how to solve your marriage problems

Marriage Problems? Here's an 8-Step Rescue Plan

Looking back, was your marriage once happier than it is now.

Posted March 18, 2013 | Reviewed by Devon Frye

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Marriage problems should not be ignored.
Steps to address problems include making a list of your disagreements and learning how to express your concerns constructively.
It’s also important to learn to make decisions cooperatively and increase positive energy toward your partner.

Am I Heading for a Bad Marriage? My Spouse Is So Annoying By Susan Heitler Ph.D.

Marriage problems need fixing, not ignoring.

I am a psychologist who specializes in marriage rescue for couples facing marital problems. When couples first contact me for help with their marriage, they typically feel distressed—even hopeless—about their relationship. If they can look back and remember good times that occurred earlier in their partnership, however, that usually signals that the marriage can be saved. In fact, this kind of marriage still has the potential to become exactly the kind of partnership the couple had hoped for when they said, "I do."

What transitions couples from desperation about their difficulties to delight in sharing their lives together? Here’s the 8-step pathway along which I guide my therapy clients—and which you are welcome to take as well.

1. Make a list of all the issues about which you have disagreements.

This includes the issues that you refrain from talking about out of fear that talking might lead to arguing. Your self-help treatment will be complete when you have both found mutually agreeable solutions to all of these issues and have learned the skills to resolve new issues as they arise with similarly win-win solutions.

If the list seems interminable because you fight about everything—from where you should live to the time of day—odds are, the problem is less that you are facing some extraordinarily challenging differences; rather, it's more likely that your manner of talking with each other needs a major upgrade.

2. Fix your focus solidly on yourself .

Attempts to get your partner to change invite defensiveness. No one likes being told they're doing things wrong—or, far worse, that they are a bad person. It's better by far for both of you to each use your energies and intelligence to figure out what YOU could do differently.

Here's a question that can get you started: What would enable you to stay loving and good-humored even if the frustrating pieces in your spouse’s repertoire never get an upgrade? That's how to become “self-centered” in the best sense. If both of you are seeking to facilitate your own upgrades, the marriage will blossom.

3. Cut the crap.

Pardon my language. But the point is that negative muck that you give each other is totally unhelpful. It only taints a positive relationship. That means no more criticism, complaints, blame, accusations, anger , sarcasm, mean digs, snide remarks…get it?

No more anger escalations either. Stay in the calm zone. Exit early and often if either of you is beginning to get heated. Learn to calm yourself, and then re-engage cooperatively.

Research psychologist John Gottman has found that marriages generally survive if the ratio of good to bad interactions is 5 to 1. Do you want to barely survive? Or do you want to save the marriage in a way that will make it thrive? If thriving is your goal, aim for 100,000,000:1. That means: don’t sling mud at all. Cut the crap.

4. Learn how to express concerns constructively .

A simple way to do that in sensitive conversations is to stick with the following sentence-starter options. In my clinical work, I give couples a handout that includes these starter phrases. I encourage them to use the handout frequently, checking how to start each comment that might be sensitive or on topics that they know could be prickly. Please feel free to download the full 6-sentence-starters guide; click here and scroll down .

I feel... [followed by a one-word feeling such as " anxious ," "sad," etc.]
My concern is…
I would like to… [note: NEVER use "I would like you to…"]
How would you feel about that? or What are your thoughts on that?

5. Learn how to make decisions cooperatively .

I call collaborative decision-making the “win-win waltz.” Win-win decision-making aims for a plan of action that pleases you both. No more insistence designed to “get your way.” Instead, when you have differences, quietly express your underlying concerns, listen calmly to understand your partner’s concerns, and then create a solution that's responsive to both of your concerns.

Practice this skillset on all the issues you listed in step 1. You may be amazed to discover that, even on issues that seemed intractable, you will be able to co-create solutions that will work for both of you.

6. Eliminate the three A’s that ruin marriages.

A ffairs, A ddictions, and excessive A nger are deal-breakers. They are out-of-bounds in a healthy marriage. Fix the habit—or it's game over.

