexual expression.

Chapman’s theory was based on his own experiences as a counselor and lacked scientific rigor, especially as there is not much research on the five love languages.

One study by Egbert and Polk (2006) tested this validity on students. The results showed that the common love languages expressed by the students matched those of Chapman’s theory; this study is the first empirical support of the theory.

Likewise, Surijah and Septiarly (2016) aimed to validate the love languages theory. The five love languages scale seemed to show a promising reliability score, and there were found to be 17 items on the scale which were valid.

One study on love languages found that if someone perceived that their partner was using their preferred love language well, they had increased feelings of love and relationship satisfaction. This was the case for heterosexual and homosexual couples (Hughes & Camden, 2020).

The same researchers also found that women who perceived their partners were using their preferred love language well reported greater feelings of love compared to men’s perceptions. 

This suggests that love languages may be more effective in improving romantic relationships from a woman’s perspective.

Some issues with the theory are that some people may misuse their love languages, becoming competitive with their partners. Some may keep track of how many actions they have completed for their partner’s love language compared to how many their partner has done, which can put more of a strain on the relationship.

This can also pressure couples if some want their partners to express their love language consistently. Love languages should also not be seen as the main cure for a deteriorating relationship.

This theory may not be able to fix other relationship problems that may exist, and some couples may need further relationship guidance from professionals. For instance, if a relationship is toxic , abusive , or includes gaslighting behaviors, using love languages on their own may not fix the issues.

Love languages should thus be seen as one tool of many to aid communication.

The original model of the love languages written in the 1990s was focused on heterosexual married couples, Chapman often using ‘husbands’ and ‘wives’ when describing the partners.

This can be frustrating for those in homosexual relationships who wish to learn about the theory but may feel excluded.

However, the tools can be used by anyone if they are willing to overlook the heteronormative nature of the theory, as Hughes and Camden (2020) in their research found that homosexual couples benefitted from the love languages as much as heterosexual couples.

Lastly, the original works often described situations and gave advice that adhered to outdated gender stereotypes.

In a 1995 article by Chapman, some quotes included: ‘Isn’t it sweet when every day your wife has the breakfast table set with scrumptious food so you can get a good meal before you go to work…’, and ‘How about sending him food for lunch, or buying her new pots for her kitchen?’.

These gender stereotypes can make it frustrating for women to read, and they may dismiss the theory altogether. It may be that updating the love languages and using more inclusive language would make the theory feel more applicable to the general population.

Taking the outdated views out of consideration, the updated love language rating scales do not appear to be gender specific and can be applicable to anyone in any type of relationship.

Applying Love Languages for Relationship Success

While understanding the foundation of the five love languages provides useful conceptual knowledge, putting insights into action sustains relationships.

Single daters can identify their own primary love language and then evaluate potential partners based on compatible expression styles early on.

An acts of service person unlikely pairs well with a physically-focused lover lacking helping behaviors.

Long-term couples—no matter how familiar—benefit from rediscovering each individual’s potentially evolved love languages over years together.

Have open dialogues regularly exploring what currently makes each person feel connected beyond surface assumptions.

Regardless of status, conscious application nurtures bonds by caring more for what the other desires rather than what feels natural to give.

Speaking each other’s language—with loving action, not just loving words—makes relationships continually feel fulfilling despite life’s inevitable changes.

In practice, consider weaving weekly rituals nurturing all love languages into relating habits. For example, the words of affirmation partner sends a loving text each morning, the physical touch individual hugs upon reuniting each evening.

Staying fluent in love languages requires ongoing engagement, not a one-time quiz. Maintain intimacy through flexibility, meeting evolving emotional needs over the long-term.

In summary, this framework primarily provides a vocabulary, not a quick fix—simply applying labels without adapting expressions toward a partner’s needs breeds more isolation over time.

But invested partners willing to learn how each other’s dialects of desire change across the chapters of life often reach relationship success by loving well, not just fluently.

Frequently asked questions

Does my love language need to be the same as my partner’s to have a strong relationship.

It can be easier if your and your partner’s love language align since you are more likely to be aware of what your partner appreciates if it is similar to what you appreciate.

Despite this, having different love languages does not have to be an issue. As long as the preferred love language is communicated and each person has a good idea of how to show love to their partner, then it is as simple as that.

Issues may only arise if a partner refuses to show their partner’s preferred love language or is not willing to compromise. This can make their partner feel unloved and can break down a relationship over time.

Can love languages be used in other relationships?

Although the original theory discussed the use of love languages between romantic partners, it is possible to use love languages in other relationships: with friends, family members, and co-workers.

For example, if you know that your friend’s love language is words of affirmation, you can ensure you use this with them. You could say tell them ‘I’m so proud of you’, ‘I love spending time with you’, or ‘You’re such a good friend’.

You can even express love languages to yourself. For instance, if your primary love language is receiving gifts, you could treat yourself to something you have wanted for a while or have a day at the spa.

Overall, there are endless ways in which love languages can be expressed to all the people in your life.

Can someone have multiple preferred love languages?

It is very common for people to have a preference for more than one type of love language.

The types may even complement each other. For example, if someone’s love languages are quality time and physical touch, these may be easily accommodated together, for instance, by putting an arm around a partner while watching a movie.

It is also possible for our preferred love language to change over time. This is because our needs and wants constantly change, so the way we receive and show love can also change.

How is the triangular theory of love different from love languages?

The triangular theory provides a structural model of love’s components, while love languages focus on the methods of expressing and experiencing love.

The triangular theory’s structure gives a holistic view of love, allowing for the assessment of the depth and type of love someone might feel. It recognizes that love isn’t one-dimensional. For instance, a long-term couple might have strong intimacy and commitment, representing a deep emotional bond and dedication but might have reduced passion over time. Conversely, a new relationship might be characterized by intense passion but lacks the depth of intimacy or the long-term commitment, indicative of infatuation.

The concept of love languages offers a practical approach to understanding and improving interpersonal relationships. Knowing one’s own love language and that of their partner can significantly enhance the quality of the relationship.

Chapman, G. (1995). The five languages of love. Chicago: Northfield.

Chapman, G. D. (2015). The five love languages: The secret to love that lasts. Northfield Publishing.

Egbert, N., & Polk, D. (2006). Speaking the language of relational maintenance: A validity test of Chapman’s Five Love Languages. Communication Research Reports, 23(1), 19-26.

Hughes, J. L., & Camden, A. A. (2020). Using Chapman’s Five Love Languages Theory to Predict Love and Relationship Satisfaction. Psi Chi Journal of Psychological Research, 25.

Karandashev, V. (2015). A cultural perspective on romantic love. Online Readings in Psychology and Culture, 5(4), 2.

Surijah, E. A., & Septiarly, Y. L. (2016). Construct validation of five love languages. Anima Indonesian Psychological Journal, 31(2), 65-76.

What’s Your Love Language? https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language/

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Every christian's journey toward eternity…, the five love languages: book review and summary.

This post is about the book, The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman . On this page, you will read about its book review, book summary, best quotes, and the key lessons from the book.

Table of Contents

The Five Love Languages in three sentences

The Five Love Languages talks about the five different ways people communicate and interpret love. By knowing the specific love language of your spouse, you will have a richer and more intimate relationship. This book will give you practical and relevant wisdom in handling marital conflicts and promoting love in your marriage.

Content at a glance

Who is gary chapman, what are the five love languages, 5 love languages book summary, related books, 5 love languages book review, negative reviews of 5 love languages, lessons from 5 love language book, best quotes from the 5 love languages book, read the five love languages book.

🚨 SUPER IMPORTANT TO READ: 🚨 Editor’s note: This list of books is intended to be used for informational purposes only. Moreover, I have my own fundamental beliefs that may differ from that of the authors, creators, and sellers of the products featured here. Moreover, you can also choose to read books I have written or enroll in my best online course . Ultimately, whatever books you choose in this list, make sure you study your Bible first because it is always the best of the best books of all time Here’s a list of Bibles that you should have. Finally, I am an Amazon Affiliate Program participant . As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases at no additional cost to you. I would highly appreciate it if you buy books through my site . Thank you!

Dr. Gary Chapman is a well-known marriage counselor in the United States. He is also a speaker and author who have written tens of books, which include his most popular book, “The Five Love Languages.

At the time of this writing, he is the director of Marriage and Family Life Consultants, Inc. Gary travels the world to give seminars about relationships and parenting. He also gives radio talks that air on more than 400 stations.

Here’s a complete list of his books .

Here’s a quick look at the five love languages detailed in Gary Chapman’s book:

Words of Affirmation

People express their love through words of affirmation or words that express appreciation, praise, and love. 

People who have words of affirmation as their love language feel loved when you appreciate them and hear kind words from them.

Quality Time

Quality time is a love language spoken through giving your loved one your undivided attention. People who have this love language thrive not just by the amount you spend with each other, but by how you spend time together.

Physical Touch

When a person’s love language is physical touch, he/she gives love by touching people. In return, he/she feels love when receiving physical affection. 

For example, some men feel loved when they have sex. Some women love when their partner runs their hand down her/his back. Sometimes, physical touch is done through holding hands, cuddling on the couch, touching arms, hugging, or even giving a quick massage.

Acts of Service

A person who loves to serve other people is most likely a person who speaks the acts of service love language. This person likes to help in doing house chores, repairing things around the house, running errands, and whatever service they can provide.

As a result, they also feel loved when their spouse does things for them.

Receiving Gifts

Receiving gifts is a love language that makes a person feel loved when they receive gifts. It doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive. A simple handwritten letter or a handmade gift is enough for a person with this love language to feel valued and cared for.

On the other hand, people who love to receive gifts also give out gifts as a way for them to love others.

