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Effective Conflict Resolution for Kids: 6 Tips

Stephanie Agnew, Assistant Director of Parents Place, offers tips for resolving conflicts between children. Learn more about how our parent coaching services can help your family . 

Conflict resolution and problem solving are two of the most important skills we can teach our children. Think about it … Being able to work out a problem with a peer and come to a reasonable resolution is something that helps us in work and personal relationships throughout our lives.

Teaching kids conflict resolution strategies early on can equip them with invaluable skills for the future. Simple activities like talking through disagreements, identifying solutions together, and compromising when necessary allow children to practice resolving conflicts in a constructive way. As they grow older, these skills will translate into improved communication, anger management, and problem solving abilities. Practicing conflict resolution for kids is about more than just preventing fights—it builds critical life skills.

In this article, we will cover several key topics related to parenting young children—the importance of playtime for development, getting out into nature regularly, making mealtimes about more than just food, and teaching conflict resolution skills. As the central figures in a child’s world, parents will have a unique opportunity to lay the foundation for growth, learning, health, and happiness. By being thoughtful about how we spend time with our kids, we can have an enormously positive impact that will last a lifetime.

Understanding the Importance of Conflict Resolution for Kids

Teaching children how to resolve conflicts constructively is a fundamental life skill that will benefit them at every stage of life. By learning to communicate effectively, identify solutions, and compromise when needed, kids build empathy and cooperation. These abilities allow them to navigate social interactions, prevent fights with siblings or classmates, complete group projects at school, and eventually succeed in the workplace. Conflicts are inevitable, but when equipped with conflict resolution strategies, children can face disagreements with emotional intelligence and maturity. Skills like listening to understand another perspective, expressing needs calmly, and finding a mutually satisfactory resolution lay the groundwork for healthy relationships in childhood that last into adulthood. Whether at home, school, or eventual careers, the ability to resolve conflicts will prove invaluable again and again.

6 Tips to Teach Conflict Resolution for Kids

Here are a few tips to help you teach problem solving skills with children starting as young as three years old. Taking a little time to follow these steps will translate into much less time bickering and fighting and more time to do the fun things. Not only that, but you will be teaching skills that will last a lifetime and help your children and students be successful in the future!

Step 1—Neutralize the situation

If anyone is hysterical or has been hurt, the first thing you must do is to help them calm down and feel better. No one can problem solve when they are hurt or emotional. You may also need to remove the source of the conflict temporarily until the problem in solved. If two children are fighting over a toy for example, say I’m going to hold this while we work this out . If a child has lost control and resorted to physical aggression, he/she may need to be removed from the situation and given some time to cool off. There may also need to be a consequence for the aggression, but it is still very important to come back to solve the problem. If you don’t solve the problem the conflicts will just keep happening.

Step 2—Gather data

When both children are calm and ready to talk, listen to each of them tell you what happened from their own point of view. If a child is too young to explain well, it is fine to do some paraphrasing for them. Make sure both children feel heard by you and by each other. Don’t think about where to lay blame for the conflict, but rather how to solve the problem. Here are some helpful questions to use:

What happened? How did you feel when you…? How did you feel when your friend/sibling…?

Why did you …? What happened then?

Step 3—Define the problem

Often children have misinterpreted what their friend was trying to accomplish and it is easier to solve the problem when you all understand what really happened. State the problem acknowledging both, or all the children’s needs. Here is a suggestion for what to say:

It sounds like you wanted to … and you wanted to … What should we do so that everyone can be happy?

Step 4—Generate lots of ideas

Help the children think of as many ideas as possible. Don’t pass judgement on the feasibility of the ideas at this step. The real benefit of this step is the ability to think of alternatives. Remember to:

Write down the ideas—it makes it feel more important to the kids.

Encourage different ideas.

Focus on the children’s ideas, but if they are young, it is okay to give some suggestions.

Review the problem to help the children stay on track.

Step 5—Evaluate the ideas

Ask the children what they think might happen if they choose a specific idea or another. Let them know if you think an idea is unsafe or really inappropriate, but resist passing judgement based on your own sense of fairness. Ask the kids to think about if an idea can really work for everyone. If no ideas seem to be acceptable for everyone, talk about how to change an idea to make it more acceptable.

Step 6—Decide on an Action Plan

List all the alternatives that are being considered. Remember that we need people who are happy to compromise or even give in occasionally. If you are worried that one child is being intimidated or taken advantage of by a more strong-willed child, check in with the more accommodating child.

Say something like: Are you sure it is okay with you to do it this way? You don’t have to let him/her have it her/his way. Or Does this really work for everyone?

If all the children are really okay with a plan—even if you don’t think it is entirely fair, let it go.

Follow through to make sure the children stick to the plan. Even if it seems like they might not care anymore, check in and make sure they know that the follow through is available to them. For example, if children decide to take turns with a toy and by the time it is the second child’s turn, he/she is busy doing something else, it is still important for the first child to offer the toy. If you don’t have that follow through the kids will lose faith in the process.

Be sure to congratulate the children for solving the problem!

You may be thinking, How can I possibly do this with every single little conflict my children get into? It must take so much time and we have to keep on schedule and can’t stop everything to do this all the time!

Believe me, I realize that you can’t do this for every situation, every day, but I promise that the more you do it, the better your children will get at doing it, the faster they will resolve their conflicts, and the fewer big upsets they will have.

Conflict Resolution Activities for Kids

Interactive role-playing.

Practicing conflict resolution through role-play allows kids to apply skills in a safe environment. Have children act out disagreements they may face, like fighting over a toy, getting into an argument on the playground, or wanting to play different games:

Mom: Okay kids, today I want you to practice what to do if you both want the same toy. Aiden, you’ll be playing with the red truck when your sister Emma comes over and grabs it from you because she wants to play with it too.

Aiden (holding the toy): Vroom vroom! I love this red truck!

Emma (reaching for the truck): Give me the truck! I want to play with it!

Mom: Great job acting it out so far! Now Aiden, what would you say next to tell Emma how you feel?

Aiden (pulling truck away): Hey! I was playing with that truck first! It’s mine!

Emma: But I want to play trucks too!

Mom: Good expressing your feelings. Now try to listen and take turns or compromise.

Emma: You’ve had it for a long time. Can I have a turn in a few minutes?

Aiden: I guess you can play when I’m done driving it up the ramp. Here you can use the blue truck for now.

Emma: Okay, thanks! We can race them!

Role-playing simple scenarios helps kids practice conflict resolution step-by-step. With guidance, they learn constructive communication and compromise.

Storytelling and Discussion

Popular children’s books often provide excellent illustrations of conflict resolution that we can then discuss with kids. Stories like The Rainbow Fish , by Marcus Pfister, which centers on a fish who learns to share his shiny scales with others, or Chrysanthemum , by Kevin Henkes, about a young mouse who is bullied over her name, spark thoughtful dialogue. When reading such stories, pause and ask children open-ended questions to guide the discussion, like “Why did that make the other character sad?” or “What are some things they could have done differently?” Prompt them to reflect on the perspectives of various characters and alternatives that could have prevented the conflict altogether. Connect behaviors in the story to children’s own experiences by asking about a time they argued over a toy or felt left out at school. Discussing the conflict resolution process in books reinforces these critical skills for kids’ own interpersonal problems and builds empathy. With guidance, stories become meaningful conflict resolution lessons.

