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Common Marriage Problems and Solutions

Sources of Marriage Problems

Elizabeth Scott, PhD is an author, workshop leader, educator, and award-winning blogger on stress management, positive psychology, relationships, and emotional wellbeing.

Carly Snyder, MD is a reproductive and perinatal psychiatrist who combines traditional psychiatry with integrative medicine-based treatments.

Money Problems

Childcare issues, daily stress, busy schedules, poor communication, harmful behaviors.

Marriage can offer wonderful benefits for well-being, life satisfaction, and stress management , but no relationship is without its challenges. The common problems of marriage can put a strain on a couple, but there's a choice in how to handle these issues.

The following are some of the most common sources of marital stress and marriage problems, as well as insights on how to address them.

Disagreements about money are one of the most common marriage problems couples face. Almost a third of adults with partners in the United States reported money as a source of conflict in their relationships.

The following may become money problems in a marriage:

• Disagreements over financial decisions (i.e., investments, household spending, etc.)
• Having different beliefs about money (how much to spend vs. save)
• Not talking about finances before getting married
• One person in the marriage makes more money
• One person in the marriage spends more money

Generally speaking, when couples engage in conflicts about money, their dispute is really symbolic of something different—such as power struggles, or different values and needs.

When one partner is extremely stressed about money , they may be less patient or more irritable; they may then pick fights with the other partner about unrelated things without even realizing it.

Finding a Solution

Try having an honest conversation with your partner. What are each of your expectations when it comes to spending and saving every month? Remember, it's about reaching a compromise (within your financial means) so that both of you feel comfortable, but not restricted.

Try dividing the labor. Maybe one partner focuses on household spending and the other on saving money one month, and the next month, you switch.

You can even make it more fun by having a monthly "money date" where you pay bills and set up budgets. Remember to budget regular date nights with each other, too—that can help make the financial conversations lighter and less stressful.

Having children can be a wonderful experience that brings with it feelings of well-being and purpose. However, it can also be challenging and may put extra strain on a marriage .

Some marriage problems that can arise after having children include:

• Couples have less time (and less energy) to spend with each other
• Each parent has less alone time to de-stress or engage in self-care
• Financial strain as a result of supporting a child
• If one parent feels they're doing more of "the work," they may become resentful of their spouse
• Lack of support from family and friends

Though it may take time to adjust, especially for first-time parents, try to develop a support network. This may include family and friends, or if you're financially able, a babysitter who can watch your child for an evening.

Even if it's just for a couple of hours, try to take a break from your roles as "parents" to remember your roles as "spouses." This will give you time to reconnect with each other.

While many parents make their child's happiness a priority, it's important to keep in mind that happiness between parents and in the home plays a significant role in the development of a child's personality, intelligence, creativity, and emotional health.

In other words, happier parents often equals happier kids.

Delegating household tasks is important as well. You and your spouse can come up with a schedule where you both take on a fair amount of childcare duties, so they don't all fall on one parent.

Daily stressors don’t need to become marriage problems, but sometimes, they do.

We all deal with annoyances like getting stuck in traffic, being late to work, or getting nervous about a big deadline coming up. But in a marriage, these stressors can create a "spillover" effect, especially if one person comes home after a hard day and projects onto their partner, perhaps getting angry or being impatient.

When one partner has had a stressful day, they may have less emotional energy to devote to nurturing their relationship . When both partners have had a difficult day, this, of course, is only exacerbated.

As with financial stress, general daily stress can test patience and optimism, leaving couples with less energy to give to one another.

Does your partner come home and vent about their problems—but that makes you feel stressed, too? Or do they shut down completely and emotionally withdraw?

This is all about knowing and respecting boundaries. Maybe you both set a rule that venting can only last 10 minutes so that it doesn't increase the stress levels at home. Or, maybe you learn to respect each other's alone time when either of you needs a chance to cool off.

It's important that both of you have your own ways of de-stressing so you can bring your best selves to the relationship.

Marriage problems can result from overly busy schedules for a few reasons:

• Couples who are busy are often stressed, especially if they’re not taking care of themselves with quality sleep and good nutrition .
• Busy couples may feel less connected because they have less time to spend together and more separateness in their lives.
• Couples may not work together as a team and might find themselves fighting over who’s taking care of which household and social responsibilities.

While busy schedules don’t automatically lead to marriage problems, they do present a challenge that needs to be worked through.

Research shows that quality time often improves the well-being of a relationship. Regular activities—like watching a favorite TV show together or going out to dinner—can make you feel more bonded to one another.

It's also helpful to try new things together. Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a member of the Verywell Mind Review Board, says, "Embarking in novel experiences has many positive effects. The excitement causes us to rate the experience more favorably. You can also displace the familiar and worn-out roles you occupy with your partner."

Dr. Romanoff also recommends exercising together, if possible. She says, "The rise in endorphin levels after exercise creates neural pathways that link these behaviors with positive emotions and each other."

Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD

By exercising together, you can discover unforeseen strengths in each other, which can lead to a newfound appreciation of your partner.

Perhaps the biggest predictor of marriage problems is poor communication  or negative communication that belies damaging attitudes and dynamics within the relationship.

So, how do you improve communication in your marriage? Try out the following:

• Make small talk : Simply asking, "How are you?" or "How was your day?" can be a friendly reminder that you both care about and support each other.
• Show signs of affection : Try exploring each other's love languages . Maybe you show your partner affection by giving them hugs regularly or buying them a small gift on occasion to show you're thinking about them.
• Use the speaker-listener technique : This method has one person speak at a time, and the other listen. The listener must engage in active listening, repeating back what they've heard.
• Use "I" statements : You might say, "I feel sad when we don't spend time together," instead of, "You never spend time with me." This technique may help remove the blame and defensiveness from a conversation and, instead, shift the focus to feelings.

Some marriage problems could be solved if each partner pays more attention to their unproductive habits and works toward changing them.

People don't always make a conscious decision to argue over petty things, nag and be critical, or leave messes for the other to clean, for example. They get busy, stress builds, and they go on autopilot. Then, they find themselves following the same patterns they hadn't realized they were choosing in the first place.

Some habits you or your partner might've developed that actually take a toll on the relationship could be:

Changing Yourself to Please Your Partner

Of course, if your partner encourages you to quit smoking or take advantage of new opportunities, change can be good. But if you feel like you have to be an entirely different person for your partner, chances are you need to reevaluate the relationship.

Dr. Romanoff weighs in: "Making personal changes should always be a net positive. This means changes in one aspect of the self or relationship should ultimately create more positive collectively in the relationship and for each person."

You should never change yourself in ways that are hurting you or exclusively for the happiness of your partner because this isn't sustainable. Either the change can't be maintained or you will become so resentful that it will manifest in additional problems.

Disrespecting Your Partner

Married couples often get in the habit of nagging, criticizing, or even name-calling or yelling at each other. If this is the case, it's time to set boundaries regarding how you communicate with each other.

Neglecting Your Own Life

Being in a marriage sometimes means we get complacent—but you should still be able to have your own sense of self—hobbies, friends, and routines—that will bring joy to your own life and allow you to be an even better partner.

"We need a little healthy insecurity in our relationships to revitalize them. That comes from investing in situations and experiences outside of your relationship. Cultivate your own passions, and bring that energy back into your relationship," says Dr. Romanoff.

Projecting Your Emotions

Your partner shouldn't be your punching bag. Though we might get used to yelling at them when we're angry about something else entirely, behavior like this is often a sign we need to work on our own emotional regulation and develop healthy outlets instead.

Seeking Constant Reassurance

Though it's OK to want reassurance from your partner from time to time, constantly needing them to tell you they love you or that you are great at your job could be a sign that you should address the deeper insecurities within yourself.

Snooping on Your Partner

Trust is one of the most important parts of marriage. Your marriage may have underlying problems if you find that you're checking your partner's texts or emails. If you are suspicious that they're cheating, for instance, it's best to address this directly with your partner or in therapy.

A Word From Verywell

Fortunately, many marriage problems can be worked on—even if only one partner is consciously trying to change, any change can bring a shift in the dynamic of the relationship, which can bring positive results.

However, some relationship problems are more complex. For instance, it may help to address issues like substance use, loss of trust, violence, or simply growing apart in couples therapy or marriage counseling .

A therapist can help you and your partner navigate these problems; therapy can also help you decide whether or not to end a problematic relationship. Either way, the help of a mental health professional can give you the emotional support you need.

Harvard Health Publishing. The health benefits of marriage .

American Psychological Association. Happy couples: How to avoid money arguments .

Radó, M.K. Tracking the effects of parenthood on subjective well-being: Evidence from Hungary .  J Happiness Stud.  2020;21:2069–2094. doi:10.1007/s10902-019-00166-y

Newkirk K, Perry-Jenkins M, Sayer AG. Division of household and childcare labor and relationship conflict among low-income new parents .  Sex Roles . 2017;76(5):319-333. doi:10.1007/s11199-016-0604-3

Badri, M., Al Nuaimi, A., Guang, Y. et al.  The effects of home and school on children’s happiness: a structural equation model .  ICEP. 2018;12(17). doi:10.1186/s40723-018-0056-z

Timmons AC, Arbel R, Margolin G. Daily patterns of stress and conflict in couples: Associations with marital aggression and family-of-origin aggression .  J Fam Psychol . 2017;31(1):93-104. doi:10.1037/fam0000227

Lavner JA, Clark MA. Workload and marital satisfaction over time: Testing lagged spillover and crossover effects during the newlywed years .  J Vocat Behav . 2017;101:67-76. doi:10.1016/j.jvb.2017.05.002

American Psychological Association. How to keep your relationship healthy .

du Plooy K, de Beer R. Effective interactions: Communication and high levels of marital satisfaction . Journal of Psychology in Africa . 2018;28(2):161-167. doi:10.1080/14330237.2018.1435041

James-Kangal N, Whitton SW. Speaker-listener technique in couple and family therapy . Encyclopedia of Couple and Family Therapy . 2019:2757-2763. doi:10.1007/978-3-319-49425-8_97

Rogers SL, Howieson J, Neame C. I understand you feel that way, but I feel this way: the benefits of I-language and communicating perspective during conflict .  PeerJ . 2018;6:e4831. doi:10.7717/peerj.4831

Ahluwalia H, Anand T, Suman LN. Marital and family therapy .  Indian J Psychiatry . 2018;60(Suppl 4):S501-S505. doi:10.4103/psychiatry.IndianJPsychiatry_19_18

By Elizabeth Scott, PhD Elizabeth Scott, PhD is an author, workshop leader, educator, and award-winning blogger on stress management, positive psychology, relationships, and emotional wellbeing.

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The Healthy Marriage

Build a Better Marriage One Step at a Time

Practical Solutions To Marriage Problems: 9 Simple Steps To Solve Issues Fast

March 2, 2022 By Editorial Staff - Reviewed by Joseph Nolan

Relationship conflict can be difficult. But there are practical solutions to marriage problems. In this article, we will discuss nine of the most common solutions to marriage conflict.

This post contains some affiliate links to products that I use and love. If you click through and make a purchase, I’ll earn a commission, at no additional cost to you. Read my full disclosure  here .

In This Article

Austin and Jasmine Learn to Resolve Issues

Austin and Jasmine were like most couples. They got married right out of college. Jasmine got pregnant with their first child two years into the marriage. Austin’s job required lots of travel.

After 10 years, things were starting to fall apart. They were fighting more and more, and it seemed like they were growing further and further apart.

One night, they had a huge argument that led to a full-blown fight. They were screaming and yelling at each other, and it seemed like things were about to get physical.

Finally, they both decided that it was time to find solutions to their marriage problems. They agreed to separate for a month. They didn’t want to divorce, but they knew they couldn’t continue down the path they were on.

They both needed to learn different skills that would help them work through their issues. It was a long and difficult road, but eventually, they were able to repair their marriage and find the happiness that they had once had.

The nine things listed in this article were the starting point for Austin and Jasmine. Applying these practical, common-sense principles helped them get back on track so they could rebuild their relationship.

Nine Practical Solutions To Marriage Problems

No one enters into a marriage expecting it to fail, but unfortunately, many do. If you’re experiencing problems in your marriage, don’t give up hope.

There are ways to resolve these issues and save your marriage . Here are nine practical steps to help you do just that:

• 1. Communication is key.

Successful couples know how to communicate. They not only understand why communication is important, but they have also learned skills that help them navigate difficult issues .

Talk to your spouse about what’s bothering you and try to come to a resolution .

Marriage conflicts can be resolved through effective communication. This means that both spouses need to be able to openly express their thoughts and feelings, listen to each other, and be willing to compromise. If one spouse is not able to communicate effectively, the conflict will likely continue to escalate.

One problem that can often arise in marriage is that spouses may not feel heard or understood. This can lead to resentment and frustration.

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Effective communication can help to resolve these issues by providing a forum for both spouses to share their thoughts and feelings. It is also important for spouses to be able to listen to each other. This means that they should pay attention to what the other person is saying, and try to understand their point of view.

This can be difficult, especially if one spouse is feeling angry or frustrated. However, it is important to remember that listening is not the same as agreeing with the other person.

Finally, spouses need to be willing to compromise. This means that they should be willing to meet each other halfway, and not insist on getting their own way. Compromise can be difficult, but it is often the key to resolving conflicts.

2. Don’t keep your feelings bottled up. If something is wrong, talk about it.

Emotions are a natural part of life, and it’s important to express them in a healthy way. Bottling them up can lead to all sorts of problems, so it’s important to talk about them openly and honestly.

Bottling up your feelings can lead to all sorts of problems, such as depression, anxiety, and even physical health problems.

If something is wrong, talk about it with someone you trust. Talking openly and honestly about your feelings can help you feel better and can help you resolve any problems you may be having. Bottling our emotions can also lead to us lashing out at others.

If we’re bottling up our anger , for example, we may end up taking our frustration out on the people around us. This can damage our relationships and make it harder for us to deal with our emotions in a healthy way. Talking about our feelings can also help us to better understand them.

When we talk about our feelings, we can start to see patterns in the way we react to certain situations. This can help us to better manage our emotions in the future.

3. Try to understand your spouse’s point of view, even if you don’t agree with it.

When your spouse has a different opinion than you do, it’s important to try to understand where they’re coming from. Even if you don’t agree with their point of view, it’s helpful to have an understanding of why they think the way they do. This can help to avoid conflict and promote better communication.

This is why empathy is so important. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. When you empathize with your spouse, you’re showing them that you care about their feelings and that you’re willing to try to see things from their point of view. It’s not always easy to do, but it can help to strengthen your relationship.

Agreement on big issues is necessary for a marriage to work. But it is okay to disagree on smaller issues. In fact, it’s healthy for couples to have different interests and to see the world in different ways. It’s important to remember that you’re not always going to agree with your spouse, and that’s okay. As long as you’re able to respect their opinions and communicate effectively, you’ll be able to handle any disagreement that comes your way.

Here are three simple steps to make sure you handle disagreements right:

• Listen to your spouse
• Acknowledge their feelings
• Respond with love and acceptance

If you can follow these steps, you’ll be able to resolve any disagreement in a healthy way.

• 4. Make time for each other. Dedicate time each day to spend with your spouse, without distractions.

Spending time with your spouse should be a priority in your relationship. Dedicating time each day to spend with your spouse without distractions can help strengthen your relationship. This time can be used for talking, spending time together, or just being in the same room. It is important to make time for each other to connect and strengthen your relationship.

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We know time together is a key to making marriage strong, but what about when life throws you curve balls?

What if you don’t have time to spend together because of work, kids, or other obligations?

That’s where date nights come in.

Date nights are a great way to reconnect with your spouse and have some uninterrupted time together. They don’t have to be expensive or extravagant, but they should be something that you look forward to and make time for.

Some ideas for date nights include:

• Picnic dinner in the park
• Watching a movie at home
• A night out at your favorite restaurant
• Hiking or biking together
• A weekend getaway

No matter what you do, the important thing is that you make time for each other and focus on your relationship. Date nights are a great way to do that!

• 5. Be affectionate. Show your spouse that you still care by being physically affectionate.

When it comes to physical affection , there are countless benefits to being physically close to your spouse.

For one, it feels good. Human beings are wired for touch and when we are physically close to someone we love, it releases oxytocin, which is often called the “cuddle hormone” because it makes us feel happy, content, and safe.

Physical affection can also help to strengthen your bond as a couple. In a study published in the Journal of Personal Relationships , researchers found that couples who were physically affectionate with each other were more likely to report being satisfied with their relationship.

Physical affection can also help to reduce stress and anxiety. In a study published in the Journal of Health Psychology , researchers found that couples who engaged in more physical affection had lower levels of cortisol, a hormone that is released in response to stress.

So why is physical affection so important? Because it feels good, it strengthens your relationship, and it reduces stress . What’s not to love?

• 6. Be forgiving. If your spouse makes a mistake, forgive them.

It is important to be forgiving of your spouse when they make a mistake because it is key to maintaining a healthy and happy relationship. When one partner forgives the other for their transgressions, it creates a feeling of trust and allows for the relationship to move forward.

Holding onto resentment and anger will only damage the relationship and hinder its growth. Forgiving your spouse is also beneficial to your own mental and emotional health, as it allows you to move on from the mistake and focus on the positive aspects of your relationship.

Ultimately, forgiveness is a choice that we make and it is one that can have a profound impact on our relationships. When we forgive our spouse for their mistakes, it allows us to rebuild trust and connection, and ultimately strengthens the relationship.

There are little known keys and principles for communcating in a way that makes you feel bonded and close to your spouse. We cover them in our Communication Bootcamp. >> Click here to learn more <<

Forging Deep Connections

Download this FREE eBook and discover how to create a deep connection with your spouse! You’ll learn:

• 5 Things to Test How Connected You Are
• Things to Consider If You Want Deep Connection
• How to Improve Your Listening Skills
• Asking the Right Questions
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• …And so much more!

7. Don’t criticize. If you don’t like something your spouse does, try to talk to them about it in a constructive way.

When you’re married, you’re not just living with your spouse, you’re living with their quirks too. And, sometimes, those quirks can drive you crazy. Maybe your spouse leaves their clothes all over the place, or maybe they’re always forgetting to do the dishes. Whatever it is, if you don’t like something your spouse does, it can be tough to keep quiet about it.

But, before you start airing your grievances, it’s important to try to talk to your spouse about it in a constructive way . That means avoiding name-calling, insults, and other forms of negativity. Instead, try to talk to them about how their behavior makes you feel, and see if you can come up with a solution together. Of course, this can be easier said than done.

If you’ve been having the same argument over and over again, it’s likely that there’s some underlying issue that needs to be addressed. In that case, it might be helpful to use a program like Mend The Marriage which can help you and your spouse communicate better and work through your issues.

No matter what, it’s important to remember that, as frustrating as your spouse’s quirks can be, they’re still a part of who they are. And, ultimately, you love them for who they are, quirks and all.

8. Don’t try to change your spouse. Accept them for who they are.

There are many reasons why you should not try to change your spouse. First and foremost, it is important to remember that you cannot change anyone but yourself . If you try to change your spouse, you will only be met with frustration and resentment.

Additionally, it is important to respect your spouse’s autonomy and independence . If you try to change them, you are essentially telling them that you do not trust them to make their own decisions. This can be very damaging to your relationship and can lead to resentment and mistrust.

Lastly, trying to change your spouse can be a sign of a lack of self-confidence. If you do not feel good about yourself, it can be tempting to try to change your spouse in order to make them more like you. However, this is not a healthy way to approach a relationship.

Ultimately, you should love your spouse for who they are, not for who you want them to be.

9. Seek help if needed. If you’re having trouble resolving a problem, seek professional help.

Most problems couples face are common marriage difficulties. At some point, most couples experience marriage issues. When those issues escalate, it’s time to shift gears and get professional help.

Going to a professional to help with your marriage problems may seem like a daunting task, but it can be one of the best decisions you ever make. A professional can help you and your spouse understand the issues you are facing and work to resolve them.

There are many different types of professionals who can help with marriage problems, including therapists, counselors, and psychologists. It is important to find one who is qualified and experienced in helping couples work through their issues.

When you meet with the professional, be prepared to discuss what is going on in your marriage. They will likely ask a lot of questions about your relationship and about the problems you are experiencing. It is important to be honest and open with them, as this will help them to provide the best possible help.

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The professional will likely give you both some exercises to do at home in order to help resolve the issues you are facing. They may also recommend that you attend couples counseling sessions.

If you are feeling overwhelmed or hopeless about your marriage, please do not hesitate to seek professional help. It can be the start of a journey towards a happy and healthy relationship.

Final Thoughts On Practical Solutions To Marriage Problems

No marriage is perfect, and even the best ones will experience problems from time to time. However, by following these nine practical steps, you can help resolve any marriage problems you may be experiencing.

• 2. Don’t keep your feelings bottled up. If something is wrong, talk about it.
• 3. Try to understand your spouse’s point of view, even if you don’t agree with it.
• 7. Don’t criticize. If you don’t like something your spouse does, try to talk to them about it in a constructive way.
• 8. Don’t try to change your spouse. Accept them for who they are.
• 9. Seek help if needed. If you’re having trouble resolving a problem, seek professional help.

