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What is Positive Parenting? 33 Examples and Benefits

And while most of us strive to be great parents, we may also find ourselves confused and frustrated by the seemingly endless challenges of parenthood.

As both parents of toddlers and teenagers can attest, such challenges are evident across all developmental stages.

But there is good news— numerous research-supported tools and strategies are now available for parents. These resources provide a wealth of information for common parenting challenges (i.e., bedtime issues, picky eating, tantrums, behavior problems, risk-taking, etc.); as well as the various learning lessons that are simply part of growing up (i.e., starting school, being respectful, making friends, being responsible, making good choices, etc.).

With its focus on happiness, resilience and positive youth development ; the field of positive psychology is particularly pertinent to discussions of effective parenting. Thus, whether you are a parent who’s trying to dodge potential problems; or you are already pulling your hair out— you’ve come to the right place.

This article provides a highly comprehensive compilation of evidence-based positive parenting techniques. These ideas and strategies will cover a range of developmental periods, challenges, and situations. More specifically, drawing from a rich and robust collection of research, we will address exactly what positive parenting means; its many benefits; when and how to use it; and its usefulness for specific issues and age-groups.

This article also contains many useful examples, positive parenting tips, activities, programs, videos, books , podcasts – and so much more. By learning from and applying these positive parenting resources; parents will become the kind of parents they’ve always wanted to be: Confident, Optimistic, and even Joyful.

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our three Positive Parenting Exercises for free . These detailed, science-based exercises will help you or your clients identify opportunities to implement positive parenting practices and support healthy child development.

This Article Contains:

What is positive parenting, a look at the research, how can it encourage personal development and self growth in a child, how old must the child be, what are the benefits, 12 examples of positive parenting in action, positive parenting styles, a look at positive discipline, positive parenting with toddlers and preschoolers, how to best address sibling rivalry, positive parenting with teenagers, positive parenting through divorce, a take-home message.

Before providing a definition of positive parenting, let’s take a step back and consider what we mean by “parents.” While a great deal of parenting research has focused on the role of mothers; children’s psychosocial well-being is influenced by all individuals involved in their upbringing.

Such caregivers might include biological and adoptive parents, foster parents, single parents, step-parents, older siblings, and other relatives and non-relatives who play a meaningful role in a child’s life. In other words, the term “parent” applies to an array of individuals whose presence impacts the health and well-being of children (Juffer, Bakermans-Kranenburg & van Ijzendoorn, 2008).

Thus, any time the terms “parent” or “caregiver” are used herein; they apply to any individuals who share a consistent relationship with a child, as well as an interest in his/her well-being (Seay, Freysteinson & McFarlane, 2014).

Fortunately, parenting research has moved away from a deficit or risk factor model towards a more positive focus on predictors of positive outcomes (e.g., protective factors ). Positive parenting exemplifies this approach by seeking to promote the parenting behaviors that are most essential for fostering positive youth development (Rodrigo, Almeida, Spiel, & Koops, 2012).

Several researchers have proposed definitions of positive parenting, such as Seay and colleagues (2014), who reviewed 120 pertinent articles. They came up with the following universal definition:

Positive parenting is the continual relationship of a parent(s) and a child or children that includes caring, teaching, leading, communicating, and providing for the needs of a child consistently and unconditionally.

(Seay et al., 2014, p. 207).

The Committee of Ministers of the Council of Europe (2006) similarly defined positive parenting as “ … nurturing, empowering, nonviolent… ” and which “ provides recognition and guidance which involves setting of boundaries to enable the full development of the child ’’ (in Rodrigo et al., 2012, p. 4). These definitions, combined with the positive parenting literature, suggest the following about positive parenting:

• It involves Guiding
• It involves Leading
• It involves Teaching
• It is Caring
• It is Empowering
• It is Nurturing
• It is Sensitive to the Child’s Needs
• It is Consistent
• It is Always Non-violent
• It provides Regular Open Communication
• It provides Affection
• It provides Emotional Security
• It provides Emotional Warmth
• It provides Unconditional Love
• It recognizes the Positive
• It respects the Child’s Developmental Stage
• It rewards Accomplishments
• It sets Boundaries
• It shows Empathy for the Child’s Feelings
• It supports the Child’s Best Interests

Along with these qualities, Godfrey (2019) proposes that the underlying assumption of positive parenting is that “… all children are born good, are altruistic and desire to do the right thing …” (positiveparenting.com).

Godfrey further adds that the objective of positive parenting is to teach discipline in a way that builds a child’s self-esteem and supports a mutually respectful parent-child relationship without breaking the child’s spirit (2019). These authors reveal an overall picture of positive parenting as warm, thoughtful and loving— but not permissive.

There is plenty of research supporting the short- and long-term effects of positive parenting on adaptive child outcomes. To begin with, work by the Positive Parenting Research Team ( PPRT ) from the University of Southern Mississippi (Nicholson, 2019) is involved in various studies aimed at examining the impact of positive parenting.

• The following are included among the team’s research topics:
• Relationships between positive parenting and academic success;
• Positive parenting as a predictor of protective behavioral strategies;
• Parenting style and emotional health; maternal hardiness, coping and social support in parents of chronically ill children, etc.

The PPRT ultimately seeks to promote positive parenting behaviors within families.

In their seven-year longitudinal study; Pettit, Bates and Dodge (1997) examined the influence of supportive parenting among parents of pre-kindergartners. Supportive parenting was defined as involving mother‐to‐child warmth, proactive teaching, inductive discipline, and positive involvement. Researchers contrasted this parenting approach with a less supportive, more harsh parenting style.

Supportive parenting was associated with more positive school adjustment and fewer behavior problems when the children were in sixth grade. Moreover, supportive parenting actually mitigated the negative impact of familial risk factors (i.e., socioeconomic disadvantage, family stress, and single parenthood) on children’s subsequent behavioral problems (Pettit et al., 2006).

Researchers at the Gottman Institute also investigated the impact of positive parenting by developing a 5-step ‘emotion coaching’ program designed to build children’s confidence and to promote healthy intellectual and psychosocial growth.

Gottman’s five steps for parents include:

• awareness of emotions;
• connecting with your child;
• listening to your child;
• naming emotions; and
• finding solutions (Gottman, 2019).

Gottman has reported that children of “emotional coaches” benefit from a more a positive developmental trajectory relative to kids without emotional coaches. Moreover, an evaluation of emotional coaching by Bath Spa University found several positive outcomes for families trained in emotional coachings, such as parental reports of a 79% improvement in children’s positive behaviors and well-being (Bath Spa University, 2016).

Overall, research has indicated that positive parenting is related to various aspects of healthy child development (many more examples of evidence supporting the benefits are positive parenting are described further in this article). Such outcomes are neither fleeting nor temporary; and will continue well beyond childhood.

Another way of thinking about the role of positive parenting is in terms of resilience. When children—including those who begin life with significant disadvantages— experience positive and supportive parenting, they are far more likely to thrive.

It is in this way that positive parenting minimizes health and opportunity disparities by armoring children with large stores of emotional resilience (Brooks, 2005; Brooks & Goldstein, 2001). And since we know positive parenting works; what parent wouldn’t want to learn how to use it and thereby give his/her child the best shot at a healthy and happy life?

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There are various mechanisms through which positive parenting promotes a child’s prosocial development.

For example, Eisenberg, Zhou, and Spinrad et al. (2005) suggest that positive parenting impacts children’s temperament by enhancing emotion regulation (e.g., “effortful control” enabling children to focus attention in a way that promotes emotion modulation and expression).

The authors reported a significant link between parental warmth and positive expressivity on children’s long-term emotion regulation. This ability to use effortful control was found to predict reduced externalizing problems years later when children were adolescents (Eisenbert et al., 2005).

Along with emotion regulation, there are many other ways in which positive parenting encourages a child’s positive development and self-growth.

Here are some examples:

• Teaching and leading promote children’s confidence and provides them with the tools needed to make good choices.
• Positive communication promotes children’s social and problem-solving skills while enhancing relationship quality with caregivers and peers.
• Warm and democratic parenting enhances children’s self-esteem and confidence.
• Parental supervision promotes prosocial peer bonding and positive youth outcomes.
• Autonomy-promoting parenting supports creativity, empowerment, and self-determination.
• Supportive and optimistic parenting fosters children’s belief in themselves and the future.
• Providing recognition for desirable behaviors increases children’s self-efficacy and the likelihood of engaging in prosocial, healthy behaviors.
• Providing boundaries and consequences teaches children accountability and responsibility.

Generally speaking, there are many aspects of positive parenting that nurture children’s self-esteem; creativity; belief in the future; ability to get along with others; and sense of mastery over their environment.

Warm, loving and supportive parents feed a child’s inner spirit while empowering him/her with the knowledge and tools necessary to approach life as a fully capable individual.

5 Expert tips no parent should miss – Goalcast

The need for positive parenting begins – well, at the beginning. The attachment literature has consistently indicated that babies under one year of age benefit from positive parenting. More specifically, a secure attachment between infants and mothers is related to numerous positive developmental outcomes (i.e., self-esteem, trust, social competence, etc.; Juffer, Bakermans-Kranenburg & van Ijzendoorn, 2008).

The quality of the mother-child attachment is believed to be a function of parental sensitivity (e.g., mothers who accurately perceive and quickly respond to their babies’ needs; Juffer et al., 2008)— which is certainly a key indicator of positive parenting practices in their earliest form.

Not only is a secure mother-child attachment related to early positive developmental outcomes, but more recent attachment research also indicates long-term increases in social self-efficacy among girls with secure attachments to their fathers (Coleman, 2003).

There are even ways in which positive parenting benefits a child or family as soon as the parents learn of a pregnancy or adoption (i.e., see the subsequent ‘sibling rivalry’ section). Therefore, it cannot be stressed enough: Positive parenting begins as early as possible.

There is empirical evidence for numerous benefits of positive parenting, which cover all developmental stages from infancy to late adolescence. The following table provides a list of many such examples:

The evidence clearly supports a relationship between positive parenting approaches and a large variety of prosocial parent and child outcomes. Therefore, practitioners have developed and implemented a range of programs aimed at promoting positive parenting practices.

Here are some noteworthy examples; including those which target specific risk factors, as well as those with a more preventative focus:

• Parent’s Circle program (Pearson & Anderson, 2001): Recognizing that positive parenting begins EARLY, this program helped parents of infants in the neonatal intensive care unit to enhance their parenting skills in order to better parent their fragile newborns.
• The Home Visiting Program (Ammaniti, Speranza, & Tambelli, et al., 2006): Also focused on babies, this program aimed to increase parental sensitivity in order to improve secure mother-infant attachments. In doing so, psychologists visited high-risk mothers at their homes in order to improve parental sensitivity to their infants’ signals.
• The Early Head Start Home-based Program (Roggman, Boyce, & Cook, 2009): This home-based program also focused on promoting parent-child attachment. Parents in semirural areas received weekly home-based visits from a family educator who taught them positive strategies aimed at promoting healthy parent-child interactions and engagement in children’s activities.
• American Psychological Association’s ACT Raising Safe Kids (RSK) program (Knox, Burkhard, & Cromly, 2013): The goal of this program was to improve parents’ positive parenting knowledge and skills by teaching nonviolent discipline, anger management, social problem‐solving skills, and other techniques intended to protect children from aggression and violence.
• New Beginnings Program (Wolchik, Sandler, Weiss, & Winslow, 2007): This empirically-based 10-session program was designed to teach positive parenting skills to families experiencing divorce or separation. Parents learned how to nurture positive and warm relationships with kids, use effective discipline, and protect their children from divorce-related conflict. The underlying goal of the New Beginnings Program was to promote child resilience during this difficult time.
• Family Bereavement Program (Sandler, Wolchik, Ayers, Tein, & Luecken, 2013): This intervention was aimed at promoting resilience in parents and children experiencing extreme adversity: The death of a parent. This 10-meeting supportive group environment helped bereaved parents learn a number of resilience-promoting parenting skills (i.e., active listening, using effective rules, supporting children’s coping, strengthening family bonds, and using adequate self-care).
• The Positive Parent (Suárez, Rodríguez, & López, 2016): This Spanish online program was aimed at enhancing positive parenting by helping parents to learn about child development and alternative child-rearing techniques; to become more aware, creative and independent in terms of parenting practices; to establish supportive connections with other parents; and to feel more competent and satisfied with their parenting.
• Healthy Families Alaska Programs (Calderaa, Burrellb, & Rodriguez, 2007): The objective of this home visiting program was to promote positive parenting and healthy child development outcomes in Alaska. Paraprofessionals worked with parents to improve positive parenting attitudes, parent-child interactions, child development knowledge, and home environment quality.
• The Strengthening Families Program (Kumpfer & Alvarado, 1998): This primary prevention program has been widely used to teach parents a large array of positive parenting practices. Following family systems and cognitive-behavioral philosophies, the program has taught parenting skills such as engagement in positive interactions with children, positive communication, effective discipline, rewarding positive behaviors, and the use of family meetings to promote organization. The program’s overall goal was to enhance child and family protective factors; to promote children’s resilience, and to improve children’s social and life skills.
• Incredible Years Program (Webster-Stratton& Reid, 2013): This program refers to a widely implemented and evaluated group-based intervention designed to reduce emotional problems and aggression among children, and to improve their social and emotional competence. Parent groups received 12-20 weekly group sessions focused on nurturing relationships, using positive discipline, promoting school readiness and academic skills, reducing conduct problems, and increasing other aspects of children’s healthy psychosocial development. This program has also been used for children with ADHD.
• Evidence-based Positive Parenting Programs Implemented in Spain (Ministers of the Council of Europe, in Rodrigo et al., 2012): In a special issue of Psychosocial Intervention, multiple evaluation studies of positive parenting programs delivered across Spain are presented. Among the programs included are those delivered in groups, at home, and online; each of which is aimed at positive parenting support services. This issue provides an informative resource for understanding which parents most benefited from various types of evidence-based programs aimed at promoting positive parenting among parents attending family support services.
• Triple P Positive Parenting Program (Sanders, 2008): This program, which will be described in more detail in a subsequent post, is a highly comprehensive parenting program with the objective of providing parents of high-risk children with the knowledge, confidence, and skills needed to promote healthy psychological health and adjustment in their children. While these programs are multifaceted, an overarching focus of the Triple P programs is to improve children’s self-regulation.

A reoccurring theme in the positive parenting literature is that a warm, yet firm parenting style is linked to numerous positive youth outcomes. This style is termed ‘authoritative’ and it is conceptualized as a parenting approach that includes a good balance of the following parenting qualities: assertive, but not intrusive; demanding, but responsive; supportive in terms of discipline, but not punitive (Baumrind, 1991).

Along with an authoritative parenting style, a developmental parenting style is also believed to support positive child outcomes (Roggman et al., 2008).

Developmental parenting is a positive parenting style that promotes positive child development by providing affection (i.e., through positive expressions of warmth toward the child); responsiveness (i.e., by attending to a child’s cues); encouragement (i.e., by supporting a child’s capabilities and interests); and teaching (i.e., by using play and conversation to support a child’s cognitive development (Roggman & Innocenti, 2009).

Developmental parenting clearly shares several commonalities with authoritative parenting, and both represent positive parenting approaches.

Overall, by taking a good look at positive parenting strategies that work for raising healthy, happy kids; it is evident that positive parenting styles encourage a child’s autonomy by:

• Supporting exploration and involvement in decision-making
• Paying attention and responding to a child’s needs
• Using effective communication
• Attending to a child’s emotional expression and control
• Rewarding and encouraging positive behaviors
• Providing clear rules and expectations
• Applying consistent consequences for behaviors
• Providing adequate supervision and monitoring
• Acting as a positive role model
• Making positive family experiences a priority

In a nutshell, positive parents support a child’s healthy growth and inner spirit by being loving, supportive, firm, consistent, and involved. Such parents go beyond communicating their expectations, but practice what they preach by being positive role models for their children to emulate.

4 Things you must say to your kids daily – Live on Purpose TV

The term ‘discipline’ often has a negative, purely punitive connotation. However, ‘discipline’ is actually defined as “training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character” (Merriam-Webster, 2019).

This definition is instructive, as it reminds us that as parents, we are not disciplinarians, but rather teachers. And as our children’s teachers, our goal is to respectfully show them choices for behaviors and to positively reinforce adaptive behaviors.

Positive discipline again harkens back to authoritative parenting because it should be administered in a way that is firm and loving at the same time. Importantly, positive discipline is never violent, aggressive or critical; it is not punitive.

Relevant: Examples of Positive Punishment & Negative Reinforcement

Physical punishment (i.e., spanking) is ineffective for changing behaviors in the long-term and has a number of detrimental consequences on children (Gershoff, 2013). Indeed, the objective of positive discipline is to “teach and train. Punishment (inflicting pain/purposeful injury) is unnecessary and counter-productive” (Kersey, 2006, p. 1).

Nelsen (2006) describes a sense of belonging as a primary goal of all people; a goal that is not achieved through punishment. In fact, she describes the four negative consequences of punishment on children (e.g., “the four R’s”) as resentment toward parents; revenge that may be plotted in order to get back at parents; rebellion against parents, such as through even more excessive behaviors; and retreat, that may involve becoming sneaky and/or experiencing a loss of self-esteem (Nelsen, 2006).

She provides the following five criteria for positive discipline (which are available on her positive discipline website ):

• Is both kind and firm
• Promotes a child’s sense of belonging and significance
• Works long-term (note: punishment may have an immediate impact, but this is short-lived)
• Teaches valuable social and life skills (i.e., problem-solving, social skills, self-soothing, etc.)
• Helps children develop a sense that they are capable individuals

In her comprehensive and helpful book for parents: Positive Discipline , Nelsen (2006) also describes a number of key aspects of positive discipline, such as being non-violent, respectful, and grounded in developmental principles; teaching children self-respect, empathy, and self-efficacy; and promoting a positive relationship between parent and child.

Stated another way, “ respecting children teaches them that even the smallest, most powerless, most vulnerable person deserves respect, and that is a lesson our world desperately needs to learn ” (LR Knost, lovelivegrow.com).

Since we know that positive discipline does not involve the use of punishment; the next obvious questions become “Just what exactly does it involve?”

This question is undoubtedly urgent for parents who feel like their child is working diligently toward driving them mad. While we will discuss some of the more typical frustrations that parents regularly encounter later in the article, Kersey (2006) provides parents with a wonderful and comprehensive resource in her publication entitled “101 positive principles of discipline.”

Here are her top ten principles:

• Demonstrate Respect Principle : Treat the child in the same respectful way you would like to be treated.
• Make a Big Deal Principle : Use positive reinforcement in meaningful ways for desired behaviors. Reward such behaviors with praise, affection, appreciation, privileges, etc.
• Incompatible Alternative Principle : Provide the child with a behavior to substitute for the undesirable one, such as playing a game rather than watching tv.
• Choice Principle : Provide the child with two choices for positive behaviors so that he/she feels a sense of empowerment. For example, you might say “would you rather take your bath before or after your brush your teeth?”
• When/Then – Abuse it/Lose it Principle : Ensure that rewards are lost when rules are broken. For example, you might say “After you clean your room, you can play outside” (which means that a child who does not clean his/her room, will not get to play outside. Period.)
• Connect Before You Correct Principle : Ensure that the child feels loved and cared for before behavioral problems are attended to.
• Validation Principle : Validate the child’s feelings. For example, you might say “I know you are sad about losing your sleepover tonight and I understand”.
• Good Head on Your Shoulders Principle : Ensure that the child hears the equivalent of “you have a good head on your shoulders” in order to feel capable, empowered and responsible for his/her choices. This is especially important for teenagers.
• Belonging and Significance Principle : Ensure that your child feels important and as if he/she belongs. For example, remind your child that he/she is really good at helping in the kitchen and that the family needs this help in order to have dinner.
• Timer Says it’s Time Principle : Set a timer to help children make transitions. This helps kids to know what’s expected of them and may also involve giving them a choice in terms of the amount of time. For example, you might say “Do you need 15 or 20 minutes to get dressed?” Make sure to let the child know that the time is set.

The reader is encouraged to check-out Kersey’s 101 positive discipline principles, as they contain an enormous amount of useful and effective approaches for parents; along with principles that reflect many everyday examples (e.g., Babysitter Principle; Apology Principle; Have Fun Together Principle; Talk About Them Positively to Others Principle; Whisper Principle; Write a Contract Principle; and so much more).

This section has provided many helpful positive discipline ideas for a myriad of parenting situations and challenges. Positive discipline (which will be expounded on later sections of in the article: i.e., ‘positive parenting with toddlers and preschoolers,’ ‘temper tantrums,’ ‘techniques to use at bedtime,’ etc.) is an effective discipline approach that promotes loving parent-child relationships, as well as producing productive, respectful, and happy children.

The notion of parenting a toddler can frighten even the most tough-minded among us. This probably isn’t helped by terms such as ‘terrible two’s,’ and jokes like “ Having a two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it ” (Jerry Seinfeld, goodreads.com).

Sure, toddlers and preschoolers get a bad rap; but they do sometimes seem like tiny drunken creatures who topple everything in their path. Not to mention their tremendous noise and energy, mood swings, and growing need for independence.

While their lack of coordination and communication skills can be endearing and often hilarious; they are also quite capable of leaving their parents in a frenzied state of frustration. For example, let’s consider the situation below.

The Grocery Store Blow-out

In this relatable example, a dad and his cranky 3-year-old find themselves in a long line at a grocery store. The child decides she’s had enough shopping and proceeds to throw each item out of the cart while emitting a blood-curdling scream.

The father, who may really need to get the shopping done, is likely to shrivel and turn crimson as his fellow shoppers glare and whisper about his “obnoxious child” or “bad parenting.” He, of course, tells her to stop; perhaps by asking her nicely, or trying to reason with her.

When this doesn’t’ work, he might switch his method to commanding, pleading, threatening, negotiating, or anything else he can think of in his desperation. But she is out of control and beyond reason. The father wants an immediate end to the humiliation; but he may not realize that some quick fixes intended to placate his child, will only make his life worse in the long run.

So, what is he to do?

Before going into specific solutions for this situation, it is essential that parents understand this developmental stage. There are reasons for the child’s aggravating behaviors; reasons that are biologically programmed to ensure survival.

For example, kids aged two-to-three are beginning to understand that there are a lot of things that seem scary in the world. As such, they may become anxious about a variety of situations; like strangers, bad dreams, extreme weather, creepy images, doctor and dentist offices, monsters, certain animals, slivers or other minor medical issues, etc.

While these childhood fears make life more difficult for parents (i.e., when a child won’t stay in his/her room at night due to monsters and darkness, or when a child makes an enormous fuss when left with a babysitter), they are actually an indicator of maturity (Durant, 2016).

The child is reacting in a way that supports positive development by fearing and avoiding perceived dangers. While fear of monsters does not reflect a truly dangerous situation, avoidance of individuals who appear mean or aggressive is certainly in the child’s best interest.

Similarly, fear of strangers is an innate protective mechanism that prompts children to stay close to those adults who keep them healthy and safe. And some strangers indeed should be feared. Although a challenge for parents, young children who overestimate dangers with consistent false-positives are employing their survival instincts.

In her book  Positive Discipline (which is free online and includes worksheets for parents), Durant (2016) notes the importance of respecting a child’s fears and not punishing her/him for them, as well as talking to the child in a way that shows empathy and helps him/her to verbalize feelings. Durant proposes that one of the keys of effective discipline is “… to see short-term challenges as opportunities to work toward your long-term goals” (2016, p. 21).

With this objective in mind, any steps a parent takes when dealing with a frightened or misbehaving child should always be taken with consideration of their potential long-term impact. Long-term goals, which Durant describes as “the heart of parenting” may be hard to think about when a child is challenging and a frustrated parent simply wants the behavior to stop.

However, punishing types of behaviors such as yelling, are not likely to be in-line with long-term parenting goals. By visualizing their preschooler as a high school student or even an adult, it can help parents to ensure that their immediate responses are in-line with the kind, peaceful and responsible person they wish to see in 15 years or so. Durant (2016) provides several examples of long-term parenting goals, such as:

• Maintaining a quality relationship with the parent
• Taking responsibility for actions
• Being respectful of others
• Knowing right from wrong
• Making wise decisions
• Being honest, loyal and trustworthy

Related: Examples of Positive Reinforcement in the Classroom

Grocery Store Blow-out Solutions

Long-term parenting goals are highly relevant to the maddening grocery store example. If the dad only thinks about the short-term goal of making his daughter’s behavior stop embarrassing him at the store, he might decide to tell her she can have a candy bar if she is quiet and stops throwing items from the cart.

This way, he might reason, he can finish his shopping quickly and without humiliation. Sure, this might work as far as getting the child to behave on that day— at that moment; BUT here are some likely consequences:

• Next time they go shopping, she will do this again in order to receive the candy reward.
• Pretty much every time they go shopping, she will do the same thing; and the value of the reward is likely to escalate as she gets tired of the candy.
• She will learn that this behavior can get her rewards in all sorts of places beyond the grocery store, thus making her exhausted parents afraid to take her anywhere.

Moreover, the message she receives from the candy tactic will not reinforce the qualities the father likely wants to see in his daughter over time, such as:

• Being respectful of her parents
• Being respectful of others around her
• Being respectful of others’ property
• Being responsible for her behavior
• Being courteous and considerate
• Being helpful
• Having good manners
• Having good social skills

Therefore, the father might instead deal with this situation by calmly telling her that she needs to stop or she will get a time-out. The time-out can take place somewhere in the store that is not reinforcing for her, such as a quiet corner with no people around (e.g., no audience). Or they can go sit in the car.

If the store is especially crowded, the dad might also ask the clerk to place his cart in a safe place and/or save his place in line until he returns (which he/she will likely be inclined to do if it will get the child to be quiet). After a brief time-out, he should give his daughter a hug and let her know the rules for the remainder of the shopping trip, as well as the consequences of not following them.

In some cases, it might be better for the parent to simply leave the store without the groceries and go home. He won’t have completed his shopping, but that will be a small price for having a child who learns a good lesson on how to behave.

Very importantly, however; if he does take her home, this absolutely cannot be done in a way that is rewarding (i.e., she gets to go home and play, watch tv, or anything else she enjoys). She will need a time-out immediately upon arriving home, as well as perhaps the message that dinner won’t be her favorite tonight since the shopping was not done.

This is not meant to be punitive or sarcastic, more of a natural consequence for her to learn from (e.g., “If I act-out at the store, we won’t have my favorite foods in the house”). In fact, even though he may not feel like it, the father needs to speak to his daughter in a kind and loving way.

Regardless of whether the consequence is in the store or at home, the dad absolutely must follow-through consistently. If he doesn’t, he will teach her that sometimes she can misbehave and still get what she wants; this is a pattern of reinforcement that is really difficult to break.