Art-Based Expression

Expressive art activities like drawing pictures and making puppets allow children to give tangible forms to complex emotions surrounding conflicts. Provide art supplies like markers, clay, and craft materials for children to design puppets or illustrate a recent argument. The creative process enables them to safely explore and externalize feelings of anger, hurt, or frustration. Display and discuss the artwork together – identifying root causes of conflicts promotes understanding. If two siblings made puppets of themselves arguing, act out alternative endings where they build bridges. Visualizing positive conflict resolution through art translates these vital skills into their real lives. With guidance, creating engaging hands-on projects opens the door to teach children constructive communication.

Conflict Resolution Skills for Kids

Effective communication.

Children need guidance practicing ‘I’ statements to express their own feelings and needs while respecting others. For example, “I felt hurt when you wouldn’t share toys with me” opens discussion better than accusing statements like “You are so selfish!” Teach active listening techniques as well, like making eye contact, summarizing the speaker’s viewpoint, and asking thoughtful questions to understand perspectives. If one child says “I want to play with the red truck right now,” the other can practice active listening by responding “So you really want a turn with that truck, let me think about a way we can both play.” 

Empathy and Understanding

Empathy, the ability to understand and share the feelings of others, is critical for constructively resolving conflicts between children.  like guided role-playing build empathy. If one child wants to draw but the other wants to paint, have them act out understanding desires on both sides, while compromising. Puppet shows, stories, and reflective drawing can similarly help them identify perspectives and emotions apart from their own. With care and practice, children realize the power of seeing conflict through another’s eyes and can apply these empathetic insights when problems inevitably arise.

Problem-Solving Strategies

When conflicts arise between children, guide them to brainstorm possible solutions before reacting. Having kids list out multiple resolution ideas side-by-side then weighing the pros and cons of each choice promotes critical thinking and reasoning skills. Useful steps include:

• Asking both sides to suggest solutions and write them down (taking turns sharing without criticism builds listening skills)
• Discussing the expected outcomes and impact of each proposed solution – will the conflict truly be resolved? Will both parties’ needs be reasonably met?
• Choosing the mutually beneficial solution that satisfies everyone involved to the greatest extent. Compromise is key.

Practicing this process of creative brainstorming, evaluating options, and reaching a “win-win” resolution equips kids with invaluable skills for managing interpersonal problems both now and later in life. With time, they can become adept mediators and level-headed solution-seekers when faced with peer conflicts.

Conclusion: Cultivating Harmony and Understanding

The ability to resolve conflicts constructively is an incredibly valuable skill that will serve children throughout their lives. By guiding kids through communication practices, role playing, discussion of teachable stories, and creative activities, we equip them to face disagreements with empathy, emotional intelligence and compromise.

Teaching conflict resolution requires patience and persistence, but will enable children to stand up for themselves while respecting others, articulate their needs and listen in return, and seek solutions rather than revenge. As we reinforce these practices through modeling, praise, and gentle correction, children build the foundation for healthy relationships in all areas of their lives.

Mastering conflict resolution leads to greater self-confidence, harmony with others, and success in pursuing their goals. For those seeking support and additional resources in this critical arena, please reach out for a child assessment consultation or parental coaching .

By regularly cultivating constructive communication and peaceful conflict resolution, we can have an enormously positive impact on children’s present and future wellbeing.

Seeking more advice handing conflicts with your child, tween, or teen ? Schedule a free consultation with our expert coaches and clinicians. 

AUTHOR: Stephanie Agnew, BA

March 08, 2024

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Are you looking for preschool conflict resolution activities that you can implement today? Do you find your preschoolers having trouble resolving conflict, arguing all the time, and constantly coming up to you upset?  Our young learners are learning so many life lessons in their preschool rooms, and conflict resolution can be a difficult skill to learn. It doesn’t have to be that hard! Like, with all skills, conflict resolution just needs to be introduced and then practiced. 

Before I jump right into the preschool conflict resolution activities, I wanted to make sure you have the perfect FREEBIE for this! The CONFLICT RESOLUTION BOOKLET will give your young learners strategies to solve common problems. The print and use freebie can be downloaded by clicking on the image below.

Why Teach Conflict Resolution in Preschool?

According to U-Gro , conflict resolution is critical to teach because it allows young children to learn how to listen and cooperate with others. It also teaches them how to communicate their thoughts and feelings, become more aware of their needs, and think creatively to solve problems. 

It can seem overwhelming at times because, for the most part, our preschoolers are only just learning to communicate their needs and wants in a productive manner and it is only through practice and repetition that they will begin to manage these difficult situations independently. To make your life a little easier here are some conflict resolution activities for you to implement. 

5 Preschool Conflict Resolution Activities:

1. introduce techniques to solve minor conflicts.

When your young learners constantly come up to you wanting help in solving their conflicts, it provides you with the opportunity to teach them the skills you have learned as an adult. Make sure all your students are on the same page. Discuss helpful and unhelpful ways to solve a conflict. 

Create a list together as a class on techniques we can use to solve conflicts. Here are my top 6. They are easy for our young learners to remember and implement on their own once practiced. 

• Play rock, paper, scissors
• Say, “Stop!” Then, explain what
• Choose a calm down technique
• Say, “Sorry”
• Speak to a grown-up
• Choose another activity

Once you have introduced each strategy, have them displayed in your room so your students can refer to it when needed. Practice these skills using the ideas below.

2. Games to Teach Conflict Resolution

The first thing you can do is to use games to teach conflict resolution in preschool . All children love games and will be more likely to remember something if we play an engaging game with the lesson. Also, playing games to reinforce concepts takes away the monotony of repetition.

Using common social scenarios you could play What Could They Do? Once you have introduced your students to the ways to solve a conflict, place a grid in the middle of your group time area. Read the scenario & the children move to the strategy they think would work best. You could even take it a step further and ask them why they think that would work best. 

Bingo is also another great way to reinforce the different conflict resolution strategies in a fun and engaging way. Place all the different strategies on a bingo card, read a scenario and the children mark off a strategy they would use to solve the conflict.

Create puppets for your students to role-play different conflicts. Puppets will allow the children to explore these concepts in a different way. They may be more comfortable sharing their thoughts and ideas using the puppets. 

3. Read Books about Conflict Resolution

Another excellent tool for teaching conflict resolution in preschool is the use of books. Our young learners are captivated by books, and I use this to my advantage! Picture books will encourage discussions around looking at different points of view, identifying the problem, and discussing possible solutions to solve the problem.

Some of my favorites are: 

• Let’s Be Enemies – This book about conflict resolution is written by Janice May Udry. You students will love listening to the story of two friends who become enemies due to unresolved conflict. 
• Our Class is a Family – Such a gorgeous book for building classroom community. Written by Shannon Olsen,  children learn that their classroom is a place where it’s safe to be themselves, it’s okay to make mistakes, and it’s important to be a friend to others. 
• Talk and Work It Out – This book focuses on how to peacefully solve problems using our words. Written by Cheri J. Meiners, It is a great book for teaching conflict resolution.
•   Enemy Pie – Written by Derek Munson, this book helps children understand more about resolving conflicts and making friends. 