What’s Next?

Marriage Repair Handbook

What’s Include:

• Why  conflict is not always bad , but here’s how to deal with it if is.
• How to use the  30 minute rule  to minimize potential conflicts
• How to reignite physical intimacy; why it  increases your sense of connection
• The six intimacy killers and  how to address them in a healthy way
• How to  move past your past  so you can enjoy your future
• A list of  ‘Immediate Impact Actions’ you can do starting today  that will change your relationship
• And  so much more

Read More on this Topic:

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Marriage Problems? Here's an 8-Step Rescue Plan

Looking back, was your marriage once happier than it is now.

Posted March 18, 2013 | Reviewed by Devon Frye

• Making Marriage Work
• Find a marriage therapist near me
• Marriage problems should not be ignored.
• Steps to address problems include making a list of your disagreements and learning how to express your concerns constructively.
• It’s also important to learn to make decisions cooperatively and increase positive energy toward your partner.

Am I Heading for a Bad Marriage? My Spouse Is So Annoying By Susan Heitler Ph.D.

Marriage problems need fixing, not ignoring.

I am a psychologist who specializes in marriage rescue for couples facing marital problems. When couples first contact me for help with their marriage, they typically feel distressed—even hopeless—about their relationship. If they can look back and remember good times that occurred earlier in their partnership, however, that usually signals that the marriage can be saved. In fact, this kind of marriage still has the potential to become exactly the kind of partnership the couple had hoped for when they said, "I do."

What transitions couples from desperation about their difficulties to delight in sharing their lives together? Here’s the 8-step pathway along which I guide my therapy clients—and which you are welcome to take as well.

1. Make a list of all the issues about which you have disagreements.

This includes the issues that you refrain from talking about out of fear that talking might lead to arguing. Your self-help treatment will be complete when you have both found mutually agreeable solutions to all of these issues and have learned the skills to resolve new issues as they arise with similarly win-win solutions.

If the list seems interminable because you fight about everything—from where you should live to the time of day—odds are, the problem is less that you are facing some extraordinarily challenging differences; rather, it's more likely that your manner of talking with each other needs a major upgrade.

2. Fix your focus solidly on yourself .

Attempts to get your partner to change invite defensiveness. No one likes being told they're doing things wrong—or, far worse, that they are a bad person. It's better by far for both of you to each use your energies and intelligence to figure out what YOU could do differently.

Here's a question that can get you started: What would enable you to stay loving and good-humored even if the frustrating pieces in your spouse’s repertoire never get an upgrade? That's how to become “self-centered” in the best sense. If both of you are seeking to facilitate your own upgrades, the marriage will blossom.

3. Cut the crap.

Pardon my language. But the point is that negative muck that you give each other is totally unhelpful. It only taints a positive relationship. That means no more criticism, complaints, blame, accusations, anger , sarcasm, mean digs, snide remarks…get it?

No more anger escalations either. Stay in the calm zone. Exit early and often if either of you is beginning to get heated. Learn to calm yourself, and then re-engage cooperatively.

Research psychologist John Gottman has found that marriages generally survive if the ratio of good to bad interactions is 5 to 1. Do you want to barely survive? Or do you want to save the marriage in a way that will make it thrive? If thriving is your goal, aim for 100,000,000:1. That means: don’t sling mud at all. Cut the crap.

4. Learn how to express concerns constructively .

A simple way to do that in sensitive conversations is to stick with the following sentence-starter options. In my clinical work, I give couples a handout that includes these starter phrases. I encourage them to use the handout frequently, checking how to start each comment that might be sensitive or on topics that they know could be prickly. Please feel free to download the full 6-sentence-starters guide; click here and scroll down .

• I feel... [followed by a one-word feeling such as " anxious ," "sad," etc.]
• My concern is…
• I would like to… [note: NEVER use "I would like you to…"]
• How would you feel about that? or What are your thoughts on that?

5. Learn how to make decisions cooperatively .

I call collaborative decision-making the “win-win waltz.” Win-win decision-making aims for a plan of action that pleases you both. No more insistence designed to “get your way.” Instead, when you have differences, quietly express your underlying concerns, listen calmly to understand your partner’s concerns, and then create a solution that's responsive to both of your concerns.

Practice this skillset on all the issues you listed in step 1. You may be amazed to discover that, even on issues that seemed intractable, you will be able to co-create solutions that will work for both of you.

6. Eliminate the three A’s that ruin marriages.

A ffairs, A ddictions, and excessive A nger are deal-breakers. They are out-of-bounds in a healthy marriage. Fix the habit—or it's game over.

If you or your spouse has these problems, saving this kind of marriage could be a mistaken goal. Better to end a marriage than to continue a marriage with these hurtful habits. Better yet is for each of you to figure out what you can do differently in the future. The one with the A-habit needs to figure out how to end it. The partner needs to heal, and also to learn alternatives to tolerating the habit.

Most importantly, especially if you have children who need you to learn how to be more emotionally healthy as individuals and as a couple, is for the two of you both to commit to building a new kind of marriage.

That is, end the old marriage. Build a new one with the same partner. Build a marriage where there are zero affairs, addictions, or excessive anger and instead, abounding love and trust.

7. Radically increase the positive energies you give your partner.

Smile more. Touch more. Hug more. More “eye kisses.” More sex . More shared time and shared projects. More appreciation. More dwelling on what you like about your partner.

Respond more often with agreement in response to things your partner says that in the past you might have answered with, “But...” Listening is loving—especially when you are listening to take in information, not to show what's wrong with what your partner says or to show that you know more.

Help out more. Give more praise and more gratitude . Do more fun activities together. Laugh and joke more, do new things, and go new places together.

The best things in life really are free. And the more positives you give, the more you’ll get. I wrote above about Gottman's 5:1 ratio. Increasing the positives is every bit as important as decreasing negatives to hit a 100,000,000:1 ratio.

8. Look back at your parents' marriage and assess its strengths and weaknesses. Decide what you want to do differently.

When people marry, they bring along a recording in their head of how their parents treated each other, as well as how they were treated by their parents. These relationships are where folks learn patterns of interacting for intimate relationships. Decide consciously what to keep from your folks and what to do differently.

Ready to Get Started?

Would you expect to drive a car without first taking drivers’ ed? Search out books and marriage courses to learn the communication and conflict resolution skills for marriage partnership. Then in addition to ending your marriage problems, you’ll make your partnership a loving success.

(c) Susan Heitler, Ph.D.

Susan Heitler, Ph.D ., is the author of many books, including From Conflict to Resolution and The Power of Two . She is a graduate of Harvard University and New York University.

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12 Strategies to Cope with Common Marriage Problems

Last Updated: January 20, 2024 Fact Checked

This article was written by Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC and by wikiHow staff writer, Hannah Madden . Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF). There are 15 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page. This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources. This article has been viewed 31,548 times.

When you’re dealing with problems in your marriage, it can sometimes feel like you’re all alone. Fortunately, there are many ways you can communicate with your spouse and come up with solutions to solve your problems together. We’ve compiled a list of ways you can cope with your marriage problems to talk with your partner and work toward fixing your relationship, one step at a time. This article is based on an interview with our licensed marriage and family therapist, Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Check out the full interview here.

Communicate about issues in your relationship.

• You can bring up issues in the relationship by saying something like, “Hey honey, could we sit down and talk later this evening? I have a few things I’d like to chat with you about, just to make sure we’re on the same page.”

Focus on one issue at a time.

• For example, if you want to talk about your intimacy (or lack thereof) but also about your stress levels, pick one and save the other for a different time.

Try to understand your partner’s perspective.

• Show that you’re listening to your partner by asking follow-up questions like, “Interesting. Can you tell me more?” or, “I’m not sure I understand. Could you explain that again?”

Come up with solutions together.

• For instance, if the issue is that you feel you do more chores around the house than your spouse does, you might create a chore list that you both work on throughout the week. That way, you can both see how many chores the two of you are doing, and you both feel like you’re equally contributing to the household.

Accept the things you can’t change about your partner.

• For example, maybe you like to clean up the house at the end of each day, while your partner prefers to do a big cleanup at the end of the week. You two might discuss this a lot over your relationship, but it’s not necessarily a bad thing—it’s just a difference in preferences.

Forgive your partner if you can.

• Remember that forgiveness isn’t telling your partner that their actions are okay—it’s allowing yourself to move on instead of hanging onto old feelings.

Divide household tasks.

• It might help to make a list of what the both of you do day by day. That way, you can see how many tasks each of you are doing throughout the week.

Talk about your parenting styles.

• You could say something like, “I think it’s important that we talk about how we’ll raise our child. Do you want to discuss some things with me?”

Show love to your partner every day.

• It helps if you know your partner’s love language . For instance, if their love language is physical touch, they might appreciate a shoulder rub or a massage. Or, if their love language is acts of service, you might do some chores around the house.

Make romance part of your daily life.

• Have breakfast in bed together
• Surprise your partner with small gifts
• Plan a weekend getaway trip
• Give your partner compliments
• Have a candlelit dinner at home

Remind yourself of your partner’s positive qualities.

• If it helps, you could even make a physical list on paper to look at every time you need a pick-me-up. For instance, your list might say: makes me breakfast on Sundays, is a great parent, is very patient with the kids, is an awesome cook.

Work on yourself.

• For instance, if you and your spouse often fight when you have to stay late at work, you may be dedicating too much time to your job and not enough time for your spouse. You could work on that by reevaluating your schedule and prioritizing quality time with your partner.

Commit 100% to your spouse.

• It’s not uncommon to start looking for a “way out” of the marriage when things get tough. Keep in mind, though, that almost all long-term relationships go through rough patches at one point or another, and most of them make it through to the other side.

Focus on other things that make you happy.

• You can also focus on self-care and do things that don’t take much time at all. Spend 10 to 15 minutes soaking in a bubble bath, reading a good book, taking a walk, or listening to music.

Go to couple’s counseling if you need to.

• A couple’s counselor can also give you real, concrete tips to help you work through your specific problems as a couple.

How Do You Save Your Marriage?

Expert Q&A

You might also like.

• ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 18 September 2019.
• ↑ Jin S. Kim, MA. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.
• ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.
• ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication
• ↑ Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C. Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical. Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.
• ↑ https://smartcouples.ifas.ufl.edu/media/smartcouplesifasufledu/docs/pdfs/10-Rules-for-Constructive-Conflict.pdf
• ↑ https://newsroom.ucla.edu/releases/Keys-to-Happier-Marriage-Include-652
• ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/images/uploads/Fincham-Forgiveness_in_Marriage_and_Future_Directions.pdf
• ↑ https://www.npr.org/2022/09/16/1123560719/splitting-chores-partner-roommate
• ↑ https://www.parentingcounts.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/information-for-parents-parenting-styles.pdf
• ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/10_pillars_of_a_strong_relationship
• ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/stop-playing-the-blame-game-take-responsibility-in-your-relationship/
• ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/when_are_you_sacrificing_too_much_in_your_relationship
• ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-survive-in-an-unhappy-marriage-and-thrive#survival-tips
• ↑ https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/could-your-marriage-benefit-from-counseling

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10 Common Marriage Problems That Couples Face And How To Solve Them

Despite what you may have been told or seen, there is no such thing as a perfect marriage; however, couples can learn how to keep their marital problems to a minimum by being proactive about problem-solving and communication. This article will cover some of the most common marital problems that can be faced even in the strongest, healthiest relationships. Tips to handle these issues will also be discussed so that you can build a foundation of trust, respect, and teamwork within your own relationship.

Relationships are often exciting in the beginning because there’s a lot of time spent going on dates and getting to know one another. After spending so much time with one another, though, it can be easy to fall into a state of boredom or even loneliness. Many couples fall into habits and routines and stop being adventurous after a few years of marriage. When boredom causes you and your spouse to stop growing or being intentional with one another, that’s when it can become a problem. 

One of the easiest solutions for boredom is to start shaking things up; put simply, go out and try new things. You can start small; for example, maybe you can dedicate one day out of the week to enjoy the outdoors together or go to the movies. However, keep in mind that these can eventually become routines as well, so make sure you come up with new ideas on how to switch up activities. 

Another solution is to have more interesting conversations with your partner. Ask one another about your days and try to be intentional about making time for each other and asking questions. Get curious about each other because you’ll both be changing and growing for a lifetime. Commit to getting to know your spouse all over again every day. 

Getting things done around the house

One of the most common things couples fight about is who is (or isn’t) picking up the slack with household chores. While this problem often has underlying issues, it can also be one of the most solvable issues. While no one wants to have to do chores after coming home from a long day at work, someone must do it, and if one person feels that they are the only one keeping the house clean, this can create tension between partners.

This problem can be resolved by dividing and organizing tasks and agreeing on when they will get done. Some couples prefer to clean a little bit each day, while others designate a day out of the week to get all the chores done. You and your partner can make a chart together and cross things off as the chores get completed. Visual aids, like a chart, can also help keep you both accountable since you both can see what has and hasn't been done. If you have kids, this can be even easier, since you may have more hands to help around the house. No matter what system you and your spouse come up with, what matters is that you’re on the same page. 

A lack of intimacy

Intimacy refers to the physical and emotional bond you share with your partner. When emotional intimacy is lacking in your relationship, it often affects how physical you are with one another. Intimacy issues are common in a marriage, but they can have serious consequences on the relationship. Often, they happen gradually, rather than suddenly; however, you may also experience dry spells here and there. This is normal and can happen in response to illness, stress, or taking medication, to name a few.

Since intimacy issues often arise because of an emotional disconnect between partners, it can be important to practice open and honest communication to get to the root of the issue. Getting the spark back in your marriage is possible, but it can take time and effort on the part of both spouses. Letting your partner know they’re appreciated, cuddling with them, giving them hugs and kisses, and incorporating touch throughout the day can all be ways to start building intimacy in your marriage. Talking to a sex therapist or couples counselor could also be helpful if you feel you can’t get through to your partner on your own. 

Financial issues

Whether it involves losing a job, dining out too much, or one spouse spending more than the other in a marriage, financial troubles can rear their ugly head. Some situations might be out of your control (i.e., slow business), whereas others can be entirely preventable.

If you and your spouse have different ideas about money, it can be important to sit down and have a conversation about it. This can promote empathy and a greater understanding of one another’s perspectives. Creating a budget can also be helpful. Whether you and your spouse have a joint account or keep your funds separate, it’s possible to create a system that works for both of you. Talking with a financial advisor could also be beneficial if you can’t agree on a plan going forward.

Different core values and morals

Having a difference in values and beliefs is an issue that is frequently seen in cross-cultural marriages,  especially in regard to religion . These beliefs can be ingrained in us from a very young age through our parents and upbringing, and we can hold onto them for the rest of our lives and feel strongly about them. As a result, this can create problems in the marriage, particularly if your spouse does not respect your values. Sometimes, this problem can be as straightforward as feeling alone when going to a place of worship. For example, one partner may go to church while the non-religious partner stays at home. These issues can arise when trying to raise your kids, and disagreements can come up regarding how they should think and behave.

Even if you and your partner disagree on core values and morals, it is still possible to have a healthy, loving marriage. First, it can be important to discuss why your disagreement is a point of tension in your marriage. Every couple has differences, but that doesn’t mean they must become a source of conflict. If your differing values are affecting how each of you wants to live, raise children, spend money, etc., it can be important to listen and try to understand your partner. Although their way of doing things may not seem right to you at first, perhaps it’s something you can come to terms with and accept. Maybe you can even see where they’re coming from and agree to try things their way. Marriage can be about compromise and give and take, but it must come from both parties. 

An overbearing partner might ask too many questions, such as "Who are you talking to?" "How do you know them?" and "Why are they talking to you?" This can create a lot of stress and tension in the relationship, which can eventually cause it to end if it is not addressed. Even with enough reassurance on your part, your partner’s jealousy may not go away. 

The insecurity that often comes with a jealous partner may need to be resolved with the help of a therapist. While you can be reassuring and supportive of your partner, you cannot fix the issues they’re dealing with yourself. Leave that work to a professional and try to be there for your partner as they make changes to promote a healthier relationship. 

Excessive arguing

Arguments and disagreements can be a normal part of a marriage. After all, two unique individuals are coexisting with one another and spend the majority of their time together. This is bound to create problems at some point. Arguing in and of itself is not necessarily concerning. However, it can become a problem when the arguments are frequent and intense. 

Successful marriages are built on effective communication and the ability to repair after conflict. If you and your partner are consistently arguing and struggling to mend your relationship after fights, it could signal a communication issue. Namely, you and your spouse may not know how to dissolve tension, talk about things productively, and compromise. The ability of each of you to handle conflict and move past it can be an indicator of how healthy the relationship is. If excessive arguing is getting in the way of your marriage, speaking to a professional could be beneficial. Learning effective communication skills could help turn the marriage around.

Being in different stages of life

Growing apart can be a sign that you and your spouse have drifted apart physically as well as mentally. For example, in a physical sense, a couple that has a significant age gap in their relationship may start to want something more out of their partner. One might want kids, while the other doesn’t. One may want to travel the world, while the other wants to settle down. However, this can also happen with people who are around the same age, especially those who marry young. Despite being the same age, people mature at different rates, and this can inevitably lead to personality differences and incompatibility issues.

If you find that you and your spouse are in different stages of life, it can be important to discuss what you each want out of the relationship. Not being open and honest about your desires and needs can breed resentment , which can erode the foundation of the marriage. Many times, you can each find a middle ground to promote contentment and satisfaction within the relationship.  

Family influence

With the merging of two different families, it’s likely that not everyone will get along. Perhaps you have a father-in-law who doesn't like you because you don't make enough money, or your sister-in-law loves to gossip about your marriage to everyone. These kinds of things can happen, and you can't change what others think, but by talking to your spouse, you can reduce how they impact your marriage. 

It can be important for you and your spouse to prioritize your marriage and put it first. While there’s nothing wrong with getting advice or input from other family members, ultimately, decisions must be made by you and your partner since you two are creating a unique life together. Setting boundaries with family members can also be helpful. Boundaries tell others how you expect to be treated and what topics are off-limits. You can use them anytime you feel someone is overstepping some aspect of your marriage. 

Infidelity can occur for several different reasons, including some of the ones mentioned in this list already. For example, feeling bored and having no intimacy can tempt people to cheat on their spouses. In fact, it is estimated that anywhere from 20 to 25 percent of men and 10 to 15 percent of women will have an extramarital affair. While there is no excuse for cheating, there are factors that can contribute to it.

Some couples can work through infidelity, while others cannot. When cheating has taken place, there is likely to be some type of fallout in the relationship, and it can be difficult to rebuild the trust that was broken. Open communication, honesty, vulnerability, and a recommitment to making the relationship work can all be helpful in restoring the marriage. Therapy can also be instrumental in overcoming issues with infidelity. 

Online counseling for marriage problems

You don’t have to wait until your marriage is on the brink of divorce before deciding to get help. Instead, you can begin online couples counseling with a licensed marriage therapist to begin getting the support you and your spouse need. At Regain , you can connect with a therapist regardless of the type and severity of the issue you’re facing. Counseling can give couples the tools they need to identify the issues in their marriage and communicate effectively to solve them. You and your spouse may have demanding schedules because of your children or careers, which can make it difficult to find the care you need. With online counseling, you can chat with a therapist 24/7 right from home, which may help solve the time-constraint issues you’re facing. Reach out whenever you both feel ready to start repairing your marriage. 

The efficacy of online counseling for marital troubles

Experiencing problems in marriage is normal, but successful, long-lasting unions are such because these couples know how to move past obstacles together. Couples having difficulties with marital issues could benefit from online counseling, according to one study. In a web-based intervention utilizing integrative behavioral couple therapy (IBCT), researchers found that couples were able to recognize the issues in their relationship and then take steps together to correct them, ultimately bringing the couple closer by increasing their understanding of one another . IBCT is an approach that helps couples make improvements in their relationship by becoming more accepting of the flaws and negative aspects present within it. Over time, this acceptance can lead to positive changes in the relationship. 

Understanding some of the common problems that can harm a marriage may be useful if you’re married, thinking about getting married, or considering dating or entering a relationship. While couples may experience some of the same issues, how they work through them can vary. Effective communication, vulnerability, and the willingness to work through problems can be vital for maintaining a strong, healthy union. Marital problems can be challenging to overcome, but they’re not impossible to move past when you have the right support. By connecting with a marriage or couples therapist, you can learn how to address issues in a healthy way and repair your relationship to get it back on track.

What are the top 5 conflict problems for couples? What are the signs of a failed marriage? What causes marriage problems?

What are the 3 most important things in a marriage what do married couples fight about most what will destroy a marriage what are the signs of an unhappy husband what are the 5 pillars of marriage why do couples split up when should you leave a marriage, why is physical intimacy important in every marriage, when is a prenup necessary, how does infidelity impact marriage, what is the hardest thing to tackle in marriage, how do you successfully overcome conflicts in marriage.