If you or your spouse has these problems, saving this kind of marriage could be a mistaken goal. Better to end a marriage than to continue a marriage with these hurtful habits. Better yet is for each of you to figure out what you can do differently in the future. The one with the A-habit needs to figure out how to end it. The partner needs to heal, and also to learn alternatives to tolerating the habit.

Most importantly, especially if you have children who need you to learn how to be more emotionally healthy as individuals and as a couple, is for the two of you both to commit to building a new kind of marriage.

That is, end the old marriage. Build a new one with the same partner. Build a marriage where there are zero affairs, addictions, or excessive anger and instead, abounding love and trust.

7. Radically increase the positive energies you give your partner.

Smile more. Touch more. Hug more. More “eye kisses.” More sex . More shared time and shared projects. More appreciation. More dwelling on what you like about your partner.

Respond more often with agreement in response to things your partner says that in the past you might have answered with, “But...” Listening is loving—especially when you are listening to take in information, not to show what's wrong with what your partner says or to show that you know more.

Help out more. Give more praise and more gratitude . Do more fun activities together. Laugh and joke more, do new things, and go new places together.

The best things in life really are free. And the more positives you give, the more you’ll get. I wrote above about Gottman's 5:1 ratio. Increasing the positives is every bit as important as decreasing negatives to hit a 100,000,000:1 ratio.

8. Look back at your parents' marriage and assess its strengths and weaknesses. Decide what you want to do differently.

When people marry, they bring along a recording in their head of how their parents treated each other, as well as how they were treated by their parents. These relationships are where folks learn patterns of interacting for intimate relationships. Decide consciously what to keep from your folks and what to do differently.

Ready to Get Started?

Would you expect to drive a car without first taking drivers’ ed? Search out books and marriage courses to learn the communication and conflict resolution skills for marriage partnership. Then in addition to ending your marriage problems, you’ll make your partnership a loving success.

Susan Heitler, Ph.D ., is the author of many books, including From Conflict to Resolution and The Power of Two . She is a graduate of Harvard University and New York University.

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At any moment, someone’s aggravating behavior or our own bad luck can set us off on an emotional spiral that could derail our entire day. Here’s how we can face triggers with less reactivity and get on with our lives.

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10 Strategies to Help Solve Your Marriage Problems

Travis atkinson.

September 17, 2021

All relationships and marriages go through periods when they face problems. The secret to a healthy and growing relationship is your ability to overcome these problems. The moment you turn your back on your relationship when you encounter marital issues, it will quickly fall into despair. Solving marriage problems will not only make your relationship healthier, but also more resilient.

10 Top Strategies for Solving Marital Problems

All couples have problems, but not every couple is able to work through them. These are the top strategies to solve your marriage problems, no matter what it is that is causing the troubles.

1. Communicate, communicate, communicate

Communication is the secret to a lasting relationship. All healthy and happy marriages keep their communication lines open.

If you are trying to solve your marital problems, you should not stop communicating with your spouse. Openly discuss the issues you are having so that you can come up with a resolution together. If you just sweep it under a rug, it will only develop into something more serious in the long run.

strategies to help solve your marriage problems

2. Recognize when you’re in a gridlock

One of the most common hurdles to solving marriage problems is when you and your partner don’t see eye to eye when it comes to your marital issues. One spouse is willing to discuss the problem and the other doesn’t find it a big deal.

When you’ve reached an impasse, it’s important to take a break. Forcing your opinion on things won’t change the situation. By taking a break, you allow time for each of you to put things in perspective.

3. Express yourself constructively

When you are in an argument with your spouse, it is easy to let your emotions take over. You could end up saying hurtful things that only worsen the problem instead of fixing them. Try to avoid this route whenever possible.

When discussing your marital problems, focus on being constructive. It is also important to stay on-topic and not to bring up previous issues.

4. Break the curse of familiarity

Married couples that have been together for a long time have this false belief that they know each other deeply. However, this can often be the root of the problem in a relationship.

Never stop asking questions or attempting to get to know your partner. This will help you understand their needs better and help avoid conflict, or understand their perspective when it comes to discussing issues within your marriage.

There will be less conflict in your relationship if you know where your partner is coming from.