4. Role Play

I love to use role-playing in the classroom , and The Early Start Group has some great information about the effectiveness of role-playing in an early childhood setting. 

Giving students examples of different common conflicts is a crucial aspect of teaching conflict resolution in preschool. I introduce the scenario, then together we decide the best course of action. We even role-play the scenarios so students can see what this resolution technique would look like in action!

Young children love acting and role-playing which provides them with a safe place to explore these conflict resolution techniques. Students may feel more comfortable seeking advice and voicing their concerns when they are role-playing. 

5. Model Conflict Resolution Techniques

Finally, when teaching conflict resolution to preschoolers modeling and making it clear how you use conflict resolution techniques in your own life. This will demonstrate to your students how you deal with difficult situations. 

Another way to model conflict resolution is to bring it to group time. For example, if the students are having conflicts around turn-taking with the new trucks, I gather the children, and we try to solve the problem together.  Discuss the issue and elicit ways we can resolve this conflict. This allows the whole class to see different ideas and ways of thinking. 

One last thing, don’t forget to involve families in what you are doing. Parents will love to hear what is working in the classroom and will appreciate knowing what strategies their children are learning. This allows families to learn the techniques and can implement them at home. 

I hope these 5 preschool conflict resolution activities have inspired you to empower your young learners to take steps to resolve conflicts independently! 

Check out these blogs posts for more friendship activities for your young learners:

• 5 Ways to Easily Fit Activities About Friendship into Your Day
• 3 Main Areas to Focus on When Teaching Friendship Skills to Preschoolers
• 7 Fun and Engaging Activities about Friendship for Preschool Classrooms

Don’t forget to download my FREEBIE to add to your conflict resolution resources! Click on the image below to grab your FREEBIE!  

[…] 5 Effective Conflict Resolution Activities that Absolutely Work […]

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Teaching kids how to deal with conflict.

Tips for building lifelong skills

Writer: Juliann Garey

Clinical Experts: Stephanie A. Lee, PsyD , Carey Werley, LCSW

What You'll Learn

• How can parents help kids deal with the big feelings that come from conflict?
• What does problem-solving look like with young kids?
• How can kids learn to communicate better?

It’s hard to solve a problem when you’re so angry you can’t think straight. That’s why helping kids learn to solve conflicts starts with helping them calm down.

First, they need to recognize their emotions. Young kids might have a hard time naming their feelings. It can help to have a feelings chart to look at. A stoplight can also work. A red light means emotions are big and they need time to cool off. A yellow light means they’re beginning to calm down. Green means they’re ready to solve the problem.

You can help your child come up with tools to calm down. They might splash some water on their face, take some deep breaths or play with a pet. When they’re ready to focus, you can help them find the source of the conflict. This can be hard for younger children. The fight may have started with a toy, but it might really be about something bigger.

Have your child pitch some solutions to their conflict. Then you can both pick out which are best. Remind them that the best option isn’t just the one that feels best. It’s also the one that gets them to their goal. It’s good to praise your child for their efforts to fix a problem, even when they don’t pan out.

Learning to say what you need in a way others understand is an important problem-solving tool. “I” statements, like “I felt sad when you didn’t sit with me,” are also a good tool. Kids can even role-play with a grownup who can give feedback. It’s good to teach these skills when your child’s not in the middle of a conflict. It’s important to model these skills for your child, too. You can walk them through how you’d solve your own problem step by step.

No one likes dealing with conflict. But no matter how hard we try to avoid them, arguments, fights and disagreements are a fact of life — for adults and for kids. And not dealing with conflicts when they arise can negatively impact relationships and lead to further interpersonal challenges down the road.

Conflict may not be pleasant, but it doesn’t have to feel catastrophic. Teaching kids practical skills to manage it in a healthy way will help them navigate everything from small squabbles (“ She took my doll!” ) to big issues ( “I don’t know if I want to be your friend anymore” ) both now and as they grow up.

Tackle feelings first

Part of what makes conflicts difficult to navigate is the way they bring out big, intense emotions that children may not have the tools to process. Before they can address the problem that caused the conflict — whether it was a fight over a toy or betrayal by friend — kids need to be able to get to a place emotionally where they can think before they act (or lash out and make things worse).

Parents can start by helping kids identify the emotions they’re having. Are they feeling anger? Frustration? Hurt? Embarrassment? Stephanie Lee , PsyD, a child psychologist, and Carey Werley , LCSW, a clinical social worker at the Child Mind Institute, recommend using visual tools to help little kids identify what they’re feeling.

• Visual feelings chart : Typically, this is a chart showing facial expressions that illustrate different emotions. “You can buy magnetized charts, which are a handy addition to the refrigerator and which help kids identify what they’re feeling,” says Werley.
• The stoplight: A visual red, yellow and green stoplight is especially helpful for little kids. “If a little kid looks at the stoplight and points to the red zone, then the feelings are so big that they’re probably not going to be able to act in a way that’s going to resolve the conflict yet,” says Werley. “Yellow means the intensity of the emotion is beginning to subside and by the time they get to green, they’re going to be able to engage in actual conflict resolution skills. It’s about helping kids to not act in a way that’s going to make the situation bigger or worse.”
• The emotion thermometer: Easily Googleable, the emotion thermometer is simply a picture of a thermometer with numbers. When conflicts come up, kids can look at the emotion thermometer to assess where they are on it. Based on the number, the child can decide whether they need to calm down before proceeding. Tweens and teens who’ve learned these techniques can simply visualize the stoplight or thermometer in their minds in order to assess their emotional state.

When emotions are still intense, it’s not the right time to problem-solve about the conflict itself. Help kids come up with a toolbox of coping skills to use if they need to calm down in the heat of the moment. This might mean splashing cold water on your face, taking some deep breaths or playing with a pet.

Pinpoint the source of the conflict

Once big emotions have cooled down, the next step is figuring out exactly what the problem is. Sometimes kids, especially younger ones, don’t have the emotional awareness to identify the original source of the conflict. They might need your help to understand why they’re fighting. For example, if your child and their friend are squabbling over a toy, the issue might be much deeper, explains Werley. “It could actually be that one of them made a new friend and the other feels left out,” she says.

Helping kids get to the root of the issue will make it easier for them to resolve what’s actually wrong. It will also give them tools to identify and talk about similar problems when they come up again. Older kids starting in grade school and middle school are more likely to have the language to identify the source of the conflict, so with a little guidance they can learn to use these skills independently going forward.

Brainstorm solutions

Once kids understand what the issue is, you can help them practice finding solutions. Little kids in particular will need a grown-up’s guidance here, but even older kids and teenagers can benefit from having someone to bounce ideas of off.

For any age, Dr. Lee suggests brainstorming several solutions then putting your heads together to pick the best one. For younger kids, she recommends a couple of ways to structure this conversation:

• Problem-solving baseball: This exercise takes kids through the processing of thinking up and evaluating possible action plans. “I have kids pitch me a problem and then we go through the bases,” Dr. Lee explains. “So, first base is what’s my problem? Second base is what are some potential options? Third base identifies the best options. And home plate is, am I safe or out? Did I pick the right one? The object is to help even very young kids start to understand what is going to get them closest to their goal.”
• The smiley face rating: Lee suggests asking your child to come up with possible conflict resolution options and then asking, “Is this behavior going to make you feel better or worse or pretty much the same?” Note the answer using a visual rating: smiley face, frowny face, neutral? “And then we look at all of our smiley ratings to help us decide which one is the best option. But also explain to them that it’s not just about how you feel, it’s about whether or not it’s going to help you to reach your goal.”