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10 Strategies to Help Solve Your Marriage Problems

Travis atkinson.

September 17, 2021

Table of Contents

All relationships and marriages go through periods when they face problems. The secret to a healthy and growing relationship is your ability to overcome these problems. The moment you turn your back on your relationship when you encounter marital issues, it will quickly fall into despair. Solving marriage problems will not only make your relationship healthier, but also more resilient.

10 Top Strategies for Solving Marital Problems

All couples have problems, but not every couple is able to work through them. These are the top strategies to solve your marriage problems, no matter what it is that is causing the troubles.

1. Communicate, communicate, communicate

Communication is the secret to a lasting relationship. All healthy and happy marriages keep their communication lines open.

If you are trying to solve your marital problems, you should not stop communicating with your spouse. Openly discuss the issues you are having so that you can come up with a resolution together. If you just sweep it under a rug, it will only develop into something more serious in the long run. 

2. Recognize when you’re in a gridlock

One of the most common hurdles to solving marriage problems is when you and your partner don’t see eye to eye when it comes to your marital issues. One spouse is willing to discuss the problem and the other doesn’t find it a big deal. 

When you’ve reached an impasse, it’s important to take a break. Forcing your opinion on things won’t change the situation. By taking a break, you allow time for each of you to put things in perspective.

3. Express yourself constructively 

When you are in an argument with your spouse, it is easy to let your emotions take over. You could end up saying hurtful things that only worsen the problem instead of fixing them. Try to avoid this route whenever possible. 

When discussing your marital problems, focus on being constructive. It is also important to stay on-topic and not to bring up previous issues. 

4. Break the curse of familiarity

Married couples that have been together for a long time have this false belief that they know each other deeply. However, this can often be the root of the problem in a relationship. 

Never stop asking questions or attempting to get to know your partner. This will help you understand their needs better and help avoid conflict, or understand their perspective when it comes to discussing issues within your marriage. 

There will be less conflict in your relationship if you know where your partner is coming from.

5. Make decisions together

When you are solving marriage problems, you need to approach them together and decide on the best solution as a couple. One spouse cannot be authoritarian and make decisions for the both of you. In fact, this is something that causes marriage problems in the first place. 

By making decisions together, you can both be at ease knowing that you’ve considered your partner’s feelings and concerns. Avoid the urge to insist on what you want or doing things your way. Keep an open mind and encourage your spouse to voice their opinion.

If things start to get heated between you in an argument, think of ways to deescalate the conflict and try to keep things light.

6. Acknowledge your spouse’s feelings

Have you ever experienced opening up about your feelings and then having those feelings shut down or dismissed? It’s not a good feeling. It makes you feel undervalued and unnoticed. 

You don’t want your spouse to feel this way. If you are trying to resolve conflict within your marriage, you need to encourage one another. Give your spouse a chance to speak up and make their feelings known. Even if you don’t agree with them, don’t dismiss their feelings. Instead, try to put yourself in their shoes and understand why they feel that way. Look at what you can do to address those feelings. That is what couples in healthy marriages do. 

7. Understand that it’s not a competition

It is not uncommon for spouses to feel the need to ‘win’ an argument. It feeds their ego and makes them feel good about themselves when they prove their spouse wrong about certain things. 

You should not solve your marital problems with this kind of attitude. Often, if you win an argument, your relationship loses. This should not be about who wins or loses; focus on fixing issues in your marriage so you can both be happy and healthy. 

8. Keep a positive attitude

This might sound like an obvious tip but most couples who are fighting find it difficult to stay positive. Successful couples are the ones that can maintain a positive perspective throughout their relationship even when dealing with marital issues. 

The fact that you and your partner are taking steps to address your problems is a good sign. This should inspire you to stay positive about the future of your relationship. Hold on to that positivity and find ways to save your relationship, especially if you both agree that it’s worth saving. 

9. Give your partner space

Most spouses are so desperate to resolve issues within their marriage that they end up smothering their other half. However, taking this approach when you are dealing with marriage problems will only make things worse.

Give your spouse the space to think and reflect. It will also give you the opportunity to look at things from their perspective. When you give each other space, you don’t act based on emotions but rather on logic and reasoning. 

10. Get counseling.

Counseling is a great way to solve marriage problems. It will involve a few sessions only, and is a great way to address issues within your relationship on a neutral ground. You can also get the guidance of an expert so you can work out the cause of the problem. 

The secret to success with counseling is to follow through with the plan. Any consultation you’ve done with a therapist will be of no use if you have no accountability and don’t follow through with it. It is important that both spouses take accountability for fixing their marital problems. 

If you think counseling is expensive, it’s definitely cheaper than divorce! Plus, if you are serious about solving marriage problems, this is one of the best ways to go about it. 

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Don't let the #1 Cause of Divorce Ruin You Marriage

20 Common Marriage Problems - How to Solve Them

• Selfishness
• Unforgiveness
• Defensiveness
• Unfaithfulness
• Lack of attention
• Lack of investment
• Lack of support
• Lack of self-improvement
• Lack of empathy
• Lack of knowledge

How Can I Solve My Wife and Husband Problems?

Marriage problems and solutions for christians.

When I got married 14 years ago, I did what many couples do that were going through marriage problems.

I googled solutions. And, honestly, at that time, finding solutions to common marriage problems from a Christian worldview was quite challenging. 

If you ever wondered asked yourself, “ How can I solve my wife and husband problems?”

This article offers Cristian options and solutions to Christian problems. 

Even marriages that appear to be perfect, will have marriage issues.

Having problems in marriage isn’t the biggest problem. 

The biggest problem is not knowing how to communicate through these problems so that you discover the solution.

Poor marriage communication is the root cause of many marital problems. 

This is why I recommend pre-marriage counseling.

Counseling often provides the communication tools couples need to have a healthy marriage .

If your marriage has problems on this list, that are not being worked on consistently, then your marriage may be in trouble. 

Learn how to navigate and overcome the hurdles presented by common marriage problems, starting with this essential resource.

However, here is a comprehensive list that you should seriously study. Study this list to learn the common causes of marriage problems faced by married couples, and learn to consistently apply the solutions offered. 

Doing so will ensure that problems in your marriage don’t eventually lead to divorce. The goal isn’t learning how to, never have marriage problems. 

The goal is to learn how to quickly and clearly identify your marriage problems. 

Once identified, learn how to fairly and respectfully resolve them.

Keep in mind that many problems in  marriage  . 

How to Solve Marriage Problems 

1.)  Selfishness  

”Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.” Philippians 2:3-5 

If I had to choose two of the most common marriage problems I have observed leading to more divorces than I can count, selfishness, would definitely be tied at #1. 

The sad thing about this marital problem is, that we are often barely aware that it’s happening. After all, if they love you, they should do ‘this and they should do ‘that’ right? 

The problem with that way of thinking is, spouses tend to fail to follow the model shown by the relationship between Jesus and the church. Jesus’ relationship with the church wasn’t based on what He was getting.

Jesus’ relationship with the church was based on what He was giving. 

A relationship is FOR giving. (pun intended) 

There is absolutely no way to escape having marital problems when selfishness is overbearing. 

I have to say overbearing since, as imperfect beings, we also can’t escape thinking of the ‘self’ more than the two ‘selfs’ in marriage from time to time. 

Communication in marriage is by far, the most important skill spouses need to have a married life with fewer marital problems. 

But, can you imagine how difficult marriage communication would be with a selfish spouse?

Husbands and wives  are called to mutually submit to each other’s wants and needs. 

Get this book Free:  20 Common Marriage Problems . 

A submission where spouses are mutually committed to meeting the godly aligned desires of each other. 

What’s the common problem with selfishness in marriage? 

One spouse usually ends up prioritizing their desires, expectations or needs over the other spouse. 

 As a result, the spouse who is not being prioritized tends to feel unloved, unimportant, or even resentful. What’s the solution? 

Keep in mind that marriage isn’t solely about you, it’s about you two. 

Another way of saying that is, “marriage isn’t about me, it’s about we.”

Jesus’ relationship with the church is meant to be an earthly example of a heavenly union, seek to copy that. 

”For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world.” 1 John 2:16

Pride ends more marriages than deaths do.

Pride is tied at #1 for the most common marriage problem.

If you ever wondered, ”What causes lack of communication in marriage,” pride is definitely a  top answer.

Pride leads to many marriage communication problems because pride gets us to blame our spouse, for things we should be solely blamed for.

Pride causes marriage issues because, oftentimes, spouses refuse to admit their wrongs.

When we refuse to admit wrongs long enough, those wrongs continue in our marriage unfixed.

Imagine being married to a verbally abusive wife. Now imagine that spouse refusing to say, ”I’m sorry.”

Imagine the problems you will have in your marriage when you feel that it’s always your fault for issues in your marriage and rarely the fault of your spouse.

Dealing with the problem of pride (solution): Understand that no one who walks this earth’s surface is perfect.

Everyone has sins they need to work on by having a relationship with Jesus.

Look at your faults as an opportunity to improve who you are, not an opportunity to make you feel bad about who you are.

If you are dealing with an extremely prideful spouse, put them around groups or a community of people that can hold them accountable.

3.)  Unforgiveness  

”And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.” Mark 11:25

It’s amazing to me how unforgiving spouses can be. 

Especially, when as imperfect humans we constantly need forgiveness for our sins daily. 

As Christians how can you consistently sin against our God and expect forgiveness while stubbornly holding a grudge against your spouse? 

If you’re not Christian, you would at least agree that no one is perfect, and because of that, everyone will make mistakes. 

How many mistakes have you made against your spouse? Here is a better question. 

How many times have you repeated the same ”mistake” that you were asking forgiveness for? 

”How do I prevent unforgiveness from causing marriage problems?”  Solution: Learn to apply the same grace given to us by Jesus, to our spouse. 

How do you do that practically? 

First, keep in mind that you constantly cause issues in your marriage that your spouse has to forgive you for. Secondly, have patience.

 It often takes time to get better. It often takes time to do better. 

Take it day by day.

 Lastly, pray that God changes your hearts.

Learn the skills necessary to limit these common marriages problems from becoming marriage-ending problems by reading this. 

4.)  Negativity

 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” Matthew 6:34

Here is what sometimes sucks about married life, and what makes it difficult to have a happy married life.

Dealing with a very negative spouse. ”Why does having a negative spouse cause marriage issues?”  

Negativity creates an environment that isn’t pleasant to be around. 

When married couples no longer enjoy being around each other, the married couples become unmarried couples. 

The solution to this common marriage problem: Pray for your spouse. Get them more involved in church. Put them around positive people. 

It isn’t wise to address their negativity directly. It is usually an internal issue that the spouse has to deal with.

5.)  Denial

 ”Teach me your way, O Lord, that I may walk in your truth; unite my heart to fear your name.” Psalm 86:11

No one likes to hear that their baby is ugly! 

I don’t mean to be cruel. 

What I mean about that statement is, that we usually don\’t like to hear the truth about ourselves.

We rather cling to what makes us feel good. Denial leads to married life problems. 

There’s no denying that. Denial makes you blind to your imperfections.

In a way, you can say denial is a distant ‘cousin’ to pride in the sense that there is a blindness to one’s faults. 

When there is that blindness, it becomes impossible to work on it, leading to your spouse suffering.

Working on denial(solution): Becoming a better spouse often means being faced with areas in your life where you are not so great.

 Learn to embrace truth. 

6.) Insecurity  

”The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” John 10:10″

Troubles in marriage caused by insecurity rarely have to do with our spouse. 

Typically, that insecurity that is giving your  marriage problems was caused by whoever you dated  before your spouse. 

Let me guess. You dated someone that cheated, or lied frequently? That led to your heart being broken? 

What you didn’t realize is that you didn’t learn to fully trust again. 

Because of that, you now project your past insecurities in your current marriage. Your dating problem shouldn’t be your married problem. 

Faith Biblically speaking can be defined as, ”trust in light of the evidence.”

 In other words, you trust something based on the reliability of what you have seen so far.

For example, you have a car, get in the car, start the car, and drive that car to work five days a week. 

If for some reason, you had to go to work on that 6th day, based on the light of evidence (car starting up the previous 5 days) you have no reason to reasonably believe that your car wouldn\’t start on that 6th day.

 I say that to say this, you deal with insecurities causing your marriage issues by understanding that it is your spouse’s consistency of character that should ease your insecurities. 

Your past should not be projected on your spouse.

7.)  Defensiveness  

”Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is stupid.\” Proverbs 12:1 

Defensive listening is a poor habit to form in marriage. 

Defensive listening has no place in a loving marriage. You have to be able to tell your spouse that they are doing something that hurts you without them getting defensive. 

The challenges many married couples face in marriage are not being able to share a fault with their spouse without their spouse getting defensive and someone turning it around on them. 

Turning it around on them may include playing the ‘blame game’, playing ‘victim’, or giving the silent treatment.

All these examples are examples of defensiveness because instead of at least considering what your spouse is saying to you, you immediately go into attack mode. 

Prevent this from being your marital problem (solution):  When your spouse attempts to talk to you about something that you are doing wrong, don’t immediately go on attack mode. Instead, PAUSE.

 Pause, and consider what you are hearing. What your spouse is telling you isn’t an attack on your entire character. What your spouse is telling you is simply one thing about you that can become better. 

8.)  Unfaithfulness  

”Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1 Corinthians 7:5″

Unfortunately, cheating happens in marriage. It sucks, and in a perfect world, with perfect people, it wouldn’t happen. 

Cheating shouldn’t happen, no person deserves to feel that type of heartbreak.

However, for this article, I want to take an unpopular approach.

I’m not taking this approach simply to be controversial. 

This perspective needs to be addressed. I am going to attempt to defend the person cheating.

The Bible makes it clear that spouses should NOT refrain from having sex with each other. 

Because then, Satan will tempt you with sex. 

Stop. Don’t rebuttal. Just seek to understand. 

There is no excuse for cheating, but, there are often reasons people cheat that we can empathize with. 

It doesn’t make cheating right. 

It just makes it more understandable. 

I remember hearing a story about a woman who ended up having 5 children and was forced to give up her life (career and educational pursuits) to be a stay-at-home mom and raise her children. 

Fortunately, the father, her husband, was financially established and could support his family with ease.

 So, what led to the wife’s cheating?

 The husband worked too much, wasn’t affectionate, didn’t help with chores in the house, rarely provided support with daily tasks involving the kids, and basically had the perception that all he had to do was provide financially. 

The husband believed that having his family need for nothing financially was all he had to do.

 The wife patiently tried to get her husband to feel how overwhelmed she felt. 

The wife constantly expressed to her husband how alone she felt. She patiently and consistently shared how unloved and undesired she felt. 

Her husband gave her feelings no serious consideration. Wait! That’s no excuse to cheat. You’re right. By excuse, we define it to mean something similar to making that ”wrong, a right.” 

No, there is no excuse. 

But there was a reason. And by reason, I mean “something that causes something to occur.” 

Sure, she could have just left her husband. She could have taken her and her five kids and attempted to start a life independent of her husband. 

It would have been extremely difficult, but it could have been done.

As imperfect humans, do we always think of the most righteous thing to do? 

Or do we usually think of dealing with the pain that we are currently feeling with some sort of immediate pleasure?

 Husbands and wives cheating is NOT okay, but it happens, unfortunately, and we need to talk solve that marital problem by thoroughly addressing that reason.

Solution? That Scripture speaks loud enough. 

Husbands shall not deny wives the affection she needs from her husband. Nothing is a substitute for that. 

Wives shall not deny husbands their physical intimacy. 

There is no substitute for that. 

Marriage Communication Problems 

9.)  Secrecy  

”Would not God discover this? For he knows the secrets of the heart.” Psalm 44:21″

Everyone has secrets, right?

Since everyone has secrets, why shouldn’t you have yours? 

Having that mentality is what leads to marriage problems. 

Problems in a marriage are rarely new problems.

Sometimes those problems are problems that never get a chance to be talked about. 

Many people think truth ends marriages.

I personally believe that lies have destroyed way more marriages than truth has. 

Ending your struggles in marriage may be as simple as preventing yourself from keeping secrets. 

After all, if your action is something that has to be hidden, why commit the act in the first place? 

Ending secrecy in marriage (solution)- It’s not easy being vulnerable right? 

It’s not easy sharing a secret with someone knowing that the secret you share can be used against you. 

 But, married couples biblically speaking, are one flesh. 

That truth alone reveals a level of intimacy that is to be sought after by married couples. 

We may not ever fully arrive at that destination, but we are to head in that direction.

 Take it day by day. 

Perhaps, reveal something new to your spouse every week, and you two talk about it. 

10.)  Lies  

”Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator.” Colossians 3:9-10

Lies destroy trust in a marriage. Lies destroy marriages. 

”It’s just a little lie,” spouses say. 

Yet, if that same ”little” lie was told to them, they would be outraged. 

The solution to lying is simple. Keep in mind that, ”honesty is the best policy.” Honesty doesn’t have to hurt your spouse’s feelings. 

Find different  being honest . 

You sure can tell your spouse that their breath stinks. Or, you can say, ”sweetie your breath isn’t pleasant right now.” 

11.)  Sex  

”How beautiful you are and how pleasing, my love, with your delights!  Your stature is like that of the palm, and your breasts like clusters of fruit. ”

 Song of Solomon 7:6

That specific verse in my opinion, wisely addresses many common marriage problems relating to sex in marriage.

That verse is talking about how excited a husband is about his wife before sex.

 I don’t know of one married couple who has ever had marriage issues because their spouse was excited to have sex with them.

 Husbands want to be desired by their wives. 

Wives want to be desired by their husbands. How do you solve sexual marriage problems? 

Do not deprive each other of feeling desirable. Simple, yet, pretty deep. Just in case you missed it, making sure that your spouse consistently feels desired is the solution. 

12.)  Revenge  

”Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” Romans 12:19

We are such sinful creatures. When we feel hurt, what do we want to do? 

We want the one that hurt us to hurt too.

Married couples who are focused on revenge instead of improving themselves in marriage for each other won’t have a happy marriage life. 

What do you do instead of getting revenge? (solution) 

You pray that God removes that urge in you. 

You realize that if God exercised revenge on you, that you would be in hell. 

Thank God for His Grace that covers our past, present, and future sins. 

13.)  Lack of Attention 

”Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,\” Ephesians 5:25 

You focus on the things you care about. 

Someone who cares a lot about fitness spends a lot of time at the gym. 

Some who care a lot about their career spend a lot of time working.

There is no excuse for the one you are in union with not getting that same attention and focus. 

Taking your spouse for granted is how spouses often lose focus on their spouse.

Don’t make this a marriage problem you commonly face in your marriage.

 Solution: “shower’ your spouse daily with your undivided attention, aka focus. 

14.)  Lack of Investment: 

”The point is this: whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully.” 2 Corinthians 9:6″

What exactly are you doing to help your marriage flourish? 

Solution– Take active steps. You can go to marriage conferences. You could read a marriage book. You can listen to a marriage podcast. All these actions show investment in your marriage. 

15.)  Lack of Support 

”So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” Matthew 19:6″mark

It’s easy for married couples to support each other when there is a death of a loved one. 

It’s easy for us as spouses to support each other when something else traumatic happens. 

How about we support each other daily, with the simple day-to-day tasks? 

Problems in the marriage often occur because one spouse feels like they are alone in the day-to-day upkeep of raising children, or household chores.

 Don’t make that a problem in your married life. Solution– Be mindful of what your spouse goes through on a day-to-day basis, and be empathetic. Sometimes just asking, ”how was your day,” is enough. 

16.)  Lack of Self-Improvement 

”For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” Romans 3:23 

You”re not perfect. Neither is your spouse. And guess what? Even if you two go on to be married 40 years, you still won ‘t achieve perfection. 

The least you can do for the person stuck with you for four decades is to try to get better every day, in very specific, purposeful ways. 

The solution is to consistently ‘upgrade’ yourself for your spouse. 

17.)  Lack of Empathy 

”Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32

Why is it, that when something happens to us, we want to be understood and sympathized with? 

Yet, when something happens to others, we are quick to condemn?

 Jesus, have mercy on us. Sometimes your spouse doesn’t need or want your judgment, rebuttal, or solution. 

They just need you to feel what they are going through.

 If they get cut, you say ouch. That’s the idea behind empathy. Being understanding is how you prevent the lack of empathy from being a marital problem. (solution)

 18.)  Lack of Knowledge

 ”If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.” James 1:5″

Investing in your marriage should lead you to be more knowledgeable about different aspects of your marriage.

Would you like to be a more romantic person in your marriage? 

Do you find being romantic one of the challenges you face in marriage? 

Great, you identified a common marriage problem many married couples have. 

Watch videos on being romantic in marriage .

 Read books that talk about romance. Go to a conference where the theme is igniting passion in your marriage. 

Solution: Keep learning how to turn your weaknesses in your marriage, into strengths. 

