how to solve issues in relationship

10 Tips for Solving Relationship Conflicts

These research-backed tips can make your conflict discussions more constructive..

Posted April 17, 2017 | Reviewed by Jessica Schrader

Conflicts can improve your relationship if handled correctly.
Be direct, but don’t blame your partner for problems or be overly negative.
Trying taking an outside, objective perspective on your relationship problems.

As anyone who has been in a romantic relationship knows, disagreements and fights are inevitable. When two people spend a lot of time together, with their lives intertwined, they are bound to disagree from time to time. These disagreements can be big or small, ranging from what to eat for dinner or failing to complete a chore to arguments about whether the couple should move for one partner’s career or deciding on children’s religious upbringing.

The mere fact that you fight with your partner isn't a sign there is real trouble in your relationship. In fact, when handled properly, fighting can improve your relationship. If you never fight and never talk about your problems, you will never solve them. By dealing with conflicts constructively, you can gain a better understanding of your partner and arrive at a solution that works for both of you. On the other hand, it is also possible for conflicts to escalate and create ill will without resolving anything. How can you improve the odds of a successful resolution to the conflicts in your relationship? Here are 10 research-backed tips:

1. Be direct.

Sometimes people don't just come out and plainly state what is bothering them, and instead choose more indirect ways of expressing their displeasure. 1 One partner may speak to the other in a way that is condescending and implies underlying hostility. Other times, partners may mope and pout without really addressing an issue. Partners may also simply avoid discussing a problem by quickly switching topics when the issue comes up or by being evasive. Such indirect ways of expressing anger are not constructive, because they don't give the person who is the target of the behaviors a clear idea of how to respond. 2 They know their partner is irritated, but the lack of directness leaves them without guidance about what they can do to solve the problem.

2. Talk about how you feel without blaming your partner.

Statements that directly assault your partner’s character can be especially damaging to a relationship. 3 If a man frustrated by his girlfriend's jealousy says "You’re totally irrational!" he is inviting her to become defensive, and this can shut down further conversation. A more constructive strategy is to use "I statements" and pair them with "behavior descriptions." 4 I statements focus on how you feel, without blaming your partner, and behavior descriptions focus on a specific behavior your partner is engaging in, rather than a character flaw. For example, this man might say, "I get irritated when you claim I'm flirting with someone during an innocent conversation." These tactics are direct, but don't impugn your partner's character.

However, it should be noted that these direct negative tactics can be constructive — in some situations. Research has shown that for couples with relatively minor problems, blaming and rejecting one's partner during a conflict discussion was associated with lower relationship satisfaction over time and tended to make problems worse. For couples with major problems , a different picture emerged: Blaming and rejecting behaviors resulted in less satisfaction immediately following the conflict discussion, but over the long term , the problems improved, and this led to increases in relationship satisfaction. 5

3. Never say never (or "always").

When you’re addressing a problem, you should avoid making generalizations about your partner. Statements like "You never help out around the house," or, "You're always staring at your cell phone" are likely to make your partner defensive. Rather than prompting a discussion about how your partner could be more helpful or attentive, this strategy is likely to lead your partner to start generating counterexamples of all the times they were, in fact, helpful or attentive. Again, you don’t want to put your partner on the defensive. 3

4. Pick your battles.

If you want to have a constructive discussion, you need to stick to one issue at a time. Unhappy couples are likely to drag multiple topics into one discussion, a habit renowned conflict researcher John Gottman calls "kitchen-sinking." 3 This refers to the old expression "everything but the kitchen sink," which implies that every possible thing has been included. When you want to solve personal problems, this is probably not the strategy you take with yourself. Imagine that you wanted to think about how to incorporate more physical exercise into your daily routine. You would probably not decide that this would also be a great time to think about how to save more money for retirement , organize your closet, and figure out how to deal with an awkward situation at work. You would try to solve these problems one at a time . This seems obvious, but in the heat of the moment, a fight about one topic can turn into a complaining session, with both partners trading gripes. The more complaints you raise, the less likely it is that any will actually get fully discussed and resolved.

5. Really listen to your partner.

It can be very frustrating to feel like your partner is not paying attention to you. When you interrupt your partner or assume that you know what they're thinking, you're not giving them a chance to express themselves. Even if you are confident that you know where your partner is coming from or know what they're going to say, you could still be wrong, and your partner will still feel like you’re not listening. 6

You can show your partner that you're paying attention by using active listening techniques. 7 When your partner speaks, paraphrase what they say — that is, rephrase it in your own words. This can prevent misunderstandings before they start. You can also perception-check, by making sure that you're interpreting your partner's reactions correctly. For example, "You seem irritated by that comment — am I right?" These strategies both prevent misunderstandings and show your partner that you're paying attention to them and care about what they're saying.

6. Don't automatically object to your partner’s complaints.

When you're criticized, it's hard not to get defensive. But defensiveness doesn't solve problems. Imagine a couple arguing because the wife wants her husband to do more chores around the house. When she suggests that he do a quick clean-up after he gets ready to leave in the morning, he says, "Yes, that would help, but I really don't have time in the morning." When she suggests that he set aside some time on the weekend, he says "Yes, that could be a way to schedule it in, but we usually have plans on weekends, and I have work to catch up on, so that won't work." This "yes-butting" behavior suggests that her ideas and views are not worthwhile. Another destructive, defensive behavior is "cross-complaining," when you respond to your partner's complaint with one of your own. For example, responding to "You don’t clean up enough around the house" with "You’re a neat freak." It's important to hear your partner out and really consider what they're saying. 3

7. Take a different perspective.

In addition to listening to your partner, you need to take their perspective and try to understand where they're coming from. Those who can take their partner's perspective are less likely to become angry during a conflict discussion. 8

Other research has shown that taking a more objective perspective can also be helpful. In one study, researchers staged a simple marital quality intervention, asking participants to write about a specific disagreement they had with their partners from the perspective of a neutral third party who wanted the best for both members of the couple. Couples that engaged in this 20-minute writing exercise three times a year maintained stable levels of marital satisfaction over the course of the year, while couples who didn’t showed declines in satisfaction. 9

8. Do not show contempt for your partner.

Of all of the negative things you can do and say during a conflict, the worst may be contempt . Gottman has found that it is the top predictor of divorce. 3 Contemptuous remarks are those that belittle your partner. This can involve sarcasm and name-calling. It can also include nonverbal behavior like rolling your eyes or smirking. Such behavior is extremely disrespectful, and implies that you're disgusted with your partner.

Imagine that one partner says, "I wish you took me out more," and the other responds, "Oh yes, the most important thing is to see and be seen and overpay for tiny portions of food at some rip-off restaurant. Could you be more superficial?" Or one partner says they're too tired to clean up, and the other responds, "I'm sure you're sooo exhausted after a long day of chatting at the water cooler. I've been busting my butt all day, and you just get home and sprawl out on the couch, staring at your smartphone like a teenager ." This kind of contempt makes it impossible to engage in a real discussion and is likely to elicit anger from your partner, rather than an attempt to solve the problem.

9. Don't get overwhelmed with negativity.

It can be hard not to respond to a partner's bad behavior with even more bad behavior. But indulging that urge will only make the conflict worse. When couples engage in what Gottman and his colleagues calls "negative affect reciprocity," they trade more and more heated insults and contemptuous remarks. 10 And as the conflict goes on, the negativity escalates. So how much is too much negativity? In his research, Gottman found that the magic number is a 5 to 1 ratio : Couples that maintained a ratio of five positive behaviors (e.g., attempts at good-natured humor , warmth, collaboration ) to each negative behavior were significantly less likely to be divorced or separated four years later. 11

10. Know when it's time for a time-out.

If you see yourself falling into negative patterns and find that either you or your partner are not following the tips above, consider taking a time out from your argument. Even a short break for a few deep breaths can be enough to calm hot tempers. 12

What the research on conflict shows is that both perspective taking and controlling your anger are key to managing conflicts well. Airing your grievances can be productive for your relationship, but conflicts must be skillfully managed or you run the risk of making them worse.

1 Canary, D. J., & Lakey, S. (2013). Strategic conflict . New York: Routledge.

2 Overall, N. C., Fletcher, G. J. O., Simpson, J. A., & Sibley, C. G. (2009). Regulating partners in intimate relationships: The costs and benefits of different communication strategies. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 96 , 620-639.

3 Gottman, J. M. (1994). What predicts divorce? The relationship between marital processes and marital outcomes . Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.

4 Fraenkel, P. & Markman, H. J. (2002). Prevention of marital disorders. In D. S. Glenwick & L. A. Jason (Eds.), Innovative strategies for promoting health and mental health across the lifespan (pp. 245-271). New York: Springer.

5 McNulty, J. & Russell, V. M. (2010). When "negative" behaviors are positive: A contextual analysis of the long-term effects of problem-solving behaviors on changes in relationship satisfaction. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 98 , 587-604.

6 Daigen, V. & Holmes, J. G. (2000). Don’t interrupt! A good rule for marriage? Personal Relationships, 7 , 185-201.

7 Markman, H., Stanley, S., & Blumberg, S. M (1994). Fighting for your marriage: Positive steps for preventing divorce and preserving a lasting love . San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.

8 Arriaga, X. B., & Rusbult, C. E. (1998). Standing in my partner’s shoes: Partner perspective taking and reactions to accommodative dilemmas. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 24 , 927–948.

9 Finkel, E. J., Slotter, E. B., Luchies, L. B., Walton, G. M., & Gross, J. J. (2013). A brief intervention to promote conflict reappraisal preserves marital quality over time. Psychological Science, 24 , 1595–1601.

10 Levenson, R. W., Carstensen, L. L., & Gottman, J. M. (1994). Influence of age and gender on affect, physiology, and their interrelations: A study of long-term marriages. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 67 (1), 56-68.

11 Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: Behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63 (2), 221-233.

12 Tavris, C. (1989). Anger: The misunderstood emotion . New York: Simon and Schuster.

Gwendolyn Seidman, Ph.D., is a professor of psychology at Albright College.

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How To Deal With Unresolved Issues In A Relationship: 16 Effective Tips

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pensive unhappy couple sitting back to back illustrating unresolved issues in a relationship

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Problems can’t be swept under the rug forever. At some point, they will come out and create a mess that will be hard to clean up.

Unresolved issues in a relationship could turn your fights over trivial things into arguments about something else you’ve been ignoring.

Suppose you find yourself constantly having the same fight over and over again or resenting each other for something that happened before. In that case, you likely have unresolved issues that need to be addressed.

Keep reading for some steps to deal with unresolved problems in your relationship.

1. Know that your feelings are valid.

Are you denying yourself the right to feel angry at your partner or upset about something they do? Or something they have done before?

To deal with the problems in your relationship, start by allowing yourself to feel those emotions. Don’t think that you shouldn’t feel the way you do.

Whatever you feel is okay, and you probably have justified reasons for the way you feel. If you try to bottle up your feelings instead, they will eventually spill out.

You don’t want to end up resenting your partner because you were too afraid to speak up about what’s bothering you. After all, that’s how unresolved problems stay unresolved.

You have to talk about your feelings with your partner. Start by acknowledging and validating them. You have the right to feel whatever you’re feeling, and your partner should be aware of it. Acknowledging your feelings is necessary if the issues that are causing those feelings are to go away.

2. Keep in mind that all relationships have problems.

You shouldn’t feel so bad about having problems in your relationship.

After all, all relationships experience difficulties. You and your partner shouldn’t beat yourselves up about not being able to have a “perfect relationship.” You are not perfect, and your relationship can’t be perfect either. The problems you’re experiencing aren’t a negative reflection of you; they are just something you have to work through together.

As long as you’re both willing to work on it, anything can be improved or at least managed.

In fact, it’s essential to understand that some things have to be managed and can’t be fully resolved. Don’t put pressure on yourself and your partner if you’re dealing with an unsolvable problem. Learn to accept what you cannot change and find ways to cope with it if it’s not a deal breaker.

Sometimes, there are things that you have to learn to live with if you want to continue a relationship. It’s not the end of the world if a problem persists. As already mentioned, no relationship is without flaws.

If you care about your partner and you can’t seem to fix the issue, it might be time to set new and reasonable expectations.

3. Remember that conflict is normal.

There are conflicts in all relationships from time to time. The important thing to remember is that they are rarely the fault of only one person. Try not to play the blame game and accept that you’ve both played a part in creating the problem instead.

Accept that you have different points of view and try to see things from your partner’s perspective. It’s helpful to have a proactive problem-solving attitude when it comes to conflicts. Instead of shutting down, criticizing your partner, or trying to prove them wrong, seek to make progress.

Try to be calm during conflicts because an argument shouldn’t include yelling and name-calling . If you change your attitude towards conflicts and improve how you fight, it will be easier to resolve issues.

It’s always helpful to limit accusations and aggressive attitudes. Just remember that being assertive in an argument is not the same as being aggressive.

Communicating well is a necessary part of resolving any issues, and it includes proper communication even while you’re upset or angry at each other. Try to look at conflicts as a means to an end. You are not fighting to prove a point or prove your partner wrong. You’re fighting to solve a problem.

4. Remind yourself of all the reasons why you care about your partner.

The unresolved problems in your relationship are probably bothering you. They make you feel negatively toward your partner and the relationship.

To counter these feelings, try to outweigh the negative with the positive.

Think about why you care about your partner before addressing the issue. This will help keep you calm and focused on finding solutions during conflicts. If you want to stay with your partner and save the relationship, you want to have positive feelings to motivate you.

If something has been bothering you for a while now, you might be harboring negative emotions that make you see your partner differently. So, remember why you fell in love with them in the first place and recall their good qualities.

Even if you have many problems in your relationship, if you care about each other enough, you’ll find a way to make it work.

Remind yourself why your partner is worth the trouble before you embark on a journey to solve your problems. Understand that it might take time before things are the way you’d want them to be. You don’t want to harbor negative feelings toward your partner during the time it takes to fix things.

Focus on your partner’s positive traits. Focus on everything that you love about them. It will give you the strength to fight for the relationship and the ability to remain calm enough to discuss the problems with them.

5. Identify the issues in your relationship.

So, there are problems, but are you sure you know what they are?

Are your fights really about the topic you’re fighting about? Or are they about something else that you’re trying to ignore?

Maybe you’re still upset about something that happened before. Perhaps you’re not quite sure what the problem is exactly.

Take some time to identify the issues in your relationship. It might help to talk to someone you trust about them. You could also talk to a therapist who could help you get to the root of the problem.

Maybe there is something that you thought you’d forgiven your partner for, but you’re actually still upset about it. Perhaps you are not even aware of the underlying issue that you’re upset about.

For instance, maybe you think you’re upset because your partner spends a lot of money, but you’re really upset about not being involved in financial decisions. Maybe your partner cheated on you, and you tried to forgive them, but you are still bitter about it.

Whatever the problem is in your relationship, you should spend some time thinking about it. Always try to dig deeper.

What’s on the surface might not be the real issue you’re dealing with, and you can’t fix it if you don’t know what it is exactly.

6. Consider whether the issues are deal breakers.

Not all problems are created equal. Some problems can be lived with. Others ought to spell the end of your relationship.

Ask yourself: can you live with the unresolved issues in your relationship if they happen to stay unresolved? Or are there deal breakers that you’re not willing to settle for?

Be honest with yourself and clear about what you can and can’t tolerate. If you can live with the problems in your relationship, focus on finding ways to thrive in it despite them.

If you have tried fixing them and can’t live with them, you should consider ending the relationship. Not everything can be repaired, and sometimes that’s an uncomfortable realization.

Can you stay with your partner if things don’t change? Have you tried changing them?

Keep in mind that you should be realistic when considering this. Don’t expect things to be perfect with your next partner.

If there are actual deal breakers, it might be best to end things. But if you want to end things because you’re hoping for a perfect relationship with no issues, think about it some more. There will always be problems in any relationship. It’s just a question of which you can tolerate or fix and which you can’t.

7. Consider whether there’s a bright side to it all.

Problems are inherently bad, but there’s usually a bright side. Look at things from a different perspective to see if there’s something positive in all that mess.

For instance, if you hate that you can’t count on your partner, remind yourself how much you love their spontaneity and independence. If the problem is that the relationship has gotten boring, keep in mind that it is also safe and comforting to know you can depend on someone.

Try to look at your specific problem this way, and you might discover that the issue is not as serious as it seems.

When you look at things from a negative perspective, they can feel very overwhelming. Try to maintain a positive attitude and look at things from both sides. Everything usually has upsides and downsides. If you can’t fix the problem it will be helpful to know how to make it work for you and take advantage of its bright side.

8. Don’t assume that your partner doesn’t care about you.

When you’re upset because of the problems in your relationship, you could start thinking that your partner doesn’t care about you. But do you have any evidence to support that theory, or is it clear that your partner cares about you?

Your relationship can survive the problems you’re experiencing if you both want to make it work. Don’t start thinking that the relationship is doomed. Negative thoughts like these can make you see the bad in everything.

If you want to stay in your relationship, always try to have a positive attitude. Having a positive attitude towards problems can help you realize that they’re not as big as they seem.

Having a positive attitude will help you work on the issues in your relationship and communicate with your partner more efficiently – even during arguments. The worst thing that could happen if you try this approach is that you’ll be a happier person. Try to see the good in everything.

Unless you have proof that your partner doesn’t care about you, don’t assume it just because you’re struggling with an issue in your relationship. If you believe your relationship is doomed, it probably will be at some point in the future. So try not to make problems more significant than they already are.

9. Don’t be afraid to speak up and share your thoughts.

The reason the problems you’re experiencing are left unattended may be because you’re scared to speak up about them.

Maybe you are too worried that your partner will get mad at you, or you think that they’ll shut down. Perhaps you’re assuming they’ll say that you’re overreacting or that you’re making a fuss over nothing.

If you can’t talk to your partner about the problems in your relationship, that’s just another problem that’s preventing you from resolving the rest of them.

Don’t be afraid to speak up and tell your partner what’s on your mind. Take some time to think about what you will say before talking to them, especially if you’re worried that you’ll say something wrong.

However, try not to be afraid to speak your mind around them. A relationship where you can’t be honest or discuss problems isn’t a healthy one.

Maybe this is the issue you should address first. You should feel comfortable enough around your partner to speak up about what’s bothering you, so find the courage to do that. You can’t say anything wrong around someone who loves you enough to listen to the entire story.

10. Communicate about the unresolved issues.

You can’t keep postponing the conversation that you need to have with your partner. Talk to them about the problems in your relationship and try to find a way to solve them together.

If you can’t talk about the issue, there is no way you could fix it. Open up to them and have a heart-to-heart conversation about what’s been bothering you. Help your partner see things from your point of view and consider their perspective too. Don’t point fingers or turn the conversation into a big fight. By remaining calm and assertive, it will be easier to get the message across.

You want to fix the problems in your relationship, not create new ones, and your partner should understand that. Try to be empathetic and listen to your partner’s side of the story without criticizing or blaming them. Let them open up to you and share their thoughts and feelings about the issues too.

If you’re having trouble communicating efficiently, seek the help of a relationship counselor and improve your communication skills. Don’t forget that you need to talk about the problems if you want to fix them.

11. Be prepared to forgive, negotiate, and compromise.

Some problems can be resolved simply by forgiving each other for the mistakes you’ve made so far. Be prepared and willing to let go of any resentment and truly forgive your partner, even if they have hurt you a lot. You will also need to be prepared to negotiate and make compromises.

Things might not work out exactly the way you’ve imagined, but things could get better. If your partner shows that they are willing to work on the relationship and meet you halfway, accept that. It might not resolve the issue, but it could make it easier to tolerate it. As long as they address your concerns to some extent, you will be on the right track, and that would be enough for now.

You can’t expect things to change overnight. Working on a relationship takes time, and it’s all about the small steps. You’ll get there as long as you’re looking in the same direction and walking side by side. Don’t insist that the problem be fixed immediately or expect it to happen.

Try to find happiness if you’re making progress and if your partner is willing to do something about it. Progress alone might not be enough in the long run, but it’s a huge step forward for now.

12. Work on your friendship.

To be great partners to each other, you also need to be good friends.

Work on building your friendship. Engage in fun activities together, discover shared interests, share a hobby, and go on regular dates. There are lots of fun ideas for quality time together – both inside and outside the home. And using them will help you work on the problems in your relationship.

Don’t only be romantic partners – be a team, be best friends, and work on improving your love life together. Start talking more and opening up to each other if you’ve been having trouble with that.

Most importantly, laugh more and remind yourselves of all the reasons why you enjoy each other’s company. Make each other feel loved, appreciated, and cherished.

If you can be friends and work as a team, you can do anything, including resolving your issues. So, work on deepening the bond, strengthening the connection, and truly becoming good friends that enjoy being around each other.

13. Don’t sweep problems under the rug.

Problems don’t go away when you choose to ignore them and sweep them under the rug. Start addressing issues in your relationship as soon as they appear. The sooner you fix them, the better.

What’s the point in postponing it until the problem gets bigger and more difficult to manage?

The most important part of all of this is being friends, talking about issues calmly, and working on them together. When you fight, don’t spend days not talking to each other or pouting. Have a grown-up discussion about your problems as soon as you can calmly talk about them.

If your relationship is going to last, you’ll need to figure out which issues need managing and which need resolving. Look at this as a training period for what’s yet to come.

The fact that there’ll always be some problems shouldn’t scare you; that’s just life. If you have the right attitude and effective communication in your relationship, you can overcome it all together.

14. Find ways to work on the problem together.

Remind yourself that both of you took part in creating the problem. Therefore, it’s your joint responsibility to solve it. It takes two to tango, so accept that the current state of your relationship is not only one partner’s fault. Accept your part of the blame instead of blaming your partner for everything. This is the first step to resolving the problem together.

Your partner needs to be willing to find a way to make things work. After all, you can’t fix your relationship without them. Both of you need to put an equal amount of effort into making your relationship as happy and healthy as it can be. Encourage your partner to accept their part of the blame too.

You can set a positive example with your behavior. If your partner makes progress, acknowledge it and praise them for it. Don’t forget – you’re in this together.

15. Accept your differences but work on improving yourselves.

Not all problems have a solution; you might have to accept that you and your partner have your differences. You won’t always see eye to eye, and that’s normal. Again, some problems can’t be fixed, but if you can live with them, it’s worth trying to make it work with your partner.

Relationships aren’t always smooth sailing, and no one is a saint. Sometimes you just have to agree to disagree and move past it. If you can’t find a way to fix something, you might find a way to accept it.

Maybe you’ll need to forgive your partner for something they did, or you’ll accept the bad with the good. Whatever the case may be, if you care about your partner and they feel the same way about you, don’t give up on the relationship because there are some difficulties.

Learn to be happy despite the difficulties. You can do that by putting effort into making each other happy. Work on improving yourself and your relationship because happy couples grow together in their relationships .

16. Talk to a relationship expert.

Ultimately, the most effective way to resolve issues in your relationship depends on the problem and your specific situation. Talking to someone about it might be the best idea.

A relationship counselor could give you tailored advice based on your specific circumstances. You can speak to one with or without your partner. It might be best to try out a session on your own and include your partner after the counselor is familiar with the issue.

By all means, seek the help of your loved ones as well. However, know that an experienced professional might be more objective and give you better insights into the problem.

When you want to improve your relationship, you should use all the help you can get, and there’s no shame in talking to a counselor.

If this is something you feel is right for you, speak to one of the relationships experts at Relationship Hero . You can connect with them via video, phone, or instant message to get the help and advice you need.

Click here to learn more or to talk to someone right now.

About The Author

Ana Vakos enjoys writing about love and all the problems that come with it. Everyone has experiences with love, and everyone needs dating advice, so giving these topics more attention and spreading the word means a lot to her.

Conflict Resolution in Relationships & Couples: 5 Strategies

While conflict is not uncommon, if left unresolved along with related stress, it can damage the bonds that form between people (Overall & McNulty, 2017).

If we accept that all partners will disagree at times, we must also recognize that it is crucial to find a resolution to ensure that the relationship’s health is maintained (Grieger, 2015).

This article explores conflict and its resolution in couples and other relationships, introducing key strategies and activities to help avoid or recover from any harm done.

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our three Positive Communication Exercises (PDF) for free . These science-based tools will help you and those you work with build better social skills and better connect with others.

This Article Contains:

Is conflict resolution important for healthy relationships, how to resolve conflicts in relationships: 4 steps, 5 helpful strategies for couples & married people, 5 exercises, activities, & worksheets for couples therapy, resources from positivepsychology.com, a take-home message.

Conflict need not always lead to damage. Challenge and disagreement within a relationship (romantic or otherwise) can encourage growth, deeper understanding, improved communication , and progress toward a goal (Overall & McNulty, 2017; Tatkin, 2012).

But this is not always the case.

The most critical aspect of conflict affecting the health of a relationship is its resolution. There will always be disagreement and differences of opinion of one kind or another. However, to avoid a loss of trust, damage to intimacy, or behavior that further upsets the relationship, “the couple will want to make sure that the resolution does not leave lingering hurt or resentment in one or both of them” (Grieger, 2015, p. 161).

Clinical psychologist Russell Grieger (2015) suggests that disagreements have four possible outcomes:

The outcome is good for the first person, but not the second. This is a win–lose situation. One person gets what they want, while the other is left defeated, possibly feeling hurt, angry, and resentful. Such feelings may lead to further disagreements or surface in other areas of the relationship.
The outcome benefits the second person, but not the first. This is similar to the first possible outcome, only this time it is the first person within the relationship who is left feeling thwarted or slighted (a lose–win scenario).
The outcome is bad for both people. The third option is bad for both people; they equally face loss (lose–lose). Often a result of stubbornness on both sides when neither wants the other to ‘win,’ so neither will give in . Again, this is damaging for the relationship and, if ongoing or repeated, ultimately toxic.
A resolution is found that is appropriate for both people. The couple or partners work toward an equally beneficial resolution and achieve a win–win outcome. Neither person is left feeling defeated or damaged, leading to increased confidence and trust in the relationship .

Undoubtedly, the fourth option is the most ideal for a long-term, healthy partnership and avoids the potential for a downward spiral in the relationship (Grieger, 2015). When in response to conflict, a win–win outcome leads to growth and moving forward.

Step 1 – Eliminate relationship disturbances Firstly, it is vital to remove or at least reduce emotions that will get in the way of conflict resolution, such as hurt, anger, and resentment.

Otherwise, either side is unlikely to listen patiently and openly to what the other is saying.

Step 2 – Commit to a win–win posture Each party must commit to finding a solution that works equally for both. One side winning while the other loses is not acceptable. The couple must remain motivated and open to change.
Step 3 – Adopt purposeful listening A win–win solution is more likely when each partner is actively listening to the other. Each individual knows what a win looks like for themselves but now must purposefully listen to the other, avoiding censorship or judgment.

Once both have a shared understanding, a win–win solution is possible.

Step 4 – Practice synergistic brainstorming The couple can progress toward identifying a workable resolution, having removed any emotional contamination, adopted a win–win mindset, and fully committed to a win for both.

The couple can share ideas, hopes, needs, goals, and concerns until finding a solution that satisfies both of them.

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Conflict can become an unhealthy habit, leading to a repeating pattern of one or both partners consistently feeling they have lost (Grieger, 2015).

It’s important to consider what brought the couple together in the first place and what they can do more or less of to show their love and understand one another better going forward.

Launching and landing rituals

Heading out to work, school, or the store is described as launching , a time when one partner leaves the relationship world for the non-relationship world (Tatkin, 2012).

Launchings and landings (returning to the relationship) can be an opportunity for conflict or the perfect chance to build healthy relationship-building habits.

Ask yourself or your client:

Do you run out the door?
Do you give a lingering kiss and share a moment?
Do you return, slamming the door as you come in and ask what’s for dinner?
Do you walk in with a smile and a funny story to tell?

What is right for one couple may not be for the next. It is essential to consider the message sent by each partner’s behavior. An enjoyable farewell and return can, in time, improve connections and reduce the risk of conflict.

Blueprint for love

Caddell (2013) describes the importance of building a blueprint for love. Conflict often arises from misunderstandings or a failure to consider the other’s needs and wishes.

Understanding what a loving relationship looks like to your partner may make it easier to recognize what upsets or frustrates them.

Use the Blueprint for Love worksheet to reflect on how a relationship’s blueprint for love might look.

The exercise begins by asking the client to think of a couple from their past who had a loving relationship. It may be their parents, or they can choose two other people who showed love, acceptance, and caring for one another. Then the person considers what they are looking for in a relationship.

Nothing swept under the rug

Conflict is often unavoidable and sometimes outside of our control. However, how we respond to disagreements, harsh words, and arguments is .

Tatkin (2012, p. 155) suggests couples should adopt the “policy never to avoid anything, no matter how difficult.” Not leaving things to fester and returning at a later date requires paying attention to one another and recognizing what is sensitive for the other person.

Aim to discuss and agree on a mutually beneficial outcome as soon as possible after an issue occurs. If that’s not possible, then agree when it can be discussed.

Revisiting the past

Sometimes couples forget what they saw in each other when they first met. Instead, they become wrapped up in repeating patterns of arguing, disagreements, and conflict.

Revisiting the past can serve as a helpful reminder of what is good about a couple and review why they are together (Williams, 2012).

Ask the couple to consider and discuss the following relationship therapy questions :

What made you fall in love with each other?
What were your early years like together?
How were things better then?
How are things better now?
How do you currently show your partner that you care?
What does your partner do that makes you feel loved?
What caring behaviors can you do more of or start?