Of course, the tricky thing here is that it’s usually hard to know what the best option really is. And that’s okay! Let kids know that the goal is to make your best effort , not to solve everything perfectly right away. They might have to go back to the drawing board if their first plan doesn’t pan out — often, that’s just part of the process. “You also want to jump in and praise your child for trying those skills even if things didn’t work out as they had hoped,” says Dr. Lee. “Give them credit and then help them navigate from there. And when they do figure it out, make a big deal out of that.”

Get some perspective

Conflicts often feel enormous and immediate, which can make it hard to keep perspective on the situation. To find useful solutions, it’s important for kids to practice taking a mental step back. A few tips you can encourage kids to keep in mind include:

• Think beyond this one incident. If a close friend tells a secret you trusted them with, it’s natural to be upset. But does that really mean that the friendship is over? Encourage your child to consider the rest of their relationship with the person they’re in conflict with, and remind them that one behavior doesn’t define the entire person.
• Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. “You want to really work on acknowledging what the other person is saying,” says Werley. “even if you don’t totally understand why they’re feeling that way or don’t agree with the way that they’re describing the situation.” Imagining what the other person is feeling is a great way to help kids develop empathy. Depending on the situation, it might also make sense for your child to talk over the issue with the other person and make a point of listening actively — without interrupting. Practicing these skills can help kids resolve conflicts in the short term and become more empathetic in the long term.
• Consider the context. The time and place of the conflict will often dictate how kids respond to it, as will the nature of their relationship to the other person. In particular, Dr. Lee notes that it’s important for kids to know that conflicts with adults will often look different from conflicts with other kids. For example, a child who gets angry with a teacher during class might have to sit with those feelings until it’s possible to set up a private meeting with the teacher. Taking a step back to consider all the dynamics of a situation will set kids up to navigate the conflict more successfully.

Practice effective communication

In order to resolve a conflict, kids need to learn to communicate their feelings clearly, without lashing out or making accusations. It’s tough to practice communication skills when tensions are running high, so consider talking over these skills with kids when they’re not already in the midst of a conflict. Then, you can provide gentle reminders and guidance when things do get heated. Werley and Dr. Lee recommend the following strategies:

• Using “I” statements to name feelings. You’ve heard it before, but it’s still true: Saying something like, “I felt embarrassed when you posted that on Instagram” is usually more helpful than something like, “You posted that picture just to embarrass me!”
• Writing out talking points. “ Even if it’s just planning out a conversation in their journal, thinking through what to say ahead of time can help kids get their points across effectively,” says Werley.
• Role-playing with an adult. “Having a safe space to practice tricky conversations can be a huge help,” says Dr. Lee. You can also offer your child insight on nonverbal communication that they might not be aware of — e.g., “What you said was really kind, but I had a harder time appreciating it because you were looking at the ground.”

Model what you want to see

One of the most powerful things you can do to help your child learn conflict resolution is to show them how it’s done. When you experience a conflict of your own (especially one with your child!), put the techniques described here into practice. When appropriate, you can even talk your child through how you solved the conflict. Seeing you succeed — and make mistakes along the way! — shows kids that solving conflicts really is doable, even when it’s hard.

Frequently Asked Questions

Conflict resolution in young kids starts with helping them to calm down. First, they need to recognize their emotions. Then they might splash some water on their face, take some deep breaths or play with a pet. When they’re ready to focus, you can help them find the source of the conflict.

You can help your child with conflict resolution by pitching some solutions to their conflict. Then you can both pick out which are best. It’s also good to praise your child for their efforts to fix a problem, even when they don’t pan out.

A good conflict resolution technique for kids is learning to say what you need in a way others understand. “I” statements, like “I felt sad when you didn’t sit with me,” are also a good tool. Kids can even role-play with a grownup who can give feedback.

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Play Date Problem Solving – 6 Steps To Conflict Resolution

• February 20, 2020

Sometimes the hardest thing about having a play date is managing the, “it’s mine!” and the “no it’s mine!”. It can be hard to navigate who really had “it” first, or who really hit who. Sometimes you may find yourself saying, “you guys need to share” or “say you’re sorry”. But does that really solve the problem??? Have no fear, these 6 steps to problem solving can help you on your next play date.

Next time you come across a conflict, try out these 6 steps and watch the magic happen.

• Feelings:  Acknowledge the children’s feelings. If they are fighting over a toy, then hold let them know that you are going to hold on to that toy while you guys solve the problem together. This will put some of their emotions at ease.
• Intel:  Find out what happened, ask BOTH of them to tell you what they think the problem is. Listen carefully as each will give their own details.

• Solution Negotiation:  Let the children come up with their own solutions, ask them, “what do you think would solve this problem?” If they don’t have any ideas yet say, “do you want to hear my idea?” Negotiate the solution until BOTH parties agree! Clarify details. The children in my classroom love negotiating by setting sand timers.
• Follow-Up:  Let the children know what they just did, “you just solved the problem!” Stay near to help them follow through with their solutions. The children are more apt to follow through with the solutions because it was their solution. They helped come up with it and agreed to it.

The children start getting the hang of the 6 steps and soon start to solving their own problems It’s a beautiful thing! Any questions about conflict resolution or have a scenario you’d like feedback on comment below!

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How to Teach Preschoolers about Conflict Resolution

None of us will go through life without encountering some degree of conflict from time to time. Conflicts are a normal part of life for both adults and children. Even preschoolers will face the occasional conflict, such as minor friendship issues, disagreements, and misunderstandings at school. Building and maintaining friendships isn’t always a smooth ride for young children, and they will encounter bumps on the road from time to time. This is why it’s important for us to teach our little ones the skills needed for conflict resolution. 

One of the most important skills preschoolers can be taught is how to resolve conflicts before they escalate to a bigger problem or fight. This is crucial because this will help them maintain healthy friendships, develop social skills, and interact with others with respect and understanding. Conflict resolution skills also help young kids to effectively express their thoughts and opinions, while listening to those of others.

There’s no better time to teach conflict resolution skills to your kids than now. You can equip your child with the skills he or she will need to tackle tricky social situations with these helpful tips!

Taking a moment to calm down is a great starting point when faced with any type of conflict. This holds true for both adults and kids alike. It is best to detach from the situation first, before approaching a conflict head-on, so that we take the necessary time needed to process our thoughts and emotions. 

If possible, try to separate your child from the situation for a bit so that he or she can take a breather. Take your little one for a walk or to a cozy spot. The goal here is to give children time to take deep breaths, reflect, and clear their minds so they can figure out exactly what is making them upset.  

Figure out what’s wrong

Once your little one has calmed down, you can begin to find out more about what went wrong. Be sure to listen to your child objectively without any prejudice. Ensure that your child feels comfortable to share honestly about what happened, and how he or she feels about it. This conversation should never make a child feel blamed or judged for his or her actions, because the goal is to address the conflict.