⚠️ Must read: Sometimes, it is easy to know your love language. However, this is not always the case. You can take the 30-question quiz from the official website of 5 Love Language to know your dominant love language.

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The 5 Love Languages was written by Gary Chapman in 1992. It outlines the five ways how people feel loved and express love. These five languages are acts of service, physical touch, quality time, receiving gifts, and words of affirmation.

In the book, you will read the practical applications of each love language. Mr. Chapman used real-life situations and stories to discuss concepts and convey his message.

The author theorized that the reason married couples become estranged from each other is that they don’t speak the right language.

There’s a conflict because one spouse thinks he is giving love, but the other doesn’t interpret it as love because she has a different concept of what it means to be loved.

For Mr. Chapman, married couples would become more in tune with their spouse’s needs when they know this love language, speak the right love dialect, and improve how they communicate. In a way, this is the best method of filling the emotional tank of each other.

The book has sold millions of copies since it was first published. On January 1, 2015, a revised edition was released which is what you most likely read today.

Because of the great success and popularity of the 5 Love Languages, Mr. Chapman wrote related books that are addressed to various groups:

• The Five Love Languages Military Edition
• The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace
• The Five Love Languages for Singles
• The 5 Love Languages for Men
• The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers
• The Five Love Languages of Children
• The 5 Apology Languages
• The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional

There’s a reason that the 5 Love Languages book of Gary Chapman has remained one of the top books about marriage. It has consistently topped the best book sellers list .

Here are the things that I love about the book:

Practical application

The book comes with wise and actionable insights. It doesn’t simply tell about marriage principles, highfalutin words of wisdom, relationship jargon, and theories.

When you understand the love language of your mate, a light bulb instantly sparked. You will better know how to express love and how you can become a better partner.

Easy to read and understand

The writer is no doubt a prolific author. Not only that, but I believe Mr. Chapman has a wonderful team of proofreaders and publishers who make sure that the book is written in the best way possible.

Helpful advice

I believe the best thing about this book is that what it says actually works!

When I learned that my wife’s love language is acts of service, I was amazed at how washing the dishes, taking out the trash, and sweeping the floor make her feel loved!

I told my wife that my love language is words of affirmation and because of that, she gives me more kind and encouraging words.

I believe if this worked in our relationship, then it can also work for others and that’s exactly what I also discover in other married couples. They applied the principles in this book and see a great improvement in their relationship.

⚠️ Must read: If you are looking for other books to read, check out my ultimate list of the best Christian books of all time .

Personally, I would highly recommend people to read this book and not just the married couples. The book comes with super helpful and practical tips on how to make relationships work.

Now, I went to see what others say about this book. On Amazon, it has a rating of 4.8 out of 5 stars from more than 60,500 reviewers.

So, dominantly, there are a lot of positive reviews. However, there are also those that are negative.

I think the primary reason people don’t like this book is that it is written by a Christian . I read the book and I could see that there’s a minimal Christian element in the book. Although, you can easily surmise that it is written by a Christian fellow.

With this in mind, if you don’t believe in God, then this book isn’t for it. If you don’t mind a little Christianity in the book, then I would suggest you still read it.

Moreover, some reviewers say that the book is old-fashioned and should also include non-traditional marriage settings like homosexual marriages.

Well, if that’s what they want, then they should not read this book. It is ridiculous to read a book and expect it to conform to your values and give it a negative review simply because it didn’t meet your belief.

After reading the book, there are a lot of things I have learned. However, I would just like to share this lesson, which I believe is something we all need to take note of.

The lesson is this:

Love is a choice.

True love isn’t simply a fuzzy and warm feeling you have inside you. Love is a choice because when the reality of marriage hits you, you will soon realize that a lot of expectations are not met.

There are times when you will not feel the “love” you used to have with your spouse. There are times as well that you will hate your spouse. Not only that, there are times when you wish you were in a different situation.

That’s why love is a CHOICE. You choose to still love your spouse even if the “feeling” isn’t there. You still choose to love even if you don’t feel like it.

Remember that marriage brings two entirely different people. They have different upbringings, personalities, and habits.

There will come a time when the two will clash. Marital misunderstanding and fights are not a question of if, but when. 

Conflicts are bound to happen.

In those moments, you will need to choose whether to still love your spouse or not.

This is what true love means.

True love demands great effort, discipline, and conscious decision. 

We may all have different love languages. We feel and express love in different ways. That’s why you must be willing to speak the love language of your spouse even if you don’t feel like it.

Because that’s what love is really about. Doing something that you might not like but you still do it anyway because it is what makes your spouse feel loved.

Love is an outgoing concern and care. It is not selfish. It always thinks about the welfare of the other person. You make decisions, not by yourself, but you make decisions together.

Now, here’s the good news. 

Because love is a choice then it means we are all capable of loving. 

We are creatures of decisions we make. Thus, we need to make sure that our decision leads to a loving and caring relationship.

We can all make that choice to love rather than to hate, to care rather than ignore, to build rather than destroy, to compliment rather than to nag, to forgive rather than to be bitter, to encourage rather than to degrade, and to help rather than to disregard.

Again, love is a choice.

The moment you say, “I don’t love her/him anymore,” that’s the time you decide not to love. It is not because you simply fell out of love, but you simply gave up. A lot of marriages end up with this statement as if they are helpless, as if they don’t have a choice, as if they can’t do anything about it anymore.

It is actually not a reason good enough to leave a marriage, but rather it is just a mere excuse. Remember that you made a commitment before God and other people that you will love each other in health and sickness, in abundance and scarcity, and in life and death.

This one thing is true: love is something you do for your spouse. It is not something you do for yourself.

Love is a choice and you can start choosing to love today.

Here are some of the best quotes worth reading:

• What good is the house, the cars, the place at the beach, or any of the rest of it if your wife doesn’t love you?
• Isolation is devastating to the human psyche. That is why solitary confinement is considered the cruelest of punishments.
• The eternality of the “in love” experience is fiction, not fact.
• The best thing we can do with the failures of the past is to let them be history… We cannot erase the past, but we can accept it as history
• Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a commitment. It is a choice to show mercy, not to hold the offense up against the offender. Forgiveness is an expression of love.
• Love doesn’t keep a score of wrongs. Love doesn’t bring up past failures. None of us is perfect. In marriage, we do not always do the best or right thing.
• Love makes requests not demands…. however, you make demands, you have become not a lover but a tyrant.
• Many of us are trained to analyze problems and create solutions. We forget that marriage is a relationship, not a project to be completed or a problem to solve.
• Gifts are visual symbols of love.
• We are creatures of choice… Love is a choice and cannot be coerced.
• With empty love tanks, couples tend to argue and withdraw, and some may tend to be violent verbally or physically in their arguments. But when the love tank is full, we create a climate of friendliness, a climate that seeks to understand, that is willing to allow differences, and to negotiate problems.

⚠️ Must read: You can read more inspiring quotes in my post entitled, “ The Best Christian Quotes of All Time. “

There you have it, friends, my book review and a summary of the book, The Five Love Languages. I highly recommend you read this book if you wish you learn how to make relationships work. Single or married, you will surely benefit from this book.

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The 5 Love Languages Summary 📖 4 Rules, Tricks & Strategies The 5 Love Languages Summary 📕 4 lessons that changed my life--> The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman: 4 key takeaways --> The 5 Love Languages Summary: 4 best lessons from Gary Chapman --> The 5 Love Languages Summary: 4 Life-Changing Tips For Stronger Relationships--> The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman - Summary (2024) --> The 5 Love Languages Summary: 4 Best Lessons from Gary Chapman -->

What is The 5 Love Languages about?

What are the key takeaways?

1. Personalize Your Love: Chapman discovered that everyone feels loved in 1 of 5 different ways

• 2. Understand Your Partner: To find someone's preferred type of love, just look at their actions
• 3. Choose to Love: After the emotional high of "falling in love," we must make an effort to love

4. Communicate Your Needs: Love must be given freely, based on requests and not demands

Is The 5 Love Languages worth reading?

The 5 Love Languages is rated 4.8 on Amazon and 4.3 on Goodreads .

Positive reviews say: Many said it's a very practical guide that helped them better understand their partner and make their relationship more joyful.

Criticism: Some didn't like that parts of the book were religious and traditional. Also, the main ideas are not based on scientific evidence.

Over 17 million people have bought this book—The 5 Love Languages! But if you think about it, that’s really no surprise. Because when it comes to relationships, almost ALL of us have burning questions like:

• How can I keep my partner feeling loved?
• How can I make our relationship feel more secure?
• How can our marriage remain as joyful as it was in the beginning?

Many books have been written on love and romance—but the problem is, their advice was usually “one-size-fits-all.” The 5 Love Languages is different because it says the secret to making love last is to truly understand our partner and personalize the way we express our love to them. I think most people will finish this book with at least two VERY useful ideas about how to better connect with their partner! So let’s begin!

Who is Gary Chapman?

Gary Chapman (official website) is a marriage counsellor and pastor with over 40 years of experience. He’s also a bestselling author, with a radio show that is broadcast nationally on relationship advice. And he’s been married to his wife for over 45 years.

Over his long career in marriage counselling, after talking to hundreds of couples struggling with relationship difficulties, Gary Chapman had a stunning idea. That idea is that everybody has a different way they feel loved.

So if we want to show someone love, then we must learn what their personal “Love Language” is. (And if we want to feel loved, then we must communicate what our own “Love Language” is to our partner too!)