Focus on good communication

Clear, open, and complete dialogue is crucial to a successful relationship and reducing conflict. Sharing and understanding are best achieved when we are not projecting our own beliefs about a partner or what they are going to say but genuinely paying attention to verbal and nonverbal behavior (Hannah, Luquet, Hendrix, Hunt, & Mason, 2005).

Effective listening takes practice. Focus on your partner, what they have to say, and how they act; do not divide attention by looking at your phone or people passing by. Hear what they are saying and how they say it, rather than attending to your own thoughts. And crucially, be comfortable with moments of silence and practice nonjudgment.

Yet this can lead to any resolution being preferable to none due to the fear or discomfort of conflict.

To break out of the lose–win, win–lose, or lose–lose pattern often experienced in a relationship, each partnership must find their own path to achieving a win–win outcome (Grieger, 2015).

The following couples therapy exercises help to remove obstacles in the way of achieving positive outcomes in order to better understand how to ensure both partners win:

Removing relationship disturbances

Existing relationship disturbances can negatively affect finding an appropriate conflict resolution.

Ask each partner to complete the Removing Relationship Disturbances worksheet.

The exercise begins by each partner identifying existing disagreements and conflicts in their relationship and the emotional reactions that accompany them.

Couples answer the following:

What do we disagree about?
How do I emotionally react?
How does my partner emotionally react?

To help with this exercise, couples can think about times when they experienced hurt, upset, anger, insecurity, and fear.

Next, they consider what they could do to remove such disturbances, being specific. What actions could resolve the problem causing these emotional reactions?

Agree to a Win–Win Mindset

Finding a better outcome to conflict requires adopting a win–win mindset. Grieger (2015) suggests rather than asking yourself, “How can I get what I want?” ask, “How can we get what we want?”

This change in approach requires a commitment from both partners to find solutions to problems that lead to mutual satisfaction.

Ask each partner to complete the Agree to a Win–Win Mindset and sign off on the following:

I, ____________________________, commit to adopting a win–win mindset where I work toward outcomes from current and future disagreements so that we both get what we want and need.

Tell them that to achieve a win–win outcome from conflicts, they need to commit to the mindset that they want to reach satisfactory results from all aspects of their relationship.

Once they have both physically signed up, put the sheet somewhere visible in the house to remind both parties that a new mindset is required throughout the relationship, now and in the future.

Listening With Purpose

To understand what a win means for the other person during conflict or a disagreement, it is essential to listen well, forming a deep understanding of their needs, hopes, fears, and wishes.

Use the Listening With Purpose worksheet to capture what winning looks like for both partners in a relationship before considering the next steps.

The couple should take some time, preferably in a place where they both feel safe and comfortable, to discuss what outcome they would like from the existing disagreement.

Without judgment and allowing each person the opportunity to talk openly, they should be able to share what they want. Remember, there is no right or wrong answer – only a true reflection of needs.

Brainstorming for Synergy

Compromise is essential in any relationship, particularly during conflict. Each partner must consider giving something up of similar value so that they meet somewhere in the middle (Grieger, 2015).

Use the Brainstorming for Synergy worksheet to encourage bouncing ideas off each other until the couple finds a win for both partners.

Capture the following:

What is the disagreement about?
What does a win for each person look like?
Brainstorm ideas that could lead to mutual satisfaction.

Often, resolutions to conflict and disagreement feel like a win to both parties; this is a win–win situation. The couple’s goal should be for mutual satisfaction.

Regular Couple Check-Ups

We have regular check-ups for our physical wellbeing, so why not for our relationship health? Without regular monitoring, we don’t know if we are doing things right or wrong for the relationship and avoiding unnecessary conflict.

Grieger (2015) suggests the beginning of the month is a great time to attend to the health of the relationship. Use the Regular Couple Check-Ups worksheet to take stock honestly and openly and make plans for keeping the relationship on track or shake things up a little.

Ask each partner to consider the following questions together or apart:

What is working well in the relationship, and what should we keep doing?
What is working okay in the relationship that we could improve?
What are we not doing that we need to start?
What are we not doing so well and need to stop, improve, or replace?

The check-ups must be approached with an open, win–win mindset. This is not an opportunity to score points, but to perform a relationship health check and move forward in a positive way.

Couples therapist: 5 steps to repair conflict in your relationship

If you’re looking for more tools to help your clients strengthen their relationships, be sure to check out three of our hand-picked exercises from the Positive Psychology Toolkit©, which you can download for free in our 3 Positive Relationships Exercises Pack .

Here’s a quick snapshot of what’s included:

Connecting with Others by Self-Disclosure In this exercise, clients practice answering questions that require personal disclosure. With one person acting as a listener while the other speaks, it is an opportunity for clients to get comfortable with the vulnerability inherent in self-disclosure as a means to strengthen intimacy and connection.
Identifying our Expert Companions This exercise introduces clients to the notion of an expert companion as someone who can listen and help guide them through challenging times. In it, clients will discover the qualities inherent in their ideal expert companion and identify someone in their life who is best suited to fill this valuable role.
The Sound Relationship House Inspection This exercise teaches couples the nine elements of the Sound Relationship House (SRH) as a metaphor for the functioning of their relationship. By having each partner rate their perception of the nine elements, couples will clarify areas of agreement and aspects of the relationship that would benefit from greater nurturing and attention.

Try out these powerful tools for yourself by downloading the exercise pack today.

Additional reading we recommend includes:

14 Conflict Resolution Strategies & Techniques for the Workplace This article about conflict resolution in the workplace is a helpful additional read, especially where couples work together. Whether it is working in the family business or working from home, these can cause conflict so be sure to have a look at this article too.

If you’re looking for more science-based ways to help others communicate better, this collection contains 17 validated positive communication tools for practitioners. Use them to help others improve their communication skills and form deeper and more positive relationships.

17 Exercises To Develop Positive Communication

17 Positive Communication Exercises [PDFs] to help others develop communication skills for successful social interactions and positive, fulfilling relationships.

Created by Experts. 100% Science-based.

Conflict is a natural part of life. While it is not always damaging, it plays an inevitable role in every relationship.

Indeed, “all couples have disagreements. It is impossible to avoid them. It is how they handle them that will make or break their relationship” (Grieger, 2015, p. 164).

While couples should try to avoid a repeating pattern of conflict, when conflict is inevitable, they should seek a solution that leaves neither party feeling unfairly treated, hurt, or angry. If the resolution leaves one person feeling slighted or resentful, it can creep into other areas of the relationship.

A win–win outcome is most likely when we commit to fairness and listen to one another with open minds and hearts. We must use what we hear and what we already know of the other person to work together and find a solution where no one is left feeling they have lost.

While it is essential to avoid unnecessary conflict, it is helpful to develop an environment in which a couple can flourish and adopt a compassionate, trusting outlook that avoids damage or aids healing when conflict is unavoidable.

These strategies, worksheets, and exercises, teamed with the desire to grow and develop as a couple, provide a way to resolve conflict and form deeper bonds.

We hope you enjoyed reading this article. Don’t forget to download our three Positive Communication Exercises (PDF) for free .

Caddell, J. (2013). Your best love: The couple’s workbook and guide to their best relationship. Author .
Grieger, R. (2015). The couples therapy companion: A cognitive behavior workbook . Routledge, Taylor & Francis Group.
Hannah, M. T., Luquet, W., Hendrix, H., Hunt, H., & Mason, R. C. (2005). Imago relationship therapy: Perspectives on theory . Jossey-Bass.
Overall, N. C., & McNulty, J. K. (2017). What type of communication during conflict is beneficial for intimate relationships? Current Opinion in Psychology , 13 , 1–5.
Tatkin, S. (2012). Wired for love: How understanding your partner’s brain and attachment style can help you defuse conflict and build a secure relationship . New Harbinger.
Williams, M. (2012). Couples counseling: A step by step guide for therapists . Viale.

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What our readers think.

Thank you for this beautiful article. What happens when the other party don’t want to communicate but wants some space.

Thanks for your question. Sadly, we do not have any control over the way that others choose to communicate with us. We do, however, have full agency over the way that we act in response to another person’s communication style.

It’s important to remember that a conversation probably won’t be very productive if the parties involved have different needs at that moment, so it is probably best to wait until everyone involved is ready to discuss.

I hope this helps!

-Caroline | Community Management

In my relationship, I like to resolve things quickly, but my partner tends to push things off and never takes the initiative to start these conversations. It leaves me feeling resentful, even though I want to respect his desire to take space. How is a good way of addressing this?

It’s understandable that you’re feeling frustrated in this situation. Communication is crucial in any relationship, and it can be challenging when the ways you and your partner handle conflicts differ. Here are a few suggestions that might help:

– Express your feelings: Start by letting your partner know how you’re feeling, using “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. For instance, you might say, “I feel a bit upset when we don’t resolve our disagreements promptly, and it often leaves me feeling resentful.” – Understanding each other’s needs: It’s important to understand that people have different ways of processing emotions and conflicts. Your partner might need more time to think things through, while you might prefer addressing issues immediately. Discuss these differences openly and try to understand each other’s needs. – Find a compromise: Based on your understanding of each other’s needs, try to find a middle ground. Perhaps you could agree to give your partner some space to process, but they also agree to initiate a conversation about the issue within a certain timeframe. – Seek professional help: If these conversations are difficult or if you can’t seem to find a compromise, you might find it helpful to seek guidance from a relationship counselor.

Remember, it’s perfectly normal for couples to have different conflict resolution styles. The key is to communicate openly, understand each other’s needs, and find a compromise that works for both of you.

Best of luck, Julia | Community Manager

Please help me my marriage is divorced before 1 year.i have very regret.so how I can be resolved.the problem

Hi Alemnesh,

I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling regret. Have you considered speaking with someone, perhaps a coach, therapist, or even a good friend, about your feelings surrounding the relationship? Of course, what to do next largely depends on the circumstances surrounding the end of the relationship, but perhaps sharing your concerns with someone you can trust may give you some insight or encouragement to help you move forward, whether that means looking to move on or trying to rekindle the relationship.

I wish you all the best.

– Nicole | Community Manager

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A research-based approach to relationships

Managing vs. Resolving Conflict in Relationships: The Blueprints for Success

A look at three “conflict blueprints” to help you and your partner constructively manage conflict around unsolvable problems.

Managing vs. Resolving Conflict in Relationships The Blueprints for Success

In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work , Dr. John Gottman’s research proves that 69% of problems in a relationship are unsolvable. These may be things like personality traits your partner has that rub you the wrong way, or long-standing issues around spending and saving money. Their research findings emphasize the idea that couples must learn to manage conflict rather than avoid or attempt to eliminate it.

Trying to solve unsolvable problems is counterproductive, and no couple will ever completely eliminate them. However, discussing them is constructive and provides a positive opportunity for understanding and growth. Let’s look at three “conflict blueprints” to help you and your partner constructively manage conflict around unsolvable problems.

Conflict Blueprint #1: Current Conflicts

This blueprint addresses current conflicts. Based on game theory, a mathematical model that describes how to manage conflict and improve cooperation with others, this blueprint stresses that both partners put off persuasion tactics until each one can state their position clearly and fully. This involves each speaker and listener taking turns.

Both partners must be emotionally calm when speaking. The listener should take notes on what the speaker says. The speaker should focus on using a softened start-up, stating feelings by using “I” statements, and asking for needs to be met in a positive and respectful way.

Tips to effectively navigate Blueprint #1:

Take a 15 to 20 minute break if things get too heated, and do something soothing and distracting that will help you calm down. When you return to talk, only one person should “have the floor” to talk while the other partner listens. No interruptions!
Begin the conversation with a soft or curious tone. Use an “I” statement and express something you need. For example, “Could I ask you something? I felt embarrassed when you spoke down to me in front of our friends. Could you please be aware of that in the future?”
Use repair attempts . Say key phrases to help your partner see that you are trying to understand and deescalate the conflict. For example, you can apologize, use humor appropriately, say “I hear you” or “I understand” and so on. Body language is important, too. Nod your head, make eye contact, and even offer a physical gesture of affection.

Conflict Blueprint #2: Attachment Injuries

This blueprint focuses on discussing past emotional injuries, often known as triggers, that occurred prior to or during the relationship. Also called “ attachment injuries ” by Dr. Sue Johnson, these can create resentment from past events that have gone unresolved. These frequently involve breaches of trust.

It is crucial to avoid being negative when discussing triggers. You both need to speak calmly and understand that both of your viewpoints are valid, even if you disagree. The goals are to gain comprehension of each other’s perspective and to acknowledge that regrettable incidents are inevitable in long-term relationships.

There are five primary components to a discussion about an emotional injury. These five steps are from the Gottmans’ Aftermath of a Fight or Regrettable Incident booklet . A couple should focus on describing how they feel, expressing their individual personal realities, exploring any underlying triggers, taking responsibility and apologizing, and forming productive plans for healing.

Tips to effectively navigate Blueprint #2:

Offer a genuine apology to your partner regardless of your agreement or disagreement with their perspective. Focus only on the fact that you hurt your partner and that you need to take responsibility.
Verbalize what you can take responsibility for, as well as any other factors that played into you getting caught up in the fight. For example, “I was too harsh when I spoke to you” or “I was stressed all day and took it out on you.”
Ask your partner what he or she needs from you to heal and move forward. Be sure to follow through on the request.

Conflict Blueprint #3: Gridlock and Dialogue

Couples are often either “gridlocked” or “in dialogue” on their perpetual problems, and research suggests that these problems concern personality differences or core fundamental needs. Being in dialogue, the preferred status, is when the couple has learned to accept their differences on that topic even though minor arguments arise occasionally. Overall, the couple has made peace on the issue and they agree to disagree.

Moving from gridlock to dialogue involves examining the meaning and dreams that form the basis for each partner’s steadfast perspective. Each partner may be able to find a way to honor their partner’s dreams, which often amounts to fulfilling a core need regarding the issue at stake.

Those couples who successfully navigate a recurring problem in their relationship have learned to express acceptance of their partner’s personality, and they can talk about and appreciate the underlying meaning of each other’s position on the issue.

Tips to effectively navigate Blueprint #3

Take turns speaking and listening. As the speaker, you should communicate clearly and honestly. Where does your perspective or position on the issue come from, and what does it symbolize for you? What kinds of lifelong dreams or core issues are at stake for you?
As the listener, you must create a safe space for the speaker. No judging or arguing, and don’t give advice or try to solve the problem. Show genuine interest in what your partner is telling you, and allow them enough time and space to fully communicate their concerns. Ask questions so that you can both fully explore the issue and its related meaning.
Find ways to create small compromises that can pave the way to larger plans. If your dreams differ, try to find areas where they overlap, or try to make plans to give each partner’s dreams a chance to grow and become reality.

All relationships have perpetual problems that crop up throughout your lives as a couple. Psychologist Dan Wile once said that “when choosing a long-term partner, you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unresolvable problems.” No one escapes this fact. Fortunately, we have real science that helps couples learn how to manage such conflicts and keep their love alive and well.

Click here for more detailed information on Dealing with Conflict and for tips and exercises designed to improve your relationship.

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Get the latest on relationships, parenting, therapy and more, from the experts at The Gottman Institute. Includes a free download every month.

Dr. Marni Feuerman, LCSW, LMFT is in private practice in Boca Raton, Florida where she specializes in couples therapy. Dr. Marni is certified in Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) and Discernment Counseling. She also blogs on About.com, Huffington Post and Dr. Oz’s ShareCare. For more information, visit her website .

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30 Common Relationship Problems and Solutions

Jeannie Sytsma, AMFT, works for Relationship Reality 312 in downtown Chicago. At this highly-respected private practice she works mainly with couples who are experiencing... Read More

Sylvia Smith shares insights on love revitalization and conscious living. She believes purposeful actions can transform relationships into happier, healthier ones.

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In This Article

Even the best of relationships run into problems sometimes. You’re both tired from work, or the kids are in trouble at school, or your in-laws are getting on your last nerve…you know how it goes.

Life throws all kinds of challenges at a relationship, from relocation to redundancy to illness. No wonder problems arise in even the strongest relationships.

To keep a relationship running smoothly, it is important to solve marriage problems before they snowball into bigger relationship problems.

When do relationships start to have common relationship problems?

For some, however, that phase of love eventually fades. As time passes and both parties of the relationship make their fair share of mistakes, what was once intoxicating becomes intolerable.

Much of the common relationship issues that couples face are minor and can easily be avoided with mutual effort, understanding and respect. Although bumps along the path of marriage are unavoidable, if you are aware of them beforehand, you will be able to overcome them without leading your relationship to the verge of collapse.

None of us are perfect, nor will we exactly be the same on every level.

Some character flaws, on the other hand, will be natural and acceptable. But if there are behaviors, perhaps a little lie here or an indiscretion there, it’s essential to consider that on a grander scale as the relationship progresses.

Is that an ongoing problem you want to work through continually, or does that constitute a deal-breaker? Something to consider.

10 causes of common relationship issues

What can destroy a relationship ? Many of the problems couples come to me for, seem to stem from issues that either cause or intensify their problems. But once couples learn how to address these two issues, everything else seems to start falling into place also.

Check out these causes of common relationship issues or issues behind relationship problems before understanding ways to solve common relationship problems:

Expectations

One of the fastest ways to create unhappiness and instability in a relationship is through disappointment. And very few things create disappointment as quickly as unmet expectations.

But, there are typically two common relationship problems with expectations in a relationship:

unrealistic expectations
unclear expectations

Oftentimes, couples struggle to meet each other’s expectations because they are simply unrealistic. It’s important to understand that our expectations often derive from other people, past experiences, beliefs, or internal values. But, that doesn’t change the fact that they are sometimes very toxic to our relationship.

Alternatively, couples sometimes struggle to meet each other’s expectations because they simply don’t know what the other one expects from them or in their relationship.

Now, maybe you are pretty certain about what YOU expect from your relationship and your partner, but that doesn’t mean that your partner can read your mind, which means they most likely have no clue what you expect.

If you want to avoid unhappiness in your relationship, it is your responsibility to be very clear about your expectations and share those with your partner.

If in doing so, you come to realize that some of your expectations might be slightly unrealistic, or even impossible to meet, you might want to review where that expectation comes from and what is more important – being unrealistic or being happy.

2. Communication

One of the most common relationship issues that couples face is communication. There is often either a complete absence of communication, constant miscommunication , or very poor communication. The end result is almost always frustration, unhappiness, and unmet needs. Many times the root cause of the communication issue is in “interpretation.”

You misunderstand what the other person is saying and spend too much time and energy arguing a point your partner never intended. It’s a futile exercise. It is, therefore, essential to take the time to fully comprehend what your partner is trying to say.

Also, if you’re the one talking, it’s important to make sure you’re communicating clearly and exactly what you mean so that your partner can understand. You need to recognize the fact that their perspective is not the same as yours.

Their experiences, points of view, and even baggage are not the same as yours. But good communication demands empathy. It’s to see the world through their eyes as much as possible and then treat them the way that you would treat yourself.

3. Unsupportive partner

Another common relationship problem occurs when a partner is unsupportive of goals and interests. When you are in a relationship, you want to treat your partner like they can be whatever they want to be.

You want them to follow their dreams and will do anything you can to help support them along the way – and you expect the same in return!

4. Finances

One of the most common relationship problems couples will admit to are troubles in the relationship with finances. Not having enough money or not knowing how to split your financial burdens , as well as loss of jobs, a lack of money, poor money management, debt, and overspending are all common issues that can put pressure on relationships.

Discuss your finances when your relationship gets serious, and be honest about any debt you may have. Rely on one another if money gets tight and never stop communicating.

5. Cheating and other forms of infidelity

Cheating is a huge issue in relationships today. The internet has made all forms of cheating as simple as downloading an app. Sexting, emotional affairs , porn, sneaking around, and physical relationships with someone other than your romantic partner are all huge issues that damage relationships, sometimes irreversibly.

Infidelity is a hard subject to broach with your romantic partner, but it is in the best interest of your relationship to let your partner know when you are emotionally or physically checking out. You owe it to yourself to give your relationship another shot. Get your issues out in the open either with date nights or regular honest communication or seek couples counseling to help mend your relationship.

6. Not enough time spent alone

Some of the common relationship problems involve not spending enough time alone together. This is especially true for couples who have children. Between work and family obligations, you sometimes feel more like roommates than romantic partners . This is because you have stopped ‘dating’ one another. Such circumstances can make a romantic partner feel unappreciated, unattractive, and emotionally frustrated.

Call up your favorite babysitter and establish a child-free date night once a week with your spouse. This allows you to reconnect as a couple instead of as parents. Go on dates and treat one another like you’re still trying to woo each other.

Boredom is a common problem in long-term relationships. Being with the same person for many years can seem to take the ‘spark’ out of your union. You may also feel you have outgrown one another. Don’t despair or give up.

You can reverse this feeling by looking for new ways to connect with your partner. Look for new things to do together such as travel or take up a hobby. This will help you bond over something fun and exciting.

8. Sexual intimacy

As the years go by and your relationship becomes seasoned, there will likely be a point where your sexual flame will dim. There could be a multitude of reasons as to why you or your partners in sex has dwindled, but no matter what the cause is, this decrease in sexual intimacy tends to cause common relationship issues.

In order to avoid such problems, there are a few important things that you should consider:

As you spend more and more time with someone, the act of sex becomes predictable. In most cases, the more predictable the sex, the less fun it is to have. Think about your favorite movie for a second. When you first saw it, you were enthralled. You watched it over and over again, enjoying every viewing.

But after 10, 20, or 30 times seeing the same plotline play out, you only pulled it out for special occasions. Your sex life is just like that favorite movie. So, spice things up . Your favorite movie’s plotline is set in stone. The plotline between you and your spouse’s sexual experience can be changed any time you want it to.

Get creative, get ambitious, and understand that it’s not the other person’s fault. It’s just that, although you enjoy having sex, it’s just the same thing over and over again. Try something new today.

Your expectations for your sex life may be a bit unrealistic. As your sex life loses steam, you likely are replacing more love and appreciation in the void left behind. Instead of harping on the lack of sex you’re having , take a moment and be grateful for the person you get to lay your head down next to.

9. The anger habit

The anger habit soon gets ingrained, and before you know it, you’re spending a large chunk of time fighting with your partner.

Think about it – if someone is angry and shouting at you, how likely are you to listen carefully and look for a solution?

Most people, understandably, react to anger with either anger or fear.

10. Not consulting each other

Let your partner know that they are a priority to you by consulting them before you make decisions.

Big decisions like whether to take a new job or move to a new city are obvious life choices that should be discussed with your spouse.

But don’t forget to include them in smaller decisions such as who picks up the kids tonight, making plans with friends for the weekend, or whether you eat dinner together or grab something for yourself.

10 signs of relationship problems that hurt the most

All relationships have their highs and lows, even the happiest of ones. There is no escaping them, and if not dealt with accurately, they can lead your relationships towards absolute chaos and destruction.

Here are 10 signs your relationship is having problems:

You both spend less amount of time together
There is minimal communication
You both are critical of each other
One partner indicates that the relationship is not going well
Differences of opinions are criticized than worked upon
You both are always defensive in front of each other
You both have stopped discussing long-term plans
You set other priorities over your relationship
Maintaining the relationship feels like a duty
You are happier when they are not around and vice versa

30 relationship problems and solutions

Now, how to solve relationship issues?

Common relationship issues are not hard to solve; all you need for that is a strong will to work on your relationship issues, and love , of course.

Here are some common marriage problems and the solutions for how to resolve your relationship problems that you should know about.

When wondering about how to solve relationship problems, it can be useful to read first and then bring the conversation up about how to handle relationship problems with your partner.

1. Lack of trust

Lack of trust is a major problem in any relationship.

Lack of trust isn’t always related to infidelity – it can rear its head any time. If you find yourself constantly doubting your partner or wondering if they’re truthful with you, it’s time to tackle your trust issues together .

Relationship problems will keep mushrooming when there is a dearth of trust in a relationship.

Solution :

Be consistent and trustworthy. Each of you should make an effort to be where you say you’re going to be and do what you say you’re going to do. This is one of the best solutions to marriage problems.

Call when you say you’ll call. Never lie to your partner. Showing empathy and respect for your partner’s feelings also helps to build trust.

2. Overwhelm

When life gets too much, you get overwhelmed. Maybe you’re in the midst of going after a promotion at work. Maybe they’re dealing with a troubled teenage son or daughter.

Whatever the reason, your relationship soon takes a back seat. Then relationship problems keep building up.

Solution:

Talk to each other about what’s happening, and about what kind of support each of you needs . Lean on each other instead of getting so caught up in other issues that they drive a wedge between you.

Figure out together a time that will be just for you two.

3. Poor communication

Poor communication leads to misunderstandings, fights, and frustration. It also leads to one or both of you feeling unheard and invalidated and can quickly build into resentment and other common relationship issues.

Communication is a skill like any other, and learning it can make all the difference to your relationship. Learn how to listen without judging or interrupting, and how to get your point across without attacking.

Communicate with each other as friends, not combatants. Figure out what your communication style is and how compatible it is with your partner.

Work your way towards the solution by understanding what communication style would work better for both of you.

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4. Not prioritizing each other

It’s so easy to take your partner for granted , especially when you have a lot of things going on. Before you know it, the only time you get together is over a hurried family dinner or while trying to get out the door in the morning.

Make time for each other every single day. No matter how busy you are, carve out fifteen or thirty minutes; that’s just for the two of you to talk and spend quiet time together.

Text regularly throughout the day. Add in a weekly date night to make sure your partner knows they’re your priority.

5. Money stress

Money is a leading cause of stress in relationships . Maybe there’s not enough. Or maybe there is enough, but they spend it while you prefer to save. Perhaps you feel they’re too tight with the purse strings.

Whatever the issue, money can quickly cause problems.

One of the tips to fix old relationship issues regarding finances is to put those good communication skills to work here and have a serious talk about money. Figure out a budget that you both agree on and stick to it.

Work out a financial plan for your future and take steps towards it together. Make crystal clear agreements and keep them.

6. Changing priorities

We all change as we move through life. Maybe you were both ambitious once, but now you’d rather live a quiet life. Perhaps your partner is no longer enthusiastic about your shared dream of buying a house by the sea.

Changing priorities can cause a lot of conflicts.

Look for what you both still have in common while allowing your partner to change and grow. Embrace who they are now instead of pining for the past.

If you have different priorities about major lifestyle issues, l ook for common ground, and compromise that you are both happy with.

7. Chore wars

It’s easy to lose your temper when it feels like you’re the one taking out the trash for the hundredth time in a row, or you get home from overtime to find the house is a tip. Chore wars are a leading cause of conflict in relationships .

Agree together on who is responsible for what, and stick to it—factor in a little flexibility for when one of you is much busier than usual.

If you both have different ideas of what constitutes a neat home, it might be time for a little compromise.

8. Different intimacy needs

Problems with your sex life are stressful and can have a big impact on your relationship. If one of you isn’t happy or you’re finding you have widely different intimacy needs, it’s time for a serious talk.

Carve out time for intimacy. Arrange for someone else to take the kids once a week, or make the most of any time you have alone at home together.

Sex keeps you feeling physically and emotionally close, so make sure you are both happy with your sex life .

9. Lack of appreciation

It doesn’t come as a surprise to you that bad bosses compel good workers to quit ? Up to 75% quit their job not because of the position itself, but because of their boss who never expressed appreciation.

Being taken for granted is one of the fundamental reasons for breakups.

Appreciation is what keeps us motivated and committed, both in our work and our relationships.

Remembering to compliment or notice the things our partner shows, we are grateful and increases the overall satisfaction with the relationship. Saying thank you goes a long way.

10. Children

Having kids is a blessing, but it requires a lot of dedication and effort. This can cause a strain on the relationship when partners disagree on the way they want to raise children, address problems that occur, and spend family time.

Solution:

Talk to your partner about why they think something should be done differently and share your reasoning. Often, we are repeating or trying to avoid patterns we were raised by.

Get together and spend some time understanding where the need to do things a certain way is coming from. When you understand, you can change and create a new way to parent that works for your family.

11. Overinvolvement

When we find the person, we love we want to share everything with them and to have them do the same. However, this can lead to feelings of losing one’s individuality, feeling of freedom, and a sense of accomplishment.

What does it take for you to be your own person while being their partner? Think of areas that you want to keep to yourself that give you a feeling of achievement and freedom.

It might be a hobby or doing sports. Talk to your partner so they don’t feel rejected by this new change and introduce it gradually.

12. Infidelity

What each of us defines as infidelity and where we draw the line can differ. Infidelity means various things to different people. Infidelity can encompass, besides the sexual act, flirting, sexting or kissing.

When infidelity has occurred, trust is broken, and a person can feel betrayed. This can snowball into many other issues and problems.

Talking about what infidelity is for you and your partner is important. They may hurt you inadvertently because, for example, they don’t find flirting a problem.

When something has already occurred, there is a choice to be made. A couple can try to regain trust and rebuild or end the relationship . In case the first one is chosen, seeking professional help can be a wise decision.

Figuring out marriage challenges and solutions and learning how to work out relationship problems is much more productive with counseling .

13. Significant differences

When there is a critical difference in core values, the way partners approach life, and challenges, issues are bound to happen.

For example, it might be that they are more spontaneous or hedonistic, while you plan more and save rather than spend. Nonetheless, if your views and expectations from life differ considerably, you are bound to argue.

When there are core dissimilarities between you, you might wonder if you are suited for each other. The answer is – it depends. What kind of change would you both need to undertake for this relationship to survive?