Encourage listening

Effective communication is key when it comes to resolving conflicts, and listening is an important skill needed for effective communication. It’s important for young kids to learn the importance of respectfully discussing their thoughts and feelings. At the same time, they also need to learn how to listen to what their peers have to say. This may be challenging, especially when a child is upset, but this is why it’s important to approach conflict resolution after a child has had some time to calm down and is ready to address the conflict.

Teach empathy

Another important thing preschoolers need to learn about when resolving conflicts is empathy. When they begin to open their minds to understanding each other’s points of view and feelings, and learn how to put themselves in another person’s shoes, it will be easier to bridge the gap between them. This helps pave the way for an apology, and hopefully alleviate any lingering negative feelings.

To teach empathy, children should be encouraged to put themselves in the place of the other child. You can ask questions such as, “How would you feel if it was your toy that was destroyed?” or, “How would you react if it was your food that was spilled on the floor?” Whether or not they are at fault, young kids need to learn how to be considerate of other people’s feelings, and take responsibility for their own actions in each situation. 

Find solutions together

As parents, we may be tempted to suggest solutions that we think are best to fix the problem. However, it’s highly recommended to involve children in formulating solutions to their own conflicts . Not only is this a good way to help develop their problem-solving skills. This will also teach them the value of accountability and responsibility. 

A solution doesn’t have to be complicated. The important thing is that each solution is fair and mutually beneficial to everyone involved. 

Conflict is an inevitable part of life for children and adults. No matter how much we may try to protect our kids, they will experience conflict at some point or another. The best thing we can do is give our children a solid foundation of conflict resolution skills to help them as they learn to navigate and maintain healthy and meaningful friendships. 

Here at The Pillars Christian Learning Center , an important aspect of our curriculum is helping young kids develop their social skills. Visit us to learn more!

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Teaching Conflict Resolution Skills in 6 Easy Steps  

Resolving conflicts is a necessary skill for students to learn and we can begin expecting independence in elementary. Sometimes, when you feel like you are lining up 20 kittens rather than 20 students, there isn't a lot of time to resolve every student conflict.

When we do get involved past the demand for an apology, we often do the heavy lifting for students. They go through the motions, but they don't learn the skill or why it's important. The likelihood they are going to start independently and effectively resolving conflicts with peers is pretty much zilch.

I use 6 steps to turn each conflict into a teachable moment that actually requires me to teach less each time. These six steps are straightforward, but also have mini-skills embedded in each one. Students will struggle with a certain step if they don't have the necessary skills to complete it independently. Notice where students are struggling in the steps and integrate activities and read alouds to target these key skills.

STEP 1: COOL OFF

The very first step is to have the student or students calm down. This sounds obvious, but very often we rush past this step and engage a student in problem-solving before they are ready. You can always schedule a time for later in the day for students to complete the rest of the steps.

If students are struggling to do this step independently, try a lesson on coping strategies. Let students learn about different ones and find ones that work for them.

For younger students, deep breaths are a great place to start. Jazz it up with different names, such as Belly Breaths or Flower Breaths. Conscious Discipline has great visuals for these (free membership area).

STEP 2: SHARE, LISTEN, CHECK

This step requires students to listen, check they understood, and share their perspective. Needless to say, this can be the most challenging step and it will likely require more of your support for longer before students are independent.

When it is their turn to listen and check, students need to work on reflective listening and paraphrasing. To encourage, and guarantee, that students are truly listening and trying to understand the other student's perspective, they will paraphrase what the other student said. It is helpful to provide them with sentence frames such as:

"I think I heard you say you feel ..." or "So you want me to try to ...".

When it is the student's turn to share their perspective, it is really helpful to have them use an I-Message to communicate in a way that is respectful but assertive.

"I feel sad when you don't let me play because I am alone."

Consider adding in lessons around I-messages and assertive communication to help your students talk about their feelings and perspectives in a way that is easy to hear and act on.

STEP 3: TAKE RESPONSIBILITY

Once students have shared their perspective about the conflict, they need to take responsibility for their actions. In many instances, students each have some part of the responsibility, even if not equal. I prompt students to think about what they could have done differently.

For example, Lily might be angry because Juan was playing with Kori and not her at recess. Juan doesn't have to play with Lily all the time, so Lily could take responsibility that it isn't fair for her to expect that Juan always plays with her. Juan could take responsibility that he could have nicely told Lily he wanted to play with Kori today or found a way to play with both Kori and Lily.

A good prompting question to ask students is "Could you have done something differently to change what happened?"

STEP 4: BRAINSTORM SOLUTIONS

Given what the students heard from each other and the responsibility they took, the now need to brainstorm solutions that are agreeable. I emphasize thinking of solutions that are win-win for everyone. I preview what a compromise might look like and how they both get something from this. I make sure to check students who are only suggesting solutions that mostly benefit them.

It can be helpful to start the discussion with some suggestions, but it is best if this really comes from the students.

STEP 5: CHOOSE A SOLUTION

At this point, the conflict should feel like it is nearing a close. Students have expressed themselves, felt heard, taken responsibility, and brainstormed good solutions.

Next students cross off solutions that are not ok to both of them. They also cross off solutions that won’t prevent future problems. I like them to imagine when this happens again, do you think this solution will work? Finally, I ask them to choose the solution together they think will be the most successful. Find the win-win.

STEP 6: AFFIRM, FORGIVE, THANK

You could stop things at step 5 depending on the situation, but I like to conclude by giving students the option to affirm, forgive, or thank. I don't demand that they apologize because sometimes they aren't ready and/or the situation doesn't need it. 

Affirm . This focuses on acknowledging what happened and encouraging their partner.

They can say I understand why you were upset and I will follow through with our plan.

Forgive . If it makes sense, the students can forgive someone if they have apologized or taken responsibility for something specific.

Thank you for your apology. I forgive you.

Thank . The student can acknowledge the time and effort it takes resolving conflicts.

Thank you for working on this with me.

As I said at the beginning, there are a lot of skills involved in resolving conflicts. To improve independence, introduce lessons on coping skills, active listening, assertive communication, problem-solving, and empathy.

Do you have a school-wide social-emotional learning or character education curriculum? Often, these curriculums focus on these skills and can be easily supplemented with materials you create and children's books.

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nice I like it

Wow! this is really inspiring and this helped my kids out a ton!

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im a student and i find this helpful

this is helpful but i don’t think my students understand. They said they are having a hard time understanding.

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7 Ways to Teach Kids to Manage Their Own Conflicts

Strengthening students’ capacity to evaluate their problems and consider a number of solutions leads to better, less impulsive conflict resolution.

Whether it’s a dispute over who is out during a heated game on the playground or a deeper clash of values or personalities, any educator knows that conflict between students is normal inside and outside of the classroom.

Assisting students in resolving conflicts with peers is an important aspect of classroom management—but solving the problem for students, rather than assisting students in resolving problems on their own, can prevent the development of vital conflict-resolution and problem-solving skills.

Equipping children with these skills as early as possible is crucial and key to their interpersonal success moving forward, explains Carolyn Coffey, a preschool teacher at Educare New Orleans.

“We’re teaching them the right way to respond to conflicts, to use self-control and calm themselves,” she says. “If we wait until they get to fourth grade or even middle school, they’ve already learned in practice what they’re going to do in order to resolve something… and it might not be the best way.”