Of course, the father cannot leave the store each time she misbehaves, as he won’t get anything done and he’s also giving her too much control. Thus, he should prepare in advance for future shopping trips by making her aware of the shopping rules, expectations for her behavior, and the consequences if she breaks them.

The father should be specific about such things, as “I expect you to be good at the store” is not clear. Saying something more like “The rules for shopping are that you need to talk in your quiet voice, listen to daddy, sit still in the cart, help daddy give the items to the clerk, etc.” The dad is also encouraged to only take her shopping when she is most likely to behave (i.e., when well-rested, well-fed, not upset about something else, etc.).

He might also give her something to do while shopping, such as by bringing her favorite book or helping to put items in the cart. Giving his daughter choices will also help her feel a sense of control (i.e., “You can either help put the items in the cart or you can help give them to the clerk”).

And, finally, the little girl should be rewarded for her polite shopping behavior with a great deal of praise (i.e., “You were a very good girl at the store today. You really helped Daddy and I enjoyed spending time with you”).

He might also reward her with a special experience (i.e., “You were so helpful at the store, that we saved enough time to go the park later” or “You were such a great helper today; can you also help daddy make dinner?”). Of course, the reward should not consist of food, since that can lead to various other problems.

There are many more positive parenting tips for this and other difficult parenting scenarios throughout this article, as well as numerous helpful learning resources. In the meantime, it is always wise to remember that your toddler or preschooler does not act the way he/she does in order to torture you— it’s not personal.

There are always underlying reasons for these behaviors. Just keep your cool, plan-ahead, think about your long-term goals, and remember that your adorable little monster will only be this age for a brief time.

Related:  Parenting Children with Positive Reinforcement (Examples + Charts)

Siblings, whether biological; adopted; full or half stepsiblings; often pick at each other endlessly. Arguments between siblings are a normal part of life. However, sometimes the degree of animosity between siblings (e.g., sibling rivalry) can get out of control and interfere with the quality of the relationship. Not to mention creating misery for parents. Plus, there are negative long-term consequences of problematic sibling relationships, such as deviant behavior among older children and teens (Moser & Jacob, 2002).

Sibling rivalry is often complicated, as it is affected by a range of family variables, such as family size, parent-child interactions, parental relationships, children’s genders, birth order, and personality—among others. And it starts really early. Sometimes, as soon as a child realizes a baby brother or sister is on the way, emotions begin to run high. Fortunately, parents have a great opportunity to prepare their children from the start.

For example, the parent can foster a healthy sibling relationship by engaging in open communication about becoming a big brother or sister early on. This should be done in a way that is exciting and supports the child’s new role as the older sibling. Parents can support bonding by allowing the child to feel the baby kick or view ultrasound pictures. They can solicit their child’s help in decorating the baby’s room.

For some families, their newborn baby may be premature or have other medical problems that require time in the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU). In this situation, which can be quite stressful for siblings, parents should talk to the older child about what’s happening. Parents might also provide the child with updates on the baby’s progress, prepare the child for visits to the NICU, have the child draw a picture to leave with the baby, make a scrapbook for the baby, and set aside plenty of time with the older child (Beavis, 2007).

If the new child is going to be adopted, it is also important to encourage a connection. For example, along with explaining how the adoption will work, the child can be involved in the exciting aspects of the process once it is confirmed. In the case of an older child or international adoption, there are special things parents can do as well.

For example, if a child is in an orphanage, the sibling can help pick-out little gifts to send ahead of time (i.e., a stuffed animal, soft blanket or clothing). Having the child draw a picture and/or write a letter to the new sibling is another way to enhance the relationship. Adopting an older child will require particular preparation; as the new sibling will arrive with his/her own fears, traits, memories, and experiences that will certainly come into play.

There are a number of children’s books designed to help parents prepare their children for a new sibling, such as You Were the First (MacLachlan, 2013), My Sister Is a Monster : Funny Story on Big Brother and New Baby Sister How He Sees Her (Green, 2018), and Look-Look : The New Baby (Mayer, 2001).

There are also children’s books that help prepare children for adopted siblings, with some that are even more focused on the type of adoption. Here are a few examples: Seeds of Love : For Brothers and Sisters of International Adoption (Ebejer Petertyl & Chambers, 1997), A Sister for Matthew : A Story About Adoption (Kennedy, 2006), and Emma’s Yucky Brother (Little, 2002).

Along with the above tips, Amy McCready (2019) provides some excellent suggestions for ending sibling rivalry, these include:

• Avoid Labeling Children: by labeling children in ways such as “the social one,” “the great student,” “the athlete,” “the baby” etc., parents intensify comparisons, as well as one child’s belief that he/she does not possess the same positive qualities as the other one (i.e., “if he’s the ‘brainy one,’ I must be the ‘dumb one,’”).
• Arrange for Attention: Make sure each child has plenty of regular intentional attention so that they will be less inclined to fight for it.
• Prepare for Peace: McCready describes several ways to teach conflict resolution skills that help to avoid further issues between siblings.
• Stay out of Squabbles: Unless absolutely necessary (i.e., during a physical fight), it is best to stay out of squabbles. In doing so, the parent is not reinforcing the disagreement, while also enabling the children to work out solutions together.
• Calm the Conflict: If you must intervene, it is best to help the children problem-solve the situation without judgment or taking sides.
• Put them All in the Same Boat: McCready suggests that all children involved in the conflict receive the same consequence, which teaches them that they each will benefit from getting along.

These and other useful tips and resources are available on McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions website . Luckily, by being thoughtful and preparing ahead of time, parents can avoid excessive competition between children and promote meaningful lifelong sibling bonds.

Before discussing positive parenting with teenagers, it is important to remember one key fact: Teens still need and want their parents’ support, affection, and guidance— even if it doesn’t seem like it. Just as with younger kids, parental figures are essential for helping adolescents overcome difficult struggles (Wolin, Desetta & Hefner, 2016).

Indeed, by fostering a sense of mastery and internal locus of control, adults help to empower a teen’s sense of personal responsibility and control over the future (Blaustein & Kinniburgh, 2018). In fact, the presence of nurturing adults who truly listen has been reported among emotionally resilient teens (Wolin et al., 2016).

Positive parenting practices such as quality communication, parental monitoring, and authoritative parenting style also have been found to predict fewer risky behaviors among adolescents (DeVore & Ginsburg, 2005).

As parents of teens know, there are many challenges involved in parenting during this developmental period. Adolescents often find themselves confused about where they fit in the area between adulthood and childhood. They may desire independence, yet lack the maturity and knowledge to execute it safely. They are often frustrated by their bodily changes, acne and mood swings.

Teens may be overwhelmed by school, as well as pressures from parents and peers. Teens may feel bad about themselves and even become anxious or depressed as they try to navigate the various stressors they face.

Many of these difficulties, which certainly need attention from parents, may also make conversations difficult. Parents may feel confused as to how much freedom versus protectiveness is appropriate. The Love and Logic approach (Cline & Faye, 2006) provides some terrific ways for parents to raise responsible, well-adjusted teens.

The authors’ approach for parents involves two fundamental concepts: “Love [which] means giving your teens opportunities to be responsible and empowering them to make their own decisions.” And “Logic [which] means allowing them to live with the natural consequences of their mistakes-and showing empathy for the pain, disappointment, and frustration they’ll experience” (Foster, Cline, & Faye, 2019, hopelbc.com, p. 1).

Just as with young children, the Love and Logic method is a warm and loving way to prepare teens for the future while maintaining a quality relationship with parents.

Another positive parenting approach that is particularly applicable to adolescents is the Teen Triple P Program (Ralph & Sanders, 2004). Triple P (which will be described in a subsequent post) is tailored toward teens and involves teaching parents a variety of skills aimed at increasing their own knowledge and confidence.

The program also promotes various prosocial qualities in teens such as social competence, health, and resourcefulness; such that they will be able to avoid engaging in problem behaviors (e.g., substance use, risky sex, delinquency, Bulimia, etc.). This approach enables parents to replace harsh discipline styles for those that are more nurturing, without being permissive. It aims to minimize parent-teen conflict while providing teens with the tools and ability to make healthy choices (Ralph & Sanders, 2004).

Parents of teens (or future teens) often shudder when considering the dangers and temptations to which their children may be exposed. With a focus specifically on substance use, the Partnership for Drug-free Kids website offers a great deal of information for parents who are either dealing with teen drug use or are doing their best to prevent it.

For example, several suggestions for lowering the probability that a teen will use substances include:

• knowing your teen’s friends;
• being a positive role model in terms of your own coping mechanisms and use of alcohol and medication;
• being aware of your child’s level of risk for substance use;
• providing your teen with substance use information;
• supervising and monitoring your teen;
• setting boundaries;
• communicating openly about substance use; and
• building a supportive and warm relationship with your teen (Partnership for Drug-free Kids; PDK, 2014).

These suggestions are discussed in more detail on the following PDF : Parenting Practices: Help Reduce the Chances Your Child will Develop a Drug or Alcohol Problem (PDK, 2014). By employing these and other positive parenting techniques, you are helping your teenager to become a respectful, well-adjusted and productive member of society.

Divorce has become so common that dealing with it in the best possible way for kids is of vital importance to parents everywhere.

Parental divorce/separation represents a highly stressful experience for children that can have both immediate and long-term negative consequences.

Children of divorce are at increased risk for mental health, emotional, behavioral, and relationship problems (Department of Justice, Government of Canada, 2015).

There is, however, variability in how divorce affects children; with some adverse consequences being temporary, and others continuing well into adulthood. Since we know that divorce does not impact all children equally, the key question becomes: What are the qualities that are most effective for helping children to cope with parental divorce?

There are differences in children’s temperament and other aspects of personality, as well as family demographics, that affect their ability to cope with divorce. But, for present purposes, let’s focus on the aspects of the divorce itself since this is the area parents have the most power to change.

Importantly, the detrimental impact of divorce on kids typically begins well before the actual divorce (Amato, 2000). Thus, it may not be the divorce per se that represents the child risk factor; but rather, the parents’ relationship conflicts and how they are handled. For divorced/divorcing parents, this information is encouraging—as there are things you can do to help your children (and you) remain resilient despite this difficult experience.

Parental Conflict and Alienation

There are several divorce-related qualities that make it more difficult for children to adapt to divorce, such as parental hostility and poor cooperation between parents (Amato, 2000); and interpersonal conflict between parents along with continued litigation (Goodman, Bonds, & Sandler, et al., 2005).

Parents dealing with divorce need to make a special effort not to expose their children to conflicts between parents, legal and money related issues, and general animosity. The latter point merits further discussion, as parents often have a difficult time not badmouthing each other in front of (or even directly to) their kids. It is this act of turning a child against a parent that ultimately serves to turn a child against himself (Baker & Ben-Ami, 2011).

Badmouthing the other divorced parent is an alienation strategy, given its aim to alienate the other parent from the child. Such alienation involves any number of criticisms of the other parent in front of the child. This may even include qualities that aren’t necessarily negative, but which can be depicted as such for the sake of enhancing alienation (Baker & Ben-Ami, 2011).

Baker and Ben-Ami (2011) note that parental alienation tactics hurt children by sending the message that the badmouthed parent does not love the child. Also, the child may feel that, because their badmouthed parent is flawed; that he/she is similarly damaged. When a child receives a message of being unlovable or flawed, this negatively affects his/her self-esteem, mood, relationships, and other areas of life ( Baker & Ben-Ami, 2011 ).

An excellent resource for preventing parental alienation is Divorce Poison : How to Protect Your Family from Bad-mouthing and Brainwashing (Warshak, 2010).

Warshak describes how one parent’s criticism of the other may have a highly detrimental impact on the targeted parent’s relationship with his/her child. And such badmouthing absolutely hurts the child. Badmouthed parents who fail to deal with the situation appropriately are at risk of losing the respect of their kids and even contact altogether. Warshak provides effective solutions for bad-mouthed parents to use during difficult situations, such as:

• How to react when you find out about the badmouthing
• What to do if your kids refuse to see you
• How to respond to false accusations
• How to insulate kids from bad-mouthing effects

Reasons that parents attempt to manipulate children, as well as behaviors often exhibited by children who have become alienated from one parent,  are also described (Warshak, 2010). This book, as well as additional resources subsequently listed, provides hope and solutions for parents who are dealing with the pain of divorce.

Importantly, there are ways to support children in emerging from divorce without long-term negative consequences (i.e., by protecting them from parental animosity). It is in this way that parents can “enable their children to maintain love and respect for two parents who no longer love, and may not respect, each other” (Warshak, 2004-2013, warshak.com).

Positive parenting is an effective style of raising kids that is suitable for pretty much all types of parents and children. This article contains a rich and extensive collection of positive parenting research and resources; with the goal of arming caregivers with the tools to prevent or tackle a multitude of potential challenges. And, of course, to foster wellness and healthy development in children.

Here are the article’s key takeaways:

• Parents are never alone. Whatever the problem or degree of frustration, there is a whole community of parents who have faced the same issues. Not to mention a ton of positive parenting experts with effective solutions.
• Positive parenting begins early. Positive parenting truly starts the moment a person realizes he/she is going to become a parent since even the planning that goes into preparing for a child’s arrival will have an impact.
• Positive parenting applies to all developmental periods. With a positive parenting approach, raising toddlers and teenagers need not be terrible nor terrifying. Positive parenting promotes effective, joyful parenting of kids of all ages.
• Positive parents raise their children in a way that empowers them to reach their full potential as resilient and fulfilled individuals. Positive parents are warm, caring, loving and nurturing— and so much more: They are teachers, leaders, and positive role models. They are consistent and clear about expectations. They know what their kids and teens are doing. They encourage and reinforce positive behaviors. They make family experiences a priority. They support their children’s autonomy and individuality. They love their children unconditionally. They engage in regular, open dialogues with their children. They are affectionate, empathetic, and supportive. They understand that their teenagers still need them.
• Positive discipline is an effective, evidence-based approach that is neither punitive nor permissive. Positive discipline is performed in a loving way without anger, threats, yelling, or punishment. It involves clear rules, expectations, and consequences for behavior; and consistent follow-through. It is in alignment with parents’ long-term parenting goals.
• Positive parenting is backed by empirical evidence supporting its many benefits. Positive parenting promotes children’s self-esteem, emotional expression, self-efficacy, sense of belonging, social and decision-making skills, and belief in themselves. Positive parenting fosters secure attachments and quality relationships with parents; school adjustment and achievement; reduced behavior problems, depressive symptoms, and risk behaviors; and positive youth development in general. The outcomes associated with positive parenting are long-term and often permanent.
• Positive parenting is applicable to a vast array of challenges. Positive parenting applies to everyday challenges, as well as more frustrating and even severe issues. Positive parenting has been effectively used for dealing with temper tantrums, bedtime and eating issues, and sibling rivalry; as well as difficulties associated with divorce, ADHD, family stressors, teen pressures, and risk-taking—and much more.
• Positive parenting solutions are both abundant and accessible. Because positive parenting experts have tackled so many parenting issues, available resources are plentiful. Along with the many tips and suggestions contained in this article; there is a whole online library of positive parenting-related activities, workbooks, books, videos, courses, articles, and podcasts that cover a broad range of parenting topics.

Considering the many positive parenting solutions and resources currently available, parents can approach their role as teachers, leaders, and positive role models with confidence and optimism. And, ultimately, by consistently applying positive parenting strategies; parents will experience a deep and meaningful connection with their children that will last a lifetime. ?

We hope you enjoyed reading this article. Don’t forget to download our three Positive Parenting Exercises for free .

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• Seay, A., Freysteinson, W. M., & McFarlane, J. (2014). Positive parenting. Nursing Forum, 49 (3), 200–208.
• Sheryl Sandberg. Goodreads (2019). Retrieved from https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/girl-child
• Siegel, D. & Payne Bryson, T. (2016). No-drama discipline workbook: Exercises, activities, and practical strategies to calm the chaos and nurture developing minds. Eue Claire, WI: PESI, Inc.
• Steinberg, L., Elmen, J. D., & Mounts, N. S. (1989). Authoritative parenting, psychosocial maturity, and academic success among adolescents. Child Development, 60 , 1425-1436.
• Suárez, A., Rodríguez, J., & López, M. (2016): The Spanish online program “Educar en Positivo” (“The Positive Parent”): Whom does it benefit the most? Psychosocial Intervention, 25 (2), 119-26.
• The Quote Garden (1998-2019). Retrieved from http://quotegarden.com/
• van de Korput, J. (2012). The Brighter Futures Programme in Birmingham – An inspiring initiative with good results and failures. Retrieved from https://bernardvanleer.org/blog/brighter-futures-programme-birmingham-inspiring-initiative-good-results-failures/
• Warshak, R. (2004-2013). Retrieved from http://warshak.com/divorce-poison/index.html
• Warshak, R. (2010). Divorce poison: How to protect your family from bad-mouthing and brainwashing. New York, NY: HarperCollins Publishers, Inc.
• Webster-Stratton, C., & Reid, R., (2013): Long-term outcomes of incredible years parenting program: predictors of adolescent adjustment. Child and Adolescent Mental Health, 16 (1), 38–46.
• Wolchik, S., Sandler, I., Weiss, L., & Winslow, E. (2007). New Beginnings: An empirically-based program to help divorced mothers promote resilience in their children. Retrieved from https://www.researchgate.net/publication/232468945_ New_Beginnings_An_empirically-based_program_to_help_divorced_mothers_ promote_resilience_in_their_children
• Wolin, S., Desetta, A., & Hefner, K. (2000). Minneapolis, MN: Free Spirit Publishing.

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I am currently a student in occupational therapy and I am in the process of completing my dissertation for my degree, focusing on positive parenting and its impact on children with ADHD. Recently, I purchased a book that contained a QR code leading me to your article. Would it be possible to receive the DOI and the PDF of this article via email, please?

Thank you in advance for your assistance.

Best regards, Anis

While we don’t currently have an option to download or convert our posts to pdf, you are very welcome to reference the article as follows (APA 7): [author last name], [author initial]. (year, month day). Title. PositivePsychology.com. https://positivepsychology.com/URL/

Hope this helps!

Warm regards, Julia | Community Manager

Thank you for compiling this research. It was truly helpful in getting started on a positive path.

Hi there! I am writing a research paper on gentle parenting and the positive effects it has. Would you be able to send me your resource list for this article?

If you scroll to the very end of the article, you will find a button that you can click to reveal the reference list.

– Nicole | Community Manager

I am also writing a paper. When citing this article, should I use 2019 or 2023 as the date? Thank you!

You can reference this article in APA 7th as follows: Lonczak, H.S. (2019, May 08). Title. PositivePsychology.com. https://positivepsychology.com/positive-parenting/

Hope this helps! Kind regards, Julia | Community Manager

Great article. I really liked. I will share this article with my school.

I totally agree with many different points has written in this useful article, I spent several days to complete it,, but it was really worthy especially what you mentioned here about model of parenting. Thank your for all details and sources you wrote up there and waiting for your new things coming up.

i love your blog and always like new things coming up from it.

Positive parenting is key for a happy family! I totally agree that positive parenting promotes effective, joyful parenting of kids of all ages. The most important things about such a model of parenting are to know your kid’s friends, being a positive role model in terms of your own coping mechanisms and use of alcohol and medication, and building a supportive and warm relationship with your child. We are responsible for the future generation, therefore raising happy and good person is a must!

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6 Ways to Improve Your Parenting Skills

Steps You Can Take Right Now to Be a Better Parent

Cultura RM Exclusive / Erin Lester / Getty Images

• Listen to Your Kids

Stick to Your Rules

Be a good role model, control your emotions, be flexible, show lots of love.

Raising kids is never easy. In fact, it's often one of the most challenging—and frustrating—things you will ever do, especially because you are learning parenting skills as you go. No one goes into parenting knowing exactly how to handle everything that is thrown at them. But the best parents are always looking for ways to improve.

If you want to learn more about parenting, you've already made the first step toward becoming the best parent you can be. Clearly, you care about how you interact with and raise your kids ; that's likely the most important part of being a good parent.

Parents who struggle with their parenting responsibilities or feel too overwhelmed to try to improve may be negatively impacting their kids. Neuroscience research shows that when kids are exposed to negative experiences during their childhood, it can be harmful to their developing brains.

But being a good parent can offset those negative experiences—and enhancing your positive parenting skills is a great place to start. To help you work on consistently improving your parenting skills , view this parenting skill checklist of six things you can do right now to be a better parent to your kids.

Parenting Tips

• Listen to your kids
• Stick to your rules
• Be a good role model
• Control your emotions
• Be flexible
• Show lots of love

Listen to Your Kids 

Have you ever been so busy that you don't realize your kids are talking to you? Don't worry—it happens to the best of us. However, when you are spending time with your child, do your best to avoid distractions , including those intrusive thoughts about work, the laundry, or your phone that seems to be calling your name.

Make it a priority to know what your kids are hoping for, what they fear, and what they feel anxious about. Listen and ask questions, even if they ignore you or try to evade answering. When you demonstrate that you care, you are showing them that you love and value them and their thoughts and opinions.

Active listening also means you focus on what is being said without thinking about how you're going to respond. It's about watching body language and picking up on cues.

Another way to improve your listening skills is to get on your child's level so that you can look them in the eye. That may mean kneeling down so that you match their height. Give your kids your complete attention and make good eye contact.

Even reaching out and gently touching their arm or holding their hand when they're upset communicates not only that they have your full attention, but that you empathize with what they're feeling.

As a parent, it's your job to teach your kids the difference between right and wrong, which means you need to follow the rules, too. So, when you do something wrong, make a mistake, or lose your cool, fess up. Model how to apologize, take responsibility for your actions and make amends.

You also need to be sure your discipline is consistent but flexible. For instance, there will be times when you'll say no to your kids and mean it. There will be other times when you realize you've made a mistake or perhaps responded too harshly.

If you do change your rules, be sure you say, "I was wrong," and explain why you changed your mind. Also, remember that we all make mistakes. So, don't be afraid to admit that.

However, when the punishment fits the crime, stick to your guns. Kids notice inconsistencies and will use them in their favor. Remember, rules must be enforced after they are made. And whatever rules are set in your house , you need to follow them as well, unless you have a really good reason why you're excluded.

Don't do anything in front of your children that you wouldn't want them to do. If you find yourself exhibiting behavior that you don't want your child to mimic, then it's a sign you should change how you react in certain situations. Kids will copy what you do , not what you say.

Remember, your kids are watching you head off to work every day. They see you doing chores, making dinner , and paying the bills. As a result, it's important that they see you managing your responsibilities to the best of your abilities. Just remember, you aren't trying to be perfect, you're just teaching them about the importance of hard work , responsibility, and honesty.

If you lose your cool in front of your kids, they may become fearful or anxious, especially if they are younger. Whether you're arguing with a customer service representative on the phone or you're having a disagreement with your spouse , do your best to avoid exhibiting reactive, immature, or mean behavior in the presence of your children.

Anytime you lose control, yell, or argue with someone, you're showing your children this is how people react when times get tough. Instead, demonstrate how you can keep your cool and resolve problems in a calm manner. When you do, you're showing them what  emotional intelligence  looks like.

If you do blow up, be sure to apologize and take responsibility for your anger. Doing so is another way to model healthy behavior.

Sometimes parents struggle with unrealistic expectations and goals for both their kids and for themselves. When this happens, parenting can feel burdensome and overwhelming. If you find that you regularly feel that way, you may need to be more flexible when it comes to yourself, your kids, and your parenting.

Being a perfectionist parent is stressful. Not only do parents in this camp fear messing their kids up for life, but they also put extreme pressure on their kids to perform flawlessly. They also expect way too much of themselves.

Likewise, if you are a perfectionist, you may worry about what other parents think of you or that you will be shamed for your parenting . For instance, you might feel that your toddler isn't potty training fast enough or that your school-age kids aren't doing well enough in school. This kind of pressure can backfire, especially if your expectations set your child up to feel like a failure.

It's important to take a step back and reevaluate whether or not your expectations are realistic.

Likewise, learn to be more flexible and let go of things that don't matter in the long run. Both you and your kids will benefit from a more go-with-the-flow attitude.

There's no doubt that you love your kids, but how do you show them? Do you shower them with kisses and hugs as often as you can? Remember, embracing your child will make them feel safe and loved. So will holding their hand, stroking their hair, and kissing their cheek.

Another way to show love is to spend time together. This is a great way to show kids that they are a priority to you. Just don't forget to actively engage with them. This means putting down your phone and really engaging with your kids.

Also, initiate activities, such as playing board games, enjoying outdoor activities , or simply talking with your children to make the most of the time you have together. Showing interest in things that they are passionate about is another great way to show your kids that you love and understand them.

So, if your child loves basketball, watch a basketball-themed movie or play HORSE (a two-person basketball game) together. You could even watch March Madness or the NBA playoffs with them. Likewise, if your child likes painting, consider spending an hour painting with them or taking them to the art museum or an arts and crafts festival.

No matter what your kids' interests are, they can be a great vehicle for engaging with them. When you show you care about what your kids care about, that encourages them to be more compliant with your rules and lets them know that you love them.

A Word From Verywell

When it comes to parenting skills, remember that there's a difference between being a good parent and being a perfectionist. While it's important to improve your parenting skills and strive to be a good parent, don't beat yourself up when you make mistakes. No one is a perfect parent.

Additionally, making a mistake now and then is not going to harm your kids. Just own your mistakes, make amends if you need to, and move on. Instead, focus on being consistently there for your kids, setting boundaries and rules, and showing them that you love them.

Okafor M, Sarpong DF, Ferguson A, Satcher D. Improving health outcomes of children through effective parenting: Model and methods .  Int J Environ Res Public Health . 2013;11(1):296-311. doi:10.3390/ijerph110100296

By Katherine Lewis Katherine Reynolds Lewis is a journalist, author, speaker, and certified parent educator who writes about modern parenting and discipline. 

Daniel Wong

12 Effective Parenting Skills Every Parent Should Have (Backed by Science)

Updated on January 18, 2024 By Daniel Wong 31 Comments

Do you want to have good parenting skills?

Of course you do.

You want to help your children make the most of their potential, and you want them to be contributing members of society.

But it’s time-consuming to sift through all the parenting tips out there.

What makes it more confusing is that the tips from different “parenting experts” are often contradictory!

I wanted to know what parenting skills and tips have been proven to be effective. So I read through all the scientific articles I could find.

Based on many hours of research, I’ve come up with this list of 12 good parenting skills. (If you’d like to discover another three skills effective parents have, download the free bonus below.)

Enter your email below to download a PDF summary of this article. The PDF contains all the skills found here, plus 3 exclusive bonus skills that you’ll only find in the PDF.

Research-backed good parenting skills.

To become more effective as a parent, practise the skills that have been proven to get the best results.