5. Make decisions together

When you are solving marriage problems, you need to approach them together and decide on the best solution as a couple. One spouse cannot be authoritarian and make decisions for the both of you. In fact, this is something that causes marriage problems in the first place.

By making decisions together, you can both be at ease knowing that you’ve considered your partner’s feelings and concerns. Avoid the urge to insist on what you want or doing things your way. Keep an open mind and encourage your spouse to voice their opinion.

If things start to get heated between you in an argument, think of ways to deescalate the conflict and try to keep things light.

6. Acknowledge your spouse’s feelings

Have you ever experienced opening up about your feelings and then having those feelings shut down or dismissed? It’s not a good feeling. It makes you feel undervalued and unnoticed.

You don’t want your spouse to feel this way. If you are trying to resolve conflict within your marriage, you need to encourage one another. Give your spouse a chance to speak up and make their feelings known. Even if you don’t agree with them, don’t dismiss their feelings. Instead, try to put yourself in their shoes and understand why they feel that way. Look at what you can do to address those feelings. That is what couples in healthy marriages do.

7. Understand that it’s not a competition

It is not uncommon for spouses to feel the need to ‘win’ an argument. It feeds their ego and makes them feel good about themselves when they prove their spouse wrong about certain things.

You should not solve your marital problems with this kind of attitude. Often, if you win an argument, your relationship loses. This should not be about who wins or loses; focus on fixing issues in your marriage so you can both be happy and healthy.

8. Keep a positive attitude

This might sound like an obvious tip but most couples who are fighting find it difficult to stay positive. Successful couples are the ones that can maintain a positive perspective throughout their relationship even when dealing with marital issues.

The fact that you and your partner are taking steps to address your problems is a good sign. This should inspire you to stay positive about the future of your relationship. Hold on to that positivity and find ways to save your relationship, especially if you both agree that it’s worth saving.

9. Give your partner space

Most spouses are so desperate to resolve issues within their marriage that they end up smothering their other half. However, taking this approach when you are dealing with marriage problems will only make things worse.

Give your spouse the space to think and reflect. It will also give you the opportunity to look at things from their perspective. When you give each other space, you don’t act based on emotions but rather on logic and reasoning.

10. Get counseling.

Counseling is a great way to solve marriage problems. It will involve a few sessions only, and is a great way to address issues within your relationship on a neutral ground. You can also get the guidance of an expert so you can work out the cause of the problem.

The secret to success with counseling is to follow through with the plan. Any consultation you’ve done with a therapist will be of no use if you have no accountability and don’t follow through with it. It is important that both spouses take accountability for fixing their marital problems.

If you think counseling is expensive, it’s definitely cheaper than divorce! Plus, if you are serious about solving marriage problems, this is one of the best ways to go about it.

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10 Ways to Strengthen a Marriage and Avoid Divorce

Getting help for your marriage now can make your relationship last

Wayne's background in life coaching along with his work helping organizations to build family-friendly policies, gives him a unique perspective on fathering.

Carly Snyder, MD is a reproductive and perinatal psychiatrist who combines traditional psychiatry with integrative medicine-based treatments.

Commit to Your Relationship

Forgive quickly, honor and respect your partner, communicate regularly, share financial expectations, give each other space, work on wellness, have date nights.

Don't Try to Control Your Partner

Marriage takes work, and it isn't always easy. It takes effort to protect, nurture, and grow a marriage. Between work schedules, children, and other obligations, sometimes it can seem impossible to maintain that partnership.

When problems arise, some couples find it healthier to divorce and go their separate ways. For others, it's a better choice to work on the relationship.

At a Glance

If you need help for your marriage and want to build a healthier relationship that can withstand the test of time, there are proactive measures you can take to make your marriage stronger. Commitment, forgiveness, respect, communication, and understanding are vital. From improving communication to infusing more romance into day-to-day life, here are ten ways to improve your partnership.

When times get tough, it isn't uncommon for people to start thinking that the grass might be greener on the other side. However, toying with the idea that you might be better off outside of your marriage can put a major strain on your relationship—even if you never voice those thoughts.

Ruminating about what your life might be like outside of your marriage can make it harder to commit to your relationship. It can also leave you feeling less motivated to try to improve your marriage.