Many teachers like Coffey have found creative ways to help students identify big emotions, self-regulate, and resolve interpersonal conflicts on their own. We asked educators to share what these activities look like in their classrooms.

1. How big is my problem? : To help children understand the different sizes of problems they may encounter, including how to assess conflicts with other children, teachers at Lister Elementary School in Tacoma, Washington, have students think proportionally about their emotions.

Students actively discuss the kinds of issues they face and also fill out a big versus little problems worksheet using real-life examples. Different types of problems are written down on pieces of paper—from losing your homework to a relative being in the hospital—and students place them into categories based on the size.

“We talked about the different sizes of problems, going from one being the smallest up to five being something that’s major that affects lots of people and takes a long time to solve,” says fourth-grade teacher Anna Parker. “If I start throwing things and screaming because someone took my pencil, that is an unexpected behavior based on the size of that problem.”

2. A pathway to peace : At elementary schools in the Modesto City School District, students can utilize a six-step Peace Path to navigate their own conflicts. The actual path is generally spray-painted or hand-painted onto an asphalt concrete surface with markings for where each student can place their feet. While standing across from each other on opposite sides of the path, students progress through the path answering a sequence of questions aloud: What is the problem? How do you feel? How do you think the other party feels? Collaboratively, with adult supervision, students discuss solutions and agree on a plan to move forward amicably.

“At the elementary level, problems can exist anywhere,” says Associate Superintendent of Student Support Services Mark Herbst. “In situations where [students] need to engage in problem-solving, they will go to the Peace Path, and in some cases—depending on the students and [their familiarity] with the process—they’re asked to do it independently.”

3. Pros and cons, 2.0 : Bolstering students’ ability to assess their options and examine a range of alternatives—and possible consequences—leads to better, less impulsive choices while navigating conflicts.

Filling out a decision matrix helps students model empathic thinking, providing them with a framework to think about the costs and benefits of their behavior. “Students can weigh options and evaluate the impact (pros and cons) on themselves and others using a simple point system, with positive numbers for pros and negative ones for cons,” educational coach Jorge Valenzuela explains.

For example: a student may face a decision about teasing a classmate, determining whether to be an ally to the victim or participate in the bullying. If the student can’t see any positive outcomes to a course of action, it receives zero points. The student then looks at possible negative outcomes for the action—like hurt feelings or punitive consequences for anyone involved—and subtracts one point for each.

“After tallying their numbers, the decision with the highest score can be deemed the most responsible one,” Valenzuela says. While an actual decision matrix is not always handy when on the playground, the method, once learned, can be quickly used to assess the options in a potential conflict.

4. Turning problems into opportunities : At the beginning of class, eighth-grade English teacher Cathleen Beachboard has her students write down a problem or issue they are having on a sticky note. While the strategy can be used for any type of issue—academic or interpersonal—it’s applicable to conflict management as well. After being paired with a classmate, each student has one minute to talk about their problem, and their assigned partner can make suggestions on how to solve it.

Students participate in this activity every three to four weeks to help relieve their stress and practice problem-solving. Beachboard says it also shows students that she cares about their well-being and “allows students to see that sometimes you have to go to others with problems for a new perspective.”

5. Practicing conflict : Engaging students with hypothetical conflict scenarios or group role-playing provides them with an opportunity to practice their response to real-life conflict. They can weigh the benefits and drawbacks of each option before they make a choice, says English teacher Sean Cooke, and do so in a low-stakes environment. An additional benefit: Students gain an appreciation for the opinions of their peers and are pushed to be more creative in determining how to best solve a problem they may face.

“By seeing others model thinking that differs from their own but that leads to a solution which satisfies their own interests, students learn to accept that there is more than one way to skin a cat, so to speak,” he says.

6. A shift in perspective : Educator Neil Finney asks, “if you were me (the teacher), how would you handle this?” to facilitate conversations between students that, he says, produce longer-lasting resolutions to conflicts.

“Seeing the issue from an outside perspective, in this case through the eyes of the teacher, can allow the student to temporarily disassociate from her own behavior choice,” he says.

Asking students to talk through the thinking of another—a practice called scripted empathy — may result in an awkward silence at first, but Finney counsels patience, suggesting that teachers wait at least 10 seconds for students to process the question, employ their empathy, and construct a response.

7. A little help from my friends : At Mid-Pacific Elementary School in Hawaii, fifth-grade students are trained in the art of peer mediation . Then, as part of the Peace Team, they’re available to help third- and fourth-graders mediate problems that arise on the school campus. If a member of the Peace Team sees a potential conflict, they will approach the students and ask if they’d like to go to peer mediation. Students can also request peer mediation as long as all parties are willing to engage.

Students are escorted to a quiet area on campus set aside for these conversations, and under adult supervision the resolution process begins. This can sometimes take a few minutes or spread out over the course of several days, depending on the conflict, says Principal Edna Hussey. Two students arguing over an “unfair call” in a playground game of Four Square, for example, could agree that a redo would be a simple solution.

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Conflict Resolution for Kids: How to Do It and What to Say

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In this blog, I’m going to answer some specific questions I’ve received from parents about conflict resolution.

What should you do when there is conflict between siblings during play?

The first question I received was from a mom who has a 3-year-old and a 1-year-old. She said she often finds the 3-year-old will bring toys up to the counters or the tables because their play is interrupted by the 1-year-old who wants to join in. But the 1-year-old doesn’t know how to and ends up interrupting the 3-year-old’s play. 

This is a common situation. 

I had this happen many times between my two kiddos. They’re 15 months apart, but for a while, Jayla, the youngest one, would come in and interrupt her sister Jaliyah’s play.

It’s okay for them to go to other places like counters and tables so that they can play more in-depth. We want to provide our children with plenty of opportunities to dive into their play because we understand that play is their form of work and their highest form of learning. 

So when it’s constantly being interrupted, then essentially their learning is being interrupted. Give permission to your 3-year-old to play on their own and get their own space so their play is not interrupted. 

The other thing is that you can also help your 3-year-old learn some assertiveness and some communication with the 1-year-old. It may not always work at this phase for the 1-year-old, but you can begin to give them words to use.

So, for example, if they’re working on a tower and the 1-year-old is about to come and knock it over, and the 3-year-old is saying, “No, no, no.” You can say something like…

• “I hear you saying no.”
• “What do you want him to stop doing?”
• “Oh, you don’t want him to knock over your tower.”
• “So instead of saying, ‘No,’ say to your brother, ‘Please don’t knock over my tower.’”

It’s important to give our children the language they need to communicate with others about what they need and what their wishes are. 

This will help the 3-year-old learn how to set boundaries and express their needs and their wants. And it will help teach the younger sibling as well too.

Of course, this won’t always work. But it’s important to teach them the language to speak up for themselves. 

Children can begin the process of conflict resolution around 2. But your child will need a lot of your help. They’ll need you to give them a lot of the words on what to say in the beginning.

This is a skill your child needs to thrive in school and in other settings where they need to speak up for themselves, hear what others have to say, and then come up with a solution that hopefully works for everybody. 

What should you do when there is conflict from when a child uses a toy to hurt?

Another question I received was from a mom who has a 15-month-old, and she wanted to know what to do when they become aggressive with the toys. I’m assuming it’s something like throwing the toy or hitting somebody else with a toy or something of that nature.