Are you willing you make that change, and how much will it “cost” you? If you decide you can and want to change, by all means, give it a go. This is the only way you will know if the change is enough for this relationship to succeed.

14. Jealousy

You might be in a happy relationship for a long time before noticing the first signs of jealousy. They might act fine at first but slowly change.

They start asking for your whereabouts, distrusting you, checking up on you, distancing or stifling you, and demonstrating concern about your affection towards them.

Often this behavior is a reflection of previous experiences that were triggered by something that happened in the current relationship.

Both partners need to make an effort. If your partner is jealous, try to be transparent, predictable, honest, and share. Give them time to get to know you and trust you.

However, for this to be solved, they need to make a separate effort to change their anticipations and work out their concerns. There is a difference between privacy and secrecy, and this line needs to be redrawn.

15. Unrealistic expectations

If you are human, you have unrealistic expectations ; no one is free of them. Nowadays, we might expect our partner to play many major roles: the best friend, trusted companion, business partner, lover, etc.

We might expect our partner to know what we want without saying it, advocate fairness at all times, or strive to change the other into what you desire them to be.

This can lead to misunderstandings, repeated quarrels, and misfortune.

If you want to solve a problem, you need to comprehend it first. Ask yourself – what is it that you feel entitled to? If you could wave a magic wand and change things, how would the new, pink reality look like?

What are you doing at the moment that you feel could get you there?

When you grasp what you are expecting to happen, but reality and your partner are depriving you of it, you can start to look for ways to ask differently or ask for different wishes.

16. Growing apart

So many things on the task list, and there is only one of you. How long ago did you stop including things to do with your partner on that list? Drifting apart happens bit by bit, and we don’t notice.

You might wake up one morning and realize you can’t remember the last time you had sex, a date, or a conversation that is more than organizational.

A relationship is like a flower, and it can not blossom without nourishment. When you notice the signs, it is time to act. It will take time to cross the distance that has been created, but it is possible.

Prioritize your time together, bring back old habits and activities you did together, laugh, and take time to reconnect.

17. Lack of support

When life hits us hard, we cope with it the best we know. However, often our coping skills are not enough, and we need support. Lack of support from a partner can lead to feelings of loneliness, anxiety, and feeling overwhelmed.

Long-lasting lack of support also affects the way we value the relationship we are in, and satisfaction drops significantly.

If you don’t ask, the answer is certainly “no.” Talking about what we need and what we can provide can clear the air of unrealistic expectations.

Unspoken and unfulfilled needs lead to negative beliefs about the relationship.

Understanding what our partner can provide helps adjust what we come to them for and look for alternative sources of support while our partner works on becoming one of the main pillars of encouragement and comfort again.

18. Addiction

Substance addiction can put a serious strain on a relationship.

Partner’s addiction can cause a significant effect on the family budget, cause many arguments, increase trust issues, cause ignorance and neglect of children and other family members, and impair overall relationship happiness.

Couple problems can be worked out with couples therapy . Counseling can be enormously helpful as it helps both partners deal with the issues arising simultaneously.

Understanding what triggers prompt addiction and building new habits as a couple promotes healthier ways of addressing problems. Individual therapy is recommended as well for both partners.

It can help understand the roots and patterns leading to addiction, and provide support to the non-addicted partner.

19. Moving at different speeds

Do you find yourself in a current relationship uncomfortable with the speed the relationship is progressing?

You might find your new partner moving more rapidly, wanting to spend more time together, constantly calling or texting, wanting to go away together, or you meeting their family?

Alternatively, you could be in a relationship that is not progressing the way you hoped it would, and the milestones you desired are not being reached.

When you and your partner need different speeds and intensities of intimacy and commitment , you may argue.

This can lead to becoming terribly upset over seemingly little things, pulling away, and questioning whether this person is for you.

Don’t sweep things under the rug rather address what is happening. Avoiding problems is not the best relationship solution.

What kind of reassurance or demonstration of love would bring you back on the same level? How are your needs different, and what can each of you do to find the middle ground?

20. Lack of responsibility

When one of the partners avoids taking responsibility, it can cause severe damage to the partnership. Money struggles, child neglect, fighting over chores, or playing the blame game can happen daily.

One of the most detrimental factors to the relationship is a significantly uneven distribution of responsibility amongst partners.

When addressing this issue, the first thing to do is to stop the blaming game. If change is to occur, you need to look forward, not backward. If the change is to be long-lasting, it needs to happen gradually.

Overwhelming a partner to make up for all this time of dodging responsibilities will just prove they were right to steer clear of them.

Give forgiving a shot as it has been linked to relationship success . Also, agree on the pace of change and the first things to share accountability for.

21. Controlling behavior

Controlling behavior happens when one of the partners expects the other to behave in certain ways, even at the expense of the wellbeing of the other partner.

This kind of toxic behavior deprives the other partner’s freedom, confidence, and a sense of self-worth.

Controlling behavior is a learned pattern of behavior from primary family or previous relationships.

At one point in life, this was beneficial for the controlling partner, and they need to learn to express affection differently. Speak up, set boundaries and adhere to them, and, if possible, try couples counseling.

22. Boredom

All relationships undergo periods of fun and boredom. However, when the feeling of monotony and apathy color, most of the days, it is time to react.

Allowing to fall into a daily routine and go with the flow can lead to decreased libido and overall satisfaction with the relationship .

Think back to the honeymoon phase and recall the things you did as a newly formed couple. What is available from that list today, and what do you still feel you could enjoy?

Make a conscious decision to add spontaneity into the relationship to start the upward spiral to a more eventful relationship.

23. Outside Influences

All couples are exposed to outside influences and opinions on how things should be done.

Some influences are benign, like grandparents’ occasional babysitting, while others can be detrimental, like disapproval of one spouse by the family or friends of the other.

Your relationship comes first, and everyone else’s opinion is secondary. Show each other support and that you are a united front against the world.

To resist the influence, you can limit the amount of time spent with or personal information you share with the family members or friends trying to impact you.

Marital problems and solutions may appear quite similar on the outside, but no one knows better than you what you need to make it work.

24. Ineffective argument

Arguments are a part of every relationship. However, the way fights are led, and what is their outcome can have a big impact on the relationship.

Disagreement can be helpful or destructive, depending on what you do with them. Having the same fight over and over, losing your temper, or saying things you regret later is bound to make you feel it’s not worth it.

After an argument, you should feel you have made progress in understanding where your partner is coming from.

A good fight is one after which you have agreed on what can be the first step both will take to resolve the issue. Start by listening to hear the other side, not only by waiting for your turn.

Research together ways to fight better and only ever focus on the next step needed to take.

25. Keeping a scoreboard

When you keep blaming and recalling mistakes each of you has made, you are keeping a virtual scoreboard of each other’s faults. If being right is more important than being with the other person, the relationship is doomed.

This leads up to a build-up of guilt, anger, and bitterness and doesn’t solve any problems.

Deal with each problem separately unless they are legitimately connected. Focus on the problem at hand and speak your mind. Don’t let it build up and mention it months later.

Decide if you want to save the relationship and if you do, learn to accept the past as is and start focusing on where to go from here.

26. Life gets in the way

In a relationship, it’s usually the priority to nurture and develop the connection. When life is a persistent inconvenience, it means one or both of you were not necessarily ready to get involved, and that can happen.

Unexpected encounters with another person occur all the time. But when they do, it’s essential to allow it to flourish- placing it first over the chaos.

When the two of you notice you put the union on the back burner, it’s time to make a conscious effort with reprioritizing the other person regardless of your day-to-day situation to battle the new relationship struggles.

27. Trust is critical from the very beginning

Every relationship has problems, but when you first connect, you don’t want to go in with the idea that you can’t trust the other person. If this is baggage from a past relationship , that’s unfair and self-defeating for any new partnership.

If your new partner made a promise and then lied to get out of it, that will create mistrust early on. That’s tough to get back. In an effort to do so, one piece of advice on relationship problems is that there needs to be much transparency and commitment in keeping your word moving forward.

28. You can readjust goals at a moment’s notice

Perhaps in the first few weeks of dating, your life goals appear to be similar, but a profound life circumstance changes your perspective on where you see yourself in the future or maybe your mate’s.

The change is not in keeping with what the two of you discussed. In this situation, you can find a way to get your partner to see things from your point of view, or the partnership won’t be possible.

These are the kinds of issues in relationships that are difficult to overcome. Often differences in life goals are deal-breakers.

29. A kind word here or there

New relationship problems can include a lack of manners in numerous ways. Pleasantries like telling someone they look nice or saying thank you, or expressing how much you appreciate something they’ve done wane after a few dates.

It shouldn’t—unfortunately, comfortability and taking a partner for granted set in quickly. If you notice this early on, say something, but also make sure to lead by example. Be the first to tell your mate these things often.

30. Notice continued bad behaviors with a new relationship

You’ll know you have early relationship problems if your mate is continuously on their phone when you’re together. That’s incredibly rude behavior for anyone when they’re with other people for any reason, let alone being on a date or in the early stages of a partnership .

The focus should be on time spent with each other since free time is precious with the world’s hectic pace. When this happens at the start of a partnership, it won’t get better with time. It needs to be addressed and stopped to strengthen your union ultimately.

Relationships are marathons

Most relationship problems and ways of fixing relationship problems would be something that you must have heard about or experienced; still, when it comes to utilizing this common knowledge, not everyone is thorough with the implementation.

It’s not difficult to answer “how to solve marriage problems,” and there is plenty of advice on relationship issues and solutions.

However, when it comes to solving marriage issues and relationship issues advice, everything boils down to effort and implementation.

These common problems in relationships are not completely avoidable, and every couple runs into some of them at one point.

The good news is, working on relationship problems can produce a considerable difference and get your relationship back on track, free from all relationship difficulties.

Be creative, don’t give up on each other, and you will reach the solution.

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Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. As a writer at Marriage.com, she is a big believer in living consciously and encourages couples to adopt this principle Read more in their lives too. Sylvia believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking purposeful and wholehearted action. Read less

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The secrets to solving disagreements in relationships

In today’s culture of dating reality shows, smartphone apps and romantic comedies, it’s easy to forget one thing: relationships are work. Rarely do we “swipe right,” fall in love and automatically live happily ever after. And when the going gets tough, it’s tempting to throw in the towel, say “it wouldn’t have worked out anyway,” and move on – rather than doing the work to learn how to resolve conflict in a relationship .

Eliminate relationship conflict with the Ultimate Relationship Guide

What causes relationship conflict?

Disagreements in relationships happen for many reasons, from minor everyday conflicts like who does the dishes, to serious issues like infidelity. Some common relationship stressors include loss of attraction and passion, emotional stonewalling and loss of commitment, as well as finances, family responsibilities and insecurity . Stress in other areas of our lives also impacts our relationships : When you come home from work frustrated and exhausted or you’re dealing with conflict with other friends or family members, that stress is contagious. You must learn how to resolve conflict in all areas of your life to help your relationship.

How to save your relationship

You’re already reading about how to save your relationship , so you’ve figured out the first step: y ou must have the desire to save it. If that desire is there, you must learn how to channel it into constructive steps that can fix what is broken, resolve underlying conflicts and ultimately save your relationship.

1. Examine your focus

Focus determines direction. If you’re focused on building a beautiful passionate relationship, that’s what you’ll achieve. — Tony Robbins

Disagreements in relationships become harmful when you’re focused on defending yourself from attack rather than on solving the problem. By focusing on your pain and suffering, you are ensuring you’ll experience more of the same, because where focus goes, energy flows . A s Tony says, “Whatever we consistently focus on is exactly what we will experience in our lives.”

Years ago, Tony would take a two-lane highway lined only by power line posts at 10–20 yard intervals. One of these seemed to be perpetually decorated by flowers, candles and photographs. With so much space on either side of the post, it was amazing how many people had died or been injured hitting it. Why didn’t the victim evade it? Why didn’t they swerve to either side?

It’s because people would focus all their attention on not hitting the pole. But, our focus determines our direction. If we don’t want to hit the pole, we need to focus on what we do want: staying on the road! By changing our focus, we can change the result.

This lesson applies to how to save your relationship . If you focus on where you don’t want your relationship to end up, fighting and letting anger build, you’ll find yourself where you don’t want to be – either in a painful, unfulfilling relationship or separated from your partner altogether. If you focus on resolving conflict and growing together, you’ll get the outcomes that you do want.

2. Communicate

You’re sitting in a coffee shop. There are two couples in the shop sitting near you. The couple to your left is arguing about whether they want to go to dinner with friends. He says, “It’s never fun – you said so yourself last time.” She responds, “Of course you would say that, because they’re my friends, and you’ve never given any of my friends a chance.” He rolls his eyes, and in a very sarcastic tone says, “Here we go. War and Peace, our personal edition, volume whatever.” They turn away from each other and sit in silence.

The couple to your right is also discussing whether they want to go to dinner with friends. He says, “I guess I’m a little worried that it will go on for hours and that it might not be that fun. What do you think?” She says, “I get that. I really want to go, but maybe we can plan a time when we have to leave as a compromise?” She continues, touching his hand and smiling, “Besides, it will be nice to get home early.” He smiles and nods, and they continue to read and drink their coffee.

Both couples were presented with a conflict – the same conflict, in fact. But one knew how to resolve conflict in a relationship , and the other did not. One reacted by relying on bad habits and used the conflict to widen a rift between them. The other used the conflict as an opportunity to communicate their feelings and grow their relationship. Which couple do you think has the more successful, fulfilling relationship? Which relationship do you think will last longer? Communication is essential to resolving disagreements in relationships .

3. Turn conflict into opportunity

In the coffee shop example, one couple has discovered how to resolve conflict in a relationship : d on’t treat it as a competition . Why would you want your partner, the person you love, to lose? When you accept that there are no losers in love, you can let go of petty arguments and embrace healthy communication.

Conflicts are opportunities for you and your partner to align on values and outcomes. They are chances to understand, appreciate and embrace differences. Put yourself in your partner’s place and make an effort to understand their experience. These experiences and emotions can be uncomfortable, but if we always opt for comfort then we never grow.

Conflict is also an opportunity to learn more about your partner and love them on an even deeper level. Learn to see conflicts as transitions to something better, rather than as reasons to retreat. The next time you find yourself disagreeing with your partner and wondering how to save your relationship , choose to see the positive in the situation – and actively decide to work toward a more stable future together.

4. Use humor

If you find yourself in a retaliatory spiral, a good tactic is to use humor to break the pattern. Humor can release tension and allow you and your partner to focus on what you both want – learning how to save your relationship – rather than on what you both don’t want, another pointless argument. If you feel an argument escalating, take a moment to derail it. Argue while talking like Christopher Walken or William Shatner. Sing a song that makes your partner laugh. Make the conflict ridiculous.

To illustrate this point, let’s return to the coffee shop example. You see an older couple. The man accidentally spills his tea all over the table and some splashes onto his wife’s favorite dress. He gets up for some napkins, and she smiles and jokes aloud to the other customers, “For 20 years he’s been doing this to me – never finished a cup yet!” He comes back, dabs the tea off her and jokes back to the other patrons, “She was asking for it!” They both laugh, and you do too, along with everyone else in the shop.

Some couples would have turned the situation into an argument , but by using humor to nip the retaliatory spiral in the bud, this husband and wife seized the moment and turned it into an opportunity to practice how to resolve conflict in a relationship .

5. Ask the right questions

If you’re wondering how to save your relationship , chances are that things have been going wrong for quite some time. You need to not only dig into the past to uncover the real, deeper issues, but also look to the future. It’s all about asking yourself the right questions.

First, ensure you’re beginning this exercise from the right mindset. The point is not to place blame, dig up old arguments or tell your partner all the things they do that annoy you. You must change your mindset to one of gratitude and acceptance. Embrace the fact that life is happening for you, not to you. Even the current state of your relationship is presenting you with the chance to learn and grow – so long as you are open to what it has to tell you.

Now you’re ready to ask yourself essential questions: Why did your relationship break down? What are the limiting beliefs you and your partner have been living by that have affected your relationship? How can you overcome them? And what do you want for the future? What will your relationship focus on?

6. Practice acceptance

Apply your new abundance mindset to your partner. All our partners have habits that annoy us, because no human being is perfect. Instead of dwelling on their negative traits, focus instead on what they bring to the table, how they make you feel and the qualities that you love. You’ll find that you’ll soon start to miss even the things that used to drive you crazy, because they are part of that whole person, your partner, whom you adore.

Remember the two couples at the café? The successful couple who put energy into understanding each other’s needs reaffirmed their support for one another – she supported his need to leave at a certain hour and he supported her need to socialize with friends. They communicated with each other, assessed one another’s needs and made it a fun issue to solve instead of letting something minor turn into a major argument.

Listen to your partner, understand what they’re saying and why they feel the way they do. And be accepting of yourself too: Be honest about your own feelings and emotions. Be your authentic self. Personal flaws aren’t the reason you’re asking how to save your relationship . They’re actually a powerful tool to show your partner just how much you love them.

7. Be aware of your negative patterns

Humans are creatures of habit. We all have patterns, both positive and negative, that affect our decisions and behaviors. We may automatically respond defensively to our partners or turn inward and blame ourselves for relationship conflict – closing off, but eventually exploding. Many of us resort to standbys like giving our partners space or even the silent treatment.

If anyone asked you if you knew how to resolve conflict, you’d probably say yes, and if they asked you whether the silent treatment or ignoring the problem were smart ways to deal with conflict, you’d almost certainly say no. You know better than to resort to these silly tactics, but if you’re hurt enough, you do it anyway. Why? Why fall back on negative patterns instead of working to actually fix the communication issues at hand?

8. Work on forgiveness

If you’re wondering how to save your relationship because your trust was broken, you’re probably feeling angry, bitter, hurt, mistrustful and a whole host of other negative emotions. If you’re the person who broke the trust, you’re feeling guilty and ashamed. You may even try to blame your partner or justify your actions. In this situation, both partners need to work on forgiveness .

You won’t just wake up one day and magically feel forgiving toward your partner. Forgiveness is a process. It’s a series of small acts – admitting mistakes, practicing total honesty and putting your partner first – that add up over time. Forgiveness takes work.

If you’re the partner that broke the trust, you must take full responsibility. Be respectful of how you hurt your partner, and give them the space they need. Put your partner first, and don’t fall into a cycle of self-blame. If your trust was broken, take some space, but continue to communicate. Let your partner know what you need to rebuild trust. Most of all, never give up.

9. Make time for touch

When you’re always fighting with your partner – when every little thing they do annoys you – it can be hard to be affectionate. But you must make time for touch. This doesn’t just mean sex – it also means cuddling on the couch during a movie, sneaking a morning hug before work and holding hands for no reason at all.

There’s a reason that touching your partner makes you feel so good: Cuddling, hugging and even holding hands cause the release of oxytocin, a “feel-good” chemical in your brain that makes you feel safe and loved. Oxytocin can lower stress, help you sleep, make you feel more connected to your partner and even decrease blood pressure. You get all those benefits just from reaching over and taking your partner’s hand.

Don’t withhold physical affection – even when you’re mad – or you could find yourself in a completely sexless marriage . If you really want to solve relationship conflict , start with physical touch. Cuddle before bedtime. Hold hands when you’re out to dinner with friends. Sneak a kiss as you’re making dinner. Physical affection isn’t a result of a happy relationship – it creates a happy relationship.

Relationships aren’t easy. We are all human – and humans make mistakes. We have flaws. Sometimes, we just don’t put in the work we need to and we let our relationships fall by the wayside. By the time we start looking into how to resolve conflict in a relationship , it may have been neglected for years. But remember this: Many relationships are worth saving. You just need to be willing to do the work.

Back to Ultimate Relationship Guide

Relationship conflict FAQs

Is conflict good or bad for a relationship.

Conflict isn’t necessarily good or bad for a relationship. If both partners have good communication skills and see conflict as an opportunity to grow, learn and make the relationship stronger, conflict can even be a good thing. But when disagreements in relationships make you feel attacked or threatened, vulnerable and weak, this can make you recoil and retreat – and be very bad for your relationship. When things your partner does upset you and you feel that you’re under siege, you’re less likely to respond constructively and more likely to resort to unhealthy behaviors. This type of conflict is harmful for any relationship.

How do you know if a relationship is worth saving?

Even if you feel lost and alone, know that nearly all of the time your relationship is worth saving. You have history. You’ve been through a lot together – many relationships last years or even decades before getting to this point. Your partner knows you better than anyone else, and they will be there for you like no one else will be. If you still have fun with your partner and can’t imagine your life without them – even if you have frequent relationship conflict – that’s a strong sign your relationship is worth saving. If you have the same values, have created a shared vision for your life together and still make each other smile, it’s not yet time to let go.

Can my unhappy relationship even be saved?

When both partners are truly committed to making it work, anything is possible. It’s easy to blame relationship conflict on your partner or events outside your control, but the truth is that it’s an internal conflict. That is, many problems in relationships aren’t truly about the relationship itself and would surface no matter who you were with. Watch the video below to hear Tony talk with experts about letting go of fear, the power of forgiveness and how to save your relationship.

Want to learn how to handle conflict in a relationship?

Trade your expectation for appreciation and build a stronger bond with your partner using the 9 Keys to Passion & Intimacy .

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EXPLORE Random Article

The 13+ Most Common Relationship Problems (and How to Fix Them)

Last Updated: November 29, 2021 References

This article was co-authored by Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC and by wikiHow staff writer, Hannah Madden . Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over nine years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling. There are 13 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page. This article has been viewed 1,704 times.

Every couple experiences issues from time to time, and your relationship is probably no exception. Figuring out where relationship problems come from can help you work through them together, and it can also help reassure you that what you and your partner are going through is normal. In this article, we’ve compiled 13 of the most common relationship problems for you to read and reflect upon, as well as some helpful advice for improving your relationship and maintaining a long, healthy partnership.

Small conflicts can turn into big fights in no time.

For instance, when you and your partner argue about doing the dishes, is it really about the dishes? Or is it more about your partner not respecting your shared living space?
Or, when you accuse your partner of not taking you out enough, is it really that you like going on fancy dates, or do you want your partner to pay more attention to you?

Poor Communication

Good communication is the foundation to a solid, healthy relationship.

How you say things matters just as much as what you say. If, for instance, you’re talking to your partner about a problem, you might say, “When you leave for the night and don’t tell me, I feel worried,” instead of, “You always leave without telling me where you’re going.”
Communication is tough, but the more you practice it, the better you’ll get.

If you are in a monogamous relationship, an affair can take a toll.

Forgiving your partner for cheating might feel impossible in the moment, but you can do it eventually if you both work hard on reinstating the trust in your relationship.

Seeking Validation

When you question your partner’s love, it can start to wear on them.

Feeling insecure about your relationship is fairly common, and it’s something all of us will feel at some point. However, getting that security is a wonderful thing, and feeling like you and your partner are healthy and stable can make you both much happier.
If your partner is the insecure one in the relationship, try to reassure them as much as possible, but encourage them to talk to a mental health professional, too. They may need to address some underlying issues before they can have a healthy relationship with you.

Lack of Appreciation

In long-term relationships, you might stop expressing your appreciation regularly.

For instance, you might say, “Hey, could we talk? I wanted to mention that I’m feeling a little taken for granted in our relationship. Can you make an effort to show that you appreciate all that I do for us?”

Couples often fight about someone overstepping their boundaries.

Jealousy can be tough to work out as a couple. If you need to, consider visiting a couple’s counselor for an outside opinion.
Keep in mind that sometimes we feel jealous for good reason. If your partner is doing things that make you uncomfortable, sit down with them and define the boundaries of your relationship again.

How many times has your partner wanted to have sex, but you didn’t?

For instance, you might say, “I need a little bit of romance to turn me on. Maybe start out by giving me a massage or cooking me dinner first.”
Sex can feel like a taboo subject, but talking about it can seriously improve you and your partners’ relationship.

This is one of the biggest things that couples tend to fight about.

Budgeting can be a very helpful tool to minimize money issues. Try sitting down with your partner and making a plan to set aside a certain amount each month.

Passive-Aggressiveness

Giving your partner the cold shoulder can feel good in the moment.

You can bring up any issues by saying something like, “Honey, I’ve been thinking a lot about what happened the other day and I can’t stop ruminating on it. Could we sit down and have a conversation?”
On the flip side, maybe your partner is the one being passive-aggressive. In that case, you can sit them down and say something like, “I can tell that you’re upset about something, and I really want to talk about it. Can you help me figure out how we can make this right?”

If you feel like you’re doing too much, you might get resentful.

You can start the conversation by saying something like, “Could we have a discussion about chores? I’d like to nail down who does what around the house every week. That way, we don’t have to argue about stuff not getting done.”

Feeling Ignored

Your partner might be distracted or not really listening to you.

For example, you might say, “How about during dinner, we leave our phones in the living room? I think it would be fun to take a break from technology once a day and have a nice conversation instead.”

Extended Family Relationships

Many people don’t get along with their partners’ parents.

For instance, if your partner’s parents always overstay their welcome, you might say something like, “This year, let's arrange for your parents to stay for only one week instead of two. I love their company, but I can’t handle houseguests for that long.”

Substance Use and Abuse

Drug and alcohol use can weaken any relationship.

You might say something like, “Honey, I’m a little worried about your drinking habits lately. It seems like you’re spending more and more time at the bar. Is everything okay?”

Expert Q&A

↑ Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.
↑ https://ideas.ted.com/most-couples-need-to-be-fighting-more-not-less-heres-why-and-how-to-do-it/
↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication
↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4012696/
↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/infidelity/art-20048424
↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201401/the-9-most-common-relationship-mistakes
↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5380380/
↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-is-2020/201303/how-couples-can-cope-different-libidos-sexual-desire
↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/money/conflict
↑ https://ideas.ted.com/how-to-split-the-chores-with-your-partner-minus-the-drama-and-fighting/
↑ https://www.psychologicalscience.org/news/releases/how-smartphones-affect-relationships.html
↑ https://www.aarp.org/home-family/friends-family/info-2021/getting-along-with-in-laws.html
↑ https://www.aamft.org/Consumer_Updates/Substance_Abuse_and_Intimate_Relationships.aspx

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Why You May Have Trust Issues and How to Overcome Them

Kendra Cherry, MS, is a psychosocial rehabilitation specialist, psychology educator, and author of the "Everything Psychology Book."

Daniel B. Block, MD, is an award-winning, board-certified psychiatrist who operates a private practice in Pennsylvania.

Kemal Yildirim / Getty Images

Why Trust Matters

Signs of Trust Issues

Types of trust issues.

Causes of Distrust
Overcoming Trust Issues

Learn to Trust Yourself

Trust is a critical part of any relationship. Without trust—especially trust between two romantic partners—it is difficult to have a healthy, long-lasting relationship . People who have experienced some type of betrayal, such as unfaithfulness in a relationship, may develop trust issues that can interfere with future relationships.

Trust issues can manifest in a variety of ways. For example, a person who finds it difficult to trust may not believe what other people say. They may feel suspicious of what others want from them and may question other people's intentions and motivations. It makes it incredibly difficult to develop an intimate, close connection with another person.

This article discusses trust issues, including the signs that you might have problems with trust and what causes a lack of faith in other people. It also covers some of the steps that you can take to overcome problems with trust.

Why Trust Issues Are Harmful

Trust has a number of benefits that are important for the health of your relationships as well as your own emotional well-being. Trust allows you to:

Be vulnerable
Be yourself
Feel safe and secure
Focus on positivity
Increase closeness and intimacy
Minimize conflict

Trust is important in relationships because it allows you the opportunity to relax, be yourself, and depend on another person. It provides you with the safety and security you need to turn to another person for comfort, reassurance, assistance, and affection.

Trust is the belief that another person is honest and reliable. It is a feeling that you can depend on that person because they offer safety and security. Trust has been described as a firm belief in the ability, strength, reliability, and truth of someone or something.

There are a number of different behaviors that might indicate that you or your partner have a problem with trusting others. Some of these include:

Always assuming the worst : Your trust issues could lead you to assume the worst about people around you, even when they have proven themselves trustworthy in the past. For example, when someone offers to help you, you wonder if they are expecting something from you later on.
Suspiciousness : Trust issues can make you feel suspicious about other people's intentions, even if there is little to indicate that their actions are suspect. You might feel like others are trying to harm you or deceive you.
Self-sabotage : Trust issues often lead to self-sabotage . For example, you might engage in behaviors that interfere with your relationship because you assume it's better to end things now rather than be disappointed later.
Unhealthy relationships : People with trust issues almost always struggle to build healthy, long-lasting relationships. It's normal for trust to take a while to develop within romantic relationships, but people without trust may never experience this type of connection.
Lack of forgiveness : When trust is an issue, it is difficult—if not impossible—to move on after a betrayal of trust has occurred. This inability to forgive and forget can affect your entire life; not just your interactions with others. It can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, bitterness, and regret.
Distancing yourself : In many cases, a lack of trust can lead people to build a wall between themselves and other people. You avoid relationships altogether because you fear betrayal or disappointment.
Focusing on the negative : No matter the situation, you always focus on what you expect will go wrong. You tend to notice other people’s flaws, weaknesses, or mistakes rather than focusing on their positive qualities.

When trust interferes with your ability to form healthy, stable relationships, it can also leave you feeling isolated, lonely, and misunderstood.

Trust problems don't just affect your romantic relationships. They can create conflict and poor communication in any type of relationship, whether it is with your friends, co-workers, or other family members.