There are 5 of these languages:

• Words. This means speaking verbal words of praise, appreciation, encouragement, compliments, etc. An important part is using a kind and gentle tone of voice. ( Here’s a great list of 100 compliments to give you some ideas, from Happier.com)
• Time. This means providing our undivided attention, listening actively, with eye contact, doing regular activities together, making an effort to know and understand them.
• Gifts. This means giving gifts, whether something purchased or handmade. It shows you were thinking about them, and gifts are actually part of the romantic process in every human culture.
• Service. This means doing things for them. Many of the examples in the book were of chores around the house such as cooking a meal, cleaning the dishes, etc.
• Touch. This means physical contact, anything from light touches while walking by, to holding hands, hugging, a back rub, making love, etc.

So those are the 5 Love Languages. Pretty simple, right? But don’t let the simplicity fool you! Many people who reviewed this book online said the basic idea was life-changing to them. For example, I read one woman on Amazon.com who said she had always expressed her love by providing service and doing things for others, because that is what made her feel loved. But she never stopped to think the other person may feel loved in a different way, such as by receiving gifts. And that’s why we need to discover the Love Language of ourself and others to express love effectively.

One of the most popular relationship books ever iss Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus . In it, the author John Gray echoes a similar idea by writing, “You cannot, nor should you ever try to, change your partner. That is his or her job. Your job is to change the ways you communicate, react, and respond to your partner.”

Read more in Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray

Most relationship advice assumes everybody is the same, but Gary Chapman says there are 5 different ways that people can feel loved. These 5 Love Languages are: words, time, gifts, service, and touch. To help our partner feel loved, we need to “speak” their primary Love Language.

2. Understand Your Partner: To find someone’s preferred type of love, just look at their actions

So how do you determine what someone’s primary love language is? The most important thing to remember is that it’s not rocket science! To understand how someone would like to be treated, you simply have to pay attention to their current actions and reactions:

• How do they express love? Most people tend to express love in the ways they feel loved, usually not realizing the actions may not have the same effect for others. For example, someone who feels loved through words will probably give their partner plenty of praise and compliments.
• What do they ask for? What we request most often tends to reflect our primary love language. Someone who feels loved through service may often ask their partner to do things around the house.
• What hurts them most? On the other hand, going against someone’s primary love language will hurt them especially deeply. For example, someone who feels loved through spending time together will be most hurt by someone’s absence or neglect.

So the first practical step to use this information is by finding out our own primary language of love. Begin with asking yourself: How do I show others love?

Finding out your personal love language should be fairly easy, because we are all most familiar with our own feelings! So ask yourself: How do you show others love? What do you ask for? When do you feel most hurt? Your answers will reveal your preferred type of love. And then you’ll know what to say to guide your partner in making you feel loved.

One of the most respected experts on relationships is John Gottman, a psychology researcher and professor who is famous for being able to predict divorce with 90% accuracy rate. His most popular book is called The 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work.

His first principle is that in great marriages both spouses carry a detailed mental “Love Map” of each other. This means they take the time and energy to understand their partner deeply, including their likes, dislikes, hopes, fears, etc. So when you and your partner get to know each other’s Love Languages, then you are also creating more detailed Love Maps of each other!

Learn more in Gottman’s book The 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work

Understanding someone’s Love Language, whether your own or your partner’s, is usually quite simple. Just ask these 3 questions: How do they show love to others? What do they ask for? When do they seem to feel most hurt?

3. Choose to Love: After the emotional high of “falling in love,” we must make an effort to love

When most of us “fall in love,” we’re on an incredible emotional high. Some people get married while on this high, but a couple years later that feeling seems to fade.

Chapman believes the “falling in love” feeling always fades (Healthline.com) , so if we want our relationship to remain joyful and alive, then love must transform into a voluntary choice. We choose to give our partner love, according to the way they feel loved, because we love them. And vice versa, of course.

Here are a few pointers:

• Keep their emotional tank filled. Imagine the people you love (spouse, kids, etc.) having an inner gas tank that gets filled when you give them their preferred type of love. It’s an emotional reserve that allows the relationship to withstand many bumps and problems. But when the tank is empty, even minor disagreements quickly spiral into major conflict. (Many self-help books share a similar idea under different names. For example, the book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People says we should imagine all of our relationships having an “Emotional Bank Account.” When we are kind, considerate and dependable, then we make “deposits” into this account, which makes the relationship stronger. Choose whichever analogy works best for you!)
• Do things that are uncomfortable. It’s rare that our primary type of love matches our partners, and that means we may feel discomfort trying to express love in a way that does not come naturally to us. Chapman’s advice here is basically to get over it, as he got over his dislike of vacuuming the house, because it’s an action that makes his wife feel very loved.
• Inspire love with kindness and goodness. What if your relationship has deteriorated to the point you both dislike each other, but you still want to save it? While you can’t control the other person, by acting towards them with love, you may sometimes inspire them to begin acting with love, too. In one story, a woman was able to save her marriage, but with great difficulty, by following the words of Jesus “Do good to those who hate you.” (BibleGateway.com)

The feeling of “falling in love” is temporary, so to make love last we must choose to love our partner based on their Love Language. Even if something does not come naturally to you, you can choose to do it because that is how your partner feels loved, and it keeps their “Emotional Tank” filled.

When we feel unloved, it’s easy to feel hurt and then attack our partner with demands, complaints and criticism.

However, many times a person may be completely ignorant to how they are making their partner feel unloved. For example, if one person feels loved through touch, they may feel that gifts are just a waste of money. And without bad intentions, they may neglect to provide their partner with the type of love they need for years!

You can and should let your partner know how you prefer to be loved. But the way to do it is not with complaints or ultimatums, but with requests.

Another book called Nonviolent Communication explains exactly the same idea of making requests, not demands. The psychologist Marshall Rosenberg says we can communicate both hurtfully and ineffectively when we use demands, telling others they should or they must or they are supposed to do something. For example, “You need to take out the garbage. I’ve already told you 3 times!”

On the other hand, we can speak with compassion and effectiveness by making requests in our relationships. Requests acknowledge the other person has a choice in whether to fulfill our desire or not. We will not punish them for not complying. But our request communicates a way they can express their love to us. For example, saying one time “Can you take out the garbage for me?” or “I’d really appreciate if you took out the garbage.”

Learn more in our summary of Nonviolent Communication

To get our needs for love met, we should tell our partner what makes us feel loved. But if we do this through complaints or demands, then we cause hurt and resentment. Instead, we can make requests, which acknowledge they have a free choice whether to fulfill our request or not.

• Write down 3 ways you have tried to show love in the past. This will give you a strong hint about your own love language, but it can also reveal why your efforts at love may have missed in the past. Perhaps you were not aware the other person’s love language was different.
• Imagine your perfect partner, then write 3 ways they would show love to you. What would they do that would make you feel absolutely loved, secure, appreciated and respected? No limits to your imagination here. You can also ask your partner this question. It comes from Chapman’s counselling stories.
• Ask your partner for 3 requests. What would they like for you to do, that would make them feel loved? This could include doing the dishes, going for a weekend trip, buying them tickets to a sports game. To bring joy back into a relationship, one partner usually needs to go first and begin speaking the other’s love language. That could be you!

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The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman: Book Summary

In this book summary of The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman , you’ll find my notes, high-level ideas, valuable lessons, and important action steps.

The 5 Love Languages Summary

Everyone will always have an emotional need for love, from childhood all the way through adulthood.

The infatuated and honeymoon love eventually runs out for all couples, no matter what. Then reality sets in and couples start to feel their relationship breakdown. They miss out on the next stage of their love, which is a choice, a way of thinking, and a discipline to love.

Some couples love each other, but they each don’t feel loved because they’re not communicating their love in the right way (language).

Love Language #1 – Words of Affirmation. Simple statements like, “You are so funny,” “You look stunning tonight,” or, “Your green eyes are gorgeous.”

Love Language #2 – Quality Time. This means to give your full, 100%, undivided attention on the other person and talk to them. Doesn’t fill someone’s love tank if you’re multi-tasking on your phone or watching tv.

Love Language #3 – Receiving Gifts. Some people are naturally tuned to appreciate symbols of love more than anything else. It doesn’t have to be expensive, just thoughtful.

Love Language #4 – Acts of Service. This comes down to doing the things your spouse or significant other would want you to do. By serving them in whatever capacity, they will feel super loved.

Love Language #5 – Physical Touch. Touching and loving on some people will give them more security and feelings of love in the relationship than anything else you can do for them. Do random touches throughout the day, like holding their hand or a big hug, and they’ll love it.

Discovering your significant other’s love language is key to a successful relationship—and you need to know yours too, so you can relay the information to them.

Love is a daily choice, not always a feeling. Loving feelings sometimes aren’t there, but you can still decide to be loving. Keep practicing it, even when it’s uncomfortable or doesn’t feel natural.

Your fundamental needs are for security, self-worth, and significance, which love affects all three. Life’s better when you give and receive love.

Mini Summary

Lasting love comes down to choosing to love your significant other. Because the magical feeling of falling in love and doesn’t last as long as you think.

Each individual has a unique love language—words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, or physical touch—that best fills their love tank. If you don’t understand how they best feel loved, then you’re probably going to end up in a struggling relationship where you both feel unloved.

Expressing love in the relationships most important to you takes thoughtfulness and hard work, yet it’s beyond worth it.

Three Favorite Quotes

“People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need.”

“Encouragement requires empathy and seeing the world from your spouse’s perspective. We must first learn what is important to our spouse. Only then can we give encouragement. With verbal encouragement, we are trying to communicate, “I know. I care. I am with you. How can I help?” We are trying to show that we believe in him and in his abilities. We are giving credit and praise.”

“Real love” – “This kind of love is emotional in nature but not obsessional. It is a love that unites reason and emotion. It involves an act of the will and requires discipline, and it recognizes the need for personal growth.”