To combat the risk to your relationship, decide ahead of time that divorce is not an option . Making the commitment will help you focus on making your partnership stronger rather than thinking about what life might be like outside your marriage.

Marriages often begin to fall apart when one person is holding a grudge. Research has shown that feeling contempt toward your partner almost always festers and can lead to divorce if it's never resolved.

"Forgiving is one of the most important and also one of the most difficult things for couples to do," says Aura De Los Santos , a clinical and educational psychologist at NCHC.

Aura De Los Santos, clinical and educational psychologist

When couples forgive each other, they can move forward because forgiveness is a window that allows them to look to the future and not get stuck in the situations that caused them pain.

Try to forgive your partner as quickly as possible. Remember that forgiveness is just as much a gift you give yourself. Holding a grudge takes up mental and emotional space and almost always impacts your health and stress levels.

Be Willing to Apologize

If you have wronged your partner, sincerely apologize and ask for their forgiveness. Listen to what they have to say and try to understand why they are upset. Let them know you will work on how to do things differently in the future.

People inevitably change over time. Understanding, appreciating, and adapting to those changes is critical for any relationship. Start by making a list of your partner's best qualities to remind yourself of the wonderful person you married. This exercise will help you remember why you fell in love with them in the first place.

It also helps to vocalize how much you appreciate your partner's quirks and eccentricities.

Let your partner know every day—through compliments or thank-yous—that you appreciate all that they do.

These little expressions are like deposits in the bank. You don't want to make withdrawals from your marriage without ever making any deposits. So, be sure you are doing things that honor your partner for who they are.

In the age of smartphones, Netflix, and work-from-home lifestyles, it's easy to get distracted. You might find that you often go days without having a real conversation with your spouse.

Constant communication allows couples to express their feelings and not hold grudges. Many times, grudges originate because one of the parties feels that their partner does not listen to them and minimizes their feelings.

Communicating openly about your life, interests, dreams, frustrations, and feelings is an important way to foster intimacy in a relationship.

It's also crucial that you also listen to your partner voice their thoughts. It can be helpful to set aside 30 minutes each day—free from interruptions or distractions—where you can talk.

Many marriages are fraught with disagreements over finances . Couples often bring different expectations about money to a relationship. Each partner can find it difficult to see the financial situation from the other person's perspective.

Agreeing about how your money will be handled is a critical component of a successful marriage. Agree on a budget, an approach to debt, and make a plan to live within your limits.

It's also important to differentiate between needs and wants. While both are legitimate, couples can face problems if they try to fulfill all their wants without considering their budget.

Incorporate some flexibility in your budget to allow for entertainment, gifts, vacations, and other activities that will strengthen your marriage.

One of the hardest things to balance in a marriage is the right amount of time to spend together. Too much can feel like smothering, while too little can be interpreted as inattentive.

When your partner needs space or a night out with friends, offer to watch the kids or run errands to ensure they can get that time. On the other hand, you also want to make time to spend with your partner. If babysitting issues or financial constraints make that difficult, plan a fun, cost-effective date night at home.

The key is that you both make a concerted effort to spend quality time together while allowing each other the space to have an outside community.

It's easy to get into a routine of being overly casual, especially if you've been with your partner for many years. An easy way to rekindle romance is to think back to those early days of dating—preparing for date night with an at-home manicure, getting a fresh shave and haircut, or choosing a fun outfit.

There are plenty of ways to feel attractive and energized. Keeping up with your physical fitness boosts your confidence and sense of well-being.

This can also double as a way to spend time with your partner— whether you're trying a new workout class, training for a 5K, or prepping healthy meals together.

Another way to keep the flame burning in a marriage is to continue courting your spouse. Make time for a date night every week—even to get ice cream or cook a new recipe together.

De Los Santos says that quality time together is essential. "Quality time means taking time for the couple to go out and share. This helps to combat monotony, allows people to get to know each other better, and enjoy more as a couple," she explains.

If money is a concern , consider trading babysitting with another couple looking to have a date night. You can also just put the baby in a stroller, walk around the mall, or visit the local park.