Some common types of relationships that can be affected by trust issues include:

Romantic relationships : People with trust issues often struggle to rely on or believe in their romantic partners. This can lead to a range of problems in relationships, including trust-related infidelity, unwillingness to commit , and difficulty apologizing when trust has been broken.
Friendships : Just as people have trust issues within romantic relationships, they might also struggle with trusting their friends. Difficulty trusting friends might stem from a fear of disappointment or betrayal. Being let down by people in the past can make it hard to open yourself up to trusting friends again in the future.
Workplace relationships : There are many reasons why someone might not trust co-workers. They might be concerned that their co-workers are conspiring against them, for instance, or just assume that trusting co-workers is not that important.

Generalized trust refers to a belief in whether or not most other people can be trusted. It can affect a person's ability to trust people, groups, organizations, and governments. Research suggests that this type of trust is influenced by a variety of forces, including culture, social interaction experiences throughout life, and media influences.

Problems with trust can take a toll in many different areas of your life. It can make your romantic relationships more fraught, interfere with your ability to maintain friendships, and contribute to conflict in the workplace.

What Causes Trust Issues?

A 2017 study found that a tendency to trust is influenced by genetic factors. Distrust, on the other hand, is not linked to genetics and is primarily associated with socialization factors, including family dynamics and influences.

People often have trust issues because they have been betrayed in the past. Early childhood experiences, in particular, play a major role in shaping your ability to trust the people around you.

Psychologist Erik Erikson developed a theory of development that suggested that the earliest years of life are all about learning whether the people around you could be trusted with your care and safety. Whether you learn this trust or mistrust , he suggested, plays a foundational role in future development.

This means that trust issues could stem from any number of sources, including:

Betrayal in a relationship : Infidelity is incredibly hurtful and can lead to trust issues in future relationships.
Parental conflicts : If children witness trust problems within their family, they may fear that the same thing will happen to them in future romantic relationships in adulthood.
Social rejection : Being rejected by peers during childhood or adolescence may also make it difficult to trust other people. This type of trust issue can be exacerbated when the person being rejected is unable to determine why they are being excluded. Repeated rejections can make trust issues that much more difficult to overcome.
Negative life experiences : People who have experienced trauma—especially while growing up—are likely to develop trust issues in adulthood. These trust issues could manifest in many different ways, including difficulty trusting friends or romantic partners, fear of trust-related betrayal, or difficulty forgiving people for breaking their trust.
Attachment styles : Experts also suggest that your attachment style , or your characteristic pattern of behavior in a relationship, also plays a role in how you respond to trust in relationships. People with a secure attachment style may be more likely to trust others and forgive mistakes. Those with insecure attachment styles, on the other hand, struggle more with trust and are more likely to experience jealousy and anxiety in relationships.

Having one or more of these types of trust problems does not necessarily mean that you have a problem with trust. But it may indicate that you need to address these issues if they are causing you pain or preventing you from forming or maintaining interpersonal relationships .

Trust issues are often connected to negative experiences in the past. Being let down or betrayed by people who you trusted—whether it was a friend, partner, parent, or other trusted figure or institution—can interfere with your ability to believe in others.

How to Overcome Trust Issues

While it can be a challenging emotional undertaking, it is possible to overcome problems with trust. Here are a few trust-building strategies you can use:

Build Trust Slowly

It is important to trust people enough to allow them into your life and, in some cases, to forgive them for their mistakes. Taking your time with it can sometimes help. If you find yourself trying to trust too quickly (and perhaps, too intensely), it may be time to pull back and work up to that level of trust again.

Talk About Your Trust Issues

While you don’t need to provide every detail about what happened to you in the past, being open about why you struggle with trust can help others understand you better. By communicating with your partner , they can be more aware of how their actions might be interpreted.

Distinguish Between Trust and Control

People with trust issues often feel a need for control . This can sometimes manifest as mistrusting behavior. You might feel like you are being betrayed or taken advantage of if you don't have complete control over every situation.

However, this will only hurt your relationships in the long run. Learning how much control you should yield in a given situation is key to building trust with other people.

Make Trust a Priority

Trusting others can be difficult, but trust-building is an essential part of any relationship, romantic or otherwise. Make trust a priority in your life—even if it's challenging to do.

Be Trustworthy

If you try to build trust with someone else, you have to be willing to trust them first. This means being open about your feelings, opinions, thoughts, and limits.

It also means being understanding when the person breaks that trust because everyone makes mistakes. Learning how to balance these two ideas will help establish healthy interpersonal relationships that are based on trust.

Consider Therapy

Therapy can also be helpful for overcoming trust issues. The therapeutic alliance that you form with your therapist can be a powerful tool for learning how to trust other people.

By working with an experienced mental health professional, you can learn more about why you struggle with trust and learn new coping skills that will help you start to rebuild trust in your relationships.

Get Help Now

We've tried, tested, and written unbiased reviews of the best online therapy programs including Talkspace, BetterHelp, and ReGain. Find out which option is the best for you.

One of the best ways to practice trust is to trust yourself. This doesn’t mean you should never question yourself or your choices. It just means that you should build a stronger self-awareness that can help guide your judgments and interactions with others.

Practicing mindfulness is one strategy that can be helpful. When you utilize mindfulness, you are able to become more aware of how you are feeling in the present moment without worrying about the past and future.

There are many things that you can do to overcome trust issues. Starting slow, communicating your needs, trying therapy, and learning to trust yourself can help.

A Word From Verywell

Having trust issues can be difficult, but trust-building is an essential part of any relationship, romantic or otherwise. Make trust a priority in your life—even if it's challenging to do.

If you try to build trust with someone else, you have to trust yourself first. This means being open about your feelings, opinions, thoughts, and limits. It also means being understanding when the other person makes mistakes.

Learning how to balance these two ideas will help establish healthy interpersonal relationships that are based on trust, respect, and care.

Wilkins CH. Effective engagement requires trust and being trustworthy . Med Care . 2018;56(10 Suppl 1):S6-S8. doi:10.1097/MLR.0000000000000953

Arikewuyo AO, Eluwole KK, Özad B. Influence of lack of trust on romantic relationship problems: the mediating role of partner cell phone snooping . Psychol Rep . 2021;124(1):348-365. doi:10.1177/0033294119899902

Thoresen S, Blix I, Wentzel-Larsen T, Birkeland MS. Trusting others during a pandemic: investigating potential changes in generalized trust and its relationship with pandemic-related experiences and worry . Front Psychol . 2021;12:698519. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.698519

Van Lange PAM. Generalized trust: four lessons from genetics and culture . Curr Dir Psychol Sci . 2015;24(1):71-76. doi:10.1177/0963721414552473

Reimann M, Schilke O, Cook KS. Trust is heritable, whereas distrust is not . Proc Natl Acad Sci . 2017;114(27):7007-7012. doi:10.1073/pnas.1617132114

American Psychiatric Association. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR) .

Rodriguez LM, DiBello AM, Øverup CS, Neighbors C. The price of distrust: trust, anxious attachment, jealousy, and partner abuse . Partner Abuse . 2015;6(3):298-319. doi:10.1891/1946-6560.6.3.298

By Kendra Cherry, MSEd Kendra Cherry, MS, is a psychosocial rehabilitation specialist, psychology educator, and author of the "Everything Psychology Book."

40 Common Issues in Relationships and How to Solve Them

Home Love & Relationships 40 Common Issues in Relationships and How to Solve Them

Updated on May 27, 2022

Are you facing some issues in relationships ? Perhaps your long-term relationship doesn’t feel as exciting anymore?

Or, your partner’s irresponsible nature is getting on your nerves? Whatever it is, understand that it is normal and you’re not alone.

No relationship is a walk in a flower garden. Your parents and grandparents have thrived all these years of love after a lot of arguments and compromises.

Think it’s too cruel to compromise all alone? Well, that’s why I’m here with this think-piece where you’ll find some possible solutions to your relationship issues.

Enough with the build-up, let’s finally dig into the…

Issues in Relationships Infographic

Issues in Relationships - 40 Common Issues & How to Solve Them

40 Issues in Relationships & How to solve them

Relationship issues might stem from a communication gap, an unhealthy behavior pattern, childhood trauma, or even due to the overwhelming lifestyle.

Depending on the relationship issues, your partner might or might not actively be responsible for the situation.

Sometimes, it may appear to you that there’s no solution to this issue…

But let me tell you there is a solution to all relationship issues… it’s only about whether you’re wanting to invest so much effort.

1. Communication issues in relationships

Most of the problems in a relationship begin with poor communication.

For instance, if you like the toilet seat down but your partner always keeps it up, it can really piss you off on some days and lead to a big brawl among you two.

You two may also not talk to each other for days on end.

While you don’t talk with each other, your insecurities about the relationship grow, leading to further issues.

How to solve it?

Practice good communication skills. Find good communication styles from books to incorporate into your life.
Express your demands honestly and openly and allow your partner to express themselves the same way. Don’t interrupt each other, talk only when the other finishes
Fix a time to check in with your partner. For instance, if you guys have dinner together, share how you felt about each other instead of only munching on food.
Don’t raise your voices while communicating. If you can’t help it, go to a public place so you feel forced to keep it down.
Respond with your body language, face towards them, make eye contact once in a while, make your partner feel heard. Keep away from distractions if you want to make this relationship work properly.

2. Money issues in relationships

Any healthy relationship can crumble down with different opinions about finances. Equally sharing finances work as long as you’re in the honeymoon phase.

Perhaps one of you spends too much from the joint account, or you don’t like how your partner spends on irrelevant objects. You need proper steps to prevent money from turning into relationship issues.

Before promising any equal spending of money, build some rules and boundaries about spending. Create a weekly or monthly budget for the household. Discuss how much each of you can spend and how to share the bill payments.
Discuss saving plans together and focus on how much you aim to save each month. Decide how much of your savings will go to your parents’ aid.
If your financial situation is bad, don’t force yourself to maintain a certain lifestyle. Figure out some compromises to make ends meet.
If you’re drowning in debt, honestly confess before you marry a person. Hiding won’t save your relationship , if they must, they can leave any time.
Communicate with your partner if they overspend, don’t blame them for ruining your finances. Don’t create a joint account if you’re not sure about their spending style.

3. Priority/Time issues in relationships

Perhaps, you or your partner prioritizes something else more than your relationship… it might be a promotion, a business deal, or even family members.

You focus so much on the surroundings that you neglect your relationship completely. Not making your relationship a priority is one of the common problems in long-term relationships.

Make efforts to catch up with your partner at the end of the day
Your priorities aren’t yours alone, so share your day with each other… what went well, and what didn’t.
Notice if your partner needs you but can’t reach out because you’re busy.
Voice out your concerns like “I didn’t give you enough time in the last few days, how are you doing?”
If you need their help, ask them instead of expecting them to come forward. They’re busy but they never refuse help, so ask whatever you need.

4. Taken-for-granted issues in relationships

Another common relationship problem for long-term couples is taking each other for granted. Perhaps you’re dealing with lots of things in your life and have no time for your partner.

You may not do it intentionally, however, you’re so busy handling life that you forget about your commitment.

You miss out on your partner’s activities throughout the day and vice versa.

Even though you have the same goals, relationship issues stem from not updating each other.

With time you overlook the little efforts of your spouse because you were busy… and that’s when the “end” comes knocking at your door.

Don’t assume your relationship will last. Always remember your partner has other choices, so if you don’t value them, someone else will.
Don’t expect your partner’s support all the time. They’ll always be there for you, but this doesn’t give you the liberty to ignore it. They have better things to do in life… but they chose to be beside you because of their commitment to the relationship.
Plan surprise date nights . Spending time will remind them that you still care about them and value their efforts. Don’t expect them to make the first move.
Keep them in the loop throughout the day. A short “I love you” or “I miss you” won’t take up too much time in your busy schej and remind them that they’re always on your mind. Don’t always expect a loving text from your partner, be proactive.
Keep your gadgets aside and indulge in pillow talk. You don’t always need sex to make your partner feel special. Drift off to dreamland while you hold them close and thank them for staying beside you.

5. Trust issues in relationships

Lack of trust in a relationship can threaten its foundation. However, many think trust issues stem from infidelity – which isn’t the case.

Your partner might be a pathological liar and you have difficulties believing whatever they say. Perhaps, you double-check whatever they say and they take offense.

Or, you might have trust issues because of a cheating partner in a previous relationship. Rebuilding trust isn’t easy, after all.

Or, you lied once and that hurt your partner too intensely.

Never hide anything from your spouse. Don’t break promises, if you’re late for some reason, call them earlier and keep them from overthinking.
Don’t remind them of old fights when things go wrong, Else they’ll feel it’s a payback for previous issues.
Rebuild trust with active listening. Listen to them before you assume things.
If anything appears wrong, don’t blow up without knowing their side. A person overcoming trust issues is still healing, talk to them calmly if you feel something is wrong.
When you have disagreements, resolve the conflicts calmly. Be firm on your point but never say anything hurtful – you can’t take back words – be kind to your partner while communicating.

6. Chore distribution issues in relationships

When people live together, all your responsibilities multiply. More laundry, dishes, cooking, etc… everything increases and it becomes impossible to handle everything alone.

Moreover, a person who has always done chores for one person may become frustrated due to the increased workload.

Also, it’s unfair to always impose on one partner for the chores.

Perhaps, your partner is a homemaker and you think that’s their job while you earn money outside.

Well, it won’t hurt to help them sometimes… at least you get off on the weekends, but what about the homemaker?

Divide the chores proportionally. If only one person is employed between you two, the employed one can help out on off days. If you’re both employed, split the chores equally. If one of you works from home, they can handle chores more conveniently.
If anybody misses a chore, remind them to do it, don’t bicker over it. The one – who missed the chore – must take care of it immediately if there’s no emergency.
If neither of you likes cleaning, contact the cleaning facility.
If both of you obsess over a certain chore and want to monopolize it, do it on alternate days.
Make a weekly chart of chores if you’re sharing all of them… who takes out the trash, does the laundry. Stick the chart in a visible space. This can help you remind yourself to do certain chores and prevent fights.

7. Appreciation issues in relationships

When was the last time you said thank you to your partner? Perhaps you forgot those magical words since you’re living under the same roof?

During date nights, do you give compliments to each other?

When you overlook your partner’s effort or when you don’t compliment or appreciate their efforts, doubts and suspicions arise about your relationship.

Your partner feels they aren’t enough or you don’t love them anymore, which leads to other issues too.

When your partner cooks food for you or picks the kid from the school, show your gratitude… don’t ignore it because it’s their duty.
When your partner gets a makeover, compliment them. Show them your heart still flutters at their sight.
If your partner returns late after a hard day at work, talk to them about their day, draw them a warm bath, or even wake up and reheat their food. Your presence will reassure them.
When your partner can’t do some duty because of proper reasons, tell them you understand it’s hard and you’ll cover for them once. Don’t burst with anger because they can’t keep their word. Appreciate and understand their stance.
Exchange encouraging words with each other daily to show that you’re still on the same team.

8. Goals issues in relationships

Young healthy couples are usually ambitious, they want to do something to make each other proud, and often in the process, the relationship takes a backseat.

However, with time and life experiences, people and their goals change… and there’s nothing wrong about it.

Perhaps a person focuses more on their child after childbirth than their romantic relationship or career.

Or, someone loses motivation to work harder in their occupation after the loss of a loved one.

In the course of your relationship, if you lose sight of common goals, your chances of parting ways multiply.

When you change your goals, share them with your partner, keep them onboard about your decisions. Share why you changed your goals and views on life.
Before quitting your job for a start-up business, make sure you talk to your partner about the current situation of the household. Don’t expect them to handle everything… they might expect the same from you.
While disclosing your decisions, your partner might ask you to think things through. Don’t get defensive, perhaps there’s some underlying issue to take care of. Trust your partner’s actions, they want the best for you
If you think your partner’s decision isn’t right, tell them how. Be definite about what you say instead of invalidating their thoughts and emotions completely.
When goals change, people don’t decide to ditch a loving relationship overnight… It feels wrong bit by bit for days. So whenever anything feels off, communicate.

9. Sex issues in relationships

The next common issue couples face is a mismatched libido. Sex life issues can be huge deal breakers for your relationship.

If you have a higher libido than your partner, you’ll always feel dissatisfied.

Or, the type of sex each of you wants is different, it will leave both the partners craving for their kind of sex outside of a relationship.

Despite the mismatch, giving up on your sex life without any valid hormonal or medical issues is not a solution.

Sex can boost feel-good hormones and help create deeper bonds. However, a sexless bond makes you both feel emotionally distant.

Discuss both of your preferred sexual needs. Incorporate all kinds of sexual activities you both like into your routine to satisfy you both.
Plan sex dates. Think it will take the charm away? Instead, planning will keep you both thinking of the possibilities and get you more excited.
If you can’t have sex because of responsibilities like old parents or children, consider hiring a caretaker or babysitter on some days. Show each other that you still desire them sexually.
If you can’t give the responsibilities of loved ones to others, then simply make do with any chances you get. Perhaps the children are at school, or your parents are taking a nap. Make time for each other without any excuse.
When working on your relationship – sexually – becomes hard, consider a sex therapist. They can even help you find what can work for you both if you can’t.

10. Intimacy issues in relationships

Everyone ages with time… and unfortunately youthful sex life doesn’t last forever. Women experience menopause, men experience erectile dysfunction.

Some people have the same definition for intimacy and sex… and that’s where a sexless relationship goes downhill.

Intimacy is way beyond the union through sex. It can be nonsexual physical contact, emotional, or even spiritual.

Give each other back rubs, cuddles, scalp massages, hugs, and kisses for physical intimacy.
Communicate with each other openly about how you feel about your relationship. Share your fears about the lack of sex for emotional intimacy.
Practice yoga, meditation, or even participate in religious acts together to build spiritual intimacy.
Discuss matters about work, your or your child’s studies, or even some interesting book to build intellectual intimacy.
Participate together in indoor activities like cooking, cleaning, or even a round of chess, and outdoor activities like grocery shopping, dropping/picking the kids together, or even a hike.

11. Parenting issues in relationships

Having a child can be the best thing in your relationship until you drown in responsibilities. Children are so cute that they can make your heart melt, but they need care, 24/7.

In fact, many couples face difficulties leading a normal life after childbirth because they feel unattractive to their partner as they don’t have any intimate time for themselves… which results in misunderstandings among healthy couples.

Moreover, some couples have fights about how many children they want, the education styles, or even parenting styles.

Whenever the child makes a mistake, the couples fight instead of managing the situation.

Before you rear a family, discuss how many children you want, at what age gaps .
Preferred parenting styles usually depend on everyone’s childhood experience. Since your partner didn’t experience the same, they won’t understand your stance. Discuss how you want to raise the child.
When both of you have different beliefs or values, educating a child can be hard, discussing your values to find out what’s the best for their future.
If you already have children, send them over to cram school, or relatives’ place to bond with your partner. If you’re expectant parents, talk to your GYN about when you can get sexually intimate safely.
Discuss how you’ll deal with conflict. Resolve the conflicts respectfully in front or away from your child. Your behavior will impact a child’s mental growth and habits too.

12. Expectation issues in relationships

Unfortunately, human beings do have unrealistic expectations from their life partners. You can’t NOT expect too much, because that’s how humans are built.

You want them to mentor you, support you, be your best friend, a perfect parent, a perfect son/daughter-in-law… other than your lover.

Even if you try yourself, you can’t achieve all of these at once, so isn’t that unfair to your partner?

And when they can’t meet your impractical expectations, you fight, blame them for mishaps, misunderstand their intentions… and it destroys your relationship.

Verbally convey your expectations to your partner. Notice how they react, if they’re comfortable with your demands. Don’t pick a fight if they can’t comply with everything.
Sometimes, your partner will fail to keep promises. Perhaps it was out of their capabilities but they still tried. Don’t disapprove of failed attempts, at least they didn’t refuse your feelings.
Can you meet your own expectations? Ask yourself if it’s possible. If you can’t, understand that they’re human too. If you can and your partner can’t, help yourself. Teach your partner to assist you, if possible.
Never expect your partner to understand your unsaid desires. If you really need something, ask them directly, never beat around the bush.
If you have anger issues and can’t seem to calm down even when you know they aren’t at fault, seek a therapist.

13. Jealousy issues in relationships

Jealousy doesn’t always arise when your partner gets lots of attention from potential partners… you might feel jealous when your partner climbs up the ladder of success faster than you.

A little pang of jealousy can boost your zeal to impress your partner better or become more productive in the workplace. However, most couples don’t follow that route.

They’ll pry in their partner’s social media, messages, and fight on trivial matters. Jealousy is another grave issue that can kill a relationship if not tended to well.

Jealousy and trust issues are somewhat linked. Perhaps your broken trust from past or present relationships led to jealousy. If something bothers you, be transparent about it.
Talk to your partner when you hate others talking to them. They’ll reassure you about your position in their life.
If it’s jealousy about professional life, speak up. They might give you some tips they used in their life.
Transparency in relationships develops trust… so always be honest with your partner. Allow your partner to know you once more.
Investigating your partner’s social media is immoral. If you always have such urges, go for couples counseling. A professional will find a better solution for obsessive jealousy .

14. Attachment issues in relationships

You don’t choose to have attachment issues in your life, it’s not your choice but a learned behavior throughout your life.

Usually, it’s a result of the type of relationship you had with a parent figure.

You might feel like monopolizing your partner, their circle, the amount of time they spend outside, their activities… all because of attachment issues.

While it looks sweet that your partner is always on your mind, with time it becomes a pain to comply, and couples separate because they can’t take it anymore.

Honestly communicate with your partner and urge them to be honest too. Make some rules about speaking upfront whenever you feel the other is smothering them with their attachment style. Both sides prioritize it simultaneously, else the relationship will go downhill.
Refrain from monopolizing one another. Don’t stop each other from living their life as long as you stay loyal.
Spending time apart will show your capabilities. Nurture yourself with new hobbies when you’re apart. Don’t let your mind sit idle and overthink.
If you need more time, ask them directly instead of getting in one another’s way. Use more “I” statements because it is all about you.
Bare your causes of attachment issues. Talk about what happened in your childhood and what led to this situation. Perhaps they’ll suggest a better way to deal with it. Or, book a consultation with a licensed marriage and family therapist.

15. Daddy issues in relationships

If you didn’t have a father since childhood, or your father didn’t take your responsibilities, you might constantly seek fatherly love in your life.

It’s not always negative… Some people with daddy issues eventually become the best caregiver because they know what they needed in their childhood.

However, sometimes people become needy, possessive, sex-addict, or seek older lovers. Usually, the person with daddy issues gets into relationships to fill a void, and not for love.

Urge the partner with daddy issues to express their sadness. Their younger self needed attention, nobody cared for them, so wash away the pain in your tears.
Identify behavior patterns from daddy issues and calmly discuss how to suppress such behaviors.
Replace the behaviors from daddy issues with healthier alternatives. If you seek older men to fill in a gap, stop and look back if you’re really happy… you’ll get your answers.
Reassure the sufferer that they didn’t deserve how their father treated them, it wasn’t their fault. Some people blame themselves for their father’s absence.
Seek couples’ counseling when nothing works out.

16. Compatibility issues in relationships

Two people with different beliefs and values can fall in love , accept each other as they are, and make a successful relationship. However, that’s not how it usually is.

When two people have something in common, they bond harmoniously… They can also understand each other better.

But, conflicting religious, political, or lifestyle beliefs and values will lead to relationship issues.

Before you fall in love too deeply or marry someone, discuss your difference in opinions. How will you handle it when your favorite football team wins and theirs loses. Will you rub it on their face or keep your celebrations down?
Limit opposing beliefs to the concerned topic only. Don’t pull them into your relationship. For instance, you’re a vegan, your partner loves non-veg. Share the benefits of veganism, but don’t say they’re a bad person for having meat.
You might not have much in common… but there will be minute common interests. Focus on the commons more than the differences. If you love them, you’ll constantly seek ways to bond, so use the common interests.
Building trust is another way to beat incompatibility. Make your partner feel you won’t hurt them when they’re low. Show it with your actions, don’t just say it.
Accept the differences, show tolerance towards their different likes. You might not eat pork yourself, but if they’re happy, let them have it. Respect each other’s choices and beliefs.

17. Support issues in relationships

Sometimes life flows in completely unexpected ways. For instance, you know you’ll get promoted and there’s nobody else who worked as hard as you.

However, somebody else got it and you’re devastated.

You break down and need a hug from your partner. However, your partner can’t spare a moment because they’re busy with their professional life too.

If you relate with this scenario, you possibly hold deep resentment against your partner for not supporting you during the darkest hours.

You question the meaning of your bond, feel insecure, think they don’t care or love you anymore. Support issues can even weaken healthy couples.

Perhaps your partner doesn’t understand how to deal with such situations, so teach them. Ask them for a hug, tell them you need them to get over a situation. Promote verbal communication to understand one another’s needs better.
Understand their stance, perhaps they’re in the middle of something urgent and aren’t emotionally stable to care for you. Perhaps their parents aren’t doing well, or something’s wrong at their workplace.
Promote gentle verbal refusal with proper explanation when either of you can’t support the other. Being clear about your situation can reduce unnecessary misunderstandings.
Talk to your friends and family when your partner is unavailable. Don’t expect one person to be capable of everything.
Write a journal when nobody has time. Sometimes, people are busy and can’t make time. It seems coincidental that everyone is preoccupied on your bad days… but you can’t help it.

18. Addiction issues in relationships

If you’re in love with an addicted partner, it’s going to be extremely tough to make the relationship work.

Moreover, if the addicted partner loses their sense of rationality for their addiction, various issues can arise alongside.

They might steal from the household budget, snatch away your hard-earned money, or even destroy funds for your child.

This is a challenging issue and most couples part ways when things look too bleak.

Communicate with your sober partner about how their actions affect your life, household, or other loved ones. Don’t scream, or blame them, keep your voice low so they don’t get the wrong implication. Ask them if they really don’t care about it.
They might feel regretful about the situation after communicating about it. Suggest them couples’ counseling to fight the issues together… you’re also a victim of your situation, don’t neglect yourself.
Notice what triggers their addiction. Is it trouble from personal or professional life? Learn the triggers to avoid them or soothe them whenever the situation arises.
While your partner heals from addiction, don’t contact people who disrespect them for their habits. They’re at fault, but they’re trying, so stay connected with supportive loved ones.
Encourage them to change when they give in to addiction, don’t show disappointment for failed attempts. However, don’t stay back if there’s abuse.

19. Ignoring issues in relationships

When you or your partner ignore each other, spend too much time on yourself or your friends, don’t involve each other at all in life decisions, insecurities bud in your relationship.

Perhaps, you’re unhappy with something, give them the silent treatment and completely forget to remind them about the family reunion.

Your partner gets hurt and returns you the cold shoulder. This deepens the crack in your relationship.

Do the opposite – ignoring won’t help you – discuss the dissatisfying factors in your relationship.
Listen to each other properly, let them finish talking before you say anything.
Spend quality time to understand each other’s needs.
Take each other out to meet friends and family.
Even if you ignore it out of habit, reassure your partner that it’s nothing worrisome and you’ll make up after taking some time.

20. Estrangement issues in relationships

Two people deeply in love don’t become strangers overnight… It’s a gradual process that shakes the relationship groundwork.

Perhaps, you both focused so much on building a career, buying the dream house, upbringing children, and so many other things that you both forgot about yourselves.

Estrangement issues stem when you both are unaware. Five years down the lane you feel you don’t know your spouse and this realization hits you on the face.

Since you both were equally happy about your decisions, it’s hard to figure out where things went wrong.

Invest time in your relationship. Go out on vacations and dates. Even if you have greater commitments, make time for each other.
Watch shows together and discuss which part touched your heart or what made you angry. Or, simply talk about how your day went. Perhaps your co-worker got married and it reminded you of your wedding vows .
Retake your vows if you’re married, or make your own to deepen the bonds. Celebrate your anniversaries and birthdays together… don’t lose the fleeting moments of happiness.
Share your goals with each other. Perhaps you’re financially stable enough to quit your job and build a business. You don’t need your partner’s permission but still share the info, including them in the journey.
Don’t just say “I love you”, use your love language to show it.

21. Control issues in relationships

If your partner expects you to be a typical partner, forces you to change, treats you well only when you please them, they’re manipulative, toxic, and have control issues.

In such relationships, you lose freedom, self-esteem, and confidence. The relationship becomes burdensome and takes a toll on your emotional and physical wellness.

Your partner possibly faced several breaches of trust to become controlling. Ask them about their past to dig out the real causes.
Tell them that you want to work out this relationship but can’t behave like a puppet. Set healthy boundaries about what they can or can’t interfere in.
Adhere to couples’ or individual counseling if communication doesn’t work out. Your partner must be willing to change too.
Try relaxing exercises like yoga and meditation. Read good books about good communication skills and healthy relationships together.
The controlling partner must be open to accept the situation and accept how their partner is. If a controlling partner doesn’t want to change, take some space and consider separation.

22. Pace issues in relationships

You might think that it’s too early to propose and that your finances aren’t stable for making a family. Your partner might be already dreaming about the number of kids they want.

Sometimes even the most compatible couples aren’t on the same page which leads to misunderstandings, conflict, frustration, or even breakups.

Communicate with your partner about everything. How else will you know about their dreams?
Bad at verbal communication? Make a list of what you want in your relationship… and exchange the lists.
Checkmark whatever looks good to you and discuss the rest. Explain why something’s not possible in your relationship. Settle for something that’ll work for you both.
Create new goals that work for both of you and work hard on them.
If you want a future together, but they need time, patiently wait. Be more tolerant of their needs.