19.)  Silence

 ”Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent.” Proverbs 17:28

If you keep silent to prevent yourself from saying something unkind to your spouse, then great. I applaud you for your wisdom and restraint. 

However, if you are the type of spouse to keep silent because you don’t like, or don’t want to talk about marriage issues, then, your silence is one of the worse forms of common marriage problems. 

Solution: Learn when to speak, and when to be silent. Work on developing a healthy balance. 

20.)  Disrespect 

”Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” Ephesians 4:29″

Often, disrespect is a marital issue because one spouse doesn’t agree with how the other spouse thinks or feels about a particular problem in their marriage. 

Instead of learning to work through those differences, the spouses choose to disrespect each other’s views. 

Who says your view is right, to begin with? 

You assume you’re right, and by default, your spouse is wrong then proceed to belittle their viewpoint. 

Solution- You need to keep in mind what type of husband or wife you desire to be. Do you want to be known as a disrespectful spouse?

 If not, learn to work through those differences in a way that doesn’t automatically display that your spouse is less than. 

Learn the skills necessary to limit these common marriage problems from becoming marriage-ending problems.

Check out a more solution focused approach below.

Addressing Common Relationship Challenges

Every marriage faces its fair share of challenges.

However, being aware of these common problems and addressing them proactively can help couples overcome them and prevent their escalation into bigger issues.

One of the most prevalent challenges in a marriage is unrealistic expectations.

Many couples enter into marriage with preconceived notions of what their partner should be like or how their relationship should unfold.

These unrealistic expectations can lead to disappointment and frustration.

It is essential to have open and honest conversations about expectations and work together to find common ground.

Financial problems are another common challenge faced by many married couples.

Money is often a sensitive topic, and disagreements about finances can strain a relationship.

Open and transparent communication about financial goals, budgeting, and spending habits is crucial.

It is essential for couples to work as a team and make financial decisions together, considering each other’s perspectives and finding compromises that work for both parties.

Managing Unrealistic Expectations

Unrealistic expectations can be detrimental to a marriage.

When we enter into a marital union, it is essential to understand that our partner is not perfect and will have flaws.

Expecting our partner to meet all our emotional, physical, and intellectual needs can put undue pressure on the relationship.

Instead, it is important to accept and appreciate our partner for who they are, while also supporting each other’s growth and personal development.

Moreover, managing unrealistic expectations requires effective communication.

It is necessary to express our needs and desires clearly, while also being open to compromise and understanding our partner’s limitations.

Regular check-ins and discussions about expectations can help maintain a healthy balance in the relationship and prevent misunderstandings.

Overcoming Financial Hurdles in Marriage

Financial issues can wreak havoc on a marriage if not addressed appropriately.

It is crucial for couples to develop a solid financial plan and work together towards their financial goals.

Here are some strategies to overcome financial hurdles in marriage:

• Create a budget: Sit down together and create a comprehensive budget that includes all income, expenses, and savings goals. This will help both partners have a clear understanding of the financial situation and make informed decisions.
• Communicate openly about money: Discussing financial matters openly and regularly is essential. This includes being honest about debts, financial concerns, and goals. By maintaining open lines of communication, couples can work together towards financial stability.
• Set financial goals together: Establishing shared financial goals can motivate couples to work towards a common objective. Whether it’s saving for a house, planning for retirement, or paying off debt, having a clear vision can help align efforts and make financial decisions easier.
• Seek professional help if needed: In some cases, couples may find it beneficial to seek the guidance of a financial advisor or counselor. These professionals can provide expert advice and help navigate complex financial situations.

Remember, overcoming financial hurdles requires patience, understanding, and teamwork.

By working together, couples can overcome financial challenges and build a stronger foundation for their marriage.

Keys to a Happy Marriage

A happy marriage is built on a foundation of love, trust, and mutual respect.

While every relationship is unique, there are certain key elements that contribute to marital happiness.

Let’s explore some of these keys to a happy marriage:

• Effective communication: Communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship. It involves not only expressing one’s thoughts and feelings but also actively listening to one’s partner. Good communication allows for understanding, compromise, and the resolution of conflicts.
• Physical intimacy: Physical intimacy plays a vital role in a happy marriage. It is a way for couples to connect emotionally and physically, strengthening their bond. Expressing love through physical touch, gestures, and intimacy helps foster a deep sense of connection and intimacy.
• Quality time together: Spending quality time together is essential for maintaining a happy marriage. It allows couples to nurture their relationship, create shared memories, and strengthen their emotional connection. Whether it’s date nights, weekend getaways, or simply enjoying each other’s company at home, carving out dedicated time for each other is crucial.
• Healthy communication: Healthy communication involves not only expressing positive emotions but also effectively addressing conflicts and disagreements. It is important to address issues as they arise, rather than letting them fester and create resentment. This can be done by practicing active listening, empathy, and finding mutually agreeable solutions.

Thriving in Married Life

Thriving in married life requires dedication, effort, and a willingness to adapt and grow together.

Here are some strategies that can help couples thrive in their married life:

• Appreciating the little things: Small gestures of love and appreciation can go a long way in nurturing a relationship. Simple acts like saying “thank you,” leaving a sweet note, or surprising your partner with their favorite treat can make a significant difference.
• Balancing social media: In today’s digital age, it is important to strike a balance between spending quality time with your partner and engaging in social media. Setting boundaries and designating device-free time can help create a deeper connection and prevent feelings of neglect.
• Seeking professional help: If communication issues, intimacy issues, or other relationship problems persist, seeking professional help can be beneficial. Marriage counselors or therapists can provide guidance and support to help couples navigate through difficult times and strengthen their relationship.
• Celebrating milestones: Celebrating milestones, both big and small, is an excellent way to keep the spark alive in a marriage. Whether it’s a wedding anniversary, a promotion at work, or a personal achievement, acknowledging and celebrating these milestones together can create a sense of joy and shared accomplishment.

In conclusion, marriage problems are a natural part of every relationship, but they can be overcome with patience, understanding, and hard work.

By maintaining open lines of communication, managing expectations, addressing financial issues, and nurturing the emotional connection, couples can navigate through the challenges and build a happy and fulfilling married life.

Remember, a successful marriage is a continuous journey of growth and discovery.

Embrace the difficulties and celebrate the joys, knowing that with commitment and love, you can overcome any obstacle that comes your way.

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Jazakallah. Navigating common marriage challenges, such as communication and financial issues, requires open dialogue, understanding, and mutual support. Building a strong foundation through love and trust is key to a happy and thriving marriage.

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30 Common Relationship Problems and Solutions

Jeannie Sytsma, AMFT, works for Relationship Reality 312 in downtown Chicago. At this highly-respected private practice she works mainly with couples who are experiencing... Read More

Sylvia Smith shares insights on love revitalization and conscious living. She believes purposeful actions can transform relationships into happier, healthier ones.

In This Article

Even the best of relationships run into problems sometimes. You’re both tired from work, or the kids are in trouble at school, or your in-laws are getting on your last nerve…you know how it goes.

Life throws all kinds of challenges at a relationship, from relocation to redundancy to illness. No wonder problems arise in even the strongest relationships.

To keep a relationship running smoothly, it is important to solve marriage problems before they snowball into bigger relationship problems.

When do relationships start to have common relationship problems?

For some, however, that phase of love eventually fades. As time passes and both parties of the relationship make their fair share of mistakes, what was once intoxicating becomes intolerable.

Much of the common relationship issues that couples face are minor and can easily be avoided with mutual effort, understanding and respect. Although bumps along the path of marriage are unavoidable, if you are aware of them beforehand, you will be able to overcome them without leading your relationship to the verge of collapse.

None of us are perfect, nor will we exactly be the same on every level.

Some character flaws, on the other hand, will be natural and acceptable. But if there are behaviors, perhaps a little lie here or an indiscretion there, it’s essential to consider that on a grander scale as the relationship progresses.

Is that an ongoing problem you want to work through continually, or does that constitute a deal-breaker? Something to consider.

10 causes of common relationship issues

What can destroy a relationship ? Many of the problems couples come to me for, seem to stem from issues that either cause or intensify their problems. But once couples learn how to address these two issues, everything else seems to start falling into place also.

Check out these causes of common relationship issues or issues behind relationship problems before understanding ways to solve common relationship problems:

Expectations

One of the fastest ways to create unhappiness and instability in a relationship is through disappointment. And very few things create disappointment as quickly as unmet expectations.

But, there are typically two common relationship problems with expectations in a relationship:

• unrealistic expectations
• unclear expectations

Oftentimes, couples struggle to meet each other’s expectations because they are simply unrealistic. It’s important to understand that our expectations often derive from other people, past experiences, beliefs, or internal values. But, that doesn’t change the fact that they are sometimes very toxic to our relationship. 

Alternatively, couples sometimes struggle to meet each other’s expectations because they simply don’t know what the other one expects from them or in their relationship. 

Now, maybe you are pretty certain about what YOU expect from your relationship and your partner, but that doesn’t mean that your partner can read your mind, which means they most likely have no clue what you expect. 

If you want to avoid unhappiness in your relationship, it is your responsibility to be very clear about your expectations and share those with your partner. 

If in doing so, you come to realize that some of your expectations might be slightly unrealistic, or even impossible to meet, you might want to review where that expectation comes from and what is more important – being unrealistic or being happy.

2. Communication

One of the most common relationship issues that couples face is communication. There is often either a complete absence of communication, constant miscommunication , or very poor communication. The end result is almost always frustration, unhappiness, and unmet needs. Many times the root cause of the communication issue is in “interpretation.” 

You misunderstand what the other person is saying and spend too much time and energy arguing a point your partner never intended. It’s a futile exercise. It is, therefore, essential to take the time to fully comprehend what your partner is trying to say. 

Also, if you’re the one talking, it’s important to make sure you’re communicating clearly and exactly what you mean so that your partner can understand. You need to recognize the fact that their perspective is not the same as yours.

Their experiences, points of view, and even baggage are not the same as yours. But good communication demands empathy. It’s to see the world through their eyes as much as possible and then treat them the way that you would treat yourself.

3. Unsupportive partner

Another common relationship problem occurs when a partner is unsupportive of goals and interests. When you are in a relationship, you want to treat your partner like they can be whatever they want to be. 

You want them to follow their dreams and will do anything you can to help support them along the way – and you expect the same in return!

4. Finances

One of the most common relationship problems couples will admit to are troubles in the relationship with finances. Not having enough money or not knowing how to split your financial burdens , as well as loss of jobs, a lack of money, poor money management, debt, and overspending are all common issues that can put pressure on relationships.

Discuss your finances when your relationship gets serious, and be honest about any debt you may have. Rely on one another if money gets tight and never stop communicating.

5. Cheating and other forms of infidelity

Cheating is a huge issue in relationships today. The internet has made all forms of cheating as simple as downloading an app. Sexting, emotional affairs , porn, sneaking around, and physical relationships with someone other than your romantic partner are all huge issues that damage relationships, sometimes irreversibly.

Infidelity is a hard subject to broach with your romantic partner, but it is in the best interest of your relationship to let your partner know when you are emotionally or physically checking out. You owe it to yourself to give your relationship another shot. Get your issues out in the open either with date nights or regular honest communication or seek couples counseling to help mend your relationship.

6. Not enough time spent alone

Some of the common relationship problems involve not spending enough time alone together. This is especially true for couples who have children. Between work and family obligations, you sometimes feel more like roommates than romantic partners . This is because you have stopped ‘dating’ one another. Such circumstances can make a romantic partner feel unappreciated, unattractive, and emotionally frustrated.

Call up your favorite babysitter and establish a child-free date night once a week with your spouse. This allows you to reconnect as a couple instead of as parents. Go on dates and treat one another like you’re still trying to woo each other.

Boredom is a common problem in long-term relationships. Being with the same person for many years can seem to take the ‘spark’ out of your union. You may also feel you have outgrown one another. Don’t despair or give up. 

You can reverse this feeling by looking for new ways to connect with your partner. Look for new things to do together such as travel or take up a hobby. This will help you bond over something fun and exciting.

8. Sexual intimacy

As the years go by and your relationship becomes seasoned, there will likely be a point where your sexual flame will dim. There could be a multitude of reasons as to why you or your partners in sex has dwindled, but no matter what the cause is, this decrease in sexual intimacy tends to cause common relationship issues.

In order to avoid such problems, there are a few important things that you should consider:

• As you spend more and more time with someone, the act of sex becomes predictable. In most cases, the more predictable the sex, the less fun it is to have. Think about your favorite movie for a second. When you first saw it, you were enthralled. You watched it over and over again, enjoying every viewing. 

But after 10, 20, or 30 times seeing the same plotline play out, you only pulled it out for special occasions. Your sex life is just like that favorite movie. So, spice things up . Your favorite movie’s plotline is set in stone. The plotline between you and your spouse’s sexual experience can be changed any time you want it to. 

Get creative, get ambitious, and understand that it’s not the other person’s fault. It’s just that, although you enjoy having sex, it’s just the same thing over and over again. Try something new today.

• Your expectations for your sex life may be a bit unrealistic. As your sex life loses steam, you likely are replacing more love and appreciation in the void left behind. Instead of harping on the lack of sex you’re having , take a moment and be grateful for the person you get to lay your head down next to.

9. The anger habit

The anger habit soon gets ingrained, and before you know it, you’re spending a large chunk of time fighting with your partner.

Think about it – if someone is angry and shouting at you, how likely are you to listen carefully and look for a solution?

Most people, understandably, react to anger with either anger or fear.

10. Not consulting each other

Let your partner know that they are a priority to you by consulting them before you make decisions.

Big decisions like whether to take a new job or move to a new city are obvious life choices that should be discussed with your spouse.

But don’t forget to include them in smaller decisions such as who picks up the kids tonight, making plans with friends for the weekend, or whether you eat dinner together or grab something for yourself.

10 signs of relationship problems that hurt the most

All relationships have their highs and lows, even the happiest of ones. There is no escaping them, and if not dealt with accurately, they can lead your relationships towards absolute chaos and destruction.

Here are 10 signs your relationship is having problems:

• You both spend less amount of time together
• There is minimal communication
• You both are critical of each other
• One partner indicates that the relationship is not going well
• Differences of opinions are criticized than worked upon
• You both are always defensive in front of each other
• You both have stopped discussing long-term plans
• You set other priorities over your relationship
• Maintaining the relationship feels like a duty
• You are happier when they are not around and vice versa

30 relationship problems and solutions

Now, how to solve relationship issues?  

Common relationship issues are not hard to solve; all you need for that is a strong will to work on your relationship issues, and love , of course.

Here are some common marriage problems and the solutions for how to resolve your relationship problems that you should know about.

When wondering about how to solve relationship problems, it can be useful to read first and then bring the conversation up about how to handle relationship problems with your partner.

1. Lack of trust

Lack of trust is a major problem in any relationship.

Lack of trust isn’t always related to infidelity – it can rear its head any time. If you find yourself constantly doubting your partner or wondering if they’re truthful with you, it’s time to tackle your trust issues together .

Relationship problems will keep mushrooming when there is a dearth of trust in a relationship.

Solution : 

Be consistent and trustworthy. Each of you should make an effort to be where you say you’re going to be and do what you say you’re going to do. This is one of the best solutions to marriage problems.

Call when you say you’ll call. Never lie to your partner. Showing empathy and respect for your partner’s feelings also helps to build trust.

2. Overwhelm

When life gets too much, you get overwhelmed. Maybe you’re in the midst of going after a promotion at work. Maybe they’re dealing with a troubled teenage son or daughter.

Whatever the reason, your relationship soon takes a back seat. Then relationship problems keep building up.

Solution: 

Talk to each other about what’s happening, and about what kind of support each of you needs .   Lean on each other instead of getting so caught up in other issues that they drive a wedge between you. 

Figure out together a time that will be just for you two.

3. Poor communication

Poor communication leads to misunderstandings, fights, and frustration. It also leads to one or both of you feeling unheard and invalidated and can quickly build into resentment and other common relationship issues.

Communication is a skill like any other, and learning it can make all the difference to your relationship. Learn how to listen without judging or interrupting, and how to get your point across without attacking.

Communicate with each other as friends, not combatants. Figure out what your communication style is and how compatible it is with your partner.

Work your way towards the solution by understanding what communication style would work better for both of you.

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4. Not prioritizing each other

It’s so easy to take your partner for granted , especially when you have a lot of things going on. Before you know it, the only time you get together is over a hurried family dinner or while trying to get out the door in the morning.

Make time for each other every single day. No matter how busy you are, carve out fifteen or thirty minutes; that’s just for the two of you to talk and spend quiet time together.

Text regularly throughout the day. Add in a weekly date night to make sure your partner knows they’re your priority.

5. Money stress

Money is a leading cause of stress in relationships .  Maybe there’s not enough. Or maybe there is enough, but they spend it while you prefer to save. Perhaps you feel they’re too tight with the purse strings.

Whatever the issue, money can quickly cause problems.

One of the tips to fix old relationship issues regarding finances is to put those good communication skills to work here and have a serious talk about money. Figure out a budget that you both agree on and stick to it.

Work out a financial plan for your future and take steps towards it together. Make crystal clear agreements and keep them.

6. Changing priorities

We all change as we move through life. Maybe you were both ambitious once, but now you’d rather live a quiet life. Perhaps your partner is no longer enthusiastic about your shared dream of buying a house by the sea.

Changing priorities can cause a lot of conflicts.

Look for what you both still have in common while allowing your partner to change and grow. Embrace who they are now instead of pining for the past.

If you have different priorities about major lifestyle issues, l ook for common ground, and compromise that you are both happy with.

7. Chore wars

It’s easy to lose your temper when it feels like you’re the one taking out the trash for the hundredth time in a row, or you get home from overtime to find the house is a tip. Chore wars are a leading cause of conflict in relationships .

Agree together on who is responsible for what, and stick to it—factor in a little flexibility for when one of you is much busier than usual.

If you both have different ideas of what constitutes a neat home, it might be time for a little compromise.

8. Different intimacy needs

Problems with your sex life are stressful and can have a big impact on your relationship. If one of you isn’t happy or you’re finding you have widely different intimacy needs, it’s time for a serious talk.

Carve out time for intimacy. Arrange for someone else to take the kids once a week, or make the most of any time you have alone at home together.

Sex keeps you feeling physically and emotionally close, so make sure you are both happy with your sex life .

9. Lack of appreciation

It doesn’t come as a surprise to you that bad bosses compel good workers to quit ? Up to 75% quit their job not because of the position itself, but because of their boss who never expressed appreciation.

Being taken for granted is one of the fundamental reasons for breakups.

Appreciation is what keeps us motivated and committed, both in our work and our relationships.

Remembering to compliment or notice the things our partner shows, we are grateful and increases the overall satisfaction with the relationship. Saying thank you goes a long way.

10. Children

Having kids is a blessing, but it requires a lot of dedication and effort. This can cause a strain on the relationship when partners disagree on the way they want to raise children, address problems that occur, and spend family time.

Solution:  

Talk to your partner about why they think something should be done differently and share your reasoning. Often, we are repeating or trying to avoid patterns we were raised by.

Get together and spend some time understanding where the need to do things a certain way is coming from. When you understand, you can change and create a new way to parent that works for your family.

11. Overinvolvement

When we find the person, we love we want to share everything with them and to have them do the same. However, this can lead to feelings of losing one’s individuality, feeling of freedom, and a sense of accomplishment.

What does it take for you to be your own person while being their partner? Think of areas that you want to keep to yourself that give you a feeling of achievement and freedom.

It might be a hobby or doing sports. Talk to your partner so they don’t feel rejected by this new change and introduce it gradually.

12. Infidelity

What each of us defines as infidelity and where we draw the line can differ. Infidelity means various things to different people. Infidelity can encompass, besides the sexual act, flirting, sexting or kissing.

When infidelity has occurred, trust is broken, and a person can feel betrayed. This can snowball into many other issues and problems.

Talking about what infidelity is for you and your partner is important. They may hurt you inadvertently because, for example, they don’t find flirting a problem.

When something has already occurred, there is a choice to be made. A couple can try to regain trust and rebuild or end the relationship . In case the first one is chosen, seeking professional help can be a wise decision.

Figuring out marriage challenges and solutions and learning how to work out relationship problems is much more productive with counseling .

13. Significant differences

When there is a critical difference in core values, the way partners approach life, and challenges, issues are bound to happen.

For example, it might be that they are more spontaneous or hedonistic, while you plan more and save rather than spend. Nonetheless, if your views and expectations from life differ considerably, you are bound to argue.

When there are core dissimilarities between you, you might wonder if you are suited for each other. The answer is – it depends. What kind of change would you both need to undertake for this relationship to survive?

Are you willing you make that change, and how much will it “cost” you? If you decide you can and want to change, by all means, give it a go. This is the only way you will know if the change is enough for this relationship to succeed.

14. Jealousy

You might be in a happy relationship for a long time before noticing the first signs of jealousy. They might act fine at first but slowly change.

They start asking for your whereabouts, distrusting you, checking up on you, distancing or stifling you, and demonstrating concern about your affection towards them.