Continue doing the things you did when you were dating. Small, thoughtful gestures can help couples feel like newlyweds . Try leaving your partner little love notes where they will find them, make them coffee in the morning, or buy their favorite snack at the grocery store.

Don't Try to Control Your Partner

In healthy marriages, both partners have mutual respect for one another and don't demand their own way. This can mean different things to different couples, but here are some core tenants to keep in mind:

Don't try to monitor or control each other
Give your partner room to be the person they are
Learn to collaborate on big decisions (such as spending money and raising children)
Let your spouse have the freedom to come and go without having to ask your permission

Partners who attempt to control one another risk becoming emotionally abusive . They might display signs of financial abuse —which frequently leads to divorce .

If you're still having challenges in your marriage or fear that divorce might be imminent, consider counseling or couples therapy . This can be a helpful way to work through problems you might have and develop new skills that will strengthen your marriage.

"Seeing a psychologist can help them resolve conflicts effectively, get to know each other better, and set new goals as a married couple," De Los Santos says.

If you aren't sure where to look, ask your primary care provider for a referral to a qualified professional in your area.

You can also check with your workplace. See if you (or your partner) have access to an employee assistance program (EAP), which can often direct you to initial help or provide a referral.

You can also use the therapist locator offered by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) to look for a qualified professional in your area.

If you and your partner share faith, your might also consider meeting with a trusted religious leader.

Get Help Now

We've tried, tested, and written unbiased reviews of the best online therapy programs including Talkspace, BetterHelp, and ReGain. Find out which option is the best for you.

Navigating issues in a marriage can be challenging. To persevere in the relationship and prevent divorce, both partners need to commit to doing the work and putting in time and effort. While the goal is to save the relationship, you will ultimately have to decide if staying together is the right choice for both of you.

If you and your partner need more help, consider working with a marriage counselor or a religious leader if you share the same faith. These individuals can help you get a new perspective and can point you toward additional services if needed.

Scott SB, Rhoades GK, Stanley SM, Allen ES, Markman HJ. Reasons for divorce and recollections of premarital intervention: Implications for improving relationship education . Couple Family Psychol . 2013;2(2):131-145. doi:10.1037/a0032025

Nemati M, Behmanesh F, Kheirkhah F, Geraili Z, Pasha H. Marital commitment and mental health in different patterns of mate selection: A comparison of modern, mixed, and traditional patterns . Iran J Psychiatry . 2022;17(4):418-427. doi:10.18502/ijps.v17i4.10691

Schriber RA, Chung JM, Sorensen KS, Robins RW. Dispositional contempt: A first look at the contemptuous person . J Pers Soc Psychol . 2017;113(2):280-309. doi:10.1037/pspp0000101

Lichtenfeld S, Maier MA, Buechner VL, Fernández capo M. The influence of decisional and emotional forgiveness on attributions . Front Psychol . 2019;10:1425. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2019.01425

Bloch L, Haase CM, Levenson RW. Emotion regulation predicts marital satisfaction: more than a wives' tale . Emotion . 2014;14(1):130-44. doi:10.1037/a0034272

Lavner JA, Karney BR, Bradbury TN. Does couples' communication predict marital satisfaction, or does marital satisfaction predict communication ? J Marriage Fam . 2016;78(3):680-694. doi:10.1111/jomf.12301

Ryu S, Fan L. The relationship between financial worries and psychological distress among U.S. adults . J Fam Econ Issues . 2023;44(1):16-33. doi:10.1007/s10834-022-09820-9

Lampis J, Cataudella S, Agus M, Busonera A, Skowron EA. Differentiation of self and dyadic adjustment in couple relationships: A dyadic analysis using the actor-partner interdependence model . Fam Process . 2019;58(3):698-715. doi:10.1111/famp.12370

Zamani sani SH, Fathirezaie Z, Brand S, et al. Physical activity and self-esteem: testing direct and indirect relationships associated with psychological and physical mechanisms . Neuropsychiatr Dis Treat . 2016;12:2617-2625. doi:10.2147/NDT.S116811

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By Wayne Parker Wayne's background in life coaching along with his work helping organizations to build family-friendly policies, gives him a unique perspective on fathering.