23. Conflict issues in relationships

Fights are natural for healthy relationships but do you feel your relationship is a repeat telecast of a pathetic drama?

Stuck at the same point in your relationship while everyone else moves forward?

If that’s the case, you might feel frustrated and unhappy about your relationship… perhaps even consider breaking things off?

Fighting about the same thing implies you didn’t resolve the issue yet.

During a fight, mind your language. Do you try to get back at them for hurting you? Or, do you truly try to resolve the conflicts?
Don’t mingle past issues with current ones. Resolve past conflicts separately from the current ones. Otherwise, you only build a worse situation.
Don’t curse them or their loved ones, keep things civil, don’t blame them. Rather seek the causes behind a certain situation to solve it.
Your conflict management style might be faulty. Perhaps, you don’t allow your partner to talk while you do. Or, you don’t care as long as you get to pour your heart out.
If you’re at fault, apologize. If you can’t get over their hurtful actions, seek a marriage counselor and learn to forgive them.

24. Responsibility issues in relationships

A relationship is full of responsibilities starting from each other’s welfare, children’s wellness, proper budget management, to even taking care of each other’s parents.

Not taking your responsibilities seriously or unevenly distributing responsibilities can become a detrimental issue in your relationship.

Begin the discussion without blaming else they’ll take it offensively and your communication will be fruitless.
Tell them how the current situation has put you at a disadvantage.
Allow them to speak in their defense… perhaps it’s not petty excuses and they really have something on.
Forgive them and give them another shot. Believe that they can and will change. Support the change with encouraging words.
List down the responsibilities so they don’t forget anything. Sometimes, innocent forgetfulness leads to huge fights.

25. Infidelity issues in relationships

One of the devastating relationship issues which promise high chances of separations is infidelity.

Nearly half of the American divorces are because of it. About 4 out of 10 unmarried couples had an infidelity situation once in their relationship.

Also, most couples never have a conversation about their definition of cheating. You might think nonsexual flirting isn’t cheating, your partner might not.

Your partner might think the emotional connection with others is cheating, you don’t.

Discuss what infidelity or cheating means to each of you. Identify what’s off-limits for each of you.
If you or your partner have already cheated, the other must think about what they want. Do you need space to process things, a chance to rebuild trust, or call things off? Think wisely with a clear mind.
The cheating partner must think why they cheated… was it for the thrill, dissatisfaction in the relationship, or to hurt your partner? If it was a mistake, consider asking for forgiveness.
If the cheated partner can’t cope with the situation, consider couples counseling. Also, seek therapy to treat cheating urges.
Nobody learned to trust in one day, and it’s harder to build broken trust. So, give it time if you wish to make the relationship work.

26. Attraction issues in relationships

When you find the one of your dreams, you dream of building a unique relationship, and living a happily-ever-after… only if you’re monogamous.

However, you might find out way later that you’re into ethical non-monogamy (ENM) … however, your partner isn’t.

You keep your random flings a secret because you don’t want to hurt your partner, but it only instills trust issues in your partner.

If you’re into ENM, talk to your partner. Your partner learned to trust you through this relationship… it didn’t come easy… don’t break it.
If you feel attracted to someone, don’t take them to bed. Communicate with your partner about how you felt, give them examples of your feelings.
Your partner might or might not accept your feelings. Think about what you want in your relationship. What’s more precious – ENM or your current relationship?
Never force your partner to accept an open relationship or cheat on your partner. There’s no meaning in forcing a relationship.
Think about what attracted you to the other person, try role-playing with your partner. Perhaps, you’re more into the thrill of an extra-marital affair than ENM.

27. Monotony issues in relationships

For most people, relationships are fun and flowery only in the honeymoon phase. Beyond that, everything loses its charm… you feel that your relationship stops you from being the real you.

You can’t hang out with friends because someone expects you home, can’t scream your lungs out while gaming because your partner is sleeping, can’t bring over friends because it’ll disturb your partner and children.

This leads to pent-up resentment issues in relationships.

Perhaps your partner is fine with you having boys/girls’ night-outs. Ask them what they feel about it, or if it will be convenient for them.
Plan double dates with your friends. You spend time with your friends while bonding with your partner.
Drop your partner and the children at your parents’ place if you want a friends’ party at your place… take your partner’s consent before it.
Recreate your first date or a favorite scene from a movie. Ask your partner to join you and find something interesting themselves.
Send the children to their grandparents’, spend quality time with your spouse. Both of you must participate equally in this.

28. Dependency issues in relationships

When you fall in love, you want to involve them in every moment of your life… it feels pretty good to multiply your happiness that way.

However, relationship dependency can be of two types… interdependency – where you balance the dependence on each other, depend on each other to thrive.

The second is codependency wherein – your happiness depends on them, you don’t feel worthy unless they praise you.

Codependency strips off your individuality, independence, confidence, and leads to many mental disorders.

While you love spending time with your partner, also spend some time loving yourself. Go for a hike, rock-climbing, parasailing, or any exotic activities all alone.
Spend time with loved ones while they’re busy with their friends. Some people other than your partner make you happy… like parents, best friends, or even cousins.
Try solving your problems yourself before you reach out to your partner. Instead of asking for their help, take hints to help yourself. Also, tell them to hold back from extending the helping hand.
Create a journal full of dreams that are only about you. Work towards fulfilling your desires that don’t need or involve your partner.
The non-codependent partner must ask for solutions from the codependent one. Reversing roles will help the codependent partner grow even while their partner is around.

29. Influence issues in relationships

Despite how happy you feel in your relationship, outsiders will always find fault in it. Your aunt might disapprove of your spouse and insist on getting a divorce because you deserve a richer partner.

Their grandparents might disapprove of you because you don’t take enough care of your partner. Or, even their friends might suggest that your partner missed many hotties for you.

Outsiders get under your skin and create issues in your relationship.

Disregard outsiders’ opinions. Channel your thoughts to how you feel. If you feel good, everything’s fine.
When someone disses your partner, stand up for them. Never let anyone get away after disrespecting your partner. Both of you must follow the same process.
If you realize you had fights because of their influence, come clean to your partner, apologize and tell them the reason behind your outburst. Don’t expect them to understand you without any explanation.
Don’t spend too much time with people who always diss your relationship.
If you fight with your partner, never share the news with such people. They live on gossip and wait to sabotage relationships.

30. Companionship issues in relationships

Your childhood friends might behave like a jerk to your partner or vice versa… because they can’t do “single” things anymore.

Despite your partner’s mental disapproval of your friends, they can’t say much. So, instead, they feel deep resentment against your friends for taking you astray.

The resentment and suppressed emotions result in grave issues in the relationship.

Talk to each other about what you dislike about the other’s friends. Explain what exactly makes you fear their companionship.
If your partner expresses concern about your friends’ circle, assure them about your commitment to the relationship.
Plan getaways where you two can know each other’s friends properly and remove any misunderstandings.
Spend more time with your partner than your friends. Sometimes attention can solve certain issues.
Understand that neither of you can break friendships, but certainly give a heads-up about your location when you’re with your friends.

31. Score issues in relationships

If you or your partner gets back at each other for age-old issues, you have a mental score about their mistakes.

You seek chances to get even with them at every instant, you’re stuck in the past.

Soon you’ll feel that you’re better off without the negativity of your relationship… and go separate ways.

If there are any unresolved issues from the past, solve them as soon as possible. Don’t allow old memories to stop you from making new ones.
If anything disturbs you today, resolve the conflict now instead of leaving it until a suitable time. Even if you’re both busy, give them a hint that you need to talk.
Don’t connect any previous matter with a new one, unless you have proof. For instance, your partner works until late. Then you saw them talking to an unknown woman on the subway. Communicate calmly without jumping to conclusions.
Forgive them if they did wrong to you, and yourself for allowing them to. Seek a therapist if you can’t bear to forgive them.
If you made a mistake that led to the current situation, apologize and do your best to rebuild trust in your relationship.

32. Adjustment issues in relationships

Relationships work with compromise… otherwise, no two unique people can make a relationship work. However, how much compromise is enough for you?

Perhaps you compromise about certain situations but aren’t willing to honestly. Or, the amount of adjustment feels like a burden.

Or, your partner is a complete klutz when it comes to adjustments and you end up compromising all the time.

Whether it’s an inadequate or forceful adjustment, this is another deal-breaking relationship issue.

When things don’t seem too bright, communicate gently. Tell them what’s wrong and find a solution together.
Don’t blame them for not adjusting enough or making you adjust too much. Rather tell them what’s dissatisfying you and what can help you fix the situation. Whether you need them to do the dishes at night or rub your feet, ask instead of blaming.
Understand that your partner might not always intentionally avoid adjustment. But whenever they do, gently point it out. Don’t wait until your next fight.
Check-in with each other from time to time to know their feelings about the relationship dynamic.
When either of you can’t compromise for certain reasons, the other must have their back – you’re both on the same team. Don’t work against each other.

33. Security issues in relationships

Sometimes you might feel insecure randomly without any reason. Or, perhaps your friend’s divorce after a ten-year-long marriage shook you to the core.

Also, not knowing what your partner has in mind makes you anxious.

Despite your confessions, if your casual date needs more time… insecurities crawl into your bed. Also, you might live in the moment, your partner might not.

Perhaps they can’t wait to buy a house, but don’t know what you’re thinking. Usually, such issues revolve around the future.

Don’t spill your thoughts too early in the relationship. Take time to understand their intentions about you.
Communicate with “I always wanted to settle down, what do you think?” Ask open-ended questions to know about their feelings.
Never pressure them into doing something. Even if there was a chance, pressure will ruin it.
Share your future plans and urge them to open up. It will take time, so don’t share all of your dreams in one day.
If they promise you a future together, learn to trust them. If you still feel insecure, time to share that.

34. Socializing issues in relationships

You might be an extrovert, your partner might feel uncomfortable making small talk.

Suppose, you went to a party, introduced your partner to others, but they want to bail out of the situation badly.

You feel hurt about their behavior or even misunderstand it as disrespectful behavior towards your acquaintances.

Well, perhaps they didn’t do it intentionally, but you hold a grudge for not playing along.

You avoid parties because your partner can’t adjust with them… however, they are uncomfortable because of their introverted nature.

If you’re an introvert, admit it. If you suspect your partner to be one, ask them. Make sure you know each other’s reasons before assuming things.
Don’t force an introvert into tough situations where they must socialize.
When you find your partner uncomfortable talking to someone, join the conversation to save the day.
If you love socializing, find other common interests to strengthen your relationship.
Learn to understand and cover for each other’s shortcomings with time. After all, socializing isn’t everything in life.

35. Boundary issues in relationships

You and your partner have different boundaries about different aspects of your life. For instance, you might like calling your partner during work, your partner might feel distracted and not stand it.

You both have certain things you can’t and won’t tolerate in your life.

However, your partner might not be aware and cross the boundaries multiple times… and it bothers you so much that you wonder why you like them.

Allow your partner to know your dislikes. If you don’t like them checking your DMs, tell them. Don’t hide your dislikes because they might not like it.
Create a list of boundaries if you can think of a few things you want your partner to maintain.
If you can’t, learn together about each other’s boundaries.
Ask their reasons behind boundaries if it bothers you. Don’t assume things on your own.
Never cross boundaries to get back at them for their mistakes… It complicates the situation.

36. Feedback issues in relationships

If your partner hates it when you give them genuine feedback about their life, things can get tough in your relationship.

Perhaps they always take things negatively and act defensively.

Share that you mean no harm with your feedback, that you only want them to grow.
Ask for their feedback too, this way they’ll learn to give constructive feedback.
Show them how to apply constructive criticism to progress in life.
Control the amount or rate of feedback you give in a day.
Don’t give constructive feedback in public, it feels insulting in public places.

37. Rebound issues in relationships

If your partner still misses an ex, that’s mighty hurting to you. In fact, you might have many other issues on this list like insecurities, and trust issues.

They might reunite with the ex, cheat on you… or even use you as a replacement. However, if you knew about it from the beginning, they’re fair to you.

Confess about your feelings. Whether you feel hurt, or need their complete focus, ask them.
Gently tell them that they left their ex in the past for a reason, and there’s no reason to miss them.
Suggest them to do something distracting whenever they go down in a spiral of their crush’s thoughts.
Speak to a marriage and family therapist if things seem don’t work out.
Settle on respecting their mourning time, but don’t allow them to think more than that.

38. Abandonment issues in relationships

If your parent figure didn’t give enough support or assurance in your childhood, you might have abandonment issues.

Perhaps your caregiver didn’t allow you to express yourself or belittle you or even pressured you with perfectionism.

And now, you always try to please your partner due to the fear of them abandoning you.

Abandonment issues house other issues like mistrust, jealousy, insecurities, controlling nature, or adjusting too much.

Voice your issues and fears to your partner, tell them what bothers you, what drives your actions.
If you need verbal reassurance, ask for it directly.
Do things that you genuinely enjoy. The partner must focus on the abandoned person’s enjoyment to boost their confidence in the relationship.
Allow the abandoned to focus on expressing themselves more. Urge them to be expressive.
Seek a mental health therapist if the trauma seems incurable.

39. Mommy issues in relationships

If you had a strenuous relationship with your mother, she abused, neglected, or manipulated you in childhood, you might suffer from mommy issues.

This usually shows up in relationships in the form of commitment phobia, trust issues, unhealthy expectations from a partner, or even trouble setting boundaries.

Discuss with your partner about your mother’s dysfunctional parenting styles
Seek couples’ therapy to treat the condition together
Discuss healthy boundary setting practices with your therapist
Include your mother in the sessions if possible
Learn skills to develop healthy relationships in life

40. Perspective issues in relationships

Perhaps your partner always sees things negatively or the downside of any situation. However, you always try to cheer them up with other possibilities.

Every time you talk about the bright side of a situation, your partner says “You don’t understand me.” They push you away because of their pessimism and block any optimistic approach from you.

During communicating, let them state all the negative factors in their mind. Allow them to put out everything in their head before you begin talking.
Suggest something only once you feel it will not impact the existing situation negatively. But if they still find the suggestions useless, ask them which part is lacking.
Don’t impose your beliefs on your partner or disregard their beliefs. They have seen their fair share of life and have their reasons.
Practice optimism together. Write positivity journals about the good occurrences throughout the day. Give each other a pep-talk in the morning. Immerse your soul in self-love. If nothing works, discuss attending therapy together.

A word from ThePleasantRelationship

Despite the kind of relationship issues, save your relationship with baby steps, good communication skills, and active listening.

However, never take the budding issues lightly. Even a dispute over chores can result in huge misunderstandings and discontentment later on.

The more you let things slide, the more you feel your relationship is unfair.

Handle the issues in your relationship with elegance. No blaming, no shaming, be an honest responsible person, and keep the negative feelings aside when you talk.

Remember that you can’t take back poisonous words… they’ll always be there in your partner’s mind to create more issues. Have faith in each other to overcome any hardships.

Consider couples’ therapy when it’s too hard… and never compromise with an abusive relationship . Prioritize yourself if your partner doesn’t comply.

Surabhi wakes up every day with a drive to craft words that can create a soulful impact. Creatively adventurous, she is always seeking to learn new skills and acquire new experiences. With a hidden soft corner for languages (especially Urdu), she writes poetry occasionally, binges on romantic shows, and LOVES to talk. A hustler, admirer, chaser, Surabhi is just another-someone who refused to give up on her dreams. She says, she is just somebody who’s trying to make herself a writer and for now, she’s just writing...

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Relationships
Maintaining Relationships

How to Solve Relationship Problems

Last Updated: July 28, 2022 Approved

Communicating

Finding solutions, healthy routines.

This article was co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS . Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin specializing in Addictions and Mental Health. She provides therapy to people who struggle with addictions, mental health, and trauma in community health settings and private practice. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011. There are 7 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page. wikiHow marks an article as reader-approved once it receives enough positive feedback. In this case, 85% of readers who voted found the article helpful, earning it our reader-approved status. This article has been viewed 406,210 times.

Relationships may develop problems for a variety of reasons, but poor communication is often the reason why some people have a hard time solving these problems. If you are in a relationship that has hit a rough patch, then you may benefit from improving the communication between your partner and yourself. You can also learn how to deal with problems as they arise in order to move past arguments and toward solutions. After things have gotten better, there are things that you can do to ensure that your relationship continues to thrive and grow.

For example, you could set aside 15 minutes per morning to sit and tell each other about your plans for the day. Or, you could give your partner a call on his or her lunch break to check in and see how your partner’s day is going.
Scheduling time to talk about relationship problems can be useful as well. By setting a time limit for discussing your problem, you may reduce some of the tension in your relationship and get closer to a solution. For example, you could decide to discuss a specific problem from 7-8pm.
Keep these conversations as light as possible and avoid discussing anything that might upset your partner during this time. The goal is to get a rapport going again. Of course, if your partner is having a bad day or is feeling stressed about something, listen and be supportive and encouraging.

Step 2 Discuss problems in a public place.

Make eye contact with your partner when he or she is talking. Do not look away, look at your phone, or anywhere else when your partner is talking to you. Give your partner your full attention.
Nod your head and indicate your interest with neutral statements, such as “yes,” “I see,” and “go on.”
Rephrase what your partner has just said to make sure that you have understood him or her.

For example, instead of saying, “You never make the bed in the morning,” say, “I would really appreciate it if you could make the bed if you get up after I do.”

Step 5 Express your appreciation for each other.

For example, if your partner often loads the dishwasher after dinner and tidies up the kitchen, let him or her know that you value these activities. Say something like, “I just want to say thank you for keeping our kitchen so clean and nice. I appreciate that so much.”

For example, instead of calling your partner a mean name or insulting him or her in some other way, identify what you want him or her to do.

Step 7 Allow your partner to finish speaking before you respond.

For example, you might say something like, “I am sorry for not calling you to tell you that I was going to be late. I will try to be more thoughtful in the future.”

For example, you may feel that your partner is not helping out around the house as much as he or she should be, and your partner may feel like you are too demanding. Take some time to think about what is bothering you and have your partner do the same.

For example, you might say, “I have been feeling overwhelmed by the housework and I could use some more help from you.” Your partner might say something like, “I have been feeling overwhelmed as well because of my work schedule and I feel like you don’t appreciate how hard I work.”

Step 3 Acknowledge your partner’s feelings.

For example, you might say something like, “Okay, I hear what you are saying. I did not realize that you felt that way.”
Do not get defensive even if your partner responds to you with a defensive claim, such as “You are always nagging me and you never appreciate how hard I work.” Acknowledge your partner’s feelings and move on.

For example, if your partner has been feeling unappreciated, then you can promise to acknowledge his or her efforts more often. You might also make it a rule that you will not ask you partner to do anything until he or she has had a chance to unwind a bit. Your partner might then promise you that he or she will be more consistent with certain household chores.

For example, if you promised to take out the garbage every night after dinner, make sure that you do so. Otherwise, your partner may start to feel resentful and begin lapsing on his or her promises as well.

Step 6 Be prepared to repeat these steps.

You don’t need to go far to get away. Try visiting a nearby city for a couple of nights. Go out to a nice dinner, see a play, or visit some museums together.

For example, you can hold your partner’s hand while watching a movie, give your partner a kiss before you leave for work, or hug your partner before you go to bed each night.

For example, you might have a girl’s or guy’s night out once per week, take a class by yourself, or join a special interest group on your own.

Step 5 Try new things with your partner.

For example, you could take a gourmet cooking class together, join a local hiking club, or try to learn a new language together.

Expert Q&A

Try to be patient. Solving relationship problems can be a long process, especially if the problems have been going on for a while. Thanks Helpful 3 Not Helpful 0
Remember to be mature. Jumping to conclusions, screaming at one another, and trying to get revenge is not the way to go. This can lead to more issues in the relationship. Thanks Helpful 2 Not Helpful 0
You'll need to lower your pride, If you two are having an argument stay calm, Don't let your pride win. This can cause a hard and a worst problem. Try to court again your partner if one of he/she is getting cold in your relationship. Thanks Helpful 3 Not Helpful 0

↑ http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/guide/7-relationship-problems-how-solve-them
↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/relationship-help.htm
↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fixing-families/201101/the-art-solving-relationship-problems
↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fixing-families/201311/common-sense-approach-solving-relationship-problems
↑ http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/guide/7-relationship-problems-how-solve-them?page=3
↑ http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/guide/7-relationship-problems-how-solve-them?page=2
↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/how-can-i-improve-intimacy-in-my-marriage/

About This Article

The best way to solve relationship problems is by improving communication. You can start by scheduling time for you and your loved one to just sit down and talk. For example, you could spend a few minutes in the morning to tell each other about your daily plans. When you think you're ready to move onto discussing the relationship, try to have your conversations in a public place to keep things civil. For more relationship advice from our reviewer, like how to maintain your relationship once things improve, keep reading. Did this summary help you? Yes No

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Top Tips For How To Solve Relationship Problems Without Breaking Up

There are times in romantic relationships where it feels like everything is too much, and you may wonder whether you and your significant other can make it through. Relationships can require a lot of work, and even the healthiest ones have some kind of conflict. Before breaking up with your partner, it can be important to assess whether your issues are repairable. In this article, we’ll be covering several different ways you can try to solve the problems in your relationship without having to part ways with one another.

Communicate with your partner

Healthy communication can be vital in any relationship. While it may be tempting to keep things to yourself to avoid fights, this can worsen things down the road. Couples who are honest with one another tend to have higher satisfaction in the relationship because they can work to meet one another’s needs. Asking your partner to sit down and talk about an issue with you can help both of you get to the bottom of it. If you’re having trouble communicating openly or one or both of you is getting defensive , couples therapy could be a helpful environment to open up to each other.

Don't expect a particular outcome

You might want things to be a certain way, but this could be precisely what's holding your relationship back. There's no one right way for a relationship to be; what matters is that it's healthy for you and your partner, and that both people are happy. This can be subjective depending on the couple. There are things that you might need in a relationship that other people might not, and there are things that your partner might need in a connection that is exclusive to them as a person, but there's no "right" relationship." Part of fixing a relationship may be about letting go of what "should" be and embracing what is, staying in the present moment, and working with what your relationship has. If there are things that are missing that you think could help your relationship improve, discuss them with your partner.

Compare and despair

You might look at other couples on social media and think: "why can't I be happy like those people?" However, you never know what happens behind closed doors. You don't know whether that couple is happy or not or whether they’re abusive toward one another. Therefore, try not to compare yourself to other couples. Even if they are happy, you can be satisfied, too, but your happiness is not predicated on other people's joy; it's exclusive to you. You and your partner likely have challenges that are unique to you, but these can often be worked out with the right tools, mindset, and support.

Validating your partner's feelings

Everyone deserves to have their feelings acknowledged and validated . This can be important in friendships and romantic relationships. When you and your partner have an argument or disagree on something, tempers can rise, and harsh words may be exchanged. It can be crucial to hear what your partner has to say. Most people want a partner who cares about and acknowledges their feelings. Try not to be defensive and listen without judging them. Validation doesn’t mean you agree with their feelings, but rather that you see them and are there to support them.

Active listening can improve communication between couples and help them solve issues they’re facing. Instead of listening to respond, try to listen in order to understand. Many disagreements happen because each person doesn’t understand the other. By listening well, admitting when you’re wrong, and honoring how your partner feels, you can work as a team to solve problems together. This can be much more effective than viewing one another as the enemy.

Compromise matters

In a romantic relationship, disagreements happen. You might be confident that your stance on the issue is right. However, there are three stances in an argument: your position, your partner's opinion, and a compromise. When both of you listen to one another and try to compromise, you can make a positive change in your relationship when you're willing to meet your partner halfway in a disagreement. When you value your partner's viewpoint on something that matters, it builds trust, and trust can be a crucial part of an intimate relationship. It only takes a moment to let your partner know that you care, and it can make all the difference in future disagreements. You may not get your way on everything, and they won't get all the things that they want either. That's the nature of compromise in a relationship.

Fostering independence

Relying on people and things outside of your relationship can help it grow. Although you may be tempted, you don’t need to go to your partner for every need or problem. In fact, this can be unhealthy. If you're feeling anxious, for example, you can find ways to help yourself before turning to your partner. Fostering your own sense of independence through hobbies, friendships, and your own opinions can help you appreciate your partner more. It may also allow you to disagree without ending the relationship because you realize you can have your needs met elsewhere.

Some couples spend so much time together that disagreements become more commonplace. Taking personal space can help each person sort out their thoughts and remember why they are in the relationship to begin with. As much as two people love one another, it can still be vital for a couple to have time apart. Focusing on hobbies, friends, and family can give the couple the rejuvenation they need to come back together with a clearer mindset.

Quality time

One of the most effective ways to improve a relationship is to spend quality time together. This is often how two people fall in love initially. You could participate in anything from watching TV to going on a hike or playing a board game. No matter what you choose to do, try to stay present in the moment and remember why you’re with your partner. The closer you and your partner are, the more effective you may be at navigating difficult conversations together.

Online counseling with Regain

Trying to save a relationship can be daunting, particularly when you feel you’ve tried everything in your power to turn things around. Sometimes, having a neutral party to serve as a mediator can be the answer to your relationship woes. In couples counseling through Regain, you can learn how to improve communication between you and your partner and seek to understand their perspective. Discussing sensitive issues may feel easier as you meet with your therapist from the comfort of your home or wherever else you feel at ease.

The efficacy of online counseling

Couples experiencing relationship problems can benefit from online therapy. One study assessed the efficacy of an online program for couples and individuals with a variety of concerns. Researchers found that the intervention was effective in improving relationship satisfaction and reducing distress among participants. Reductions in anxiety and depression were also seen.

Counselor reviews

“Dr. Burklow literally saved our relationship. I was honestly ready to call it quits . We joined Regain approximately two months before our wedding: that was six months ago. Needless to say we are now husband and wife. Since then, we learned tolerance and acceptance, not only of each other, but of ourselves. We began feeling and behaving like teammates as opposed to opponents. Though we looked forward to our weekly Tuesday night video sessions we knew couples therapy was not meant to be long term. In the short amount of time, Dr. Burklow provided us with the necessary tools to deal with conflict and ensuring a successful and healthy union. Thank you again Dr. Burklow!”

“With Cassandra’s help, we’ve been able to bring our relationship to a new, healthier, and much happier level, working through painful situations, growing as individuals and as a couple, and with tools to stay on this path. She’s very responsive, and it has been great to have her facilitate our messaging through the app all week. I highly recommend Cassandra. She’s skilled, supportive, and down-to-earth. We feel totally comfortable with her.”

Every couple can experience problems that are unique to their relationship. The process of moving past these issues can look different depending on the individuals involved. In general, healthy communication, active listening, and compromise can be effective methods to get over certain obstacles standing in a couple’s way. When these things aren’t enough, online couples counseling can be another productive way to move forward.

Frequently asked questions (FAQs)

How can I solve my relationship without breaking up?

Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of trust and communication. You are not out of options just yet. If you want to solve a dilemma you and your partner may be facing, it can be effective to work through it together like you would a puzzle. Look at it from all angles, evaluate all perspectives, and work together to make the repair. If you’re still struggling, consider getting help from a couples therapist.

What are the most common problems in a relationship?

Trust: Relationship problems can start when trust stops. Many couples experience this on a scale anywhere from momentary distrust to complete infidelity.
Money: Struggles with money can kill a relationship. Whether it be a mutual financial hardship or one partner feeling like they are pulling more of the weight, money issues in relationships can be a common problem for many couples.
Distance: Long-distance relationships sometimes have to work extra hard to keep communication lines open.
Sex: Problem-solving issues concerning sex can be difficult as well as sensitive for a lot of couples.
Repeated Arguments: It can be easy to get defensive and angry when the same argument crops up too many times.

Couples facing issues in their relationship may benefit from couples counseling when their own methods of repair don’t work.

How can you help your relationship?

How you choose to improve your relationship can depend on what problems you and your partner are facing. If you’re feeling disconnected, for example, it can help to spend more quality time with one another. If you’re struggling with financial matters, speaking with a financial advisor could allow you to set goals that are aligned with one another’s priorities. Different couples handle different problems in a variety of ways, some of which can work more effectively than others.

Is it normal to fight every day in a relationship?

Conflict is natural, and many times inevitable. In fact, even happy, healthy couples fight, but they know how to repair and move forward as a stronger unit. However, fighting every day could signal an issue and may not be indicative of a healthy relationship. If you’re fighting with your partner every day, it can be important to seek help from a professional or find other methods to save the relationship should the two of you desire that.

What to say to stop a breakup?

There is no magic word to stop a breakup. It can be important to respect your partner’s feelings and wishes. That said, if you want your partner to reconsider, it can be helpful to ask what you can do to change the outcome. Doing so can cultivate the longevity of the relationship.

What are the 5 most important things in a relationship?

Naturally, people value different things from a partner. For example, some people want their partner to have a good sense of humor, a stable job, or even good teeth. These five things can be important to any relationship, but other factors can matter just as much:

Trust: Healthy relationships are built on a strong sense of trust in one another.

Communication: Your partner cannot read your mind. If there is something that needs problem solving, try to communicate that in an open and loving way.

Passion: Passion can change over time. If you feel it slipping from your relationship, there are plenty of ways to reignite the spark. Shake things up, try something new, and see what sticks.

Timing: Be aware of how timing affects your relationship.