Often this behavior is a reflection of previous experiences that were triggered by something that happened in the current relationship.

Both partners need to make an effort. If your partner is jealous, try to be transparent, predictable, honest, and share. Give them time to get to know you and trust you.

However, for this to be solved, they need to make a separate effort to change their anticipations and work out their concerns. There is a difference between privacy and secrecy, and this line needs to be redrawn.

15. Unrealistic expectations

If you are human, you have unrealistic expectations ; no one is free of them. Nowadays, we might expect our partner to play many major roles: the best friend, trusted companion, business partner, lover, etc.

We might expect our partner to know what we want without saying it, advocate fairness at all times, or strive to change the other into what you desire them to be.

This can lead to misunderstandings, repeated quarrels, and misfortune.

If you want to solve a problem, you need to comprehend it first. Ask yourself – what is it that you feel entitled to? If you could wave a magic wand and change things, how would the new, pink reality look like?

What are you doing at the moment that you feel could get you there?

When you grasp what you are expecting to happen, but reality and your partner are depriving you of it, you can start to look for ways to ask differently or ask for different wishes.

16. Growing apart

So many things on the task list, and there is only one of you. How long ago did you stop including things to do with your partner on that list? Drifting apart happens bit by bit, and we don’t notice.

You might wake up one morning and realize you can’t remember the last time you had sex, a date, or a conversation that is more than organizational.

A relationship is like a flower, and it can not blossom without nourishment. When you notice the signs, it is time to act. It will take time to cross the distance that has been created, but it is possible.

Prioritize your time together, bring back old habits and activities you did together, laugh, and take time to reconnect.

17. Lack of support

When life hits us hard, we cope with it the best we know. However, often our coping skills are not enough, and we need support. Lack of support from a partner can lead to feelings of loneliness, anxiety, and feeling overwhelmed.

Long-lasting lack of support also affects the way we value the relationship we are in, and satisfaction drops significantly.

If you don’t ask, the answer is certainly “no.” Talking about what we need and what we can provide can clear the air of unrealistic expectations.

Unspoken and unfulfilled needs lead to negative beliefs about the relationship.

Understanding what our partner can provide helps adjust what we come to them for and look for alternative sources of support while our partner works on becoming one of the main pillars of encouragement and comfort again.

18. Addiction

Substance addiction can put a serious strain on a relationship.

Partner’s addiction can cause a significant effect on the family budget, cause many arguments, increase trust issues, cause ignorance and neglect of children and other family members, and impair overall relationship happiness.

Couple problems can be worked out with couples therapy . Counseling can be enormously helpful as it helps both partners deal with the issues arising simultaneously.

Understanding what triggers prompt addiction and building new habits as a couple promotes healthier ways of addressing problems. Individual therapy is recommended as well for both partners.

It can help understand the roots and patterns leading to addiction, and provide support to the non-addicted partner.

19. Moving at different speeds

Do you find yourself in a current relationship uncomfortable with the speed the relationship is progressing?

You might find your new partner moving more rapidly, wanting to spend more time together, constantly calling or texting, wanting to go away together, or you meeting their family?

Alternatively, you could be in a relationship that is not progressing the way you hoped it would, and the milestones you desired are not being reached.

When you and your partner need different speeds and intensities of intimacy and commitment , you may argue.

This can lead to becoming terribly upset over seemingly little things, pulling away, and questioning whether this person is for you.

Don’t sweep things under the rug rather address what is happening. Avoiding problems is not the best relationship solution.

What kind of reassurance or demonstration of love would bring you back on the same level? How are your needs different, and what can each of you do to find the middle ground?

20. Lack of responsibility

When one of the partners avoids taking responsibility, it can cause severe damage to the partnership. Money struggles, child neglect, fighting over chores, or playing the blame game can happen daily.

One of the most detrimental factors to the relationship is a significantly uneven distribution of responsibility amongst partners.

When addressing this issue, the first thing to do is to stop the blaming game. If change is to occur, you need to look forward, not backward. If the change is to be long-lasting, it needs to happen gradually.

Overwhelming a partner to make up for all this time of dodging responsibilities will just prove they were right to steer clear of them.

Give forgiving a shot as it has been linked to relationship success . Also, agree on the pace of change and the first things to share accountability for.

21. Controlling behavior

Controlling behavior happens when one of the partners expects the other to behave in certain ways, even at the expense of the wellbeing of the other partner.

This kind of toxic behavior deprives the other partner’s freedom, confidence, and a sense of self-worth.

Controlling behavior is a learned pattern of behavior from primary family or previous relationships.

At one point in life, this was beneficial for the controlling partner, and they need to learn to express affection differently. Speak up, set boundaries and adhere to them, and, if possible, try couples counseling.

22. Boredom

All relationships undergo periods of fun and boredom. However, when the feeling of monotony and apathy color, most of the days, it is time to react.

Allowing to fall into a daily routine and go with the flow can lead to decreased libido and overall satisfaction with the relationship .

Think back to the honeymoon phase and recall the things you did as a newly formed couple. What is available from that list today, and what do you still feel you could enjoy?

Make a conscious decision to add spontaneity into the relationship to start the upward spiral to a more eventful relationship.

23. Outside Influences

All couples are exposed to outside influences and opinions on how things should be done.

Some influences are benign, like grandparents’ occasional babysitting, while others can be detrimental, like disapproval of one spouse by the family or friends of the other.

Your relationship comes first, and everyone else’s opinion is secondary. Show each other support and that you are a united front against the world.

To resist the influence, you can limit the amount of time spent with or personal information you share with the family members or friends trying to impact you.

Marital problems and solutions may appear quite similar on the outside, but no one knows better than you what you need to make it work.

24. Ineffective argument

Arguments are a part of every relationship. However, the way fights are led, and what is their outcome can have a big impact on the relationship.

Disagreement can be helpful or destructive, depending on what you do with them. Having the same fight over and over, losing your temper, or saying things you regret later is bound to make you feel it’s not worth it.

After an argument, you should feel you have made progress in understanding where your partner is coming from.

A good fight is one after which you have agreed on what can be the first step both will take to resolve the issue. Start by listening to hear the other side, not only by waiting for your turn.

Research together ways to fight better and only ever focus on the next step needed to take.

25. Keeping a scoreboard

When you keep blaming and recalling mistakes each of you has made, you are keeping a virtual scoreboard of each other’s faults. If being right is more important than being with the other person, the relationship is doomed.

This leads up to a build-up of guilt, anger, and bitterness and doesn’t solve any problems.

Deal with each problem separately unless they are legitimately connected. Focus on the problem at hand and speak your mind. Don’t let it build up and mention it months later.

Decide if you want to save the relationship and if you do, learn to accept the past as is and start focusing on where to go from here.

26. Life gets in the way

In a relationship, it’s usually the priority to nurture and develop the connection. When life is a persistent inconvenience, it means one or both of you were not necessarily ready to get involved, and that can happen. 

Unexpected encounters with another person occur all the time. But when they do, it’s essential to allow it to flourish- placing it first over the chaos.

When the two of you notice you put the union on the back burner, it’s time to make a conscious effort with reprioritizing the other person regardless of your day-to-day situation to battle the new relationship struggles.

27. Trust is critical from the very beginning

Every relationship has problems, but when you first connect, you don’t want to go in with the idea that you can’t trust the other person. If this is baggage from a past relationship , that’s unfair and self-defeating for any new partnership. 

If your new partner made a promise and then lied to get out of it, that will create mistrust early on. That’s tough to get back. In an effort to do so, one piece of advice on relationship problems is that there needs to be much transparency and commitment in keeping your word moving forward.

28. You can readjust goals at a moment’s notice

Perhaps in the first few weeks of dating, your life goals appear to be similar, but a profound life circumstance changes your perspective on where you see yourself in the future or maybe your mate’s.

The change is not in keeping with what the two of you discussed. In this situation, you can find a way to get your partner to see things from your point of view, or the partnership won’t be possible.

These are the kinds of issues in relationships that are difficult to overcome. Often differences in life goals are deal-breakers.

29. A kind word here or there

New relationship problems can include a lack of manners in numerous ways. Pleasantries like telling someone they look nice or saying thank you, or expressing how much you appreciate something they’ve done wane after a few dates. 

It shouldn’t—unfortunately, comfortability and taking a partner for granted set in quickly. If you notice this early on, say something, but also make sure to lead by example. Be the first to tell your mate these things often.

30. Notice continued bad behaviors with a new relationship

You’ll know you have early relationship problems if your mate is continuously on their phone when you’re together. That’s incredibly rude behavior for anyone when they’re with other people for any reason, let alone being on a date or in the early stages of a partnership . 

The focus should be on time spent with each other since free time is precious with the world’s hectic pace. When this happens at the start of a partnership, it won’t get better with time. It needs to be addressed and stopped to strengthen your union ultimately.

Relationships are marathons

Most relationship problems and ways of fixing relationship problems would be something that you must have heard about or experienced; still, when it comes to utilizing this common knowledge, not everyone is thorough with the implementation.

It’s not difficult to answer “how to solve marriage problems,” and there is plenty of advice on relationship issues and solutions.

However, when it comes to solving marriage issues and relationship issues advice, everything boils down to effort and implementation.

These common problems in relationships are not completely avoidable, and every couple runs into some of them at one point.

The good news is, working on relationship problems can produce a considerable difference and get your relationship back on track, free from all relationship difficulties.

Be creative, don’t give up on each other, and you will reach the solution.

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Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. As a writer at Marriage.com, she is a big believer in living consciously and encourages couples to adopt this principle Read more in their lives too. Sylvia believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking purposeful and wholehearted action. Read less

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Common Problems in Marriage and How to Solve Them

Struggling with problems in your marriage? You’re not alone. In fact, research shows that every couple experiences an average of five to seven marital challenges annually. This article offers a comprehensive guide on the top 50 common marriage issues and practical solutions to conquer them.

Ready for a happier, healthier relationship? Let’s dive in!

Top 50 Common Problems in Marriage

• Lack of communication: Failing to express thoughts, feelings, and needs effectively, leading to misunderstandings and emotional distance. This breakdown in the exchange of emotions and ideas gives rise to a breeding ground for misunderstandings and emotional distance to flourish, casting shadows on what was once a vibrant connection. As the silence grows, it deepens the chasm, eroding the foundation of intimacy and trust, leaving both partners longing for the lost connection that words, if only spoken, could rekindle.
• Financial stress: Struggles related to budgeting, debt, or differing spending habits can create tension and instability in a marriage. These pressures cast a shadow of instability over the marriage, where every monetary decision becomes a potential spark for conflict. The relentless pursuit of fiscal equilibrium consumes the minds of both partners, overshadowing the warmth and unity they once shared.
• Infidelity: When one or both partners engage in romantic or sexual relationships outside of the marriage, breaking trust and causing emotional trauma. The emotional trauma inflicted is profound, leaving a trail of shattered trust and betrayal. The echoes of this transgression reverberate through the relationship, causing emotional turbulence that is difficult to mend.
• Trust issues: Resulting from past betrayals or ongoing suspicions, trust issues can erode the foundation of a marriage. The very essence of marital connection is compromised, as each partner questions the authenticity of the other’s words and actions. These lingering doubts cast a long shadow over the relationship, eroding the foundation of trust on which it was built.
• Different parenting styles: Disagreements on how to raise children can lead to conflicts over discipline, values, and child-rearing decisions. These disagreements ripple through the marriage, making every decision regarding the children a potential battleground. As partners grapple with their contrasting visions of how to raise their offspring, the once-solid ground beneath them begins to shift, and the sanctuary of unity becomes fractured by the relentless storms of parental discord.
• Intimacy problems: Physical and emotional closeness can wane over time, causing dissatisfaction and disconnection in the relationship. What was once a source of solace and connection becomes a void, leaving both partners yearning for the lost warmth and affection that once defined their love.
• Incompatible long-term goals: When spouses have conflicting visions for the future, such as career aspirations or where to live, it can create a sense of being on different paths. The marriage, once a shared journey, now becomes a battlefield of differing ambitions. As the partners attempt to reconcile their incongruent visions, the rift widens, and the future they once envisioned together dims in the face of competing desires.
• Substance abuse: The misuse of drugs or alcohol by one or both partners can lead to instability, neglect, and serious relationship strain. As addiction takes hold, the marriage is left in its sinister shadow, struggling to maintain stability in the face of destructive behaviors. The substance becomes the focal point, overshadowing the love that once flourished, leaving both partners trapped in the darkness of dependency.
• Emotional distance: Growing emotionally apart can leave partners feeling isolated and disconnected, even if they still live together. The yearning for emotional closeness remains unfulfilled, and the once-vibrant connection becomes a mere memory, fading further into the background as emotional distance takes center stage.
• Work-life balance: Juggling career and family responsibilities can be challenging, causing stress and neglecting relationship needs. As partners grapple with this precarious balancing act, the marriage becomes vulnerable to neglect, its needs pushed to the periphery in the pursuit of professional and domestic equilibrium.
• Arguments over household chores: Disagreements about who does what around the house can lead to resentment and frustration. The battle lines are drawn over who does what around the house, and as tensions mount, the once-harmonious home environment becomes a battleground of unmet expectations, leaving both partners yearning for a more equitable division of responsibilities.
• Lack of quality time together: Busy schedules can result in couples spending too little time bonding and enjoying each other’s company. As the demands of work, family, and personal pursuits intensify, the opportunity for couples to bond and enjoy each other’s company dwindles. The longing for quality time, once a cherished aspect of the relationship, becomes a poignant reminder of what has been lost in the relentless pursuit of life’s demands.
• Jealousy and insecurity: Feelings of jealousy or inadequacy can harm trust and emotional connection. These feelings, like dark clouds on the horizon, obscure the sunlight of trust and emotional connection. The constant battle against these inner demons leaves both partners yearning for the lightness of trust and confidence that once characterized their bond.
• In-law conflicts: Disagreements with in-laws or over-involvement from extended family members can strain a marriage. Disagreements with extended family members or over-involvement from in-laws strain the autonomy of the marital unit, making every interaction with family a potential source of discord. As the struggle for balance continues, the marriage finds itself navigating treacherous waters, with in-law conflicts threatening to capsize the once-steady ship.
• Differences in values and beliefs: Fundamental disagreements on issues like religion, politics, or ethics can lead to ongoing conflicts. The shadow of discord darkens their shared journey, making it increasingly challenging to bridge the chasm that separates their worldviews.
• Religious differences: Conflicting religious beliefs can create challenges, particularly when it comes to raising children. These differences in faith cast a long shadow, creating a battlefield of conflicting convictions within the sanctity of the union. As partners grapple with how to navigate their spiritual disparities, the foundation of the marriage feels less stable, and the path to harmony appears increasingly elusive.
• Sexual dissatisfaction: Issues like differing desires, erectile dysfunction, or sexual pain can lead to frustration and distance. As the sexual connection wanes, frustration and distance creep in, leaving both partners longing for the passion and closeness that have become elusive.
• Health issues: Serious illnesses or chronic health conditions can put emotional and practical strain on a marriage. These health challenges bring emotional and practical strain, forcing partners to confront the fragility of life together. As they navigate the complexities of illness, the marriage becomes a battleground of resilience and support, with each partner yearning for the strength and emotional connection that can help them weather the storm.
• Lack of appreciation: Feeling undervalued or unappreciated can lead to resentment and emotional detachment. The desire for recognition and acknowledgment becomes a silent plea, as both partners long for the warmth of appreciation that has become increasingly scarce.
• Resentment from past conflicts: Lingering grudges from unresolved issues can poison the relationship over time. Forgiveness remains elusive, leaving both partners yearning for the healing and reconciliation that could free them from the chains of resentment.
• Poor conflict resolution skills: Inability to address disagreements constructively can lead to recurring arguments and frustration. Recurring arguments and frustrations become the norm, with each partner longing for the skills and strategies that can help them navigate conflict more effectively.
• Career conflicts: When one partner’s career takes precedence over the other’s, it can lead to feelings of neglect and imbalance. The shadow of career-related disparities looms large, overshadowing the once-equal partnership. As one partner’s professional success shines brightly, the other may feel overshadowed and undervalued, leaving both yearning for a sense of equilibrium and mutual support.
• Lack of emotional support: Failing to provide emotional comfort and validation during challenging times can leave a spouse feeling unsupported. The yearning for emotional support becomes a constant companion, as both partners long for the reassuring presence of a nurturing connection.
• Social isolation: Couples may drift apart from friends and social activities, leading to loneliness and dependency on each other. The shadow of social isolation darkens the once-vibrant social landscape of the marriage, making it increasingly challenging to find external sources of connection and support. The yearning for a broader social network becomes a quiet plea for renewal and enrichment.
• Lack of compromise: Stubbornness and an unwillingness to meet in the middle can hinder conflict resolution and cooperation. As partners dig their heels into opposing positions, the ground of compromise becomes increasingly barren. The yearning for flexibility and compromise becomes a beacon of hope in the midst of the impasse, offering the promise of smoother navigation through the turbulent waters of disagreement.
• Unrealistic expectations: Believing that marriage should always be perfect can set couples up for disappointment and disillusionment. The pursuit of an idealized version of marriage leads to recurring disappointment, leaving both partners yearning for the acceptance and understanding that can come with embracing the imperfections of a real, imperfect union.
• Misaligned priorities: When each partner values different things, such as career success or personal hobbies, it can lead to conflicts over time and attention. These conflicting priorities cast a shadow over the partnership, making it challenging to find common ground and shared purpose. The yearning for alignment in priorities becomes a quest for a unified vision that can guide the marriage forward.
• Boredom or complacency: Over time, some couples may become complacent, leading to a lack of excitement and emotional detachment. The shadow of monotony and stagnation settles in, obscuring the vibrant connection that once thrived. The yearning for renewed enthusiasm and emotional connection becomes a silent plea for the revitalization of the relationship.
• Cultural differences: Varying cultural backgrounds can result in misunderstandings and disagreements over traditions, values, and customs. Differences in traditions, values, and customs create a tapestry of complexity that can be challenging to navigate. The yearning for cultural harmony and mutual respect becomes a beacon of hope in the quest for unity amid diversity.
• Emotional neglect: Failing to provide emotional care and attention can result in loneliness and disconnection. Partners may find themselves yearning for emotional nourishment that remains elusive. The desire for emotional intimacy becomes a silent plea for the rekindling of emotional bonds.
• Lack of affection: A decline in physical affection, such as hugging and kissing, can lead to emotional distance. The loss of physical intimacy leaves both partners yearning for the warmth and tenderness that once defined their connection. The longing for physical closeness becomes a silent cry for the revival of their physical bond.
• Inability to forgive: Holding onto grudges and past mistakes can prevent emotional healing and reconciliation. The echoes of past wrongs reverberate through the relationship, leaving both partners yearning for the release that forgiveness can bring. The desire for emotional closure becomes a quiet plea for a fresh start.
• Different spending habits: Disagreements on how to manage finances and allocate resources can cause financial stress and conflict. The yearning for financial harmony becomes a beacon of hope in the quest for fiscal stability and cooperation.
• Weight and body image issues: Self-esteem and body image concerns can affect confidence and intimacy in the relationship. These issues cast a shadow of insecurity that can undermine the emotional connection between partners.
• Lack of shared interests: Growing apart in terms of hobbies and interests can reduce opportunities for bonding and shared experiences. As each partner pursues their individual passions, the space for shared connection narrows. The yearning for shared interests becomes a quiet hope for the revitalization of common ground.
• Growing apart over time: As individuals change and evolve, they may find themselves growing apart from their spouse. The emotional distance that emerges becomes a silent reminder of the evolution of each partner’s identity. The yearning for reconnection becomes a poignant wish for a new chapter of shared growth.
• Grief and loss: Coping with the death of a loved one or other significant losses can strain a marriage. These moments of grief and loss create profound challenges, requiring partners to navigate uncharted emotional territory together. The yearning for solace and support becomes a shared journey through the darkest of times.
• Midlife crisis: During middle age, individuals may experience a period of self-reflection and uncertainty, which can impact the marriage. The yearning for clarity and renewal becomes a beacon of hope in the midst of midlife turmoil.
• Technology addiction: Excessive screen time and digital distractions can lead to neglect of the relationship. The yearning for digital detox and reconnection becomes a silent plea for a return to genuine human connection.
• Inability to apologize: Difficulty in acknowledging mistakes and apologizing can hinder conflict resolution and emotional repair. These unresolved conflicts become a barrier to healing and reconciliation, leaving both partners yearning for the emotional repair that can come with genuine remorse and forgiveness.
• Power struggles: Constantly vying for control or dominance in the relationship can lead to ongoing conflicts. These power struggles cast a pall over the partnership, making every decision a potential battleground. The yearning for a more equitable and collaborative dynamic becomes a silent plea for unity amid differences.
• Mental health issues: Conditions like depression, anxiety, or bipolar disorder can impact the emotional dynamics of a marriage. The challenges of living with mental health issues require resilience and support, and the yearning for understanding and empathy becomes a shared journey through the complexities of mental health.
• Boundary violations: Breaches of personal boundaries, such as invasion of privacy, can harm trust and intimacy. These violations erode the sense of safety and intimacy, leaving both partners yearning for the restoration of trust and respect. The desire for healthy boundaries becomes a quiet plea for the preservation of personal autonomy within the relationship.
• Career jealousy: Feeling overshadowed or insecure about a partner’s professional success can create tension. These feelings of inadequacy can strain the emotional connection, leaving both partners yearning for a sense of mutual celebration and support. The desire for professional harmony becomes a silent wish for shared achievements and pride in each other’s accomplishments.
• Lack of independence: Overdependence on one another can lead to a lack of individual growth and self-fulfillment. The longing for independence and personal development becomes a silent plea for the rekindling of individual identities within the context of the partnership.
• Extended family interference: Intrusion or influence from extended family members can disrupt the couple’s autonomy. These conflicts and pressures from relatives create tension, leaving both partners yearning for the reestablishment of boundaries and a return to the sanctity of their partnership.
• Aging and age-related concerns: Coping with aging, including health issues and retirement, can create challenges. These age-related concerns require adaptation and support, and the yearning for companionship and mutual care becomes a shared journey through the later stages of life.
• Lack of appreciation for each other’s efforts: Failing to recognize and acknowledge each other’s contributions can lead to frustration. The longing for gratitude and recognition becomes a silent plea for the restoration of a sense of value and worth within the relationship.
• Change in sexual desires over time: As individuals age or experience hormonal changes, their sexual desires may shift, causing tension. These changes can challenge the intimacy of the relationship, leaving both partners yearning for understanding and adaptation to new desires and needs. The desire for sexual harmony becomes a quiet wish for an evolving and fulfilling intimate connection.
• Lack of trust in the institution of marriage itself: Some individuals may question the value or durability of marriage, leading to doubts and concerns. These existential questions about the nature of commitment and partnership can lead to doubts and concerns about the future. The yearning for faith in the enduring power of marriage becomes a quiet hope for the renewal of trust in the foundation of their union.