So around 15 months, much of the discipline and limit setting is going to be through our guidance because their comprehension and language are not as developed as older kids . Plus, they’re not able on a cognitive level to resolve conflict. So you’re going to want to guide them through that. For example…

• Give your child a very specific instruction , like, “Please keep the toy in your hand” or “Please, use the toy this way” and show them how to use the toy. 
• Give them another toy that’s more appropriate. If your child is throwing a toy, you can give them a soft ball to throw, or you can invite them to go outside and throw or bang stuff around. But you want to give them an avenue to express themself or to do that behavior in a safer way.

If it’s a situation where you’re not able to provide a different or an alternative solution and you need them to stop, your best solution is to say something like, “I’m going to help you.” Then you can either guide their behavior or remove the toy and explain to them it’s not appropriate. 

Now if they’re hitting somebody with a toy, of course, you’re going to want to intervene. And you can say something like, “Oh, I’m going to help you. I can’t let you hurt. Toys are not for hurting.” And then you’ll want to put your hands out, put your body in between, and help redirect their behavior.

How do you comment instead of intervening during conflict between children?

Another question I received was about how to be comfortable commenting versus intervening during conflict. 

I love this question because it already shows you’re mindful of the fact that more and more you want to take a step back and let your children work through the conflict because you understand conflict is normal. Throughout the day, you and your children will get plenty of opportunities to practice navigating conflict. 

The basic rule is that as long as the behavior is not dangerous or aggressive, then it’s okay to take a step back. You know that it’s not an emergency, and they don’t need your immediate help. 

Now that doesn’t mean that you don’t get involved or you don’t help guide them through the conflict. But it means you don’t need to be so quick to intervene and interject with what’s happening in the moment.

So all you do – as long as it’s not dangerous or aggressive – is describe what you see…

• “I see you threw sand, and brother didn’t like that.”
• “I see you threw the wood chips at him. And at first, he liked it. And now he’s saying, no, no, no.”

And then you can take it a step further by prompting them and say…

• “I hear you saying no. What would you like them to do? You want them to stop throwing. Tell them that. ‘I want you to stop throwing.’”
• If the child continues to have trouble with honoring the limits, you’ll want to say something like, “You need to stop throwing.” And then give it some time.

If they continue to test that boundary , you can say…

• “I see you’re having a hard time. I’m going to help you.” And remove them from the situation . 
• Or give them two choices . “You have two choices. You can keep the sand in your hand or we’re going to have to move to a different area.”

If they have trouble stopping the behavior, that’s your cue they’re going to need you to step in and give some more guidance and redirect it. 

How do you solve the conflict if the kids can’t find a resolution?

I received another question that was what if they refuse to solve the conflict or there’s no resolution in sight.

Again, as much as possible, just describe what you see and then open it up. 

• “What do you think we should do about this? Do you have any ideas?”

Sometimes our kids are going to need some ideas to help in either coming up with a resolution that’s going to work for both kiddos or for helping them communicate with the other child about their needs and wants. So there are times you’re going to have to feel it out and see how to proceed.

Let’s say both children are fighting for one toy. You’re going to want to describe what you see in a very neutral, non-judgmental way. And remember, as long as it’s not dangerous or aggressive, we don’t need to intervene and stop the behavior. It’s okay for them to have this push and pull with the toy as long as no one is getting hurt.

You can say something like…

• “I see both of you guys want the toy right now. I wonder what we should do about it.” 
• And you can give a possible solution. “I’ve heard some kids have a waitlist for toys” or something like that, but allow it to play out. 

If we give it some time, our kiddos will come to some solution, whether that’s the one child backing away from the toy and letting the other one have it. And then, if that’s the case…

• You’ll want to acknowledge and praise the child who shared.
• Let the other one know, “Hey, let your sister know when you’re done because I know that they really want to turn with that toy. Thank you, you two.” 
• Keep it positive and upbeat.

How do you help a really young child with conflict resolution?

I received another question from a mom who has a 3-year-old and a 1-year-old. And her question was about how she can help her 1-year-old navigate these situations so that she’s not always getting on her 3-year-old.

I love that she’s so aware of not wanting to have high expectations of her 3-year-old. And she doesn’t want to take sides.

At 1-year-old, they’re a little too young to begin the conflict resolution process because their communication and comprehension are not as developed. But keep in mind when they turn 2, you can begin the process of conflict resolution.

But for the 1-year-old, it’s going to be a lot of redirection and guidance of their behaviors.

You can still explain out loud what’s happening. For example, the 3-year-old is building a tall tower, and the 1-year-old is coming up to the tower. The 3-year-old is getting upset about it possibly getting knocked over. You can…

• Put your hand out and say, “I can’t let you do that. I see your brother is building this nice tower. I am going to help you go around it.”
• Redirect the behavior and get them involved in a different activity as much as possible.

Now, of course, this is not always possible.

So let’s say the 1-year-old is coming up to the tower and the 3-year-old is like, “No!” The 1-year-old pushes the tower over, then you will want to describe what you see: 

• You’re going to want to offer comfort to the 3-year-old and offer your focus to the 3-year-old. “I saw you were building the tower and then your brother came up and knocked it down. And now you’re feeling so sad, and you’re so disappointed. Yeah. I could see how you would feel that way.” 
• Then you can say something like, “I wonder what we should do about it?” More times than not, they’ll decide to build the tower again. You can jump in to help them rebuild the tower to show your support and praise them for being flexible and understanding (e.g., “I know that was frustrating. I appreciate your understanding. Brother is still learning how to play in the ways you play. Would you like my help in rebuilding the tower?”). 

It’s really important to convey to your 3-year-old that you understand where they’re coming from and that you know that this is frustrating.

Here are more conflict resolution tips!

Children can start understanding the conflict resolution process as early as 2 years old. Keep in mind for kiddos 6 and younger, they’re going to need your presence there more times than not. They’re going to need your help with having the language to assert themselves and to resolve the conflict successfully. 

First, ask questions in the beginning and observe what you see. This helps normalize and validate their feelings while also giving them permission to assert themselves.

• “Did you like that when your brother did X, Y, and Z?”

You’re also going to want to bring both of the kiddos close together and get down on their level. You can offer some physical touch to let them both know we’re in this together. 

• “We’re going to get through this. I’m not choosing sides. I want us to work through this.” 

Next, you’re going to want to identify everybody’s feelings. Describe what you see and try to create a safe place for them with both verbal and non-verbal cues. Because if your children sense that you’re choosing sides or that you’re angry or annoyed with what’s happening, they will not feel comfortable talking about what’s going on.

• “Hey, we’re all in this together. Let’s see if we can find a solution that works for everyone.” 

For kids younger than six, you’re going to want to invite them to tell the other child what they didn’t like.  

• You’re going to want to give them those words to say to the other child. “I didn’t like when you pushed me. I didn’t like when you knocked my tower down. I didn’t like when you threw sand in my face.”
• Then you’re going to want to repeat that back. “So I heard you say you didn’t like that. Did you hear that too?” and get some feedback from the other child and you want to reinforce that boundary.

For older kids, you can say something like, “Tell them how you feel.”

If the other child has trouble respecting that boundary, then they will need your help. That’s your sign to connect with them, validate their feelings, and then try to redirect them to a different activity. 

I hope this was helpful to help your kiddos learn the valuable skill of conflict resolution. 