Action Steps For You

Pay close attention to how you’re nurturing your relationships, especially your love life.

It doesn’t make sense to keep trying to express love to your significant other by words of affirmation if they think talk is cheap, and their strongest love language is acts of service. You could be loving them at a 20% instead of 100% because of ignorance or lack of effort.

And recognize just because you have one love language, theirs could be completely different. Invest the time and energy to learn the ins and outs of their love language and your relationship will thrive like never before.

So first find their love language. And then give the extra thought to love them in their favorite way.

If you don’t know what their love language is, simply ask them. Or, if they don’t know, have them take the free test .

Gary Chapman is mainly talking about romantic relationships, but I believe these love languages are important in all of your relationships.

For example, if you visit your mom who appreciates kind words more than anything else, shower her with praise. Tell her how great of a cook she is. Bring up an old memory when she saved the day. She’ll feel amazing all because of your words of encouragement, which won’t take much effort.

A huge part of success is having healthy relationships around you. Because you have to admit that success doesn’t mean as much if you have no one to share it with.

So pay close attention to how you can love your significant other, and the people around you, better. You’ll feel remarkably happier as a byproduct of making others happy.

Order The 5 Love Languages

Buy this book.

Or check out other book recommendations to become more successful.

Brian Robben

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Book Summary: The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Table of Contents

The Book in Three Sentences

In this book summary of The 5 Love Languages , you’ll learn why falling in love is easy but staying in love is challenging. So as a solution to this problem, the author suggests finding out your spouse’s love language to start speaking it as soon as possible. Once you do, he or she will reciprocate and you’ll have a happier marriage.

The Five Love Languages Summary

Chapter one: what happens to love after the wedding.

Most couples start facing problems as soon as they get married. To solve them, we have to learn our spouse’s primary love language. People speak different love languages: we have a primary love language (which the author compares to our native language) and a secondary language we pick up later in life. To communicate effectively, you and your partner must speak the same language. There are five emotional love languages.

Chapter Two: Keeping the Love Tank Full

Love is important but confusing. It’s essential to emotional health. Mankind exists to be intimate and loved. Marriage exists to achieve intimacy and love. It is said that people who have serious emotional issues behave in strange and hurtful ways because their love tank is empty. The author says that in order for a couple to be happy, both members need their love tanks full.

Chapter Three: Falling in Love

Most people get married in their “in love” phase. We feel euphoric and emotionally obsessed with the other person in a way that he or she seems perfect. This phase lasts as long as two years. Early in the relationship, we’re unrealistic and we share an illusion of intimacy that eventually disintegrates. Some people argue that this isn’t real love, since falling in love is not a conscious decision, it’s an effortless act. During the “in love” experience, someone isn’t really interested in their personal growth and the personal growth of the other person. This state makes us believe that we’re complete, happy, and fulfilled. A lot of people get married in this phase and when it’s over, they feel that they have two options: resign to a life of misery or divorce. There’s a third option though, recognize that experience as a temporary emotional state and pursue “true love” instead, the kind of love that’s natural and not based on obsession. Real love requires discipline and recognizes that we need personal growth.

Being in love is driven by instinct, but true love is about being kind and generous.

Chapter Four: Love Language #1: Words of Affirmation

One way to express love is by using words. These words can be compliments or words of appreciation and they motivate the other person to reciprocate. Another way to express words of affirmation is by using encouraging words. This is when our spouse does something in an area where he or she is insecure. By using kind words, you can inspire your spouse to do great things. Don’t preach and don’t pressure, encourage instead. Encouragement is about empathy, so learn what the other person cares about.

To communicate love verbally, we have to use kind words. Use the right tone and attitude when doing so. To develop an intimate relationship, you need to know what the other person wants. Avoid bringing up the failures of the past at all costs. To forgive is to commit oneself. Forgiving is expressing love too.

In a marriage, both people are equal, so don’t be demanding. Make your needs and desires a request. If you request, you give worth to the other person. If you demand, you become a tyrant.

Chapter Five: Love Language #2: Quality Time

When someone wants your attention, what they really want is to spend quality time with you. To spend quality time with someone, give them your undivided attention, talk, look at each other, and listen. One of the main aspects of quality time is togetherness and it doesn’t refer to proximity, but to focused attention. Quality time has different dialects and one of them is to engage in quality conversation, a moment where people share their experiences, thoughts, feeling, and desires in a friendly environment.

When engaging in quality conversation, don’t analyze the other person’s problems and come up with potential solutions. A relationship isn’t a problem to solve. Listen to the other person, be sympathetic to his or her issues, and only provide advice when requested.

To really listen:

• Maintain eye contact
• Don’t listen and do something else
• Listen for feelings
• Observe body language
• Refuse to interrupt

Our personality reflects the way in which we talk. The author identifies two personality types: the “Dead Sea” receives but doesn’t give, and they are happy not to talk. The other type is the “Babbling Brook”, who expresses whatever they feel or see. When a “Dead Sea” meets a “Babbling Brook”, they have a great time together, but over time, problems appear, so they have to learn new patterns. One way to engage in conversation often is by sharing your day regardless of which type of personality you have.

You can also spend quality time on quality activities. The purpose is to experience something together, such as gardening, shopping, listening to music, picnicking, taking walks, and so on. 

To do a quality activity:

• At least one person should want to do it
• The other should be willing to do it
• They both know why they’re doing it

Chapter Six: Love Language #3: Receiving Gifts

Giving gifts as part of the love marriage process is part of most cultures. A gift is a symbol of someone’s love. What’s important isn’t the money it costs, but the fact that the person who bought it was thinking about you. This is one of the easiest love languages to learn because you can buy, find or make gifts. If receiving gifts is the other person’s primary love language, spending money on them is an investment. You can also give someone the gift of self which means being there for them when they need you. When you need the presence of the other person, verbalize it.

Chapter Seven: Love Language #4: Acts of Service

Acts of service mean doing things you know your spouse would like you to do. Remember that requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love.

Chapter Eight: Love Language #5: Physical Touch

Holding hands, embracing, and having sex are ways of communicating emotional love. Sex is one dialect in the love language of physical touch. There are explicit love touches (such as hugging and kissing) and implicit love touches (such as sitting close). Every society has a greeting that involves physical touch. There are, of course, appropriate ways and inappropriate ways to touch someone else.

Chapter Nine: Discovering Your Primary Love Language

Sex and physical touch aren’t as related as you might think. Men need sex physically, but women need sex emotionally. Women want to feel loved, admired, and appreciated.

To find out your love language, think about the things your spouse says that really hurt.

Chapter Ten: Love Is a Choice

Everything you do is a choice, including the words you use. The “in love experience” is instinctive. It happens and it’s short-lived. It meets, momentarily, our need for love. It’s euphoric and it fills our love tank quickly. Real love is something you do for someone else, not something you do for yourself.

Chapter Eleven: Love Makes the Difference

When you feel loved, you feel secure. You can meet someone completely different than you and still live in harmony. Emotional love can be reborn in a marriage, you just have to learn the primary love language of your spouse and speak it.

Chapter Twelve: Loving the Unlovely

Even when you’re having serious marital problems, you can learn the love language of your spouse, speak it, and over time, he or she will reciprocate. When your love tank is low, you experience emptiness and pain.

Chapter Thirteen: Children and Love Languages

Love languages also apply to children. Expose a child to all five love languages as early as possible and you’ll learn their primary love language.

Chapter Fourteen: A Personal Word

The author closes the final chapter of the book with a series of questions: what do you think could happen if you learn the same love language as your spouse? What are the possibilities?

Further Reading

• The Seven Principes for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman

Table of Contents

The 5 Love Languages

by Gary Chapman

• Relationships

Discover the 5 Love Languages and transform your relationships. Learn to identify and speak your partner's love language, fill their 'love tank', and navigate conflicts. Actionable tips inside. (149 characters) The meta description concisely summarizes the key concepts from the book, focusing on the benefits the reader will gain by clicking through to the page. It covers the main ideas like the five love languages, the love tank concept, and navigating conflicts, while promising actionable tips. The active voice encourages engagement, and the description accurately reflects the page's content about the book summary. At 149 characters, it fits within the recommended length for optimal display in search results.

What are the big ideas?

Five love languages.

The book introduces five unique ways people express and receive love: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, and Physical Touch. Understanding and speaking your partner's primary love language is crucial for a fulfilling relationship.

If your partner's love language is Quality Time, undistracted conversations can make them feel loved.

Love Tank Concept

The concept of an 'emotional love tank' is introduced, suggesting that everyone has a need for love to be filled. When this tank is full, people feel secure and loved; when it's empty, they feel neglected.

Regularly speaking your partner's love language helps keep their love tank full.

Discovery of Personal Love Languages

The book provides strategies for identifying one's own primary love language and that of their partner, emphasizing the importance of this awareness in maintaining a healthy relationship.

Reflecting on what actions by your partner hurt or please you most can reveal your primary love language.

Love as a Choice, Not Just a Feeling

Distinguishes between the temporary 'in love' euphoria and the choice to sustain love by consciously acting in ways that meet your partner's emotional needs.

Choosing to perform acts of service for a partner whose love language is Acts of Service, even when it doesn't come naturally.

Impact of Love Languages on Children

The book extends the love languages concept to parenting, highlighting the importance of parents identifying and speaking their child's primary love language to foster emotional well-being.

If a child's love language is Physical Touch, hugs and cuddles are important for their emotional security.

Love Languages in Times of Conflict

Emphasizes how understanding and speaking a partner's love language can transform conflicts and challenges into opportunities for deepening love and connection.