How to Solve Marriage Problems

To solve marriage problems, couples can engage in open and honest communication, seek professional help, prioritize quality time together, work on compromise and understanding, address underlying issues, practice forgiveness and let go of grudges, focus on self-improvement, build trust and rebuild after infidelity, seek support from family and friends, or consider couples therapy or marriage counseling.

Open and honest communication

Open and honest communication forms the backbone of a strong marriage. Clear conversation between partners can prevent misunderstandings, effectively solve conflicts, and build mutual respect. Regularly expressing feelings in a calm manner helps cultivate emotional intimacy—essential for a healthier relationship.

Seek professional help

Professionals can offer valuable insights into common marriage problems and how to solve them. Trained experts, like therapists or counsellors, provide a safe space for open discussions about intimacy issues in marriage or other marital issues that you may be experiencing.

Seeking professional help doesn’t signify failure in your relationship; instead, it represents a commitment to make things better. A neutral third-party perspective can often shed light on hidden aspects of the relationship and suggest constructive ways forward.

Prioritize quality time together

Spending quality time together stands as a crucial cornerstone in resolving many marriage difficulties. In the busyness of life, couples often lose focus on each other, resulting in feelings of neglect or loneliness. They forget to nurture their relationship and let love fade away.

Work on compromise and understanding

Compromise serves as a building block in any successful marriage. It involves setting aside personal desires for the benefit of the relationship, encorporating each other’s needs and wants. At times, it may seem difficult to give up what you want for your spouse, but understanding mutual happiness is key.

Address underlying issues

Underlying issues often exacerbate common marriage problems. These could range from individual mental health concerns, past traumas to unresolved conflict and poor communication skills. Ignoring these challenges in marriage only fuels resentment and disconnect over time. Quarrels may be frequent, with the same problems resurfacing because the root cause remains unaddressed.

Practice forgiveness and let go of grudges

Holding onto grudges often leads to prolonged disagreements and discontent in marriages. Learning the art of forgiveness is essential to tackle common marriage problems. It involves letting go of past disputes, showing empathy towards your partner, and working towards a harmonious relationship.

Adopting forgiveness as a primary tool helps immensely in solving husband wife problem solutions. While it’s understandable that some wrongs feel too significant to forgive instantly, remember that harboring resentment only harms your peace of mind and amplifies marital issues.

Focus on self-improvement

Developing a better version of yourself often aids in resolving marriage problems. Personal growth can bring about positive change within relationships. This includes improving communication, being more understanding, cultivating patience, and enhancing other emotional intelligence skills you need to thrive as a spouse.

Build trust and rebuild after infidelity

Rebuilding trust after infidelity is a challenging but necessary step in repairing a marriage. Both partners must be committed to the process and willing to put in the work. It starts with open and honest communication, where both individuals can express their feelings and concerns without judgment.

Seeking professional help, such as couples therapy or marriage counseling, can also provide valuable guidance during this difficult time.

Seek support from family and friends

Finding support from family and friends is crucial when navigating through the challenges of marriage. Your loved ones can offer a fresh perspective and provide emotional support during difficult times. Lean on them for guidance and encouragement as you work towards resolving your issues.

Consider couples therapy or marriage counseling

Consider couples therapy or marriage counseling as a valuable option to help resolve the challenges you may be facing in your marriage. These professional services offer a safe and neutral space for both partners to express their concerns, improve communication, and work towards finding practical solutions.

In conclusion, solving the common problems that arise in marriage requires open and honest communication, seeking professional help when needed, prioritizing quality time together, working on compromise and understanding, addressing underlying issues, practicing forgiveness and letting go of grudges, focusing on self-improvement, building trust after infidelity, seeking support from family and friends, and considering couples therapy or marriage counseling.

By taking these proactive steps, couples can overcome challenges and strengthen their relationship for a happier future together.

• September 28, 2023

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These 12 Common Problems Threaten Even Happy Marriages

If you're experiencing problems in your marriage, you're not alone. fortunately, these common marriage problems can be solved with a little effort..

• Brad Browning

Last updated on Jun 06, 2023

Though marriage is often thought to be the “happily ever after” phase of relationships, don’t be fooled into believing that married couples don’t face their fair share of issues and challenges.

While some common marriage problems can easily be resolved, others may be tough to tackle — and could even signal the beginning of a marriage's end.

Since the future of most marriages depends largely on how couples deal with issues as they arise, if you want to protect your own marriage from the possibility of a divorce, it’s helpful to have a heads up on the most common issues that come with the territory known as married life.

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12 Common Marriage Problems and How to Solve Them

1. overstepping boundaries..

Once couples are married, it’s not uncommon for one spouse to try and change their partner. Whether it’s their fashion sense or their fundamental beliefs, trying to change your spouse is a personal invasion, and when it happens, the victimized spouse will feel disrespected, hurt, or even angry.

Oftentimes, overstepping someone’s personal boundaries is done intentionally, with a mission in mind. This type of behavior stomps on the very idea of mutual respect, and the end result will likely be retaliation or withdrawal from the attacked spouse. In turn, it makes it hard for spouses to communicate, love, and be open with one another.

It’s also possible to unintentionally overstep personal boundaries, especially if this happens while genuinely trying to help your spouse.

What you can do about it: To avoid invasion, know where to draw the line when it comes to pushing for change.

2. Lacking complete communication.

Though the words “talking” and “communicating” are often used interchangeably, it’s important to understand that the two differ greatly from one another.

Talking is about giving information without the need for a response, and it leaves plenty of room for complaining and criticism. Communication, however, is a verbal and nonverbal exchange of information that requires a response. Because it takes more than one person to communicate, it’s focused on a connection between people where it’s safe to openly share ideas and information free of judgment.

When spouses fail to practice proper communication, it’s easy for them to fall into a habitual way of ineffectively speaking to one another. What’s worse is that if poor communication skills are not dealt with, it’s possible for more serious problems to arise.

What you can do about it: Couples should learn how to communicate with one another to keep their love life on track and also prevent these unnecessary issues.

3. Letting things go in the bedroom.

While there are many reasons why couples lose interest in sexual intimacy or struggle with physical affection, it’s important for spouses to find ways to keep their sex life fresh and fulfilling.

Sex may seem like a small piece of the marriage puzzle, but it’s actually rare to have a healthy relationship without it.

Unfortunately, there’s a vicious cycle when it comes to sex: It’s hard to want to have it when you feel emotionally detached, but it’s hard to feel emotionally attached without physical intimacy.

What you can do about it: To get past a dry spell , couples need to identify problem areas in their marriage and work through them to become physically comfortable with each other.

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4. Wandering focuses.

Another common issue couples face is a shift in focus after marriage. When either spouse redirects their attention from the relationship to other interests — be it a career, children, friends, or other social activities or hobbies — it’s common for their partner to feel the brunt of the situation, and for the relationship to suffer from a loss of attention.

In these types of situations, spouses may even begin to feel more like roommates than lovers, which is why it’s so important to find a balance between personal interests and being an attentive partner.

It’s perfectly acceptable (and even encouraged) for spouses to have their own separate interests and goals, so long as they manage their schedules to fit in quality time with one another.

A common mistake married people make when this happens is to overreact, because in doing so they’re more or less telling their spouse they cannot have a life without them.

What you can do about it: Instead of taking it personally, understand that your partner has won you and is now pursuing other challenges in life. Find a happy medium for your relationship to grow and support one another’s ambitions.

5. Emotional infidelity.

As unfortunate as it may be, once couples get married, it’s not uncommon for them to become emotionally disconnected from one another. When this happens, it’s likely that at least one spouse’s needs will become unmet, and so they may start looking elsewhere to feel fulfilled .

This is where emotional "infidelity" has the opportunity to slip into the marriage.

Some people feel that emotional infidelity is worse than physical cheating because it’s about more than just sex; it’s about connecting with another person on an intimate level.

What you can do about it: In order to prevent infidelity of any kind, couples must be clear on what they both consider cheating to be. Initially partners may not have the same feelings towards what does and doesn’t count as cheating, but getting on the same page will lessen the chances of them allowing it to happen. It’s also important that spouses remain supportive of one another’s emotional needs, because when these are met, they won’t have as much interested in looking elsewhere.

6. Fighting about money.

When couples bond, it’s common for their bank accounts to follow suit. While this may not always be the case, even married couples that decide to keep their finances separate still face issues when it comes to money.

Discussing finances with your spouse can be stressful and tense, especially if the couple has different spending habits or ways of managing money. In these types of edgy situations, it’s common for the conversation to become less about money and more about personal values and habits. For example, when one spouse is stressed about money they may be less patient and more irritated in general. They may even pick fights with their partner about unrelated things without realizing it.

What you can do about it: To avoid this issue, be sure that you and your spouse are on the same page when it comes to dollars and cents. Make a financial plan together and skip any unnecessary disagreements by staying focused on the situation at hand.

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7. Waning appreciation for one another.

When appreciation between married partners decreases, conflict tends to rise.

Since both men and women crave positive recognition, when spouses stop acknowledging one another’s efforts or fail to express gratitude for loving gestures, it’s likely their partner will stop doing those once appreciated actions. When this happens, couples tend to become bitter or agitated with one another.

What you can do about it: When those once small, yet loving unexpected gestures become expected, they lose their magic and become a chore rather than a choice. Whether you’ve been with your spouse for 12 months or 12 years, it’s important to keep appreciating one another for the things you both do.

8. Technology interference.

In a world that’s largely run by technology, it can be tough not to get caught up with electronic gadgets. This is why more and more couples are reporting that their spouse’s obsession with technology is interfering with their marriages .

Let’s say, for example, a wife becomes so wrapped up with her smartphone that she’s texting her pals at the dinner table instead of engaging in conversation with her husband. Or, perhaps a husband is so fixed on his tablet that all he wants to do after dinner is play games on it and browse Facebook.

These situations can replace healthy communication and even intimacy. It may sound bizarre, but they’re real-life issues.

What you can do about it: Take an honest look at your technology habits. If technology is taking priority over your marriage, it’s time to snap yourself back to reality.

9. Selfishness.

If one spouse acts selfishly and consistently places their own needs and desires ahead of their spouse’s, then it’ll only be a matter of time until the neglected spouse feels unworthy and unloved.

When couples get married, they’re promising to love one another for better or worse, and part of that promise means not acting selfishly. While this may sound easy enough, the green-eyed monster comes in many sneaky shapes and forms.

At its worse, selfishness is controlling, manipulative, jealous, possessive, and abusive. In milder forms, it can be seen in a lack of consideration and respect.

What you can do about it: In order to prevent issues of selfishness in marriage, spouses must learn how to act with empathy and create a balance between both their own and their spouses needs.

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10. Lack of trust.

Trust is the very basis of love, and without it a healthy marriage cannot exist. When a spouse cheats, lies, or breaks a promise, it can really hurt the relationship.

What you can do about it: Restoring trust in a marriage where someone has been betrayed is no easy task, and both spouses must be committed to fixing the relationship in order to have any success on moving past the issue. If the issues are not dealt with, the betrayed spouse will continue to feel hurt, anger, and suspicious.

11. Uncontrolled anger.

While it’s normal for married couples to get angry with each other from time to time, it’s important that both spouses act appropriately when these types of situations arise.

What you can do about it: Instead of reacting explosively with outburst or fits of rage, couples need to address the issue at hand (stay on topic), keep calm, and consider one another’s feelings. It’s also important that couples listen, openly express their opinions, and avoid defensive behaviors.

12. Changing ambitions.

Most of the time, when couples decide to get married they’re on the same path and have discussed their wants for the future. That said, a common issue between spouses is when one or both partners change their minds and come up with new plans or ambitions as time passes.

Take, for example, a couple who has agreed to get married, buy a house, and start their family. If after the honeymoon either partner decides that they would rather travel for a year, go back to school, or aren’t ready for kids, then the couple could have some major issues on their hands.

What you can do about it: While there’s no reason to harass your spouse or worry that they will change their mind down the road, it’s important to keep communication lines open to avoid shocking surprises of this kind.

RELATED:  The 25 Best Pieces Of Marriage Advice Happy Couples Follow

Brad Browning is a relationship coach and breakup expert from Vancouver, Canada, who works with couples to repair and improve their relationships.

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Why marriage counseling? A guide to therapy for couples

Despite its ability to improve many relationships, the stigma surrounding marriage counseling still affects some couples’ decisions to attend. Some individuals may believe marriage counseling should only function as a “last resort” before separation or divorce, but this is typically untrue. Marriage counseling can be helpful for any couple, even those who aren’t experiencing challenges related to relationship satisfaction. In addition, counseling can be customized to fit the particular needs of a specific relationship, with multiple therapy options available for couples to choose from. 

What is marriage counseling?

Marriage counseling, also known as couples therapy, is a form of psychotherapy that typically aims to help married couples resolve conflict, enhance their communication skills, and strengthen their relationship. Marriage counseling can provide a safe and supportive environment for couples to explore their feelings, thoughts, and behaviors while learning new ways to improve their relationship . 

Types of couples therapy

Different types of marriage counseling are available, each with its unique approach and techniques. Depending on your concerns or the areas you’d like to progress in, a marriage counselor may employ one or more of the following types of therapy to offer guidance and support. 

Cognitive-behavioral couples therapy (CBCT)

The goal of cognitive-behavioral couples therapy is to identify and change negative patterns of thinking and behavior that may be causing problems in a relationship. CBCT therapists work with couples to help them develop more positive communication styles, learn problem-solving skills, and develop strategies to manage conflict.

Behavioral couples therapy

Behavioral couples therapy is based on psychological theories of operant conditioning. This type of therapy aims to support couples in reducing negative behaviors such as criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling through techniques such as behavioral shaping, behavioral rehearsal, acceptance, and communication skills training.

Emotionally-focused therapy (EFT)

Emotionally-focused therapy centers on helping couples improve their emotional bond. Since relationship problems often stem from a breakdown in the emotional connection between partners, improving this connection in EFT may lead to more positive interactions and greater relationship satisfaction. 

Solution-focused brief therapy (SFBT)

Solution-focused brief therapy aims to teach couples how to find solutions to specific challenges within their marriage rather than analyzing past obstacles. In SFBT, the therapist helps the couple identify their strengths and resources and take practical steps to improve their relationship. This type of therapy is often more appropriate for couples facing a specific problem like financial disagreement rather than a fundamental concern—such as differing values or infidelity. 

Imago relationship therapy

Imago relationship therapy is a type of couples therapy that seeks to assist partners in understanding each other's needs and healing past wounds by exploring childhood experiences and patterns of relating. It uses a structured dialogue process and a variety of exercises to allow partners to improve their communication patterns and create a more conscious and loving relationship.

The Gottman method

Developed by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, the Gottman Method uses a structured approach, including assessments, interventions, and homework assignments, to help couples identify and address their unique challenges and develop practical skills for a long-lasting relationship.

Why marriage counseling? Signs you may need marriage counseling

If you and your partner face any of the following challenges, marriage counseling may be worth considering.

Problems with communication

Lack of communication, miscommunication, and negative communication patterns are a few common challenges that may lead a couple to seek counseling. If you and your partner have trouble interacting effectively or feel like you're not being heard or understood, it may be time to seek counseling.

Constant conflict

Experiencing conflict in a marriage is normal, but if you and your spouse regularly argue and can’t find a solution, you may benefit from marriage counseling. A marriage counselor can teach you strategies for avoiding conflict and managing disagreements in a healthy, productive way. 

Loss of intimacy

If your marriage lacks emotional or physical intimacy, marriage counseling can help you and your spouse address this and reconnect. A marriage counselor can teach you how to communicate your needs, preferences, and boundaries while offering mutually-agreeable solutions for improved intimacy and connection. 

Difficulty with trust

Lack of trust is a common reason many couples seek counseling. It may be difficult to trust your partner if you’ve experienced betrayal in a past relationship. Trust problems may also arise if one or both partners have broken trust in the relationship, such as through infidelity or dishonesty. A marriage therapist can help you process and work through these challenges and rebuild the trust in your relationship.

Life transitions

Life transitions can significantly strain a marriage. If you're going through a major life transition, such as a new job, a move, or the birth of a child, counseling can help you navigate these changes while still maintaining a strong relationship.

Different goals or values

Over time, some couples grow apart due to changing life goals or values. If you and your partner struggle to find common ground on this subject, counseling can help you explore these differences, find compromises, and move forward together. 

Contemplating separation or divorce

Whether due to a significant betrayal or an extended period of disconnect, some couples reach a point where separation or divorce seems like the right option. If you're considering ending your marriage or separating, counseling can provide a neutral space to discuss your concerns, explore your options, and make informed decisions about your future.

Family problems

A life partnership often involves navigating complex family relationships involving children and in-laws. Couples counseling can assist couples who are navigating these types of challenges within a marriage. At the same time, family therapy may be beneficial when a married couple wants to involve other family members in their counseling sessions. 

Benefits of marriage counseling

Every relationship is unique, and a couple’s goals and relationship dynamics may affect their experience with marriage counseling. Often, couples enter therapy for a specific reason and find that other aspects of their relationship improve as they find new ways to relate. Here are a few commonly-reported benefits of marriage counseling.

Enhanced communication skills

One of the primary goals of a marriage counselor is to teach couples how to communicate more effectively, express their needs and feelings, and listen to their partner with empathy and understanding. 

Conflict resolution

In counseling, couples can identify and resolve conflicts constructively and develop strategies for managing disagreements in a healthy way in the future.

Increased intimacy

Counseling can help couples rebuild intimacy, deepen their understanding and connection, and reignite their passion and love for one another.

Enhanced problem-solving skills

Conflict can be inevitable, and it can be important for couples to understand how to move past disagreements as a team. Counseling teaches couples problem-solving skills and communication strategies for addressing challenges and making decisions together.

Increased self-awareness

A marriage counselor can help couples better understand themselves and their partner and learn how to recognize and manage their emotions and behaviors.

Strengthened commitment

Counseling can be beneficial for couples seeking to renew their commitment and develop a shared vision for their future together.

Often, marriage therapy is what you make of it. If both you and your spouse are dedicated to improving your marriage, you typically have a higher chance of achieving the desired results . 

The role of a marriage counselor

A marriage counselor is typically a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT). This type of therapist is specifically trained to act as a neutral party and help couples identify and address relationship conflicts without “taking sides” or passing judgment. Marriage counselors are trained in various therapeutic techniques and interventions aimed at helping couples develop effective communication and problem-solving skills. 

A marriage counselor offers guidance and support as couples navigate challenging conversations and may intervene if they notice negative or unhelpful communication patterns. Often, a marriage counselor will give their clients “homework” and may provide resources and referrals for additional support as needed. Overall, the role of the marriage counselor is to provide a safe and supportive environment where couples can work toward building a stronger, healthier, and more fulfilling relationship together.