These will become the parenting strengths you can then rely on to raise children who develop into confident, successful adults.

Parenting skill #1: Focus more on your children’s positive behaviour than negative behaviour.

Yale University psychology professor Alan Kazdin explains that parents should be intentional about focusing more on their children’s positive behaviour than on their negative behaviour. [1]

The more parents scold or reprimand, the more the bad behaviour gets repeated.

When they receive a lot of scolding, children start to internalise the belief that “I’m a bad child who misbehaves and gets scolded”.

As such, they don’t feel motivated to correct their behaviour, because it has already become a part of their identity.

Effective parents understand that the better approach is to acknowledge or describe their children’s good behaviour when they see it.

You may have to go out of your way to do this. (You can also check out these 50+ positive things to say to your children .)

Approach this with patience and dedication and you’ll observe your children’s behaviour improving over time.

Parenting skill #2: Teach your children to focus on the needs of others.

Lara Aknin’s research shows that children find happiness through giving to others. [2]

In fact, children find greater happiness when they give to others sacrificially .

These are interesting findings, because most of us are naturally self-centred. We look out for our own needs before the needs of others.

But the research indicates that if we overcome our selfish nature and focus on the needs of others, we’ll be happier.

If you want your children to lead joyful, fulfilling lives, teach them to serve others and contribute. Involve them in activities where they get to help others and make a positive impact.

When your children think more in terms of contribution and less in terms of achievement, they’ll be on the path of building a happy and successful life .

Parenting skill #3: Don’t shout at your children.

You’ve probably already told yourself that you shouldn’t shout at your children.

But when your children are driving you up the wall, it isn’t easy to stop yourself from yelling.

Ming-Te Wang’s research findings are clear: The more you shout at your children, the more their behaviour will worsen. [3]

Instead of trying to control your children’s behaviour, understand their perspective and feelings. Then use logical reasoning to get through to them.

To improve your parenting skills and better manage your anger, try these tips:

• Make a firm decision that you won’t shout at your children unless it’s a matter of safety
• Decide beforehand what you’ll do if you start to become angry
• Walk away from the situation if necessary
• Take five deep breaths when you become agitated
• Avoid using threats
• Analyse the role you have to play in the conflict
• Think about what unmet needs your child has, so that you can get to the root of the issue, e.g. he might feel as if he has no control over his life, which explains his rebellious or risky behaviour .

Parenting skill #4: Give your children responsibilities around the house.

The Harvard Study of Adult Development is one of the longest longitudinal studies ever done.

One finding of the study is that children who do more chores around the house become happier later on. [4]

Household responsibilities teach children important life lessons related to duty, cooperation, community and hard work.

People who learn such lessons early in life are more likely to become well-adjusted adults.

Successful parents make household chores a part of the family’s routine and culture. This sets children up for future success.

Parenting skill #5: Build a strong relationship with your spouse.

What does your marriage have to do with your parenting skills?

Children from low-conflict families are happier and more successful in the long run, as compared to children from high-conflict families. [5]

The research shows that parents who have a healthy marriage are more likely to raise children who are well-adjusted. Furthermore, you’ll set an example for when they start dating in high school .

One of the most important things you can do to benefit your children is to build a strong relationship with your spouse.

I don’t claim to be a marriage expert, but here are some pieces of advice I’ve received that have helped my wife and I to build a strong marriage:

• Focus on solving problems instead of assigning blame
• Remember that the relationship is more important than being right
• Whenever possible, sit side-by-side when you’re at a restaurant or café
• Make time to talk every day
• Ask “What can I give to the relationship?” more often than you ask “What can I get from the relationship?”
• Discuss your future plans together
• Don’t pick on your spouse’s flaws
• Compliment your spouse in front of other people
• Occasionally ask your spouse, “What can I do to be a better husband/wife?”
• Don’t compare your marriage with other people’s marriages
• Be kind and polite to your spouse

Parenting skill #6: Teach your children to view challenges positively.

Renowned psychologist Carol Dweck has spent decades trying to understand how your mindset affects how successful you become.

She has found that people who view challenges and obstacles positively are far more likely to become successful than those who don’t. [6]

Successful people look at challenges and think: “It’s going to be hard, but it’s going to be fun. I’m going to learn a lot through the process of overcoming these challenges.”

On the other hand, people who aren’t so successful look at challenges and think: “It’s going to be hard, so I’d rather do something easier. I’ll try to avoid these challenges, but if I really can’t I’ll find a shortcut instead.”

These differing attitudes develop in childhood and adolescence. As such, good parents hone their skill of enabling their children to view challenges positively.

Parenting skill #7: Don’t do things for your children that your children should do themselves.

Parents want their children to be responsible and independent.

But, at the same time, they feel the urge to supervise their children closely and do things for their children that their children ought to do themselves.

This explains the prevalence of helicopter parents .

Larry Nelson’s research shows that helicopter parenting causes children to become less engaged in school , and causes their well-being to suffer too. [7]

A good parenting skill to develop is how not to be a helicopter parent.

Here are some ways to ensure you don’t become a helicopter parent and instead develop parenting strengths:

• Don’t do things for your children that are their own responsibility
• Let your children make age-appropriate choices
• Let your children deal with the natural consequences of their choices
• As far as possible, refrain from saying “You’re too young to…”
• Don’t allow your children to become the centre of your universe
• Let your children fail
• Ask your children, “How do you think you might be able to solve the problem?”

Parenting skill #8: Help your children develop social skills.

Researchers tracked more than 750 children over a period of 13 to 19 years. They found a correlation between the children’s social skills as kindergarteners and how self-confident and successful they were as adults. [8]

These findings highlight the importance of teaching children social skills.

Here’s a list of social skills that you can help your children develop:

• Giving feedback
• Accepting differences
• Respecting others’ rights and property
• Identifying others’ feelings
• Seeing things from others’ perspective
• Making eye contact
• Managing negative emotions
• Not interrupting
• Resolving conflicts
• Disagreeing respectfully
• Cooperating
• Helping others
• Complimenting others
• Being polite
• Asking for help

In addition, here’s a handy resource that’s filled with activities to teach children social skills.

Parenting skill #9: Guide your children without controlling or micromanaging them.

Psychologist Diana Baumrind has done years of research about the effects of different parenting styles on children. [9]

She concluded that there are three types of parenting styles in general:

• Permissive : The parent is too lenient and gives in to the child’s unreasonable demands too often. The parent doesn’t set consistent boundaries or rules. Children with permissive parents often become “spoiled”.
• Authoritarian : The parent is too strict, and is frequently harsh and uncompromising. The parent often coerces or forces the child into doing things. Children with authoritarian parents often become resentful and rebellious in the long run.
• Authoritative : The parent is “just right”, showing warmth and affection toward the child without being indulgent. The parent sets boundaries for the child, but is willing to compromise or negotiate if the situation calls for it. All else being equal, children with authoritative parents are the most likely to lead happy, successful lives.

Furthermore, Wendy Grolnick’s research also indicates that children who are raised by controlling parents are less independent and are less likely to develop problem solving skills. [10]

Of course, it’s easier said than done for parents to adopt an authoritative parenting style all the time. But the research shows that this is the most effective approach to take.

So make an effort to guide and coach your children, without being controlling. This is a parenting skill that’s definitely worth developing!

(You can also look into educational coaching as a means to help your children become more proactive and self-motivated.)

Parenting skill #10: Give your children a sense of security.

Research by Lee Raby indicates that children who have a strong sense of security early on in life go on to perform better in school. These children also go on to have healthier relationships in adulthood. [11]

This may seem like an obvious finding, but it’s interesting to note that early experiences have such a profound impact on a child’s development.

To build on your parenting strengths and give your children a sense of security, do the following:

• Show affection toward them
• Appreciate them
• Treat them with respect
• Acknowledge their feelings
• Set consistent boundaries
• Give them your full attention when you’re with them
• Be approachable
• Remind them that you love them unconditionally
• Keep your promises
• Be dependable and trustworthy

Parenting skill #11: Help your children to develop resilience and perseverance.

Psychologist Angela Duckworth has found that grit – defined as “perseverance and passion for long-term goals” – is one of the most important traits that leads to success. [12]

When it comes to long-term success, the research indicates that grit is more important than factors like IQ and talent.

How can you master the parenting skills that will help your children develop grit?

Here are some suggestions:

• Emphasise progress over perfection
• Encourage them to take on manageable challenges
• Emphasise effort over outcome
• Model for them what it means to be gritty
• Show them that you’re continually taking risks and getting outside your comfort zone
• Talk about the challenges you face and what you’re doing to overcome them
• Focus more on contribution and less on achievement
• Let them make mistakes

Parenting skill #12: Manage your own stress effectively.

A fascinating study conducted by Marilyn Essex shows that parents’ stress can affect their children’s genes for many years into the future. [13]

This highlights how vital it is for parents to manage their own stress effectively.

Stress affects you, but it also affects your children!

I’ve heard it said that stress is a fact of life, but that it should never become a way of life.

Managing stress is a huge topic on its own. So if you’re under a lot of stress, I encourage you to check out this article and this article for practical tips on how parents can manage their stress better.

Improve your parenting skills and watch your children thrive

You’re committed to developing the skills needed to be a good, effective, and even world-class parent.

How do I know this?

You’ve made it to the end of this 2,000-word article. That’s something only committed parents would do. 🙂

As you implement the tips listed in this article, you’ll become a better parent .

(Download the free bonus below to learn three more skills you ought to develop.)

Over time, you’ll observe your children becoming more responsible , resilient and self-motivated.

And you won’t have to nag them anymore either.

Of course, this is a journey that will take time and effort. But it’ll be worth it!

Like this article? Share it with your friends.

August 14, 2018 at 4:46 pm

I like this tips I am a mother I have learnt a lot thanks

April 6, 2020 at 11:20 am

The parenting skills described are excellent tips. Giving such information might surely help motivated parents to inculcate such skills. As for Parenting Skill Trainers these are useful tips.

August 16, 2018 at 3:24 pm

Being a parent is one of the hardest things in the world. Reading this article , I now know where I have made mistakes and how I can now improve to be a better Mum.

October 30, 2018 at 7:37 pm

I can see using these skills to re-parent myself. Nice job.

October 8, 2018 at 2:51 pm

Thanks indeed,surely i learnt alot…..will mprove on my areas of weaknesses for better generation.

July 17, 2020 at 6:29 am

Very great and stimulating article. I have learnt new skills in parenting.

October 20, 2018 at 1:38 am

Very succinct. I have read many articles and books about parenting. This wonderful list is now a goto for me in the morning. It reminds me of what i want to stive for and helps me to set my parenting compass for the day. My kids are 6 and 8.

December 3, 2018 at 4:32 pm

Thanks for the efforts in putting this together,I have learnt few things from this and noted my area of weaknesses. I trust God to be a better parent.

January 20, 2019 at 2:05 am

Thank you for this valuable information and as an upcoming parent, I have realized what I was and how I have to be actually to be a parent in an effective way once again thank you for this info…

February 16, 2019 at 11:29 pm

Thanks for the information,it has helped I’ve seen my faults ill rectify them.

August 1, 2019 at 2:13 pm

am going to be a great parent

September 25, 2019 at 10:48 am

Thanks for this article I have learnt a lot

October 9, 2019 at 5:58 am

thanks i learn a lot from this article

October 14, 2019 at 10:12 pm

Thank you so much for the tips was so helpful

November 30, 2019 at 1:10 am

Is this article available in Spanish?

November 30, 2019 at 9:56 am

I’m very sorry, this article isn’t available in Spanish. Hopefully Google Translate would work okay for you for now?

January 5, 2020 at 5:19 pm

A very easy to read, compelling and informative article. The balance of what not to fo alongside the good advice determined through research is very helpful.

It is interesting that deliberate long term shaping of personality requires such counter intuitive behaviour – not simply allowing yourself the easiest way out or resorting to blame and punishment.

February 14, 2020 at 11:59 pm

HOW do I tell my 6yr daughter, who’s getting put words of put downs from a kid that she thought was her friend..? She does not want to tell the teacher because, she don”t want to get him in to trouble ?

April 1, 2020 at 3:59 am

Hello Dear My Son in now 18 but due to dyslexia he is not been able to read and write. 🙁 So can i do some thing for it now?

September 17, 2020 at 5:41 am

Yes, you can always learn to read it is never too late. Have been a reading teacher for many years (30)in the early grades in an inner city public school.Have also helped older students. Never give up, please. There are adult volunteer tutors for adults – try your local library. These adult volunteers are committed to helping individuals such as your son.Every person can read. So sorry that schools must have passed your son along. So unfortunate and unfair to your son. Never give up!

April 9, 2020 at 2:00 pm

Thank you for publishing this! It is indeed very challenging to be a parent esp on this day and age. This article really serves as a handy guide. Hope to see more posts. If I may also request parenting guide for teenagers.

July 18, 2020 at 11:40 am

Thanks a lot for the insights. i want to ask permission to cite this article in my book about my personal experience as a parent. I want to leave a legacy for my children and my grandchildren to remember me. ThAnks a lot. God bless and more power to you.

July 18, 2020 at 9:00 pm

You’re welcome, Jessie. Sure, feel free to cite this article in your book and please provide the link to this blog post when you cite it. All the best as you work on the book and may God bless you!

August 22, 2020 at 11:17 pm

Useful tips. Simple and expressive. Will be using and come back

December 16, 2020 at 3:49 pm

Thank you for this interesting article! It is very challenging to be a parent at this day and age. Your article is a wonderful guide. Thank you so much👌

May 20, 2021 at 2:17 pm

This is very useful and great post!

December 20, 2021 at 1:14 am

Good stuff, Daniel.

Very helpful.

February 6, 2022 at 2:33 pm

Great resource….. very helpful Thanks Osy

December 10, 2022 at 1:40 pm

Remarkable. These are sure ways in building children to be positive minded, resilient. self reliant and confident. Thanks

February 5, 2023 at 1:08 pm

Helpful article. Keep the good work!

February 17, 2023 at 12:51 am

Thanks for the great information!

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How to Be a Good Parent

Reviewed by Psychology Today Staff

There is no one right way to be a good parent, although there are many proven ways to be a flawed one, such as abuse, neglect, or overindulgence. A key challenge is resisting the urge to manage, guide, or control kids at all times, but research suggests that parents who give their children room to explore, grow, and, importantly, fail, may be serving them better. No parent should allow kids to put their health or safety at risk, or to allow core house rules to be flouted, especially when it comes to daily home and school responsibilities. But beyond that, building a home life that provides caring, consistency, choices, and consequences should go a long way toward a child’s social, emotional, and intellectual development—which should also lead to a stronger parent-child bond and happier child-raising years for everyone involved.

On This Page

• Making a Happy Home
• Avoiding Pitfalls
• Providing Emotional Support

A paradox of parenting is that kids typically need less from their mothers and fathers than the adults realize. What they need, though, is essential: Love, emotional security, conversation, validation, responsibilities, time outside, and opportunities to play and learn. Parents who can focus their attention on these baseline goals and avoid getting caught up in the minutiae of measuring minutes on screens or dictating which shirt gets worn to preschool, will find that they and their children will enjoy each other more , and that their kids will more quickly become comfortable with their own selves.

Daily routines, and regular rituals, can be a powerful way to bond with children and help them feel emotionally secure. Time spent each day reading together, listening to music, going outside, performing a simple chore, and especially a positive interaction to start the day and open time at bedtime to review the day and say goodnight, research finds, helps kids establish a stable, positive emotional outlook.

Research on the casual chitchat also known as banter has found that it is essential for children’s emotional development, and for their vocabulary. Informal talks with parents expand kids’ knowledge and skills, and has positive emotional and social effects that last into adulthood. Weekend plans, neighborhood news, funny memories, seasonal changes, to-do lists, dream recollections, and things that excite you are all valid topics for banter during quiet portions of the day.

There are reasons why younger kids don’t always cooperate with a parent’s requests, even if the parent doesn’t immediately recognize them as good reasons. A child deeply engaged with play, for example, may resist being called away to get dressed or come to dinner. To avoid conflict, a parent should observe what a child is involved in before demanding that they move away from it. It’s often helpful to talk to a child about what they’re doing, and even join them for a time, before requesting that they move on to a necessary task. Just five minutes of such “sensitive caregiving” can not only avoid resistance but help a child become better able to develop social competence.

Research suggests that it will. Many studies have found that dog ownership helps younger kids learn responsibility and empathy, and potentially even develop language skills. Recent research has also found that kids who live with a pet become less likely to have conduct problems or peer conflicts, with behavioral improvement averaging around 30 percent. The effect emerged simply by having a dog present in the home, and the results were even more striking when children were actively involved in walking and caring for the pet—although having a pet did not necessarily diminish the symptoms of clinically diagnosed emotional conditions.

In many cities and states, local laws prohibit children under a certain age from either staying home alone or being outside without an adult present. Many parents have protested such rules, arguing that kids entering the tween years should be allowed to be on their own if mothers and fathers determine that they’re responsible. This movement, often called free-range parenting , makes the case for overturning such laws to bring families more freedom, independence, trust, and joy, but while some municipalities have moved to amend their laws, many others have resisted.

It’s impossible for a parent to be perfect. Fortunately, it’s not that hard to be the right parent for your own child. Listening, being supportive, encouraging activity and creativity, and establishing a secure family structure all go a long way toward providing the kind of childhood that help kids thrive. Unfortunately, even in the pursuit of these goals, parents can go too far by overscheduling kids, micromanaging them, refusing to recognize learning or emotional struggles for what they are, modeling unhealthy responses to stress, violating boundaries, or criticizing kids or comparing them to others—even siblings—out of frustration.

In a word, no, and no child can be perfect, either. But parents who believe perfection is attainable, in themselves or their kids, often struggle to take any joy in their role, or to provide joy to their children. It’s easy for a parent to become self-critical and beat themselves up over opportunities they didn’t offer their kids, or for not pushing them hard enough. But an intense, overscheduled childhood may not be the right one for your child. Being a “good enough” parent , many experts suggest, is sufficient to raise children who are decent and loving, confident enough to pursue their interests, and able to fail.

It shouldn’t be. Many parents believe they should control children at all times, directing them to fit their own vision of what type of person they should become. Such parents may be shocked and angered when children resist such pushing, leading to power struggles and potentially years of conflict. Parents who instead focus on baseline expectations and standards for responsibility and routines, and stick to them, while working to understand their children’s temperament and emotional needs, can form a connection with their kids and work with them to discover and pursue their own interests.

In many families, one parent emerges as the “fun one,” or the “good cop,” with the other wedged into the role of the serious one, or the “bad cop.” Not only does this generate a potentially unhealthy family dynamic, it can also strain a couple’s relationship. Partners who discuss their values, and each other’s priorities as parents, can face their children with more confidence, divide responsibilities more evenly, and approach children with consistency.

It can be tricky for parents of young children to recognize when a child is acting out and when there is a valid reason for what appears to be unwelcome behavior. For example, a child may become overstimulated or feel rushed during a busy day; become angry because they’re hungry; struggle to express “big feelings”; react to a long period of physical inactivity with high energy and a need to play; or become frustrated by a parent’s inconsistent limits. Taking a step back to evaluate whether a child’s behavior may be caused by a factor outside their direct control can go a long way toward keeping parents from punishing children who may not deserve it.

Ideally, a responsible one. Surveys suggest that well over 90 percent of children have an online presence by age 2—often their own Instagram or Facebook accounts (created and maintained by their parents). “ Sharenting ,” or sharing news or images of a child, can provide parents with social validation and the support of an online community. But as kids enter the tween and teen years they may push back and feel exposed or embarrassed by what their parents have posted, leading to family conflict. Parents should understand the privacy settings of all their social media platforms, consider whether a particular photo may eventually embarrass a child and as kids get older, ask for their approval before sharing anything online.

When a parent is anxious or worried, a child may become anxious as well. Parents who talk about adult worries with kids, fail to model or teach coping skills, or who are unreliable or fail to keep promises, can drive anxiety in their sons and daughters. But parents who swoop in to eliminate any source of anxiety, by, for example, taking over difficult tasks, can also inadvertently raise kids who may struggle to cope with challenges or stress. Parents who make time to listen, take children’s concerns seriously, provide consistent support, step back and let kids solve problems on their own (or not), and allow ample free time for play, can help children thrive.

For more, see Children and Anxiety

Children may feel anxious in a variety of situations—at the doctor’s office, at a birthday party, before a test, or in a storm—and look to parents for help. Unfortunately, simply telling them to “calm down” likely will not work. But encouraging them to calm themselves by taking slow, deep breaths, chewing gum or singing, talking openly about their worries and naming them, or finding humor in the situation can help them get through it and be better prepared to handle future stressors.

When kids are feeling stress, parents can easily become anxious as well, but mothers and fathers should aim to avoid displaying it, or “ mood matching ,” which may only amplify a child’s stress. Keeping calm and grounded, perhaps through the application of mindfulness techniques, can help parents remain a source of support even in difficult moments.

Younger children feel emotions deeply, but their emotions may also change quickly, sometimes shocking parents and making them feel helpless. A child may have a limited ability to control their emotions, but a parent can help them develop the competence they need to manage their feelings themselves, and gain confidence and self-esteem in the process. An important step is to help children identify and talk about negative emotions like sadness or anger and not deny or suppress them.

Highly sensitive children may struggle with their feelings more than other kids, become more easily overwhelmed, or take setbacks more personally. Parents who can successfully manage their own emotions can help a sensitive child by creating a calm environment at home, maybe in one specific place; focusing on the child’s strengths while accepting their struggles as part of the mix; and working with the child to recognize their triggers and the most effective ways to respond.

Too often, children who are depressed don’t tell their parents about it; two out of three parents admit that they worry they wouldn’t recognize depression in a child , and clinicians find that children often report having symptoms for two to three years before they get help. Many kids avoid talking about depression at home because they think a parent won’t listen, will just tell them it’s temporary, or try to fix it quickly like a boo-boo. Other kids keep quiet because they want to protect their parents’ feelings. Creating a home where difficult feelings can be talked about and respected is an important step toward children feeling comfortable enough to speak about anything, including depression.

The idea of bringing a child to a psychologist is scary for many parents, but they should not see it as a personal failure but an active and positive step toward helping their child get the help they need. And as the experts on their family, parents should work to find someone they believe their child (and themselves) will be comfortable with. Parents should ask potential providers about their typical approach, how closely they involve parents in therapy, how to talk about it with their child, and how soon they should expect improvement.

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What’s positive parenting? 10 tips for navigating parenthood

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What’s positive parenting?

7 benefits of positive parenting, 10 positive parenting tips, examples of positive parenting, positive parenting benefits everyone.

Parenting is easy — said no one ever. 

You want to be the best parent, but there’s no step-by-step manual, and making the right decisions is never clear-cut. Positive daily choices require consistency, self-discipline, and care — not to mention a lot of patience. 

Positive parenting is a framework for nurturing healthy behaviors in your children without losing sight of your own wellness . It helps set the foundation to build sustainable parent-child bonds and avoid stressful family conflicts.

And this framework provides your children with the tools necessary to build valuable interpersonal skills , create healthy relationships, and positively contribute to their communities.

Positive parenting is an approach to raising children that focuses on developing strong emotional connections and helping children embrace themselves.

Research from Austrian psychologist Alfred Adler, founder of the school of individual psychology, set the stage for positive parenting in the 1900s. He specifically explored the role of parenting in the prevention of future psychological problems — and how positive parenting helps kids thrive.

It’s a parenting style that includes activities, attitudes, and behaviors that encourage positive child development. This positive atmosphere supports effective parenting, helping children flourish as young individuals and act responsibly in their community as they grow. 

A positive atmosphere doesn’t mean a free-for-all. Positive parenting consists of a mixture of authoritative parenting and positive reinforcement . This means striking a balance between being assertive of values without acting domineering and staying consistent with rules and discipline while being responsive to your child’s specific developmental needs. 

To build your own routines and parenting practices, it’s essential to understand a few core principles of positive parenting techniques:

A safe and engaging environment: Creating a safe and supervised environment is essential to encouraging positive play, experimentation, and exploration. Studies show that clear rules are crucial to maintaining safe spaces that promote healthy development. 

A positive learning environment: You’re your child’s most influential teacher. And positive parenting strategies are most effective in supportive environments that reinforce the value of learning healthy behaviors and new skills. Positive reinforcement, like showing gratitude and recognizing desired behaviors , can help bolster self-control and self-confidence in learning .

Assertive discipline: In your professional life, you might have protocols to deal with specific situations. Raising children gets hectic, and a set process for specific circumstances can help you overcome challenges as they arise.

Learning to set boundaries , offer clear and calm communication, and develop logical consequences to actions are a few ways to provide healthy discipline and avoid feeling overwhelmed .

• Realistic expectations: Patience and self-regulation are vital parenting skills. All children learn at their own speed, and setting realistic expectations for their capabilities helps you step back and see the bigger picture during tantrums and other parenting challenges. 

Parental self-care: Active parenting doesn’t start and stop with taking care of your child’s needs. Self-care offers you the energy, mental strength, and positive attitude you need to teach good behavior. Be conscientious about prioritizing your wellness. 

Regular meditation , active hobbies , and healthy nutrition are just a few strategies to be the best version of yourself, allowing you to handle challenges more positively. It’s com mon for parents to struggle with guilt when prioritizing themselves, but your positive habits and attitude will rub off on your child’s behaviors.

Consistent and mindful parenting helps kids grow into well-rounded and considerate young adults. That doesn’t mean it’s an easy journey. When the going gets tough, here are a few benefits to keep in mind to help you be the best parent you can be. 

1. Encourages positive skill building

An obvious objective of positive parenting is encouraging better behavior. This practice focuses on reinforcing good behavior instead of punishing bad behavior, which helps children understand what you expect of them and encourages them to embrace healthy habits . 

Positive reinforcement emphasizes choice, which can facilitate an internal locus of control . When children choose to exercise desirable behaviors and receive praise and recognition as a reward, they may feel more in control of their actions.

And people who feel more in control of their life tend to have a stronger sense of personal responsibility and accountability . This self-efficacy will likely have a positive impact throughout their life, encouraging them to set goals and put in the work to achieve them . 

2. Better mental well-being

No matter what good parenting looks like in your family, your relationship with your child plays a key role in brain development . Warm and supportive parenting positively affects behavioral and psychological development, influencing mental health and wellness throughout a child’s lifetime.

Positive parenting also promotes soft skills like playfulness, curiosity, and empathy . These invaluable transferable skills set your child up for success in their continued personal and professional development . 

3. Improved brain health

Studies show that children raised in stressful environments have an increased risk of depression, anxiety, and other behavioral problems later in life. Chronic stress can reduce the size of the hippocampus , an area of the brain important to learning and memory.