Using words of affirmation to rebuild trust after a disagreement, if that's your partner's primary love language.

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The five love languages are the key to understanding how to effectively express love to your partner. These are the five primary ways people give and receive love:

Words of Affirmation - Using words to build up and encourage your partner, such as compliments or expressions of appreciation.

Quality Time - Giving your partner your undivided attention and focus, engaging in meaningful conversations and shared experiences.

Acts of Service - Doing helpful tasks and chores to lighten your partner's load and make their life easier.

Receiving Gifts - Thoughtful, meaningful gifts that show you were thinking of your partner.

Physical Touch - Affectionate physical contact like hugs, hand-holding, or cuddling.

The key is to identify your partner's primary love language and make the effort to speak it. When you communicate love in the way your partner best receives it, your relationship will thrive. Discover each other's love languages and make a conscious effort to express love in those ways.

Here are key examples from the context that support the insight about the five love languages:

Words of Affirmation : The book discusses how verbal compliments and words of appreciation are powerful ways to express love. Examples include:

• "You look sharp in that suit."
• "Do you ever look nice in that dress! Wow!"
• "You must be the best potato cook in the world. I love these potatoes."

Quality Time : The book describes how one woman, Elizabeth, realized that her primary love language was "Quality Time" because she had repeatedly requested things like going on picnics, taking weekends away, and talking with her husband instead of watching TV.

Acts of Service : The book shares the example of Mary, who felt deeply hurt that her husband Ron did not help her with chores around the house, indicating that her primary love language was "Acts of Service."

Receiving Gifts : The book suggests that if your deepest hurt is that your spouse rarely gives you gifts, then your primary love language may be "Receiving Gifts."

Physical Touch : While not explicitly discussed in the provided context, the book introduces the five love languages, which include "Physical Touch" as one of the key ways people express and receive love.

The key insight is that understanding and speaking your partner's primary love language is crucial for a fulfilling relationship, as illustrated through these specific examples from the book.

The emotional love tank is a powerful metaphor that captures the deep human need to feel loved. Just as a car needs fuel to run, people need love to thrive emotionally. When this tank is full , people feel secure, valued, and motivated to reach their potential. But when the tank runs empty , they feel neglected, frustrated, and may even act out in misguided attempts to get their needs met.

The key insight is that maintaining a full emotional love tank is essential for a healthy, lasting relationship. This is not automatic - it requires intentional effort to learn and consistently speak your partner's primary love language . By doing so, you fill their tank and make them feel truly loved. In turn, a partner with a full love tank is more likely to be patient, generous, and emotionally available. Keeping that tank full is the foundation for a thriving marriage.

Here are key examples from the context that support the concept of the 'emotional love tank':

The metaphor of a child having an "emotional tank waiting to be filled with love" - if this tank is empty, the child will misbehave as they seek love in the wrong ways.

The story of 13-year-old Ashley, whose "love tank" was empty after her parents' divorce, leading her to seek love through a sexually transmitted disease.

The idea that adults, like children, have "love tanks" that need to be filled - when a couple's "emotional love tank" is empty, it leads to behaviors like withdrawal, harsh words, and a critical spirit.

The warning that "Understanding the five love languages and learning to speak the primary love language of your spouse may radically affect his or her behavior. People behave differently when their emotional love tanks are full."

The explanation that when a spouse's "emotional love tank is full and he feels secure in your love, the whole world looks bright and your spouse will move out to reach his highest potential in life. But when the love tank is empty and he feels used but not loved, the whole world looks dark and he will likely never reach his potential for good in the world."

The key concept is that everyone has an 'emotional love tank' that needs to be filled through their primary love language. When this tank is full, people feel secure and loved; when it's empty, they feel neglected and will seek love in unhealthy ways. Regularly speaking your partner's love language helps keep their love tank full.

The key insight is that discovering your own and your partner's primary love languages is crucial for maintaining a fulfilling, long-lasting relationship. Your primary love language is the way you most deeply experience and express love. It may be different from your partner's.

To identify your primary love language, reflect on what actions or words from your partner hurt or please you the most. The opposite of what hurts you is likely your love language. You can also consider what you most often request from your partner - that is likely your love language. Finally, examine how you naturally express love to your partner, as that may indicate your own primary love language.

Once you each know your primary love languages, you can intentionally speak those languages to one another. This allows you to effectively meet each other's emotional needs and keep your "love tanks" full. With this knowledge, you can build a stronger, more fulfilling relationship that lasts.

Key Insight: Discovery of Personal Love Languages

Examples from the Context:

Elizabeth from Maryville, Indiana realized her primary love language was "Quality Time" after reflecting on the requests she had made of her husband over the years. She had repeatedly asked him to do activities together, but he had not responded, leaving her feeling neglected and unloved.

The husband who learned from his father to express love by giving gifts, but whose primary love language was not "Receiving Gifts." This shows that how one expresses love to a spouse may not necessarily reflect their own primary love language.

The author suggests three ways to discover one's primary love language:

• Reflect on what actions by your spouse hurt you most deeply - the opposite is likely your love language.
• Consider what you have most often requested of your spouse - this is likely your love language.
• Examine how you regularly express love to your spouse - this may indicate your own love language.

The author notes that some may have difficulty identifying their primary love language if their "emotional love tank has been full for a long time" or "has been empty for so long." In these cases, he suggests reflecting back to when you first fell in love to get clues.

The key is that identifying one's own and one's partner's primary love languages is crucial for maintaining a healthy, loving relationship, as partners may naturally express love in different ways.

Love is a choice, not just a feeling. It's about consciously meeting your partner's emotional needs, even when it doesn't come naturally. The 'in love' euphoria is temporary, but sustaining love requires intentional effort.

For example, if your partner's love language is Acts of Service, you can choose to perform acts of service for them, even when you don't feel like it. This conscious choice to meet their emotional needs will keep their 'love tank' full, rather than letting it drain.

The distinction between the 'in love' feeling and the choice to love is crucial. The 'in love' experience is instinctual and short-lived. But real, lasting love is a decision you make each day to prioritize your partner's needs. When you learn to speak their love language, you can maintain emotional intimacy long after the initial infatuation fades.

Here are specific examples from the context that support the key insight that love is a choice, not just a feeling:

The context states that "Meeting my wife's need for love is a choice I make each day. If I know her primary love language and choose to speak it, her deepest emotional need will be met and she will feel secure in my love."

It contrasts the "in love experience" which is "short-lived (usually two years or less) and seems to serve for humankind the same function as the mating call of the Canada geese" with the choice to "learn the emotional love language of my spouse and speak it frequently" to keep her emotional love tank full.

The context gives the example of a husband who chooses to perform acts of service for his wife, even when it doesn't come naturally to him, because he knows that acts of service is her primary love language. This is described as "the hard work of learning to love each other without the euphoria of the in-love obsession."

The context states that "Love is a choice. And either partner can start the process today." This emphasizes that love is an intentional decision, not just a feeling.

It contrasts the "in love experience" which is "not premeditated" with the choice to "learn the emotional love language of my spouse and speak it frequently" to keep her emotional love tank full.

Key terms and concepts:

• Love languages : The five ways people experience and express love - Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Gifts, and Physical Touch.
• Emotional love tank : The metaphor used to describe a person's emotional need for love. When the tank is full, they feel secure and loved. When it's empty, they feel unloved.
• In love experience : The temporary, euphoric feeling of being "in love" that often fades over time.
• Rational, volitional love : The intentional choice to love one's spouse by learning and speaking their primary love language.

The key insight is that parents must learn to speak their child's primary love language in order to effectively meet their emotional need for love. Each child develops a unique emotional pattern and primary love language based on how their parents and others expressed love to them growing up.

If a child's primary love language is Words of Affirmation , they thrive on positive, affirming words from their parents. However, many parents shift to criticism and condemnation as the child gets older, which can be deeply damaging. Parents must continue to speak their child's love language, even as they mature.

Similarly, if a child's primary love language is Quality Time , they need their parents' undivided attention and engagement in their interests and activities. Forcing a child to participate in activities they don't enjoy, like going for walks, will not communicate love effectively.

The key is for parents to observe their children, identify their primary love language, and then intentionally speak that language. This creates an environment where the child's emotional love tank is kept full, allowing them to develop a healthy sense of self-worth and security. Recognizing and addressing a child's love language, even with older children, can transform family relationships.

Here are some key examples from the context that illustrate the impact of love languages on children:

Words of Affirmation : When children are young, parents typically give many affirming words, like "What a pretty nose, what beautiful eyes." But as the child gets older, the parents' "Words of Affirmation" can turn to words of condemnation instead of commending the child's successes.

Quality Time : Giving a child your undivided attention, like playing with them or engaging in their interests, communicates that you care and that they are important to you. One adult remembered their father never missing their high school games, showing he was interested.

Receiving Gifts : Some parents believe gifts are the best way to show love, but the child may have a different primary love language.

Physical Touch : Babies who are handled and cuddled often develop better emotionally. Teenagers may still crave physical touch, like coming up and grabbing their parent's arm.

The book emphasizes that parents must learn to speak their child's primary love language, not just their own, in order to effectively communicate love and meet the child's emotional needs. Forcing a child to engage in an activity like walking, when their love language is different, will not make them feel loved.

Understanding and speaking your partner's primary love language can transform conflicts and challenges into opportunities for deepening love and connection. If your partner's primary love language is Words of Affirmation , using sincere, positive words to rebuild trust after a disagreement can be especially powerful. For example, expressing appreciation for their efforts to resolve the conflict, or highlighting their positive qualities, can help refill their "emotional love tank" and strengthen the relationship.