Respect: Mutual respect can play a major role in the growth of a healthy relationship. Human beings are programmed to desire respect, especially from those we feel closest to. Problems can start when respect isn’t present in a relationship.

When should you give up on a relationship?

It is difficult to say when to throw in the towel on a relationship. No one typically enters a relationship hoping it will end. If you feel like there is irreversible disrespect and distrust, or if you just think the timing is off, it’s okay to take a step back and reassess what you want and deserve. Abusive relationships are never okay.

How can I improve my relationship with love?

Happy couples are not without their problems. Loving relationships do not happen on their own; rather, they are cultivated over time.

How do you know if your relationship is worth saving?

If you’re putting in effort to solve your relationship problems and see results from these efforts, it may be worth saving. A relationship takes two people to work. You and your partner must both want the relationship to thrive and be healthy. If you each are willing to put in the work to move past your issues, your partnership may be worth saving.

Do couples who fight stay together?

Even happy couples experience conflict in their relationship. Fighting is not necessarily a sign of a poor relationship. Rather, it can be an opportunity for a couple to improve their partnership.

Why do couples fight over nothing?

Underlying fears, problems, or anxiety can be the cause for fighting over what is seemingly nothing. Taking some time to unpack what is really at the bottom of the issue can help.

How do you know when a relationship is really over?

Every relationship is different. However, once one or both partners have decided to breakup, the relationship may be considered over. Likewise, signing divorce papers could signal an end. Although a couple could choose to get back together in the future, this doesn’t mean the relationship isn’t over for now. Even after the romantic relationship has technically ended, though, it is common to have remaining feelings for that person.

How do you save a breakup?

If you do not understand why a relationship is ending, it can be tempting to try to save it. You may also love your partner so much that you don’t want it to end. This being said, it can be vital to respect your partner’s wishes. If your partner is willing to work on fixing the relationship with you, there are steps you can take together to try to save it. Not all relationships can be saved, but it is possible in some cases.

How To Fix A Relationship After A Fight And Move Forward
How To Get Over An Ex-Girlfriend: A Three-Step Process

StarsInsider

How to solve the most common relationship problems

Posted: October 6, 2023 | Last updated: April 30, 2024

<p>Intimate relationships take a lot of work, and even the strongest ones run into problems sometimes. With both of you tired from work, in-laws getting on your nerves, or the <a href="https://www.starsinsider.com/lifestyle/439927/life-skills-parents-can-teach-their-children-for-success" rel="noopener">kids</a> in trouble at school, these are all normal factors that can cause some trouble in a relationship. But life will never cease to throw all kinds of challenges at you—it just takes effort to work through them. Relationships only survive when people have the capacity to find shared ground, commit to one another, and overcome challenges.</p> <p>So take a look at the most common relationship problems couples tend to have, and discover how you and your partner can work together towards a happy and healthy relationship.</p><p>You may also like:<a href="https://www.starsinsider.com/n/177433?utm_source=msn.com&utm_medium=display&utm_campaign=referral_description&utm_content=516287v2en-en"> 11 cities around the world that may run out of water</a></p>

Intimate relationships take a lot of work, and even the strongest ones run into problems sometimes. With both of you tired from work, in-laws getting on your nerves, or the kids in trouble at school, these are all normal factors that can cause some trouble in a relationship. But life will never cease to throw all kinds of challenges at you—it just takes effort to work through them. Relationships only survive when people have the capacity to find shared ground, commit to one another, and overcome challenges.

So take a look at the most common relationship problems couples tend to have, and discover how you and your partner can work together towards a happy and healthy relationship.

You may also like: 11 cities around the world that may run out of water

Lack of trust

Lack of trust doesn't always relate to infidelity. It can appear anytime and constantly create doubt between partners. To work past this, both should work on being consistent and trustworthy. Call when you say you’ll call, and never lie. Showing respect also helps to build trust.

<p>Life can sometimes be too much and overwhelm you. Whatever the reason, it can put a strain on your relationship. When this happens, lean on each other for support. </p><p><a href="https://www.msn.com/en-us/community/channel/vid-7xx8mnucu55yw63we9va2gwr7uihbxwc68fxqp25x6tg4ftibpra?cvid=94631541bc0f4f89bfd59158d696ad7e">Follow us and access great exclusive content everyday</a></p>

Overwhelming

Life can sometimes be too much and overwhelm you. Whatever the reason, it can put a strain on your relationship. When this happens, lean on each other for support.

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<p>When you have a lot of things going on, it can be easy to take your partner for granted. Make time for each other every single day, even if you're busy. Don't forget to also text regularly throughout the day. </p><p>You may also like:<a href="https://www.starsinsider.com/n/219788?utm_source=msn.com&utm_medium=display&utm_campaign=referral_description&utm_content=516287en-us"> Royals caught off-guard</a></p>

Not prioritizing each other

When you have a lot of things going on, it can be easy to take your partner for granted. Make time for each other every single day, even if you're busy. Don't forget to also text regularly throughout the day.

<p>Money is a leading cause of stress in relationships. One of the tips to fix issues regarding finances is to have a serious conversation about money. Figure out what your budget is and stick to it. Also, work out a financial plan for the future and the steps you need to take together. </p><p><a href="https://www.msn.com/en-us/community/channel/vid-7xx8mnucu55yw63we9va2gwr7uihbxwc68fxqp25x6tg4ftibpra?cvid=94631541bc0f4f89bfd59158d696ad7e">Follow us and access great exclusive content everyday</a></p>

Money stress

Money is a leading cause of stress in relationships. One of the tips to fix issues regarding finances is to have a serious conversation about money. Figure out what your budget is and stick to it. Also, work out a financial plan for the future and the steps you need to take together.

You may also like: Royals caught off-guard

<p>It's normal for us to change as we move through life. And changing once shared priorities can cause a lot of conflicts. Look for common ground, and find a compromise that you are both happy with.</p><p>You may also like:<a href="https://www.starsinsider.com/n/221733?utm_source=msn.com&utm_medium=display&utm_campaign=referral_description&utm_content=516287en-us"> Epic celebrity falls</a></p>

Changing priorities

It's normal for us to change as we move through life. And changing once shared priorities can cause a lot of conflicts. Look for common ground, and find a compromise that you are both happy with.

<p>Children require a lot of attention and effort. This can cause a strain on the relationship, especially when partners disagree on how to raise them. Talk to your partner about why they think something should be done differently, and share your opinion. This will help you understand each other. </p><p><a href="https://www.msn.com/en-us/community/channel/vid-7xx8mnucu55yw63we9va2gwr7uihbxwc68fxqp25x6tg4ftibpra?cvid=94631541bc0f4f89bfd59158d696ad7e">Follow us and access great exclusive content everyday</a></p>

Children require a lot of attention and effort. This can cause a strain on the relationship, especially when partners disagree on how to raise them. Talk to your partner about why they think something should be done differently, and share your opinion. This will help you understand each other.

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<p>It's easy to lose your temper when it feels like you're the only one taking out the trash or doing the dishes. Agree together on who is responsible for what, and stick to it. Of course, a little flexibility should be factored in when someone is busier than usual. </p><p>You may also like:<a href="https://www.starsinsider.com/n/221847?utm_source=msn.com&utm_medium=display&utm_campaign=referral_description&utm_content=516287en-us"> The Last Supper: famous final feasts</a></p>

It's easy to lose your temper when it feels like you're the only one taking out the trash or doing the dishes. Agree together on who is responsible for what, and stick to it. Of course, a little flexibility should be factored in when someone is busier than usual.

<p>Problems with intimacy can be stressful and have a big impact on your relationship. It's important to have a serious talk and carve out time for you to be both emotionally and physically close. </p><p><a href="https://www.msn.com/en-us/community/channel/vid-7xx8mnucu55yw63we9va2gwr7uihbxwc68fxqp25x6tg4ftibpra?cvid=94631541bc0f4f89bfd59158d696ad7e">Follow us and access great exclusive content everyday</a></p>

Different intimacy needs

Problems with intimacy can be stressful and have a big impact on your relationship. It's important to have a serious talk and carve out time for you to be both emotionally and physically close.

You may also like: The Last Supper: famous final feasts

<p>Being taken for granted is one of the biggest reasons for breakups. Make sure you show appreciation, because that's what keeps us motivated and committed. </p><p>You may also like:<a href="https://www.starsinsider.com/n/225345?utm_source=msn.com&utm_medium=display&utm_campaign=referral_description&utm_content=516287en-us"> Cringeworthy moments when celebrities called out their interviewers</a></p>

Lack of appreciation

Being taken for granted is one of the biggest reasons for breakups. Make sure you show appreciation, because that's what keeps us motivated and committed.

<p>A partner’s addiction can cause a significant effect on the family and couple's overall happiness. Counseling and therapy can be enormously helpful as it helps both partners deal with the issues that inevitably arise.</p><p><a href="https://www.msn.com/en-us/community/channel/vid-7xx8mnucu55yw63we9va2gwr7uihbxwc68fxqp25x6tg4ftibpra?cvid=94631541bc0f4f89bfd59158d696ad7e">Follow us and access great exclusive content everyday</a></p>

A partner’s addiction can cause a significant effect on the family and couple's overall happiness. Counseling and therapy can be enormously helpful as it helps both partners deal with the issues that inevitably arise.

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<p>Infidelity means various things to different people. Talking about what infidelity is for you and your partner is important. However, when it has happened, the couple can try to regain trust and rebuild, or end the relationship. </p><p>You may also like:<a href="https://www.starsinsider.com/n/246349?utm_source=msn.com&utm_medium=display&utm_campaign=referral_description&utm_content=516287en-us"> The alcoholic beverage of choice in all 50 states</a></p>

Infidelity means various things to different people. Talking about what infidelity is for you and your partner is important. However, when it has happened, the couple can try to regain trust and rebuild, or end the relationship.

<p>When we get into a relationship, we want to share everything with the one we love. But this can lead to feelings of losing one’s individuality and freedom. Think of areas that you want to keep to yourself, like a hobby or sport. Explain this to your partner, so they don't feel rejected. </p><p><a href="https://www.msn.com/en-us/community/channel/vid-7xx8mnucu55yw63we9va2gwr7uihbxwc68fxqp25x6tg4ftibpra?cvid=94631541bc0f4f89bfd59158d696ad7e">Follow us and access great exclusive content everyday</a></p>

Over-involvement

When we get into a relationship, we want to share everything with the one we love. But this can lead to feelings of losing one’s individuality and freedom. Think of areas that you want to keep to yourself, like a hobby or sport. Explain this to your partner, so they don't feel rejected.

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<p>When there is a critical difference in core values and the way partners approach life, then conflict is bound to happen. To solve this, you need to reflect on what kind of changes you both need to make in order for the relationship to survive. </p><p>You may also like:<a href="https://www.starsinsider.com/n/289671?utm_source=msn.com&utm_medium=display&utm_campaign=referral_description&utm_content=516287en-us"> When the royals turn heads because of their legs</a></p>

Significant differences

When there is a critical difference in core values and the way partners approach life, then conflict is bound to happen. To solve this, you need to reflect on what kind of changes you both need to make in order for the relationship to survive.

<p>Some signs of jealousy include asking for your whereabouts, distrusting you, checking up on you, or distancing you. If your partner is jealous, try to be transparent, predictable, and honest. Give them time to trust you. But for this to be solved, they need to make an effort to change their behavior. </p><p><a href="https://www.msn.com/en-us/community/channel/vid-7xx8mnucu55yw63we9va2gwr7uihbxwc68fxqp25x6tg4ftibpra?cvid=94631541bc0f4f89bfd59158d696ad7e">Follow us and access great exclusive content everyday</a></p>

Some signs of jealousy include asking for your whereabouts, distrusting you, checking up on you, or distancing you. If your partner is jealous, try to be transparent, predictable, and honest. Give them time to trust you. But for this to be solved, they need to make an effort to change their behavior.

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<p>Drifting apart can happen slowly, and you won't even notice it until you wake up one day and realize that you haven't been intimate for a long time. So when you notice the signs, it is time to act. Make time for each other to reconnect. </p><p>You may also like:<a href="https://www.starsinsider.com/n/291814?utm_source=msn.com&utm_medium=display&utm_campaign=referral_description&utm_content=516287en-us"> Social situations that introverts dread</a></p>

Growing apart

Drifting apart can happen slowly, and you won't even notice it until you wake up one day and realize that you haven't been intimate for a long time. So when you notice the signs, it is time to act. Make time for each other to reconnect.

Unrealistic expectations

Having unrealistic expectations is normal for humans. However, this can lead to tons of misunderstandings and frustration. Ask yourself, what is it you feel entitled to? When you understand what your expectations are, and your partner doesn't meet them, then you can ask for different wishes.

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Lack of support

Lack of support from a partner can lead to feelings of loneliness and anxiety. Talking about what we need and what we can provide will clear the air around a lot of issues. This way your partner can work on being the main pillars of encouragement and comfort again.

<p>When one of the partners avoids taking responsibility, it can cause severe damage to the partnership. Responsibility needs to be distributed equally. But to address it, don't play the blame game. Also, if the change is to be long-lasting, it needs to happen gradually.</p><p><a href="https://www.msn.com/en-us/community/channel/vid-7xx8mnucu55yw63we9va2gwr7uihbxwc68fxqp25x6tg4ftibpra?cvid=94631541bc0f4f89bfd59158d696ad7e">Follow us and access great exclusive content everyday</a></p>

Lack of responsibility

When one of the partners avoids taking responsibility, it can cause severe damage to the partnership. Responsibility needs to be distributed equally. But to address it, don't play the blame game. Also, if the change is to be long-lasting, it needs to happen gradually.

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Outside influences

All couples are exposed to outside influences and opinions. However, your relationship comes first, and everyone else’s opinion is secondary. Therefore, show each other support.

<p>If you feel like the relationship is moving too fast or too slowly, it can make you terribly upset over seemingly little things. You might even question the relationship. You need to address it in order to understand how to find the middle ground, and meet both of your needs. </p><p><a href="https://www.msn.com/en-us/community/channel/vid-7xx8mnucu55yw63we9va2gwr7uihbxwc68fxqp25x6tg4ftibpra?cvid=94631541bc0f4f89bfd59158d696ad7e">Follow us and access great exclusive content everyday</a></p>

Moving at different speeds

If you feel like the relationship is moving too fast or too slowly, it can make you terribly upset over seemingly little things. You might even question the relationship. You need to address it in order to understand how to find the middle ground, and meet both of your needs.

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<p>Arguments are a part of every relationship. However, it can have either a helpful or destructive outcome depending on how it goes. A good fight is one where you end up agreeing on a first step to resolve the issue. Be sure to listen to each other. </p><p>You may also like:<a href="https://www.starsinsider.com/n/320905?utm_source=msn.com&utm_medium=display&utm_campaign=referral_description&utm_content=516287en-us"> This is the coldest inhabited place on Earth</a></p>

Ineffective argument

Arguments are a part of every relationship. However, it can have either a helpful or destructive outcome depending on how it goes. A good fight is one where you end up agreeing on a first step to resolve the issue. Be sure to listen to each other.

<p>This kind of toxic behavior diminishes the other partner’s freedom, confidence, and sense of self-worth. To deal with it, speak up, set boundaries, and seek couples counseling. </p><p><a href="https://www.msn.com/en-us/community/channel/vid-7xx8mnucu55yw63we9va2gwr7uihbxwc68fxqp25x6tg4ftibpra?cvid=94631541bc0f4f89bfd59158d696ad7e">Follow us and access great exclusive content everyday</a></p>

Controlling behavior

This kind of toxic behavior diminishes the other partner’s freedom, confidence, and sense of self-worth. To deal with it, speak up, set boundaries, and seek couples counseling.

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<p>Traumatic life events can put stress on any relationship and affect both your emotional and physical health. When this happens, don't shut your partner out. Be there for each other, even when times are rough.</p><p>You may also like:<a href="https://www.starsinsider.com/n/331224?utm_source=msn.com&utm_medium=display&utm_campaign=referral_description&utm_content=516287en-us"> Stunning Hindu temples you need to see to believe</a></p>

Traumatic life events can put stress on any relationship and affect both your emotional and physical health. When this happens, don't shut your partner out. Be there for each other, even when times are rough.

Keeping a scoreboard

When you keep blaming and recalling mistakes, then you're keeping a scoreboard. This only leads to anger and bitterness. If you want to save the relationship, speak your mind and don't build up the issues for later.

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<p>It's common for a couple to have the same fight over and over. When it starts to escalate, it can be very problematic for the relationship. Make sure to address the root of the problem, so that you can try to make a real and lasting change in your behaviors. </p><p>You may also like:<a href="https://www.starsinsider.com/n/343987?utm_source=msn.com&utm_medium=display&utm_campaign=referral_description&utm_content=516287en-us"> Bandmates who slept together</a></p>

Same fights

It's common for a couple to have the same fight over and over. When it starts to escalate, it can be very problematic for the relationship. Make sure to address the root of the problem, so that you can try to make a real and lasting change in your behaviors.

<p>All relationships go through periods of fun and boredom. However, when most days have a feeling of monotony, it's time to do something about it. Make a conscious decision to add spontaneity into the relationship. This will hopefully bring back the fun. </p><p><a href="https://www.msn.com/en-us/community/channel/vid-7xx8mnucu55yw63we9va2gwr7uihbxwc68fxqp25x6tg4ftibpra?cvid=94631541bc0f4f89bfd59158d696ad7e">Follow us and access great exclusive content everyday</a></p>

All relationships go through periods of fun and boredom. However, when most days have a feeling of monotony, it's time to do something about it. Make a conscious decision to add spontaneity into the relationship. This will hopefully bring back the fun.

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Life gets in the way

When you're in a relationship, it's a top priority to nurture and develop the connection. But sometimes life gets in the way. When you notice this happening, then it's time to make a conscious effort to reprioritize each other.

<p>Poor <a href="https://www.starsinsider.com/lifestyle/460517/simple-ways-to-have-a-better-conversation" rel="noopener">communication</a> leads to misunderstandings, fights, and frustration. Good communication skill make all the difference to your relationship. Learn how to listen without judging, interrupting, or attacking when you try to get your point across. </p><p>You may also like:<a href="https://www.starsinsider.com/n/216519?utm_source=msn.com&utm_medium=display&utm_campaign=referral_description&utm_content=516287en-us"> The world's most difficult languages to learn</a></p>

Poor communication

Poor communication leads to misunderstandings, fights, and frustration. Good communication skill make all the difference to your relationship. Learn how to listen without judging, interrupting, or attacking when you try to get your point across.

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<p>It's of the utmost importance to feel safe in a relationship. Whether it's verbal, emotional, or physical abuse, this kind of danger needs to be taken seriously and addressed immediately. If you need help, reach out to someone or call a helpline. </p><p>Sources: (<a href="https://www.talkspace.com/blog/relationship-problems/" rel="noopener">Talk Space</a>) (<a href="https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/solutions-for-8-common-relationship-issues/" rel="noopener">Marriage</a>)</p><p>See also: <a href="https://www.starsinsider.com/lifestyle/497076/how-to-survive-past-the-honeymoon-phase-of-a-relationship">How to survive past the honeymoon phase of a relationship</a></p><p><a href="https://www.msn.com/en-us/community/channel/vid-7xx8mnucu55yw63we9va2gwr7uihbxwc68fxqp25x6tg4ftibpra?cvid=94631541bc0f4f89bfd59158d696ad7e">Follow us and access great exclusive content everyday</a></p>

It's of the utmost importance to feel safe in a relationship. Whether it's verbal, emotional, or physical abuse, this kind of danger needs to be taken seriously and addressed immediately. If you need help, reach out to someone or call a helpline.

Sources: (Talk Space) (Marriage)

See also: How to survive past the honeymoon phase of a relationship

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Relationships

What to do when your man goes off sex

Sex expert Isiah McKimmie explains why men can lose their libidos – and what you can do to reach a compromise.

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Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie explains how men lose their libidos – and how to get them back.

QUESTION: My sex drive is wildly different from my husband’s and it’s causing problems in our marriage. We used to be in sync but recently his libido has plummeted while mine has risen. I’d love to have sex three or four times a week but he falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow and never seems interested any other time. How do we make sure both of us are happy?

ANSWER: Differences in libido is the most common challenge that couples seek my help for as a Couples Therapist and Sexologist. I’m highly aware of the painful emotions it can provoke for both of you. Despite the challenges that it can bring, it is possible to work together and maintain a strong partnership.

Differences in libido is the most common challenge that couples seek my help for. Picture: iStock

A difference in sexual desire levels is common in relationship

It’s often our expectations of sexual desire that create the biggest challenges for us. I want you to know that many couples experience a difference in desire levels. It isn’t necessarily a reflection of their love or attraction for each other.

Libido will also commonly fluctuate throughout your life. It can change for both of you at different times. When there are sudden or drastic shifts however, it is worth exploring what the underlying causes are.

It can feel particularly challenging when a male partner loses interest in sex

While differences in sexual desire are challenging in any relationship, it’s particularly challenging when men lose their libido – whether that’s in a heterosexual or queer relationship.

When men lose interest in sex, it can challenge their sense of masculinity and self worth, leading to feelings of shame and helplessness. It can also be difficult for their partner, as it breaks the stereotype that men always have a high interest in sex. As a partner, you can feel unattractive and unwanted.

Again, please know that this isn’t necessarily a reflection of your attractiveness or your partner’s love for you.

Know that this isn’t a reflection of your attractiveness or your partner’s love for you. Picture: iStock

How to manage a difference in libidos well

I need to emphasise that both of you being happy is about more than numbers. It’s not about compromising on the amount of sex that you have but working together so that you both feel understood, loved and wanted by each other.

Working on this together isn’t a straightforward journey, but there are steps that can help.

1. Empathise with each other

Whether it’s being openly expressed or not, it’s likely that you’re both struggling with this in some way. Both of your perspectives are valid and your feelings are real .

Trying to see each other’s perspective and having empathy for each other will help you work as a team on this and maintain a strong relationship.

2. Understand what might be impacting sexual desire

When we don’t understand why a change has taken place, we can feel confused and helpless.

Sexual desire for many people is ‘responsive’. This means it responds to different factors going on around them. These factors can be physical/biological, emotional/psychological or environmental/relational.

Let’s start with trying to understand what’s going on for your husband that has led to his low libido.

Common reasons that men lose their libido:

• Stress

• Depression

• Health issues

• Medication side effects

• Performance anxiety

• Relationship dissatisfaction

• Erectile challenges

• Hormonal issues

It’s often challenging for men to talk about the struggles they’re facing. Do you know if there’s anything going on for your partner that might have impacted his desire ?

It might also be worth your husband visiting a trusted and empathetic doctor to talk about the possible physical or psychological causes.

It might be worth your husband visiting a trusted and empathetic doctor. Picture: iStock

3. Take steps to meet both you needs for intimacy outside of sex

Having a strong relationship is an important foundation to build on sexual desire.

Research also shows us that a strong connection, where both partners feel loved, trusting, safe and playful with each other is one of the most important factors in having great sex over the long-term.

Are you still showing love and affection to each other indifferent ways? Are you having fun and being playful together? Are you having important conversations together and showing each other that you’re emotionally safe?

Are you having fun and being playful together? Picture: iStock

4. Take steps to rekindle sexual intimacy in ways that feel good for both of you

More Coverage

In long term relationships, sexual intimacy doesn’t always just happen by itself. The happiest couples in the bedroom make sex a priority and take practical steps to maintain that part of their relationship together.

You may need to have a conversation together and talk about what practical actions you can take, such as scheduling time for intimacy when he isn’t tired, or doing the things that are most likely to stoke his desire.

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sexologist, Sex Therapist and Lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.

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Understanding Fire and Rescue Service Practices Through Problems and Problem-Solving Networks: An Analysis of a Critical Incident

Open access
Published: 10 May 2024

Cite this article

You have full access to this open access article

Lotta Vylund ORCID: orcid.org/0000-0002-7222-798X 1 , 2 ,
Tove Frykmer ORCID: orcid.org/0000-0002-4122-8437 3 ,
Margaret McNamee 4 &
Kerstin Eriksson ORCID: orcid.org/0000-0002-0494-0089 1

This study explores how the Fire and Rescue Service can better prepare for solving complex problems in emergencies by using the concept of problems and problem-solving networks. Primary and secondary data from an extensive fire incident were analysed, including semi-structured interviews and incident assessment reports. Complex problems that arise during emergencies can be challenging to define, and solutions can be difficult to identify. However, this study demonstrates that breaking down complex problems into sub-problems can facilitate the identification of what kind of problem-solving network is needed to be able to solve problems in emergencies. Overall, this study contributes to a deeper understanding of the rationale behind problem-solving network in emergency situations and highlights the importance of relationships in problem-solving network to address complex problems during emergencies.

Avoid common mistakes on your manuscript.

1 Introduction

Emergency situations are often complex and dynamic events that require quick and effective responses to mitigate potential harm to individuals and societies. While many definitions of emergency exist (see e.g. [ 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 ]) in this paper we define emergency as situations characterised by a high level of uncertainty, unpredictability, and ambiguity. Under such conditions societal response challenges the ability of the Fire and Rescue Services (FRS), and other stakeholders, to solve the myriad of problems that can occur, e.g., fires, explosions, vehicle accidents, shootings. Problems that arise in emergencies often center around complex, or wicked, problems, i.e. those that are ambiguous, open-ended and, in some way, require the flexible adaptation of existing routines as part of their response [ 6 , 7 ]. These problems are difficult to define, and solutions can be hard to identify [ 8 , 9 ].

Solving complex problems requires a diversity of perspectives, skills, and knowledge and, therefore, a need for different emergency actors to come together and work towards a common goal [ 10 , 11 , 12 ]. This collaboration between emergency actors can be seen as taking place through networks, which can be helpful to quickly identify and access resources, share information, and coordinate efforts [ 13 , 14 , 15 , 16 , 17 , 18 , 19 ]. A network of inter-organisational relationships with the primary purpose of solving problems in a coordinated fashion can be defined as a Problem-Solving Network (PSN) [ 20 ]. Although previous studies have mentioned PSN, their usefulness in emergencies has only been briefly touched upon, as was confirmed by a search in the database Scopus. General research on emergency management networks describes a lack of knowledge of what the driving forces are behind network formation and development [ 15 ]. Therefore, studying the rationale behind the network formation and development can be important to fully understand the importance of PSN in emergencies and what drives the networks to form.

In this paper, the aim is to explore how problems and sub-problems can be used as a means to understand the rationale behind PSNs. Although complex problems present challenges in understanding and analysis, Head and Alford [ 6 ] posit that it is possible in most cases to break the complex problems down into sub-problems that could be easier to understand. The analysis of an emergency in terms of problems and sub-problems, and their associated PSN fits well with the idea of problem-solving in emergencies [ 21 ]. Further, such understanding can help the FRS to better prepare for complex problems by understanding what kind of sub-problems could be encountered and which network could or should be mobilised to solve those problems. In other words, we maintain that it is possible for the FRS to improve their ability to solve problems during incident response, by analysing and understanding how PSN are formed during specific events and learning from such analysis. To this end, we have performed a case study of a major explosion in Gothenburg, Sweden in 2021 [ 22 ]. The study involved identifying problems and sub-problems encountered during emergency response, along with the PSN formed around these sub-problems. To evaluate the incident and why the PSN was formed we have used a conceptual framework based on complexity theory.

2 Conceptual Framework

Problem-solving in emergencies are dependent on collective efforts where organisations need to work together to solve the problems that appear [ 10 , 11 , 21 , 23 ]. Similarly, Moynihan [ 13 ] argues that to identify and apply effective problem-solving when faced with complex problems, such as in emergencies, networks of actors may be required. There are many different ways to describe how actors collectively respond to problems in emergencies, e.g. through teamwork [ 24 , 25 ], interteam work [ 26 ], or social networks [ 16 ]. While teamwork is often discussed in terms of how two or more people cooperate, coordinate and communicate towards a common goal, network formation and development is often studied in wider terms drawing on organisational, contextual, inter-organisational or structural factors [ 15 ]. Collaborating in networks is a well-known feature in emergency management literature (see e.g. [ 13 , 14 , 27 ]). Milward and Provan [ 20 ] denote networks created to facilitate collective problem-solving in emergencies as Problem Solving Networks (PSN), which is at the centre of this paper.

To further understand how networks are formed and developed in emergencies, this paper focuses on networks which arise in direct response to the problems that are identified. They will therefore specifically be identified as PSN to differentiate them from networks which could exist to foster connections without the immediate desire to find solutions to specific problems. Milward and Provan [ 20 ] define a PSN as a set of interorganisational relationships that are shaped by an imminent problem that requires immediate attention and response. This paper has adapted this definition by including the interpretation that the purpose of the PSN is to solve a particular problem, which could be extinguishing a fire or rescuing people from a flooded area, and include components and relationships needed to find solutions to the problem at hand without limiting the network to only interorganisational relationships. In other words, we adopt a view that networks are connected to general system theory [ 28 ], where networks that solve a particular problem are interpreted as a collection of interconnected nodes that allow for the exchange, transfer, or flow of information, resources, or entities between the nodes. Nodes in this sense is not limited to people or organisations, instead it includes anything that could be a part of solving the problem at hand. Such PSNs could leverage existing professional networks or develop entirely new connections.

To better understand the rationale behind PSN formation and development in emergencies, this paper explores the concepts of problems and sub-problems. In much of the problem-solving literature, there is considerable agreement that a problem means that there is an undesirable current state, a desired future state with no direct, obvious way to move from the given state to the goal state [ 29 , 30 , 31 ].