Parents who use positive parenting solutions to problem-solve and reinforce good behavior help children develop resilience and positive coping mechanisms to common stressors , like illness or relationship troubles. 

4. A closer relationship with your child

Healthy interpersonal relationships are built on trust , whether it’s a manager-teammate or parent-child connection. Openness and compassion create a safe space that helps children connect and be comfortable feeling vulnerable . 

As your child matures and develops their unique identity, the foundation of trust you build can foster self-acceptance and self-esteem . Positive reinforcement and empathy signal that they can turn to you for advice throughout their life, continuously strengthening your relationship. 

5. Guides romantic relationships

Studies show that parenting styles impact a child’s future romantic relationships . Children who receive consistent praise and positive physical touch tend to experience higher relationship satisfaction than those who experience more aggressive parenting.

Romantic relationships play a key role in life satisfaction . Healthier partnerships can lead to more relatedness and general fulfillment. And your parenting approach demonstrates acceptable and undesirable relationship dynamics. Consistent open communication and boundary setting might encourage your children to learn and use the same relationship-building skills . 

6. Fosters healthy communication skills

Positive parenting creates an open dialogue between you and your child, making space to talk about positive and negative emotions . This open communication encourages your child to talk about their feelings , which teaches them that it’s normal and healthy to express emotions. 

Modeling and reinforcing healthy communication also teaches children vital emotional intelligence skills like active listening , respect, and self-reflection . These skills extend far beyond the family unit, helping your child succeed in their personal and professional relationships later in life. 

7. Parental well-being

Between professional development, household chores, and life’s unexpected challenges, it’s easy to place your well-being at the end of your to-do list. Positive parenting can help reduce stress by encouraging calm and open communication, which may lead to fewer power struggles and conflicts. And seeing your child’s positive development can also boost your confidence in your parenting capabilities. 

Positive parenting also emphasizes the need for a self-care plan . When you’re in a healthy emotional state, you can share the good vibes with your family, so remember to prioritize your wellness as much as your kid’s soccer schedule.

There’s no “right” way to parent, as each child requires flexibility and unique learning strategies. But here are 10 simple positive parenting tips that’ll be effective in most scenarios. 

• Encourage children to openly express their positive and negative feelings without fear of judgment or punishment
• Acknowledge and validate emotions, illustrating that it’s normal and okay to have a wide range of feelings
• Use active listening skills to show sincere interest in your child’s thoughts and experiences by setting aside time for listening, mainta ining eye contact , and asking clarifying questions
• Provide specific, genuine praise to support their efforts and encourage continued learning
• Use your actions to teach children how to treat and communicate with others
• Give them opportunities to act independently to bolster their self-reliance, like dressing themselves, completing family chores on their own, and preparing their own breakfast
• Consistently enforce rules and boundaries to create structure and teach self-control
• Prioritize quality time with one-on-one and family bonding activities to foster trust and positivity
• Be kind but firm about rules and consequences to establish clear expectations of acceptable and unacceptable behaviors
• Set aside time to relax and practice self-care, whether it’s a weekly book club, daily swim, or nightly skin routine

Being a child’s caregiver is a 24/7 job filled with opportunities to practice positive parenting. Here are a few examples: 

• Your child is upset: You attentively listen to your child recount a difficult day at school. You set aside potential distractions, nod along, and ask open-ended questions to help them express themselves. You validate how they feel and express how you appreciate that they shared this information with you, making them feel valued and understood. 
• A conflict arises over technology time: Your child wants to spend the weekend playing video games despite an established two-hour rule. You acknowledge their frustration, explain the importance of balancing video games with other activities, and remind them of the rule. You also give them suggestions for other activities, like riding their bike or reading a book. Your rule enforcement helps build respect for boundaries and teaches other skills, like time management . 
• Your child leaves toys all over the living room despite agreeing to tidy up: Rather than scolding, you put a positive spin on discipline. Positive discipline examples include setting clear “when and then” expectations (When you clean your toys, you can play with your video games), validating their feelings (I understand that cleaning up isn’t very fun, but everyone must help around the house), and positive reinforcement (I really appreciate you helping me keep the place clean). 

There’s no such thing as being a perfect parent. But it’s never a bad idea to learn better techniques to deal with the challenges of raising children. 

Positive parenting focuses on creating a positive environment for the entire family. It fosters deeper communication and trust, allowing your child to become the best version of themself, whatever they decide that means. And while the going will sometimes get tough, you’ll be able to channel a positive vibe to get through it all as a family.

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Elizabeth Perry is a Coach Community Manager at BetterUp. She uses strategic engagement strategies to cultivate a learning community across a global network of Coaches through in-person and virtual experiences, technology-enabled platforms, and strategic coaching industry partnerships. With over 3 years of coaching experience and a certification in transformative leadership and life coaching from Sofia University, Elizabeth leverages transpersonal psychology expertise to help coaches and clients gain awareness of their behavioral and thought patterns, discover their purpose and passions, and elevate their potential. She is a lifelong student of psychology, personal growth, and human potential as well as an ICF-certified ACC transpersonal life and leadership Coach.

Improve these 12 parenting skills and watch your kids thrive

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Top 10 Parenting Tips

Parenting is one of life’s most rewarding yet challenging experiences, where the quest for perfection often overshadows the essence of the journey. Let’s explore the top 10 parenting tips supported by science to guide you through raising a child. These tips range from being a responsive and empathic guardian to understanding the significance of emotional regulation and the parent-child relationship.

Table of Contents

How to be a good parent?

To be a good parent, strive to make decisions in your child’s best interest.

Being a good parent doesn’t mean being a perfect parent. No parent is perfect. No child is perfect, either. Striving for “perfect” parenting sets you and your child up for disappointment. 

Love, connection, understanding, and enjoying the journey are the most important things. Both you and your child are learning and growing together, and embracing imperfection paves the way for a more joyful and fulfilling experience.

What are good parenting tips?

Here are the top 10 parenting tips supported by research to help guide your parenting strategies.

1. Be a responsive parent

Substantial research has been conducted on the effects of parenting styles on child development. Studies found that warm and responsive parenting in early childhood can help children develop a secure attachment, laying the foundation for the child’s social competence, emotional well-being, and physical health.

The attachment theory developed by psychiatrist John Bowlby and psychologist Mary Ainsworth suggests that securely attached children tend to have a positive self-image and view of others. This positive perspective allows children to develop trust, self-esteem, emotional regulation, empathy, and resilience, which are essential for a healthy and successful life ahead.

Here are ways to be responsive to your child’s emotional needs.

• Be warm and kind : Even if you have high expectations for your child, you can be kind and firm.
• Validate their emotional experience : Acknowledge, rather than dismiss, their feelings.
• Emotion-coach : Teach your child to recognize and name their feelings.
• Attune and co-regulate : Help them calm down when upset.

2. Help your child develop emotional regulation

Emotional regulation is a crucial skill that supports a child’s well-being in many ways:

• Boosts self-esteem and confidence : Children who manage emotions feel capable and have higher self-esteem.
• Fosters healthy relationships : Children interact positively and show empathy.
• Develops empathy and compassion : Children who recognize and understand their own emotions can better identify emotions in others. This builds empathy as they realize other people have feelings, too.
• Improves academic success : Children can focus and handle challenges like test anxiety.
• Enhances problem-solving and decision-making : Children can choose more rationally between decision-making options.
• Promotes mental health : Children cope better with stress and are more resilient.
• Prevents risky behaviors : Children make healthier choices and less impulsive acts.
• Helps physical health : Children are healthier.

3. Prioritize parent-child relationship

The parent-child relationship is a critical aspect that often gets overlooked amidst the hustle of daily life. It’s easy to focus on obedience, discipline, and academic achievements and forget that the heart of parenting is building a loving, trusting relationship.

The Harvard Grant Study, a groundbreaking research started in 1938, followed 268 male Harvard undergraduates, including notable figures like John F. Kennedy, over seventy years. This extensive study recorded their physical and emotional health, successes, and failures. 

The findings were compelling – the key to a happy, successful life lies in strong, healthy family relationships. Researchers found that a nurturing and accepting childhood was a significant predictor of adult achievements, overall well-being, and life satisfaction.

A strong bond with your child isn’t at odds with teaching discipline; it reinforces it. 

Discipline is about guiding and nurturing prosocial behavior, not about being strict or harsh. A positive, supportive relationship with your child is a powerful tool in fostering good behavior, not a hindrance. 

Prioritizing your relationship allows you to raise a child who respects you and genuinely loves and connects with you.

4. Use kind and firm inductive discipline

Discipline your child by setting clear boundaries, explaining the reasons behind rules, discovering the reasons behind misbehavior, and allowing safe, natural consequences. By being kind and firm and guiding your child to understand the consequences of their actions, you help them learn self-discipline and responsibility without hurting the relationship. 

Multiple studies have found the benefits and effectiveness of inductive discipline . For instance, a 2013 study published in Developmental Psychology showed that children with mothers who used inductive discipline had fewer behavioral problems than those who didn’t.

5. Be consistent

Establish clear and age-appropriate rules and explain why these rules matter. Enforce them consistently with warmth and firmness. Consistency helps children understand what’s expected, builds trust, and teaches them about cause and effect.

6. Support autonomy

An autonomy-supportive parent nurtures intrinsic motivation in children. 

According to the self-determination theory proposed by Deci and Ryan in the 1970s, autonomy is one of humans’ three fundamental psychological needs. The theory suggests that allowing children to make choices within safe boundaries can foster intrinsic motivation, a sense of ownership in their decisions, and internalization of values.

According to a longitudinal study published in the Journal of Personality in 2005, autonomy support is associated with better academic achievement and social adjustment in children.

Another study by Ghent University in 2015 found that parents supporting autonomy was associated with better emotional regulation, increased self-esteem, and decreased depressive symptoms in children.

Furthermore, providing children with autonomy allows them to develop independence over time.

7. Pick your battle

Don’t sweat the small stuff. It’s impossible to correct every behavior. Focus on the issues that truly matter for your child’s safety, health, and values. Let minor frustrations slide. This reduces tension and builds a stronger parent-child bond.

In addition, not achieving immediate results in behavior change doesn’t imply that your child will never learn the desired behavior. Change takes time and consistency. Like learning to write or ride a bike, mastering new behaviors takes practice and patience.

Every interaction, whether guiding or problem-solving together, is a lesson for your child to absorb. Your patience and understanding nurture their trust and eagerness to learn.

8. Reflect On Your Own Childhood

If you have ever wondered why you react in certain ways when it comes to parenting, examining your own childhood may provide an answer. Research shows that how we were raised often influences how we raise our own children. 

A 2004 study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family followed 2,338 adolescents for over two decades and confirmed that parenting patterns are often repeated across generations. This doesn’t imply blind repetition but relatively unconscious patterns or learned behaviors that resurface when we take on the role of parent.

By reflecting on your upbringing, you can uncover the reasons behind your parenting behaviors and feelings, providing a clearer pathway to addressing and potentially altering these patterns to improve your parenting approach.

9. Remember self-care

Parents tend to overlook their own needs or the health of their marriage following a child’s birth. Neglecting these aspects can lead to more significant issues in the future. Stressed parents are prone to conflicts and cannot readily attend to their children’s emotional needs.

Therefore, prioritize your self-care and personal relationships. Reach out to friends and families for help if needed.

10. Be a good role model

Your actions speak louder than words. Children learn by watching you. Model the kindness, responsibility, and problem-solving skills you want them to develop. If you make a mistake, own up to it. This shows them it’s okay to be imperfect and that we all learn from our experiences.

For instance, if you are angry and want to yell at your child, consider if that is what you want your child to do when they are angry. 

Being a good role model for your child is important because parents are children’s first teachers. Kids watch their parents carefully and learn from them.

For example, a 2014 study conducted by the University of Minnesota revealed that children observed and emulated their parents’ eating behaviors. The study found that when parents modeled eating fruits and vegetables, especially at snack times and during meals, their children were more likely to consume the recommended amounts of these foods.

Therefore, model the behavior you want your child to learn.

References for Parenting Tips

• 1. Choe DE, Olson SL, Sameroff AJ. The interplay of externalizing problems and physical and inductive discipline during childhood. Developmental Psychology . Published online 2013:2029-2039. doi:https://doi.org/10.1037/a0032054
• 2. Brenning K, Soenens B, Van Petegem S, Vansteenkiste M. Perceived Maternal Autonomy Support and Early Adolescent Emotion Regulation: A Longitudinal Study. Social Development . Published online January 15, 2015:561-578. doi:https://doi.org/10.1111/sode.12107
• 3. Chen Z, Kaplan HB. Intergenerational Transmission of Constructive Parenting. J of Marriage and Family . Published online February 2001:17-31. doi:https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2001.00017.x
• 4. Draxten M, Fulkerson JA, Friend S, Flattum CF, Schow R. Parental role modeling of fruits and vegetables at meals and snacks is associated with children’s adequate consumption. Appetite . Published online July 2014:1-7. doi:https://doi.org/10.1016/j.appet.2014.02.017

Disclaimer: The content of this article is intended for informational purposes only and should not be considered medical advice. Always consult your healthcare provider for medical concerns.

How To Be An Effective Parent: Parenting Styles And Tips

Before your child is in your care, be it through birth, adoption, or another method, you may wonder whether you’re going to be an effective parent. Raising a tiny human can be intimidating, and while no parent will be perfect, you can take steps to equip yourself with tools that can help you become a positive force in your child’s life. When preparing for parenthood , it may be helpful to have insights about different parenting styles psychology , research-backed parenting advice , tips, and other resources for parenting for further support such as online therapy. Read on to learn more.

Parenting styles

As you research good or gentle parenting practices to determine what makes a good parent , you may come across information about certain  parenting styles that many adults use, knowingly or otherwise, when raising their children. Before we get into the research-backed tips, understanding these different parenting styles and knowing the most effective parenting style can be helpful.

While all of these parenting styles are present in our society, some are seen as more beneficial to children than others. There are four widely recognized styles:

Authoritarian parenting

For parents who use the authoritarian style, they generally value obedience over all else and rarely give their child any say in how problems are dealt with. These types of parents will typically set rules that children must follow without question. If a child breaks a rule, they frequently punish rather than using a different form of discipline. This style of parenting can have negative consequences .

Permissive parenting

Permissive parenting is generally defined by a lack of firm rules or guidance for kids. A parent may see the child as more of a friend, and their behavior will usually reflect that relationship. Parents utilizing the permissive style may be overall very tolerant and accommodating when it comes to what the child wants to do. With this style, the parents may be caring and available, but they may not help kids with developing positive habits or good behavior.

Uninvolved parenting

Uninvolved parenting is, in many ways, what it sounds like. This parenting style typically applies to a parent who may not provide necessary emotional support or encouragement, may not set rules or boundaries, and generally places very few demands on the child. Without proper parental guidance, the child is often left to figure things out on their own.

Authoritative parenting

Authoritative parenting is characterized by positive reinforcement, nurturing, respect for the child, and rationality. This type of parenting is a more moderate approach, taking positive qualities from the other styles and combining them. Authoritative parenting emphasizes good communication between children and parents as well as empathy toward the child’s emotions. It’s a balanced approach where you show interest in your kids’ lives, give them autonomy, and provide them with guidance. Of the four styles, this one is the most frequently recommended by experts. Research shows that children raised this way are more likely to become independent, academically successful, and well-behaved.

Research-backed parenting tips

Given the many different things that can play into ideas about parenting, it may be tough to identify what matters most.

Here are some research-backed parenting tips to consider:

Spend more time reinforcing good behavior and effort

Some parents may think that the only thing keeping their children from behaving poorly is the fear of punishment. Discipline is indeed important, and you may need rules (and fair consequences for breaking them), but some research shows that  children respond better to praise than they do to discipline. If you praise more than you punish, it may allow your child to learn what is expected of them and choose constructive behavior instead. 

It is also thought that praising  effort rather than ability may be more beneficial. For example, you might praise a child for putting time into their homework instead of telling them how smart they are for completing it.

Lead by example

Many children may frequently observe their parents, and as they grow up, they may start to emulate their parents’ behaviors, relationships, and conversational styles. When a parent’s behaviors are healthy, this can be a good thing. However, when the behaviors are unhealthy, these things may rub off on the child in negative ways. The child may incorporate these actions or behaviors into their life, and it may affect how they feel about themselves, their confidence, and more.

One such example is negative parental self-talk and body image.  Researchers note that hearing families speak negatively about their own bodies and appearances was “inversely related to mindful eating and positive body image.” Children with parents who speak negatively about their own bodies and appearances may be more likely to have a negative body image themselves and may internalize harmful messages that can impact their health. To help cultivate a positive body image, consider highlighting that people come in all shapes and sizes when the topic comes up—and try to focus on what the body can do rather than how it looks.

Another example is apologizing when you need to. No parent is perfect, and the time will likely come when you need to say, “I’m sorry,” to or in front of your child. Not only may this give them closure, but it may teach them to apologize to others when needed, too.

Provide a stable environment for your child

A stable environment can help your child to grow and develop in healthy ways. Children may feel unsafe when things aren’t predictable, and they may struggle if there is no routine. An environment that is safe and allows them to be creative, learn, grow, and be loved unconditionally can help them thrive. 

It can be easy to get caught up in the small stuff; but at the end of the day, peaceful parenting is providing a stable home environment, ensuring they are safe, showing them affection, creating stable routines, and giving them room to be themselves can make a huge impact in their lives.

Practice self-care

Raising a child involves ensuring they are properly cared for, but it is important to look after your own mental and physical well-being too. In fact, the  American Psychological Association notes the importance of parents taking care of themselves, both for the parent and the child.

This means practicing self-care regularly and reaching out for additional support so that you can take a break to recharge when needed. Some things, like affording a babysitter, aren’t viable for everyone, but there are many ways to practice self-care in even small, simple steps. For instance, maybe sometimes, self-care means creating a few minutes of silent reading time for both you and your child/children, where you choose to read something that you enjoy while your child does the same.

Financial matters, stress, and mental or physical health concerns can all have an impact on your quality of life. Support from the people around you can do wonders. Know that your needs matter and don’t hesitate to reach out for help when you need it.

Whether you want to speak about your own mental health, talk about parenting concerns, or address something else that’s affecting you and your life, the support of a professional therapist can help.

Online therapy can allow you to be in a safe space that’s solely for you and your mental health at a time that is convenient for you. It can be a way to care for yourself, which can be advantageous not just for you but for your family, too. Being a parent can be busy; online therapy through BetterHelp allows you to get care according to your schedule. 

Research shows that online therapy can bring improvements for parents in mood, coping skills, and more. For instance, one  study showed that online-delivered therapy had “positive effects” on parents’ psychological flexibility, emotional management mood, and coping skills. 

What are five positive parenting skills?

There are many positive parenting skills, but they tend to surround core skills like demonstrating understanding, showing warmth, and using discipline that does not rely on harsh punishment. Five skills known to be effective are summarized below: 

• Understand the Behavior. Children use behavior to communicate; there is always something motivating undesired or disruptive behavior. Ask yourself what the child is trying to accomplish and how they would phrase their needs if they had the verbal skills and emotional awareness to do so. 
• Maintain Consistency. Maintain consistent rules and expectations, even if that means not giving in to a request for more screen time or making sure there is enough time for a child to make their bed during a morning routine. Similarly, try to keep schedules and bedtimes consistent across weekends and weekdays. 
• Limit Tangible Rewards. Tangible rewards, like small toys, trinkets, or treats, can produce entitled attitudes in children when over-used as a way to manage behavior. Use tangible rewards sparingly and instead offer praise and encouragement to reinforce good behavior. 
• Maintain Self-Control. You are the adult, and you are responsible for modeling and enforcing good behavior. Children’s conduct is rarely acceptable if their parent or caregiver demonstrates problematic behavior. 
• Avoid Punitive Discipline. Discipline is intended to correct problematic behavior, but evidence suggests that good parenting practices avoid discipline that induces blame, shame, or pain. Teach through instructions and offer children opportunities to correct their actions when possible. 

What are effective parenting practices?

Effective parenting practices are those that reinforce the behavior that is expected of a child while correcting undesired behavior. Effective practices also build a child’s confidence while supporting healthy child development. The most effective methods are based on redirection, instruction, and modeling of appropriate behavior rather than using blame, shame, or pain to punish undesired behavior. 

While some parents believe punishment and punitive discipline is effective, it usually only works in the short term. Punishment often does little to teach good long-term behavioral practices. Evidence suggests that children whose parents only punish bad behavior without encouraging or supporting good behavior are likely to teach their children to get better at hiding bad behavior rather than motivating them to adopt good behaviors. 

What is an example of an effective parenting practice?

There are many examples of effective parent practices , mostly centered around gentle discipline, praising good behavior, and avoiding harsh punishment. A few common examples of effective parenting are listed below: 

• Responding to children in a predictable, consistent manner. 
• Communicating warmly and sensitively. 
• Enforcing consistency with daily routines and household rules. 
• Having discussions with children to help them understand the rationale for behavioral expectations. 
• Providing an environment where children know they are safe, healthy, and safeguarded by responsible adults.  

What are the 4 Cs of good parenting?

The four C’s of good parenting usually refer to caring, consistency, choices, and consequences . Good parents show acceptance to their children, and they show they care through positive feedback and physical signs of love. They understand that positive interactions promote appropriate discipline and always try to approach their children with kindness. Good parents are also consistent, meaning they keep their children on a stable routine and create a predictable environment for their children. 

Good parents also understand that helping children become independent means letting them make choices about their own well-being in a developmentally appropriate way. Younger kids might be given a choice about something benign, like which article of clothing they’d like to wear, while older children and teens are often given opportunities to make much more impactful decisions. 

Finally, good parents enforce consequences. Consequences can be either positive or negative; positive consequences are typically called rewards, and negative consequences are referred to as punishments. However, it is important to avoid punitive punishment, which is a punishment that relies on blame, shame, or pain to change a child’s behavior. An example of a negative consequence while parenting positively might be taking away a privilege until the child demonstrates appropriate behavior to earn it back. 

What is the most successful parenting approach?

Evidence suggests that parents who avoid harsh punishment and proactively fulfill their children’s emotional needs are most likely to be successful. While no two children are exactly alike, a positive approach will likely yield the most effective results. Other parents may think differently, and many parents believe they have all the answers, but the evidence shows the most substantial support for parenting approaches that rely on positivity, validation, and praise rather than anger and punishment. 

What is the best parenting style?

The main parenting styles referenced in child psychology are based on the work of Diana Baumrind, a developmental psychologist who categorized parenting approaches into four broad styles , outlined below: 

• Permissive Parenting. The permissive style puts the child in charge. Parents rarely enforce rules and often indulge a child to avoid conflict. 
• Neglectful Parenting. Neglectful parents are mostly uninvolved in their child’s life. They provide little nurturing or guidance and likely don’t respond to their child’s emotional needs. 
• Authoritarian Parenting. The opposite of permissive parenting. Parents set strict rules with typically harsh punishments. They don’t usually communicate why they picked the rules they did, expecting their child to obey without question. 
• Authoritative Parenting. Not to be confused with authoritarian parenting, the authoritative style combines clear rules and expectations with open communication and empathetic support. Parents often let their child experience the natural consequence of their actions and work with them to solve problems and foster independence. 

Evidence suggests that the authoritative style is likely the most effective and leads to the best outcomes. Children of authoritative parents typically learn they can accomplish their goals, develop higher self-esteem, and have higher levels of academic achievement. 

Why should we study parenting practices?

Studying parenting practices has led to the development of well-understood parenting styles that predict how likely a child is to grow up with confidence, independence, and self-discipline. Before parenting was studied scientifically, young kids, older children, and teens were treated much more harshly, leading to unreasonable expectations and power struggles. 

It was not uncommon for parents to struggle to manage their children’s behavior and have no recourse to figure out how to help them improve. Studying parenting practices enabled the discovery that parents who use positive practices see more success in their parenting and raise more independent, well-adjusted children. 

• Parenting Resources For All Stages: From Expecting To The Teen Years Medically reviewed by April Justice , LICSW
• What Is Gentle Parenting? Core Tenets, Pros, And Cons Medically reviewed by April Justice , LICSW
• Relationships and Relations

Good Parenting Skills That Will Benefit Your Family

By developing, nurturing, and using good parenting skills, you can benefit your entire family. Parenting is a process that flows, sometimes smoothly, sometimes turbulently, but always in one general direction: forward. When you navigate your journey with good parenting skills, you and your family will stay on track despite the inevitable obstacles that disrupt your calm flow.

Parenting can be hard , even overwhelming, and it’s common to wonder what good parenting skills are. Good parenting that benefits your family involves different types of skills. Parenting traits are characteristics you have and can develop. Good parenting involves drawing from certain traits to help your child, and the whole family, grow. In addition to possessing traits, parents use actions, doing certain things to foster healthy growth and a positive family atmosphere.

This exploration of good parenting skills—traits and actions—can help you keep your family flowing smoothly forward.

Good Parenting Skills: Parental Traits That Will Benefit Your Family

One of the most important traits that parents can develop and use is the ability to think of the long-term, big picture. Rather than getting stuck in the day-to-day struggles and stressors, when parents keep the big picture in mind, the whole family thrives. Develop a vision and purpose for yourself as a parent and for your family. What goals do you have for raising your kids? How do you want your kids to be as they grow? As adults? Having a sense of your greater plan and values will keep your family moving in a unified direction.

Good parenting traits also include the knowledge that no one is perfect, including both you as a parent and your kids. Beyond simply knowing that they’re not perfect, parents with this trait admit it. They’re willing to apologize when they need to. This is great modeling, showing kids that they don’t have to be perfect and teaching them to ask for and give forgiveness (" Recovering from Parenting Fails ").

Having high standards helps parents guide kids in the direction they’ve identified as important. Children will rise or fall to expectations; when parents communicate that they believe in their kids, kids come to believe in themselves. That said, it’s important that parenting expectations be realistic . Rigid, demanding expectations are dangerous because they create pressure, stress, and anxiety, and they set children up for failure. Your family needs high expectations but not unworkable ones.

Parents who use good parenting skills are present in their children’s lives. They’re an active part of the family, and they interact with them. They are willing to be on their kids’ level, playing with them, helping them problem-solve (without solving the problems), and more. Creating opportunities for fun and laughter is mentally healthy and helps you bond as a family. Your presence is vital to a thriving family.

Another important parenting trait is having unconditional positive regard for your kids. This means that you love them. Always. No matter what. Disciplining is part of that love. As a parent, you teach and shape your children with rules, logical consequences, and always loving who your kids are (even if you don’t love what they’ve done in a given moment).

These traits are in integral part of good parenting skills that benefit your family. In addition to traits are actions.