Similarly, if your partner's love language is Acts of Service , doing thoughtful tasks to support them during a difficult time can communicate your love and care. Or if their language is Quality Time , setting aside uninterrupted time to listen and reconnect can be immensely meaningful. By intentionally speaking your partner's love language, even in the midst of challenges, you demonstrate your commitment to the relationship and your desire to meet their deepest emotional needs.

Ultimately, understanding and consistently speaking your partner's primary love language equips you to navigate conflicts and difficulties with empathy, patience and a spirit of unity. Rather than allowing problems to drive you apart, you can use them as opportunities to grow closer and deepen your bond. This knowledge is the "key" to a lasting, loving marriage.

Key Insight: Understanding and speaking a partner's love language can transform conflicts and challenges into opportunities for deepening love and connection.

• When Bill and Betty Jo's marriage was in shambles, the author focused on having them express verbal appreciation for the positive traits they saw in each other, even as they suspended their complaints. This helped shift the emotional climate of their relationship.
• The author suggests that when a spouse's "emotional love tank is full and he feels secure in your love, the whole world looks bright and your spouse will move out to reach his highest potential in life." However, "when the love tank is empty and he feels used but not loved, the whole world looks dark and he will likely never reach his potential for good in the world."
• The author emphasizes the power of "Words of Affirmation" as a love language, noting that "Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love." He provides examples like "You look sharp in that suit" and "I really appreciate your taking the garbage out."
• The author suggests keeping a "Words of Affirmation" notebook to collect positive statements to use in communicating love to one's spouse, even indirectly by praising them to others.

The key is that by understanding and speaking a partner's primary love language, even in times of conflict, couples can rebuild trust, deepen their emotional connection, and help each other reach their full potential.

Let's take a look at some key quotes from " The 5 Love Languages " that resonated with readers.

Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a commitment.

The quote means that forgiveness is not based on emotions, but rather a deliberate choice to let go of resentment and negative feelings towards someone who has wronged you. It's a firm decision to move past the hurt and not hold it against them, regardless of how you may feel in the moment. This commitment to forgiveness can lead to healing and a stronger relationship.

I am amazed by how many individuals mess up every new day with yesterday.

The quote suggests that many people negatively impact each new day by holding onto mistakes or issues from the past, rather than focusing on the present and making a fresh start. It encourages breaking free from past failures and approaching each day with a clean slate, to foster growth and positive change.

Encouragement requires empathy and seeing the world from your spouse's perspective. We must first learn what is important to our spouse. Only then can we give encouragement. With verbal encouragement, we are trying to communicate, "I know. I care. I am with you. How can I help?" We are trying to show that we believe in him and in his abilities. We are giving credit and praise.

The quote emphasizes the significance of encouragement in a relationship, which involves empathy, understanding, and support. To encourage effectively, one must recognize their partner's values, express care, and offer assistance. By believing in them and acknowledging their abilities, you foster a positive and motivating environment, promoting personal growth and strengthening the bond between partners.

Comprehension Questions

How well do you understand the key insights in "The 5 Love Languages"? Find out by answering the questions below. Try to answer the question yourself before revealing the answer! Mark the questions as done once you've answered them.

Action Questions

"Knowledge without application is useless," Bruce Lee said. Answer the questions below to practice applying the key insights from "The 5 Love Languages". Mark the questions as done once you've answered them.

Chapter Notes

1.  what happens to love after the wedding.

Here are the key takeaways from the chapter:

Different Love Languages : People have different "love languages" or primary ways of expressing and receiving love, just like people have different primary spoken languages. These love languages can include words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts, and physical touch.

Importance of Learning Your Spouse's Love Language : If you and your spouse have different primary love languages, you may struggle to effectively communicate love to each other, even if you are sincere in your efforts. Learning and speaking your spouse's primary love language is crucial for a lasting, loving marriage.

Love Can Fade After Marriage : The author's friend on the plane had been married three times, and in each case the love seemed to "evaporate" after the wedding, even though he felt he was expressing love to his wives. This suggests that love does not automatically stay alive in a marriage without effort.

Reasons Love May Fade : Potential reasons love fades after marriage include: a shift in focus from the spouse to other priorities like children, a mismatch in expectations or needs between partners, or a change in one partner's personality or behavior after the wedding.

Need to Put in Effort to Maintain Love : The author suggests that for most couples, maintaining love after marriage requires purposeful effort to learn and speak each other's love language, rather than relying on the natural feelings of love that existed before the wedding.

Universality of the Problem : The author notes that the questions his friend on the plane was asking are common ones that many married and divorced people are grappling with, suggesting this is a widespread issue.

2.  Keeping the Love Tank Full

The Need for Love is a Fundamental Human Emotional Need : The chapter emphasizes that the need to feel loved is a primary human emotional need, and that without love, life becomes unclimbable, uncrossable, and unbearable. This need for love follows us from childhood into adulthood and marriage.

The Confusion Surrounding the Meaning of Love : The chapter acknowledges the widespread use of the word "love" to describe a wide range of feelings and behaviors, which can be confusing. It notes that the purpose of the book is to focus on the type of love that is essential for emotional health.

The Concept of the "Love Tank" : The chapter introduces the metaphor of an "emotional love tank" inside every person that needs to be filled with love. When this tank is full, the person will develop normally, but when it is empty, the person will misbehave in an attempt to get their love needs met.

The Importance of Identifying and Speaking a Spouse's Primary Love Language : The chapter suggests that many marital problems arise because spouses are not speaking each other's primary love language, leaving their partner's "love tank" empty. Learning to identify and speak a spouse's primary love language can help fill their emotional love tank and improve the relationship.

The Temporary Nature of the "In Love" Experience : The chapter notes that the "in love" experience, while meeting the need for love temporarily, is inevitably a "quick fix" and has a limited and predictable life span. After this initial infatuation wears off, the fundamental need for love resurfaces.

The Desire for Intimacy and Love at the Heart of Marriage : The chapter emphasizes that at the heart of mankind's existence is the desire to be intimate and loved by another, and that marriage is designed to meet this need for intimacy and love.

3.  Falling in Love

The "In-Love" Experience : The "in-love" experience is a temporary emotional high that often leads to marriage, but it is not the same as real, lasting love. It is an obsession that causes people to overlook the flaws in their partner and believe their relationship is perfect.

Limitations of the "In-Love" Experience : The "in-love" experience typically lasts around 2 years on average. After this, the partners start to see each other's flaws and the relationship becomes more challenging. The "in-love" experience does not focus on personal growth or the growth of the partner.

Real Love vs. "In-Love" : Real love is a rational, volitional choice that requires effort and discipline. It is an emotional connection that grows out of reason and choice, not just instinct. Real love recognizes the need for personal growth and the growth of one's partner.

Emotional Love Languages : There are five primary emotional love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, and receiving gifts. Discovering and speaking your partner's primary love language can help meet their deep emotional need to feel loved.

Importance of a Full Love Tank : When a spouse's emotional love tank is full and they feel securely loved, it positively impacts their outlook and ability to reach their full potential. But when the love tank is empty, it can lead to feelings of being used rather than loved.

4.  Love Language #1: Words of Affirmation

Words of Affirmation as a Love Language : Words of affirmation are a powerful way to express love emotionally. Verbal compliments and words of appreciation can have a significant impact on the emotional climate of a marriage.

Encouraging Words : Encouraging words can help inspire courage in your spouse and motivate them to develop their potential in various areas of life. Encouragement requires empathy and understanding what is important to your spouse.

Kind Words : The manner in which we speak is crucial. Kind words, expressed with a soft and tender tone, can convey love even when communicating hurt or anger. Harsh, critical words can damage intimacy.

Humble Words : Love makes requests, not demands. Expressing desires as requests, rather than demands, affirms your spouse's worth and abilities, creating the possibility for an expression of love.

Dialects of Words of Affirmation : There are many dialects within the love language of Words of Affirmation, such as direct compliments, indirect compliments, written affirmations, and humble requests. Exploring these different dialects can help you better communicate love to your spouse.

Identifying Your Spouse's Primary Love Language : The love language of one person may not be the same as their spouse's. It's important to identify your spouse's primary love language and focus on expressing love in that language, rather than your own.

5.  Love Language #2: Quality Time

Quality Time as a Love Language : Quality time means giving someone your undivided attention, such as sitting on the couch and talking without distractions like the TV. It is a powerful way to communicate love.

Togetherness vs. Proximity : Togetherness involves focused attention, not just being in the same room. Two people can be in proximity without being truly together.

Quality Conversation : This is a dialect of quality time, involving sympathetic dialogue where two people share their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires. It requires both listening and self-revelation.

Listening Skills : To have quality conversations, one must develop listening skills like maintaining eye contact, avoiding distractions, listening for feelings, and refusing to interrupt.

Personality Types : People can be categorized as "Dead Seas" (reluctant to talk) or "Babbling Brooks" (constantly talking). Both can learn to adapt to their spouse's communication style.

Quality Activities : These are shared activities that express love through the experience of doing something together, not just the activity itself. They create a memory bank for the relationship.

Making Time for Quality Time : Scheduling quality time and activities requires intentionality and sacrifice, but is essential for a healthy marriage when one's love language is quality time.

6.  Love Language #3: Receiving Gifts

Gift Giving as a Universal Expression of Love : The chapter suggests that gift giving is a fundamental expression of love that transcends cultural barriers, as the author observed it to be a part of the love-marriage process in every culture they studied.

Gifts as Visual Symbols of Love : Gifts are described as visual symbols of love, with the wedding ring being a prime example. The presence or absence of gifts can be a powerful indicator of the state of a relationship.

Receiving Gifts as a Primary Love Language : For some individuals, receiving gifts is their primary love language, meaning that gifts are the most meaningful way for them to experience love from their partner.