90 years of expert advice and inspiration, for every couple.

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10 of the Most Common Marriage Problems Couples Face

And how to solve them, according to relationship experts.

Getty Images / Delmaine Donson

There’s no way around it: Long-term relationships are hard work—and there will be bumps along the way. Even the best marriages experience ups and downs, but couples that go the distance have one crucial thing in common: They face all challenges together and know that a viable solution always puts their partnership first. It's the combined unit versus those marital problems, not one person versus the other. “You can’t solve couple problems individually,” says therapist Jocylynn Stephenson. “It almost always fails, because you don’t have the input of the other person.”

Meet the Expert

Jocylynn Stephenson , MS, LCMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist. Based in Bethesda, Maryland, she specializes in marital conflict, separations, and divorce decisions.
Dr. Tamika Torres , PsyD, is a psychologist and business coach who has been working with individuals and couples alike for over a decade.

While the specifics of those problems will vary from couple to couple, there’s comfort in knowing that others are likely grappling with some of the same core issues you do. Read on for a look at 10 of the most common marital problems —and our experts' advice on how to work through them together.

1. You have communication issues.

A lack of communication between married couples—or any couple, for that matter—can lead to a variety of issues in the relationship, says Dr. Tamika Torres, a psychologist. "This can result in feelings of loneliness, frustration, and dissatisfaction within the marriage," she says. "Without open and honest communication, misunderstandings can arise, leading to conflict and resentment." Ultimately, communication is a relationship's foundation—and when it falters, so do other key components of the partnership. For example, if poor communication remains ongoing, emotional intimacy dwindles, as does your desire to actually address the important issues (which is when small problems turn into big ones). "Eventually, couples struggle to express their needs, feelings, and desires, leading to a sense of emotional disconnection," adds Dr. Torres.

The Solution

This is arguably the most important thing you could ever do for your marriage: Establish open and regular communication channels , says Dr. Torres. "Practice active listening to ensure both partners feel heard and understood," she says. "If communication issues persist, consider seeking professional help, such as couples therapy, to facilitate constructive dialogue and resolution."

2. You don’t take an interest in each other’s interests.

It starts with the best of intentions: You want your partner to be independent and pursue their passions, even if you don’t quite understand them. At the same time, you don’t want to overly burden your partner with the things you love that they don’t. While these sentiments come from a good place, they can create distance in a marriage. “If we allow for too much individuality, we end up in silos,” says Stephenson. “Then, we’re just kind of living parallel lives instead of weaving a life together.” This can lead to a loss of intimacy and interconnectedness that’s crucial for a healthy relationship.

Be intentional about getting more involved. You don’t have to make your partner’s hobbies your own or know every detail about the roster history of their favorite football team. But you do need to look for opportunities to share your passions. “Figure out where the two of you can align so you have visibility on each other’s internal lives,” Stephenson explains. If you love figure skating and a particularly exciting competition is coming up, ask your partner to watch it with you. (Knowing the engagement has a distinct beginning and end will help make them more amenable to participating.)

On the flip side, if your partner is an avid cyclist, make time to check in on the pastime. “It can be as simple as saying, ‘Hey, what’s going on for you? Are you going on any big rides soon? Who do you ride with?’” Stephenson says. By actively staying in the know about what’s important to your partner, you validate their interests—and reconfirm your marriage as a place to explore those interests in the process.

Getty Images / miniseries

3. Your spending habits are different.

No surprise here: Money is one of the biggest sources of tension between married couples, particularly when it comes to how to spend it. But all hope is not lost just because one person has a tight hold on their purse strings, while the other enjoys splurging.

In these instances, Stephenson begins counseling by helping couples explore the reasons behind their habits. “A lot of our work as marriage therapists is about helping couples understand one another, so I start with what spending means to each of them,” she says. “Where did you learn how to deal with money? What did you see growing up?” This lays the groundwork for more empathetic conversations about how to approach finances as a unit.