Good Parenting Skills: Things You Do That Benefit Your Family

A parent's actions reinforce their parenting traits and goals for their kids. Some of the best things parents can do include:

• Communicating openly, both talking and listening deeply
• Disciplining firmly and consistently; gently and never spanking (" Do You Really Know How to Discipline Your Child? ")
• Guiding and supporting; not pushing and demanding
• Showing rather than telling; demonstrating positive attitudes , handling difficulties, practicing self-care , and other aspects of living well.
• Showing love and affection every day
• Spending dedicated family time together as well as giving each child one-on-one attention

Parents’ traits and actions instill character. In a family where everyone benefits from good parenting, kids and adults alike possess and develop life skills such as cooperation, empathy, kindness, honesty, independence, self-control, and motivation to succeed.

Additionally, kids and adults develop protective factors against mental health challenges like anxiety , depression , substance use, and antisocial behavior . Good parenting skills, including traits and actions, benefit the whole family, helping everyone flow in a forward direction and boosting mental health and wellbeing for life success.

article references

APA Reference Peterson, T. (2022, January 11). Good Parenting Skills That Will Benefit Your Family, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, July 2 from https://www.healthyplace.com/parenting/parenting-skills-strategies/good-parenting-skills-that-will-benefit-your-family

Medically reviewed by Harry Croft, MD

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10 Commandments of Good Parenting

Does your child have behavior problems? Your relationship with your child likely needs some attention.

You know the checkout line scenario: 3-year-old child wants this toy, this candy, this something -- and they want it nooooow! The crying starts, escalating into a full-blown tantrum.

In his new book, The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting , Laurence Steinberg, PhD, provides guidelines based on the top social science research -- some 75 years of studies. Follow them, and you can avert all sorts of child behavior problems, he says.

After all, what is the goal when you're dealing with children? To show who's boss? To instill fear? Or to help the child develop into a decent, self-confident human being?

Good parenting helps foster empathy, honesty, self-reliance, self-control, kindness, cooperation, and cheerfulness, says Steinberg. It also promotes intellectual curiosity, motivation, and desire to achieve. It helps protect children from developing anxiety, depression, eating disorders , anti-social behavior, and alcohol and drug abuse.

"Parenting is one of the most researched areas in the entire field of social science," says Steinberg, who is a distinguished professor of psychology at Temple University in Philadelphia. The scientific evidence for the principles he outlines "is very, very consistent," he tells WebMD.

Too many parents base their actions on gut reaction. But some parents have better instincts than others, Steinberg says. Children should never be hit -- not even a slap on a toddler's bottom, he tells WebMD. "If your young child is headed into danger, into traffic, you can grab him and hold him, but you should under no circumstances hit him."

Ruby Natale PhD, PsyD, professor of clinical pediatrics at the University of Miami Medical School, couldn't agree more. She offered a few of her own insights. "Many people use the same tactics their own parents used, and a lot of times that meant using really harsh discipline," she tells WebMD.

A parent's relationship with his or her child will be reflected in the child's actions -- including child behavior problems, Natale explains. "If you don't have a good relationship with your child, they're not going to listen to you. Think how you relate to other adults. If you have a good relationship with them, you tend to trust them more, listen to their opinions, and agree with them. If it's someone we just don't like, we will ignore their opinion."

Steinberg's 10 principles hold true for anyone who deals with children -- coach, teacher, babysitter, he says.

The 10 Principles of Good Parenting

1. What you do matters. "This is one of the most important principles," Steinberg tells WebMD. "What you do makes a difference. Your kids are watching you. Don't just react on the spur of the moment. Ask yourself, 'What do I want to accomplish, and is this likely to produce that result?'"

2. You cannot be too loving. "It is simply not possible to spoil a child with love," he writes. "What we often think of as the product of spoiling a child is never the result of showing a child too much love. It is usually the consequence of giving a child things in place of love -- things like leniency, lowered expectations, or material possessions."

3. Be involved in your child's life. "Being an involved parent takes time and is hard work, and it often means rethinking and rearranging your priorities. It frequently means sacrificing what you want to do for what your child needs to do. Be there mentally as well as physically."

Being involved does not mean doing a child's homework -- or reading it over or correcting it. "Homework is a tool for teachers to know whether the child is learning or not," Steinberg tells WebMD. "If you do the homework, you're not letting the teacher know what the child is learning."

4. Adapt your parenting to fit your child . Keep pace with your child's development. Your child is growing up. Consider how age is affecting the child's behavior.

"The same drive for independence that is making your three-year-old say 'no' all the time is what's motivating him to be toilet trained," writes Steinberg. "The same intellectual growth spurt that is making your 13-year-old curious and inquisitive in the classroom also is making her argumentative at the dinner table."

For example: An eighth grader is easily distracted, irritable. Their grades in school are suffering. They are argumentative. Should parents push them more, or should they be understanding so their self-esteem doesn't suffer?

"With a 13-year-old, the problem could be a number of things," Steinberg says. "He may be depressed. He could be getting too little sleep. Is he staying up too late? It could be he simply needs some help in structuring time to allow time for studying. He may have a learning problem. Pushing him to do better is not the answer. The problem needs to be diagnosed by a professional."

5. Establish and set rules. "If you don't manage your child's behavior when he is young, he will have a hard time learning how to manage himself when he is older and you aren't around. Any time of the day or night, you should always be able to answer these three questions: Where is my child? Who is with my child? What is my child doing? The rules your child has learned from you are going to shape the rules he applies to himself."

"But you can't micromanage your child," Steinberg tells WebMD. "Once they're in middle school, you need let the child do their own homework, make their own choices, and not intervene."

6. Foster your child's independence. "Setting limits helps your child develop a sense of self-control. Encouraging independence helps her develop a sense of self-direction. To be successful in life, she's going to need both."

It is normal for children to push for autonomy, says Steinberg. "Many parents mistakenly equate their child's independence with rebelliousness or disobedience. Children push for independence because it is part of human nature to want to feel in control rather than to feel controlled by someone else."

7. Be consistent. "If your rules vary from day to day in an unpredictable fashion or if you enforce them only intermittently, your child's misbehavior is your fault, not his. Your most important disciplinary tool is consistency. Identify your non-negotiables. The more your authority is based on wisdom and not on power, the less your child will challenge it."

Many parents have problems being consistent, Steinberg tells WebMD. "When parents aren't consistent, children get confused. You have to force yourself to be more consistent."

8. Avoid harsh discipline. Parents should never hit a child, under any circumstances. "Children who are spanked, hit, or slapped are more prone to fighting with other children," he writes. "They are more likely to be bullies and more likely to use aggression to solve disputes with others."

"There is a lot of evidence that spanking causes aggression in children, which can lead to relationship problems with other kids," Steinberg tells WebMD. "There are many other ways to discipline a child, including 'time out,' which work better and do not involve aggression."

9. Explain your rules and decisions. "Good parents have expectations they want their child to live up to," he writes. "Generally, parents overexplain to young children and underexplain to adolescents. What is obvious to you may not be evident to a 12-year-old. He doesn't have the priorities, judgment or experience that you have."

An example: A 6-year-old is very active and very smart -- but blurts out answers in class, doesn't give other kids a chance, and talks too much in class. His teacher needs to address the child behavior problem. He needs to talk to the child about it, says Steinberg. "Parents might want to meet with the teacher and develop a joint strategy. That child needs to learn to give other children a chance to answer questions."

10. Treat your child with respect. "The best way to get respectful treatment from your child is to treat him respectfully," Steinberg writes. "You should give your child the same courtesies you would give to anyone else. Speak to him politely. Respect his opinion. Pay attention when he is speaking to you. Treat him kindly. Try to please him when you can. Children treat others the way their parents treat them. Your relationship with your child is the foundation for her relationships with others."

For example, if your child is a picky eater : "I personally don't think parents should make a big deal about eating," Steinberg tells WebMD. "Children develop food preferences. They often go through them in stages. You don't want turn mealtimes into unpleasant occasions. Just don't make the mistake of substituting unhealthy foods. If you don't keep junk food in the house, they won't eat it."

Likewise, the checkout line tantrum can be avoided, says Natale. "Children respond very well to structure. You can't go shopping without preparing them for it. Tell them, 'We will be there 45 minutes. Mommy needs to buy this. Show them the list. If you don't prepare them, they will get bored, tired, upset by the crowds of people."

"Parents forget to consider the child, to respect the child," Natale tells WebMD. "You work on your relationships with other adults, your friendships, your marriage, dating . But what about your relationship with your child? If you have a good relationship, and you're really in tune with your child, that's what really matters. Then none of this will be an issue."

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Four Skills Every Parent Needs To Raise Successful Kids

Most parents want to see their children grow up healthy, happy, and successful. They ultimately want the best for their offspring and tend to view them in high regard. However, children require proper care and guidance from their parents to grow into the healthiest and most successful versions of themselves.

Perhaps one of the best ways parents can set their children up for success is by implementing the proper parenting skills. Before addressing these, it could be important to understand exactly what it means to be a parent.

What does it mean to be a parent?

Essentially, a parent is defined as "one that begets or brings forth offspring" and "a person who brings up and cares for another". Bringing up and caring for children is a lifelong commitment that takes work. Parenting is multidimensional and involves providing for one's child, shielding them from harm, teaching them, and placing their needs before one's own.

Despite all these responsibilities, it may also be important for parents to know when to let go. This can be somewhat challenging for parents, especially as their children grow up. Once children reach a certain age, they may need to experience certain things independently and learn from their own mistakes. 

Many people mistakenly believe that young children are less aware of their environment than their older counterparts, but this may not be accurate. Even small children notice the behaviors, words, and actions in their environment. If negative behaviors are frequently displayed to them, children can pick up on some bad habits. Conversely, children exposed to positive influences and behaviors are more likely to imitate those behaviors.

Critical parenting skills

Most parents have an innate desire to help their children thrive. Still, they may need more than just good intentions to have a positive impact on their kids. Here are some of the critical parenting skills moms and dads may need:

Responsibility

Perhaps one of the best things parents can do for their children is to teach them to be responsible individuals. Responsibility is a trait that may serve children well in all aspects of life. Responsible individuals are considerably more likely than their irresponsible counterparts to succeed in life.

There may be many ways for parents to help their children grow into responsible adults. One of these strategies is to have kids clean up after themselves once they’re old enough to do so. As basic a task as this is, it could serve as a gateway for children to learn the merits of responsibility.

Children who are asked to clean up after themselves may learn that their consequences have actions, and that they are responsible for these actions. For instance, someone who makes a mess will have to clean the mess up. This concept can apply to both literal and metaphorical messes. Sometimes, parents make the mistake of  swooping in and cleaning up their kids' messes, which can rob them of this important lesson.

They may do this with the best of intentions, but the impacts of this choice can be harmful. Children who are never made to clean up their messes may grow up to believe that their parents are responsible for doing damage control for them. 

Communication

Communication is another critical parenting skill that can impact how well children do in life. Not only does communicating help children learn new skills and knowledge, but it can also teach them effective ways of interacting with others. How young people interact with others can impact how other people perceive them, which jobs they end up attaining, and whether they achieve certain goals in life. Therefore, parents are responsible for modeling appropriate behavior and teaching their children how to communicate with others.

As children grow and mature, they may take cues from their parents on the appropriate ways to communicate with others. Depending on how parents communicate with their children (and others), these cues can have positive or negative effects. For instance, children who grow up around parents who frequently scream and swear when angry or frustrated might adopt these same habits. Conversely, young people who grow up with parents who can calmly and effectively communicate, even in the midst of a conflict, may learn these important communication skills and use them in their own relationships in the future. 

Morality may be another important parenting skill. This is because, similarly to responsibility and communication, moral character is another trait that children will pick up on from observing their parents. Integrity, kindness, respect, and courage are some of the many moral values that parents can teach to their children.

It may be difficult for children to learn the value of morality in this day and age, especially since parents are not their only influences. For example, various forms of media in our society may encourage people to break the rules or engage in reprimandable behavior, especially if they can get away with it. Perhaps the best way for parents to keep their children from going down a dangerous path is to teach them to behave admirably by treating others with respect, showing integrity, and being leaders, not followers.

Discipline is arguably one of the most controversial parenting skills. Different parents may have different ideas on the appropriate ways to discipline their children. Still, discipline may be essential for children because it teaches them important lessons about boundaries, consequences, and accountability. 

Parents can sometimes make the mistake of either disciplining their children too much or not often enough. Both mistakes can have adverse impacts later in life. Children who are always coddled and given what they want may grow up to believe the world will treat them as their parents did during their formative years. Realizing this is not the case can be a harsh lesson.

On the other hand, the effects of punishing children severely can be just as bad or worse. Overdoing disciplinary behaviors can cause kids to rebel against their parents. Children may adopt the mindset of "I have nothing to lose, so why should I listen?" Parents may discipline their children with the best of intentions, but a balance of compassion and clear boundaries may be best. Like most scenarios, extremes on either end of the spectrum may be detrimental.

The challenges of parenting

Parenting is sometimes characterized as a natural role that moms and dads take on when their children are born. That might make it seem like it’s always easy, but there will be good times and bad times. There will also be instances where parents wonder if they are doing the right thing or truly setting their children up for success. Mistakes may be made along the way, and that is okay. 

Parents sometimes feel like they’re alone in raising their children, but this doesn’t have to be the case. A good support system can make a significant difference, especially when you’re tired, frustrated, or you’re facing a unique parenting challenge. Trusted relatives and friends may be able to provide you with the support you need. If you find you need more assistance, though, consider professional counseling. 

Counseling for parents

Even in modern society, counseling is sometimes unfairly stigmatized, especially for parents. This can make moms and dads feel like they’re failures if they need outside help when raising their children. Online counseling may be a better alternative in these cases. You can start sessions from the comfort of your home. Plus, many people report that this type of counseling is more conducive to sensitive discussions about child-rearing. 

Online mental health services have been proven effective many times over by researchers in the field of mental health.  A recent study demonstrated the benefits of online parenting programs, including a decrease in parenting stress and depression. These same programs were found to lessen child anxiety, behavior problems, and negative parent-child interactions. 

Parenting can be overwhelming, especially in contemporary society. The benefits of seeking out help and guidance can make a considerable difference. If you’re still hesitant to pursue counseling, it could be helpful to keep in mind that asking for help is a sign of emotional maturity and self-awareness. The compassionate and professional counselors here at Regain are waiting to hear from you— reach out and start moving towards your parenting goals. 

Frequently asked questions (FAQs)

Why are parenting skills important?

Good parenting skills are necessary for any new family, though your parenting style may differ from any other parent’s. 

Good parenting skills are essential because they can help your child develop social skills and become an independent adult capable of living independently and solving their own problems. 

A good parent also knows that good parenting skills can help the child develop early learning skills before a child is in school, which can help them in school as they get older. 

What are the 4 types of parenting?

Experts say that there are four main parenting styles. It might be clear that these styles are not equally effective, and if you’re a good parent or one with experience, you will likely be able to tell which are the more effective parenting styles for your situation.

• Authoritarian parenting: These parents are those who may enforce strict rules for their children without giving much reasoning behind them. They may also enforce very strict and potentially damaging consequences when their child slips up. They rarely consider their child’s perspective.
• Authoritative parenting : An authoritative parent also develops rules and consequences but tries to work through their child’s behaviors before problems arise. They often take their child’s opinions and perspectives into consideration, act as a good role model, and provide rewards for good behavior.
• Permissive parenting: A permissive parent may set rules but rarely enforces them and doesn’t set any consequences for bad behavior. Permissive parents commonly act as their child’s best friend and might even fear their child-hating them for providing discipline.
• Uninvolved parenting: These parents are generally less involved in their child’s lives. They may rarely ask about their children’s activities or seldom provide them with care and guidance. A child may be mostly responsible for their own self-care and behavioral management.

A good parent is ultimately, in many cases, an authoritative one, though they may also utilize qualities from other parenting styles. 

It may be hard to determine what good parenting is, and that is because one parent’s skills in parenting may differ significantly from another’s. At the end of the day, a good parent loves and respects their child while also offering discipline when necessary.

What is effective parenting?

Research suggests that effective parenting is essentially using parenting skills and tips to become the best parent for your child.

For the most part, good parenting includes two things . First, it’s essential that good parents prepare their children to grow up and face the adult world. Parents can accomplish this by teaching their children social skills, life skills, and developmental skills. 

In addition, parents must achieve this goal by being a present and active force in their child’s life. The best parenting advice is to be present, and a good role model for your child, and, with some patience, their life and social skills will likely develop the way they should.

What is the best parenting?

Parenting advice often states that the best parenting style is authoritative but flexible; not too strict but not too lenient. 

A good parent who is authoritative can set boundaries and rules with their children without harsh or overbearing punishments. They listen to their children, consider their points of view, and act as a good role model for behavior rather than merely saying what is right and wrong.

An authoritative parent is very present in their child’s life without being overbearing or treating their child like their best friend. They have the power to discipline their child, but they often may not need to as their children learn to be on good behavior through life experience.

What three skills are involved in parenting?

There are many skills that good parents require to become better at taking care of their children, parenting them the best that they can. Here are the top three:

• Social skills. It’s possible to utilize these skills in many ways, from examining your children’s behavior and knowing how they feel to maintaining a healthy relationship with your family.
• Creativity. A good parent can think outside of the box and help their child problem-solve. Creative parents also value their child’s learning processes and can help them discover the adult they will grow up to be
• Emotional intelligence. Finally, parents who can manage their children’s (and their own) stress and emotions will raise children ready to set foot in the adult world. A child that knows how to process their feelings will be prepared to create their own relationships.

Why is parenting important in a child's life?

Parenting is essential in a child’s life. 

Parents are the first people a child will know and are the first to teach the child the skills they need to grow and develop. 

A healthy parent-child relationship will eventually allow the child to become independent and confident in their own problem-solving strategies and emotional management. 

Parenting tips can be a great way to learn how to be a better support system in your child’s life. Parenting teenagers is challenging, as is parenting children at other ages; still, children rely on parents for guidance and support in the adult world, and it’s essential to be there for them at any point in their life.

What are 5 positive parenting tips?

What are the golden rules of parenting, what is the healthiest parenting style, what is considered toxic parenting .

• What Is Tiger Parenting And How Do I Cope With It?
• What Neglectful Parenting Means For The Child

healthy kids health center / healthy kids a-z list / parenting article

• Medical Author: Melissa Conrad Stöppler, MD
• Medical Editor: John P. Cunha, DO, FACOEP

Things you should know about healthy parenting

What are the 10 principles of good parenting, how can parents avoid the dinnertime battle with their children, how can parents fit in family fitness.

Raising a happy, healthy child is one of the most challenging jobs a parent can have -- and also one of the most rewarding. Yet many of us don't approach parenting with the same focus we would use for a job. We may act on our gut reactions or just use the same parenting techniques our parents used, whether or not these were effective parenting skills.

Parenting is one of the most researched areas in the field of social science. No matter what your parenting style or what your parenting questions or concerns may be, from helping your child avoid becoming part of America's child obesity epidemic to dealing with behavior problems, experts can help.

In his book, The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting , Laurence Steinberg, Ph.D., provides tips and guidelines based on some 75 years of social science research. Follow them and you can avert all sorts of child behavior problems, he says.

Good parenting helps foster empathy, honesty, self-reliance, self-control, kindness, cooperation, and cheerfulness , says Steinberg, a distinguished professor of psychology at Temple University in Philadelphia. It also promotes intellectual curiosity, and motivation, and encourages a desire to achieve. Good parenting also helps protect children from developing anxiety , depression , eating disorders , antisocial behavior, and alcohol and drug abuse .

1. What you do matters . Whether it's your health behaviors or the way you treat other people, your children are learning from what you do. "This is one of the most important principles," Steinberg explains. "What you do makes a difference...Don't just react on the spur of the moment. Ask yourself, What do I want to accomplish, and is this likely to produce that result?"

2. You cannot be too loving . "It is simply not possible to spoil a child with love," Steinberg writes. "What we often think of as the product of spoiling a child is never the result of showing a child too much love. It is usually the consequence of giving a child things, in place of love -- things like leniency, lowered expectations, or material possessions."

3. Be involved in your child's life . "Being an involved parent takes time and is hard work, and it often means rethinking and rearranging your priorities. It frequently means sacrificing what you want to do for what your child needs to do. Be there mentally as well as physically."

Being involved does not mean doing a child's homework -- or correcting it. "Homework is a tool for teachers to know whether the child is learning or not," Steinberg says. "If you do the homework, you're not letting the teacher know what the child is learning."

4. Adapt your parenting to fit your child . Keep pace with your child's development. Your child is growing up. Consider how age is affecting the child's behavior.

"The same drive for independence that is making your 3-year-old say 'no' all the time is what's motivating him to be toilet trained," writes Steinberg. "The same intellectual growth spurt that is making your 13-year-old curious and inquisitive in the classroom also is making her argumentative at the dinner table."

5. Establish and set rules . "If you don't manage your child's behavior when he is young, he will have a hard time learning how to manage himself when he is older and you aren't around." Any time of the day or night, you should always be able to answer these three questions: Where is my child? Who is with my child? What is my child doing? The rules your child has learned from you are going to shape the rules he applies to himself.

"But you can't micromanage your child," Steinberg notes. "Once they're in middle school, you need to let the child do their homework, make their own choices, and not intervene."

6. Foster your child's independence . "Setting limits helps your child develop a sense of self-control. Encouraging independence helps her develop a sense of self-direction. To be successful in life, she's going to need both."

It's normal for children to push for autonomy, says Steinberg. "Many parents mistakenly equate their child's independence with rebelliousness or disobedience. Children push for independence because it is part of human nature to want to feel in control rather than to feel controlled by someone else."

7. Be consistent . "If your rules vary from day to day in an unpredictable fashion or if you enforce them only intermittently, your child's misbehavior is your fault, not his. Your most important disciplinary tool is consistency. Identify your non-negotiables. The more your authority is based on wisdom and not on power, the less your child will challenge it."

8. Avoid harsh discipline . Parents should never hit a child, under any circumstances, Steinberg says. "Children who are spanked, hit, or slapped are more prone to fighting with other children," he writes. "They are more likely to be bullies and more likely to use aggression to solve disputes with others."

"There are many other ways to discipline a child -- including 'time out' -- which work better and do not involve aggression."

9. Explain your rules and decisions . "Good parents have expectations they want their child to live up to," he writes. "Generally, parents overexplain to young children and underexplain to adolescents. What is obvious to you may not be evident to a 12-year-old. He doesn't have the priorities, judgment, or experience that you have."

10. Treat your child with respect . "The best way to get respectful treatment from your child is to treat him respectfully," Steinberg writes. "You should give your child the same courtesies you would give to anyone else. Speak to him politely. Respect his opinion. Pay attention when he is speaking to you. Treat him kindly. Try to please him when you can. Children treat others the way their parents treat them. Your relationship with your child is the foundation for her relationships with others."

For example, if your child is a picky eater: "I personally don't think parents should make a big deal about eating," Steinberg says. "Children develop food preferences. They often go through them in stages. You don't want to turn mealtimes into unpleasant occasions. Just don't make the mistake of substituting unhealthy foods. If you don't keep junk food in the house, they won't eat it."

Still, there are some gentle ways parents can nudge their kids toward more healthful eating habits. Here are a few thoughts from nationally known nutrition experts on how to get kids to go from being picky eaters to people with sound, varied diets:

• Avoid a mealtime power struggle . One of the surest ways to win the battle but lose the war is to engage in a power struggle with your child over food, says Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE, author of The Parent's Toolshop . With power struggles, you're saying, "Do it because I'm the parent" and that's a rationale that won't work for long, she says. But if your child understands the why behind the rules, those values can lay the groundwork for a lifetime of sound food choices.
• Let kids participate . Get a stepstool and ask your kids to lend a hand with easy tasks in the kitchen, says Sal Severe, Ph.D., author of How to Behave So Your Children Will, Too . "If they participate in helping to make the meal, they are more likely to want to try it," he says. Older children and teens can begin to prepare special meals or dishes by themselves. Get teens started learning to prepare healthy foods before it's time to live on their own.
• Don't label . Severe reminds parents that, more often than not, kids under 5 are going to be selective eaters. "Being selective is normal," says Elizabeth Ward, MS , RD. She prefers the term "limited eater" to the more negative term "picky."
• Build on the positives . "When I sit down with parents, we'll often find that their child does eat two or three things from each food group," says Ward. Just as children can get comfort from reading the same story over and over, they enjoy having a set of "predictable" foods. "Even though they aren't getting a wide variety of foods, they are actually doing OK nutritionally," says Ward. When the child goes through a growth spurt and has a bigger appetite, use that opportunity to introduce new foods, she recommends.
• Expose, expose, expose . Ward says a child needs to be exposed to a new food 10 to 15 times before he or she will accept it. But many parents give up long before that. So, even if your child only plays with the strawberry on her plate, don't give up. One day, she just may surprise you by taking a bite. But don't go overboard, says Severe. Limit exposure to one or two new foods a week.
• Don’t bribe . Avoid using sweets as a bribe to get kids to eat something else, says Pawel. That can send the message that doing the right thing should involve an external reward as well as reinforces the pattern that eating unhealthy foods is a good way to reward yourself. The real reward of sound nutrition is a healthy body, not a chocolate cupcake.
• Beware of oversnacking . Sometimes the problem isn't that the child doesn't like new foods but that they are already full, says Ward. "Kids can consume a lot of their calories as milk and juice." Encourage the kids to drink water rather than juice when they’re thirsty. You can also create flavored waters by adding a splash of their favorite juice to sparkling or still water. The same goes for snacks that provide little more than calories, such as chips, sweets, and sodas. "If you are going to offer snacks, make sure they are supplementing meals, not sabotaging them," she says.
• Establish limits . Having a set of bottom-line limits can help a parent provide some consistency, says Pawel. For example, parents may require that kids eat nutritious foods before snack food. Or that they must at least try a new food before rejecting it. "Consistency only works if what you are doing in the first place is reasonable," she says. So, avoid overly controlling or overly permissive eating rules. If bottom-line limits are healthy, effective, and balanced, they’ll pay off.
• Examine your role model . Make sure you aren't asking kids to "do as I say, not as I do," says Pawel. If your diet is based mainly on fat, sugar , and salt, you can hardly expect your child to embrace a dinner salad over French fries.
• Defuse mealtimes . Don't make your child's eating habits part of the mealtime discussion, says Ward. Otherwise, every meal becomes a stressful event, centered on what the child does and does not eat. Ward suggests that parents reserve talks about the importance of good eating for later, perhaps at bedtime or story time.
• Give it time . "I find that children become much more open to trying new foods after the age of 5," says Ward. "Most of the time, kids will simply grow out of limited eating."

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Children need at least an hour of moderate to strenuous physical activity every day to stay healthy, according to experts. But many kids just aren't getting that much exercise . And most groups are unanimous on the prime culprit: sedentary entertainment, meaning the temptations of the TV, computer, and video games.