Marriage counseling techniques

Depending on a couple’s needs and goals for therapy, a counselor may use any number of techniques in a marriage counseling session. These techniques are often intended to improve the couple’s communication skills or help them develop healthier habits in their marriage. Here are a few common couples counseling techniques :

• Narrative therapy can help couples reframe relationship obstacles in a beneficial way by reshaping narratives surrounding their marriage and experiences.
• Reflective listening is a common communication technique that teaches couples active listening skills. 
• Identifying love languages can teach couples how to identify, understand, and meet one another’s needs.
• Building positive communication is central to many therapeutic approaches, as healthier communication patterns can reduce conflict and increase relationship satisfaction.
• Scheduling quality time is a common therapeutic technique that asks couples to prioritize quality time together with the goal of deepening connection and affection.
• Enhancing physical intimacy is another facet of marriage counseling that can help couples improve and expand upon nonverbal communication patterns such as romantic touch and sexual intimacy.

Finding a marriage counselor

If you’re experiencing marital strain and believe you and your partner could benefit from counseling, you may consider finding one locally or taking your search online. You can speak with a counselor through an online platform like BetterHelp for individuals or ReGain for couples. Online couples therapy offers a way to attend marriage counseling from the comfort of home, or anywhere with a strong internet connection. This may be beneficial for couples with busy schedules, careers that require frequent travel, or long-distance relationships. It may also be ideal for couples that struggle to secure childcare for in-person appointments. Regardless of the concerns you might be facing in your marriage, a therapist can help you and your partner address them and come up with some productive next steps. 

The efficacy of online marriage counseling

Research into the outcomes of couples counseling has shown that various types of couples treatment have proven to be effective, specifically in their ability to reduce relationship stress. Furthermore, studies on the efficacy of online therapy consistently show it to be as effective as face-to-face modalities, and research that specifically explored the effectiveness of online couples therapy found the same.

• Nine DIY Marriage Counseling Exercises To Improve Your Relationship Medically reviewed by Nikki Ciletti , M.Ed, LPC
• A Guide To Starting Marriage Counseling Medically reviewed by Nikki Ciletti , M.Ed, LPC
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How to Solve Marriage Problems: The 4 Steps to Resolution

This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman and Nan Silver. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.

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What are the most common causes of disagreement in a marriage? How can you handle disagreement peacefully and effectively?

According to relationship researcher John Gottman, you’ll encounter two categories of disagreement in your marriage: solvable problems and perpetual problems. As their name implies, solvable problems are relatively simple issues that you can fix.

Here’s how to solve marriage problems in a calm and tactful manner.

Solvable Marriage Problems

In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work , relationship researcher John Gottman (along with co-author Nan Silver) explains how to solve marriage problems that are solvable :

Step 1: Adjust the beginning . If you begin the conversation negatively, you’re more likely to induce a negative response from your spouse. Instead, begin the conversation calmly. First, describe your emotions about the issue. Avoid making accusatory statements that begin with “you,” generalizing the issue, or passing immediate judgment. Second, express your desires (not what you don’t desire) to your partner.

For example, say that you’re upset because your partner is on their phone during dinner. Don’t say, “I can’t believe you’re on your phone! You never make time for me.” Instead, say, “I’m really upset that you’re on your phone during dinner. I’d like to spend time with you when we’re both focused solely on each other.”

(Shortform note: In Attached , Levine and Heller suggest other ways to adjust the beginning of your conflicts . First, time your discussion for when both of you are calm and collected. If the situation is already volatile, let it simmer down before you attempt an honest, forthright discussion. Second, when expressing your needs, keep in mind that your goal is not to make your partner feel inadequate but merely to express your needs without blaming or judging. This will help you focus on using phrases like “I need” or “I want.” Third, even if you do have a general complaint, use specific examples and concrete language; using generalities leaves room for misunderstandings.) 

Step 2. Practice de-escalation . As we learned previously, a crucial difference between happy and unhappy couples is whether they respond to each other’s de-escalation attempts. Gottman and Silver explain that improving your marital friendship will naturally increase the likelihood that you’ll notice your spouse’s de-escalation attempts, but he also recommends practicing de-escalation. During an argument, if you’re making the attempt, try announcing to your partner that you’re doing so. If you’re listening to the attempt, do your best to receive it and heed your partner’s request. For example, if they say, “I’m making a de-escalation attempt. Can we take a break?” let them do so.

(Shortform note: Other relationship experts warn that you shouldn’t expect your partner to respond positively to your de-escalation attempt . If it doesn’t go over well, don’t get angry with your partner; rather, calm yourself and then evaluate what you could do differently—for example, you might adjust your tone. If you’re the one struggling to accept the de-escalation attempt, try switching your perspective: Look for the good in your partner instead of focusing on their flaws. Finally, after you’ve both calmed down, discuss any failed de-escalation attempts; knowing why they didn’t work will help you find ones that do.) 

Step 3. Calm down . Gottman and Silver note that if you’re feeling flooded, you likely won’t be able to have a productive discussion. So pay attention to your emotional and physical state: If you feel as though you’re about to blow up on your partner or your heart rate rises dramatically, you’re likely flooded. If so, take a 20-minute break to calm yourself. Do something that prevents you from ruminating on your argument; Gottman and Silver suggest physical exercise or meditation.

(Shortform note: Some experts suggest that your attachment style dictates how you respond to a fight . If you’re an anxious attacher, you may be prone to becoming flooded because you’re more highly attuned to the threat the fight poses (your partner leaving you). So it might be particularly important for you to take a break; if you can’t calm yourself, try distracting yourself by watching a TV show. In contrast, if you’re an avoidant attacher, you might resist any efforts to resolve conflict because you want to maintain some emotional distance. So try not to ask your partner for a break unless you really need one; don’t ask for a break as a way to avoid talking about the issue.) 

Once you’ve calmed yourself, try calming your partner . Gottman and Silver explain that if you regularly calm your partner, your partner will connect your presence with a reduction in stress rather than an increase in stress, which will naturally improve your relationship. This does not mean telling your partner to “calm down” mid-argument; this will only anger them further because they’ll feel as though you’re not taking them seriously. Instead, pick a time when you’re not fighting to brainstorm ways to relax each other. Then, after your 20-minute break, do the thing you’ve discussed; giving each other massages is a popular relaxation technique. 

Step 4. Negotiate. Gottman and Silver argue that if you want a happy marriage, you must learn to negotiate a solution that works for both of you. If one of you consistently gives in to your spouse, you’ll breed resentment that damages your marriage. 

To negotiate effectively, first adjust your attitude . You must be willing to hear your partner out, even if you think they’re wrong—otherwise, you won’t be able to have a productive discussion. 

Second, each of you separately should draw two circles , one within the other. In the smaller circle, list everything about the issue that you can’t budge on. In the larger circle, list everything you’re willing to negotiate. Do your best to minimize the list in the smaller circle.

Third, share your circles with each other to negotiate a solution that incorporates both your inner circles. Try this solution for a few weeks; if the problem doesn’t improve, revisit your circles and come up with an alternative solution.

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• Four principles for improving your marital friendship
• The three warning signs that your marriage is in trouble
• ← How Do Childhood Experiences Affect Adulthood?
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Darya Sinusoid

Darya’s love for reading started with fantasy novels (The LOTR trilogy is still her all-time-favorite). Growing up, however, she found herself transitioning to non-fiction, psychological, and self-help books. She has a degree in Psychology and a deep passion for the subject. She likes reading research-informed books that distill the workings of the human brain/mind/consciousness and thinking of ways to apply the insights to her own life. Some of her favorites include Thinking, Fast and Slow, How We Decide, and The Wisdom of the Enneagram.

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Home » Articles » Marriage » 10 Strategies to Help Solve Your Marriage Problems

10 Strategies to Help Solve Your Marriage Problems

All Pro Dad

Many good marriages slip into crisis because we don’t or won’t believe how much work it takes to keep relationships healthy and thriving. It’s just like when you stop investing in the house you are living in. It will easily fall into disrepair. Think back to when you first started to pursue your wife. It required commitment, hard work, and imagination. If winning her required that back then, why does it surprise us when neglect creates marriage problems after we walk down the aisle? She wouldn’t have married you if you took her for granted. Why risk everything now?

There are many good strategies if you want to restore your marriage. We suggest these 10 strategies to help solve your marriage problems.

1. Surround yourselves with people in healthy relationships.

Some of those negative patterns may have involved friends. Surround yourself with people who value marriage and where there’s widespread support for making yours work.

2. Choose to love.

Love is as much a choice as it is an emotion. Love may have come easy when it was brand new. Love is as much a choice as it is an emotion. Choice is an act of maturity and it has a much better track record than emotion left to make its way on its own.

3. Act as if your spouse’s happiness is more important than your own.

Putting our spouse first nurtures trust, gratitude, generosity, and affection. It can also lead to physical intimacy.

4. Put the relationship ahead of everything, including your children.

It’s unfortunate, but time has a way of eating away at our priorities. “You’re the most important thing in my life” gives way to “my work… the family business…the children… my aging parents… even golf, football or drinking…” Marriages don’t work well when our partner plays second fiddle to anything – even the children. It’s a fact – the happiest kids are those with parents who love one-another best.

5. Start over from scratch.

Ask her out. Make sure you remember why you did the first time and build from there. When did you last talk for hours, hold hands at a movie, or give her a kiss when she wasn’t expecting it? Get silly about one-another. If you don’t feel like it, do it anyway- then you’ll remember why.

6. Stop taking one-another for granted.

Say “thank you” for that cup of coffee. Celebrate obscure anniversaries. Tell her how much it means to you that she cooks a great meal – or vice versa. Notice the haircut. Ask her out. Clean her car. Pay attention to the little things and act like someone who values the relationship.

7. Pray for your spouse.

Chances are you launched your marriage with both promises and prayers. Pray for your spouse , and ask for guidance as you pledge to make the kind of effort that simply won’t float without turning to God every day.

8. Get counseling.

You say you can’t afford it? Believe us, it’s cheaper than divorce. Most counseling simply involves a few sessions to get the communication flowing again. For guys, a willingness to talk in that context sends a huge, positive message to your spouse.

9. Follow the counseling with an action plan.

Just like a personal fitness program, counseling comes with homework and an action plan over time. Draw up the plan, ask friends you trust to help hold you accountable, then follow through. When both spouses take responsibility, anything is possible.

10. Change the patterns.

Do you always come home angry? Then stop the car a block away and pray about it first or do whatever else it takes to change your attitude. Does she always nag you when you leave dirty clothes on the floor? Try getting changed in a different room and initiate a new reflex. Do you always fight about discipline? Try agreeing with her decisions and supporting her 100% – you may find the kids act better because you’re not fighting. You’ve heard the old joke:

Patient: “Doctor, it hurts when I do that…”

Doctor: “Well, don’t do that anymore.”

Huddle Up Question

Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What are some strategies you can use when you are having a difficult time getting along with someone?”

More Resources

Forgiveness: It’s Not What You Think

A House Divided

From “My Wife Hates Me” to “My Wife Loves Me”

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How to Know When Your Marriage Is in Trouble

• By Mitch Temple
• July 9, 2021

Marriage problems vary in complexity. You can solve most marriage trouble without help from a professional counselor. However some situations indicate you should consider guidance from an expert.

You can go directly to specific sections of this article using these links: Help for various marriage problems Does your marriage need help? Is your marriage in crisis? Is your marriage worth saving? When a spouse won’t get help Can you do it alone? How should you approach your spouse about marriage counseling? How do you find a Christian marriage counselor?

Every marriage experiences problems. No matter how long you have been married — whether one year or 40 years — you will have marriage trouble. Marital problems can be extremely intense and painful, and those hurts can cut deeply and last a long time.

The pain caused by someone you care about as much as your spouse may be very difficult to deal with. Most of us have preconceived ideas about how our spouses should treat us. We expect mistreatment from other people, but not from our spouses. As human beings, we often think, feel and behave in ways that are hurtful, even toward those we love. Flawed people treat one another in flawed ways; so no matter how much we care, we’ll sometimes hurt each other.

Your marriage isn’t doomed because you hurt each other, have difficulty communicating or have disagreements over important issues. Couples have been experiencing and solving problems on their own, beginning with Adam and Eve and continuing to this day. The more experience and maturity a couple develops in a marriage, the more success gained in managing and solving problems. Through the Holy Spirit, God resides in the marriage of two Christians and gives them the ability to successfully manage relationships in a healthy and productive way ( Malachi 2:15 ).

Ask other couples what it took to build a strong and successful relationship and move beyond marriage troubles. Rest assured that their strong marriages did not develop overnight. They experienced some of the same problems you have. One reason their marriages are strong today is that they were committed to the idea that no matter what obstacles they faced, they would learn to manage their problems and overcome crises on an ongoing basis.

When to seek immediate help

The principles we’re suggesting are not intended to deal with every problem that couples face in marriage. We especially don’t want to imply that you should remain in a situation where your safety or the safety of your family is at risk. If you are in a relationship where your spouse displays any of the following signs, please seek help immediately:

• Abuse: verbal, emotional, sexual, spiritual or physical
• Symptoms of a significant mental illness
• Major chemical imbalance
• Threats to your safety or the safety of your children

These are not simplistic issues and cannot be dealt with by simply reading an article or a book, or talking to a friend . Seek professional help immediately.

Help for various marriage troubles

Marital problems can range from minor to serious to crisis-level, with each requiring a different kind of help. The following examples use fictitious but realistic characters to illustrate how wide-ranging marriage problems can be. Help is available at all levels and can turn even a hopeless-looking situation around in a radical way.

Minor problems

Darrin and Shelby aren’t communicating like they used to. They disagree often about how to discipline their kids, and they spend less time together. They recognize the need to refresh their marriage and attend a marriage seminar together at church. After the seminar they begin to find success implementing the tools they discovered.

Serious problems

Erik and Alina are either fighting or withdrawing, and Erik has threatened several times to leave. It becomes clear to both of them that their marriage will not survive without making it a priority to learn to relate in healthy ways. They find a Christian counselor; after repeated visits, they learn to break their destructive patterns.

Marissa is devastated to learn that Neil has had an extramarital affair. At first she wants to divorce him. She throws him out of the house. But in time, she realizes that she wants to fight for her marriage. He wants to rebuild their relationship, too. She insists on a separation until they can complete intensive marriage counseling. After six months, Neil moves back in, and both commit to new patterns of behavior and continued counseling.

Diagnosing the core problem

Though problems such as those described above are common in marriage, they can become extreme in a short time. If you think your marriage is in trouble and the problems in your marriage have become unmanageable, unhealthy and destructive, or cause extreme emotional distress, you may need someone from outside your marriage to help provide objective help. This is someone who can address the root problem and not simply the presenting issue , that is, the apparent problem.

For example, the presenting problem might be your spouse failing to control his or her spending. The core issue might be not setting appropriate boundaries.

If a problem causes considerable distress and you don’t seem to make progress addressing it, approach the problem from a different angle. For ongoing, unmanageable problems, visit a licensed Christian marriage counselor . It’s best to work with someone rooted in Christian values to complement your beliefs. This counselor should be professionally trained to work with relationship issues. Not every counselor is trained to deal with complicated relationship problems, nor does every counselor hold to basic Christian values.

Does your marriage need help?

Marriage problems vary in complexity, and most problems won’t need the help of a professional counselor to solve. However some situations indicate you should consider guidance from an expert:

Concern from family and friends

If your family or friends recognize that you have a problem, pay attention. People outside your marriage can often spot a serious problem before you can. Family members and friends often have intuitive hunches or become concerned about your relationship based on behaviors or attitudes you may manifest. Listen carefully if someone expresses concerns about the health of your marriage.

Children’s behavior

Another indicator involves your children. Their behavior can often provide a barometer of what is occurring inside a home. You and your spouse may believe that the current level of interaction and health in your marriage is OK, but your children may sense that something is wrong and needs to change

Young children often react to marriage trouble by acting out their frustrations. They begin to act out at school, around friends or even at home. Teens will often react to trouble at home by becoming involved in negative behaviors that are out of character for them. Teens typically attempt to deal with the stress of their parents’ unhealthy marriage in unhealthy ways.

The present compared to the past

A practical, commonsense indicator that you need counseling comes from comparing the way your marriage used to be to the way it is currently. In the beginning of marriage, most couples spend a great deal of time together, serve each other, compromise on differences, communicate and solve basic problems. If these practices were once commonplace and are now extremely rare or nonexistent, your marriage is likely struggling.

Physical abuse

If physical abuse is taking place in your marriage, the first concern is safety. If you are being physically abused or threatened, get to a safe place. Don’t remain in a situation where you are likely to be hurt again. Contact your local abuse hotline or the police. Understand that abuse is never justified or normal.

Most addiction problems in marriage — such as drugs, alcohol, gambling and  pornography  — cannot be solved by the addict or the spouse. Treatment for addiction is a complex and long-term process. It will not just go away. It requires professional help and ongoing recovery. Inpatient treatment is frequently required to beat an addiction. Addiction can quickly destroy a marriage, so don’t try to deal with it on your own.

Sexual problems

Because sexual dynamics in marriage are so personal and so much a part of biblical oneness, this area of your marriage should be nurtured and protected. If sexual problems are persistent in your marriage, avoiding or ignoring them will not make them go away. Sexual problems can lead to more severe problems, such as a spouse seeking alternatives for having physical or emotional needs met. As eating properly is essential to good physical health, healthy sex is vital to good marital health. Don’t ignore sexual problems in your marriage.

Emotional problems

If you or your spouse begin to experience problems such as ongoing anger,  depression , anxiety, abnormal stress, guilt or  biochemical problems  (e.g., bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, paranoia or other psychoses), you need help. Emotional problems are often reactions to something being out of balance with your spouse or in the relationship. Until the core problems are properly addressed, the presenting problems and emotional disturbances will keep reoccurring. One emotional problem left untreated can lead to more serious problems. For example, unhealthy anger can lead to severe depression. Until the anger issue is addressed, the depression will likely continue.

Extramarital affairs

The discovery of an affair is one of the darkest and most painful moments in marriage. The emotional damage and accompanying symptoms that take place after an affair are monumental. There is no hurt or pain like the pain felt by a betrayed spouse. The emotional pain and intensity reflect the experience of an extremely traumatic event. Shock, denial, anger, sadness and other emotions are normal.

When this level of hurt occurs, you need to get professional help because your marriage is in trouble. After an affair, most people can’t go through the healing process successfully without outside intervention. You experience thoughts, feelings and spiritual challenges never felt before.

Don’t attempt to be objective and try to manage the roller coaster of emotions alone without professional Christian counseling.  Marriage intensives  are also available. They are specifically designed to help turn around marriages that have experienced crises such as affairs. Ongoing counseling and support are always necessary — even after a couple attends an intensive or crisis seminar.

Realize that  an extramarital affair doesn’t necessarily mean your marriage is over . As painful and difficult as it can be, an affair could be the turning point in many marriages to help the couple move from dysfunction and pain to health and success.

Prolonged withdrawal is always a dangerous sign. Withdrawal in a marriage indicates that one or both of you have reached a point of such intense pain that you can’t function inside the relationship any longer, so you withdraw physically or emotionally. The natural result of withdrawal is a downward spiral into an apathetic state where you simply don’t care any more. Communication, sex, affection and other normal relational necessities become nonexistent.

Ongoing withdrawal is one of the most difficult states a married couple can be in — and is one of the most difficult states to get out of. As long as there is some type of interaction, including healthy arguments, there is still some level of concern or care in the marriage. But withdrawal is a sign that one or both spouses have given up.

The couple in this situation typically needs counseling so they can start over to rebuild the trust, concern and emotion vital to the growth and functioning of a healthy marriage. And if counseling didn’t work previously, there is no reason to believe that trying a different type of program or counseling in the future won’t work.

Destructive patterns

Do you continue to follow the same destructive pattern that creates marriage trouble? If you continue to experience a problem and the same reactions surface repeatedly, you likely need outside help. Doing the same thing will only net you the same result. Getting into a rut is extremely easy for a couple. The only way to get out of a deeply ingrained pattern is to change course and responses. Calling an experienced Christian therapist could be the first step to pulling you out of the rut.

Some patterns can be altered without outside intervention. For example, a wife may consistently complain and nag as soon as her husband walks in the door from work. If she is made aware of this unconscious habit, she could become motivated to break it. Simply learning to give her husband a few minutes to unwind after arriving home may also precipitate a willingness on his part to respond to his wife with a better disposition.

Negative spiritual relationship

The Bible teaches that a marriage is systemically connected to a couple’s relationship with God. If your marriage is unhealthy, it will eventually affect your spiritual life. The apostle Peter writes:

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. … Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.  ( 1 Peter 3:1-2,7 )

Marriage problems can obstruct healthy access to God and the spiritual blessings that flow from it. If your marriage is causing you a tremendous amount of pain, you will most likely not focus on your relationship with God. You may even say and do things that are out of character and dishonoring to God. Pain has a way of overriding our values, instincts and even our beliefs.

For example, no matter how well trained and mildly tempered a dog may be, if you stand on his paw long enough and with enough intensity, he may bite you. The same is true with pain: If you stay in it long enough, your thoughts, beliefs and behavior can be negatively (and dramatically) affected.