If you need more help with sibling conflict, I have a free workshop, How to Get Your Kids to Listen Without Yelling , where we work through discipline and setting consequences with intention and respect. I provide you with the tools you need to create a happy home where cooperation happens without the struggle.

Rooting for you, 

Dr. Jazmine

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Preschool Social Skills: Teaching Young Children How to Resolve Conflicts

• Categories : Preschool teaching strategies, advice & tips
• Tags : Early education information for teachers, parents & caregivers

One of the fundamental things young children learn in preschool is how to play with others. They will be doing it their whole lives. It’s never too early to learn.

When sharing space, toys, tools and attention with other kids, conflict is going to happen. The first thing many parents and teachers want to do when yelling, pushing or kicking starts is to rush in break it up.

Yet every squabble is a learning opportunity. The children in the middle of it and on the outside can use this experience to settle future conflicts. As teachers and parents, we can give them the tools to do so.

They’re Not Born Knowing

Adults are fond of saying “use your words” when fighting, screaming and crying breaks out. It is great advice, but preschoolers don’t come pre-loaded with those words. We need to teach them.

The children in a preschool class are making a huge transition. Only a short time ago, they were toddlers at the center of their universe. Maybe they have older or younger siblings, but they still occupy their own two- to three-year-old niche in the ecosystem.

Suddenly, they are surrounded by a dozen or more kids their own age and size. They’re expected to coexist, share resources and find an identity in this new world. Don’t be surprised if it doesn’t happen on the first day.

What do you do when someone hurts you? What if you want something someone else has? What if they take something from you? How do you handle all the giant emotions you feel?

These are the questions preschoolers need to answer for themselves with our help.

Giving Them the Words

It starts with labeling feelings. Find picture books on the topic and read to the kids about the range of human feeling. Have them show you an angry face and a sad face. Enable them to describe what’s going on inside.

Then acknowledge that everyone has feelings. It is natural sometimes to be jealous, happy, disappointed or nervous. Use examples from your own life and tell them how you reacted to the emotion. Show them the right and wrong way to respond.

“I was angry because I was running late and another driver cut me off. I wanted to honk my horn and throw something out my window. Instead, I took a deep breath and realized I was tense because I was in a hurry. Getting mad would not get me to school faster. I put a mellow song on the radio and thought about your smiling faces.”

Everybody Needs Practice

We need to anticipate potential conflicts in the classroom and on the playground. Children may not respect each other’s space while waiting in line. Someone will want to push his or her way to the front of the line. Kids may crash into each other by accident. Two kids will want the same toy. Before these situations occur, your students can practice the right thing to do.

Bring two children to the front of the class and propose a scenario. While drawing, both students reach for the same color marker. What emotions may come out? One child may be jealous because the other one gets to make purple stars. One may be angry because the other pulled the marker out of his hand. One may be frustrated because she thinks she never gets what she wants.

Now ask them how to deal with this situation. They should talk it out and notice that each one wants the same thing.

They can decide to take turns. Flip a coin or play rock/scissors/paper to decide who goes first. A potential fight just became a game. They can ask around to see if another table has a purple marker they are not using. One can see this as an opportunity to take their artwork in another direction. Without a purple marker, maybe it would look better in blue or green.

Try this with any situation around the preschool environment that could be a cause for conflict. Try it with problems your class had in the past. Practice how to do it better next time.

Have a Conflict Resolution Plan

No matter how well you prepare them, problems will occur with your students. Think about a fair and consistent method for reaction when kids run up to you crying and pointing fingers.

• Remain calm. Get down to eye level with the children. Speak slowly and steadily.
• Show that you understand. Tell them what you observe. “I see you’re angry.” “You look frustrated.”
• Ask questions. Inquire about the conflict and listen earnestly to their responses. Hear both sides.
• Repeat what you know. Clearly retell what you learned about the situation. Children get upset when they feel no one understands them.
• Ask for their input. How do they think the problem should be solved? Make them part of the solution.
• Praise and reinforce. Thank them for being able to identify their feelings. Let them know you are proud of them for working out the conflict.
• Observe from a distance. Keep an eye on the children to see that they are sticking to the truce. Watch for any flare-ups and praise them again when they play in peace.

We’re All Still Playing

Every family, office, school, party and social group is just a big playground. We need to learn the rules and play fair. We need to share, not bully each other and clearly communicate our feelings. From our first day to our last, the players and field change but the game stays the same.

By understanding that preschoolers are not born knowing how to play tag, anticipating potential conflicts, rehearsing resolutions and congratulating them on every little success, we can turn these rascals into brilliant adults who work well together.

• Highscope: Preschoolers Not Too Young to Develop the Skills of Conflict Resolution
• National Crime Prevention Council: Conflict Management: Grades K - 1
• Parents Magazine: Use Your Words

Supporting Young Children: Help Young Children with Conflict Resolution

Printable version, infant/toddler:.

Infants and Toddlers learn through experience. Children learn through trial and error. It is important to provide young children with opportunities to work on their problem solving skills and to offer gentle guidance and encouragement when they are struggling. Jumping in too soon to solve the problem does not allow the child to discover the various skills needed as they grow.

• Let children know through your calm approach that conflicts are okay and that they can be resolved with help.
• Describe each child’s facial expressions and make the same expression yourself. This can help toddlers feel more understood.
• Name feelings and talk them through the conflict. Calm them with gentle touches and a soft voice. Tell them what you think has happen ed if they are not able to express it. Listen to them if they can explain.
• Teach one word or a sign that each child can practice saying to each other. EG: “Mine” or “please”.
• Remember that redirecting a very young child to a different activity is often an appropriate response.
• Hold an object if it is the cause of the conflict. Remember if you just remove it, you lose an opportunity to teach problem solving. Talk children through problem solving strategies, providing them with choices to the solution, acknowledge when they solve the problem. “You found another toy to play with while you waited for your turn. You solved the problem.”

An important skill for successful social interaction during the preschool years is being able to resolve conflicts. When teachers and parents nurture the development of conflict resolution skills, they are providing the child with the ability to resolve situations before they spin out of control. These skills are essential for developing and maintaining relationships with others. How well these skills are learned during childhood will influence the type and quality of the relationships that the child forms throughout his/her life. Steps in problem solving include: controlling emotions, identifying the problem, working out a solution or solutions and then trying the solutions out.

• When conflict arises, approach the situation quickly and calmly, stopping any hurtful behavior or language. It is important to remain calm so that the situation does not escalate. Use a calm, soft voice and position yourself at eye level with children.
• Listen to all sides of a conflict. Rather than solving the problem for children, help generate ideas of how they might solve the problem. When a solution is determined, confirm the plan they have agreed to, repeating it back to them. Then encourage the children to try the solutions. They will learn as much from failure as success.
• Encourage children to be problem solvers. When children come to a teacher for help, ask them to put on their problem solving cap & work with them on possible solutions. Have children use their imaginations and pretend play on how to figure the problem out.
• Teach problem solving skills as a part of the curriculum. Use this consistently to help children learn to resolve conflicts on their own.
• Provide classroom materials that facilitate problem-solving & conflict resolution skills: problem-solving steps; Solution Kit; be by myself space; peace table; Have children discuss the problem, while guiding them towards solutions.