So, your first step toward encouraging a healthy level of physical exercise should be to limit your children's TV and screen time. Beyond that, here are some tips from the experts on how to help your children (and yourself) stay active:

• Make an exercise schedule . Exercise doesn't have to involve a rigid routine. But it's a good idea to schedule a regular time for exercise each day. You and your kids will be more likely to get up and get moving if you've set aside a specific time for physical activity. Many parents find that participation in after-school sports brings some needed relaxation and socialization time as well as fulfills the physical fitness requirement.
• Support physical-education programs in the schools , which may be reduced or receive less emphasis in some school systems. Communicate to your child's teachers and administrators your belief that physical education (PE) is an important part of the curriculum.
• Plan your vacations, weekends, a nd days off around fitness fun . Plan a bike ride, take an invigorating hike along nature trails, or pack a picnic lunch and head for the park for a family game of Frisbee.
• Make use of community resources . When it comes to finding fitness opportunities, take advantage of what your community has to offer. Join the local YMCA or sign up for tennis or other lessons through your Parks and Recreation Department. Look for water aerobics classes and golf lessons at local swimming pools and golf courses.
• Get the whole neighborhood involved . Organize neighborhood fitness activities for children and their parents. Softball games, soccer matches, and jump-rope contests are fun for kids and adults.
• Dance! Children of all ages love to dance . Crank up the music, show your kids the dances that were popular when you were a teen, and let them teach you their favorite dance moves.
• Expose your child to a variety of physical fitness activities and sports . Your child will likely find the combination of activities or sports that are most enjoyable for him or her and will not become bored of one activity.
• Let your kids take turns being the fitness director for your family . They'll have more fun when they're allowed to choose the activity, and they'll enjoy putting their parents and siblings through their paces.

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Ways To Be a Better Parent: Good Parenting Skills and Tips

Crystal Bourque

As your child develops from a baby and toddler to a schooler and teenager, many things change, but the basic principles remain the same. The good news is, being a good parent is primarily intuitive. However, the structure is also equally critical for the development of your child.

To help you be an awesome parent, we turned to the results of the study and recommendations from the AAP, figured out how not to yell at a child (which is exactly what the ideal parent should not do), asked the author of the ‘The Collapse of Parenting’ Leonard Sax for advice and described how to remain a good parent even in difficult life situations.

Raising Kids Today: Parenting Skills for Keep Up with the Times

Good parenting skills, top 6 ways to be a better parent without yelling.

• When Your Child has Mental or Emotional Issues
• How to Be a Good Parent During Divorce

How to Be a Good Parent After Divorce

Preschoolers.

Prostock-studio/Shutterstock.com

To be successful in a competitive world, children must learn to be honest and have self-control. They must be able to make decisions and function independently yet be kind and empathetic to others. They cooperate with others based on healthy moral principles, behaving appropriately, even in difficult circumstances.

Parents who can instill these abilities and values in their children have done an exceptional job of preparing them for the real world. Children have eight basic needs that a good parent provides to make sure that they have the best chance to thrive and be happy.

• Security . Being safe, warm, and fed are the most basic needs of a child. Consistent security is the foundation of stability and growth.
• Stability . A stable family and community environment give the child a sense of their role and value.
• Consistency . Dealing with consistent values, expectations, emotions, and behavior helps the child develop confidence and balance.
• Emotional support . Being accepted and recognized are important aspects for children to develop trust, respect, and self-esteem.
• Love . A sense of being in a place where one belongs and is accepted is the most profound gift.
• Education . Formal schooling is important to prepare your child to become a productive member of society one day, but life lessons are, in many ways, even more valuable.
• Positive role models . Having the opportunity to look up to and imitate someone with positive qualities gives the child aspiration to develop and become better.
• Structure . Having rules and boundaries provide a child clarity of his or her role and what is expected of them.

Safeguard, educate, and provide clear expectations and a consistent routine to prepare your child to face any challenge and transition successfully through his or her childhood development phases.

As a mom or dad, knowing what skill set to have and how to apply it is a good starting point for effective parenting. The most central factor is time. Every one of the parental skills has one thing in common — time. Spending as much time as possible in your child’s company is an opportunity to invest in all his or her basic needs. Effective parents convey these qualities in the following ways.

• Listens . Observing and listening with attention and understanding let you know what and when your child needs something or has a problem to solve. Encourage your child to express his or her emotions and thoughts. Learn a reflective communication style to clarify what your child is saying by repeating the idea back in different words.
• Honesty and transparency . Tell your child your feelings and expectations and encourage him or her to do the same. This habit will go a long way to prevent conflicts from developing.
• Problem-solving . Engage with your child on a win-win basis and always be fair and objective. Be careful not to let emotions get the better of you. Guide your child to solve his or her problems as much as possible. Ask him or her to suggest solutions rather than prescribe your ideas.
• Respect . Respect for oneself, others, and property is the hallmark of healthy relationships. Share your values with your child and explain what the purpose is. A person who behaves accordingly gains the trust of others.

Guide your child as much as possible rather than prescribe. Let them know your expectations. Show respect and understanding. Encourage talking about their feelings and experiences. Behave toward them in a way that you want to be reciprocated. When children behave badly, it is sometimes a reflection of the example of the parent.

According to research , yelling makes up one of the 8 discipline strategies that make behavior problems in children worse. The following are additional tips on what makes a better parent  without  yelling.

Make Fair Rules

Making fair rules helps a child learn what they can and can’t do. Creating clear rules decreases yelling because when a child breaks a rule, everyone understands how and why.

Decide on Consequences

A better parent will decide the consequences their children will face for breaking the rules. The AAP suggests  take-away privileges, reduced screen time, time-outs, and other logical consequences instead of yelling.

Establishing consequences for breaking a rule decreases yelling because it helps your child make better decisions.

For example, telling your child they can’t use their smartphone if they don’t put away the dishes after dinner puts the decision in your child’s hands. If they don’t do the chore, you don’t need to yell. As a result, your child simply loses their smartphone for the evening.

Offer Positive Reinforcement

There’s a lot of research about how positive reinforcement is highly beneficial as a parenting skill.

According to a 2018 article published by the APP , ‘striking children, yelling at them or shaming can elevate stress hormones and lead to changes in the brain’s architecture.’ Instead, the APP recommends that ‘adults should reinforce appropriate behaviors, set limits, redirect children and set expectations.’

Why Do You Yell?

As a parent, why do you end up yelling at your child?

A better parent asks questions and re-evaluates their actions to learn good parenting skills.

If you struggle with yelling, there’s no shame in taking a deep breath or a time-out. If the situation isn’t dangerous, your child can wait for discipline.

Give Fair Warnings

Use a ‘When . . . Then . . .’ phrase with your child. For example, ‘When you put away your books, then you can play with your tablet this afternoon.’

This statement decreases yelling because you’ve offered your child a fair warning.

Follow Through

A better parent consistently disciplines their children, which is crucial because it helps children to change their behavior (in a positive way).

Follow-through helps children grow and decreases yelling because you teach a small person to think before they act. So if your child breaks a rule, you must enforce the consequences. Good parenting skills do not necessarily refer to parents who do everything for their child, but, rather, those who use effective parenting to provide a safe and caring space for their kids and guide them through their development. Good parents may not always do everything right but they are always there.

Every good parent should have the Findmykids app on their smartphone to keep the child safe even at a distance! Learn more about the service and start using it today .

Strengths as a Parent in Difficult Times

Learning how to be a better parent is not only important in good times. All families go through difficult patches. It is during these challenging times that you will truly find out what makes a good parent.

When Your Child Has Mental or Emotional Issues

Encouraging creativity in a structured environment gives your child the best opportunity to develop into a happy and productive adult. Even then, and despite your best efforts, young kids, or even older child, can develop mental or emotional issues. 

According to the CDC , almost 10 percent of children between 2- and 17 years old are diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder or ADHD. More than 7 percent have a diagnosed behavioral problem or anxiety while more than 3 percent in the same age group have received a depression diagnosis.

Some of these conditions often occur together, which intensifies the effects and complicates treatment. Viewed together with the fact that even more children with mental health issues are undiagnosed and untreated, which has negative consequences on their health and development, the situation needs attention.

• The first line of care and the most important foundation of a child’s mental health is at home. When your child is consistently sad or withdrawn, threatens or tries to hurt themselves, has sudden, overwhelming fears, is uncontrollable or takes risks, or has severe mood swings it is possible that he or she suffers from a mood or behavioral disorder.
• If their behavior suddenly changes or there are signs of alcohol or drug use, a parent must be alert. A child with such difficulty concentrating or staying still that it interferes with their functioning in school or with daily tasks possibly has ADHD.
• If you observe any of these patterns, talk to your child to find out what he or she has difficulty with, or if anything is bothering him or her. Seek out a family therapist or other professional if needed.
• And when seeking out a medical professional, it’s also crucial to ask questions about any medication prescribed, whether you have a small child or older children.

According to Leonard Sax, MD, Ph.D., ( The Collapse of Parenting ), many parents don’t know just how common it is in the United States for medical professionals to prescribe powerful psychiatric drugs to children as a ‘first resort rather than a last resort.’ As a result, ‘American kids are now factors of ten more likely to be on medication compared with kids outside North America.’ And, ‘We are experimenting on children in a way which has no precedent, with medications whose long-term risks are largely unknown.’

Your family life is paramount, and you want your child to grow into a successful adult. However, parents must stay alert for sudden behavior changes and act quickly to provide the support children need to handle mental health issues.

How to be a Good Parent During Divorce

Although a stable and loving two-parent home is widely considered the best circumstance for a child to grow up, unfortunately, this is not always the reality. Almost half of all marriages in the United States end in divorce or separation after a median duration of just under eight years. This means that, in many cases, young children are affected.

Focusing on good parenting skills or a good parenting style during a divorce is more important than ever.

Evidence from a study called Family Structure Transitions and Child Development: Instability, Selection, and Population Heterogeneity by Dohoon Lee and Sara McLanahan showed that separation and divorce are linked to an increased risk for adjustment problems in children and adolescents, including, lower grades, school dropout, conduct problems, substance use problems, and depressed mood.

Being a better parent during a divorce ensures your children are better prepared to cope with divorce-related stress.

Try to set your hurt and anger aside for the benefit of the kids and go out of your way to make them feel loved, accepted, and valuable, and that they belong in both your and your partner’s lives.

• Be as consistent as possible.
• Always strive to be a good example of responsibility and respect.
• Separate your feelings from behavior. In other words, don’t take your pain out on the child.
• Be extra vigilant for clues that your child is struggling emotionally or performance-wise.
• Regularly talk to your kid. Improve your communication with your partner and separate disagreements from discussions about what is best for your kid.

Parents don’t have all the answers, and raising children in today’s digital world creates additional challenges. However, after a divorce, it’s even more crucial to lean into being a better parent for the sake of your kids.

A 2014 study called The Impact of Family Structure on the Health of Children: Effects of Divorce  revealed that many kids feel less close to their fathers after a divorce. Another study,  Mothers and their children after divorce: Report from a 25-year longitudinal study , showed that mothers could be less affectionate and supportive after a divorce. Discipline also becomes less effective and consistent.

As a result, to be a better parent after divorce, it’s a good idea to develop household rules and offer appropriate discipline when needed.

Even if you now have separate lives, encourage your child to spend time with and maintain a close relationship with your ex-partner. Although shared responsibilities, coordination, and decision-making can be difficult and exhausting, parents who provide guidance to their kids have the best chance at happiness and success.

• Make sure that your arrangements are consistent and unexpected things are kept to the minimum. This will help make your kid feel cared for and secure.
• Peaceful cooperation with your ex-partner will teach your kid the value of compromise and joint problem-solving.
• It is important to separate the feelings of hurt and anger that you may have from your behavior in front of your child. Don’t involve your child in any disagreement or conflict.
• Focus on regular, good communication with your ex-partner. Make joint decisions that affect your child. Try to function as a team and support one another when it comes to the well-being of the kids.
• Resolve issues quickly. Compromise. Don’t let the small stuff get in the way and escalate. Always do what is best for your child.

Parenting Skills Activities by Age

Parenting style and decisions change along with the child’s development. The needs and expectations of your baby and toddler differ from those of your schooler and teen. As their interaction with the world expands, their maturity level increases. You should always gauge and balance their maturity level and ability to handle responsibility with the autonomy and freedom that you allow them to have.

Infants have very basic needs and they have not yet developed the distinction between themselves and their environment. They require warmth, rest, safety, nourishment and time to establish a bond with their primary caretaker. Their main developmental tasks are to learn to eat, sleep, and become used to their bodies and interaction with others. They are starting to develop trust. Therefore, as a parent, you should:

• Establish a routine of feeding, sleep, and caressing
• Learn how to comfort your baby for the best results
• Look after yourself and get sleep and rest when you can
• Relax and enjoy your baby by not focusing on small issues

All too soon, your baby will become a toddler and he or she will start to move around more, explore, and interact.

At the age of around one to two years, toddlers start to learn to walk and talk. Discovering more of the environment and people around them, toddlers become more autonomous and cautiously test their independence. However, they are still self-centered and can be quite stubborn. At this age, their language and physical skills develop quickly. They learn to navigate rules in their world.

• Support your toddler’s attempts to be more independent
• Allow him or her to develop a sense of mastery
• Set limits to ensure their safety and your well-being
• Show that you tolerate his or her anger and other emotions
• Try to see things from your toddler’s perspective
• Keep your child safe during their explorations
• Encourage his or her curiosity

Between the ages of about three and five, your preschooler becomes slightly less self-centered, more aware of his or her place in the world, and starts learning to manage their emotions and behavior. Their social skills develop quickly, which set the basis for when they venture into the world and go to school. They are experiential learners and test the boundaries of their bodies and minds.

To set your preschooler on the right path, you should:

• Teach by demonstrating empathy and talking about feelings
• Continue to create a routine in his or her daily life, which is comforting as your preschooler discovers new things that can be scary to them
• Ensure that he or she gets sufficient rest and sleep
• Monitor what food is available but allow your preschooler to decide how much to eat — provide smaller, regular meals or snacks to prevent consistent and unhealthy eating.
• Listen reflectively to your kid on a regular basis. Ask him or her to describe their experiences and feelings.
• Set limits but empathize when they are disappointed — teach self-discipline rather than enforced punishment.
• Interact regularly with your child and create social time.

In your child’s school and preteen years, they become less self-centered, more attuned to others, and (usually) more caring and cooperative. In their formative years, schooler needs guidance to develop emotional intelligence and self-regulation skills more than ever.

• Utilize these typically reasonable years to cement your relationship and let your child develop his or her unique identity.
• Balance your child’s need for self-sufficiency, interaction with peers, and making time to spend quality moments with him or her
• Plan regular family outings or events to cultivate strong connections
• Gage your kid’s maturity and need for independence — balance rules and accommodations accordingly
• Listen attentively to your kid and encourage sharing problems
• Let them come up with potential solutions and teach them to negotiate and compromise
• Recognize and praise their strengths and accomplishments
• Limit the use and reliance on electronic devices to specific times of day
• Know your child’s friends, relationships, and values
• Don’t get involved in power struggles and act firm rather than punishing

In your child’s early teens, between 13- and 15 years, expect variable behavior and emotions as they try to settle into independence. At this point, he or she has developed a personality but may still be trying to find a stable identity.

The outside world has an increasing influence on your teen as they navigate peer relationships, look up to role models, and widen their exposure through social media and school, sports, and other events.

At this stage, the focus of the parent is on demonstrating respect and positive values, managing your own emotions, balancing freedom with responsibility, and communicating regularly.

• Continue to schedule regular conversations to check in every day
• Allow freedom appropriately but know what your teenager is doing, where, and with whom
• Eat as many meals together as possible, especially at dinnertime
• Demonstrate and encourage healthy self-care, including meals, sleep, and relaxation
• Support your teen as much as you can to strive for and achieve their goals
• Act more than a parent than a friend — guide, be firm, and offer support
• Keep computers in a family space
• Continue to have regular family meetings and outings

Remember that engagement with your child — whatever his or her age — is the critical component in their development. As a baby or toddler, this means physical contact and care. When your child grows older, communication about their experiences and emotions becomes like a light to guide them to confidence.

Listening reflectively, talking about emotions, establishing boundaries and structure, and balancing independence with responsibility are very important too. Notice changes in your child’s behavior. Monitor their activities online and in the real world.

Set appropriate safeguards on social media. When your child is old enough to have a smartphone, install an app like Findmykids  so that you know where they are when you’re worried. It will give you valuable peace of mind so that you can allow them more leeway to explore their independence while also staying safe and protected.

Do you still have questions about how to be an awesome parent? Here are some commonly asked questions and answers.

What Age is Hardest to Parent?

According to a survey , most of the 2000 parents interviewed agreed that age eight is the most difficult to parent.

And there’s a good reason for this!

In 2013, BMC Pediatrics published the results of a study titled Study protocol: the Childhood to Adolescence Transition Study (CATS) . The study determined that children between the ages of 6 to 8 receive an increase in Adrenal Androgens. In other words, the hormones eventually become responsible for puberty (a few years later).

Can Parenting Skills be Learned, or are They Innate?

When it comes to parenting, everyone brings a different set of innate parenting skills to the table. However, as every parent will come to learn, a specific set of parenting skills will only work for some children.

This means there’s no such thing as the perfect parent. Every awesome parent learns the skills, tips, and tricks they need to become better parents.

How Can Parents Encourage Their Children’s Independence and Autonomy?

The simplest way parents can help their children become more independent is to allow them to attempt different tasks and activities on their own. Keep in mind it’s important to give age-appropriate tasks to your kids. Be sure to keep their development stage in mind.

While giving children a chance to try new things, parents can further encourage independence and autonomy by praising accomplishments. Avoid belittling children, as this does not promote healthy self-esteem and is more damaging than helpful.

What are Some Common Mistakes that Parents Make, and How Can They Avoid Them?

The key thing to remember is that there’s no such thing as the perfect parent. Awesome parents strive to continuously learn how to improve their skills to best help their children navigate each stage of life.

However, there are some common mistakes parents make. The good news is knowing about these mistakes will help you avoid them.

• Be Flexible. Try different tools, tips, and skills to see how your child responds best
• Do not spank your child. This 2016 study shows a direct link between aggressive behaviors in children and spanking
• Explain why bad behavior isn’t tolerated. It’s not enough to admonish or punish your child. They need to know what’s ‘bad’ about their actions
• Set rules and be consistent with discipline. Follow through!
• Know your own needs and limit

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NEW Parenting Course: Transform Your Parenting Skills with Holistic Positive Parenting™

Parenting 101

Welcome to the internet parent education workshop. A place to build parenting skills that help parents to discipline kids from toddlers to teens as well as to encourage children and adolescents to feel positive about themselves and to become the winners they were meant to be. Lots of practical solutions for parents as well as tips for improving communication,building positive relationships and other useful parenting skills. The goal of parenting is to teach kids to develop self-discipline. Many parents feel spanking is necessary for effective discipline. When parents learn and apply the three Fs of Effective using the parenting techniques on this page and others, they find that yelling, screaming and spanking disappear and a positive relationship is established.

Major Topics:

Guidelines For Parent Child Relationships

• Try to set a side time on a regular basis to do something fun with your child.
• Never disagree about discipline in front of the children.
• Never give an order, request, or command without being able to enforce it at the time.
• Be consistent, that is, reward or punish the same behavior in the same manner as much as possible.
• Agree on what behavior is desirable and not desirable.
• Agree on how to respond to undesirable behavior.
• Make it as clear as possible what the child is to expect if he or she performs the undesirable behavior.
• Make it very clear what the undesirable behavior is. It is not enough to say, “Your room is messy.”  Messy  should be specified in terms of exactly what is meant: “You’ve left dirty clothes on the floor, dirty plates on your desk, and your bed is not made.”
• Once you have stated your position and the child attacks that position, do not keep defending yourself. Just restate the position once more and then stop responding to the attacks.
• Look for gradual changes in behavior. Don’t expect too much. Praise behavior that is coming closer to the desired goal.
• Remember that your behavior serves as a model for your children’s behavior.
• If one of you is disciplining a child and the other enters the room, that other person should not step in on the argument in progress.
• Reward desirable behavior as much as possible by verbal praise, touch or something tangible such as a toy, food or money.
• Both of you should have an equal share in the responsibility of discipline as much as possible.

Want more help? Visit the  [Parenting Skills]  and the  [Emotional & Social Development]  sections of the CDI Store.

The “3 Fs” of Effective Parenting

Discipline should be :

• Firm:  Consequences should be clearly stated and then adhered to when the inappropriate behavior occurs.
• Fair:  The punishment should fit the crime. Also in the case of recurring behavior, consequences should be stated in advance so the child knows what to expect. Harsh punishment is not necessary. Using a simple Time Out can be effective when it is used consistently every time the behavior occurs. Also, use of reward for a period of time like part of a day or a whole day when no Time Outs or maybe only one Time Out is received.
• Friendly:  Use a friendly but firm communication style when letting a children know they have behaved inappropriately and let them know they will receive the “agreed upon” consequence. Encourage them to try to remember what they should do instead to avoid future consequences. Work at “catching them being good” and praise them for appropriate behavior.

The Parent As Teacher/Coach

See your role as that of a teacher or coach to your children. Demonstrate in detail how you would like them to behave. Have them practice the behavior. Give them encouragement along with constructive criticism.

• Try to set aside time on a regular basis to do something fun with your children.
• Rather than tell them what not to do, teach and show them what they should do.
• Use descriptive praise when they do something well. Say, “I like how you ____ when you ____.” Be specific.
• Help your child learn to express how he feels. Say: “You seem frustrated.” “How are you feeling?” “Are you up set?” “You look like you are angry about that.” “It’s O.K. to feel that way.”
• Try to see a situation the way your children do. Listen carefully to them. Try to form a mental picture of how it would look to them.
• Use a soft, confident tone of voice to redirect them when they are upset.
• Be a good listener: Use good eye contact. Physically get down to the level of smaller children. Don’t interrupt. Ask open ended questions rather than questions that can be answered with a yes or no. Repeat back to them what you heard.
• Make sure they understand directions. Have them repeat them back.
• When possible give them choices of when and how to comply with a request.
• Develop a nonverbal sign (gesture) that your children will accept as a signal that they are being inappropriate and need to change their behavior. This helps them to respond to your prompt without getting upset.

The Use of Reward In Positive Parenting

When ever possible try to use reward and praise to motivate your child to improve their behavior.

For younger children you can use “grandma’s rule.” Say, “When you have picked up all your clothes, you may go out and play.” Be sure you use “when” rather than “if.”

Combine reward with time out for serious disruptive or defiant behaviors. Say, “Every time you ____, you will have a ____ time out. If you can go the whole (day, afternoon, etc.) without getting a time-out, you will earn ____..

The First Time Club

If you are having trouble getting your child to do something when you ask, have him become a member of “The First Time Club.”

• Make up a chart with 30 squares.
• Tell the child that each time he does something the first time he is asked, a happy face will be placed in a square. When all the squares are completed, he will earn a reward.
• Mutually agree on the reward. For younger children, you can place a picture of the reward on the chart or for older children you can write it on the chart.
• Then practice with the child how he is to behave. “Each time I ask you to do something, I want you to: (1) Use good eye contact, (2) Listen quietly, (3) Say OK I will ____. then (4) Do it.” Practice this, making a number of requests.
• Then start the program.

Be sure to praise him for each success during practice as well as when the program starts. By the time the squares are filled, he will have developed a new habit. When he completes the program, provide the reward immediately. Take the chart down and let him have it as part of the reward. Continue to use praise and encouragement to make sure this new habit remains and becomes even stronger.

The Family Chip System

If your child is having a lot of difficulty getting along at home consider using the “Family Chip System.” This is a very powerful tool. When used consistently, most children will show great improvement within just a few weeks. The program provides immediate reward for appropriate behavior and immediate consequences for inappropriate behavior. By the way, if you have other children around the same age as the child for whom you are designing this program, put them on the program as well. Children really like this system. Parents love the system.

Here are the steps to follow to use this program with your child:

• Purchase a box of poker chips from the drug store.
• Hold a family meeting to discuss the need for the program. Tell the children that it will help them to learn to be in charge of themselves. You can tell older children that this system is similar to what adults experience: (1) Adults earn money for working; (2) Adults have to pay fines for breaking rules like speeding or make a late payment; (3) Adults spend their money on things they need as well as a few things they want.
• Develop a list of behaviors they will earn chips for. Start with the morning and then go throughout the day looking for behaviors to reward. These can include positive attitude, self-help behaviors and chores. If you are using a behavior modification program for school you can give them chips for each point earned on that system. Some possibilities are: getting up on time, brushing teeth, getting ready for school on time, playing nicely with brother or sister, completing chores such as feeding a pet or taking out the trash, saying please   and thank you, doing things the first time they are asked, doing homework without a fuss, getting ready for bed on time, going to bed on time, cleaning bedroom.
• Agree on a list of behaviors that result in a loss of chips. These can include behaviors that are oppositional, defiant or disruptive. Some examples are: tantrums, yelling, screaming, fighting, arguing, throwing things, jumping on the furniture, getting up after bed time, swearing, putting others down. (Some more serious behaviors will receive a  Time Out  as well as a fine).
• Agree on a list of privileges they will earn and pay for with chips. Some privileges will be bought for the day, others will be bought for a period of time (usually 1/2 hour). These can include: watching TV, playing outside, computer time, renting their bike or other large toy, playing a game with a parent, etc.
• See Suggestions of Rewards For Kids.
• Assign point values to each item on the list. See the sample below:

Earn Chips For

Lose Chips For

 Privileges To Spend Chips For

Practice giving and receiving chips before starting the program. The practice should be based on the rules for parent and children provided below:

Rules for Parents When Giving Chips

• Be near your child and able to touch him (not 20 feet or two rooms away).
• Look at your child and smile.
• Use a pleasant voice tone.
• Make sure your child is facing you and looking at you.
• Praise your child “Hey that’s great. You’re really doing a nice job. That’s really helping me.” Reward you child with chips “Here’s 2 chips for doing a great job.”
• Describe the appropriate behavior for your child so he know exactly what behavior he is being praised and rewarded for.
• Hug your child occasionally or use some other form of positive touch.
• Have your child acknowledge you such as, “Thanks   Mom” or “O.K.”

Rules for Parents When Taking Away Chips

• Be near you child and able to touch him.
• Explain what was inappropriate such as “Remember you are not allowed to run in the house because it is not safe.” “You need to learn not to yell and scream so   we can enjoy being together at home.”
• Be sympathetic. “I know it’s hard to lose chips but that’s the rule.”
• Give your child the chip fine.
• Make sure your child gets the chip appropriately.
• Prompting the appropriate responses will sometimes be necessary.  For example, “Come on, give me a smile–That’s right.”
• If a chip loss is taken very well by your child, it is a good idea to give him back a chip or two.
• If your child is too mad or upset to give you the chips, don’t force the issue. Place your child in time out (to cool off) and then get the chips.