Set expectations about how to share. Scrutinizing each other’s every purchase is likely only going to add fuel to the fire, so it’s important to find compromises in this realm. A combination of joint and separate accounts can work wonders, but even then you’ll want a window into your partner’s individual goals, habits, and desires. “Here, we talk about what it looks like to structure your money,” says Stephenson. “What are the big things you want? What are the big things you’re saving for? What does your spending look like on a week-to-week basis?”

It’s also helpful to set clear expectations for how you’ll handle larger financial decisions. Work together to determine what “big” means—maybe it’s a specific amount, maybe it’s a type of investment, such as a new stock or business opportunity—and how you’ll approach those decisions.

There’s no right answer here: Some couples will want to discuss everything beforehand, while others are fine if one person takes the lead, but clues the other in after the fact. Either way, setting explicit guidelines and sticking to them will minimize surprises—which can feel like breaches of trust—down the line.

Getty Images / PeopleImages

4. You have different feelings about social media.

This marital problem is two-fold. Some duos disagree on what or how much one partner shares on social media; others argue about the amount of time their spouse spends on these apps. "When it comes to married couples, there is a fine line between sharing and oversharing on social media," confirms Dr. Torres. "In my practice, a common issue that arises from married couples, especially those in their 20s through early 40s, is oversharing on social media and not being present."

When intimate details of a relationship or a family's dynamics are shared with the world, it can lead to discomfort, insecurity, or even feelings of betrayal. "Couples may feel pressured to portray a perfect image of their relationship online, which can lead to a façade of happiness that may not accurately reflect the true dynamics," notes Dr. Torres, adding that some duos also unfairly measure themselves or their spouses against what they see online. "This can create unrealistic expectations and lead to feelings of inadequacy or dissatisfaction within the relationship."

Technology is also a distraction. "With the constant accessibility of smartphones, tablets, and other devices, couples may find themselves more engrossed in their screens than in each other," shares Dr. Torres. "Whether you're scrolling through posts, the kids are on their iPads, or your husband is on the laptop at the kitchen counter, technology can hinder quality time spent together, leading to feelings of neglect and disconnection."

When it comes to differing feelings about social media, with regards to what you share or how much time you spend on it, start by getting on the same page. "Initiate a discussion about boundaries regarding social media usage and oversharing," Dr. Torres shared. "Establish clear guidelines, such as designated device-free times or zones, to prioritize quality time together without digital interruptions."

5. You’ve fallen out of sync on intimacy.

When it comes to sex, the most common marriage problem Stephenson encounters is differing levels and types of desire —and a reluctance to discuss that openly. “There can be a lot of shame, judgment about performance, and pressure to be and do all sorts of things, so we don’t talk about it explicitly,” says Stephenson. That makes normalizing open communication on this front is a crucial first step.

Try a two-prong approach. “Step one is understanding their history,” says Stephenson. “What did sex and intimacy look like before it changed for the worse?” Identifying the root of a problem is the first step in solving it, so she encourages couples to talk about what's contributed to the change.

Step two is determining where each person wants to be going forward. If those levels of desire match up, figure out how to remove or work around the barriers keeping you from getting there. If they don’t match up, make sure each person knows the best way to satisfy their partner while still keeping their personal boundaries intact. While it’s not a perfect solution, putting in the effort can go a long way towards showing your spouse that their needs are important to you. When done in a safe, supportive environment, it can also open you up to new experiences that can deepen your personal sexual enjoyment.

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6. Jealousy has reared its ugly head.

While you might think this insecurity stems from concerns about physical infidelity , Stephenson finds that’s not typically the case. “Most often, I find that couples get jealous of their closeness their partners feel with other people,” she says. “It’s more the emotional stuff.”

Reinvest in your relationship. Assuaging this type of jealousy is all about sharing your inner world. “Inevitably, it’s a matter of giving a person more time, more attention, and more of yourself,” Stephenson says. “In my experience, couples that have close relationships [outside of their marriage] but don’t experience jealousy are also doing the work to maintain emotional intimacy. If your partner gets enough of that, then they’re usually satisfied.”

7. It feels like you’re growing in different directions.

It’s inevitable that people will evolve in different ways over the course of a long-term relationship, and that these changes might, at times, lead you to question your compatibility. Perhaps the career-focused person you married has eased their professional ambitions in favor of finding fulfillment in family, or the partner who once shared your dream of settling closer to relatives now hopes to retire to a remote cabin in the woods.