Becoming a Proficient Gift Giver : The chapter provides strategies for individuals whose spouse's primary love language is receiving gifts, such as making a list of gifts their spouse has enjoyed, recruiting help from family members, and being willing to spend money on gifts.

The Gift of Presence : The chapter emphasizes that the "gift of presence" - being physically present for your spouse during important moments - can be even more powerful than material gifts for those whose primary love language is receiving gifts.

Overcoming Resistance to Spending Money on Gifts : The chapter addresses the potential emotional resistance some individuals may have to spending money on gifts, suggesting that it can be an important investment in the relationship.

Variety of Gift-Giving Options : The chapter highlights that gifts can take many forms, including purchased, found, or handmade items, and that the cost of the gift is less important than the thought and effort put into it.

7.  Love Language #4: Acts of Service

Acts of Service as a Love Language : Acts of service refer to doing things for your spouse that you know they would appreciate, in order to express your love for them. This can include a wide range of tasks like cooking, cleaning, running errands, etc.

Importance of Understanding Your Spouse's Specific Needs : Even if you and your spouse share the same primary love language of acts of service, you may have different "dialects" in terms of the specific acts that are most meaningful to each of you. It's important to understand your spouse's unique needs and preferences.

Transitioning from Courtship to Marriage : What we do to express love before marriage is often very different from what we do after marriage, as we revert to the models and expectations we learned from our families of origin. This can lead to disappointment and conflict if not addressed.

Requests vs. Demands : Expressing love through acts of service should be done through requests, not demands. Demands tend to shut down the flow of love, whereas requests allow your spouse to freely choose to meet your needs.

Criticism as a Clue to Your Spouse's Love Language : The things your spouse criticizes you most about often reveal the areas where they have the deepest emotional needs. Understanding this can help you respond more productively to their criticism.

Overcoming Stereotypes about Gender Roles : Traditional stereotypes about the roles of husbands and wives can prevent couples from effectively expressing love through acts of service. Being willing to challenge these stereotypes is important.

Practical Suggestions for Expressing Love through Acts of Service : The chapter provides several specific suggestions for how to identify and meet your spouse's needs through acts of service, such as making lists, leaving love notes, and hiring help when needed.

8.  Love Language #5: Physical Touch

Physical touch is a powerful way to communicate emotional love : Babies who receive physical touch like hugging and kissing develop healthier emotional lives. In marriage, physical touch like holding hands, kissing, and sexual intimacy are ways to communicate love.

Physical touch is the primary love language for some individuals : For people whose primary love language is physical touch, a lack of physical touch can make them feel unloved, while physical touch can fill their emotional "love tank".

Different touches communicate different levels of love : Explicit touches like back rubs or sexual foreplay communicate love more loudly than implicit touches like a brief hug or touch. Couples should learn what types of touches their spouse finds most loving.

Inappropriate touching can damage relationships : While the body is meant for touching, there are appropriate and inappropriate ways to touch, especially with members of the opposite sex. Physical abuse is always inappropriate.

Physical touch is especially important during crises : In times of crisis, physical touch like hugging can communicate love and help a spouse feel supported when words may not be enough.

Discovering and speaking your spouse's love language can transform a marriage : The couple in the story were able to turn their marriage around once they learned that physical touch was the husband's primary love language, and quality time was the wife's.

9.  Discovering Your Primary Love Language

Discovering Your Own Primary Love Language : There are three main approaches to discovering your primary love language:

• Identify what your spouse does or fails to do that hurts you most deeply, as the opposite of that is likely your primary love language.
• Reflect on what you have most often requested of your spouse, as that is likely your primary love language.
• Consider how you regularly express love to your spouse, as that may indicate your own primary love language.

Understanding the Difference Between Physical Desire and Emotional Need : For men, the desire for sexual intercourse is often physically based, stemming from the buildup of physical sexual urges. However, this physical desire is distinct from the emotional need to feel loved, which may be better met through a different primary love language.

Identifying a Spouse's Primary Love Language : If two love languages seem equally important, the individual may be "bilingual" in love languages, meaning either one can effectively communicate love. If the love tank has been full or empty for a long time, reflecting on the early days of the relationship can help identify the primary love language.

The "Tank Check" Game : This is a simple exercise where partners regularly check in on the "fullness" of each other's emotional love tanks and make suggestions for how to fill them, based on the partner's primary love language. This can help couples actively meet each other's emotional needs.

Addressing Challenges : Even if a spouse's primary love language is not naturally easy for the other partner, it is important to make the effort to speak that language, as it is essential for meeting their emotional needs and keeping their love tank full.

10.  Love Is a Choice

Love is a Choice : The chapter emphasizes that love is a choice, not just a feeling. Even when we are full of hurt, anger, and resentment, we can choose to love our spouse by speaking their love language.

Past Failures Don't Determine the Future : The chapter suggests that past poor choices do not have to define our future. We can choose to apologize, make amends, and love our spouse in their primary love language.

Distinguishing Between "In Love" and Emotional Need : The chapter differentiates between the "in love experience," which is a temporary, instinctual feeling, and the deeper emotional need to feel loved. Recognizing this difference is crucial for maintaining a lasting, fulfilling marriage.

Choosing to Speak Your Spouse's Love Language : The chapter encourages readers to identify their spouse's primary love language and choose to speak it, even if it does not come naturally. This is a powerful way to fill their emotional love tank.

Overcoming Emotional Emptiness : The chapter illustrates how a marriage on the brink of divorce can be rescued when one or both partners choose to love their spouse in their primary love language, even if it requires overcoming past hurts and resentment.

Temporary Nature of the "In Love" Experience : The chapter explains that the "in love" experience is short-lived, usually lasting around two years or less. If a spouse's emotional needs are not met during this time, their love tank can become empty, leading them to seek love elsewhere.

Importance of Counseling : The chapter suggests that seeking marriage counseling can be crucial in helping couples work through conflicts and rediscover how to love each other in their primary love languages, even after one partner has become emotionally disconnected.

11.  Love Makes the Difference

Love Interfaces with Basic Emotional Needs : The chapter explains that love interfaces with our basic emotional needs for security, self-worth, and significance. When we feel loved by our spouse, it helps fulfill these needs.

Significance and Self-Worth : Feeling loved by a spouse enhances our sense of significance and self-worth. If someone loves us, we feel we must have value and importance.

Love Creates a Climate of Security : In the context of marriage, love creates a climate of security where couples can discuss differences without condemnation and resolve conflicts.

Importance of Identifying Love Languages : The chapter highlights the importance of identifying your spouse's primary love language (e.g. quality time, acts of service) and choosing to speak that language to make love a reality in the relationship.

Reborn Love in Marriage : The chapter demonstrates that emotional love can be reborn in a marriage by learning and speaking your spouse's primary love language, even after many years of disconnect.

Norm's Primary Love Language was Acts of Service : Norm showed love to Jean by doing practical tasks for her, but this did not meet Jean's primary love language of quality time. Once Norm understood this, he was able to adjust his behavior to better meet Jean's emotional needs.

Jean's Primary Love Language was Quality Time : Jean craved quality time and conversation with Norm, which he had not been providing. Once Norm recognized this, he committed to spending 15 minutes per night talking with Jean, which transformed their relationship.

12.  Loving the Unlovely

The Emotional Tank and Love Languages : The chapter introduces the concept of the "emotional tank" - when this tank is low, we experience emptiness and pain rather than love towards our spouse. The solution is to learn and speak each other's primary love language, which can help refill the emotional tank and restore positive feelings.

Loving the Unlovely : The chapter explores the profound challenge of loving a spouse who has become an "enemy" - one who hates, curses, and mistreats you. This is based on Jesus' teaching to "love your enemies" and do good to those who hate you.

The Experiment : The chapter proposes a 6-month experiment for Ann, where she focuses on speaking her husband Glenn's primary love language (physical touch and words of affirmation) consistently, in the hope that it will eventually cause him to reciprocate love. This is based on the principle that "give, and it will be given to you."

Distinguishing Love as Feeling vs. Love as Action : The chapter differentiates between love as a feeling and love as an action. While it may be difficult to have warm feelings for someone who has hurt you, one can still choose to perform loving actions for their benefit, even if the feelings are not there.

Importance of Faith : The chapter suggests that Ann will need to heavily rely on her faith in God and the teachings of Jesus in order to be able to love her unlovely husband through this difficult experiment.

Potential for Marital Rebirth : If the experiment is successful, and the spouse starts speaking the other's love language, it can lead to the restoration of positive emotions and the "rebirth" of the marriage.

Invitation to Try the Experiment : The chapter encourages the reader to try this experiment in their own marriage, as it has the potential to bring about a "miracle" of love, even in the most difficult of circumstances.

13.  Children and Love Languages

Children have primary love languages : Like adults, children have a primary love language that they respond to most strongly, such as Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, or Physical Touch.

Observing children's behavior can reveal their love language : For example, a child who jumps into their parent's lap and messes up their hair likely has Physical Touch as their primary love language, while a child who constantly asks their parent to come see what they made likely has Quality Time as their primary love language.

Unmet emotional needs can lead to problematic behavior : If a child's primary love language is not being met by their parents, they may act out or seek love in inappropriate ways, such as through sexual misconduct in adolescence.

Parents' words can shift from affirmation to condemnation : As children get older, parents often shift from using Words of Affirmation to criticizing and condemning their children, which can be deeply damaging for a child whose primary love language is Words of Affirmation.

Giving gifts is not the same as meeting emotional needs : Buying gifts for a child does not necessarily mean you are meeting their emotional need for love, especially if their primary love language is not Receiving Gifts.