Rules For Children When Getting Chips

• You should be facing your parents, looking at them and smiling.
• You should acknowledge the chips by saying “O.K.,” “Thanks,” or something else pleasant.
• The chips should be put in a specified container. (Any chips left lying around are lost.)

Rules For Children When Losing Chips

• You should face your parents, look at them and smile (not frown.)
• You should acknowledge the chip loss with “O.K.” or “All right,” “I’ll get the chips,” etc. (You must keep looking at them and be pleasant).
• You should give the chips to your parents pleasantly
• Post the list of behaviors and chips earned in a convenient place.
• Let your child decorate a paper cup in which to keep their chips. Place the “bank’s” chips is a jar or bowl and put it in a place that is out of reach of children.
• Start using the program. Feel free to modify the program at any time by holding a meeting. Sometimes point values need to be raised or lowered to achieve a goal. You may add or remove items from the list as well.
• After about 6 weeks, you may be able to start short trials off the system. Say, “Today we are going to try not using the chip system. If things go well we will try it again the next day.” If the trial is successful continue for about a week. If things continue to go well, hold a meeting and celebrate all that you and your child have both gained from the system. If your child is not ready, continue with the program.

Note: If your child runs out of chips, have a list of extra chores they can do to earn chips so that they remain on the system.

Child Development Books

Our recommendations for books on child development for parents.

The Well Balanced Family

How to disconnect to reconnect so you can grow and have fun together.

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How to Be a Good Parent After a Bad Childhood

Vowing to do better and learning how to unlearn is a valuable blueprint for giving your child what you never had.

It was bad when their screaming matches erupted in fisticuffs, my father punching my mother and pulling her hair. It was bad when we tried to intervene and they turned on us, teeth bared, threatening to throw us out or put us in foster care.

It was bad when they were drunk, which was most of the time. But the worst was when they left us alone, sometimes for days, when the house parties they went to spiraled into three-days of drunken revelry.

These were the days before cell phones: We couldn't find them. Food ran out. I remember one early January day, tracking my folks down after calling a dozen of their friends, begging the woman who answered after 20 rings to bring my mom to the phone. "She's dancing," the friend told me. "Could you call back later?"

Instinctively, even at 10 or 11, I believed it would be even more dangerous to tell on them. Would they take us away, put them in jail? To the world, we looked normal, exemplary—attractive parents, accomplished children—which made it even more sinister that we never felt safe.

And yet my own children have never felt anything but safe. While I know that I've let them down and upset them in all kinds of ways over the course of raising them, I also know that I have been an almost ridiculously stable parent—predictable, vigilant, a homebody whose idea of letting loose is a second glass of champagne on Christmas Eve.

The conventional wisdom is that intergenerational trauma is a gift that goes on giving , generation after generation. But without getting too grand about it, I'm a very good parent. I became one the way I became a good student: I studied. The writings of Dr. Spock and Dr. Sears; the unintended example of friends' parents. Most of all, I learned to be a good parent to myself, accepting that I wouldn't always make the right choices but that there would almost always be solutions for those times when I didn't.

Read on to learn how toxic parents affect children into adulthood and how that has the potential to show up in your own parenting. Plus, find tools to forge a new parenting path with love and intention.

Bad Parent Traits

Abusive parents have a big arsenal to help them do their destructive work. Characteristics of toxic parents include:

• Lying and manipulation
• Accusing you of things you would never do
• Holding grudges for things you did long ago
• Withholding comfort
• Pushing you into situations from which only they can "save" you
• Criticizing
• Humiliating
• Gaslighting

Nothing is good enough for toxic parents, no matter how hard you try: If you get straight A's, how come you're not a star athlete? They say they know everything about you but never seem to listen when you try to talk about your feelings.

They also compare you—to their shining selves, your sister, your friends—and yet seem jealous of every piece of luck that comes your way. They humiliate you in front of others, then insist they were "just kidding." They fight with each other; they fight with you. They try to convince you that it's you, not them, who is mentally unstable. They make it clear, subtly or not so subtly, that what's wrong with their life is you, and they were happy before you came along.

The Impact of Bad Parenting on Kids

Kids whose parents exhibit the above traits are at risk of long-term physical, psychological, behavioral, and societal consequences. According to theChild Welfare Information Gateway (a service of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services), long-term consequences of child abuse and neglect include:

• Lung disease
• Malnutrition
• Vision problems
• Functional limitations
• Heart attack
• Back problems
• High blood pressure
• Brain damage
• Migraine headaches
• Bowel disease
• Chronic fatigue syndrome
• Diminished executive function and cognition
• Poor mental and emotional health
• Social difficulties
• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
• Risky sexual behaviors
• Juvenile delinquency
• Alcohol and drug use
• Repeating abuse as an adult

"If these kinds of experiences happened in your own childhood, it can feel tremendously isolating even though you are one of many," says Nerissa Bauer, M.D., a behavioral pediatrician who writes the blog Let's Talk Kid's Health . "It can be painful, embarrassing, and difficult to remember and share what you went through." After all, most of your friends are likely close to their parents, so they may underestimate the pain of your experiences and advise you to just talk it over and make up.

Our brain has an uncanny knack for storing the messages we received as children. A child who never knows when a temperamental parent is going to lash out at them, and who has been told that they are unlovable and insignificant, has stored years of those messages.

Kids of abusive parents can grow up untrusting, quick to anger , and suspicious of attachment, according to child-development educator Karen Young, author of the psychology blog Hey Sigmund . It's human nature for even capable, intelligent adults to fail to realize that they're still relating to the world like a small child in an unsafe environment.

In this way, people with cruel or manipulative parents are vulnerable to repeating the pattern, and many worry that they will do just that. Conversely, some worry they may swing so far in the other direction to avoid repeating their parents' mistakes that they do an opposite kind of harm.

For example, a parent who grew up constantly being criticized might belittle her own child or, just as damaging, be too permissive and never correct their behavior at all. For others, a difficult childhood can result in a debilitating lack of confidence, or fear that they will hurt their children in the way they themselves were hurt.

How Your Childhood Shows Up in Your Parenting

Parenting well is trickier indeed for those who grew up without good role models at home or those who had more than a few of what clinicians call ACEs (adverse childhood experiences). According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), ACEs include:

• Experiencing violence, abuse, or neglect
• Witnessing violence in the home or community
• Having a family member attempt or die by suicide
• Growing up in a household with substance use problems
• Growing up in a household with mental health problems
• Growing up with instability like parental separation or a family member in jail

Nearly everyone has a few, but a multitude of ACEs can have lifelong negative effects, including poorer physical and emotional health. In a survey conducted by the CDC, roughly 61% of respondents said they had experienced at least one ACE in childhood, and almost one in six reported four or more. Women are more likely to have undergone ACEs, as are Black and Latinx adults. Multiracial individuals are the most likely to experience ACEs.

Fear of failing your kids

There are days when Whitney, a mom of two who asked us not to share her last name, is terrified she will "mess up" her own children because she herself feels "flawed and messed up." Nothing in her life merits this description: She's a high-school teacher, writer, wife, and mother. Hers is the legacy of parents who raised her to try everything, with all her might, all the time, never showing weakness.

Years later, fighting an eating disorder , she was told by her therapist that she was battling "faulty core beliefs," among them that she needed to be perfect. Her older son is not yet 4, but she believes her first job is to help him understand that failing at something is not the same as being a bad kid, and that her love is his birthright: He will never need to earn it.

Of her parents, whom she loves dearly, she says, "People do the wrong things not because they are bad people." They were hardly more than teenagers when Whitney was born prematurely. Doctors said she would experience developmental delays. "My parents set out to prove them wrong." They pushed too hard.

Michael Degrottole says his father "didn't like being around his family. He wasn't big on kindness, and he was terribly bigoted. And he could be brutal, not so much with me because I was a shy, sensitive kid who backed off from conflict. But when my brother stood up to him, he took a beating."

Before having children of his own, Degrottole loved his work with the families of children with special needs but didn't know if he wanted to be a father. "I didn't want to fail," he says. He waited until he was nearly 50 to welcome his first child and now, a father of three, is an engaged, loving dad . Still, there are times when he'll open his mouth and hear his father's voice come out. "I have to stop myself and tell myself I'm going too far."

Determined to do better

Kristin, a mother of three who asked us not to share her last name, decided as a child that she was going to be patient and even-tempered, like her mother, instead of erratic and angry, like her alcoholic father. Growing up and becoming a mom both underscored her intentions and put them in perspective.

She realized that while her mother never exactly condoned her father's behavior, she didn't observe her mother intervening in the moment. Yet she realizes now how difficult parenting can be. "I do get angry," she says. "It's okay to show that you're angry. That's only human. But when I do, I really try to make sure my kids know that the anger is specific to the situation, not about them personally, and that it's not ongoing. That's the tricky part."

How to Break the Bad Parenting Pattern

Breaking the bad parenting loop takes intentional work. It involves assessing your own tendencies, finding support, and taking the small steps that create big, lasting change.

Take an inventory of your parenting risks

The first step in doing better is often an honest inventory of your own strengths and weaknesses. You know you love your children. You know you don't ever want them to wonder, as you did, if they're remarkable or even worthy. Don't leave anything out: You like to laugh. You pack a great lunch.

But, where are the areas you might have a tendency to repeat patterns? Here are some questions to ask yourself that might help you unearth areas you could grow:

• Do I have a short fuse?
• Does discipline quickly default to yelling or sarcasm?
• Do I have a creeping tendency to insist I'm always right?
• Can I be distant when I'm hurt?
• Do I have a child who is expressing their own chronic stress through depression or whose way of expressing their distress is by getting into trouble?

If any of these traits describes you now or in the past, you're not alone, and there is hope in your awareness. Psychologist and Parents advisor Lisa Damour, Ph.D., cohost of the podcast Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Parenting , asks, "How will you make meaning of that very difficult childhood? Being a parent causes emotions to surface that are very uncomfortable—for everyone. If you had parents who didn't handle dark feelings well, that means there will be extra work to do. But the more we understand our inner lives, the more options we have to move forward."

Get support

Many parents need help doing that work. Fortunately, we live in a time when there is less stigma attached to getting that help, whether from an online community or in a therapist's office.

Emotional difficulties are as real as any physical ailment, and you wouldn't set out to cure your own strep throat. Dr. Damour says, "People who can get themselves to my office are already showing a tremendous amount of strength. Nobody comes with all the answers."

It takes only one good role model, says therapist Leslie Moreland , LMHC of Sandwich, Massachusetts, who has seen the power of such relationships over and over in her years of work with troubled families and teen parents. "It can be a coach, a pediatrician, an aunt, a teacher, someone who sees the good in you," she says. "That one person can start to turn it all around."

Take small steps and build on them

Take small steps, advises Young. If you haven't been a warm and welcoming parent all the time, it may feel clumsy and awkward at first to make a shift toward loving care. The beginning of healing can feel like the beginning of an exercise routine: painful, even unsafe, with an overwhelming drive to go back to the way it was before.

Instead, let your eyes light up when your child comes into the room—even if you're not feeling it. Sit down together to say your good nights, and really mean that you hope the night will be good.

"You're opening a new brain pathway," says Young. "And when it feels like a real struggle, remember that when you change one part of a response, the others will start to change around it. Have patience with yourself. Just because you know how to play tennis now doesn't mean you're ready to go out and win at Wimbledon."

Every positive experience helps build stronger pathways. A 2019 study from researchers at Brigham Young University suggests that "counter-ACEs," or positive childhood experiences, have a beneficial effect on health and well-being regardless of the number of ACEs a child experiences. In fact, the absence of these positive experiences can be more detrimental than the adverse experiences themselves.

According to the CDC , positive childhood experiences include:

• Having routines and structure
• Receiving praise
• Having parents who listen
• Having parents who talk and play with their kids

So, every time your children can rely on you to react in a predictable, positive way, their emotional resiliency—that quality that will allow them to bounce back from tough experiences—grows stronger.

Establish boundaries with your own parents

What if your own parents are still part of the picture? You can find ways to engage with your parents if it feels right to you. Maybe they've cleaned up their act; maybe they want to be part of your children's lives.

Even for functioning families, holidays and special occasions, laced with nostalgia, excitement, and often alcohol, can be breeding grounds for conflict. If you're invited to a gathering, it may raise all those lost wishes that this Christmas, this Thanksgiving, would be different. A difficult parent may save up resentments to air in person: If this starts, be proud if you can gently make your excuses and leave. Your kids may be disappointed, but they will see that you remained self-possessed.

Even if your parents are perfectly behaved and loving with their grandkids, it can be a mixed blessing: It's only human nature to be wistful about what you were denied. Whitney sees her mom and dad as calm, wise grandparents to her preschool-age sons. "But when I hear how they speak to my younger sister, telling her that her depression was 'just looking for attention' and to not be a 'head case,' I know that if I didn't have children, I might not spend so much time with them."

And if you have no desire to see your parents at all, that's okay too. Although forgiveness as a ritual holds a popular place in modern culture, it isn't necessary to let bygones be bygones in order to move forward and be a good parent. That's a deeply personal choice, says clinical psychologist Alyson Corner, cofounder of MyHorridParent.com . And it's one you can make in your own way and in your own time.

Practice being a safe place for your kids

It's in our families that we first feel acceptance, says Tracy Lamperti , LMHC, a licensed mental-health counselor in Brewster, Massachusetts. It's there that we practice the social skills we take to the larger world. It can be an enormous effort for parents to put aside a traumatic history , but your kids need to know that their parents are a safe place to bring the hard stuff.

"A child wants to know, 'Who's going to hold me if I'm upset because someone was picking on me at school? Do I develop defense mechanisms and say it doesn't bother me, or is it safe to just hash it out?' They want to know that these are their people, their tribe. That they can be there for each other," Lamperti says.

When we were both very young parents, my brother said something to me that I think of all the time: "If Mom and Dad left us out in the water, well, then our kids are going to be safe on the sand, and their children are going to be up on the hill." Just as trauma can resonate through generations, so can healing.

The Qualities of a Good Parent

Just as bad parents have predictable traits, so do good parents. Honing these skills can be another way to break the bad parenting cycle.

An unqualified apology

One hallmark of bad parenting is the inability to admit fault. When you're wrong, it's a gift to validate your child's perceptions by saying you're sorry —no excuses. It's not their fault that you're tired or worried about work. Don't gloss over the mistake. Describe it and point out how it could have gone better.

It may be hard to resist complaining to your children about your parents (or frustrations or fears). But it's important that you not burden kids with information they may not be capable of grappling with or place them in the role of confidante .

The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) is committed more than ever to recognizing that children's physical health is connected with their family's emotional health, according to Dr. Bauer. According to the AAP , your child's health care provider is an important first resource for parents worried about their child's emotional health.

So don't be afraid to raise big issues, from safety to substance misuse in the family, with your child's doctor so they can connect you with help. Your shame over these problems is understandable, but it is not worth putting your children at risk if something is amiss at home.

You're rushed. Your child is rushed. But if you can extend saying good night, or simply sitting together or looking your child full in the face, even for another minute, it will increase your connection by magnitudes.

A time-out … for you

If you feel your parents' ways rising up in you, says Moreland, walk right out of the room. Keep walking. Have a cup of tea. Sleep on it. Nothing has to be settled that minute.

Persistence

Your kids really want you to succeed with them, and they'll give you plenty of do-overs. According to Dr. Bauer, it takes more than a few fails to shake their faith in you, so don't give up. When it means giving better than you got, you get credit for trying again, and again. As the old parenting adage goes: "You get a million chances."

The Bottom Line

Certainly, the easiest way to become a great parent is to have one or two yourself. But I dare to suggest that my harder-won competence might in some instances go deeper than that of my peers. As the experts I interviewed for this story and my own experiences taught me, I may be a better parent because I've seen firsthand the damage bad parenting can do.

Because of how I was parented, I'm even more motivated to do the right thing than some of my peers who had luckier childhoods. I'm determined to offer empathy where none was offered to me because I am acutely aware that I'm not just raising today's young people but also tomorrow's parents.

Most of all, I have courage. My own childhood was something I'd never wish on anyone, but it made me strong. If you grew up in a manner you would not wish on your own children, you likely have similar strength. And even if you had the loveliest parents alive, there is plenty of advice herein to help you parent better when, say, you're burned out, going through a rough patch, or just feeling discouraged.

This article originally appeared in Parents magazine's January 2021 issue as "How to Be a Good Parent After a Bad Childhood."

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Good Parenting Skills That Will Benefit Your Family

By developing, nurturing, and using good parenting skills, you can benefit your entire family. Parenting is a process that flows, sometimes smoothly, sometimes turbulently, but always in one general direction: forward. When you navigate your journey with good parenting skills, you and your family will stay on track despite the inevitable obstacles that disrupt your calm flow.

Parenting can be hard , even overwhelming, and it’s common to wonder what good parenting skills are. Good parenting that benefits your family involves different types of skills. Parenting traits are characteristics you have and can develop. Good parenting involves drawing from certain traits to help your child, and the whole family, grow. In addition to possessing traits, parents use actions, doing certain things to foster healthy growth and a positive family atmosphere.

This exploration of good parenting skills—traits and actions—can help you keep your family flowing smoothly forward.

Good Parenting Skills: Parental Traits That Will Benefit Your Family

One of the most important traits that parents can develop and use is the ability to think of the long-term, big picture. Rather than getting stuck in the day-to-day struggles and stressors, when parents keep the big picture in mind, the whole family thrives. Develop a vision and purpose for yourself as a parent and for your family. What goals do you have for raising your kids? How do you want your kids to be as they grow? As adults? Having a sense of your greater plan and values will keep your family moving in a unified direction.

Good parenting traits also include the knowledge that no one is perfect, including both you as a parent and your kids. Beyond simply knowing that they’re not perfect, parents with this trait admit it. They’re willing to apologize when they need to. This is great modeling, showing kids that they don’t have to be perfect and teaching them to ask for and give forgiveness (" Recovering from Parenting Fails ").

Having high standards helps parents guide kids in the direction they’ve identified as important. Children will rise or fall to expectations; when parents communicate that they believe in their kids, kids come to believe in themselves. That said, it’s important that parenting expectations be realistic . Rigid, demanding expectations are dangerous because they create pressure, stress, and anxiety, and they set children up for failure. Your family needs high expectations but not unworkable ones.

Parents who use good parenting skills are present in their children’s lives. They’re an active part of the family, and they interact with them. They are willing to be on their kids’ level, playing with them, helping them problem-solve (without solving the problems), and more. Creating opportunities for fun and laughter is mentally healthy and helps you bond as a family. Your presence is vital to a thriving family.

Another important parenting trait is having unconditional positive regard for your kids. This means that you love them. Always. No matter what. Disciplining is part of that love. As a parent, you teach and shape your children with rules, logical consequences, and always loving who your kids are (even if you don’t love what they’ve done in a given moment).

These traits are in integral part of good parenting skills that benefit your family. In addition to traits are actions.

Good Parenting Skills: Things You Do That Benefit Your Family

A parent's actions reinforce their parenting traits and goals for their kids. Some of the best things parents can do include:

• Communicating openly, both talking and listening deeply
• Disciplining firmly and consistently; gently and never spanking (" Do You Really Know How to Discipline Your Child? ")
• Guiding and supporting; not pushing and demanding
• Showing rather than telling; demonstrating positive attitudes , handling difficulties, practicing self-care , and other aspects of living well.
• Showing love and affection every day
• Spending dedicated family time together as well as giving each child one-on-one attention

Parents’ traits and actions instill character. In a family where everyone benefits from good parenting, kids and adults alike possess and develop life skills such as cooperation, empathy, kindness, honesty, independence, self-control, and motivation to succeed.

Additionally, kids and adults develop protective factors against mental health challenges like anxiety , depression , substance use, and antisocial behavior . Good parenting skills, including traits and actions, benefit the whole family, helping everyone flow in a forward direction and boosting mental health and wellbeing for life success.

article references

APA Reference Peterson, T. (2022, January 11). Good Parenting Skills That Will Benefit Your Family, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, July 2 from https://www.healthyplace.com/parenting/parenting-skills-strategies/good-parenting-skills-that-will-benefit-your-family

Medically reviewed by Harry Croft, MD

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15 Effective Parenting Skills Every Parent Should Know & Have

Maintaining strong parenting skills is crucial to becoming a better mother or father. Every parent wants their kids to unlock their potential, feel happy, and grow up to achieve their dreams and be valued member of society.

With the plethora of information out there, parents spend hours sifting through blogs, parenting tips, and personal accounts about how to raise their children.

While this can be informative, it is also time-consuming and confusing. Each expert seems to have their own unique approach to unlocking one’s parenting strengths.

Because of this, good-natured individuals become stressed about becoming the perfect parent. Nonetheless, successful parents share a few skills that can be replicated by nearly anyone.

In this article, we will simplify these key strategies and offer ways you can apply these tips to your daily parenting.

What are Parenting Skills?

In general, parenting skills are the characteristics and abilities that allow you to care for your child and be an effective parent. These are any abilities that help you ensure your child grows up healthy and happy.

They deal with giving your child enough attention, helping them grow, educating them, inspiring them, and so on. Every parent has their own list of parenting strengths.

These count as parenting-related skills. When you apply your other strengths, such as career strengths, to your parenting, these strengths become parenting skills.

For instance, if you are resilient at work, you could apply this resilience to your parenting. It is then used for the benefit of your child and is therefore a parenting strength.

15 Skills That Good Parents Have

Every parent has their own unique skill set. Building any positive skill will benefit you as a parent.

There are a few in particular, though, that has proven to make a big difference to the relationship between you and your kids.

In particular, parenting experts recognize these skills as must-haves for parents:

1. Put an emphasis on your child’s healthy behavior instead of their bad behavior

Experts agree: parents should focus on their child’s positive behavior instead of scolding them for their bad behavior.

In fact, scolding and reprimanding only lead to more bad behavior occurs. It is counterintuitive but true.

If a child is constantly scolded, they begin to believe they are inherently bad, abnormal individuals. Their misbehavior becomes a part of their identity and an ingrained habit.

As such, they become demotivated and do not wish to change their behavior.

Instead of setting a child up for this path, recognize their good behaviors. Over time, your child will internalize the idea that they are appreciated, recognized, and have strong positive qualities.

2. Help your child help others

Children feel fulfilled and happy when they help others. Unlike more selfish adults, kids actually enjoy giving sacrificially.

As adults, we become more self-centered and focus on our needs instead of those of others.

However, if we do stay away from selfishness, individuals become happier. The same is true with children.

If you want them to be happy, satisfied, and feel like they have made a difference in the world, introduce them to the power of giving. Involve them in volunteering and donating activities.

Success and happiness is rooted in contribution, not individual achievement.

3. Stop yelling at your kids

You probably instinctively know that yelling at your kids is not the best way to communicate with them. However, yelling is usually a knee-jerk reaction to your child’s occasional annoyance.

Recent research has proven that yelling at kids has the opposite of the desired effect: it worsens their behavior. It makes children assume they are naturally bad child.

Do your best to understand your kids. Help them create a reasonable plan to tackle their issues. To manage your anger, try to create action plans before your kids irritate you.

Take deep breaths, walk away when necessary, and avoid making any sort of threats.

4. Give kids chores and responsibilities

Dome of the most in-depth, well-researched studies proves chores truly benefit kids.

According to the Harvard Study of Adult Development, children who do more chores tend to be more resilient and happy. These benefits last for longer than just childhood.

Many important lessons are learned through chores. Kids become more responsible, develop a strong work ethic , cooperate, and develop a strong sense of duty.

Even the most successful parents recognize the benefit of assigning chores. Kids with chores in childhood tend to become more successful as adults.

5. Stay close to your spouse

While marriage may not seem directly linked with your parenting, it does play a key role with your relationship with the kids.

If you maintain a good relationship with your spouse and avoid conflict, your kids are more likely to be happy and successful

Healthy marriages lead to emotionally well-adapted children. Having a true bond with your spouse will positively influence the children as well.

A few common relationship-building tips include: agreeing on plans together, being kind to your spouse, not comparing your marriage to that of others, focusing on your partner’s strengths, and making time to talk to them daily.

6. Teach kids to love challenges and venture outside their comfort zone

Carol Dweck, a world-renowned psychologist, dedicated her career to researching how mindset plays a role in success.

One of her key findings was that those who challenge themselves and use a growth mindset are more likely to succeed.

Successful people look at challenges in a positive light. They understand that challenges, by their nature, will be tough. However, the growth that occurs from them is what truly matters.

Many successful people even find ways to make challenges fun. Less successful people may look for shortcuts or find ways to stay in their comfort zone . They make excuses for why they never take risks.

Both of these outlooks are developed during one’s early years (childhood and adolescence). Good parents influence their children’s views on challenges in a positive way.

7. Allow your children to be independent

Most parents recognize that independence and responsibility are beneficial qualities. However, many helicopter parenting pulls good-natured adults in the wrong direction.

Instead of fostering independence in their kids, they supervise them at every moment. These authoritarian parents tend to do things for their kids that the kids can do themselves.

Helicopter parenting can impair a child’s ability to focus and succeed in school. It also decreases their well-being.

You can do this to avoid being a helicopter parent: let kids make age-appropriate decisions, allow your kids to fail, do not overfocus on your kids, and let kids understand the consequences of their actions.

8. Help your kids establish social skills

Researcher Mark Greenberg and his team tracked 750 adolescents to see which skills correlated most with success.

They found that if the children were socially skilled as kindergartners, they were more likely to become confident as adults.

These results reveal just how crucial social skills are doing childhood. As a parent, try to help your kids develop these skills first:

• Conflict resolution
• Cooperating
• Active listening
• Emotional management
• Respecting others, especially other’s differences
• Asking for help
• Giving feedback
• Complimenting others

9. Help and guide children, but do not micromanage them

Another acclaimed psychologist, Diana Baumrind, focused her career in the effects of certain parenting styles on children.

She categorized parenting techniques into three main styles: permissive parenting, authoritarian parenting, and authoritative parenting.

Permissive parents are overly lenient with their children’s needs. They give in to their every whim and believe the universe centers around their child. This is a common mistake parents make.

The lack of consistent rules can lead to chaos and an unbalanced parent/child relationship. Kids often become spoiled under this parenting type.

Authoritarian parents are the opposite. They are too strict and inflexible. In the long run, kids with authoritarian parents become secretive, rebellious, and resentful.

Authoritative parents are the most balanced of all the types. They love and acknowledge their children without being overly indulgent. They can be flexible but also have reasonable and age-appropriate rules.