In emergencies, problems often centre around complex problems. Also called wicked [ 32 ], ill-defined [ 33 , 34 ] or unstructured-unbounded [ 35 ]. These types of problems are ambiguous, unconstrained and there are no objective solutions to be found. Current states and goal states are difficult to define, and, in fact, whether there is a problem or not is highly subjective [ 8 , 9 ], and how to reach the goal might not be agreed upon [ 36 ]. In addition, these types of problems cannot be separated from the environment, i.e., they are difficult to place boundaries around, and they appear to have an infinite number of solutions, where one often has to make to with a “good enough” solution.

How humans solve problems has been the subject of lively debate and there are many ways to present the diverse area of problem-solving. A related concept to problem-solving is decision-making and, frequently, the different terms are used interchangeably [ 37 , 38 , 39 ]. Theories related to decision making are important to understanding problem-solving. For example, the Recognition Primed Decision model [ 40 ] or the simplification of cognitive processes through the use of heuristics (see e.g. [ 41 , 42 , 43 ]) are used to understand problem-solving in the FRS. However, these theories are used to understand individual processes and actions whereas the focus in this paper is on collective problem-solving within a network context. In this paper, problem-solving is viewed as a search process using actions to reduce or eliminate the difference between the goal state and the undesired current state [ 30 , 44 ]. This search process can be illustrated through Newell and Simon [ 30 ] problem space , see Fig. 1 . Here, the nodes represent the current state, the goal state, and possible solution steps along the way. There may be several ways to reach the goal state and selecting a suitable strategy is crucial.

The problem space with the current state, goal state, possible solution steps and the selected strategy. Based on Newell and Simon [ 30 ]

During an emergency, at a given moment in time, some problems are known, and some can be envisaged as possible future problems. New problems, foreseen or unforeseen, appear over time. The situation resembles a dynamic system of problems, similar to Ackoff [ 45 ] messes , i.e., situations consisting of complex systems of problems that are changing and interacting with each other and are difficult to define. These complex systems demonstrate characteristics such as non-linear interactions, openness to the surrounding and internal adaptiveness, and the system as a whole cannot be understood entirely by looking at its parts in isolation [ 46 , 47 ]. Despite this latter aspect, in emergencies where important values are at stake and there is a need for swift action, it can nevertheless be useful to analyse the present situation by help of the perspective of sub-problems [ 6 ]. Here, we acknowledge the risk of losing the holistic understanding of the situation, but we view the breakdown of complex problems into sub-problems as a necessary first step in dealing with a complex emergency situation.

Figure 2 illustrates the perspective of a complex system of problems in emergencies, using Newell and Simon’s problem space [ 30 ]. The emergency event represents the main problem, which is the reason for the responding actors to be active in the first place. Within the main problem are sub-problems, some of which are known, and some are future, potential problems that may appear. Sub-problems and future, potential problems must often be solved before progress can be made toward the main problem's goal state. Distinguishing one solution strategy from another is virtually impossible due to the non-linear interactions between problems and the dynamic properties of the system. This means that it is possible to identify numerous possible sub-problems, and the strategy for moving between them, as well as towards the main goal state, will vary depending on the participants in the process and the situation itself.

Illustration of the problem space as containing main problem and sub-problems in emergencies (adapted from Newell & Simon [ 30 ])

Using the concepts of problem space explained above, we investigate the rationale behind PSN formation and development, by applying the Complexity Framework brought forward by Bergström et al. [ 48 ]. The framework facilitates an analysis of the complex combination of components needed to address problem-solving in emergency management by systematically exploring sub-problems, components and activities that are needed to find solutions to the problems at hand.

Originally brought forward for studying how emergency response systems achieve direction and coordination, the framework presents how a complex understanding of emergency response management can be generated. The framework is rooted in Cilliers’ approach to complexity [ 47 ] which implies the need to analyse multiple interpretations of complex systems, make transparent analytical choices, and be modest by making clear that additional interpretations will always be possible. The framework is based on constructing multiple system interpretations where each interpretation is based on analytical choices according to three system aspects: dimension, scope and resolution.

System dimension refers to the types of components the system comprises and the types of relationships that bind these components together. Components are, for example, humans, artefacts or functions. Relationships could be, e.g., a flow of information or resources, power, or trust. System scope represents the boundary around what components and relationships that are to be included in the interpretation. It usually represents a spatial or functional/organisational delineation, for example, humans present in a certain geographical area, or in a specific organisation. In this study, scope denotes relevant problems that the FRS is trying to solve during a response operation. This will be further described in the data analysis section. System resolution concerns the level of detail at which the components of the system are observed, e.g., at single, group or organisational level. A high degree of detail means high system resolution and vice versa.

3 Methodology

Identification of problems, sub-problems and PSN is based on analysis of a single case study [ 49 ] of a large-scale incident which occurred in Gothenburg, Sweden in 2021. This section presents the methodology in more detail as a backdrop for the later analysis of both primary and secondary data sources.

The primary data consisted of semi-structured interviews with nine interview participants, see Table 1 . The focus of the study was on the FRS and how they collaborate in a wider PSN to solve problems, i.e., the sample was chosen to get the FRS perspective. The single non-FRS participant was from the insurance industry, but this participant had extensive experience of the FRS having worked for over 20 years in the FRS.

The sampling procedure started with identifying persons in the FRS who were involved in the incident in a variety of ways based on a combination of the following:

Recommendations from the FRS accident investigators,

Recommendations from those involved in initial interviews, and

Availability to participate in the interviews.

The secondary data used in this study included the incident assessment report created on behalf of the Swedish Civil Contingencies Agency (MSB) [ 22 ], the local FRS assessment report [ 50 ], an educational video developed by MSB [ 51 ], and various media articles. See Table 1 for a summary of primary and secondary data used to develop the empirical data for analysis.

3.2 Data Collection

An interview guide was created for the semi-structured interviews, see supplementary material file 1. All individuals identified for interviews were contacted, received information about the study and, after informed consent, were given the opportunity to participate in an interview. Two researchers participated in each interview; the first author was present in all interviews while one of the other authors was an observer. The observer was specifically given the opportunity to ask follow-up questions that the primary interviewer may have missed at the end of each interview. All interviews were conducted in a hybrid setting where the person leading the interview was in-person and the observer was virtual. The interviews were all conducted over approximately 1 h. All interviews were transcribed. All interviews were confidential, and handling of personal details was in accordance with Lund University and RISE Research Institutes of Sweden policy for personal data handling.

3.3 Data Analysis

The primary and secondary data collected as part of this study were analysed using the perspective of the problem space, including identification of the main problem and sub-problems, and application of the complexity framework described in Sect. 2. A PSN was defined as a network that arose in direct response to identified problems [ 20 ]. Breaking the main problem into sub-problems was viewed as a first step in dealing with this complex system of problems. Therefore, when analysing the rationale behind PSN using the complexity framework, we defined the scope in terms of what sub-problems were to be solved during the response operation (main problem). Thereby, the analytic boundary was drawn around what components and relationships were involved in solving those sub-problems (defined as dimension in the complexity framework), and the corresponding level of analysis (defined as resolution in the complexity framework). Consequently, the data were entered into NVivo 12 and coded according to the sub-problems ( scope ) together with relationships ( dimensions ) and a chosen level of detail ( resolution ).

During this coding process, two of the authors coded a small number of interviews independently and then compared their coding to ensure that these were similar. After this comparison the first author conducted the remaining coding independently while the analysis involved all authors. To gain a deeper understanding of the selected case study, secondary data was identified and included in NVivo for coding in the same way as the interview material. The results of the coding were discussed between the authors until agreement concerning the interpretation of the data was reached. Illuminating quotes are presented to clarify how the empirical data supports the results. Note that all quotes have been translated from Swedish to English by the authors.

4 Case Description

In the early morning of September 28, 2021, an explosion occurred in an apartment building in central Gothenburg, resulting in a fire with extensive smoke spread [ 22 ]. Gothenburg is the second largest city in Sweden and their FRS is a local federation which, in 2021, included six municipalities over the region surrounding Gothenburg. The area encompassed around 850 000 residents and had a total area of 3300 square kilometres [ 52 ].

In the part of the city where the explosion occurred, most buildings contain private residences (apartments) in the upper floors, with different types of businesses in the lower floors. The explosion occurred in the basement and was so powerful that several fire cell boundaries were compromised, and entrance doors were pushed out by the pressure wave, which allowed the fire smoke to be dispersed throughout almost the whole building. The potential threat to building stability resulting from the explosion was quickly disregarded because the building was deemed capable of withstanding this type of explosions. Additionally, the risk of subsequent explosions was thought minimal, leading the FRS to immediately commence evacuation and firefighting efforts. An illustration of the affected building is given in Fig. 3 .

Conceptual illustration of the affected building

A large number of units from the FRS were called to the scene Upon arrival the FRS observed smoke from windows and balcony doors of various apartments, and about fifty people calling for help. The initial evacuation of approximately 60 apartments was carried out from the courtyard side of the building, during the first two hours. In all, three stairwells and associated apartments were affected. One person died due to injuries resulting from the fire and several people had to be taken to hospital for observation. All injured were removed from the scene by ambulance or bus. Residents who were evacuated but not injured, were referred to the nearby church where additional practical help was available, e.g. insurance company contacts, social support and sustenance [ 22 ].

The smoke dispersing in the building lead to the initial assessment that multiple fires had broken out and fire identification and firefighting was carried out during the first two hours on both sides of the building, but after the initial evacuation was completed, these activities were intensified at the front side of the building. Almost four hours into the incident response, the FRS realised that the explosion had compromised the fire cell boundaries, and that smoke was crossing these boundaries causing them to initially overestimate the number of individual fires distributed throughout the building. The seat of the fire could ultimately be localised to the storage room in the basement, although the fire had also spread to an adjacent store on the same floor. In the afternoon, the fire was under control, and approximately 24h hours after the explosion, the rescue operation was ended [ 22 ]. The approximate timeline of the event is shown in Fig. 4 , focusing on the first hours of the incident. Apart from evacuation, identification of the fire and fighting the fire, other problems of a more indirect nature included, e.g. traffic congestion due to the building's central location in the city and anxiety among the public, resulting in an inflow of media requests to the FRS [ 22 ].

Approximate timeline of event from start of the incident at approximately 5 am day 1 to end of operations at approximately 11 am day 2. The start and close are from the FRS perspective

5 Results and Analysis

To understand the rationale behind PSN from an FRS perspective, the conceptual framework described above, including the concept of problem space and the complexity framework, was applied to the case. Relevant sub-problems were identified for analysis (see Sect. 5.1). Thereafter, the resulting PSN were developed for each selected sub-problem.

5.1 Sub-Problems Used to Analyse PSN

Upon arrival, the FRS identified the current state of the main problem as a burning building with residents in danger, and the goal state as having extinguished the fire and ensured the safety of the residents [ 22 ].

Beyond the main problem, the data revealed a complex system of problems that could be further defined through different sub-problems. Respondents described the situation as complex due to the building construction and location in the central city. They further described the situation as chaotic and dramatic due to the large number of residents in need of evacuation and expressed that this incident was different from other incidents that they had encountered due to its chaotic nature and complexity. Due to the extensive resource demand, the respondents described problems of handling the personnel management both on site and in terms of being prepared for other incidents. The chaotic situation also created problems in understanding the situation, both on site and in the command centre. Handling documentation was also described as a problem, along with concerns regarding building stability, informing other actors and taking care of residents after the evacuation. These aspects were described by several respondents as well as in incident reports [ 22 , 50 ]. The main problem and examples of sub-problems from the FRS perspective is illustrated in Fig. 5 using the concept of problem space previously presented. Potential dependencies between the difference sub-problems have not been investigated in this paper.

The main problem and example of sub-problems as revealed in the data

Despite the complexity of the situation, data indicated that the focus of the FRS was initially on the evacuation of residents and locating the seat of the fire. Therefore, these two sub-problems were chosen for further analysis in terms of which PSN were formed to solve these problems. Connected to the complexity framework, these sub-problems make up the scope of the two analytic interpretations. These scopes, together with relevant dimension and resolution (see Sect. 5.2 and 5.3), are summarised in Table 2 .

5.2 The PSN for Initial Evacuation of Residents

The FRS prioritised the initial evacuation of approximately 60 apartments across three stairwells during the first two hours of the incident. All injured residents were taken from the scene by ambulance or bus, while uninjured residents were directed to a nearby church where their needs were addressed [ 22 ]. The PSN which formed to deal with the initial evacuation is illustrated in Fig. 6 . Applying the complexity framework, this PSN consists of humans connected by relationships of coordination and different kinds of support (dimension). The resolution is on group level to illustrate that actions from the FRS, police, ambulance, and residents were executed in teams.

SN for the initial evacuation of residents. Red colour symbolizes the groups from FRS

The evacuation activities were mainly performed by four fire teams, as shown in the middle of Fig. 6 . The relationship between these fire teams concerns coordination of activities. In terms of relationships of support, the Incident Command relieved the fire teams by undertaking tasks of a more comprehensive nature, such as overall organisation and information to other actors [ 22 ]. At the same time, however, one respondent from a fire team mentioned that “ [The Incident Command] became very absent in relation to what we are used to [in this type of incident]. Therefore, there was some form of self-organisation at the scene .” Thus, in a sense, the four fire teams acted as one unit, which is why they are depicted with a dashed circle surrounding them.

The relationship of support between the fire teams and the other groups is demonstrated by the ambulance teams taking care of first aid and transportation of injured residents to local hospitals; police teams registering and redirecting residents after evacuation, provided they did not need medical assistance. These types of support allowed the fire teams to focus on searching the apartments rather than taking care of residents after evacuation. This means that the skill sets of the various organisations could be applied to solving problems for their particular skill sets. The fire teams were further supported by support personnel from FRS responsible for logistical matters such as equipment and water [ 22 ]. In addition to professional first responders, especially in the start-up phase, two residents offered support by providing their knowledge of the building, including familiarity with the building layout and keys to unlock gates blocking the passage to the building entrance. One of these residents (an off-duty firefighter) also spoke to residents on balconies to prevent them from jumping [ 53 ].

The FRS and the other first responders (police and ambulance) encountered a, for them, clear and known problem (apartment fires are common incidents). In some respect, the FRS fell into habitual patterns [ 22 ] as exemplified by one respondent: “ … what experience do we have? So, references around past events are a big part of my thinking ”. The fact that the residents were standing on their balconies surrounded by smoke made it clear to the FRS that the most urgent problem was evacuation, and it was also clear which resources were needed to solve this problem. As one respondent stated “ It was quite obvious. It's so clear that lifesaving is our priority ”. Similarly, one respondent identified the most important supporting partners by stating “ I want the police's support here with parts of evacuation and registration of it. And ambulance is very important here…[taking care of injured residents] ”. Previous experiences between the FRS, police and ambulance teams enabled the team members to comprehend each other's roles and responsibilities, facilitating the formation of the PSN. This is also described by one respondent as a capability of the PSN members to identify the right context for each actor in a particular moment.

On the other hand, while evacuation is something the FRS train for and are experienced with, the situation was nevertheless perceived as different from what they typically deal with, as exemplified by one of the respondents “ In this case, the conditions for self-evacuation were eliminated and the situation was overwhelming for both the residents and for us at the same time ”. Therefore, the outcome was a shift towards a PSN with self-organisation among the fire teams, as opposed to the traditional hierarchical command structure with the Incident Command at the top. One team member experienced that they had to establish a more comprehensive level of communication between themselves compared to in other incidents. In other words, they needed to work as a team of teams rather than as individual teams. This resulted in fire team members experiencing a PSN that was larger than usual and required more collaboration on the part of team leaders. The respondent described that the team leaders needed to take control of on-site activities without waiting for instructions from the Incident Commander. It was also mentioned that this self-organisation between the fire teams was a result of previous training with the police. One firefighter involved in the incident, who was not interviewed in this study, expressed this in an educational video that was developed after the fire [ 51 ]: “ … education has given us the ability to work independently, you understand that you need to make many decisions yourself [and not wait for instructions from a higher Incident Commander] ”.

Despite the unique scale of the incident, as described both in primary and secondary data, it could be noted that the Incident Command had confidence in the fire teams’ abilities to autonomously manage the on-site operations and that detailed management was neither necessary nor desirable. This assessment is reinforced by another respondent who noted that " In this context, if there had been detailed management, top management, central management, then it would have been very unfortunate. Here, it is important to have control over the right things further up”. The MSB incident report [ 22 ] established that there was an insufficient number of firefighters involved in the initial evacuation. Despite the Fire Chief's communication to the on-site Incident Commander that additional resources were available to assist the teams, it was not perceived that additional resources were needed, leading to a shared perception among the fire teams on-site in the courtyard that no further assistance could be expected. Therefore, the PSN was not developed further even if there was a need for it.

5.3 PSN for Locating the Fire

Locating the seat of the fire is a crucial prerequisite for effective suppression by the FRS. In this case, the fire was caused by an explosion in the basement and during the whole incident the fire was mainly contained within the basement and an adjacent store. However, the process of locating the fire was problematic due to two reasons, leading to a delay of almost four hours before the FRS could understand where the fire was and how it was developing. Firstly, FRS needed to prioritise evacuation of residents in the initial stages of the response and could not focus on locating the fire. Secondly, the explosion that caused the fire breached multiple fire cell boundaries which resulted in the dispersion of smoke throughout almost the entire building. This ultimately lead to the perception of multiple fires and, therefore, the FRS searched for several fires in different locations in the building [ 22 ]. Figure 7 present a visual representation of the proposed PSN that emerged to solve the problem of locating the fire. This PSN consists of both artefacts, i.e., floorplans and smoke emerging from the building, and humans, i.e., fire teams, residents, representatives from businesses and the building owner as components, connected by relationships of information flow. The resolution is both at single and group level as the actions needed to solve the problem involve both single components and groups of components.

PSN for locating the fire. Red colour symbolizes components connected to the FRS

Locating the fire was centred around the Incident Command which was responsible for the overall situation understanding and for coordinating the FRS overall response [ 22 ]. The figure indicates two important processes where the Incident Command needed to create a flow of information between different components (both artefacts and humans) in order to solve the problem of locating the fire. The two processes were to locate the fire by dispatching fire teams to report on potential fire locations and contacting different actors to gather information about the building [ 22 ].

Finding information about the building is one process which is shown in the upper part of Fig. 7 . This included different components e.g., the FRS command centre, with help from the municipality, provided information about the building layout by finding technical drawings. The property owner, found through the insurance representative, was able to provide further insights regarding the building layout. Moreover, since the building had undergone renovation, it was imperative to contact the relevant parties involved in the renovation process for input on changes relative to the technical drawings [ 22 ].

The lower part in Fig. 7 shows the other process, where the information flow included evaluating each presumed location of the fire within the building. First, smoke was observed emanating from multiple apartments in the courtyard side of the building. Although the primary focus for the fire teams was on initial evacuation, they also attempted to locate the source of the fire in the apartments. The dashed line in Fig. 7 illustrates the lack of information between Incident Command on the front side and the fire teams in the courtyard as exemplified by one respondent “ We had no idea there was a fire on the front side…We wondered why our extinction efforts didn’t have expected effect…It was the lack of this information [that it was a fire in the basement] that would have been of value to us .”

Early in the incident, a crackling sound was identified from the basement by a person walking by (named individual in the figure), and a fire team was sent to evaluate the sound. The fire team found a fire in the basement but was unable to extinguish it. Later, a person in the Incident Command observed smoke from a store located next to the basement. Subsequently, a fire team was dispatched to the location, whereupon they successfully located that the fire in the basement had spread to this location. After a couple of hours into the incident, the Incident Commander discovered smoke from the roof which prompted the FRS to prepare for a possible attic fire, but this risk was soon dismissed due to effective communication between the UAV (Unmanned Aerial Vehicle), fire teams and Incident Command [ 22 ].

The PSN developed to locate the assumed fires was formed because of the need to obtain a better understanding of the unusual smoke dispersion and the complicated building layout. Although the incident was atypical and did not conform to previously encountered scenarios [ 22 ], the Incident Command handled the incident as usual and predicted that where there is smoke, there should be a fire. Two respondents sum this up well: “ it seemed that there were several apartment fires going on together with maybe some type of fire in the basement so that you are very focused on finding these apartment fires at the beginning then. But then after a while you realise that you are inside these apartments and there is no fire but just smoke from somewhere else… ” and, “ the whole house was leaking smoke in a way that it normally shouldn't ”. The complicated building layout is exemplified by the following quote: “ It's a tricky building… If it had been a normal Swedish apartment building with three staircases and four floors, that we could have run around with ease, then we would have understood the incident almost immediately ”.

This PSN indicates that artifacts can be integral components and can have an impact on the problem-solving process. It seems especially important to obtain an understanding of the building through visual observations, which include on-site inspections and the examination of the building layout and UAV images. Furthermore, the visual dispersion of smoke played a critical role in shaping the network, as shown by the network's formation.

The rationale behind this PSN could be a case of how the FRS try to solve problems by focusing on different sub-problems in both time and space. One respondent describes this way of working through: “ I fly with a drone in my head, I zoom in to the firefighter to think about whether they have the right conditions at the sharp end, then I zoom back and zoom in on Incident Command if they have the capacity, then I zoom out further to see which other actors we have. Then I jump forward in time and think about what it looks like if we continue with the same tactics and what it looks like if we were to do nothing ”.

6 Discussion

This section discusses how the conceptual framework can be used to understand the rationale behind PSN and how the use of evaluating FRS practice from the perspective of problems and PSN better can help FRS to prepare for solving complex problems in emergencies.

6.1 Using the Concept of Problem Space to Understand the Rationale Behind PSN

The purpose of a PSN is to solve a particular problem. In this paper, we have shown that the FRS develop PSN by breaking down complex problems into manageable sub-problems. In these sub-problems, components and relationships within the PSN can be found more easily. Dividing complex problems into sub-problems is a way to match the situation to previous experience and to more easily identify which actions to take. Actions in this context can be interpreted as the FRS searching for which resources (or components in the network) are needed to solve the problem. Our results indicate that the matching with previous experience [ 54 ] will affect the formation and development of PSN, e.g. in the context of locating the fire where the layout of the building and the dispersion of smoke presented a challenge. The Incident Command created a PSN by dividing the problem into several known sub-problem, finding resources that could assist in understanding the building layout and sending resources to investigate each location emitting smoke. This is consistent with previous studies where it is argued that it is possible to divide complex problems into more manageable sub-problems [ 6 ] and manage the sub-problems through sub-networks that operate within the larger response network [ 13 , 16 , 55 ]. Even though the initial interpretation of the fire location was incorrect, the use of sub-problems allowed the ultimate outcome of the fire location.

6.2 The Rationale for PSN Formation and Development Exists in Relationships Between Components

The results indicate that the rationale behind the PSN could not be found in the main problem itself, nor the sub-problems per se, but rather in the relationships which contribute to the process of using actions to reduce or eliminate the difference between the current state and goal state. For instance, in the context of the initial evacuation, a clear problem for those directly involved, and the corresponding PSN, was developed based on previous experience. The fire team knew which support they needed and the PSN was formed around the relationships associated with this support. Similarly, the need for coordinated actions between the fire team and the lack of support from the Incident Command shaped the PSN, with the relationship of coordination between the fire teams and surrounding support functions at the heart of the PSN formation. In the context of locating the fire, the incident command function needed different types of information to understand the fire behaviour within the building. This in turn led to the creation of the PSN for the purpose of gathering information, thereby establishing relationships of information flows between different components. An understanding of network relationships can be beneficial to FRS organisations, as it enables them to identify the key actors to approach for information, personnel support, and collaboration on tasks [ 15 ].

6.3 The Practical Contributions of this Study

The main practical contribution of the present study is the application of the conceptual framework in the context of learning from incidents.

When it comes to learning from incidents, Frykmer [ 23 ] has noted that emergency evaluations often lead to conclusions that are too broad or general to be readily operationalised. Conversely, by applying the conceptual framework in this study and zooming in on different sub-problems in an incident, organisations can identify important components and types of relationships needed to solve the problems and use this as an input to their learning process. The learning outcome from this incident can be summarized in four main lessons learned:

Breaking down a complex problem into more manageable sub-problems makes the problem clear and easier to identify which resources are needed to solve the problem in hand. A downside of this approach is potentially the risk of losing the overall holistic understanding of the situation, as illustrated by the initial inability of the FRS to locate the fire. The perception of multiple fires was a result of incorrectly decomposing the main problem into (incorrect) sub-problems. This identifies the value of experienced FRS personnel with the ability to quickly reanalyse and redraft their understanding of a given situation .

Informal contacts are important to be able to solve problems at the scene of an accident. This is exemplified by the support provided by the local resident with firefighting experience and local knowledge of the building and the building owner providing timely structural drawings of the building. Not all buildings have a resident firefighter but building owners can provide detailed building specific information on short notice. Establishing contacts between the FRS and such stakeholders provides significant support as part of a PSN.

Comprehension of different roles and responsibilities facilitates rapid problem-solving. This is illustrated in the initial evacuation where established routines and contacts between the FRS, police and ambulance personnel facilitated rapid deployment of the PSN and effective evacuation of all residents. This emphasizes the importance of continuous networking and common professional terminology.

Problem solving is not only affected by the people and organisations involved in the incident, but artifacts are also an integral component of the PSN.

This is illustrated in the case of locating the fire where artifacts such as building drawings affected how the problems was ultimately identified and solved. This emphasizes the need to train FRS to include such artifacts in their PSN.

By identifying relationships and components needed to solve problems, the FRS could plan and exercise for important components for problem-solving during emergencies [ 13 ]. Using the relevant sub-problems to determine related parameters based on the chosen scope, dimension and resolution [ 48 ] can improve the learning potential in an exercise [ 56 ]. This approach could also assist the FRS in managing relationships as vital resources, and better comprehending the efficacy of different relationships in addressing emergency challenges [ 15 ].

6.4 The Theoretical Contributions of this Study

This study contains several theoretical contributions. First, we have addressed the call for more knowledge of what lies in the relationships within a network (as presented in Hu, Yeo [ 15 ]). We see the relationships within a PSN as tools for reducing or eliminating the difference between the current state and goal state [ 30 , 44 ]. For example, this study has illustrated that the relationships can consist of different types of support, information flow and coordination, that are used to solve the specific problems.

Second, we have contributed to the literature on PSN, as exemplified with Milward and Provan [ 20 ]. We argue that it is not only inter-organisational relationships that could explain the rationale behind PSN (as in the current definition by Milward and Provan [ 20 ]) instead we should include all components and relationships that affect the process of finding a solution to the sub-problem. To obtain a better understanding of the purpose of a PSN in emergencies, we suggest that the definition of a PSN is expanded to include not only organisations and humans within organisations, but also different artifacts relevant for reducing the difference between the current state and the goal state.

Third, the study contributes to developing the complexity framework by Bergström et al. [ 48 ] We believe that the framework can be expanded to incorporate multiple levels of resolution within the same scope, such as components on single and group level. For example, the resolution needed for analysing the PSN in the case of locating the fire contained system components at both single and group level to ensure that interactions between the Incident Command and various components could be captured. The study has also introduced an additional view on scope that can be applied in the framework; that of problems and sub-problems.

6.5 Reflecting on the Research Quality

The perception of a given situation or circumstance can vary widely between individuals due to their unique experiences, biases or role in a specific emergency situation. This implies that what one individual considers to be a problem, another may not [ 8 , 9 ]. Therefore, the problems identified in this study would most likely have been impacted if more or other respondents had been interviewed.

Moreover, it should be noted that the PSN depicted in this study constitutes a condensed representation. The dynamic nature of a PSN implies that its configuration is in a constant state of change, and a particular representation of the PSN is only applicable within specific temporal and spatial limitations [ 48 ], which is a limitation in our study.

In our work, we used two different interpretations of sub-problems. We acknowledge that there will always be additional interpretations. We however maintain that these interpretations captured the most important sub-problems perceived by the respondents and were thus the main problems to cover.

Last, our findings are based on a single case. While the findings may not be directly generalisable, they have contributed valuable insight into how the conceptual framework can be used to gain a more comprehensive understanding of FRS practices through problems and problem-solving networks.

6.6 Further Research

Collaboration in networks has been widely investigated by numerous researchers (e.g., [ 13 , 14 , 15 , 16 , 17 , 18 ]. In this paper, we have taken a first step of going beyond collaboration relationships in networks. Our study can be seen as a first step towards developing a better understanding of what network relationships actually mean in problem solving networks. This is relevant for other kinds of network research as previously stated by Hu et al. [ 15 ]. Further research could focus on the deeper understanding of the constituents of the relationships, to gain a more profound understanding of the rationale behind the PSN.

In this paper, we have seen how PSN are formed by both formal and informal relationships between the components. Examples are formal relationships between the FRS and other first responders and informal relationships between the fire teams and the off-duty firefighter in the case of initial evacuation. Further research could be conducted to examine whether PSN exhibit formal or informal characteristics. Such research would serve to evaluate the significance of formal organisational structures or prior experience in shaping effective incident management practices.

Finally, investigating the dynamic nature of PSN can provide important insight into how these networks develop over time. Such insight can, for example, be useful for understanding which components and relationships might be valuable at what time during an emergency, to further improve the solving of complex problems in this context.