Acts of Service communicate love for some children : For children whose primary love language is Acts of Service, things like helping with homework or fixing a bike can be powerful ways to communicate love.

Physical Touch is an important love language for many children : Infants and children often feel loved through physical affection like hugging, kissing, and cuddling, and this can continue to be important even as they get older.

Parents should learn to speak their children's love language : To effectively communicate love to their children, parents need to identify and speak their children's primary love language, rather than assuming all children respond the same way.

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What Are the 5 Love Languages?

Simple ideas, lasting love—all in a short read

In this  abridged version of the  New York Times  bestseller  The 5 Love Languages ®, relationships expert Dr. Gary Chapman offers a trimmed-down explanation of his transformational approach to love.

People express and receive love in 5 different ways, called love languages: quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. The sooner you discover your language and that of your loved one, the sooner you can take your relationship to new heights. And with this summary version of the award-winning book, you don't have to read long to find out.

With disarming wit, clear explanations, and inspiring storytelling, Dr. Chapman only needs a moment of your time to transform your love life.

Customer Reviews

This book helps me along that path. Many thanks to Gary Chapman for explaining things so simply and effectively. Share this with those whom you love--it will only make the love grow that much stronger because your understanding of each other becomes that much more comprehensive! :-)

Alex G. Sung

EVERYONE should read this book if you are in a relationship!! Both men and women would be able to communicate much better in relationships if this book was a REQUIRED READING before marriage!!

This book is like no other. Helped me realized what I been doing wrong in communicating with my husband to be. And it help Him understand me better. I encourage everyone who is married or getting married to read this book and also do the workbook together. You won't regret it.

Dr. Gary Chapman

Gary Chapman, PhD, is the author of the bestselling The 5 Love Languages® series, which has sold more than 20 million worldwide and has been translated into 50 languages. Dr. Chapman travels the world presenting seminars on marriage, family, and relationships, and his radio programs air on more than 400 stations. He lives in North Carolina with his wife, Karolyn.

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Book Summary of The Five Love Languages

Understanding love: the five love languages - a comprehensive book summary.

The Five Love Languages ” is a renowned book by Dr. Gary Chapman that explores the concept of expressing love effectively in relationships. Chapman suggests that everyone has a primary love language through which they both communicate and experience love. Understanding these languages can significantly enhance communication & intimacy in relationships. In this book summary , we’ll delve into the key ideas presented by Chapman and how they can transform your relationships.

Understanding the Five Love Languages:

Chapman identifies five primary love languages: 1. Words of Affirmation 2. Acts of Service 3. Receiving Gifts 4. Quality Time 5. Physical Touch

Each person has a predominant love language, although they may appreciate expressions of love in other languages as well. Chapman emphasizes the importance of identifying not only your own love language but also that of your partner to foster deeper connections.

Managing Your Chimp:

Peters provides practical strategies for managing the chimp brain, including techniques for calming emotional impulses and challenging illogical beliefs. He emphasizes the importance of self-awareness & mindfulness in recognizing when the chimp’s brain is taking control and implementing strategies to regain rationality.

Words of Affirmation:

For individuals whose primary love language is words of affirmation, verbal expressions of love & appreciation carry significant weight. Simple compliments, expressions of gratitude, & words of encouragement are vital for them to feel loved & valued in a relationship.

Acts of Service:

Actions speak louder than words for those who react to acts of service. This love language involves doing tasks or favours for your partner to demonstrate your love & support. From simple gestures like making coffee in the morning to more significant acts like helping with chores, these actions communicate love & care profoundly.

Receiving Gifts:

Some people feel most loved when they receive gifts. These gifts don’t need to be extravagant; they could be as simple as a handwritten note, a favourite snack, or a thoughtful trinket. The key is the meaning behind the gift, showing that the giver has been thinking of them and values their happiness.

Quality Time:

Quality time is about giving your undivided attention to your spouse & Partner. This love language involves spending meaningful time together, engaging in activities, & having deep conversations. Whether it’s a romantic dinner date or a quiet evening at home, the focus is on creating shared experiences & strengthening the emotional bond.

Physical Touch:

Physical touch plays an important role in expressing love for individuals with this love language. From holding hands and hugs to kisses & intimate moments, physical affection communicates love, comfort, and security. Without it, they may feel disconnected & unloved.

Applying the Love Languages:

Chapman emphasizes the importance of speaking your partner’s love language, even if it doesn’t come naturally to you. By understanding & meeting your partner’s emotional needs, you can cultivate a stronger & more fulfilling relationship. Additionally, he highlights the significance of effective communication & empathy in navigating conflicts and resolving misunderstandings.

Conclusion:

“The Five Love Languages” offers valuable insights into the complexities of human relationships & provides practical tools for enhancing communication, intimacy, & connection. By understanding & speaking the love languages of your partner, you can create a lasting and meaningful bond built on love, respect, & mutual understanding. Take the time to discover your own love language and that of your partner, and watch as your relationship flourishes with newfound depth & closeness.

In this book summary, we’ve only scratched the cover of Chapman’s profound insights. To fully grasp the richness of his thoughts and their potential to transform your relationships, delve into “The Five Love Languages” and embark on a journey toward deeper connection & lasting love.

What Are the 5 Love Languages? Understanding Them Might Help Your Relationship

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Who hasn’t had an argument that boiled down to a partner ultimately not understanding that “words of affirmation” are essential to your sense of trust in a relationship, or that what you appreciate most, over gift-giving, is your partner doing an act of service and emptying the dishwasher for you. Even if you haven’t taken the “What is your love language?” quiz at some point, many of the concepts have real-life applications that may have shown up in your personal relationships. The phrase has been ubiquitous since Dr. Gary Chapman released his best-selling relationship book, The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts , in 2015. The first in a series that now spans 11 books, the five love languages has given people a practical way to stay connected — and stay in love by respecting and nurturing your partners’ (and friends’, and other loved ones’) love languages.

But what are the five “love languages,” exactly — and how does understanding them help our relationships ? It’s all about knowing what it takes for a person to feel loved and affirmed, Chapman tells SheKnows.

After many years of counseling couples in crisis, Chapman says, “It became apparent to me that what makes one person feel loved isn’t always the same for their spouse or partner,” he explains. “I discovered every person understands and receives love in a specific language, one of five to be precise. The other four are just as important and offer [other] ways to express love to each other.”

Dr. Tina B. Tessina, a psychotherapist and the author of Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Toda y , also sees the value of using the five love languages to demonstrate love. “Understanding your own ways of expressing love, and your partner’s, and understanding how your expressions of love are different or similar means you know when you’re loving your partner the way you want to and when you’re loving your partner in his or her favorite way,” she tells SheKnows. “You can understand better why some things work between you and others don’t . You can learn to recognize when your partner is sending you love, even if it’s not the way you’re used to.”

According to Chapman, taking the time to learn and really understand your partner’s primary love language, which is often different from your own , can improve communication and strengthen your bond.

What Are The 5 Love Languages?

But what are the five different love languages — and what do they look like in practice? Here’s what you need to know.

Words of affirmation

According to Chapman, people with this love language need to hear their partner say “I love you.” Even better: including the reasons behind the love through leaving them a voice message or a written note or talking to them directly with sincere words of kindness and affirmation.

Other examples from Tessina include saying things like: “Thank you,” “That was nice of you,” or “I appreciate what you did.” Affirming both your love and their efforts is much appreciated. 

Quality time

If quality time is your partner’s love language, it’s all about giving your partner your undivided attention and being fully present when you’re with them, says Chapman. That means no TV, no chores, no scrolling through Instagram or TikTok on your phone — just giving each other your undivided attention. Take time every day to do this.

“Spending time with your partner is about being together, paying attention to each other, sharing something meaningful together, and listening and communicating,” adds Tessina. Other examples include preparing dinner together and talking while preparing and eating it, sharing plans for the future, making love, or creating something together.

Receiving gifts

The person who loves this language is not necessarily materialistic (that’s a misnomer), but thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. 

“The thing that works best is picking the right gift that shows you understand your partner and the effort you made to express love,” says Chapman. “Think about finding a gift that your partner has been asking for or would enjoy receiving and plan for a special way of giving it; make it a surprise.”

The act of giving a gift tells your partner you cared enough to think about them in advance and go out of your way to get something to make your partner smile, says Tessina.

Acts of service

This language includes anything you do to ease the burden of responsibility, like vacuuming the floors, going grocery shopping, or sending thank-you notes. Stumped as to what your partner needs? Chapman suggests actually asking your partner to give ideas for things they’d like you to do that would make their life easier, and make a schedule to get them done. That alone, the asking, can feel like an act of service because it communicates the intention. 

Simple things like making breakfast in bed or walking the dog demonstrate you care about your partner and your life together, says Tessina. “It says you want to make your home and relationship more livable and you want to ease your partner’s burden,” she adds. To that point, simply being observant about what your partner actually does on a daily basis that makes your life together more comfortable can be a good way to figure out what acts of service you can do for them, without actually having to ask (which, let’s be honest, can be annoying!). 

Physical touch

People who speak this love language thrive on any type of physical touch and may have difficulty spending large stretches of time away from their partner or other loved ones. “Be intentional about finding ways to express your love using physical touch: giving hugs, touching their arm or hand during a conversation; offer to give a neck or back rub,” says Chapman.

According to Tessina, physical touch is the most direct way to communicate love. “As long as it’s done in an atmosphere which is loving and not oppressive, physical touch can be the most effective of the love languages. It calms, heals, and reassures,” she explains.

The bottom line is that n ot everyone expresses their love in the same way , so being aware of the different love languages can help you understand your relationship better.

A version of this story was published in January 2019.

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