Kids with this type of parent are the most likely to be successful later on in life. Strive to use this parenting style the most.

10. Ensure your children feel safe

Security early on in childhood correlates with children performing better in school. They are also more likely to have healthy relationships as they grow older.

Security can come from a number of sources. As a parent, you can boost a child’s sense of security by:

• Displaying affection toward them
• Saying you appreciate your child
• Respecting their child and listening to them
• Keeping your promise
• Setting consistent boundaries
• Give them your full attention when talking
• Remind your child you love them, no matter what

11. Encourage your children to be resilient

According to Dr. Angela Duckworth, a psychologist states that perseverance for long-term goals is the key to long-term success.

In fact, grit has been proven to be a marker for success than the innate talent of IQ.

The specific ways you can use parenting abilities to help a child develop grit include:

• Letting them make mistakes
• Model resilience
• State that effort is more important than the outcome
• Focus on contribution instead of achievement
• Teach them how to overcome challenges
• Encourage them to take manageable risks

12. Manage your stress so it does not affect your kids

You may not realize how much of an impact your stress has on your children. A study by Marilyn Essex found that stress has a direct relation to a child’s future.

This is exactly why you should try to manage your stress. Not only does it negatively impact you, but it is also bad news for your kids.

If you find yourself constantly stressed out, try to focus on tasks that make you happy. Find your passions and incorporate them into your daily life. Take deep breaths and distance yourself from conflicts.

You could also try meditating or journaling to relieve stress.

13. Be a good role model

You are your child’s first role model. Instead of listening to your words, though, they often imitate your actions. The latest research proves that children start copying your actions as early as age 3.

Do not let your children get exposed to potentially negative and detrimental habits. For instance, consider that many parents struggle with trying not to swear or participating in unselfish behavior.

However, realize that self-control takes time and effort. If you slip up from time to time, that is alright. It should be expected.

But, ensure that your children understand you do not want them to replicate these behaviors and that you are working to reduce this behavior yourself.

14. Dedicate time to your kids

In today’s busy environment, making time for anyone is difficult. However, realize that these are your children. The real question is how to make time for those you truly love.

You do not have to spend all day with your kids to make them feel loved (if you are short on time).

In fact, spending a few hours with your kids, giving them undivided attention, would be better than being half present for the entire day. A few ways you can spend time with your kids are:

• Scheduling time weekly for one on one time with your child
• Play with them and be engaged in their stories
• If you have older children, take them with you in your errands
• Replace screen time with family time outside
• Be present during important milestones

15. Set logical and age-appropriate limits

Not all limits and rules are bad. Sometimes, they actually help kids become successful and learn about the difference between right and wrong.

Of course, there is a difference between being a perfectionist parent who never wants kids to question rules. Kids should understand why you set rules and the benefits of following them.

They should not simply follow rules “just because you said so.”

Positive behaviors are learned through rules. Without rules, kids can be unruly and breed bad behavior.

You may be met with negative emotions from your kids, but try to help them deal with these emotions instead of giving in to their every whim. Dealing with “no” now will help them deal with challenges as adults.

Why are Parenting Skills Important?

Parenting skills are an important aspect of parenting and child development. These crucial skills help ensure you maintain a good relationship with your child.

Additionally, parenting abilities help your child learn the best behaviors from you. It makes you a figure the child will look up to and improves the child/parent relationship.

String parenting skills can help you gain self-control as a parent. Even though you may be an imperfect parent, strong parenting skills prevent you from letting your bad habits take control of you.

The best parenting abilities help you stay focused on your parenting goals. This will help your child achieve success later on. They can learn to copy strengths from you as well.

In general, your parenting skills bring out the best in both you and your child. They can truly unite your child.

How to Measure Parenting Skills?

The best way to measure your parenting abilities is to ask your child directly. Ask them if they feel heard and listened to.

Does your child believe you spend enough time with them? Do they understand why you have the rules you set?

These questions, among others, will all help determine which parenting skills are well-developed and which need some attention.

If you change your parenting skills or develop new skills, try to notice if your child’s behavior changes. If it changes for the better, it is likely your new skills had a positive impact on the child.

You could also take a more in-depth test that evaluates your skills.

For instance, the FRIENDS Protective Factors survey can measure your family’s resilience, support of your child, nurturing abilities, and knowledge of child’s developmental stages.

It is most often used in circumstances of neglect, but the survey is another tool that can help you evaluate your strengths and weaknesses as a parent.

Gaining insight from a spouse could also reveal crucial information about your parenting style. They can provide an adult’s viewpoint on your strengths and weaknesses.

Your spouse has prior experience as a child and can compare the strategies you use to those to his or her parents utilized.

Then, you can measure the differences and see if they are beneficial or negative differences.

How to Improve Parenting Skills?

You can improve your parenting abilities in a number of ways. Firstly, you must listen to your kids. Make it a top priority to speak to them daily.

Ask them for feedback on your parenting so they feel heard and valued. When you spend time with them, give your children your complete attention.

Take their advice to heart, but also ensure you do so to a reasonable extent. Whenever your child opens up to you, be careful with what you say to them. Children are sensitive, so try to be honest while also gentle.

Your body language can also impact how a child interprets the message you tell them. Pay attention to your eye contact and body language for this reason.

Ensure your rules are specific. Do not stray away from these rules or give into your child’s every want. However, you should also be reasonable with these rules. They should be age appropriate.

Avoid turning into a helicopter parent. Becoming a micromanaging parent decreases your flexibility and openness, both key parenting traits.

Also, avoid setting unrealistic expectations for yourself. Developing parental skills takes time, effort, and feedback. Look to role models for how to teach your kids.

If you have a living mother or father, this is a great opportunity for parents. Ask your parents for the insights they learned about raising children. Apply them to your own life.

Parenting skills should be regularly reevaluated. Aim to do this at least every few months. However, yearly is the absolute minimum.

This is so because so many changes about a child during a month, let alone a year. Your parenting techniques should also adapt as the child grows and matures.

Activities for Practicing and Developing Parenting Skills

There are a number of activities that can help you develop parenting skills. They do not have to be overly challenging or enduring. In fact, the following activities can be performed by nearly any parent.

3 Examples of Activities

1. Growing your relationship through communication 

Throughout daily life, there are many opportunities to connect with your child. You can leverage everyday moments to effectively communicate and inspire them.

Whenever a child presents you with their art or something they built, complement them. If they write something, recognize their effort. The more specific the praise, the better it is for the child’s confidence.

Talk to them about their passions. Keep the conversation going and stay engaged. Ensure the child remains engaged by asking questions.

2. The discipline and consequence activity

The best parents know exactly how to respond to both positive and negative behaviors. Kids should learn that their choices have consequences.

Sometimes, they are positive. However, they should also learn from making mistakes.

When considering consequences, take the child’s personality and reason for misbehavior into account. If you know the child is misbehaving just to get your attention, ignore them.

However, if they are misbehaving due to a rule misunderstanding, explain the rule to them. If a child throws a toy, help them realize that choice has consequences by taking the toy away immediately.

This helps them associate the specific action with a direct consequence.

Try not to give your child any positive attention for misbehaving. This would only make them more likely to repeat the negative action.

3. How would you give directions?

Every parent delegates tasks and rules to their child differently. However, certain direction-giving techniques are better than others. Consider whether you overwhelm your child with too many tasks at once.

When calling a child to come to dinner, do you also tell them to clean up and wash their hands? This could overwhelm them.

You could also be too vague in your instructions. Something like “it is time to head downstairs” does not give your child a specific reason to do so. They will not know what to expect from doing the task.

Thus, they are less likely to listen. Teach your kids to listen to you without yelling. This means rationalizing with them and ensuring they know you are in charge.

Bonus: Parenting Skills Workbook

A number of high-quality workbooks outline the top skills parents must maintain. One of these workbooks is the Positive Parenting Workbook.

In this popular book by blogger Jessica Eanes, the truth behind dealing with hectic life is revealed. She inspires readers to develop EQ, communicate effectively, set clear goals, and enjoy the present.

She provides a number of prompts to help you evaluate your parenting strategies. Eanes also leaves room for you to track your progress. A number of key parenting principles are outlined by her anecdotes.

For example, one of the key insights provided in the book is that empathy should be a key element of your parenting strategy.

Another insight is that the reason children get upset is because of a neurological self-control deficiency. This is something all children experience during this age.

Therefore, the best way to approach angry children is by calming them down first. Only then should you move on to rationalizing with them.

With this book, you can formulate a clear plan to avoid tantrums, handle outbursts, move past back-talking, and address other negative behaviors.

Frequently Asked Questions About Parenting Skills

What skills do you need in parenting.

There are many key skills that every parent should possess. For example, all parents should love their kids unconditionally. They should give their child ample attention and communicate well with them.

This means explaining why there are rules in the household. Parents should also ensure their kids feel safe speaking to them.

Other important parenting traits include: stress management, emotional management, resilience, being a healthy role model, getting along with others, practicing active listening, working as a team, and staying patient.

What are positive parenting skills?

A number of skills are crucial to positive parenting . These are mainly balance, active listening, unconditional love, support, and emotional validation.

The latter involves telling the child you care about their feelings and accepting their emotions. This is opposed to what many parents do: tell children they should not feel a certain way.

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• Check mark icon A check mark. It indicates a confirmation of your intended interaction. Connect all your bank accounts, investments accounts, and credit cards
• Check mark icon A check mark. It indicates a confirmation of your intended interaction. Help you save for individual savings goals
• Check mark icon A check mark. It indicates a confirmation of your intended interaction. Create a budget
• Check mark icon A check mark. It indicates a confirmation of your intended interaction. Track expenses
• Check mark icon A check mark. It indicates a confirmation of your intended interaction. 30-day money-back guarantee
• con icon Two crossed lines that form an 'X'. Must buy a subscription (no free option)

Quicken Simplifi is a great budgeting tool if you want to create a detailed monthly spending and savings plan and don't mind paying for a subscription. If you would rather get a budgeting app that doesn't have a subscription fee, you'll have to consider other options.

• Up to 50% off on Simplifi for all new customers
• Stay on top of your finances in under 5 minutes per week.
• Check your custom budgeting plan — anytime, anywhere!
• Track your spending
• See where your money is going and discover places to save.
• Keep your bills in check
• Find subscriptions you don't use and start saving from day one.

Check out our picks for the best budgeting apps, and read more about how we chose the winners.

Best Budgeting Apps of July 2024

• Rocket Money : Best overall for reducing spending and creating a budget
• Monarch Money : Best for saving toward financial goals
• Quicken Simplifi : Best for robust budgeting features
• Honeydue App: Best for couples

The top budgeting apps have a straightforward sign-up process, a decent fee structure, strong budgeting tools, and an overall positive user experience. Learn more about the best budgeting apps, below.

Free to create a budget. Subscription fee applies to premium services.

• Check mark icon A check mark. It indicates a confirmation of your intended interaction. Connect all your bank accounts, credit cards, and investment accounts to track spending
• Check mark icon A check mark. It indicates a confirmation of your intended interaction. Bill negotiation feature
• Check mark icon A check mark. It indicates a confirmation of your intended interaction. Free plan available
• con icon Two crossed lines that form an 'X'. Limited features available with free plan
• con icon Two crossed lines that form an 'X'. Limited customer support availability

Rocket Money is featured in our best budgeting apps guide. While the Rocket Money app is free, there is a subscription fee if you want to use Premium features, like concierge services or premium chat.

Offers a 7-day free trial

Premium Plan with a 7-day free-trial, then $14.99 per month or $99.99 annually

• Check mark icon A check mark. It indicates a confirmation of your intended interaction. Link bank accounts
• Check mark icon A check mark. It indicates a confirmation of your intended interaction. Create unlimited budgets and make customizable categories
• Check mark icon A check mark. It indicates a confirmation of your intended interaction. Track individual savings goals
• Check mark icon A check mark. It indicates a confirmation of your intended interaction. Graphs and charts that track your spending and savings
• con icon Two crossed lines that form an 'X'. No free plan

Monarch Money is an overall solid option if you prioritize creating monthly budgets and saving for individual savings goals. The main downside of the app is that it doesn't offer a free plan. You'll have to a monthly or annual subscription fee.

• Check mark icon A check mark. It indicates a confirmation of your intended interaction. Budgeting app for couples
• Check mark icon A check mark. It indicates a confirmation of your intended interaction. Can have individual and shared finances
• Check mark icon A check mark. It indicates a confirmation of your intended interaction. Create monthly bill reminders
• Check mark icon A check mark. It indicates a confirmation of your intended interaction. Can discuss finances through chat feature
• con icon Two crossed lines that form an 'X'. Only available through mobile app

Honeydue is featured in our best budgeting apps guide as the best option for couples. It's a great option if you don't want to pay a fee. It also allows you to have individual and shared finances.

Top Budgeting App Reviews

Budgeting looks different for everyone, so we selected four picks for budgeting apps. We selected a well-rounded budgeting app, one designed for couples, another that's appealing for setting goals, and lastly one with more detailed budgeting features.

We have a mix of free budgeting apps and ones that have premium plans with subscription fees, so you can choose an option based on your financial needs and priorities.

Best Overall: Rocket Money

Rocket Money (previously known as TrueBill) is our best budgeting app overall because it has a variety of tools to help you save and limit spending.

Rocket Money has both a free plan and a premium plan. With the free plan, you'll be able to link bank accounts, credit cards, and investment accounts to track spending and you'll also be able to create a budget .

The premium plan includes concierge services, which review your bills and subscriptions to help you cancel or get refunds for these services on your behalf. It also includes premium customer chat, unlimited budgets, customizable budget categories, a savings account, real-time updated syncing, and a credit score report.

The app's standout feature is Bill Negotiation. You'll upload a copy of your bill, and Rocket Money will determine whether you can get the same service with the company for a lower price. Rocket Money may also help you get refunds if you're charged bank overdraft fees or late fees.

When Rocket Money negotiates a bill, you'll have to pay a percentage (you may choose any amount from 30% to 60%) of whatever it will save you for the year. If you plan to change your internet, cable, phone, or wireless provider in the next year, you could end up losing money, though.

Pricing: You may choose how much to pay each month through a sliding scale. Rocket Money has a free plan that's $0. The Premium plan has a 7-day free trial; after the free trial, you'll have to pay around $6 to $12 per month (the lower-price plans are billed annually instead of monthly).

Rocket Money Review

Best for Couples: Honeydue App

Honeydue is a budgeting app designed specifically for couples. The sign-up process is short and simple — you'll create an account by setting up your email, then invite your partner to Honeydue.

Honeydue allows you to see both your individual and shared finances in one place. You also have to option of setting limits to how much your partner can see. When you connect a bank account to the app, you may choose to share both balance and transaction information, share information only, or share no information.

With Honeydue, you can organize your finances by creating monthly bill reminders or discussing personal financial information through the app's chat feature.

If you would like an additional place to store money for a common goal, like a holiday budget or a couple's vacation.

You won't be able to access Honeydue through your computer; it's only available through a mobile app. Some of our other top picks have both online and mobile platforms for more convenience.

Regular Pricing: Free

Best for Saving for Financial Goals: Monarch Money

Monarch Money may be worthwhile if you are looking for a budgeting app that helps you save for financial goals and create a budget. It's also become one of the most hyped-up Mint alternatives among Redditor users since Mint shut down.

Through Monarch Money, you'll be able to make unlimited personalized savings goals . You can customize goals, organize them by order of importance, and link them to bank accounts. The app also helps you create a zero-based budget, track your net worth, and analyze your cash flow.

Monarch Money doesn't have a free plan. You can try out a 7-day free trial. However, after that, you'll need to pay a subscription fee. If you do not want to pay a subscription fee for a budgeting app, you'll want to consider one of our other picks.

Regular Pricing: Premium Plan with a 7-day free-trial, then $14.99 per month or $99.99 annually

Best for Robust Budgeting Features: Quicken Simplifi

Quicken Simplifi might be a good choice if you want a budgeting app that provides a detailed breakdown of your spending and savings.

In addition to letting you create budgets with customizable categories and make individual savings goals, Quicken Simplifi analyzes your spending and savings through charts and data.

You can receive monthly reports for spending, general income, income after expenses, savings, and net worth . You can also now check your credit score through the web application if you have early access (This feature is currently only available to U.S. residents). Checking your credit score through Simplifi won't affect it.

The one major downside to this app is that it doesn't have a free plan. You'll have to pay a subscription fee, although you can try the app for 30 days with a money-back guarantee.

There's also a special promotion available right now — 50% off for new customers (offer ends July 14, 2024).

Regular Pricing: $3.99 monthly subscription or $47.88 annual subscription

Quicken Simplfi Review

Budgeting App Trustworthiness and BBB Ratings

We review the ethics of each company so you can see if a specific financial institution aligns with your values.

We also include the settlement history of the last 3 years so you're aware of any recent public controversies involving the bank.

We include ratings from the Better Business Bureau to evaluate how companies address customer issues and handle transparency.

Rocket Money has a B rating due to a high volume of customer complaints.

Honeydue has an F rating because it hasn't responded to three customer complaints and it hasn't been in operation for a long time.

Quicken has an F rating because it has received a high volume of customer complaints filed, and failed to respond to 13 customer complaints.

A good BBB rating won't guarantee you'll have a good relationship with a company. You also might want to read customer reviews or talk to current customers before making your decision.

Intuit does have some public issues surrounding its tax-filing software, TurboTax.

Introduction to Budgeting Apps

Why use a budgeting app.

A budgeting app can help you understand where you spend your money. It's also useful for building and maintaining an effective budget.

The top budgeting apps let you create a monthly budget using customizable categories.

Many also help you save money effectively . For example, budgeting apps use your transaction history to make charts and graphs. You can use this information to analyze your spending patterns and figure out where to make adjustments in your budget.

Key Benefits of Budgeting Apps

The primary benefit of using a budgeting app is that it gives you a big-picture view of your financial situation.

Many budgeting apps let you link different types of bank accounts, investment accounts, credit cards , and loans. You'll be able to see all your accounts in one place and see how you're spending versus saving.

Budgeting apps also help you build better money habits. If you've struggled to maintain a budget in the past, it might be easier to track your spending on an app than completely on your own. Budgeting apps do the work for you by syncing all your accounts — you just need to make sure everything is synced correctly and make small adjustments when they aren't.

Features to Look for in a Budgeting App

User-friendly interface.

A good budgeting app has a design format that's easy to use. The app should load quickly and make it easy to get started. You should be able to create a budget on your own without much help. If you encounter technical difficulties, you should also easily be able to contact a customer representative through the app.

Syncing with Bank Account

Many easy-to-use budgeting apps for beginners allow you to sync savings accounts, checking accounts , investment accounts, or credit cards.

Apps often use Plaid to link bank accounts. Plaid can connect more than 11,000 U.S. banks and credit unions, including the best banks .

Expense Tracking

Once bank accounts are linked, your spending will be updated on the app so you have up-to-date information. A strong budgeting app will provide updates frequently, and during the same day so you can stay on top of your budget.

Customizable Budgeting Categories

Many budgeting apps allow you to create a zero-balance budget. With a zero-balance budget, you're figuring out where every dollar of your income is going. You can create budget categories for every expense. You can also create savings goals if you're setting aside money for a specific purpose, like a down payment on a home or a future vacation.

A good budgeting app allows you to make customizable budgeting categories rather than pre-set categories. That way, you can make a budget that's tailored to your life and make categories as broad or specific as you want.

Charts and Visual Analysis Features

A top budgeting app analyzes your habits so you can see how you manage your money over time. Some apps provide charts of your monthly budget so you can see how your categories compare to one another. Others might have visuals to indicate how much money you have left to spend in a certain category for that month.

Several budgeting apps also provide reports for broader areas of your finances. For example, you might be able to view your cash flow balance over several months or how your money in your retirement plans has grown over time.

How to Choose the Best Budgeting App for You

To find the right budgeting app, you need to know what features you're looking for. Are you looking for ways to cut back on spending? Do you want a free plan or a subscription plan for your budgeting app? Do you want a detailed breakdown of your finances or more of a general overview? Knowing the answers to these questions can help narrow down your options.

If you have your eye on a few budgeting apps, you can try out the free trials or free versions of each before settling on the right one. That way, you can see if the interface is also user-friendly and manageable for the long-term.

Setting Up and Using a Budgeting App

Step-by-step guide to setting up your budgeting app.

To use a budgeting app, you'll have to download it through the Android or Apple store. To set up most budgeting apps, you'll enter your name and email address. If the app charges a subscription fee, it will prompt you to sign up for a plan or free trial.

The best budgeting apps will walk you through the app's different features and help you get started. You'll typically be prompted to link accounts. Then, you can create a budget or set savings goals.

Tips for Effective Budgeting with the Apps

If you're new to budgeting apps, it may be helpful to start off with some structure.

For example, you could use a popular savings method like the 50/30/20 rule or pay-yourself-first strategy.

The 50/30/20 rule breaks down your budgeting, so 50% goes to needs, 30% goes to wants, and 20% goes to debt or savings. The pay-yourself-first strategy focuses on savings — you'll automatically transfer money from your paycheck to some of your savings and then distribute what's left over to your expenses.

Another tip for effective budgeting is to look at your expenses to see if they reflect your financial goals and values. If you have certain goals that are of higher priority than others, find ways to reduce spending in categories that aren't a priority for you. That might mean waiting before making a purchase, creating a meal plan or grocery list to limit spending on food, or auditing your subscriptions to see if there are any you can cancel.

Common Mistakes to Avoid on Budgeting Apps

Experts recommend trying out a budgeting app's free plan or free trial before committing to an annual plan.

There are many budgeting apps out there, so you want to try to find the one that best aligns with your financial needs. Testing a few apps can help you decide the best one, and it also keeps you from paying too much for a budgeting app that you won't end up using.

Pros and Cons of Budgeting Apps

Alternatives to Budgeting Apps

Budgeting apps vs. spreadsheet or diy budgeting methods.

You may prefer building a spreadsheet budget if you don't want to link all of your bank accounts or credit cards in a mobile app. However, setting up and maintaining your budget will primarily hinge on how much work you're willing to put into it.

A budgeting app does the tracking for you. With a spreadsheet, you'll have to either start from scratch or use a template. Either way, a budgeting app still offers more comprehensive features.

Budgeting Apps vs. Personal Finance Software

Budgeting apps and personal finance software share the same features. The best option for you will depend on whether you have preferences on the tool's accessibility.

A budgeting app is primarily designed for mobile experiences. Some apps also have an online dashboard which you can access through your computer, but it is always something that's offered.

Meanwhile, personal finance software is designed for computer access. You'll either download the software to a desktop or use an online platform. Some will also have apps, but some features might not be available.

Budgeting Apps vs. Savings Accounts with Goals Features

Some of the best online banks have added unique features to their savings accounts to help customers with goal-setting.

If you're specifically looking for a way to save for goals, it may benefit you to get a savings account with buckets . Buckets are customizable tools that separate your savings so you can save for specific goals. Since they are an integrated bank account feature, they also might be easier to manage than a budgeting app.

If you would rather have more robust budgeting tools, a budgeting app will likely still stand out to you. Budgeting apps also connect investment accounts, credit cards, and loans, so you'll be able to see everything in one place.

Budgeting App FAQs

A budgeting app is beneficial for tracking expenses and sticking to a budget. It can also help you save for financial goals and prevent lifestyle creep .

To choose the best budgeting app for your needs, consider what your financial goals are and how a budgeting app can best help you achieve them. If you need help cutting back on expenses, you might consider a budgeting app with bill negotiation features. If you need help with savings, you might prioritize an app that helps with goal-setting features.

Most budgeting apps have encryption to store data, making them secure to use if you're linking your accounts. To keep your username and password safe, budgeting apps might also have multi-factor authentication so they can verify your identity when you're logging in.

A budgeting app can help you understand your financial situation so you can create a budget that saves you money over time. These apps can help you find areas where you can reduce your spending. Some also offer a bill negotiation feature so you can see if you can save money on subscriptions.

Yes, there are free budgeting apps available in the Apple and Android stores, though they typically have more limited features than apps with paid subscriptions. The best free budgeting app is Honeydue, which is specifically for couples.

Mint shut down in March 2024. You'll have to switch to Credit Karma if you want to continue using an Intuit personal finance platform, or you can switch to an alternative budgeting app.

In most cases, the best budgeting app for beginners will be one that makes budgeting easy — this means it has an easy-to-use interface and links to your accounts, so you don't have to enter every transaction manually. It can also be good to have an app that teaches you about money.

Rocket Money is our best budgeting app overall, and it has a free plan. If you're in a couple, our top pick is Honeydue which is also free to download.

Why You Should Trust Us: Experts' Advice on the Best Budgeting Apps

We consulted banking and financial planning experts to inform these picks and provide their advice on finding the budgeting app for your needs.

• Sophia Acevedo, banking editor, Business Insider
• Mykail James, MBA, certified financial education instructor, BoujieBudgets.com

Here's what they had to say about budgeting apps. (Some text may be lightly edited for clarity.)

What should I look for in a budgeting app?

Mykail James, MBA, certified financial education instructor, BoujieBudgets.com :

"My best tip for people who are looking to start using a budgeting app is to figure out what you're missing in your financial system. For example, if you are a person who knows that you want to stick to a zero-based budget, and you've been doing that manually, but you need maybe a little bit more help with the organization, then you can center your focus on searching for apps specifically solve your problem."

Sophia Acevedo, banking editor, Business Insider :

"I would look for features that would help me with my goals. Like if I'm trying to curb spending, I would look for a budgeting app that helps me minimize payments in certain spending areas."

How do I know if a budgeting app is right for me?

Mykail James, MBA, CFEI:

"Give it time. Every budgeting app is going to feel uncomfortable during the first month. Give it at least three months before deciding if it's not something for you. Actively try and use it before considering a switch."

Sophia Acevedo, CEPF:

"I would first try out the free version and see how it works. Some budgeting apps are entirely free, while others have different plans or trials at a variety of price points."

Methodology: How Did We Choose the Best Budgeting Apps?

At Business Insider, we aim to help smart people make the best decisions with their money. We understand that "best" is often subjective, so in addition to highlighting the clear benefits of a financial product, we outline the limitations, too.

First, we compiled a list of 18 popular budgeting apps available in both the Google Play Store and Apple Store.

Then, we reviewed each budgeting app for a week. To determine our top picks, we reviewed the initial sign-up process, pricing, budgeting tools, and user experience. We also considered whether each app accomplished everything it advertised, and how regular users reviewed the product on the Apple and Google Play store.

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Editorial Note: Any opinions, analyses, reviews, or recommendations expressed in this article are the author’s alone, and have not been reviewed, approved, or otherwise endorsed by any card issuer. Read our editorial standards .

Please note: While the offers mentioned above are accurate at the time of publication, they're subject to change at any time and may have changed, or may no longer be available.

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