If your marriage is unhealthy and in trouble, your walk with God may be as well. It is difficult to have one right and the other wrong. The way we perceive and treat each other affects how we perceive and respond to our heavenly Father.

Is your marriage in crisis?

A marriage crisis typically occurs when an unusual amount of stress or unresolved conflict causes the level of anxiety to become too intense for the couple to manage. As a result, anger, resentment, dissatisfaction, frustration and hopelessness take control of the relationship. The couple typically continues interacting negatively or disengages completely from each other, and the relationship shuts down. This is usually the place in the crisis process where a couple looks for help from a counselor, minister, friend or family member.

Is your marriage worth saving?

Without a doubt, your marriage is worth saving! Divorce does not typically solve personal or relational dysfunctions.

If you have children, the impact of your divorce will affect them their entire life . Most children do not want their parents to divorce, in spite of their parents’ arguments and basic problems.

Findings from a study of unhappy marriages conducted by the Institute for American Values showed that there was no evidence that unhappily married adults who divorced were typically any happier than unhappily married people who stayed married. Even more dramatically, the researchers also found that two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stayed together reported that their marriages were happy five years later.

When people hear about these findings, their response typically is:

All that research is well and good, but I have tried everything I know to do, and my spouse simply will not agree to get help. I have cried, begged, threatened and pleaded, but nothing works. So what do I do? I can’t do it on my own. There is nothing else I can do.

Maybe there is.

When a spouse won’t get help

Three of the most common reasons one spouse gives the other for not seeking help in the marriage are:

• “We don’t have that kind of problem” or “Our problems are really not that bad.” That’s the denial response. If your spouse requests counseling, your marriage is probably worse off than you think. Your spouse is apparently in enough pain to seek relief from it in some way. If your spouse is hurting to the point of taking this action, you need to join him or her in solving the problem. If your spouse has a problem, you have a problem.
• “We can’t afford it.” Most Americans can afford whatever they really want. If we can afford cellphones, hobbies, eating out, health-club memberships, designer clothes and daily visits to premium coffee shops, we can afford marriage counseling or an intensive designed to save our marriage. A question to seriously consider is “Can we afford not to go to counseling?” If you don’t go to counseling, what will be the outcome? Can you live for the rest of your married life with the outcome?
• Another common reason your spouse might reject counseling is that he or she simply is not hurting as much as you are. Your spouse is not where you are on the pain scale. The typical response shown by the motivated spouse is a sense of frustration or unhealthy responses such as nagging, pouting, arguing, accusing, angry outbursts or simply being bitter. But unhealthy responses like these only cause wounds to deepen and the other spouse to move further away from the relationship. You can’t “nag” your spouse into getting help.

On the spiritual side, a possible factor that could prevent you or your spouse from getting needed help is pride. Many marriages are failing and are eventually destroyed because one or both partners are too prideful to admit that they have a problem and may be wrong. The same tenacity and stubbornness that often keeps a person in a marriage can lead to a level of pride that prevents that person from receiving the proper help when in trouble. Pride can stand in the way of progress like a sentry guarding a castle. Nothing can get past it or move beyond it.

One of the greatest things you can do for a troubled marriage is to be willing to say, “I’m wrong. I’m sorry and I realize this problem has a lot to do with me.” This attitude is the opposite of a prideful attitude. It says, “I know I must be willing to change if I expect my spouse to change. I will do whatever it takes to save and change my marriage.” This could mean committing time, money and energy to a counseling relationship that will hold you accountable for your growth and progress.

A heart dominated by pride says, “I would rather allow my marriage to die than admit I am wrong.” A heart driven by biblical love and commitment says, “I will do whatever it takes to salvage and rebuild my marriage. I will give up everything I own. I will change jobs. I will mortgage the house. I will do whatever it takes, because I know my marriage is that important.”

Can you do it alone?

What if one spouse is willing to go to counseling and the other is not? Should the willing spouse go to counseling or seek help without the other? In most cases, the answer is definitely yes. Your marriage can be helped immensely if you initiate change.

When one spouse stops trying to change his or her partner and stops pointing fingers, making accusations, and withholding affection and attention, the energy often shifts to self-improvement. When you make positive changes, it allows positive changes to occur in your spouse.

The fact is, you cannot change your spouse, but you can change yourself. Often the most obvious point of movement in a conflicted marriage is self-movement. Changes you make to improve yourself and marriage can effectively produce healthy responses in the other spouse.

You can encourage your spouse to communicate better by learning to communicate better yourself. You can coach your spouse to respect you by respecting him or her first. You can teach your spouse to stop complaining with a bitter spirit when you break the pattern of complaining and develop a new spirit. Setting better boundaries for yourself often leads to better boundaries for your marriage.

Your husband or wife may not be willing to read books, go to seminars or go to counseling at this stage; but if you take the first step, your changes may positively influence your spouse.

Think of your decision in practical economic terms. Ask yourself: If I take no course of action or even pursue divorce, how economically advantageous will that be? The average cost of divorce in the United States is about $15,000. After divorce, many women are forced to live below the poverty line while attempting to raise their children.

Divorce is not the answer to most problems. Divorce is not the best solution to being unhappy or unfulfilled. It typically creates more problems than you can ever imagine and will have a long-term effect on your children, as well as generations to come. Therefore, the question is: “Can you afford not to go to counseling?”

How should you approach your spouse about marriage counseling?

Common mistakes in approaching your spouse.

• Showing disrespect. You can’t change a person by tearing him or her down. The most natural response for that kind of approach is negative. How do you feel when others treat you disrespectfully? Does it make you want to do something for them? Does it make you want to show affection? No. Showing disrespect will only discourage your spouse from seeking help.
• Losing control of your anger. Anger is often a way of punishing your spouse when he or she does not give you what you want. It’s not only ineffective in producing a long-term change in how your spouse behaves, it also destroys any threads of love or feelings that may still be evident. Sure, if your spouse doesn’t respond to your requests, the temptation exists to respond in anger; but if you don’t get the response you want, getting angry and sparking a heated argument won’t help.
• Blaming your spouse. Don’t accuse or point fingers. Don’t resort to exaggerated or over-generalized language such as: “You always act like this! You never do what I ask you to do. You just don’t care anymore. It’s always your fault. You always do this or always do that.” That type of language isn’t valuable in solving the problem. It only creates more issues to deal with and more wounds to heal in the future.

Approaching your spouse the right way

• Begin by approaching your spouse at the right time and in the right manner. Choose a time when he or she is not distracted or too stressed or tired.
• Approach your spouse in a nonconfrontational manner. An angry tone of voice or condescending “parent-to-child” approach will only cause him or her to shut down.
• Make sure you bring up the topic in a nonthreatening way. If your communication pattern has digressed to the point that when you bring up this topic your spouse becomes defensive and “blows up,” you may consider writing him or her a letter to be read when you are not present. This gives your spouse time to think about what was said and respond without all the emotions.
• Don’t say, “ You need counseling.” Recognize and admit that you both have problems, and they must be addressed as a team. Say, “ We need counseling.”

You may try statements like the following to encourage your mate to join you in getting help for your marriage:

• I’m concerned that if we allow this problem to continue, it will only get worse. I can’t go on like we have been. I need help more than anything. I know you are uncomfortable with this, but so am I. It’s embarrassing and even frightening to me. I realize, however, that if we keep doing the same things in our marriage, we’ll get the same results.
• We need outside intervention and direction. A trained Christian therapist is capable of helping with issues and dangers that we can’t deal with on our own.
• I know God wants us to do better in our marriage, and our children deserve a more stable home environment than this. It’s obvious that if we don’t get help, we’re making the decision to continue in a painful marriage. I don’t want us to have marriage trouble. I believe there’s hope for us, and it is possible to have a healthy marriage like we used to.
• I love you with all my heart, but I’m tired and need your help and support on this. If you won’t go for yourself, would you go for me? Let’s talk about it after dinner tonight.

These nonthreatening approaches take some of the pressure and blame off the other partner. They typically open doors to the possibility of getting help instead of closing doors by using negative approaches.

How do you find a Christian marriage counselor?

The key criteria for selecting a Christian counselor involve the counselor’s credentials and faith.

Just because a person refers to him- or herself as a counselor doesn’t necessarily mean he or she is properly trained. A counselor should be licensed by the state in which he or she practices. Also, if you’re experiencing marriage problems, you may want to look for a Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT). MFTs have specific training in relationship dynamics. Licensed Professional Counselors (LPCs) have specific training in dealing with individual problems, but many also have experience and training in marital issues. You may also look for someone who has specific experience in working with couples in crisis.

You can ask questions that will help you decide if a particular therapist is a good fit for you:

• “What type of license do you have?” The most common types of licensure include: Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), Psychologist (usually a Doctor of Psychology or Psy.D.), Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) and Psychiatrist (M.D.).
• “In which state is the license held?” The license should be from a state licensing board, not simply from a professional or national counseling association. The counselor’s license should also be from the state where the therapist is currently working.
• “Is your degree from an accredited university?”
• “What other credentials do you hold? Professional memberships?”
• “Do you have specific experience in working with couples in crisis? What type of problems have you worked with?”
• “Are you active in your faith?”

Here are some questions to help determine a therapist’s level of faith:

• “Are you recognized and recommended by the local church community?”
• “Do you attend church regularly? What activities are you involved with at church? Do you teach a class or participate in service activities?”
• “Who is your minister or pastor? Would you be uncomfortable with my talking to your pastor?”
• “Do you have a statement of faith?” (Do the counselor’s beliefs conflict with yours?)
• “What do you believe about marriage and divorce?”
• “Do you encourage reconciliation and offer therapeutic services to couples toward that end?”
• “Do you use prayer and Scripture in your practice?”

If a counselor seems reluctant or uncomfortable in answering these questions, seek other recommendations from trusted Christian advisers such as church leaders, staff, Sunday school teachers, denominational boards, etc.

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About the Author

Mitch Temple

Mitch Temple (LMFT, M.S., M.S.) holds graduate degrees in counseling and marriage/family therapy from Amridge University. He served as a pulpit and counseling pastor, specializing in crisis, business and marriage- and family-related issues.  Mitch is the author or co-author of five books, including The Marriage Turnaround.   He is also published author in various professional journals.  Mitch and his wife Rhonda have three grown children.

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 7 SECRETS

 watch,  answers,  solutions,  reviews,  about,  contact, a surprising solution to your marriage problems.

If you’re reading an article about how to save your marriage, you’re probably expecting to learn problem-solving strategies, communication techniques, and insights about gender differences. Do I have a SURPRISE for you!

The key to renewing your marriage is NONE of those things.

How do I know this? Because I experienced it!

Unlike other relationship experts who approach the topic from a clinical perspective, for me saving and restoring marriages is also very personal. I’ve been where you are now. I’d like to share with you my story.

My wife and I started out deeply in love. I remember staying up all night talking, surprising each other with thoughtful gifts, and speaking to each other in code words. You know the feeling of really being connected? That was us.

But then something happened that destroys most marriages. We had a son who died when he was one week old. And then we had twin daughters, who also died as newborns.

Understandably, my wife became depressed. I coped by immersing myself in work. We ran from each other emotionally.

Your situation probably was not so tragic, but something happened. What was it? How did you lose each other? Maybe you can’t put your finger on it, but something is definitely not right. That’s common too.

For us, after losing 3 children, everything felt different. Instead of talking all night, it was a chore to talk for a few minutes. Instead of using our code words, we used curse words. Our relationship consisted of screaming matches and silent treatments.

Somewhere deep in our hearts though, like you, we knew we didn’t want to lose each other. So we made a commitment to work on our marriage. Sometimes I tried and my wife didn’t. Sometimes my wife tried and I didn’t. We went through different stages of “trying.”

What did we try?

We tried the obligatory, “Honey, let me repeat what you said to make sure I understood you correctly.” We applied conflict resolution strategies. My wife learned about Mars and I learned about Venus. We even went to therapy to wrestle with our problems. But guess what. Nothing changed. Nothing worked.

All the advice (books, counselors, whatever) asked us to confront our problems. But that just made us feel worse. And fight more.

As long as the “right” way wasn’t working, why not be dysfunctional? So we tried to convince each other of our way. You tried that too, right? Obviously, that doesn’t work.

Then we had a breakthrough.

Deal With Marital Problems By Setting Them Aside

We decided to SET ASIDE OUR PROBLEMS. We didn’t talk about them at all. We didn’t bring them up even once. Instead, we put our energy into trying to connect. We used certain relationship techniques that transformed our marriage. Not only did we resolve our differences; we fell in love again! And we did it not by dealing with our problems (as serious as they were), but by establishing new relationship habits that brought positive energy to our marriage.

This is the solution to most marital situations! Believe it or not, the secret is to STEP AWAY FROM YOUR PROBLEMS and spend your time and energy doing specific relationship building activities.

It’s counter-intuitive, but if you do this, most of your problems will dissipate, the threat of divorce will go away, and the other people invading your marriage will become irrelevant.

Before you deal with your problems, you first have to build good will with your spouse. And this is doable even in the most difficult marital situations.

If your marriage is stressed, do NOT tackle your problems. Stop talking about the affair, the attention you’re not getting, or whatever. If your timing is off, trying to solve your problems will damage your marriage and make it LESS LIKELY that you’ll ever find resolution.

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Now you can see why the Marriage Fitness program is fundamentally different from any other approach to relationship success. It’s not about conflict-resolution or communication skills because these are NOT the key to saving a marriage. The key is NOT to fix what’s wrong. The key is to make new things right.

And there are, in fact, specific things you can do, with or without your spouse, to make things right in your marriage. And the Marriage Fitness program offers you a step-by-step system for doing just that. It also teaches you how to temporarily put aside the problems and issues that are weighing you down and making it impossible for you to establish a new momentum in your marriage. The program works for any marriage even if only one spouse does it. And the best news is that you don’t have to dig into your past, dredge up your problems, or practice communication techniques. This is not marriage counseling; it’s Marriage Fitness.

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Lifestylogy

22 Marriage Myths Most People Still Believe

Posted: May 13, 2024 | Last updated: May 13, 2024

Marriage is a cornerstone of human relationships that’s often romanticized and idealized. Yet, it’s surrounded by countless myths and misconceptions that have been perpetuated through generations. These myths can create unrealistic expectations and can lead to disappointment, misunderstandings, and even conflict between partners.

Let’s delve into the 22 most common marriage myths, dispelling each misconception and offering clarity and a more realistic perspective.

You Should Never Go To Bed Angry

The adage “never go to bed angry” suggests that all conflicts must be resolved before sleep. However, taking a break and sleeping on it can provide clarity and calm emotions, making resolution easier. Effective communication and conflict resolution are more important than the timing.

Financial Stability Guarantees A Happy Marriage

While financial security can reduce certain stresses within a relationship, it is not a standalone solution for achieving marital happiness. A fulfilling marriage requires more than just monetary comfort; it necessitates strong communication, emotional intimacy, and shared values. Thus, even in financial abundance, a marriage can struggle without these critical relational components.

Love Is Enough To Make A Marriage Last

While love is a crucial element of a marriage, it alone cannot sustain a relationship through the myriad challenges life presents. Enduring marriages also rely on trust, respect, commitment, and effective communication. These elements work together with love to create a strong foundation that can withstand the tests of time and adversity.

Marriages Are 50/50 Partnerships

The concept of a 50/50 partnership in marriage implies that each partner contributes equally at all times. However, real life is rarely so balanced; there will be times when one partner needs to give more support, and other times when roles are reversed. Successful marriages are flexible, with partners willing to adjust their contributions based on the current needs of the relationship.

You Can Change Your Spouse After Marriage

Many enter marriage believing they can change aspects of their partner’s behavior or personality that they find undesirable. However, attempting to change a spouse often leads to frustration and resentment. Acceptance and mutual growth are key to a healthy marriage, not the hope of changing who your partner fundamentally is.

Couples Therapy Is Only For Troubled Marriages

A popular myth is that couples seeking therapy signifies a failing marriage. In reality, therapy can be a proactive tool for strengthening a relationship, resolving conflicts, and improving communication. It’s not a last resort but a healthy choice for any couple seeking to improve their marriage.

Marriage Gets Easier With Time

Some believe that the longer you’re married, the fewer issues you’ll face. While couples may develop better conflict resolution skills over time, each stage of life brings new challenges. Continuous effort and adaptation are essential for a lasting, healthy marriage.

Jealousy Is A Sign Of Love

Jealousy is often misconstrued as a sign of love or caring in a relationship. However, excessive jealousy reflects insecurity and can be damaging to a marriage, leading to control issues and mistrust. Trust and security are the hallmarks of love, not jealousy.

Marriage Doesn’t Need Continuous Effort

One prevalent myth about marriage is the belief that once vows are exchanged, the relationship will effortlessly flourish without ongoing effort. This notion neglects the reality that marriage requires continuous work to nurture and sustain. Ignoring this truth can lead to complacency and strain in the relationship, emphasizing the importance of consistent communication, compromise, and dedication from both partners.

Marriage Automatically Solves Relationship Problems

Many believe that getting married will fix any existing issues in a relationship, but in reality, it often amplifies them. Marriage tends to spotlight rather than solve underlying problems, demanding active communication and joint effort from both partners for resolution. It’s a partnership that thrives on mutual understanding and continual work, not a cure-all for unresolved conflicts.

Keeping Secrets Is Always Harmful

Absolute transparency is often idealized in marriage, yet complete openness without any boundaries can sometimes be unrealistic or unnecessary. Some degree of privacy and personal space is essential for maintaining individuality and respect within the relationship. It’s the nature of the secrets and the reasons behind them that determine their impact on a marriage, not the mere act of keeping them.

Marriage Automatically Leads To Happiness

Many believe that tying the knot is a guaranteed path to perpetual happiness. However, marriage is a complex relationship that requires effort, compromise, and growth from both partners. Happiness in marriage is not a given; it’s built through shared experiences, understanding, and continuous effort.

Living Together Before Marriage Ensure A Successful Marriage

The idea is that cohabitation before marriage can help couples test their compatibility and iron out any differences. However, studies have shown that living together before marriage does not necessarily predict a more successful marriage and, in some cases, may be associated with higher divorce rates. Successful marriages are based on more than just prior cohabitation; they require commitment, communication, and compatibility.

Having Children Strengthens The Marital Bond

While having children can bring joy and fulfillment, it also introduces new stressors and challenges to a relationship. Parenting demands significant time, energy, and resources, which can strain a marriage if not managed well. A strong marital bond is crucial before adding children to the mix, as they can amplify existing issues rather than resolve them.

Marriage Will Solve Personal Problems

Some people think marriage is a solution to personal issues like loneliness, insecurity, or unhappiness. Marriage cannot fix personal problems; it may even amplify them. Personal growth and happiness are individual responsibilities that each partner should address independently.

Successful Marriages Are Conflict Free

A common myth is that a successful marriage is one without conflict. In reality, conflict is a natural part of any relationship, and dealing with disagreements healthily is a sign of a strong marriage. It’s not the absence of conflict but how it’s managed that determines the health of a marriage.

Marriage Means Losing Your Personal Freedom

Some view marriage as the end of personal freedom and individuality. However, a healthy marriage supports personal growth and freedom, allowing each partner to pursue their interests and ambitions. Mutual respect and understanding foster both individuality and a strong bond.

Opposites Attract And Make For Lasting Marriages

The idea that opposites attract and create enduring relationships is often oversimplified. While differences can complement each other, core values and life goals need to align for a lasting marriage. Compatibility involves balancing similarities and differences in a way that supports mutual growth.

Your Spouse Should Be Your Everything

Expecting your spouse to fulfill every role, best friend, confidant, co-parent, financial partner, etc. is unrealistic and can put undue pressure on the marriage. Healthy relationships benefit from external friendships and interests, providing a well-rounded support system.

You Shouldn’t Marry Someone With a Lot Of Differences

While shared values are important, having differences doesn’t necessarily doom a marriage. Differences can enrich a relationship, offering new perspectives and growth opportunities. The key is how partners navigate and respect these differences.

Your Spouse Is Responsible For Your Happiness

It’s a common belief that your spouse should be the source of all your happiness. While a spouse can contribute to your happiness, relying solely on them is unrealistic and unhealthy. Individual fulfillment and happiness are personal responsibilities.

Marriage Should Always Feel Easy With The Right Person

The notion that marriage will be effortless with the “right” person is misleading. Even the strongest relationships face challenges and require work. Commitment, understanding, and resilience are necessary for navigating the complexities of marriage together.

Dispelling common myths and misconceptions about marriage is important for fostering realistic expectations and promoting healthier relationships. By acknowledging that marriage requires ongoing effort and adaptation, individuals can approach it with a greater sense of understanding and resilience. Embracing the complexities of marriage allows couples to build stronger foundations and navigate challenges with greater empathy and mutual support.

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Stormy Daniels Takes the Stand

The porn star testified for eight hours at donald trump’s hush-money trial. this is how it went..

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Jonah E. Bromwich , who covers criminal justice in New York for The New York Times.

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