These divergences can seem like impossible hurdles to overcome, but it’s important to realize that while the specifics of your individual dreams may have changed, you’re likely still aligned on the core components. “Generally, couples want to be happy and emotionally stable, and they want to eventually stop working,” says Stephenson. “Those are the big umbrella goals, and the rest are particularities.”

Meet your partner where they’re at. Part of the issue here is feeling like you no longer know your spouse, so put in the effort to get reacquainted. “I ask couples to make time for lots of intimacy work,” says Stephenson, who uses a list of prompts from The Gottman Institute to encourage meaningful dialogue. (Topics include greatest fears, best friends, life goals, and more.) “In giving couples these questions, I essentially ask them to get to know each other again, and to do that in a positive way.”

Understanding your partner’s hopes and dreams in intimate detail also provides more wiggle room for finding common ground. Maybe it’s not a literal cabin in the woods they need, but the feelings of privacy or being connected to nature that the cabin would provide. Finding a way to satisfy those wants in an environment you’d also be happy with could be the key to ensuring a successful future together.

8. You have different stances on parenting.

You may agree about wanting kids—but do you know if you have similar or complementary parenting styles? " Disagreements about parenting can be a major source of conflict between married couples," shares Dr. Torres. "When parents have different beliefs, values, or approaches to parenting, it can lead to arguments and tension in the relationship; one partner might not feel supported by their spouse." Disciplinary style is one such source of discord; you might want to enforce certain rules, but your partner is much more lenient. "Not only can this cause confusion for the children—it can undermine the authority of the parent," notes Dr. Torres.

You can't always know how you'll parent until you're a parent—but it can't hurt to talk through things hypothetically even before you welcome little ones. If issues arise when your family expands, "engage in open dialogue to explore and understand each other’s parenting styles and values," notes Dr. Torres. "Seek compromises that reflect a collaborative approach to parenting, emphasizing teamwork rather than opposition." By aligning on parenting strategies and goals, you'll strengthen your bond and effectively co-parent your kids.

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9. You’re both bored.

Ennui can be a silent relationship killer. What do you do when there’s no discernible problem, but you’ve both lost perspective on what makes your bond special? Boredom typically manifests itself as a lack of enthusiasm, and it can take a toll on a marriage if left unchecked.

Confront the issue head-on. “If I find a couple is drifting apart because they think they know everything there is to know about their partner, I tell them that they’re wrong,” says Stephenson. “Their partner has grown and changed. If you can’t see that, then you’ve got to open your eyes.”

If that boredom is a result of predictability in your life together, the best thing you can do is share that with your partner in a way that allows you to do something about it. “Externalize the problem,” Stephenson advises. “Where does your boredom come from, and what do you want to do about it?” If you feel, for example, that you’re no longer having interesting conversations, evaluate how you spend your time individually. Are you reading books, delving into new interests, or otherwise engaging in the kind of things that lead to that? After all, sometimes the best way to help your relationship is to help yourself first.

10. Your conflict resolution skills need work.

Arguing is a normal part of married life—but do you know how to effectively halt, learn from, and move past conflict? If you find that your fights are ongoing or repetitive, you might have a conflict resolution problem . "When married couples experience difficulties in conflict resolution, it can strain the relationship," shares Dr. Torres. "One common issue is a breakdown in communication, where partners struggle to effectively express their feelings and needs to each other. This can result in misunderstandings, pent-up emotions, and a lack of empathy." When you fail to resolve these fights, you risk losing each other's perspectives, "leading to a cycle of blame and defensiveness, rather than a collaborative effort to find a resolution," she adds.

It's imperative to develop and practice effective conflict resolution skills that prioritize respect, empathy, and understanding. After you argue, "take time for self-reflection and emotional regulation before engaging in discussions to prevent escalations," suggests Dr. Torres. Or, consider setting up weekly check-ins that allow you and partner to touch base emotionally—and provide room for joint reflection. "Focus on finding mutually beneficial solutions through compromise and avoid resorting to personal attacks or disrespectful behavior," notes Dr. Torres.