7 Conclusions

This study has explored the rationale behind problem-solving networks (PSN) in emergency management and how these networks are developed in relation to complex problems that arise in an emergency. It has focused on the FRS and their role in a PSN relative to other actors. The findings indicate that the FRS practice could be understood as breaking down complex problems into manageable sub-problems, which facilitate the identification of components and relationships needed within the PSN. Components includes both people, organisations and artifacts and both formal and informal relationships is important to be able to solve problems at the scene of an accident. Accordingly, the rationale behind PSN in emergencies lies in the relationships that contribute to solve the sub-problems. The conceptual framework used in this paper can assist the FRS in effectively preparing for future complex problems in emergencies by identifying the essential components and relationships required in the PSN to transition from the current state to the goal state of the present complex system of problems.

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Acknowledgements

The research for this paper was financially supported by NordForsk within the project Nordic Fire and Rescue Services in the Twenty First Century, No. 97830.

Open access funding provided by RISE Research Institutes of Sweden.

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Lotta Vylund & Kerstin Eriksson

Greater Gothenburg Fire and Rescue Service, Goteburg, Sweden

Lotta Vylund

Division of Risk Management and Societal Safety, Lund University, Lund, Sweden

Tove Frykmer

Division of Fire Safety Engineering, Lund University, Lund, Sweden

Margaret McNamee

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All authors contributed to the study conception and design. LV was responsible for the data collection and coding of the data. TF was responsible for the conceptual framework. The analysis was performed by LV, TF, MM and KE. LV wrote the first draft and all authors contributed to the development of the final manuscript for submission.

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Interview guide

The interview guide that was created for the semi-structured interviews is presented below. Note that the questions have been translated from Swedish to English by the authors.

Could you describe the response to the explosion in Gothenburg in 2021

In what way were you involved in the incident?

What needs could you identify in the accident?

How did you identify the needs?

What did you need to understand what had happened and what was about to happen?

How did you identify what actions were needed to meet the identified needs?

Are there any aids that were most important to you in dealing with this accident? What would happen if you didn't have access to these?

How has your organization prepared for this type of event? For example. emergency plans/instructions/practices/resources/materials etc.?

With the experiences from the accident that you have today, would you have done anything differently? Would you have prepared differently?

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Vylund, L., Frykmer, T., McNamee, M. et al. Understanding Fire and Rescue Service Practices Through Problems and Problem-Solving Networks: An Analysis of a Critical Incident. Fire Technol (2024). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10694-024-01582-0

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A Plan to Remake the Middle East

While talks for a cease-fire between israel and hamas continue, another set of negotiations is happening behind the scenes..

This transcript was created using speech recognition software. While it has been reviewed by human transcribers, it may contain errors. Please review the episode audio before quoting from this transcript and email [email protected] with any questions.

From New York Times, I’m Michael Barbaro. This is The Daily.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

Today, if and when Israel and Hamas reach a deal for a ceasefire fire, the United States will immediately turn to a different set of negotiations over a grand diplomatic bargain that it believes could rebuild Gaza and remake the Middle East. My colleague Michael Crowley has been reporting on that plan and explains why those involved in it believe they have so little time left to get it done.

It’s Wednesday, May 8.

Michael, I want to start with what feels like a pretty dizzying set of developments in this conflict over the past few days. Just walk us through them?

Well, over the weekend, there was an intense round of negotiations in an effort, backed by the United States, to reach a ceasefire in the Gaza war.

The latest ceasefire proposal would reportedly see as many as 33 Israeli hostages released in exchange for potentially hundreds of Palestinian prisoners.

US officials were very eager to get this deal.

Pressure for a ceasefire has been building ahead of a threatened Israeli assault on Rafah.

Because Israel has been threatening a military offensive in the Southern Palestinian city of Rafah, where a huge number of people are crowded.

Fleeing the violence to the North. And now they’re packed into Rafah. Exposed and vulnerable, they need to be protected.

And the US says it would be a humanitarian catastrophe on top of the emergency that’s already underway.

Breaking news this hour — very important breaking news. An official Hamas source has told The BBC that it does accept a proposal for a ceasefire deal in Gaza.

And for a few hours on Monday, it looked like there might have been a major breakthrough when Hamas put out a statement saying that it had accepted a negotiating proposal.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu says the ceasefire proposal does not meet his country’s requirements. But Netanyahu says he will send a delegation of mediators to continue those talks. Now, the terms —

But those hopes were dashed pretty quickly when the Israelis took a look at what Hamas was saying and said that it was not a proposal that they had agreed to. It had been modified.

And overnight —

Israeli troops stormed into Rafah. Video showing tanks crashing over a sign at the entrance of the city.

— the Israelis launched a partial invasion of Rafah.

It says Hamas used the area to launch a deadly attack on Israeli troops over the weekend.

And they have now secured a border crossing at the Southern end of Gaza and are conducting targeted strikes. This is not yet the full scale invasion that President Biden has adamantly warned Israel against undertaking, but it is an escalation by Israel.

So while all that drama might suggest that these talks are in big trouble, these talks are very much still alive and ongoing and there is still a possibility of a ceasefire deal.

And the reason that’s so important is not just to stop the fighting in Gaza and relieve the suffering there, but a ceasefire also opens the door to a grand diplomatic bargain, one that involves Israel and its Arab neighbors and the Palestinians, and would have very far-reaching implications.

And what is that grand bargain. Describe what you’re talking about?

Well, it’s incredibly ambitious. It would reshape Israel’s relationship with its Arab neighbors, principally Saudi Arabia. But it’s important to understand that this is a vision that has actually been around since well before October 7. This was a diplomatic project that President Biden had been investing in and negotiating actually in a very real and tangible way long before the Hamas attacks and the Gaza war.

And President Biden was looking to build on something that President Trump had done, which was a series of agreements that the Trump administration struck in which Israel and some of its Arab neighbors agreed to have normal diplomatic relations for the first time.

Right, they’re called the Abraham Accords.

That’s right. And, you know, Biden doesn’t like a lot of things, most things that Trump did. But he actually likes this, because the idea is that they contribute to stability and economic integration in the Middle East, the US likes Israel having friends and likes having a tight-knit alliance against Iran.

President Biden agrees with the Saudis and with the Israelis, that Iran is really the top threat to everybody here. So, how can you build on this? How can you expand it? Well, the next and biggest step would be normalizing relations between Israel and Saudi Arabia.

And the Saudis have made clear that they want to do this and that they’re ready to do this. They weren’t ready to do it in the Trump years. But Mohammed bin Salman, the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, has made clear he wants to do it now.

So this kind of triangular deal began to take shape before October 7, in which the US, Israel, and Saudi Arabia would enter this three way agreement in which everyone would get something that they wanted.

And just walk through what each side gets in this pre-October 7th version of these negotiations?

So for Israel, you get normalized ties with its most important Arab neighbor and really the country that sets the tone for the whole Muslim world, which is Saudi Arabia of course. It makes Israel feel safer and more secure. Again, it helps to build this alliance against Iran, which Israel considers its greatest threat, and it comes with benefits like economic ties and travel and tourism. And Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has been very open, at least before October 7th, that this was his highest diplomatic and foreign policy priority.

For the Saudis, the rationale is similar when it comes to Israel. They think that it will bring stability. They like having a more explicitly close ally against Iran. There are economic and cultural benefits. Saudi Arabia is opening itself up in general, encouraging more tourism.

But I think that what’s most important to the Crown Prince, Mohammed bin Salman, is what he can get from the United States. And what he has been asking for are a couple of essential things. One is a security agreement whose details have always been a little bit vague, but I think essentially come down to reliable arms supplies from the United States that are not going to be cut off or paused on a whim, as he felt happened when President Biden stopped arms deliveries in 2021 because of how Saudi was conducting its war in Yemen. The Saudis were furious about that.

Saudi Arabia also wants to start a domestic nuclear power program. They are planning for a very long-term future, possibly a post-oil future. And they need help getting a nuclear program off the ground.

And they want that from the US?

And they want that from the US.

Now, those are big asks from the us. But from the perspective of President Biden, there are some really enticing things about this possible agreement. One is that it will hopefully produce more stability in the region. Again, the US likes having a tight-knit alliance against Iran.

The US also wants to have a strong relationship with Saudi Arabia. You know, despite the anger at Mohammed bin Salman over the murder of the Saudi dissident Jamal Khashoggi, the Biden administration recognizes that given the Saudis control over global oil production and their strategic importance in the Middle East, they need to have a good relationship with them. And the administration has been worried about the influence of China in the region and with the Saudis in particular.

So this is an opportunity for the US to draw the Saudis closer. Whatever our moral qualms might be about bin Salman and the Saudi government, this is an opportunity to bring the Saudis closer, which is something the Biden administration sees as a strategic benefit.

All three of these countries — big, disparate countries that normally don’t see eye-to-eye, this was a win-win-win on a military, economic, and strategic front.

That’s right. But there was one important actor in the region that did not see itself as winning, and that was the Palestinians.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

First, it’s important to understand that the Palestinians have always expected that the Arab countries in the Middle East would insist that Israel recognize a Palestinian state before those countries were willing to essentially make total peace and have normal relations with Israel.

So when the Abraham Accords happened in the Trump administration, the Palestinians felt like they’d been thrown under the bus because the Abraham Accords gave them virtually nothing. But the Palestinians did still hold out hope that Saudi Arabia would be their savior. And for years, Saudi Arabia has said that Israel must give the Palestinians a state if there’s going to be a normal relationship between Israel and Saudi Arabia.

Now the Palestinians see the Saudis in discussions with the US and Israel about a normalization agreement, and there appears to be very little on offer for the Palestinians. And they are feeling like they’re going to be left out in the cold here.

Right. And in the minds of the Palestinians, having already been essentially sold out by all their other Arab neighbors, the prospect that Saudi Arabia, of all countries, the most important Muslim Arab country in the region, would sell them out, had to be extremely painful.

It was a nightmare scenario for them. And in the minds of many analysts and US officials, this was a factor, one of many, in Hamas’s decision to stage the October 7th attacks.

Hamas, like other Palestinian leaders, was seeing the prospect that the Middle East was moving on and essentially, in their view, giving up on the Palestinian cause, and that Israel would be able to have friendly, normal relations with Arab countries around the region, and that it could continue with hardline policies toward the Palestinians and a refusal, as Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has said publicly, to accept a Palestinian state.

Right. So Michael, once Hamas carries out the October 7th attacks in an effort to destroy a status quo that it thinks is leaving them less and less relevant, more and more hopeless, including potentially this prospect that Saudi Arabia is going to normalize relations with Israel, what happens to these pre-October 7th negotiations between the US, Saudi Arabia, and Israel?

Well, I think there was a snap assumption that these talks were dead and buried. That they couldn’t possibly survive a cataclysm like this.

But then something surprising happened. It became clear that all the parties were still determined to pull-off the normalization.

And most surprisingly of all, perhaps, was the continued eagerness of Saudi Arabia, which publicly was professing outrage over the Israeli response to the Hamas attacks, but privately was still very much engaged in these conversations and trying to move them forward.

And in fact, what has happened is that the scope of this effort has grown substantially. October 7th didn’t kill these talks. It actually made them bigger, more complicated, and some people would argue, more important than ever.

We’ll be right back.

Michael, walk us through what exactly happens to these three-way negotiations after October 7th that ends up making them, as you just said, more complicated and more important than ever?

Well, it’s more important than ever because of the incredible need in Gaza. And it’s going to take a deal like this and the approval of Saudi Arabia to unlock the kind of massive reconstruction project required to essentially rebuild Gaza from the rubble. Saudi Arabia and its Arab friends are also going to be instrumental in figuring out how Gaza is governed, and they might even provide troops to help secure it. None of those things are going to happen without a deal like this.

Fascinating.

But this is all much more complicated now because the price for a deal like this has gone up.

And by price, you mean?

What Israel would have to give up. [MUSIC PLAYING]

From Saudi Arabia’s perspective, you have an Arab population that is furious at Israel. It now feels like a really hard time to do a normalization deal with the Israelis. It was never going to be easy, but this is about as bad a time to do it as there has been in a generation at least. And I think that President Biden and the people around him understand that the status quo between Israel and the Palestinians is intolerable and it is going to lead to chaos and violence indefinitely.

So now you have two of the three parties to this agreement, the Saudis and the Americans, basically asking a new price after October 7th, and saying to the Israelis, if we’re going to do this deal, it has to not only do something for the Palestinians, it has to do something really big. You have to commit to the creation of a Palestinian state. Now, I’ll be specific and say that what you hear the Secretary of State, Antony Blinken, say is that the agreement has to include an irreversible time-bound path to a Palestinian state.

We don’t know exactly what that looks like, but it’s some kind of a firm commitment, the likes of which the world and certainly the Israelis have not made before.

Something that was very much not present in the pre-October 7th vision of this negotiation. So much so that, as we just talked about, the Palestinians were left feeling completely out in the cold and furious at it.

That’s right. There was no sign that people were thinking that ambitiously about the Palestinians in this deal before October 7th. And the Palestinians certainly felt like they weren’t going to get much out of it. And that has completely changed now.

So, Michael, once this big new dimension after October 7th, which is the insistence by Saudi Arabia and the US that there be a Palestinian state or a path to a Palestinian state, what is the reaction specifically from Israel, which is, of course, the third major party to this entire conversation?

Well, Israel, or at least its political leadership, hates it. You know, this is just an extremely tough sell in Israel. It would have been a tough sell before October 7th. It’s even harder now.

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is completely unrepentantly open in saying that there’s not going to be a Palestinian state on his watch. He won’t accept it. He says that it’s a strategic risk to his country. He says that it would, in effect, reward Hamas.

His argument is that terrorism has forced a conversation about statehood onto the table that wasn’t there before October 7th. Sure, it’s always in the background. It’s a perennial issue in global affairs, but it was not something certainly that the US and Israel’s Arab neighbors were actively pushing. Netanyahu also has — you know, he governs with the support of very right-wing members of a political coalition that he has cobbled together. And that coalition is quite likely to fall apart if he does embrace a Palestinian state or a path to a Palestinian state.

Now, he might be able to cobble together some sort of alternative, but it creates a political crisis for him.

And finally, you know, I think in any conversation about Israel, it’s worth bearing in mind something you hear from senior US officials these days, which is that although there is often finger pointing at Netanyahu and a desire to blame Netanyahu as this obstructionist who won’t agree to deals, what they say is Netanyahu is largely reflecting his population and the political establishment of his country, not just the right-wingers in his coalition who are clearly extremist.

But actually the prevailing views of the Israeli public. And the Israeli public and their political leaders across the spectrum right now with few exceptions, are not interested in talking about a Palestinian state when there are still dozens and dozens of Israeli hostages in tunnels beneath Gaza.

So it very much looks like this giant agreement that once seemed doable before October 7th might be more important to everyone involved than ever, given that it’s a plan for rebuilding Gaza and potentially preventing future October 7th’s from happening, but because of this higher price that Israel would have to pay, which is the acceptance of a Palestinian state, it seems from everything you’re saying, that this is more and more out of reach than ever before and hard to imagine happening in the immediate future. So if the people negotiating it are being honest, Michael, are they ready to acknowledge that it doesn’t look like this is going to happen?

Well, not quite yet. As time goes by, they certainly say it’s getting harder and harder, but they’re still trying, and they still think there’s a chance. But both the Saudis and the Biden administration understand that there’s very little time left to do this.

Well, what do you mean there’s very little time left? It would seem like time might benefit this negotiation in that it might give Israel distance from October 7th to think potentially differently about a Palestinian state?

Potentially. But Saudi Arabia wants to get this deal done in the Biden administration because Mohammed bin Salman has concluded this has to be done under a Democratic president.

Because Democrats in Congress are going to be very reluctant to approve a security agreement between the United States and Saudi Arabia.

It’s important to understand that if there is a security agreement, that’s something Congress is going to have to approve. And you’re just not going to get enough Democrats in Congress to support a deal with Saudi Arabia, who a lot of Democrats don’t like to begin with, because they see them as human rights abusers.

But if a Democratic president is asking them to do it, they’re much more likely to go along.

Right. So Saudi Arabia fears that if Biden loses and Trump is president, that those same Democrats would balk at this deal in a way that they wouldn’t if it were being negotiated under President Biden?

Exactly. Now, from President Biden’s perspective, politically, think about a president who’s running for re-election, who is presiding right now over chaos in the Middle East, who doesn’t seem to have good answers for the Israeli-Palestinian question, this is an opportunity for President Biden to deliver what could be at least what he would present as a diplomatic masterstroke that does multiple things at once, including creating a new pathway for Israel and the Palestinians to coexist, to break through the logjam, even as he is also improving Israel’s relations with Saudi Arabia.

So Biden and the Crown Prince hope that they can somehow persuade Bibi Netanyahu that in spite of all the reasons that he thinks this is a terrible idea, that this is a bet worth taking on Israel’s and the region’s long-term security and future?

That’s right. Now, no one has explained very clearly exactly how this is going to work, and it’s probably going to require artful diplomacy, possibly even a scenario where the Israelis would agree to something that maybe means one thing to them and means something else to other people. But Biden officials refuse to say that it’s hopeless and they refuse to essentially take Netanyahu’s preliminary no’s for an answer. And they still see some way that they can thread this incredibly narrow needle.

Michael, I’m curious about a constituency that we haven’t been talking about because they’re not at the table in these discussions that we are talking about here. And that would be Hamas. How does Hamas feel about the prospect of such a deal like this ever taking shape. Do they see it as any kind of a victory and vindication for what they did on October 7th?

So it’s hard to know exactly what Hamas’s leadership is thinking. I think they can feel two things. I think they can feel on the one hand, that they have established themselves as the champions of the Palestinian people who struck a blow against Israel and against a diplomatic process that was potentially going to leave the Palestinians out in the cold.

At the same time, Hamas has no interest in the kind of two-state solution that the US is trying to promote. They think Israel should be destroyed. They think the Palestinian state should cover the entire geography of what is now Israel, and they want to lead a state like that. And that’s not something that the US, Saudi Arabia, or anyone else is going to tolerate.

So what Hamas wants is to fight, to be the leader of the Palestinian people, and to destroy Israel. And they’re not interested in any sort of a peace process or statehood process.

It seems very clear from everything you’ve said here that neither Israel nor Hamas is ready to have the conversation about a grand bargain diplomatic program. And I wonder if that inevitably has any bearing on the ceasefire negotiations that are going on right now between the two of them that are supposed to bring this conflict to some sort of an end, even if it’s just temporary?

Because if, as you said, Michael, a ceasefire opens the door to this larger diplomatic solution, and these two players don’t necessarily want that larger diplomatic solution, doesn’t that inevitably impact their enthusiasm for even reaching a ceasefire?

Well, it certainly doesn’t help. You know, this is such a hellish problem. And of course, you first have the question of whether Israel and Hamas can make a deal on these immediate issues, including the hostages, Palestinian prisoners, and what the Israeli military is going to do, how long a ceasefire might last.

But on top of that, you have these much bigger diplomatic questions that are looming over them. And it’s not clear that either side is ready to turn and face those bigger questions.

So while for the Biden administration and for Saudi Arabia, this is a way out of this crisis, these larger diplomatic solutions, it’s not clear that it’s a conversation that the two parties that are actually at war here are prepared to start having.

Well, Michael, thank you very much. We appreciate it.

On Tuesday afternoon, under intense pressure from the US, delegations from Israel and Hamas arrived in Cairo to resume negotiations over a potential ceasefire. But in a statement, Israel’s Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu made clear that even with the talks underway, his government would, quote, “continue to wage war against Hamas.”

Here’s what else you need to know today. In a dramatic day of testimony, Stormy Daniels offered explicit details about an alleged sexual encounter with Donald Trump that ultimately led to the hush money payment at the center of his trial. Daniels testified that Trump answered the door in pajamas, that he told her not to worry that he was married, and that he did not use a condom when they had sex.

That prompted lawyers for Trump to seek a mistrial based on what they called prejudicial testimony. But the judge in the case rejected that request. And,

We’ve seen a ferocious surge of anti-Semitism in America and around the world.

In a speech on Tuesday honoring victims of the Holocaust, President Biden condemned what he said was the alarming rise of anti-Semitism in the United States after the October 7th attacks on Israel. And he expressed worry that too many Americans were already forgetting the horrors of that attack.

The Jewish community, I want you to know I see your fear, your hurt, and your pain. Let me reassure you, as your president, you’re not alone. You belong. You always have and you always will.

Today’s episode was produced by Nina Feldman, Clare Toeniskoetter, and Rikki Novetsky. It was edited by Liz O. Baylen, contains original music by Marion Lozano, Elisheba Ittoop, and Dan Powell, and was engineered by Alyssa Moxley. Our theme music is by Jim Brunberg and Ben Landsverk of Wonderly.

That’s it for The Daily. I’m Michael Barbaro. See you tomorrow.

May 10, 2024 • 27:42 Stormy Daniels Takes the Stand
May 9, 2024 • 34:42 One Strongman, One Billion Voters, and the Future of India
May 8, 2024 • 28:28 A Plan to Remake the Middle East
May 7, 2024 • 27:43 How Changing Ocean Temperatures Could Upend Life on Earth
May 6, 2024 • 29:23 R.F.K. Jr.’s Battle to Get on the Ballot
May 3, 2024 • 25:33 The Protesters and the President
May 2, 2024 • 29:13 Biden Loosens Up on Weed
May 1, 2024 • 35:16 The New Abortion Fight Before the Supreme Court
April 30, 2024 • 27:40 The Secret Push That Could Ban TikTok
April 29, 2024 • 47:53 Trump 2.0: What a Second Trump Presidency Would Bring
April 26, 2024 • 21:50 Harvey Weinstein Conviction Thrown Out
April 25, 2024 • 40:33 The Crackdown on Student Protesters

Hosted by Michael Barbaro

Featuring Michael Crowley

Produced by Nina Feldman , Clare Toeniskoetter and Rikki Novetsky

Edited by Liz O. Baylen

Original music by Marion Lozano , Elisheba Ittoop and Dan Powell

Engineered by Alyssa Moxley

Listen and follow The Daily Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Amazon Music | YouTube

If and when Israel and Hamas reach a deal for a cease-fire, the United States will immediately turn to a different set of negotiations over a grand diplomatic bargain that it believes could rebuild Gaza and remake the Middle East.

Michael Crowley, who covers the State Department and U.S. foreign policy for The Times, explains why those involved in this plan believe they have so little time left to get it done.

On today’s episode

Michael Crowley , a reporter covering the State Department and U.S. foreign policy for The New York Times.

A young man is looking out at destroyed buildings from above.

Background reading :

Talks on a cease-fire in the Gaza war are once again at an uncertain stage .

Here’s how the push for a deal between Israel and Saudi Arabia looked before Oct. 7 .

From early in the war, President Biden has said that a lasting resolution requires a “real” Palestinian state .

Here’s what Israeli officials are discussing about postwar Gaza.

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Michael Crowley covers the State Department and U.S. foreign policy for The Times. He has reported from nearly three dozen countries and often travels with the secretary of state. More about Michael Crowley

IMAGES

Issues in Relationships
15 Ways To Solve Relationship Problems Without Breaking Up
How to Solve Relationship Problems
How To Solve Relationship Problems Without Breaking Up
How to fix a relationship, handy tips
Problem Solving Quotes, Problem Quotes, Problem Solving Skills

VIDEO

⛔ 3 BIG MISTAKE
How to Resolve Relationship Conflicts: Expert Strategies for Harmony
How do you solve problems in your relationship? #relationshippodcast
Do This In Your Relationship 100% Of Your Problems Solved
Relationship Communication||Meaning||Process||Key Factors||Coordination||Types||Strategies||UNIT-4
How to Shift from Blame to Solution in Relationships

COMMENTS

10 Tips for Solving Relationship Conflicts
Here are 10 research-backed tips: 1. Be direct. Sometimes people don't just come out and plainly state what is bothering them, and instead choose more indirect ways of expressing their displeasure ...
7 Relationship Problems and How to Solve Them
Problem-solving strategies: Do the things you used to do when you were first dating: Show appreciation, compliment each other, contact each other through the day, and show interest in each other ...
How To Deal With Unresolved Issues In A Relationship: 16 Effective Tips
Focus on your partner's positive traits. Focus on everything that you love about them. It will give you the strength to fight for the relationship and the ability to remain calm enough to discuss the problems with them. 5. Identify the issues in your relationship.
15 Most Common Relationship Problems & Solutions
Relationship issues are common, but there are a number of tried-and-true methods for dealing with each relationship issue. We're looking at 15 of the most common relationship problems couples tend to have, discussing what you can do to solve them, and how relationship counseling online can help. With the proper mindset and knowledge, you and ...
Conflict Resolution in Relationships & Couples: 5 Strategies
Step 1 - Eliminate relationship disturbances. Firstly, it is vital to remove or at least reduce emotions that will get in the way of conflict resolution, such as hurt, anger, and resentment. Otherwise, either side is unlikely to listen patiently and openly to what the other is saying. Step 2 - Commit to a win-win posture.
14 Ways to Resolve Conflicts and Solve Relationship Problems
1. Pick the right time. Problem solving is least likely to work when you're tired, hungry, overloaded, stressed, distracted, or trying to do something else at the same time, such as making ...
Managing vs. Resolving Conflict in Relationships: The Blueprints for
This blueprint addresses current conflicts. Based on game theory, a mathematical model that describes how to manage conflict and improve cooperation with others, this blueprint stresses that both partners put off persuasion tactics until each one can state their position clearly and fully. This involves each speaker and listener taking turns.
30 Common Relationship Problems and Solutions
Check out these causes of common relationship issues or issues behind relationship problems before understanding ways to solve common relationship problems: Expectations; One of the fastest ways to create unhappiness and instability in a relationship is through disappointment. And very few things create disappointment as quickly as unmet ...
Communication in Relationships: Importance + How to Improve It
Keep in Mind. Effective communication in a relationship allows people to tell other people what they need and to respond to what their partner needs. It allows people to feel understood, validated, and connected to another person. Always remember that the goal of communicating is to understand one another.
Effective tips on how to resolve conflict in a relationship
4. Use humor. If you find yourself in a retaliatory spiral, a good tactic is to use humor to break the pattern. Humor can release tension and allow you and your partner to focus on what you both want - learning how to save your relationship - rather than on what you both don't want, another pointless argument.
The 13+ Most Common Relationship Problems (and How to Fix Them)
For instance, you might say, "I need a little bit of romance to turn me on. Maybe start out by giving me a massage or cooking me dinner first.". Sex can feel like a taboo subject, but talking about it can seriously improve you and your partners' relationship. 8.
Why You May Have Trust Issues and How to Overcome Them
Romantic relationships: People with trust issues often struggle to rely on or believe in their romantic partners.This can lead to a range of problems in relationships, including trust-related infidelity, unwillingness to commit, and difficulty apologizing when trust has been broken. Friendships: Just as people have trust issues within romantic relationships, they might also struggle with ...
Issues in Relationships
A person overcoming trust issues is still healing, talk to them calmly if you feel something is wrong. When you have disagreements, resolve the conflicts calmly. Be firm on your point but never say anything hurtful - you can't take back words - be kind to your partner while communicating. 6.
GoodTherapy
Try this: "I was counting on your help. You forgot about it, and I feel like I don't matter.". Don't assume: Don't expect your partner knows how you feel or can figure out what you want ...
How to Solve Relationship Problems (with Pictures)
Acknowledge your partner's feelings and move on. 4. Make a plan with your partner. Once you have expressed yourselves and acknowledged each other's feelings, you and your partner will need to come up with a plan to cut down on the frequency of disagreements and the amount of time spent arguing.
22 Steps To Better Communication In Your Relationships
Uncross your arms, face the other person, and look at them. Try not to engage in nervous habits such as twirling your hair, shaking your foot, or picking at your fingernails. Be curious. Ask open ...
Top Tips For How To Solve Relationship Problems Without ...
Listening. Active listening can improve communication between couples and help them solve issues they're facing. Instead of listening to respond, try to listen in order to understand. Many disagreements happen because each person doesn't understand the other. By listening well, admitting when you're wrong, and honoring how your partner ...
16 common relationship issues and how to fix them ...
Relationship issues. 1. A lack of communication. We'll start off with the most common of all the relationship issues the counselors spoke about, and the one which can lead to many of the others we outline here: communication. Communication is the key to any relationship, whether it's professional, personal, platonic, or romantic.
How to solve the most common relationship problems
Lack of trust. Lack of trust doesn't always relate to infidelity. It can appear anytime and constantly create doubt between partners. To work past this, both should work on being consistent and ...
What to do when your man goes off sex
In long term relationships, sexual intimacy doesn't always just happen by itself. The happiest couples in the bedroom make sex a priority and take practical steps to maintain that part of their ...
Web3 Meets AI: Blockchain Technology Revolutionizes The AI ...
Industry experts are addressing the centralization issues in AI development by using blockchain technology to democratize access to AI resources, ensuring fair compensation for contributors, and ...
Understanding Fire and Rescue Service Practices Through Problems and
Problem-solving in emergencies are dependent on collective efforts where organisations need to work together to solve the problems that appear [10, 11, 21, 23].Similarly, Moynihan [] argues that to identify and apply effective problem-solving when faced with complex problems, such as in emergencies, networks of actors may be required.There are many different ways to describe how actors ...
A Plan to Remake the Middle East
Produced by Nina Feldman , Clare Toeniskoetter and Rikki Novetsky. Edited by Liz O. Baylen. Original music by Marion Lozano , Elisheba Ittoop and Dan Powell. Engineered by Alyssa Moxley. If and ...